All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e12 The Singing Contest

All better.

This

is

murder. Real murder. What did they do,
declare heat obsolete?

14 below out there. Remember our deal.
When it hits 15, we set fire to the

barracks.

License. According to rank.

Doberman, would you give somebody else a
chance?

Only half of me is warm, so you'll get
the other half warm later.

Hey.

Hey,

Bluebecker, when are you going to get
the furnace fixed?

Yeah, this souvenir of a Spanish
-American war is on its last list.

I've got to see Sergeant Philco. When
you see him, tell him we've got no more

coal, and it's his turn to go and get
some. Yeah, and we've burned all the

books, too. Look alive, you meatballs.

Let's go. Come on, let's go.

Sergeant Philco.

What is it? What?

I'm ready for roll call. All right, roll
call. All right, look, I've got a

double for me. Hey, I've got a double,
all right.

What's the matter? Can't you guys stand
a little cold?

All right, roll call. Anderson.

You. Stop him, Anderson. You.

Wait a minute. You're all here, aren't
you? Yeah.

All present in the counter floor.

This is murder.

Funny. Maybe this is a survival test
nobody told us, huh?

Sarge, this is murder. Isn't there
anything we can do?

Yeah. There's something you can do.

You can start showing a little
cooperation around here. Look at this.

That's all we're going to take. Trains
going out of the coal bin and filling

bucket. Sarge. No excuses. Who's the
slacker? Point him out to me. Who's the

who thinks so little of his buddies?
Sarge, it's your turn.

Which brings me to the subject of coal
conservation.

Now, men, we got to start saving fuel.
We can't throw a bucket out every time

one of you guys feels a draft.

Come on!

Show some fortitude around here.

We get... Trick or treat?

What is it?

Who are you?

Private Brubaker.

Brubaker? He's a new boy. You put him in
charge of quarters.

Brubaker, I'm... Hey, hey!

Brubaker, I put you in charge of
quarters. You're supposed to fix the

You've been goofing off pretty good,
Brubaker.

Sergeant, I've been in those furnace
flues all week.

Oh, that's where you were. I was ready
to mark a Maywall.

Pretty good deal you worked out for
yourself, huh, Brubaker? We're in here

freezing. You're all snug as a bug in
the flues, huh?

No wonder we can't get any heat in here.
You've been stopping it up.

Honest, Sarge. Warm weather soldier,
huh, Brubaker?

Sarge. One man, mind you.

One man like you at Valley Forge, and
today we'd all be British.

Sarge. But, Sarge, but, Sarge. I found
out what was wrong with the furnace.

What? It had no grate. No grate? I put
in a requisition for a new one. Well, at

least he's on the ball.

You put in a requisition?

Yes, sir. In the army, you put in a
requisition?

You actually went and... You actually
went to an officer and handed him a

requisition? Tell me, did he laugh at
you? No, sir. He said he pushed it right

through channels. Through channels.

Oh, you dreamer. Alice in Wonderland.

He put in a requisition. But Sergeant
Pilkoff... How else can you get a

grate? How else?

There's a hundred barracks on this post.
Each barrack has a furnace room, right?

Each furnace room has a grate, right?
Now, sometime tomorrow, somebody won't

watching one of those grates. In you go.
Out it comes. Into our furnace on a

double look. Hey, good. Don't you mean
just take one out of somebody else's

furnace? How do you think we lost ours?

Look alive.

But, Sergeant Bilko, isn't that
stealing?

Kid, there's no stealing in the Army.
It's just that a lot of equipment keeps

moving around.

Isn't that beautiful? He put in a
requisition.

I'm sorry.

Well, let's see how sorry you are. Go
on, fill a bucket.

It's a nice kid. I wonder what he looks
like.

It's going to be a cold winter. That is.

It's cold in here. So, we thought you'd
never get here. My jeep froze.

Oh. You're the duty rosters? Duty
rosters. Duty rosters. Post bulletins.

bulletins.

