All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e08 Mardi Gras

How are you coming along with that
float? Anybody in position?

Let me see. Hold that sign up.

The spirit of company, B .O. It's a
grabber. Get your head in here.

Who are you, Fleischman? I'm Integrity.
I'm Integrity. You're Fraternity. I'm

Fraternity. I will straighten out all
line. Just keep on the float.

Who are you, Paparelli? I'm Vigilance.

Fraternity, Vigilance, Fellowship. One
missing.

Purity. All right. I need volunteers.
Who wants to be purity?

Freeze. Freeze.

All right. The last chance.

Who wants to be purity?

Well, at least they're honest.

Yes, I do.

All right.

Gentlemen, this is the moment we've been
waiting for all year. The lucky drawing

to find who will be king of the Mardi
Gras. Put in your dog tags.

All right, men. You know, when you're
king of the moniker, you know what goes

with it. You're regal. You're royal.

You're riding a colonel's car. The
colonel may be driving. When you get to

ball, your train is carried by four MPs
and tights, no less. Okay, guys.

This is it. We want to be fair. Shake it
up good.

I'll do the drawing. Get me a blindfold.

Never mind. Just take off your glasses,
sir.

All right, here we go, men.

All right.

Gentlemen, this is the moment we've all
been waiting for. We will soon see...

who will reign supreme as King Rex of
the Mardi Gras. And the lucky man is...

Gentlemen,

get a grip on yourself.

King Rex of the motor pool Mardi Gras is
none other than His Royal Highness,

Dwayne Doburn.

I can't be no king.

What do you mean you can't be? He'll be
great.

Look at you. You're royal. You're regal.
You're a small Farouk.

Take His Majesty's grease gun and put it
in His Highness's locker.

And now, Your Majesty, we breathlessly
await your first command.

Who, sir, shall be the lucky lady who
will reign as your queen?

Come on, come on, Dolman. Who's the
lucky girl?

Girl? Such!

His Royal Highness is a bundle of
nerves.

We, your loyal subjects, will pick the
queen for you. And now, Your Majesty, go

and get washed up. All right? Get over
to the welding shop and get fitted for

the crown on the double. Here I am!

We've got to find the Queen, haven't
you? Hey, they'll be right down in

Doberman's locker. Where do you think
they're going?

Come on, come on. Those are Doberman's
personal savers. Put them back. Sarge,

you're going to flip. Look.

He's cut out newspaper clippings and
pasted them in this book all about Joy

Landers. Oh, no. Joy Landers? Wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Quiet.

Joy Landers at the hunt meet.

Joy Landers returns from Paris.

Here we thought all the time Doberman
was not interested in girls.

We have found ourselves the queen.

Joy Landers? Yes.

Impossible. Quiet.

I know this is just Doberman's dream,
but this year, Doberman is king.

This year, dreams come true.

True?

Rocco. Yo. As head of the coronation
committee, you will proceed at once to

home of Miss Joy Landers, who doesn't
know Doberman even exists, but you as

head of the coronation committee will
inform her.

By royal command, His Highness, King
Doberman I.

has commanded her to be queen of the
multiple Mardi Gras. Right, coronation

committee, come on. Here comes
Zuckerman. All right, quiet about this.

him know we know his secret. If he does,
he'll desert. Act nonchalant.

Your Majesty.

Oh, Sarge, forget about it. Forget about
it? Just when we have found a queen

that is panting to share your throne?

Queen? A girl?

No, a chipmunk.

What a girl.

You lucky dog. Why didn't you tell us?
Why have you kept us in the dark?

Tell you what? You know. You know
there's a girl in Roseville who's been

worshipping you from afar.

Me? Yes. Asking questions about you. Who
you are. Driving up to the camp trying

to get a sneak look at you. You lucky
dog. Come on. Be big, Your Highness.

Give her a break. We have decided she
shall be your queen.

Who is she? Joy Landers.

Joy? Grab her. Grab her. Your Highness.
Hail.

Miss Landers should be here any moment.
Thank you, Kevin.

