Original subtitles

And that'd be... So what? May I point out she's not exactly dealing with an

amateur? May I point out she's dealing with a fellow who's always one step

of her? A fellow with two feet on the ground?

Hey, two feet on the ground! What?

Your shoes!

Marriage must not be a hasty decision.

Young couples should realize that these army friendships, close as they are, may

not be enough for a successful marriage.

Some couples have an understanding.

But you, Catherine and Joseph, I know, are deeply in love.

For you, the loneliness of barracks life is over.

At day's end, your hopes and dreams and problems will now be shared.

And now, before I join you in wedlock, I hope that the example of your love and

happiness will soon be shared by others.

John and I have an understanding. The ring.

Oh, the ring. I'm sorry.

Do you, Joseph, take Catherine... Do

you, Joseph, take Catherine to be your wife?

I do.

Do you, Catherine?

You see, Joan is the first girl that I've met that... I like her, you see.

Oh, how can I explain it to you?

Sarge, do you love her?

I don't know.

Sarge, stop stalling. Do you love her? What are you, the district attorney? Do

you love her? Do you love her?

I don't know. All I know is we've got an agreement.

No G .I. marriages.

We have orders.

Aha, the bridegroom is here.

Cut it out, will you, fellas? I've been getting that all morning. Happy

honeymoon. On your way.

Oh, Miller.

Come here a minute.

Joe.

I always had you pegged for a confirmed bachelor.

What happened? Why did you get trapped? I mean, how did this happiness come

along to you?

Well, I don't know.

Sort of sneaked up on us, I guess. What do you mean?

Well, you see, Catherine and I had an understanding.

You had an understanding, huh? Yeah.

You know.

Two people cooped up in the same post. We figured it couldn't work.

Yeah, well, what changed your mind?

Well, one weekend, Kate's folks came in from Cleveland to meet me. Oh, folks.

The chaplain had me in for a talk, and, well, before I knew it, I was saying I

do.

Oh, I've got to be going. All right, so long. Give my love to Catherine. Lots of

happiness to the both of you.

That's how they put the zinger in. Don't you get it?

The folks came for the weekend, huh? And then the chaplain carried the ball from

then on. Oh, sure.

Nice teamwork, wasn't it?

Sarge, why don't you stop knocking yourself out? Just give her up if you're

afraid. No, I'm not afraid.

It's just this romantic relapse she's gone through. I got a cure over these

marriage ideas.

Look, Joan works at administration, right? She deals in facts and figures

day long.

That's how I'll knock this out of a system. With facts.

Thank you. Hello, Rose.

Hi, Ernie.

Hi. Hi, Johnny.

Hi, Ernie. What brings you here? Oh, just passing by. I thought I'd drop off

day report.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, by the way, Joan, would you mind sending to Washington for some

Statistics? Yes, I would like a breakdown on the financial difficulties

hardships suffered in GI marriages. Oh, I happen to have it right here. You

know, the economic... Just happen to have it right here. The combined monthly

salaries of two enlisted personnel plus added marriage benefits...

compares favorably with a financially secure couple in the middle income

Just happened to have that here.

Now, let's take the upper middle income level. If a master sergeant marries a

master sergeant... Hold on just a minute.

If a master sergeant marries a master sergeant, just out of the thin air, you

happen to have these statistics, these pamphlets, huh? Now, wait a minute. You

were the one who asked about it. You were the one who was interested.

Me? Well, it's the farthest thing from my mind.

It's just one of the men in my platoon is thinking of doing something about it.

He asked me to look into it. Oh, really? Which one?

Which one?

Which one?

Doberman? Doberman. Private Doberman. Yes, Doberman.

Doberman is thinking of getting married?

Well, you know, hot -blooded and impetuous he is.

Yes, but I told him, I said, Goldman, look into the facts, the statistics.

I said, look into what happens to these lovey -dovey GI couples when emergencies

like an illness happens.

They get free hospitalization, the best army medical care.

Yeah, well, how about the important things in life, like...

Automobiles, TV sets, and... Loans are available to GI couples at 3 % less

than... Sure. Load the poor suckers down with expenses. So when a major

emergency arises... There's free maternity service.

Never mind.

Never mind, please. Never mind.

Well, I thought Doberman ought to know about the maternity service. Well, there

are certain things we've been keeping from Doberman.

Joan, would you also mind sending for the statistics about the amount of GI

divorces, please?

There are 37 % less divorces in the military.

Why don't you stop winning the fight?

Ernie? Yeah?

Ernie, I'd like to speak to you. What, you want to speak to me? Alone.

Alone? I'll go.

Be strong.

Ernie? Yeah, Joan?

Ernie, I think it's time that you and I have a serious... Is that chow? Chow, I

think they call it chow.

You and I have been going together now for over a year, right? Yeah, well,

what's a year?

I mean, I got an uncle of mine that's been going with a girl for... What was

going with her for?

Is that funny?

Joan? Joan, what are you... Joan, don't. The girls will be back in lunch. It's a

bad... Put yourself together, Joan. I'm sorry. It's just... For over a year...

