Original subtitles

I mean that darn Rickles.

Look at

me.

Guard duty again tonight. Down at the main gate.

Who's going to steal the main gate? Hey, boys.

Get this. This is serious.

Permission granted for ten days' leave of absence to Master Sergeant Ernest

Bilko. Bilko going on a furlough? He's broke.

Here we go again.

Gentlemen, I wish to announce the beginning of National Hide Your Money

Remember the last time you went on furlough? You squeezed every nickel out

this platoon, remember?

No, I can't spare another truck and that's final. How am I going to get my

platoon back to the barracks from the rifle range?

The army has a new mode of transportation. Did you hear about it?

Feet. Wise guy. I want a double.

Here, what's this? Here, formation, I want a double. Here, I'll line up. Here,

everybody, look at that.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I'll only take a minute of your time.

I wish to discuss the motor pool and the work... work.

Now, look, man, I don't ask you to kill yourself, but every once in a while,

move a little. In case an officer walks by, he won't mistake it for a painting.

They sheeting yet? Yep.

Paparella, you draw God duty tonight.

I know.

What's this?

Permission, ten days leave granted to... Oh, when it comes to asking for a

furlough, they're right on the ball.

Let's see which meathead this is.

Ten days leave granted to Sergeant Ernest Bilko.

I got it! I got it! Hey, take it!

Wait, I can be out here tomorrow morning in Chicago and outside of a dress suit.

Hey, come on, fellas. I'm a little, you know. Sergeant Papel. Me too.

What a time.

Men, freeze.

Freeze, you heroes.

Men, I may have seemed a little harsh with you.

It's only because I was mad at myself for forgetting to tell you the new thing

thought up for you. It's only a buck or two.

My new snack -in -the -sack raffle.

Snack -in -the -sack raffle? What's that?

Just what it says.

The guy who wins gets his breakfast saved in bed for ten days. How about it,

boys? Judge, we're broke. Bucked it, not a dime.

It's a miracle how this platoon is always broke at this time. Zimmerman!

Right here.

But, Sarge, you told me... Right here.

Oh, Herman, you're not going to take me serious all the time, are you?

I want this. I want these deadheads to look at a real life by you.

His boy's not broke all the time. Why? Because he's on the hustle. He thinks up

things. Washes offices. Cars out of bucket through. He's all right.

How much did you make, Herman?

Out of dime.

Honest, Sarge. They all owe me.

Right next to Zimmerman's name. Put K -E -O -Z.

I don't know what it means. Keep eye on Zimmerman.

All right.

Dismissed.

Hey, Sarge. I got a couple of letters for you.

Those finance companies must have radar.

That's it.

Oh, this is a joker.

This is a dress to the house I used to live in way before the war when I was

still a civilian.

Hey, Dodge, maybe you've been drafted, huh?

A little late for that, don't you know?

Oh, no.

Ten years.

What is it, Ernie?

It's just not possible.

Ten years.

Hey, Ernie, come on back to us white people.

The squad I led in WW2, way before I even met you guys, they're having a

reunion. A reunion?

Yeah, I forgot all about it. You see, we were pinned down on a beach in the

Marianas, and we swore if we ever got out of it alive, we were going to meet

years from that day for the biggest, fanciest banquet at the Waldorf Astoria.

The Waldorf Astoria? Man, what a crazy barrack.

Oh, what a bunch of deadbeats they were.

Wait a second. Wait, hold it. I got a picture of them in here someplace.

Get a load of that.

That's me, holding the flag.

Let's see.

I need hair.

I have... Look at all that hair. A regular mop.

Wasn't I a thing of beauty?

Squad leader, private, first class, Ernest Bilko. A BFC, huh? Hey, wait till

see you with all them stripes.

Master Sergeant Bilko. Oh, boy, they're really flip. Whoever thought I'd wind up

with more stripes than hair?

Oh, what a bunch of characters.

Look, this guy right here.

Oh, the end. The end. Need end.

He used to be a truck driver before the war.

To get on the move, I had to honk a horn.

This is a beauty right here. Buford Gunther was his name. He was a busboy

the war.

Used to open K -ration boxes looking for tips.

This is a real beauty. A hillbilly. Zeke Ozark Rutledge.

The only man in the army. War suspended.

Oh, they were beautiful.

How did those meatballs ever get along in civilian life without you to watch

over them? I shudder to think about it.

Oh, those poor jerks. Probably going in hot to get to that reunion in New York.

Hey, Idy, the reunion's tomorrow night.