Now with those Paris dresses you brought
back, the rest of us are going to look

like rags. Well, didn't we always
alongside of joy?

Now, girls, don't be jealous.

A whole month in Paris. I wonder what
it's like to get anything you want.

Boring, my dear Lisa, most boring. How
does it feel to be back home in Kansas?

Oh, please, I may be ill. Oh, joy.

Well, really.

Champs -Élysées, Moulin Rouge,
Montmartre.

Roseville, Kansas.

Why, we're the only country club west of
Wichita that has a fox hunt.

Oh, please, it's not you, mes ami.

I just love the country club, you know
that, after all Dad started it.

It's just that, well, we're a small
island in an ocean of yokels, that's

Miss Landers?

Yes, Kevin? There are some soldiers to
see you.

Soldiers? Mm -hmm.

Soldiers? Soldiers.

Oh, I know. It must be those Brazilian
cadets that I met on the boat.

Wait till you see them, Mamba. They're
absolute heaven. Why, they're the

Miss Joy Landers? I beg your pardon?
What's the matter? Did you do something?

Leave this room.

On behalf of the men of the Tide Platoon
Company B, you have hereby been

selected by King Rex, Dwayne Doberman,
as queen of our motor pool Mardi Gras.

Okay. Long live the queen!

She can't believe it. Really, Miss
Landers, it's true. You made it.

I made it.

I made it. My crowning achievement.

Queen of a motive. With this crown, I...
Oh, really, please. I can't possibly

make it. You can't?

Now, look, why don't you boys just help
yourself to a drink and then go on back

to camp? I'm sure there's some nice shop
girl in town who'd be very happy to be

here. But we selected you. It's going to
be real nice this year. You get to ride

in the Colonel's staff car. He put in
new seat covers.

New seat covers.

Queen of the motor pool.

But Miss Landers, Miss Landers, you
don't understand.

Don't see? I think she does.

Let's go.

me to be queen of the motor pool.

Oh, but Joy, they meant it as an honor.

Oh, of course it's an honor.

This may be my big chance to become Miss
Grease Pills.

Shame on you.

I don't understand you. You've got eight
campaign ribbons. You've got two battle

stars. When it comes to meet a girl, you
fall apart.

I mean, I'll put you some together.

Come on. We're going to try it once
more.

Now, Miss Joy Landers is here to meet
you. After all, you have appointed her

your queen, right?

And you as the king, it is your duty to
make her welcome. Now, go and greet her.

Go like a king with your head erect.
Royal.

Go.

Now, go on. This isn't going to hurt
you. You're a king.

Walk. Walk. Close. Come on. Come on.

Close. Atta boy, king.

Phil. If it isn't Dwayne Doverman.

Hello.

Oh, that poor girl. She's going to melt
when she meets... Ah, the guys are back.

Everything all set. The geranium's where
to pick her up. She's taking pictures.

What is this? What's with the droopy
faces? Oh, the crown didn't fit. We'll

it re -welded. It's very simple. She
turned us down.

Oh, you're kidding.

She turned you down?

Joy Landers turned down a chance to get
her pictures in the paper?

Maybe she didn't understand.

She understood, all right.

Well, what is this? What is this trauma
that's going on here? Maybe she had

another appointment. We'll get another
queen. No, no, that ain't it, Sarge.

She laughed at us.

She laughed at you? You'd have flipped,
Sarge. As we were walking out, we heard

her say, she didn't want to be queen at
a grease pit.

Get yourself a shop, girl.

She laughed at you? Sarge, we made a
mistake. We made a mistake?

She made a mistake.

Nobody laughs at my platoon.

Sarge, forget it.

Too bad, Norman.

Just when he learned to say hello.

There's something wrong here.

Something's all cock out here. Doberman
is the king. He selected her as his

queen. It's up to him to turn her down.

Ah, Sarge, Doberman turning down Joy
Landers? Yeah. She's going to know how

feels to be laughed at.

With Doberman turning down? Yes,
Doberman. She's going to pant for

When I get through with her, she's going
to want Doberman more than any woman

has ever wanted any other man.

Sarge, Doberman? This may be the
crowning achievement of my career.