Worksheet. Worksheet.

Worksheet. Weekly schedule. Weekly
schedule. Weekly schedule. Seems to be

getting warmer in here. Yeah, it's a
little warmer here, sir. I guess what I

here is very... Special bulletin from
Special Services. That's it. Thank you,

sir.

Boy, I can hardly wait for the colonel
to send down one of those yearbooks with

those nice thick covers. They burn nice.

All right, fellas, that's it.

Dismissed.

Boy, this is like Siberia with uniform.
What is this? Put it in here. Wait a

minute. Let me look at it.

Oh, this is beautiful. That's special
service. They're really on a ball. Get a

load of this.

Attention. Join in the National All
-Soldier Singing Contest.

Form a glee club in your barracks.
Imagine our platoon singing.

We're lucky they can talk.

Oh, that's special service. They're
really on a ball. Get a load of this.

Don't forget, men, the finals are at
Camp Phillips.

That's beautiful, isn't it? As if it
matters.

Who cares, Pam?

Camp Phillips.

That's right outside of Florida, isn't
it? Right next to it.

I was right, Pam Phillips.

Miami.

Hey, if we win the singing
competition... All right, you

over here.

Men, send for your bikini suits. We're
going to Florida.

All like a zephyr. Like the world.

Romantic song. Stephen Foster wrote it
and dedicated it to his wife. It's

romantic. It wasn't hailing a cab.

What is that? Sorry, Sarge. What are we
knocking ourselves out for? We can't

sing.

Excuse me. I guess I didn't hear right.
Did I just hear a soldier in the United

States Army use the word can't? You
meant to say can do, didn't you? No, but

Sarge, we're just wasting our time. All
right.

Excuse me. It's going to kill you to
learn one song that you can sing in

company, huh?

fellas. Florida, remember.

We got over $300 in the welfare fund.
That means money in our pockets.

Florida. It's 90 above there, men.

Think of those baiting beauties, huh?

Shall we? Come on.

Just a minute.

Corporal Barbella, will you open that
door?

Oh, I see.

Where is that? Where is that? Read the
words. I see her trip.

Trip -tripping.

Acapulco, fellows.

I can't

help

you if you don't help me. Read the
words. What are the words? What does

word say?

Happy. Happy. Show it in your voices.
It's happy. It's gay.

Happy.

Be gay.

in the best you can, but it's very
important, this part. This is the part

the judges are going to watch us.

Fellas, we've got to distract from him.
You know what I mean? We've got to block

him out a little. Give me a hum, and
hold it, and... No,

no, no. We've got to do something.

All we've got to do is distract from
him. We've got to get the attention away

from him for that few bars.

Maybe we can start a fight.

That's very clever. He's trying his
best, isn't he? Now, look.

Wait a minute. Can you wing this for me?
It's not in the arrangement, but can

you remember this?

Hi, Jeannie, ho, Jeannie, hi, Jeannie,
ho, Jeannie, hi, Jeannie, hi, Jeannie,

ho, when I bring you in, all right?

And... No good.

I can still hear him.

Try it alone. Sing it tacit, but very
soft. Don't make a big thing out of it.

Just nice and restrained.

Man, it's singing.

What, do you want to throw in the towel?

We just started. This is our first
rehearsal.

Who do we have to beat in this contest?

Fred Waring?

We got to beat the wicky in his kitchen
platoon.

Pendleton knows creeps from the quarter
masses. Come on, fellas, we can do it.

Believe in it. Watch me.

Watch my hands.

Every finger is telling you a story.
Watch it.

Now, this is the finish. Nice and sweet
with expression.

Accapulco. Here.

I dream of Jeannie.

Swell.

The soft summer.

Jeannie is the sweetheart of the... I'm
going

to level with you, fellas.

I wouldn't buy any suntan oil if I was
you for a while.

All right.

Take five. Get ready.

Rocco. Joe.

Give it to me straight. Maybe I was too
close to him. How do they sound? For

true? For true.

