Original subtitles

102.

Now, where was I?

Due to the unprecedented heat wave. Due to the unprecedented heat wave.

Force backs to personnel will not be required to wear a tie. Oh, Captain

Colonel Hall.

Yes, Captain. Did you okay this furlough for Sergeant Bilko?

Yes, it's an emergency furlough. It seems that a land of his up in northern

Wisconsin has been afflicted with a rare disease.

Another relative, another rare disease.

Isn't it strange, Colonel, when it's bitter cold here, there's always an

of his in Florida who breaks down.

Now, during the heat wave, it's an aunt up north who is stricken.

During the World Series, it was an uncle in Brooklyn who kept calling for him to

listen to Ben.

Now, Colonel, isn't there an obvious conclusion?

Yes, Bilko comes from a very weak stock.

And another thing, this amateur talent show.

Obviously a Bilko promotion to finance his vacation.

What's wrong with the talent show? How do you know it's Bilko?

Oh, tickets, two dollars.

Oh, yes, that's Bilko, all right.

Now, look, Ben, I can only point the way to culture. I can't force you.

Captain Barker, that the heat won't stop us. Oh, Captain Barker, this is a

surprise, sir.

Get these books over to the Colonel's house.

Well, sir, the men are working so hard, I can hardly hear what the Captain is

saying. I said get these books over to the Colonel's house. Right away, sir.

Thank you, sir. All right, men, let's get those hinges moving.

Let everybody... He's gone. He's gone.

That's only two dollars a ticket, men. That's all it is. Two dollars a ticket.

You peasants.

Sarge, why don't you forget about it? Kandowski.

Songs for a Coleman tissue paper.

Fleischman singing. They ain't going to give us two bucks for that.

You're right.

We've got to get a new name. A headline. Somebody a little drawn name. Sarge,

get a load of this. What is it? The Howitzer, 1922.

Howitzer? What's that? The yearbook at West Point. The year the colonel

graduated. Look, here's the colonel.

Hey, he had hair. He looks funny.

All people look funny with hair.

Here's the baiting team. Oh, get this.

Here's to Jack Hall, who tried our patience with his endless barnyard

imitations. Barnyard?

Can you just picture the Colonel doing barnyard imitations?

What's the matter, Sarge?

Gentlemen, we have just found the star of our show.

You're calling off your talent show, eh? Oh, I had to, Colonel. It's just not

enough talent on the post, sir.

Talent is a rare thing, Bill Joe. Oh, how right the Colonel is. Look at this

measly program we prepared.

Private Fleischman in songs that stir the heart.

Corporal Kandowski in his comb and tissue paper cadenza.

And then I wish to come on, sir. There it is.

Sergeant Bilko in his barnyard imitations.

Well, I guess I won't keep you any longer, sir. Thank you. Oh, wait, Bilko.

You do barnyard imitations? Oh, yes, sir. And if I may say so myself, sir,

rather good at it. Really? Would the colonel like a small sample?

Oh, I'd love it.

All right, sir.

I call this, this is my favorite, Rooster at Dawn.

was a rooster?

Yes, sir. I call it crowing in the dawn.

You haven't been around farms very much, have you, Belko? Well, not lately. Why,

have the sounds changed, sir?

About trace.

Sir,

there's a rooster on the post.

I know how the colonel doesn't like lights. I'll get a detail and find him,

Stop barking, Belko. That was no rooster. That was I.

You, sir?

Oh, the colonel is surely pulling my leg.

Oh, sir, really, the human voice couldn't capture the sound, that

sound that I just heard of the king of the henhouse arrogance, sir.

Really, sir,

that is amazing, sir.

Well, I've met my match, sir. I've done my last cock -a -doodle -doo.

No, don't take it that way. Anyway, Bilko, that was a nice cock -a -doodle

you did. No, sir. You're trying to be kind, sir. It just happens that I... You

have it and I haven't, sir. I see it, sir. Believe me, I admit defeat. I'll

never do that again.