Give me my hat. Where are you going,
Sarge? I'm on my way to have a short

with Miss Joy Landers.

I want to meet Miss Laughing Girl.

Same time, same place, same spaces.

There's a Sergeant Bilko to see you,
Miss Landers.

Bilko? He says it's very urgent. I'll
tell him I can't possibly see anyone.

Miss Landers, I hope I'm not too late.
Too late.

Did some members of my platoon come here
without any authority from me or any of

my knowledge to offer you to be the
queen of some ridiculous affair they're

running? Why, yes. Oh, servants, I am
too late. Miss Landers, turn them down.

What are you talking about? Oh.

Please, those poor souls, they didn't
know what they were doing. They made

Doberman king of the Mardi Gras without
his knowledge. You can't blame the poor

souls and their drab army lives when
this international figure comes in their

midst. Well, naturally, they wanted to
show off, not realizing that Doberman

went into the army for the sole purpose
of getting away from this relentless

pursuit of women.

Blame who? Oh, please, let the poor man
alone.

Leave him alone. Respect his desire just
to be an anonymous soldier and not...

Dwayne Doberman of Paris, the Riviera,
that unfortunate suicide attempt by our

beautiful countess, the chase across
four continents by Lola Regina.

Please, please leave him alone.

Dwayne, who? I plead with you, leave him
alone, just for that momentary flash of

international flame that this will give
you. Please, don't turn our sleepy,

wonderful little town into a bedlam of
newsreel cameras, newsreel men,

reporters, souvenir hunters. Dwayne,
who? Please.

Please, I beg you, as an old army
sergeant, please don't turn our army

a rendezvous of women of all nations
driving us mad with their activity.

please, that it's not too late, I beg
you. Turn it down.

Refuse to be Queen of the Mardi Gras. I
already did. You see, if you'll turn it

down, we can have... I beg your pardon?

I already refused the title of Queen of
the Mardi Gras.

Miss Landers, are you trying to tell me
that you actually turned down the

opportunity of having your name covered
with reigned over men? Well, yes, of

course, I didn't realize... Miss
Landers, I...

Forgive this outburst of emotion, Miss
Landers.

You see...

I had thought that old -fashioned
decency and courage was disappearing in

American woman.

Dwayne, who?

You're a big woman, Miss Landers. A big
woman to realize that consorting with

the international set, those endless
rounds of nightclub with Princess

the flights to all parts of the world in
Doberman's plane, those endless parties

of Elsa's, it's not the life for you.
This is where you belong. Quiet,

unassuming. Sergeant Philco, will you
pardon me? Fine, for sure.

Ronnie, please, I'm busy. No, don't mind
me. I was just going.

You are a brave girl, Miss Landis. Is
this your gentleman? Oh, he's fine.

Confident, very slow. Good.

Good type for you. We've had an exciting
evening. We're having a Chinese dinner.

Then we're going to that new roadhouse,
the Club Caribbean.

Oh, how sweet.

The Club Caribbean?

Lovely. You have chosen the right path,
my dear.

Joy. Bonnie, please, not now.

Am I interrupting?

No, no, I just sunk the first harpoon.
She'll be... Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Everything is fine, sir.

Well, Sergeant Bilko, I want to
apologize to you for my daughter's

conduct in front of your men.

She needs a good lesson. A lesson, sir?

Yes, you see, I had to bring her up
alone. She's spoiled.

Everything she's ever wanted, she's
gotten. Oh, really?

Well, there's something she wants right
now more than anything she's ever wanted

in her life.

But she ain't gonna get it. What?

Doberman.

Say, give me those cookies. Here.

Apparel, you get down to the Chinese
restaurant. Chung knows what this is all

about. Here are some Chinese fortune
cookies. He knows what to do with them.

promised him ten tickets to the Mardi
Gras if everything went off on schedule.

I'm a double. Here you are.

What is it, Chung?

Chinese fortune cookies. We didn't order
any.

It's on the house, Miss Landis.

Well, on the house. Isn't that nice?

