All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e10 The Centennial

Lieutenant Parker.

Colonel Hope.

Welcome to Fort Baxter.

We haven't had a special service officer
here since Lieutenant Zimmer left. I

was wondering if you ever had one here,
sir.

I noticed by the records that you
virtually know outside organized

the men. No drama workshop, no art
classes.

Lieutenant, this is a service
installation with a permanent party of

army men. I'm afraid they're not
interested in it. I know what the men

interested in. It can be boiled down to
one word.

Poker. Well, there might be a little...
Yeah, usually under the leadership of

one sharpster who organizes the game and
takes his cut.

Oh, then you've met Sergeant Bilko.

Bilko.

What do you got?

Aces. I got kings.

Three of them.

You know, I don't know... I don't know
why I even bother to pick up my pay.

Why don't you do it for me, Bilko, and
cut out the middleman?

All right. All right, Zwicky, stop
beefing. You're just running into an

streak. It's in his 24th year.

You in or out?

All right, I'm in. There's nothing else
to do around here. There'll be a great

deal to do around here from now on. As
you were.

I'm Lieutenant Parker, your new special
service officer.

How do you do, sir? Sergeant Bilgo. Get
a chair for the lieutenant. It's a

quarter limit. You want to sit in,
Lieutenant? Sergeant Bilgo.

I understand you're my assistant.

Yes, sir, I meant to drop over and give
you your order, tell you about the

activities of the day, but this has been
a very busy night for me so far with

the football pool, the pool contest, the
bed -making rules.

I only got two hands, sir. Sergeant, did
you realize that there is supposed to

be no poker playing on the post?

No poker?

Why, are we at war?

That depends on you men.

Now, I hope to see you all at the modern
art class tomorrow night.

Modern art class?

Yes. May I have the cards?

Yes, sir. Thank you.

Good evening.

Nice fella.

We're going to miss him around here.

Oh, did you get that?

Modern art class.

He's going to need volunteers, huh?

I give him two weeks before he asks for
a transfer. I give him ten days.

Lieutenant Zimmer lasted a month.

Lieutenant Zimmer had knives of steel.
My very last two weeks. Five days. Five

days.

Let's do it right. We'll make a pool, a
bucket throw. What day do you pick?

Twelve days. Twelve days.

How many days do you want? Attention!

Sergeant Vilko, I forgot to mention that
Mrs. Grimby of the Roseville High

School Art Department will be here
tomorrow night to start the art classes.

sir. I want you to take down the names
of all the men who wish to enroll.

Very good, sir. Oh, and, uh, sergeants.

Here's one dollar. A dollar?

I want to enter your pool and how long
I'm going to stay here. Oh, so we were

only kidding about that. It's a joke.
Well, I don't know when I'm going to

leave. But when I do, you men will be
painting, dancing, acting, and singing.

And I'll be a captain.

As you are.

He's going to be rough, sir. What are
you going to do, sir? All right. You

what the lieutenant said, as you were.

Now, where were we?

Who's in?

All right, come on, fellas. It's five
minutes to eight. We've got to make this

official. After all, I am Lieutenant
Parker's assistant.

True. All you men who want to volunteer
for the art class, please raise your

hands.

A little higher, please.

Good boys, I'm proud of you.

It's the Bilko boycott.

Look, all you guys who got him in the
pool or quit on the three days, looks

you got a winner. Hey, Jack!

Well, Bilko?

Sir, I want you men to volunteer for
these art classes. Come on, fellas,

cooperate. Maybe there's a Picasso among
you. Please, fellas.

Not one volunteer, sir. You'd think
they'd want a little culture. What's

sir? Well, I'm counting the men. I'm not
sure there'll be enough room in the art

class. Enough room? Sir, you don't
understand. There hasn't been one

Didn't I make it clear?

He thought there's not a volunteer in
the entire battalion. There's not one

who... Are you Lieutenant Parker?

Oh, Miss Dueser. You shouldn't have come
in here. The art class is in the

recreation hall.

And Miss Dueser is the model we're
using. The model? I just wanted to know

there was someplace where I could leave
my clothes. Oh, well...

We've made accommodations for you in the
rec hall.

The rec hall? Yes, the recreation hall.

Will one of you fellows who were in the
course show Miss Dueser the way?

I got a short cut. Wait for me. Just as
I thought. There may not be enough room.

Where, where, where, where?

Sodge, if it was anything else. You sore
sod. Don't you see what he did? He

erased the whole thing. Sodge, there
might not be enough room. Listen to me.

That's all a brag. Will you come? It's
all a rag. where she says, wait, can I

leave my gloves?

Wait for me!

While Miss Dueser is changing, I would
like to say a few words.

While the human body in art, as in life,
seems very uniform, we all have two

arms and two legs and so forth, there
are many variations.

Men.