Oh, that rooster was nothing.

That's just part of my repertory.

Sir, you do other imitations of that nature, sir?

Oh, please, sir. We have such little fun on the post. I wish you would do one

more or two, would you, sir? Oh, please, sir. Please, I beg you. As one rooster

man to another, sir.

Well, since you put it that way. Oh, this is terribly kind of the kettle.

Nobody there.

By now, just this once.

Yes, sir. And I appreciate this, sir. Now, we'll set the scene. See, this is a

barnyard, and there are a lot of chickens going around clucking on a

Sunday morning, picking up corn here and there. And over here, there's a little

dog behind the chicken coop. A little dog? The panel does little dogs, too.

he runs out, and he attacks the chicken, you see. And then there's a big dog

behind the barn. And he runs out, and he attacks the little dog. Oh. And then

the rooster, he stops the fight. Oh, how interesting. Now, here it is. Yes, sir.

Oh, that's the little dog.

Oh,

what's the matter, Belko? I'll be all right, sir.

Yes, I'm crying, and not a shade of it, sir.

I'm crying when I think of all the men on this post who are entertainment

-starved. Entertainment -starved because that silly rule says professionals

cannot compete in amateur contests, sir. No, professional. I'm not a

professional, Bill. You're not, sir. Well, you must have had the desire

in the early part of your life to bring this entertainment to audiences, sir.

Oh, well, to tell you the truth, I...

I did think one time about getting in touch with that salute to the Army show

that Ed Sullivan puts on. Ed Sullivan. So I have to be privileged to say that I

know him quite well. Oh, lately, he is the winner of my amateur show. We'll be

on salute to the Army. Oh, an amateur show. Oh, sir, you have to. Oh, look,

put you right after Kodowski solo. Oh, sir.

No, it'll be a triumph, sir. A triumph.

Sir.

Well, you might mention to Ed Sullivan that I do starting the Tin Lizzy on a

cold day.

Starring the Tinley?

No, no, no. Save it. Don't give it all to him.

Save that for one of the Spectaculars. Oh, this will be wonderful.

Spectacular.

Men, I've got news for you. Is everybody here?

I've got news for you. You got the tickets?

I've got news for you about the talent show. So have I.

Your show has been cancelled.

Cancelled? So, well, it was a legitimate... It was cancelled for

reasons. Discipl...

I told you not to hang the wash on the regimental cannon, and you, baking

in the helmets. Sir, I'll question these men. It's not your men, Bilko, it's

you. Me, sir? Yes, I just checked on that emergency fellow of yours to

Wisconsin. We had a great deal of trouble locating your aunt. Oh, well,

sir, she is bedridden, and it's difficult to get her to the phone, sir.

was out water skiing.

Water skiing?

Water skiing? Well, you see, it's that new therapy. They get them right out of

bed and get the circulation going. Enough, Bilko.

Enough. I can't get over it.

Bilko, a master sergeant, lying.

Oh, sir, I'm really ashamed. I don't know what got into you. It must be this

heat, sir. I have trouble perspiring. I have small pores.

Now get those records and trucks rolling.

I'll do that immediately. Thank you, sir. You heard it, Colonel. Get those

records rolling. Get everything on our back.

And here is another sappho that my lady will be wearing this winter.

Sarge, you got a load of that lead?

Goldman, please, not my ear, please.

Come on, Sarge, take it easy. You'll get used to the heat.

Hey, look.

While the country is sweltered, these happy G .I .s enjoy a well -earned

vacation in the Army's new rescan, high in the cool, cool Rocky Mountains of

Colorado.

Inaugurated by the Psychological Division of the Army Special Services,

Paradise is a revitalizing center for soldiers who... show dangerous disease

signs and evidences of cracking up.

Why, doesn't that look refreshing?

Yes.