Let's see what my fortune holds in store
for me. We love ours. It seems to be

empty. Tell us all.

There we are.

Let's see what it says.

It is better to have... What is it?

It is better to have loved Doberman and
lost than never to have had Doberman at

all.

You go down to the Chinese restaurant,
pick up Paparelli, get over to the Club

Caribbean. You know what to do. You're
guests.

But stay under the minimum.

All right, move.

And now the Club Caribbean presents for
the first time the authentic Calypso

songs. of the West Indian Boys. Here
they are.

Oh, Ronnie, you're pathetic.

Get them checked.

Wait and check.

In Trinidad, where we come from, we hear
of lovers one by one.

Ruby Rosa and Ali Khan, but the greatest
one is Doberman.

Doberman, Doberman, the greatest one is
Doberman.

Doberman, Doberman, the greatest one is
Doberman.

From Rome to Paris to Venezuela.

© BF

-WATCH

TV

2021

and simply magnificent.

Say, let's go down to the Paradise Bar
and Grill. I hear that Billco's men hang

out there. Yeah, I hear everyone's going
to be there.

Well, let's all go to the Paradise Bar
and Grill for a little nightcap, shall

we? Say, I have a good idea.

Why don't we go to the Paradise Bar and
Grill? I've never been there. Really,

Joy? They call it the Snake League.
That's where those soldiers from Fort

hang out. Really, you're liable to meet
anybody there. Anybody?

Let's go.

Joy?

Mildred, you've got to help us. You've
got to. It's for the platoon. Your

platoon. Hey, stop it. I've just got to
flash some rock on the walkie -talkie.

They're on their way here now. Good
deal. You know what to do, Scott.

Mildred, will you? Is it a deal?

I get four tickets to the Mardi Gras.
Right.

I get to be a lady in waiting. In the
golden circle.

I get to ride in the pageant.

Your purity.

What kind of a crack is that?

Now, look, don't forget your cue when I
say it's the quiet life in you come, all

right? Dillingham, I'm depending on you.
Act like nothing is happening, right?

Grab him! Grab him!

This is for the pride of the platoon.
Look, get him in the washroom. Keep him

there till that psychological moment
when he comes face to face with Joy

I'll die. I'll die. No, you won't.

You'll be magnificent.

Your Highness. Sarge. Sarge, they're
here.

Act not like soldiers having fun, you
know, when it's high, high.

Soldier that you're looking for.
Soldier, soldier, you fool, you just

know. Joy Landers running after a
soldier. Don't be stupid.

Well, Corporal Dillingham, wasn't it fun
drilling today?

I'd like to see... Sergeant Bilko. Yes,
Miss Landers, what are you doing in a

place like this? Sergeant Bilko, I have
to speak to you alone.

Alone? It's about him.

Him? Oh, you said you'd forget about
him. Sergeant Bilko, I've changed my

I want to be Queen of the Mardi Gras.
Oh, but you can't, you can't. Stay the

happy unknown you are, please.

This is better for you, the quiet life.

It's much better. The quiet life is
what... Where is she? Where is she?

It's the Countess.

Stay away from him. He's mine. He's
mine, I tell you. Stay away from

Who are you?

Please, Countess, you promised to stay
in Vienna.

I can offer him my title, my castle in
Monaco.

What can you give him? Just your youth
and beauty?

Youth and beauty. Oh, please, Countess.
She has as much right to him as you

have. More tickets to the Mardi Gras?
You are wonderful, wonderful.

Joy, what's going on?

You know Delberman.

you'll have any secrets. Well, Michael
Dillingham, I hear there's some new

rookies joined the camp. Won't that be
jolly fun? Sergeant Bilko!

All the rookies are... Miss Slanders,
good heavens, you're still here.

Sergeant Bilko, I must speak to you
alone. Wait for me in the bar, please.

I know what I'm doing!

Sergeant Bilko, I must meet you.

Please, you promised to forget him.

Sergeant Bilko, I must meet him. I plead
with you, don't fall into this trap.

After all, he did select me as his
queen.

But you can't. You can't. Well, don't
you think he ought to see me and make up

his own mind?

