All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e09 The Eating Contest

What was that score we lost by? I
couldn't keep up with it. 68 to nothing.

nothing. You'd think they'd at least
give us one point for showing up.

What was wrong with you guys out there
after all the coaching I gave you? There

was something big happening out there.
Something more important than just the

morale of Company B or to prove that the
American soldier fights to the end.

We had money on this game.

Seventy -five bucks of the platoon's
welfare fund was fumbled away this

afternoon. And we do mean fumble.

And you, next time we choose one of your
cooks to play quarterback, make sure he

washes the butter off his hands. Now,
it's my fault, huh?

My kitchen platoon lost 90 bucks on that
game you said was in the bag.

All right, all right. Now, on top of
that, Zelinka, my best donut man, gets a

broken finger.

Sixty -eight for nothing.

Ten fingers, and it's got to be the one
he makes the holes with. All right, all

right. Come on. Things are bad all over.

All right, go on, wash up.

I know Uncle Sam needs men, but not as
badly as I do. Why don't we knock

ourselves out trying to beat that
company?

Football, basketball, soccer, softball.
We keep betting them, they keep taking

our money.

The Army says athletics is good for our
morale.

I got a kitchen full of cooks ready for
mass suicide.

Look, Zwicky, if you want to cry, go to
your own barracks. We got work to do

around here.

Rocco, aren't you supposed to get those
duty rosters out? Or maybe you got a

secretary handling it for you.

Yo.

60 bucks for my supply platoon. And we
lost 75.

All right, stop beefing. I'll get the
money back somehow.

Come on. It's just that Company A, they
get all the breaks in the new transfers.

Each guy they get is bigger and tougher
than the next one.

Well, we need around here some new
talent.

Some guys with athletic ability.

Some guys who... Who are you?

Sergeant Bilko.

I'm Sergeant Bilko. Who are you?

Honigan. Ed Honigan. I've been
transferred to your motor pool platoon

Dixon. I'm a mechanic, specialist
rating.

Camp Dixon, huh?

Got some pretty good teams up there,
huh, pal? What do you do?

I've worked on half tracks, engine and
body.

Listen, play any football?

Football? You play any football?

No. Oh, saving yourself a basketball,
huh? I've done a lot of valve and piston

repair, transmission.

How about baseball, a little baseball?

Huh? No. Soccer? Maybe soccer?

No soccer. I do diesel engine overhauls.
How about baseball?

Softball? I have some experience. Water
polo?

Any skiing?

How are you with tiddlywinks?

Gee, I'm sorry, Sarge. I've never gone
in for any kind of games. I guess I'm

just a soldier.

The last thing I need in this outfit is
a soldier.

Let me look.

Okay, Honigan. Here, Henshaw.

I'm putting him on motor rebuilds. Take
him inside and brief him. Welcome

aboard, Corporal. Hey, Rocco, look
alive. I'm coming.

Oh, excuse me. Hey!

Ain't... Ain't you Ed Honigan?

That's right, yes.

Gee, I never thought I'd get to meet you
in person. I... I won $50 on you that

time in Okinawa.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Uh, excuse me.

Who would believe it?

Ed Honigan and our platoon.

Hey, Locke, who is that guy?

You mean for real you don't know?

Hurry up!

Who is he? Honegan! Ed Honegan!

Here we go. Who's Ed Honegan? You mean
for real you don't know, Sarge? Gee,

weren't you in the South Pacific?

Well, we're back to playing stop the
clock again. Who is he?

Oh, I thought everybody knew him.
He's... He's the stomach.

Stomach? The stomach. I knew he looked
familiar.

The stomach in our company. Wow!

Oh, boy, he got the stomach. Who's the
stomach? The, the stomach, the eating

champion of the United States Army.

Eating champion?

Mr. Appetite himself.

You remember during the war we used to
have them eating contests? Every

had its champ.

The stomach could take them all.

Hey, remember the championship finals at
Kwajalein Island?

Boy, what'll my boys find out who
they'll be cooking for from now on?

matter, you crazy?

Don't mention a word about this. Keep
this under your hat until we're ready to

make our move. What move?

Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but
hasn't it been said that Company A has a

that they think is quite a neater? Yeah,
the supply sergeant, Hoggy Henderson.

Oh, he's the best knife and fork man in
the division.

Yes, I'm mistaken.

From time to time, don't they like to
bet on him?

Yeah, but we never had nobody that could
compare with him when the... Ernie!

Ah, the sun is starting to peek through
the clouds.

An eating contest.

Yeah, you know how the guys in my outfit
are. They'll bet on anything.

They figure on man -to -man betting,
maybe we got a chance.

Oh, sure, sure. Anything to accommodate
you. Uh, how much you putting up?

Well, I got $70 out of our welfare fund.

And here's $55 from my kitchen platoon
and $60 from signal corps. $50 from

supply.

$235.

You boys must think you've got quite a
need over there. Oh, I don't know. Some

jokey thinks he's a glutton. What's his
name? I forget. Some little guy. Thin. A

little thin fellow.

Well, there you are. You got yourself a
bet.

We hold the bet in standard procedure
according to the interplatoon betting

regulations. Check.

Riggle, wriggle, wriggle.

Zimmerman, take this down to the machine
shop and have it welded.

Then give it to the chaplain to hold for
us.

Rocco. I'm right behind you. Zimmerman,
have that sergeant step in here, please.

Yes, sir.

Like they say at Madison Square Garden,
may the best man emerge victorious.

Huh? All right.

Belko, you disappoint me, boy.

Disappoint you? Yeah, for the sharpest
operator on the post, you sure pulled a

boo -boo. What you talking about, boy?
For a guy who's supposed to know

everything about everything on this
post, you seem to have forgotten we got

pretty good knife and fork man in our
outfit.

Come in.

Man, I want you to meet Sergeant
Henderson.

Hiya.

Hog Henderson?

You told me he was transferred.

Somebody told me. Oh, we haven't got a
chance.

Oh, give us at least three to one odds.
Not a chance.

Well, the area hears about this. Bilko
matching some company B meatball against

the Hog. Hog Henderson, championing at
the Canal Zone three years running.

Title holder in the Philippines.

And get this.

At Kwajalein, in the Interzone Finals
for the World's Championship, he came in

third to the stomach.

The stomach?

Take your hats off when you mention that
name.

He was the greatest.

Give us a break. Give us some of these
two -to -one eyes.

We'll drop by later to discuss the
details of the contest.

That is, if you can call it a contest.

Give us a break, will you, Alan? Have
mercy.

Mercy. What am I going to tell them?

You mean one guy's going to eat all
that? Are you kidding?

For the stomach, this is just a snack. I
tell you, we got the champ in there.

Would I be risking the entire welfare
fund if this wasn't a sure thing? Sure

thing. Everything is a sure thing with
this outfit until we lose.

They say this Hogg Henderson is murder
with the meat and potatoes. Hogg

Henderson, is he kidding?

Henderson is a canary compared to the...
Tell him, Ruckel.

One day in Kwajalein, with me own eyes,
I seen him put away nine chickens, five

pounds of potatoes, a bushel of carrots
and peas, 19 corns and eight pies, and

he wasn't even breeding hard.

Welcome, welcome, corporal. Your chair,
monsieur.

Say, what's all this? Oh, it's just the
tradition of the platoon.

A new member always gets his first meal
served here. Won't you?

Say, that looks great.

Boy, let me at that food.

Stand back.

You want to be eaten?

Boy, yum.

Yum. This is steak.

I'm hungry. He's hungry.

I missed my lunch on the train. He
missed his lunch. I told you I haven't

enough food here. I got more in it,
Gene.

Look at that forehand. Is that a thing
of beauty? Look at him.

Say, say, aren't you fellas going down
in the mess hall?

No, no, don't mind us. It's a privilege
to stand here and just watch it.

That

just

hit the spot.

Not a...

with the steak?

No, it's terrific.

Oh, I got a secret.

He smokes in between bites, right?

No,

I'm full.

Say, say, thanks an awful lot, fellas.
Thanks an awful lot. Hey, I wonder

planned at the post -movie tonight.
Movie?