Just as no two faces are alike, or we
would all look the same.

Men, no two bodies are alike.

Men, in painting the human body,
proportion is everything.

Keep that always in your mind.

Proportion.

Men, I like to start my classes with the
human body.

Ready, Miss Dooser? Just one second.

class at Fort Baxter, and that's why.

Ah, here she is.

This is Miss Dooser.

For our first picture, I have selected a
winter scene.

Who are you?

I'm thinking all the time, fellas. Three
weeks of painting, dancing, singing.

Are we ever going to have fun again just
playing cards?

We will, men. I have made my decision.

What is it? We're going to have a
centennial.

Fort Baxter is suddenly a hundred years
old.

But you did that once already, Ernie.
That's when Lieutenant Zimmer had

transferred. I know. We still have that
unpublished history. You know the one we

found in the old store shed?

The only history ever attempted about
Fort Baxter. Yeah, but I thought you

promised the colonel you was going to
bind it.

I did, but I better save it, I said to
myself, in case something important

up. And, gentlemen, this is it.

A centennial.

What did you say, sir? A centennial.
Heaven, sir. How do you ever think of

these things?

A centennial.

Parades. Parades. Drills. Wonderful.

Marches. Visiting generals.

Senators. Newsreels. Movie stars. Why,
we could have a pageant, sir. A pageant.

You've thought of it again, sir.

Those long -lost heroes at Fort Baxter.

Bilko, this is it. Sir, I've done some
research on this subject. Bilko, it's in

your hands. You stage that pageant. I'll
get the publicity rolling.

A centennial. Why, it's the best idea I
ever had. Wonderful, sir.

What was that he said? Oh, sir, I've got
to get the clay modeling. They're all

got sticky fingers.

Bilko, come back. Yes, sir. Come back
here.

Did he say centennial? I didn't hear
what he said, sir. I was so busy. Did he

say centennial?

Well, sir, I think he did. I thought you
burned that book.

Sir, it's a real true history of the
post, sir. It's history that has been

forgotten. Let's leave it that way.

Bilko, shame on you.

I know the lieutenant has been a little
hard on you fellas with this culture

drive of his, but I thought you could
take it without resorting to something

like this.

Why, if you start on that centennial
routine, he won't last a week. Oh,

Sergeant, I want to see you just about
one thing. Oh, Lieutenant Parker, now

about that centennial.

Really, Bilko, it was supposed to be a
surprise. It's no surprise.

If you'll step into the privacy of my
office, I'd like to discuss with you

something about the history of Fort
Baxter. Oh, well, Colonel, Sergeant

handling all the research, and I'm doing
the producing. So there really isn't

very much open for you. Open for me?
Why, I... Well, you won't have any time

anyway.

Tonight, the officer's square dance
meeting is being held at your home.

dancing? Well, this is my bridge night.
And tomorrow night, the...

The poetry club meets.

Well, then I'm having people over for
canasta. I've discussed it with your

and she agrees with me that Friday night
is the best night for the mandolin club

to meet. Friday night? That's my
pinochle night.

Colonel Hall, I'm afraid there'll be
little time for card playing as long as

on the post.

As long as he's on the post, sir.

As long as he's on the post.

Uh, excuse me, sir. You were saying
something about the centennial?

Nothing, nothing. Go right ahead.

Good, good.

Target. You get on that pageant. Order
costume, scenery, everything. I'll get

the publicity. Right, sir. Milton. Sir.

You're a conniver, a sharpster, and an
operator.

And sometimes you're almost a blessing.

Thank you, sir. I got to get ready with
the pageant. A hundred years of valor.

Oh, sorry.

Private Hankel, that's all right. But
play our... fellow. You understand like

rehearsed you? And look, in the battle
scenes, I want a lot of excitement, but

play with the fingers, not with the
fists. You understand?

Flash men are no spotlights.

This is a pageant. It isn't the opening
of a supermarket.

Keep them in one spot.

You understand?

Hey, Sarge. Sarge. What now?

How come Kodowski is an Indian chief and
he's only a private?

It don't make sense. Don't make sense.
Just do as you're told. Back. Come on,

come on, come on. And you stay, Chance.

Listen, move the scenery.

Don't throw it at each other, will you?

Sarge. What now?

Sarge.

He says that he's Dolly Madison.

Now, look, Fender, you are Dolly
Madison. I told him that. All right.

Now, listen, we're moving.

Horowitz!

Horowitz! Let me hear those tom -toms.

Horowitz, let me hear the tom -toms.

All right, cut it.

All right, cut it!

Now, watch your cues, all right?

Lieutenant. We're just about ready to
start, sir. Splendid, splendid.

Bilko, this is going to put a feather in
our caps. Go right ahead. All right,

sir. All right, men. This is it. Press
rehearsal. Everybody in their places.