Oh, what am I going to do? Well, I'll
see if I can get him.

Corporal Henshaw. You. Will you find
Private Doberman and say, will he please

come in and meet somebody?

Certainly, Sergeant. Thank you, Corporal
Henshaw.

I want everybody here when they meet.

Sergeant, when she takes a look at him,
well, listen, Doberman ain't a Cary

Grant. She ain't going to see Doberman.
She's going to see a legend. A castle of

the air built by a master architect.

If I may say so myself.

Oh, are you going to help Corporal
Henshaw? Certainly will. That's

You fellows are slandered.

Where is he? Please, Miss Landers, I
don't even know if he'll come here. Oh,

Sergeant, he... Miss Landers, you're
trembling.

Sergeant.

Sergeant, please tell me.

What does he look like?

What does he look like?

What does Doberman look like?

How? How can I describe him to you?

Well, first... You must forget all your
middle -class conventional ideas of

beauty. You must forget the tall blonde
type which is rapidly losing favor with

the continental scent. Yes, yes.

Go on.

Let me see. Describe Doberman. To
describe him, we must take a leaf from

Orient. That's what we must do.

You must think deep in the Oriental
manner. They who have mastered the arts

love and beauty as only they can. Think
in your mind's eye.

Dark. Short.

With that pulse -quickening plumpness.

A Buddha.

Yes, yes, short and fat.

With his face glistening as if rubbed
with the mysterious oils of the East.

Swarthy.

Greasy, if you will.

But with that inscrutable air about him.

Doberman's coming. He's here. Oh, my
dear, have courage. Have courage,

Miss Landers, you must put yourself
here. Doberman is here.

Please, please hold on to yourself, Miss
Landers.

Private Doberman, I hate to impose upon
you, but this young lady insisted upon

meeting you. May I present?

Oh, you don't have to tell.

He's exactly as you described him.

He is magnificent.

I hated to impose upon you, Private
Doberman, but after all, this lady was

wear your crown, and I thought you
wouldn't mind meeting her. This is Miss

Landers. This is the happiest moment in
my life. Private Doberman, the lady has

spoken to you. Won't you say something
to her? Say something? Say it. Say it.

Yes, say it.

Get lost.

I warned you this would happen. I tried
to alert you.

Private Doberman, you must make me your
queen. You must. Joy, what is this? Who

is this man? Who is this man?

Tell him, Sergeant Bilker.

Gladly. Is everybody here?

This man is Private Doberman. Just
Private Doberman. No yachts, no women

after him. Just a nobody like the rest
of us. A nobody who doesn't enjoy people

laughing at him.

A nobody who now says, say it, Doberman,
get lost.

You thought that he... ...computant,

flinging herself at the feet of a
soldier and being rejected.

When the silly army went on a bomb...
Gee, Sarge, you was magnificent.

Yeah, I heard Tori Lutton has left town.

She did? Maybe I went too far, huh? Too
far? If you would have been there when

she laughed at us... But we had the last
laugh.

I must have.

Miss Landers, I think I should...
Sergeant Philco.

I guess you all realized by this time
that I was never worthy of the honor in

the first place.

You see, all my life I've been laughing
at people.

Well, now I suddenly know what it feels
like to be laughed at.

Miss Landers, maybe we should apologize
to you. You see, we were a little upset.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Whoever taught you to hang Japanese
lanterns like that? What is it, Miss

Landers? Now, really, Sergeant Bilko, I
may not know anything about humility,

but I do know how to run an affair, and
this is going to be the biggest Mardi

Gras Roseville has ever seen. Wait a
minute.

You, go get some flowers. That jeep
needs a lot more flowers. You know what?

Let's paint it pink.

Let's think of the Mardi Gras. After
all, we do need a queen, and... Your

Highness, do you accept this lady as
your queen?

Hello. He said it again.

Come on, we're the queen!

Joy Landers was played by Constance
Ford, Mr. Landers, Russell Hicks,

by Maurice Gosfield, Gander was played
by Tiger Andrews, and Palmer was played

by P .J. Sidney.

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