Eddie, baby, we haven't finished the
Batman yet.

You got money on that guy?

There's got to be an explanation.

Where you going? He wants some
bicarbonate. Claims he ate too much.

feeling better. Oh, sure thing, yeah.
Sit down, sit down.

Oh, say, say, you sure make a guy feel
at home in this outfit. Well, that's

I'm here for, to give the boys a home
away from home.

You know something, Ed? The boys were
telling me when you were overseas, you

a nickname.

What was it again?

The kidney, the liver, what?

Oh, uh, they used to call me the
stomach.

That's it, the stomach, yeah.

That was because I was a real heavy
eater.

In fact, I used to win contests.

Sanchez, huh? Yeah, but let's not talk
about that. No, no, no. Let's talk about

it. I want to know all about that.

Well, when I was overseas, I had a girl
back home I was crazy about.

Then one day I got one of those letters.

Oh, yeah. Dear John, I found another.
Stanley is his name. I know the letters,

yes. She found somebody else.

And I was miserable.

It seems misery has a funny reaction
with me. It makes me hungry.

The more miserable I got, the hungrier I
got.

Pretty soon, I started eating.

I mean eating.

Pretty soon, the only place I could get
enough food to eat was in contests.

And before I knew it, I was so
miserable, I was the champion eater of

army.

Champion, huh?

Terrible, isn't it? Yeah, it's awful. Go
on, tell me more about it.

I was compensating.

Compensating? Yeah, that's what Captain
Lazarus said.

Captain Lazarus? Yeah, he was the army
psychiatrist that straightened me out.

That's nice.

he got to you because you're an old guy
who can be helped. All I have to do is

get my mind off her. Forget it.

Today I don't want to remember her name,
what she looked like, or anything about

it. And you see before you a happy man,
Sergeant.

You stay that way. I'll have to instruct
me here by car. Just take it easy. I'll

be right back.

Is he really the stomach? He's the
stomach, all right, only with

It seems when he was overseas.

The only time he wanted food was when he
was miserable.

Overseas, that made me miserable. All
right, all right.

But he's starting with jokes he's got to
find out a way. A way to remind him of

his girl so he'll be so miserable that
he'll start... Hey, when we were

overseas, what was it that reminded us
of our girl? Another girl. Oh, come on.

I know.

There was always one thing that kept us
together, even though we were miles

apart. A song.

The song.

Always a song.

We used to call it our song.

Yeah.

Emma.

See? See?

That's what we've got to find out. We've
got to find out the song that reminds

him of his... Gomez, here.

Go to every service club. Get me every
phonograph record that was a hit between

1942 and 1945 when the stomach was
over... Oh,

boy,

those jokes are really great. I love
that one. What is it? Why does a fireman

wear red?

I got another one, you all.

He's got another one. Get the record.

The record.

Oh, how... out some records.

Oh, we don't want them now.

Then he's got some jokes to tell. Uh,
records?

You don't mind, do you? You see, once a
week we like to play records for old

time's sake.

Oh, sure, sure. Go right ahead. I'd love
to hear them. We old warriors do get

sentimental, don't we?

Oh, memories.

What memories?

I got my tooties.

I don't like this one. It's too jazzy.

Oh, this one will tear your heart out.

I don't like that.

It's too frivolous.

walk alone because to tell you the truth

PBX, I want to get something to eat.

Hensworth. Hensworth, what are you doing
here and all? Where's the stomach?

Oh, gee, Sarge, the poor guy was so
miserable.

He was miserable, huh?

Yeah, moaning and sniffing. I couldn't
take it any longer.

I told him to have a good long talk with
the chaplain.

The chaplain?

It's not too late.

It's too late?

Yeah.

Hiya, Padre. Hello, Belko.

Let's try to brighten up that corner,
huh?

Don't worry, Padre. That talk with you
was all I needed.

Thanks.

Awful nice guy, Belko. Yeah, yeah. He
was telling me you've been wonderful to

him. Oh, you know what I mean, Padre.
Just showing him the hospitality of the

barracks.

