Original subtitles

Yeah! We're still ahead!

Some horse you picked for us, Carter. For the life of me, Sergeant Bilko, I

can't understand how he lost.

You know, lots of people go to the races. Win a little, lose a little.

Not us.

We brought our own expert.

Born and raised on a farm in Kentucky. Knows all about horses.

Joined the army.

Why? So he could pick a horse for us that came in absolutely last. Good boy.

Look at his breeding.

Polynesian out of Ding Dong. Well, he's of the same family as Native Dancer.

Native Dancer? Answered. That explains that slow mumbo he was doing.

I taught my platoon men to put enough for bankroll. And I'll sing.

Half of it is gone.

How am I going to face that platoon?

Hiya, boy.

Don't lean on him. He's liable to collapse.

Not him, Sarge. He's a real thoroughbred. He's got courage.

Yeah, well, let him face the platoon.

Excuse me, boys.

There he is, Mr. Brown.

It's only $100.

He looks too, uh...

Someone's working. He looks too delicate.

Oh, well, Mr. Brown, let's try and make a deal.

Oh, wait till I tell the guys.

They bet on a horse that ran second to a plow.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Wait a minute. He knows something.

This will be the first thing he knew today. What?

Sarge, look at that leg.

He's got oscillates.

Now, you see?

You were standing here. You didn't notice that.

You see?

You thought you bet on just... We got a horse with oscillates. See?

What's oscillates?

They're little... Lone Groves. He shouldn't have been in that race. He

practically wasn't. Come on, let's get out of here. No, wait a minute, Sarge.

I've got to tell his owner why I could have had that leg fixed up in no time

he'd be worth thousands. A state winner. You could fix that leg in no time?

Sure, I've done it hundreds of times down in Kentucky. Hey, mister!

and he'll be worth thousands?

Sure, a Polynesian horse in sound condition.

Oh, wait till the owner hears. Oh, here he comes. Say, mister. Someone want me?

Yes, sir. You're in for some good news.

I just found out... Good news for me? Yeah, I would kind of like to buy you a

horse. Hey, but sir!

Buy a horse? That's jerky. Let me have my own way once. Let me... If I got a

whim, whim me.

I think you said it was $100. I just happened to have that here.

Look, fellas, you guys are soldiers. I don't want to stick you. This horse is

good. Something's wrong with him. I know.

Look,

I don't mind spending $100. You see, I never had a pet.

I'm warning you. Okay.

Here's his papers.

You boys got yourself a horse. Good luck.

Gee, Sarge.

We got a horse? What are we going to do with him? Platoon's $100.

We can't take it. All right, all right. Carter.

When they bought that famous horse, Alsab, what did they pay for him? Seven

hundred and fifty dollars. How did he win? Over a half a million.

When Hurst Jacobs bought Stimey, what did he pay for him?

Fifteen hundred dollars. How did Stimey win? Over a million.

Any questions?

Where are we going to keep him? We got to keep him right close to Carter so we

can fix his leg.

We'll keep him on the post. On the post?

It's good enough for us. It's good enough for him.

Yeah, but Sarge, you know how the old man feels about animals. He'll flip.

Colonel Hall don't even let a goldfish on the post.

Wait a second. This is too big to goof off. I got it.

I got it.

We'll keep him in that old gun shed behind the motor pool. We'll sneak him

tonight, right after the light's off.

Everything okay?

Okay, Potter.

What took you so long? Bellboy fell in a rifle pit. I think I broke my... Who

cares about you? Hey, how's the horse, Carter? Fine, Sarge. Like a million

dollars. You stay with him all night?

A million dollars. Hey, Sarge, how much is a million dollars divided by four?

Four? You mean 22.

Why 22?

We bought him with the platoon's money, right?

22 men in the platoon?

Bellboy, you got 22 owners.

Da -da -dee -da -da.

Da -da -dee -da -da -da.

Good morning, millionaires.

Millionaires!

We're rich! We're rich! We're rich! We're rich! We're rich!

Men,

we're in on something so big,

it frightens even me.

Now, here's the lady.

Rocco, watch out for Brett.

I'm going to give it to you guys straight.

We have bought a racehorse.

This is top secret.

Now, here's the lowdown.

Here's the laydown.

This has got to be kept amongst us.

Oh, you're with us. All right.

Get this.

The next week, the horse, his name is Bellbite, the horse, he's got to live

the army like we've been doing. All right?

Gdowski, Mullen, I want you men to report to the groundskeeping officer.

Volunteer the mobile arms. Cut grass.

Cut grass?

The horse has got to eat, right?

Get that grass right over to the guns. All right.

Sidewise, guys. He's been with the horse all night. What do you want him to

smell like? Chanel number five?

Hey, you left the horse alone.

I had to search him. Harrigan, Zimmerman, here. Get to that gun shed.

that horse. I'm going to hear it.

How is he? What did you leave him alone for? I had to. He's hungry.

Don't worry. He'll have all the grass he can eat in a few minutes. Grass?

He's a thoroughbred. He needs oats and plenty of them. Oats, oats, oats.

Rocko. Oats.

Go to my office, look through every procurement manual, every requisition

understand? Read the small print. You can get anything you want in the army,

even O's. On a double. Hey, check!

Your arm.

Don't stir around. You're killing me.

Now, look.

How soon can you have that leg finished?

Well, I start on it right away, and I need rubbing alcohol, liniment, and

bandages. Oh, ma 'am. Hey, Lang. I want you to go right to the dispensary, get

all the things he asked for. Here's your order.

And we need blankets. Plenty of them.

Blankets. Don't burn.

Go to supply, get me, get me 40 blankets.

Here.

40 blankets?

Tell me you expect relatives. Tell them anything.

Now,

the rest of you men at all times, I want you to be at that gun shed.