Watch it now.

Lights.

Music.

I am the

voice of Fort Baxter.

Today I am 100 years old.

Come with me as we leap through the
pages of the history of our glorious

Let truth prevail.

I am truth.

Too long have my lips been sealed about
Fort Baxter.

Let us meet our first hero, General
Indian Bill Baxter, and pull aside the

curtain of time.

And pull aside the curtain of time.

We haven't the chance.

General, we're hopelessly outnumbered.
We'll have to surrender.

Surrender or never.

We ain't gonna surrender till we find
out who's been selling them engines,

whiskey. General, it's hopeless.

Let me think.

Oh, the sound of those tom -toms are
driving me mad.

The sound of those tom -toms are driving
me mad.

Day in, day out. They haunt my brain,
those tom -toms.

Always those tom -toms. Thank heavens
they've stopped.

Now, you men, go.

Thank heavens they've stopped. You men,
you... They've stopped, thank heavens.

They've stopped the tom -toms.

Now, men, you all go out there and find
out and capture me, that Indian. But,

General, but, General, it's suicide to
leave the post.

We'll be cut down.

General, look at us. We are in no
condition to fight. Just a minute.

Finally die.

Are these my brave Indian fighters
talking? Are you going to let a broken

and some poison iron wound stop you from
bringing in that Indian chief tall

feather who's probably been... Go, men.

Go like the brave heroes you are.

And how my heart aches to think that I
can't go with you all.

General, you ain't coming along?

My sign is... Sign is giving you a lot
of trouble, eh, General?

General, pull out the arrow.

This is a brave man. I'm going to give
this man some medals before this day is

over. General, just pull out the arrow.

Hold on.

You're a brave man. Corporal, don't drip
the blood all over the table.

Hold on. Here's a message.

General, pull out the arrow.

Hang on, Corporal. Hang on.

The message says, Indian Bill, if you
want us, you come get us.

Chief Tallfeather.

Men, are you going to let that filthy
Redskin talk this way to your commanding

officer? No!

General, pull out the arrow.

Go bring me back and go.

Yeah!

Now I will find out once and for all
who's been selling those engines, that

whiskey. General, pull out the arrow.
Oh, yes, I almost forgot.

I got a sliver in my finger.

Go run to the infirmary. Get me a
bandage. General, I'll never make it.

far you can get.

Sir, you don't understand. This was one
of his tricks. General Baxter was very

crafty. He let the Indians think he was
wounded. They got careless, got drunk,

and they were all captured.

Oh, it's a very good touch. There's more
to this, sir.

Ah, here come the men now.

General, we lost most of the men, but...
We got them, Chief.

General, pull out the... Brave men.

Brave men, but they shall not die in
vain.

Now I will find out... Who's been
selling you Indians that whiskey? Tell

You talk, you filthy redskins. Who's
been selling you that whiskey?

It doesn't matter. Because from now on,
you're buying the whiskey for me.

I got some new bourbon. Stop, stop,
stop.

What's wrong, sir?

Vilco, are you crazy?

Showing the first commanding officer at
Fort Baxter selling liquor to the

Indians. Sir, it's all here in the
history.

I don't... It all happened, you see.

He was dishonorably discharged and they
sentenced him to 30 years in federal

prison. I don't care, Bilko. I don't
care. Is this a centennial? 100 years of

valor? I'll be the laughing stock of the
Pentagon. Sir, it just builds up the

next episode about the Civil War. You
know that it involves Honest Colonel

Otis? The hero of the Civil War?

Honest John. Oh, he did one of the most
tremendous feats of all to this man.

Let friendship nor love stand in his way
of duty.

Oh, that's more like it now, Bilko.

Much more like it.

You better start the pageant from there.
All right, sir. I'll make a few changes

and start it from there.

I caught it in time. It was a close
shave.

Well, looks like he's weakening, huh?

General, pull out the arm. Oh, shut up.

Listen, get out of these costumes. New
rehearsal start. Get everybody.

Yes, yes, I know, sir. It's very bad.

Very, very bad, yes. But the centennial
is still on, sir.

It's just that we needed a slight
postponement.

A little rewriting.

I am truth.

Too long.

have my lips been sealed.

Let us meet Fort Baxter's great hero,
Colonel Honest John Otis, in that great

moment during the Civil War that made
him famous.

Gentlemen, the court -martial has
reached its decision.

General Otis, Major Barton is your best
friend.

You were at West Point together.

And yet you're condemning him to death.

Yes. Bring in the prisoner.

Gentlemen, you think this was an easy
decision for me to reach?

Henry, John!

Major Barton, you have been found guilty
of treason.

But I'm innocent. I never saw that piece
of paper happen to you.

Then how do you account for your name
being on this document signed by

Davis, Confederate president?

Stop! Stop! My husband is innocent!