That's the worst thing that I ever heard
in my life.

Agreed. How can 12 miserable voices get
into one platoon at the same time? I

can't understand.

If I only had one soloist I can build
around.

Dolberman. He's a real shrek.

Colonel wants to see you right away.
Colonel wants to see me?

Colonel wants to see me, huh? I wonder
what happened.

You think he found out about that jeep
engine I put in my car? No, no, I

that. You covered that?

Betting? Betting on a singing contest,
sir?

Surprised, aren't you? Now try and tell
me you're not behind the whole thing.

Sir, I don't know anything. He denies
it, Anderson. Colonel Hall, we just

checked on that gambling.

Bilko had nothing to do with it.

What? What?

Gambling on the post and Bilko had
nothing to do with it?

It's a corporal in Company A who's been
making book on the contest.

Bilko, I owe you an apology.

I accuse you out of force of habit.

Yes, sir.

I should have checked to see if you were
guilty or not, but...

Up till now, I never had to.

Gee whiz, sir. I'm no angel, I know.
But, I mean, after all, betting on a

cultural thing like a singing contest.

Sir, what man would stoop so low as to
do a thing like that? Uh, Corporal

Zinzer.

Zinzer.

Zinzer. His name is Zinzer.

Corporal Zinzer. He's in Company A.
Here, take this and bet it. Honey, I

like it.

Not only are you betting against your
own platoon, but you're using their

welfare funds to do it. There's no bet
involved.

This is a gambler's dream.

Now, look, we know something nobody else
knows, right?

We know our platoon cannot win. Not one
chance in a million. So, we bet on the

other three platoons. The odds are four
to one. We make at least 25 % of our

money. But, Ernie, betting against our
own boys.

It's sordid, but profitable.

Well, we got 300 bucks here. How much do
you want to bet? 100?

Wait a minute.

Dollars. Now, let me hear that song from
Doberman's part again.

Many are the wild... All right, all
right, swell. Thanks.

Well? Bet the whole 300.

All right, boys, rehearse. Besides, the
more we rehearse, the worse we sound.

Yeah, rehearse, rehearse. Keep it going.

All right, let's take it from Doberman's
solo.

Many are the wild... No, you hit the
many, not the are. Let's take it. Are

trying to tell me how to sing?

What are you going, temperamental on us
or something?

Broback, get lost. We're busy, you see.
All I wanted to say was that solo line

goes like this.

Many are the wild notes her merry voice
would pour.

Many are the blithe birds that walk...

We just want us off a trip to Florida.

Watch out, Bluebeck. You're with us.

Boys, it's in the bag.

Florida, it's a cinch. Let's go, boys.

I dream of Jesus.

Don't stop. Don't stop. Listen, fellas,
I just made a very big decision. I want

to see if I'm right. Let me hear that
again.

I dream of Jesus. I'm right. Fine, fine.

I dream of Jesus. Boy, I couldn't even
look him in the eyes. Don't look. Just

listen.

Every note they sing makes our bet a
cinch.

I think I ought to bet a little more.

More? We bet the whole 300.

Now, you get an opportunity like this
once in a lifetime. I think I'll sell

car. Sell the car? Yeah, where are you
going to get an opportunity like this

again? Yeah, but I knew... Wait a
minute. Here comes Dolman.

Get a load of this.

Here's Dolman's big moment coming up.

Many are the wild... What?

You got the radio on? What is that?

I saw this man before in my life. He
took a shower. He's taking government's

place. Oh, just like that. He's taking
government's place. You don't care what

you go through to win the contest, huh?
You don't care if you break a man's

heart here, do you? I don't mind. No,
no, Bill. You ain't going to cover up

bleeding heart. You're my soloist, pal.
Back in the finish line.

Don't care how you get up to the ladder
to the top, huh? You don't care who you

step on, do you, Brubaker?

Requisitions. You're going to
requisition a new heart for a man whose

you're breaking?