Yeah, now, it's such a wonderful town. We've had an agreement. Yes, we've had

it. No marriages on the post. We've had that understanding. We've discussed it

often. Many times. Maybe we ought to put it in writing.

In writing? It doesn't matter if it's in writing. Just every time there's a

wedding on the post, you go into a state of shock.

Me? Shock?

Me? Now, we had an agreement. Yes, we had that agreement. No G .I. marriages.

pooped up on a post. We got an agreement, honey. Well, now, why didn't

break up a beautiful friendship?

That's right. Why get married?

Oh, I had you wrong all the time. I should have known. Honey, you're the

I'll pick you up at six tonight for that platoon party, and from then on, it's

cha -cha -cha all the way. Right.

Cha -cha -cha.

Oh, Benny.

What is this, baby girl? Cha -cha -cha.

I almost forgot.

Tell me, baby. Tell me.

My folks are coming in this weekend. They want to meet you.

You what?

You folks want to... What do they want to... What do they want to meet me for?

Because I've written to them so much about you. You folks want to... Oh,

I can't. I'm very... Doberman. I've got to sit up with Doberman. He's in a bad

way. Pilko.

Chaplain. I'd like to have a little talk with you. Talk with... What? What was

that? Oh, there is... There's a jeep missing.

I'll take care of it. I'm sorry about it. The jeep. Hey, fellas.

Did you hear about the jeep?

Everybody, attention. The jeep is missing.

What's the matter with him? I just wanted to ask him why Doberman hasn't

choir practice.

Oh, I think Doberman has a few other things on his mind, Chaplin.

Hey, Sykes! Hey, Sykes, how long are you going to help me out with a little

problem? Oh, I have exactly what you need right here. Now, here are the

maternity records.

Maternity? And here is a little booklet entitled, So You're Going to Have a

Baby. A baby?

Doberman, I've got to talk to you.

She's not here. I'll come back. You'll be right back.

It's either fish or cut bait.

Well, it's sister.

Oh, look.

She's got my picture on her desk.

Sarge, you've got to go through with it. Fish or cut bait. I know, I know.

It's just that I hate to go through with these hysterics, you know, these

recriminations that's groveling at my feet.

But I've got to get it over with, once and for all. I'll just go over to her

I'll say, uh, Johnny?

No. I'll call her Sergeant Hogan.

That'll show her I'm starting to cool off a little, right?

Uh, Sergeant Hogan?

When two people have been going together for a length of time, and one of these

two people is taking it a little too serious, what to the other is just a

association, the time has come to call this to an end.

What am I talking about?

Well, I'll give it to you straight, baby.

We're through, Rocco. That's when I give it a smelling salt.

Right. Now, you see what you've got to go through, women.

Sarge, he's here.

Sergeant Hogan. Oh, Sergeant Patterson, the wax on this post aren't any prettier

than the wax on any other post. That's not true.

Sergeant Hogan. The day reports are right there. I'll bet after you've been

a while, you won't even give us a second look. Sergeant Hogan. I wouldn't bet on

that, ma 'am. Sergeant Hogan.

Oh, this is Sergeant Patterson.

Temporary transfer to replace Grover while he's on furlough. How do you do?

Howdy. Now, you just take these to supply, and they'll give you your gear.

Sergeant Hogan.

I understand it's a platoon party, and you haven't got a date tonight. I sure

consider myself lucky if you do me that. You'll be lucky if you get out of here

with the same nose you came in with. I mean, don't I mean me? The price wolf

that comes along with a stair line. Well, now, see here, sir. Are you still

here, pal?

I didn't notice your brand on her. You didn't notice my brand, huh? Is this

picture on a deck? Is this your identification bracelet, pal?

Oh, Sergeant Patterson, I'm so sorry. It's my air, man. I guess I just moseyed

in the wrong corral.

There went that away.

Gummed and giggly boo.

Oh, Ernie Zucco, I'm ashamed of you. Oh, this is a good one. She's ashamed of

me. What are you ashamed of me for? Was I falling for his lie? Did I give him a

baby blue stare? Was I giggling like an idiot? Was I?

Carmel's about face. Carmel's about face.

Was I?

What?

Ernie, don't have to worry about anything like that.

No? No.

I'll be ready at six.

What,

what, what, what, what?

Fish are cut bait.

I should have known the smelling sauce was for him.

Let's have fun with Ernie Bilko today, huh?

Hello, administration.

Sergeant Bilko talking.

What? Who is this, Mr. Sawicki?

Or did you try him at the mess hall?

Well, just curious.

What? Curious. I'd like to get to me when I order to me. Hey, hey, hey.

Your wife's on the phone.

My heart has wings.

Well... You forgot to bring the clothes back from the laundry. Some guys

are lucky.

Their wives run off with other men.

Did you get that?

You see what happens to marriages cooped up on a post together, huh?

These are the things that don't show in the statistic.

These are the things that you only don't know about.

See?

Why not? What is it?

What's going to stop her from knowing about this tomorrow morning?

By tomorrow morning? Yeah, by tomorrow morning.