You'd better start packing. I've got an idea. You can hitch a ride down at the

airbase. One of them B -29s on the way to Mitchell Field, New York. Forget

it. Those reunions are for the birds.

But, Sarge, you've got to go. But, Sarge, but what?

I'm a master sergeant. I've got to go like a master sergeant. That means a

at the Waldorf.

Maybe pick up the tab for those meatballs.

Where am I going to get the money? Sell a tank?

Hey, Bilko, I got another breakdown.

Another breakdown? You can't move without me. Look, if you can't give me a

that works, give me a mule.

I'll do better than that. I'll put a harness on you. Get out of here.

He don't want to go to that reunion, does he? Not much, you know.

Man, wouldn't he like to walk in on them guys flashing them six stripes their

heads, huh?

With that room with the Waldorf, huh?

Sure he's still the top guy in the outfit, huh?

What a night that would be. Listen, Hench, I got an idea. There's money in

platoon. It only went underground. We're going to dig it up. Give me that

picture. Look, you go till the other top kicks any out for what we need. On it,

Douglas. You! All right, boys, I want to talk to you. Right here. On it,

Douglas. Look at that picture again.

Look at all that hair.

And every hair that's gone is from worrying about you guys.

This whole platoon.

Every single hair gone.

One by one from worrying.

Worrying about getting you passes.

worrying about protecting your rights. And now, for the first time in ten

when he's got a chance to prove to his old buddies that he's a success, a

sergeant, he can't go to that reunion.

Why? Because his own platoon is too cheap to raise a... Corporal Henshaw, do

beg them. Let them search their own souls.

Just remember him with this head of hair.

Gone. From Orion. Because he's the kind of a sergeant that worries about his men

day and night. All we're asking is a measly few bucks.

Now, look. Come on. You've got a couple of bucks. I can't spare another truck.

But I need another truck. This is an emergency.

Call the automobile club.

Very funny.

The garbage is piling up behind my kitchen. What am I going to do? Time to

You won't have so much garbage.

Why don't you turn blue? Oh, knock it off.

Well, this is a gay little sorority meeting.

Mother Bilko's little chicken's got nothing to do?

Hey, Zerwicky, hold it. You may have some extra guys for K .P. any minute

Now, listen, you mean... Eddie, Eddie!

I was just giving him some of his work details.

Work details?

Corporal Barbella, you're a dreamer.

Now, look, you guys.

You gotta get on the ball, you understand?

I want guys that want a soldier. You soldier for me, I'll interfere with the

man for you. I... I... What is that?

I can't have you making faces behind me. What are you doing?

Now, look.

If you... Now, Sergeant.

Some of the officers paid me for washing their car, and I figure if you're still

running the snack in the sack raffle, can I have a couple of shots at it?

Is this the suite? Yes, sir. The adjoining room is right through there.

the flowers you got up there? Oh, I'll get some water. Oh, never mind. We'll

rough it.

Hello, get me the main desk. All right, get that champagne spread out. Get those

cigars laid out. Hello, main desk.

Look, there may be some poor souls wandering around the lobby looking for

B reunion.

B, B, like in Bilko. Yeah.

Send them up the suite.

32C. 32C.

Hey, hey, all right. Goodbye.

You got the champagne out there? You got the cigars? Yes, sir. Now, you boys

have done a darn good job.

What's your number again?

43, sir.

43.

Your number?

27, sir. 27.

You take care of me. I'm going to take care of you. You boys may be used to

deadbeats, but not in this corner. You're in good shape. I'm taking good

On the double walk. Hip, hip. Here you go.

Looking at a big -time reunion. My old squad. Come on. These poor souls never

lived before like I'm going to show.

Look, there's no reason why I can't shock them up here. No use for them

in the room. What the management don't know. Get that stuff out of the bag.

I'll tell you what I have to have done. A lot of things have to be done real

quick. You're doing a good job, kid. You got change of 20? Oh, yes, sir. What's

your number again?

82.

Put your number ahead of the other guys. Thank you, sir. I like the way you

look.

All right.

Let me look at that robe a minute, will you?

Get this polished while you're down there, too.

This may be a little gaudy for the Waldorf, but in certain sections of

may I tell you... Hey, look, kid, where's the shower?

Right over there.

Be a little indecent showering alone.

You're all right. Did I get your number? 82. Yeah, all right.

I'll hold it. I want this suit pressed. I want those creases. You can cut

butter. I'll do it right away. Wait, hold it. This is the important. See

stripes? When you steam it, don't get them up. You know what I mean? Keep them

nice and shiny.