With Brubaker's voice, we're in. Now,
just a minute. I like to win contests as

much as you guys do, but not in this
sneaky, underhanded way. What are you

talking about? You know what I'm talking
about. He's ineligible.

Ineligible? Yes. You saw the pamphlets?
There it is.

Form a glee club in your own barracks.
He's not in our barracks. He's in the

finest room. Well, the finest is
connected with the barracks. It's

the barracks. Does it say that? Does it
say form a glee club with the finest

connected to the barracks? It says form
a glee club from your own barracks.

There's only a little wall there. A
little wall will crush this man's

Just a minute. Just a minute, Sarge.
Just a minute, Sarge. You listen to them

both and you decide which is better.

All right.

Fair enough. You know I'm with you. I
want to win. Let's hear you. Go on.

Mania.

Her merry voice would pour.

I must put in with you, it's a very
nice, sweet, ordinary voice.

Voices like this dime a dozen. There's
nothing, nothing that... Let's hear you,

Doberman. Many are the wild notes her
merry voice would pour.

What's the matter, Sarge? I'll be all
right.

He's crying.

How can you keep a dry eye and listen to
that voice?

That's no ordinary voice. That's the
voice of the soil.

That's the voice of the masses crying
out into the wilderness. This is a voice

with earth in it.

Sarge, do you really think Doberman has
a better voice than Brubaker?

Yes. You're a nut. You're crazy.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Sarge.

Maybe you don't want us to win.

me, but don't ever say a thing like that
again about me and my boys.

Come on, pull that trigger.

Right in the heart. I'd rather be dead
than to be accused of being a traitor to

my men. Let it go.

Look at the way we're squabbling. We
used to be a tightly knit unit. We were

together. Now we're fighting. No.

All bets, all contests are off. No more
singing.

Hey, we work like dogs. I don't care.
It's off. But Sarge, Florida.

I don't care. With that welfare fund
money in our pockets, Sarge. Welfare

if you don't want to be in on it,
Sergeant. Oh, wait. Let's not jump to

conclusions. Please.

Majority rules, okay with me. You want
them, he's in.

Ah. Now, look, Brubaker, it's riding on
your shoulders. You've got to put this

thing across. We've got a special
arrangement, and it's all geared up for

hit that high D and put the... High D?

Yeah. I can only go to B. If I go higher
than that, my voice cracks up.

It does?

Stand by. There may be an emergency
here.

But look, if you can hit a B, you can
hit a D.

It's just a matter of just projecting a
little.

Many of the high notes... Let me hear
that.

Many of the high notes...

I see the trouble is this little vein.
It's just got to be loosened, see?

What are you doing? What are you doing?
I'm trying to help them, fellas. We've

got to win, don't we?

Manny, get it loose. Manny, get it
loose. What was

this private's name again, Bilko?

Brubaker, sir.

Claude Brubaker.

Well, isn't that the same man we almost
transferred to the Aleutians until we

found out yesterday that somebody had
forged his name?

Yes, sir. But I'm checking on that, sir.
We're going to find out who did that,

sir. I'm checking on that. You seem
pretty high on him, Belko.

They're recommending his immediate
departure for officer's training school.

Yes, sir. I feel that every minute we
keep you here, we're depriving the army

a real officer full of all the qualities
that's needed. A real clean -cut

fellow. Come in.

Found them in the flues. Don't you clean
them up.

Is that Private Brubaker?

I think so, sir.

Brubaker. Yeah?

Do you realize what you were signing
when Bilko got you to sign this

application? Not exactly, sir. You see,
I don't read too good. He can't read!

Well, sir, after you transfer him, he
can exercise his eyes. It's just rolling

down. Quiet!

This, then, Bilko, is your idea of
officer material?

As an officer, I consider that an
insult.

Bilko!

waiting for you in the auditorium, sir.

Oh, yes, a singing contest. It goes on
in an hour.

Excuse me, Bilko.

Here, something you requisitioned for
your platoon is waiting to be picked up

the railroad station.