Doesn't that snow look cool?

Yes.

At the Pentagon in Washington, Major C .W. Plant explains this new bug.

Our purpose is to check army reports sent in by the men for signs of fatigue

psychiatric disturbances, and then it's on to Camp Paradise.

Those lucky bums.

Yes.

Let's go.

Wait a minute. But you're right. We didn't even see the cartoon.

We didn't even see the cartoon.

We've got to get back to camp and send those reports in to Washington.

Reports? Yes, sir. When you list the personnel of our barracks, be sure to

include the name Private Marilyn Monroe.

Marilyn Monroe and our platoon?

Sons don't think we're nuts.

They won't think we're nuts.

They'll just think we show signs of fatigue and psychiatric disturbances.

friend on inspection to her affordback, sir, requests to see Sergeant Bill Post

Platoon immediately.

Ha! Get down to the airport. The minute your eyes bring him right up, he'll be

on the other side.

Help! Hello.

Doberman, you got the fur coat and the whip ready? But, Sarge, I roasted that.

Think of the snow, that cool snow. But, Sarge, if he inspects the other outfits

on the post, he's going to suspect something. They're normal.

They were normal.

I'm making my move.

Now, look, you guys, rest, rest, so you'll show signs of fatigue.

Ernie, what's the insight on this major coming from Washington? Who's he after?

Who's he after?

You're in quartermasters and you don't know?

Post? You just won't read those alert sheets, huh? You won't read the

huh? Bulletins? Riley, get me off! It's too late.

It's about defective army shirts.

Defective army shirts? Yeah, he'll have some with him to see if you know... He

wants to see if you know the tensile strength test.

Well, Ernie, you know we got no testing lab on this post.

You won't read the bulletins, huh?

He'll want to know if you know the emergency tensile strength test. The

emergency tensile strength test? Uh -huh. What's that?

What's that?

Look, I got my own problems. Figure it out.

Figure it out.

Beautiful dreamer.

But Ernie, this page is from special services. This is a signal cord. Sure,

that's the way they catch you using obsolete procedure.

Stand by, please. Obsolete procedure?

You won't read the bulletins, huh? Bulletin 647, you know, the new security

code? Ernie, who reads bulletins? Who? I read them. I read them. Come and see,

come. Now, for instance, I know that the signal cord has found out from

upstairs, the top brass.

that special messages cannot be decoded by the enemy if they're done in song.

In song?

Now look, this is the last time I'm going to bail you out, Grover.

These guys all right? Sure.

The special security song this week, The Old Oaken Bucket.

The Old Oaken Bucket. The Old Oaken Bucket, what's that?

Why don't you read the bulletin?

Oh, gonna get your picture in all those army manuals?

My picture?

Sure, that's what the major's here for inspection. He wants to find pictures

the right and wrong way for the cooking manuals.

My picture?

What are you making?

Split pea soup.

Ah. Suppose you're making it the right way? Oh, sure. According to the army

manual, you know, cooks and bakers.

What's the matter?

They got millions of pictures showing the right way.

What they're looking for is pictures showing the wrong way.

Shame you don't look so good in those lights. Oh, well, what are you gonna do?

Be your name's own dreamer.

What's the wrong way to make soup?

I remember you guys. Just the indications of what I told you to do. Be

you know? Hey, Sarge! Sarge! He's here! Oh, well, Private Doberman, that's a

wonderful piston rod, and you worked it out brilliantly. Sergeant Bilko?

Sergeant, did you call me?

Major, this is a tremendous surprise. How do you do, sir? How do you do,

Sergeant? Sergeant, I'm here because of some irregularities I found in your

records. The regularities are my records. Well, sir, I'm sure they all

They're right here, sir. Father, will you take this bag? Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you. Rybert, come back here, Flashman. You'll return that bag to the

immediately. But, sir, he'll return it. Sir, it was very nice of you. It was a

nice gesture, but the men are not allowed to accept gifts. Thank you very

No, sir, you don't apologize.