Six stripes?

Well, you're a master sergeant. How do you know? Were you in the service? Oh,

yes, sir. I was a lieutenant.

Get that stuff ready, will you, sir?

Right, sergeant.

Air Force.

I wonder if a bubble bath would be overdoing it.

Coming,

coming.

Oh, you're the valet? A valet, yes.

the rest of the gang right down the hall. Hey, gang, here he is.

Gunther, show Gunther.

What do you think of your old squad? I hate to admit

it, you look almost human.

Say,

pretty classy.

Really classy here.

I was going to get a whole floor, but some Maharaja beat me to it.

for PFC, boy.

PFC? Look alive, Tubby. That was ten years ago. A lot of things must happen,

know, in ten years.

Hey, hey, if you're not used to that champagne, take it easy. Yes, I'll have

go easy. I've got a big day at the office tomorrow.

Office? Working in an office, huh? Good boy. Gave up driving a truck, huh? Sure.

He's got his own company, Morgan Truck Lines.

Morgan Truck Lines? Yeah. A big transcontinental outfit?

Yeah.

That's me.

Good boy.

If I could do it, you must be worth a million.

What are you doing?

Have a little more champagne.

Boy, you work pretty hard waiting on tables all day. I'm taking care of you

here. How do you like him? He still remembers me when I was a busboy. He's

up there now, Bill. Oh, really? Made waiter, huh? Good boy.

Lean back, take it easy. I'm going to take good care of you, Pappy.

That's all he does all day. Sit back.

Counting the receipts of his 200 restaurants.

Yeah, 200 restaurants. G &G Sandwich Shops. G &G?

That's his?

I eat there all the time. That is when I'm not too busy eating Tootshaws or

Club.

Hey, listen, you poor souls. No use renting a room. You three guys can stay

me here, all right? Well, thanks. My company keeps a sweet hair all year

in case of emergency.

Keeps a sweet hair? Pretty big outfit, huh? Yeah, it's his outfit.

Rutledge Cotton Mills.

Cotton mills? Yeah.

Hey, Tub, you can shack up with me here. You don't have to rent the room. Well,

I got my own apartment right around the corner on Park Avenue.

Park Avenue?

Where else would a Park Avenue doctor live?

Doctor? Why, this poor soul couldn't open a can of rations without cutting

finger. Doctor!

Good boy.

What are you doing, Bissell? Insurance.

Door -to -door? No, he's chairman of the board.

Chairman?

Figured.

Say, you guys are doing all right.

Well, Bill, we have to.

You know, Bill, it takes a lot of angling and finagling to make a success

yourself in the world today.

Of course, we've spent three years training under you, the master.

Master? How'd you find out I was a master? Master Finagler.

Ernie, what have you been doing since you got out of the army? I'm with some

outfit. Come on. Oh, come on. Come on now, Ernie. What are you doing? Well,

a big outfit. If I mentioned the name, you'd know it right away.

What difference does it make? I'm doing all right, believe me. Secret, huh?

Well, in a way, it has to be. I got it. Government work. You could call it that,

yeah.

You got a contract with the government.

For four years.

Four years?

I get a six -month contract.

Then comes cancellations and changes in specifications.

How do you do it? Very simple. When the four years is up, I simply renegotiate.

You're only too bad to do business.

I'll get it.

Take it back. It's a sloppy job. Do it over again. Sloppy? Look at the way

spikes shine.

Well, press them some more.

All right, kid. What was your number again?

I'm writing it down real quick.

Where are you guys going? We're going to change.

Change for what? A dress for dinner.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What are we going to wear? A tux or full dress? Just a

Doesn't matter. I brought both.

Oh, boys, we're traveling in fast company again.

Too fast for him to like me. I'm going to have to rent a tuxedo. Rent a tuxedo.

Oh, there's got to be a peasant in every outfit.

He's never changed. That's a good old rent a tuxedo. That's laughable, isn't

Take care. I'll see you later.

Rent a tuxedo.

Who do I call about renting a tuxedo?

Hello, Sergeant. Mr. Belko's room.

Long distance where?

Roswell, Kansas.

Fort Baxter?

Tell him I'm not... All right, put him on.

Hey, Sarge. We just called the... See how you're doing.

Ain't you see your old squad yet?

Hey, what did they say when they seen you with all them stripes? A master

sergeant, huh?

They really flipped, huh?

Hey, wait a minute. Head show what's there, though.

Hey, I was met.

By rank, government. By rank. Hey, Sarge.

Having a ball, huh?