Yes, he's happy now, but it won't last.

It won't? It won't? It won't?

He's too much in love with that girl. He
told me all about her. She lives in

Tulsa. But he was hurt so much when
she... Well, I wish I could do

but what? Well, what can you, you
know... Good night, Padley.

By the way, that cash box has been in my
office a week now.

I wouldn't by any chance be holding a
gambling stake again, would I?

Gambling? Gee whiz, Padley, what is...
Gambling?

That's our welfare fund, you know, in
case somebody in the platoon gets in

trouble and needs a little...

Gambling? I mean, really, Padre? Billko,
gambler or not, the odds on you getting

into heaven are getting bigger every
day.

So long, Padre. He's a wonderful guy. He
sure is. How do you feel?

Oh, say, say, say, I've got a couple of
new jokes to tell you. Jokes? Oh, yeah,

let's hear some jokes. Oh, when do you
hear this one? I love jokes.

This is a job for an expert.

This calls for a real louse.

Oh, oh, oh, sure.

You got enough to read?

Oh, yeah.

Say, say, imagine me mourning over a
girl I haven't seen in ten years.

The silliest thing I ever heard.

I mean, I mean, I mean, girls are like
street cars.

There'll be another one along any
minute.

I mean, they're all alike, and Hazel was
like all of them. You need her like you

need another head, boy.

I'm telling you, I don't want any part
of her, never. I don't blame you. You're

through, right? Yeah.

Throw. Finished.

Finished. That's what you told the
chopper.

And that's what you told me.

But could you tell it to your heart?

Can you tell your heart you threw?

No.

Well, well, if it isn't the suckers from
Company B.

Well, Bill Coe, where's your boy?

He'll be along. I think he stopped in
the coffee shop for a little snack.

Henshaw! You! Got a man here? Right
here, Sarge. Fellas, I'd like you to

It's... It's Ed Honigan, the stomach.

The stomach?

That's off. You brought in a ringer. The
phone, pal. It's all legitimate.

Here's his name right on the roster.

Edward C. Honigan.

Gosh, it's really him.

Hello, hon.

How many will be in the room?

There'll be 50 of us. Just a minute.

Here's the menu we want. Yes, thank you.

Ten dozen oysters.

With plenty of crackers.

Maybe a little light consomme.

Cream of tomato with lots of croutons.

Twelve chickens.

Three bushels of salad.

Fourteen steaks. Six pies.

With cheese.

Yes. Well, that'll be service for 50.

Hold it, hold it.

Service for two.

I beg your pardon? Two, two.

Toi, moi, sous.

cheese. Okay, go after it, stomach.

Come on, champ, show them.

Edwin!

Hazel! Oh!

For the chocolate ball, I flew! This is
a bad part of... I didn't mean that

letter I wrote to you. Eat the cheese!
Stop screaming at me! Eat the cheese!

Bring it here! It's beautiful.

Eat the cheese. It's beautiful.

Please go away. Eat the cheese.

you'd want it. Want it? Want it?

Why don't you present it to them now?
Oh, I'll give it to them in the

Them? Yeah. I mean, Hunniger.

You told me the welfare fund was for the
member of the platoon who needs it.

Needs it? Who needs it? Well, thanks to
you, one of the platoon is about to be

married. They'll need furniture, rugs, a
TV set for their new home.

If the platoon welfare fund isn't for
that, what is it for?

Bilko.

This isn't a gambling stake, is it?

No.

What? What?

Yeah, Annika.

You and the little lady from the
platoon. There's a lot of money there.

Oh, Sergeant, you're wonderful.

Still cold?

Why are you looking at me? What? At
least we won, didn't we?

Now we're not in debt.

Sergeant, still cold?

The check. Check? What check?

Sixty -five dollars and eighty -eight
cents. Remember the rules. The winner

the check.

It's been a pleasure.

Check.

Take action!

Which way is your kitchen?

All up your sleeves.

This is for a year.

Let's get out of here.

The Stomach was played by Fred Gwynn.
Henderson by Vern Hoffman. Sergeant

by Murray Hamilton.

Coming next.