Thank you, sir.

I think it's a miracle.

Look, the great for the finest has
arrived.

Oh, what? Sergeant, if you give me the
keys to your car, I'll run down to the

station and pick it up.

Yeah.

Yeah, you do that. Here.

Here.

Now, be careful.

Don't drive recklessly, you know. I'll
tell you a time.

All right?

Well, sir, our troubles are over. You'll
be back in ten minutes.

You want to bet?

He's singing.

In one hour, the contest is over. We win
the contest. The platoon wants their

money, and we're cooked.

We'll need that car to get out of the
state.

Ever let you down?

Hello?

Roseville Police Station?

I want to report a stolen car.

Manny, you're a genius.

Manny, I...

No, save it, save it, save it. Oh, let's
stop kidding.

We're cooked.

And I had it all arranged for my wife to
meet me in Miami.

Boy, she was sure looking forward to it.
Your wife?

My folks were coming down from
Jacksonville to meet me when we got to

Your folks? All you guys didn't tell me.
Gee, I'm sorry. Don't blame yourself,

Sarge. It's not your fault Brubaker
disappeared.

Yeah, it's not your fault Brubaker
disappeared.

What? What? What? What do you want?

You're next. Let's go to Lola. Lola,
wait a minute. Lieutenant, sir.

Do you mind putting on some other
platoon? We want to go on last. Do you

Very well. Thank you. So we weren't
quite ready.

What do you mean? What's the matter?

Is the jeep outside? Right outside.

All right, look. Stall them until I get
back. Keep stalling. But, Einie, Einie,

listen. We've got to be on stage in a
few minutes.

But, Colonel, couldn't we wait just a
few more minutes? Sergeant Bilko will be

right back.

I'm sorry, Corporal. We've waited just
as long as we can. We must go on.

And now, the last contestants.

Company B, 3rd Platoon.

A genie with the light brown hair,

born like a zephyr on a summer day.

Mr. Brubaker, we are now in the
semifinals.

A lot of time we are having.

Our $400 is almost gone, but it was sure
worth it. Sorry that special detail

came up and kept you from coming along.

Wish you were here, your singing
platoon.

Well, then, lucky dogs.

Hey, Sarge, we finished that detail. We
could get a pass to go. That's right,

Sarge. We hop in your car. We're in
Miami in a couple of days, huh?

Car? What car? Your car.

Sarge, you didn't. No, I didn't. How do
you think they got the $400? What, have

I got private oil wealth?

Oh, Sarge, you sold the car?

Well, that'll be your lesson. You want
to be a big operator, you've got to pay

off. From now on, everything is GI
around here. No daydreaming. Come on.

this white pileup. Get those daily
roster movements going. Hey, Sarge, look

this. What?

Special services.

Armed forces boxing tournament finals at
Fort Zimmer, Las Vegas. You starting

with the daydreams again?

You starting with the contest that...

Las Vegas?

On course of boxing tournament finals at
Fort Zimmer, Las Vegas.

At Hot Desert Sun.

Gambling. You think I can get a chance
to work on that roulette system I've

planning? Yeah, but the platoon is gone.
We got nobody left to fight.

Henshaw. You. Finalist in the outer
office.

Come here. Come here. Wait a minute.

Let me see that. Do that again.

What did I do? Do it. Do it.

Did you ever see a right hook like that
in your life?

No. It's a bum.

Do that again.

Oh, come on. Tell me now. I'll keep it
secret. What was your fighting name?

Come on. Battling what? Come on. You can
tell me. I'll tell nobody. I never did

any fighting. You never did any
fighting. It's all... Look at those

They're mean. He's a killer. He's a
murderer when aroused. You can see it.

that hook there.

Oh, I would hate to be on the... You're
not a bleeder, are you?

Brubaker was played by Bob Dixon.

Doberman by Maurice Gossby.

Henshaw was played by Alan Malcolm.

Comedy Central, the only channel that's
funny.