He's innocent!

Madam, I'm sorry. but he has been found
guilty. You think this was an easy

decision for me to make, setting my best
friend to be hanged? John! You have

been found guilty. The court martial is
over.

Please, have mercy. You've known him all
your life.

Take the prisoner away.

John! John, please, please.

Sometimes the call of duty is more
important than anything that love or

friendship... John, he's your best
friend.

They've gone.

I have a more important decision. You've
got to rush this letter to General

Robert E. Lee. Robert E. Lee? In there.

In there is the information that I'm
going to sell him every gun on this

fort. We'll make a fortune. And then
it's off. Off to South America.

Alone at last, darling.

I love you. The moment I saw you, I
loved you. Stop this. Stop this. Stop

There's more to this than the best part
is coming. Are you out of your mind?

What's wrong, sir?

75 years of valor?

It's all in here in the history. It was
all right.

You see, they recaptured Colonel Otis at
Nicaragua. He was brought back and

hanged. It was, huh? But I've got
generals and senators coming.

But this is no centennial. Why, it's a
parade of corruption.

Sir, if you'll excuse me, don't mention
the word corruption in the same breath

that you mentioned Major Iron Mike
Grundy.

Major who? The great hero of the Spanish
-American War.

The man who single -handedly broke out
the Spanish espionage ring.

Iron Mike Grundy. Iron Mike Grundy?

Major Grundy, sir. Who broke the Spanish
espionage system? He did, didn't he?

Yes, yes, he certainly did.

I am truth.

Too long have my lips been sealed.

It is the Spanish -American War.

We are in the headquarters of Major Iron
Mike Grundy.

chief of intelligence.

I'm telling you, Major Grundy, every top
secret in the army somehow leaks out.

We gotta do something, sir. The enemy
knows every plan as soon as we do.

You've got the best brain in the army,
Major Grundy. You're the only man who

do anything about it. And, uh... What is
it?

Well, men, it's no secret that our best
plans have been divulged by young

officers full of emotion who have been
unfortunate enough to fall under the

lure... of Spain's top spy, Matalopez.

What are you going to do? Do nothing.

Nothing? Yes, nothing, men. I have
arranged for every plan, every

move, every gun replacement has to come
directly through me.

This gentleman is the bait that will
lure Matalopez to me. And when she comes

me, she is finished.

Major, that's brilliant.

If I may say so, sir, when they called
you hired by Grundy, it was not an

understatement. You are a jovial one,
Lieutenant. You are that, you know. I

your pardon, Major Grundy. Yes, miss.

Uh, the Red Cross. Coffee and donuts?

Well, that's very nice of you, miss.
Now, you men, get me the new photographs

the new replacements. I'm the double.
There's a good chance. Yes, I'm here.

Here.

One lump or two?

What did you say, my dear? One lump or
two?

Black.

Black? Yes, black.

Black is the heart that's in you, Mata
Lopez.

I told him in Madrid it was too much to
ask to try to fool Iron Mike Grundy.

Yes, you wench.

Up to now, you've been trading kisses
for secrets.

But now, Mata Lopez, you are finished.

But I'm too young to die, Major.

Please, your wiles may work on other
men, but my lips are sealed.

And such pretty.

Oh, this poppy rump will get you
nowhere.

Because I... Three ships are leaving
Charleston on the 24th.

There's a lot of men on them. Here's the
country, please.

Regiments, regiments.

Eighteen regiments. I'll give you the
code for them later.

And I love you. No, no, no. I have more.

Photographs. Read the carrier. Take them
to the stove. Oh, I love you so much.

Let me go. Let me go.

Please. I've got...

I want you. Stop.

Stop. Let me go. I want to go back to
Madrid.

I'll go to Madrid with you. I have so
much to say. Stop. Stop. Stop it. Stop

Please, sir, the best part. Don't have
it.

Stop it. Stop it, please.

Stop the scene.

What's wrong, sir? If you can't finish
the scene, it'll be the finish of me.

Well, it went out fine, sir.

Okay. Attention!

Sergeant Bilko? Yes, sir? I'm Lieutenant
Kissel, your new special service

officer. How do you do, sir? I was on my
way to report to your office, but I've

been very busy, sir. Well, you're going
to be busier. Give me those cards.

Yes, sir. Now, I want you to get these
men together for my new clay modeling

class. Dramatic group, poetry circle,
modern ballet.

Please, sir, do you mind if I interrupt?
Why don't we just get to the

centennial, sir?

Centennial? Yes, sir, did you know that
Bob Baxter is 100 years old this month?

Well, centennial, wonderful.

Tell me more about it. Oh, sir, we can
do it. I have all the data. We can have

pageant. A pageant? Would you think
that'd be swell? I'll give you all the

information you need. Thank you for
dropping in, Lieutenant.

Two days.