It's not your fault, sir. It's his eyes. They're continually begging. We call

him Sheepy around here.

Ashamed of you, Flashman. Ashamed.

If you wanted a bag, why didn't you say so? We would have knitted you one. Now,

stop that.

But, Sergeant, I merely want him to carry it for me.

Oh.

Just carry it, and I thought you would give it. Oh, Sid. All right, Leisman.

go. Last touch.

Goodie.

He's overdoing it, but...

What about the record, sir? Oh, now, Sergeant, we received this personnel

from you, which included a Private Marilyn Monroe in your platoon.

Private Marilyn?

Oh, that must be a mistake, sir.

Due to the heat, you know. Oh, I see. One of those little mistakes. Well, of

course. Private Marilyn. How ridiculous.

She's a corporal.

A corporal? Oh, yes.

Oh, of course, of course. Sergeant Bilko, have you noticed any other

effects due to the heat?

Well, none. I mean, on the whole, my men are normal men, you see.

Excuse me, Sarge, I've got to make a phone call, Eddie. The men are normal in

every aspect.

They're just very happy if... Yes?

Hello, is that you, Ed?

Private Paparelli, is this a personal call?

Well, no, Sarge. When you get back to work, I'm a double.

Sorry, can you call that normal?

Private Paparelli, I'm a double.

You hang that phone back on the hook, quickly.

There's a good one.

Yes, sir. As I was saying, the men on the whole are very normal. They are very

proud of their work. Normal and... Oh, sir, excuse me. You have that wrong,

Hallucinations with two L's, sir. H -A -L -L, sir. Merch!

Merch! Merch!

Merch! Merch! Merch!

Merch! Merch!

Merch! Merch!

Merch! Merch! Merch!

Merch! Merch!

Merch!

Sir, you saw a sled and dog?

No, no, I didn't. Sir, please forgive me, but perhaps the seat is new to the

Major. Perhaps a cold towel, sir? No, no, no, no, I'm fine.

But you were asking about if the men are normal. I say, you were asking... You

were asking if the men... You were asking... Oh, who can talk about this

Racket? Ah, there.

They stopped.

What stopped?

The tom -toms.

The tom -toms. Yes, sir.

These are... Ah.

They've stopped?

What's that say?

The tom -toms.

You hear tom -toms, sir?

Perhaps the heat is too much, sir, and you're a little exhausted. Could that

No, no, no. I'm not exhausted, Sergeant. It's you and your men who are

exhausted. And I'm going to do something about it. He's going to do something.

Captain Barker.

May I present Major Friend, sir?

Oh, how do you do, Major?

I was supposed to be notified the moment you arrived.

Captain, I've seen enough of this platoon to know that... Major, I don't

what you've seen or heard, but please don't take this platoon as an indication

of what the rest of the post is like. Well, of course not, sir. I was just

to show the Major around the rest of the post. You love our quartermaster, do

you? Come this way, sir. There are a grand bunch of them.

Yes, Major, this is Sergeant Pendleton. We're proud of Andy Arani. Oh, he does a

bang -up job. He's got both feet solid on the ground.

I'm certainly glad to hear that. Oh, yes, he's always up on the new Army

directive, sir.

That's my shirt. Yes, sir. Army specification number E -642.

Isn't that magnificent? Right on the nose. You knew it, didn't you? Emergency

test.

Defective. Defective.

sir. Good boy. Good boy. Don't arouse him, sir. Please pay attention like

nothing happened, sir. They'll be all right. But, Sergeant, does this always

happen? Oh, good heavens, no.

Only when there's a full moon. Would you like to see the signal cord?

Where is Bill?

What's that?

The Major's shirt.

The Major's shirt?

It's Sergeant Grover's signal car. Oh, he keeps up with all the latest

sir. Excuse me, sir. I have a call.