Because tonight, she'll be having dinner with me at the Sawickies. Dinner at

Sawickies? That's brutal.

Sarge, you mean when she sees that... Sarge, how do you do it?

Clean living, clear thinking.

What's the difference how I look? Do I see anybody? Do they take me anywhere?

Shut up. Do they find Mary to a staff sergeant every week? Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up.

What intelligent conversation.

Why didn't you marry Noel Cowan? Why didn't I marry anybody else? Shut up. I

going to be your little princess. Shut up. Shut up, shut up. Go wash your face,

pick up your things, get ready for dinner. Shut up. Shut up, shut up.

Put me in jail for bringing another one into this world.

Hey, Pop, come outside and show the kids.

They don't believe you've got the biggest feet on the post. Right.

A fine little gentleman you brought up for me. I brought up. His whole life he

sees such a shining example like you. Shut up.

I give up. Oh, where are you going?

I have to play poker with the rest of those slobs. Come in.

Hold it. Oh, what a beautiful domestic picture.

Lovely. Sergeant Bilko, figured I'd think that poker you'd show up. Hey,

how...

Welcome to Shangri -La.

Oh, Agnes, I just dropped by to see why you don't come to my Saturday night

dances anymore. Why don't you come around, show off your new dresses?

New dresses?

Listen, when dresses with buckles come back, I'll be there. This cheapskate

hasn't bought me a dress in over three years. Shut up, shut up, shut up. All

right, keep quiet.

What do you want, Eddie?

Oh, Stanley.

closest friend.

Watch it, Pop. He's after something.

Good boy, right on the nose.

I'll tell you, Stanley, I'm in some kind of a spot.

What's up?

You see, I'm taking Jonah to the platoon party tonight.

Well, you know what that means. It means dinner in town and all the trimmings.

Well, frankly, Stanley, I'm broke.

I told you, it's a touch.

Good boy, right on the same spot. He keeps hitting you very carefully.

What's on your mind?

Well, I'll tell you, Stan. I was just wondering. It isn't too much of an

imposition. I'd like to take Joanie for dinner here tonight.

Here?

Dinner? What does he want?

He wants to bring Joan for dinner here tonight.

Here? Yeah.

Oh, thanks a lot, Stan. I knew you'd see it, by the way. And please, I

appreciate it. You don't want to ruin any fuss. No bother. Leave everything

the way it is. Just stay as charming as you stay the same way. I'll see you at

six, Agnes. Welcome.

Yes, son.

Oh,

this kid's very... He hits the same spot. Very good little boy.

Let it suck easy.

He wants to bring his girl here?

Yeah.

First person who ever wanted to eat dinner here.

Including me.

Right.

Make fun.

Oh, now, wait a minute. Ever occur to you, for the first time since we've been

married, somebody considers this a home?

Well, Agnes... Stanley.

What's happened to us?

Look at you. Look at me.

Fighting all the time.

Listen.

Bilbo considers this a happy home.

He wants to show his girl a happy home, a loving family, like we had when we

were married.

Let's show him.

Even if we have to pretend.

When we were married.

He's going to see a happy home, all right? Nobody's going to be pretending.

Princess.

to see plenty of me from now on. We'll have candles on the table and I'll get

out the drapes. What's going on around here?

Company for dinner. Do you know what that means?

No, that was before your time.

Yeah, you know, it's the first time I've worn this since we were married.

Our wedding!

I figured I'd get it out. You never can tell when there's going to be another

wedding around.

Oh, Stanley, you're embarrassing me.

This is such a happy home.

Yeah, but there seems to be something missing. Missing? Yeah, wasn't there a

little animal, a little boy?

Oh,

Junior! Well, it is a little late for him to be out. I'd love to see you.

why don't you untie... Why don't you let him come in and say hello?

Yeah, it spoils his marksmanship.

William. Oh, here comes mother's tears.

Who are the nice people, Dadsy?

This kid's been drugged. The kid is under seven.

That's what it is.

Now say goodnight to Joanie and Ernie.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

Now jump to bed, you little pixie. Oh, isn't he sweet?

Yeah.

Well, shall we sit down to dinner? May I help you, sir? Oh, no. We have a maid.

A maid?

Well, she's really one of the waitresses at the Paradise Bar and Grill.

The Paradise?

Isn't that that awful place they call the Snake Pit?

I wouldn't know. I've never been there. I don't... Oh, I could die by the fights

they have there. The brawl. Oh, I instruct my men, don't go near the

told them this many times.

time at places like the Snake Pit when your real happiness is right there. I

think we'd better leave. Oh, I know. Run away from it. No, you see, we've got an

agreement. I'm sorry. It's just that I know how much my happiness is with my

home and my family. And when I look at you... I'm sorry.

Princess. Princess.

What is that all about?

Oh, isn't that the silliest thing?

Now...

She ran off. She was crying.

Crying. Ernest, she loves you. Go catch her.

What? Yes, go catch her. Fast!

Tony Romer was Mrs. Zwicky. Harry Clark appeared as Sergeant Zwicky. Darryl

Richards was seen as Junior.

Channel that's funny on purpose.