Did those meatballs ever figure out you coming in with six stripes?

Knocked them over, huh?

I went over big, yeah.

Had the suit pressed and everything. Oh, real sharp. Yeah.

Big, big.

Hello, Sarge.

Rocco again.

great shape, so just relax and have a ball.

Hey, Sarge, they really flipped, huh? Look, this is costing you guys a

You better hang up. I'll be seeing you soon. Take care of yourself. Give my

to the gang.

So long, Rocco.

John.

Please, Mary.

You lied to me. You told me you were a banker.

And now I find out you're a plumber.

Mary! No, John. I cannot marry an imposter.

CBS Television presents You Are There.

Tonight we bring you one of the dark pages of American history. The story of

Benedict Arnold.

This once respected American soldier who disgraced his uniform.

Live to regret it.

Fellas, I'm just wearing it.

Hey!

You remember when he tried to teach the natives how to play gin and rummy?

He wound up with all the coconuts on that island.

Where is Bilko? Almost time for Chow.

Chow, get him.

Thank you.

I'd still be a private if I was there.

Milko, in the army, I'm going to sell my defense box.

Milko, are any of your men as dumb as we were? That would be impossible.

Well, why don't we stand around? I've been waiting for ten years for this.

eat. I want to get coming out walled off fresh duck. I hear it's real tasty.

Fresh duck?

Excuse me.

They press it by hand with pleats.

Come on, let's go.

Okay, wait here. This is it.

What's the matter with you guys? What, are you folding already?

Is this the squad I led that took Hill 405?

405? That was to the right of us. We took Hill 406. That was to the right of

That was to the right of us.

Please,

please. It was Hill 405. I'll show you how to fight.

You're nuts. Now, wait a second. Move the battlefield back.

Very simple. If you'll just pay attention, I'll revive the whole thing.

Now, what? Here.

That was the beach, right?

This was Hill 405 right here.

Honey,

I ain't never gonna let you go. Sure, sure, sure.

I'm gonna take you into my business.

In one year, it'll belong to me, pal.

Come on, you dog faces, let's hit it.

Anderson, go... All right, all right, all right.

Good morning, sir. Take it easy, will you?

Just put them in there.

Good morning, Ernie. What is this?

Come on, Ernie. We've got work to do.

What are you doing, taking bets?

I heard you don't think I was kidding last night. You're working for me. Oh,

come on, come on. You were high last night. Oh, not that high.

I didn't get where I am today by being high and making...

I find that you're one of the top motor pool sergeants in the whole army. And if

you can un -style one -tenth of the jams that we get into, you're worth twice

the $10 ,000 a year that I'm giving you. $10 ,000 a year?

Fine. Do that.

What are you talking about? And Houlihan in Cleveland. Oh, Houlihan.

I know Houlihan. Get this straight.

I don't want 22 trailer trucks laying dead all over the road.

You're waiting for some chain drive pass to get there from Seattle? What? What

are you talking about? Hold on, hold on. Just a minute. Are you in Cleveland?

What kind of chain do you use? A 90X, 10 -ton stress chain?

Well, get on the ball. The army gets their chains from a little firm right

outside of Cleveland.

Palmer. Yes.

Name of the firm is Morton Statman Company. Get on the ball. What are you

holding up, though? Look at I about that. See what I mean? See what I mean?

need you. This is too much for Parker and me.

I'm in the army.

I'm in the army. You're in the army. I'll take care of that. You've got to

yourself every minute.

Hello?

anglers. There's no hydraulic fluid for the platform lifts. You guys are making

me laugh. You call yourself truck operators.

What's your dram?

Hydraulic fluid?

Yeah. Yeah. What are you driving? Diesel?

That's right. Well, you simply drain the lube fluid out of the hitch gear box,

transfer it to the hydraulic lifts. Look alive.

Stop jamming up the works out here. Get going.

10 ,000. Oh, 10 ,000. That's nothing. That's just the beginning.

You're worth a fortune today.

Hello? Hello?

What? I have to have it right away.

All right, here. You're carrying 12 ,856. I can't believe you're carrying

You better get moving.

The reloads are 900 and 400.

That's it, 900 and 400. 1 ,300.

All right, look alive out there.

Dispatcher for where?

Toledo, I'm rerouting your run. I've got the Cleveland guys all fixed up.

They've got their chains fixed. They'll be on your route. You're a caravan of 23

trucks scheduled to look alive. All right. All right. All right.

It's good to be back again.

Now, watch the trouble.

Morgan was played by Horace McMahon.

Coming next, Don Rickles.