Well, don't let us disturb your work. I think we've seen enough here. This is

Fort Baxter.

Hello, C for Charlie.

Your order's on the scene.

I'll get Captain Schwartz.

I'm going to patiently want Captain Schwartz.

Stand by, C for Charlie. We'll find him for you.

Attention all units.

Attention all...

So would you like another chorus?

No, I've heard enough. Thank you. Let's go to the mess hall. You'll find that

very interesting, sir.

Yeah, well, flat.

So, Vicky, you're doing your wonderful job as usual. What have you got for the

boys today?

Split pea soup. Split pea soup. Isn't that interesting? I must get you men out

of this heat at once. I must call Colorado.

Colorado? Why, sir, we're very happy here.

Oh, those tom -toms are stuck up.

Oh, let me show you. Right there.

Yes, sir. Major, I don't know what Bilko is up to or what you've seen, but I

want to assure you that... I've seen and heard enough to know that this entire

post needs rehabilitation.

Major, believe me, this is all Bilko's work.

He's up to something. Ask anybody. Ask the Vicky. Ask the...

No. Oh, yes.

Split fee, sir.

I've got to get these men to Camp Paradise as soon as possible. Camp

Oh, now I get it.

Well, well, Vilco, so that was it, huh?

Sir, all right, never mind. Quiet.

Major, this is all a hoax to get Vilco up to that camp. That's impossible.

what I've seen and heard on this boat... You've seen and heard the wrong person.

Major, I want you to meet Colonel Hall.

I want you to see what a level head...

Clear thinking down -to -earth man is at the head of this camp.

I'd be glad to show you... You stay here.

I think the Major will be very interested in what the Colonel has to

Hey, Bilko, what's this all about? Where's the phone?

Oh.

Hello, Joanie.

Joanie. Hey, Bilko.

What? What is this camp paradise we're going to?

I don't know, but I got an idea. The colonel is coming with us.

Hello. Let me talk to the colonel right away. I'm a double.

Colonel Hall, sir. This is Sergeant Bilko.

Congratulations, sir.

Yes, remember we were speaking about the salute to the... Yes, the Ed Sullivan

show. Yes, sir.

There's a major from special service came from Washington, especially to do

auditions.

Yes, he'll be there in a moment, sir. Any moment. And good luck, sir.

Thank you, Bilko.

I'll do my best.

Yes? Major Fenn?

Send him right in.

Colonel Hall, did you know that Major Fenn came all the way from Washington

because of Vilco?

I want you to give it to him first hand, sir.

Go right ahead, Colonel.

The Ed Sullivan Show. I came down here to check on the signs of fatigue in

Sergeant Bilko's platoon.

Fatigue? Bilko. Yes, and from the looks of things, I'm going to have to send the

entire post to Camp Paradise.

Camp Paradise?

I've got it.

Major, you've been taken in. We've all been taken in.

Fatigue. Bilko's got the sharpest, most diabolical brain.

Oh, yes, sir. We have the reservations. You have a special seat on the bus right

by the window so you can see the ducks, the little chickens, and the little...

Quiet!

Bilko, nobody's going to Camp Paradise.

Nobody, sir? Nobody.

I beg to differ with you, sir. Oh, please, explain it. Will you please make

Someone is going.

Some... Someone is going?

Yes, Captain Barker. It's an emergency case. I've got to get into Camp

of the heat when my guard was down.

Bilko, you're going to pay for... Oh, Captain Barker.

Oh, yes, your emergency leave paper. I'll sign it for you right now. Captain,

you can hear me, I want to say I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know this would

this effect, sir. It's not your fault, Bilko.

I felt this fatigue coming on for some time.

Since when, sir?

Since last night, Bilko. I saw those newsreel pictures, too.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you, sir. Here you are. You'll need these. Happy landing, sir.

Nicholas Saunders appeared as Captain Barker. David White as Major Friend.

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