Gun shed, Sergeant?

Yes, sir. But you see, we have to polish that cannon, sir. Polish the cannon?

You'll never know when that cannon will be shown. I got it! I got it! You got

what? Just the requisition form, Sergeant Bilko. You got to sign it.

Would you rush this through channels? Thank you, sir. A 46B special.

Sergeant Bilko, I'm very proud of you.

What'd I sign? What'd I sign?

Just like I said, a requisition for oats. As much as we want. I ordered 40

bushels. Hey, wonderful.

Morning, Anderson.

Well, we're in for it. A general inspection by General Enos J.

Strait, no less.

Go spit and polish himself at a time like this. Have you noticed the

of those parade?

on a parade ground.

Say, that's soldier.

They're not only cutting the grass, they're picking up every single blade.

Whose outfit?

Bilko, sir.

Bilko? Yes, sir. They volunteered.

Bilko's outfit volunteered for something?

You're right.

Now, all we need to do is get that regimental gun in condition. Oh, that's

polished, sir. It's being polished? Yes, sir.

Wonderful.

Who thought of that? Bilko, sir.

Bilko? Yes, sir. And take a look at this, sir. A 46B special volunteer

operation. Bilko's platoon?

Oh, yes, sir. I'm going to wire this to the Army Experimental Station in Tulsa.

They've been waiting years for a chance like this.

Sir, you must be very proud of Sergeant Bilko.

Yes, yes.

What is he up to?

was asked. You want an oats?

Oats. They're prime Kentucky number one, Sarge. The best. Ernie Boy, who found

that requisition form?

Rocco, you may get the good conduct medal for this.

I want these oats down to the gun shed. Fan shed?

Doberman, Zimmerman, Paragon, Paparelli. That is Sergeant Philco, Major Brumby

of the Medical Corps. Good luck. Sergeant Philco, give me your hand.

I can't tell you how we at the experimental lab felt when you

our personnel survival test.

Volunteered? Sergeant, we've had volunteers where they lived on nothing

soybeans, barley, wheat. But you're the first to volunteer to live on nothing

but oats.

Live on oats?

Sir, I'm afraid there's been some mistake. Mistake?

Sergeant, didn't you sign this volunteer requisition? Yes, but I didn't

realize... I understand.

Changed your mind.

I knew it was too good to be true.

All right, Sergeant, let's get these oats back in the truck. Hey, Sarge!

Will you wait a minute? Just a second, Major.

It'll only take a second. I want to talk to my men.

Hey, we need these oats for Bellboy. Think of the Belmont steaks. The Santa

a handicap.

Major, how many men do you need for this test? Just four.

I need... Well, now we only need three.

Henshaw, line up the rest of those men. Oh, Sergeant, just go four volunteers.

This is the greatest. I'll have your mess sergeant start them on the very

wheel. I need...

Please? All right, this time, but watch yourself.

Wait till the Pentagon hears about this.

We're proud of you, men.

Men?

Right in here, I get it every time I look at you. Proud to serve with you

fellas. Good fellows, good companions.

Men, I need four volunteers.

Freeze!

Freeze, you warriors.

I didn't hurt you.

All right, you want to cop out, huh?

Well, I was just testing you. It's a soft detail. Now you can't do it. All

right, any one of you men that hasn't had a month's pass in the last six

weeks, raise your hands.

The rest of you, dismissed.

You lucky dog.

Detail, Sarge. It's a cinch. All you do is sit around. No special duty. When

it's over, you get a month's pass on full combat pay.

All you got to do is sit around and eat oats. Here, sign this here.

Sign it right there.

Excuse me, Sarge. I didn't catch that. You sit around and do what? Nothing.

You sit right here. You don't even have to go to mess. They bring it to you in

here. Sign it. Bring what?

Huh? They bring what?

Notes. Just sign it right in here and then we know what we're doing. Sign it,

Ben. Wait a minute, Sarge. Wait, wait, wait.

What did he say? I'm not sure.

But it sounded like he wants us to eat oats. Eat oats!

You see that?

Now you see?

You're having fun already.

Just sign here. That proves that you volunteer to do it. Do what?

Do what? What's your always about to do what? Do what?

Eat oats. Sign it. He said it again.

Just sign the paper so you have the volunteers written.

Go ahead. Now sign it. Sign it right there. Wait, wait, wait.

It's very simple. You want us to eat...

Oats? Oats, schmaltz, steaks, chops. What difference does it make? Sarge,

Sarge. Because there comes a time when you're waiting for your ship to come in.

Sarge, Sarge, Oats. There goes over the rainbow. What looks cloudy someday is a

sea. Sarge, did you say you want us to eat oats?

You're a nut.

Human beings don't eat oats. Who eats oats?

There comes a time in every soldier's life he's got to do something beyond the

call of duty.

Now, did you men ever think?

What your share of a million dollars is going to be, whatever that is.

Well, well.

Perfect. The leg is perfect.

Oh,

you beautiful beast. Oh,

excuse this display of emotion.

It's my first million, you know.

Hey, Sarge, we got a problem. Yeah, I know. With the income tax on a million,

figure a capital gain is the way we'll run it. No, Sarge, I gotta start

bellboy, right away.

Running? Your brother will be here with the van from Kentucky.

It'll be too late then. I have to run him now or his leg will stiffen up

Run him on the post?

Potter, is this a must?

Okay, he runs.

On the post? Now, quiet. Listen.

Four o 'clock for Dodd, dude. You see that only the men from our platoon

volunteer, right? Right, sir. I've gone too far. I'm too close to the door to

give up now.

Paul Revere, tonight you're right.

Goodbye. A what?

Nothing. Nothing. Something I imagined.

Good night.

Let's try it, Palmer.

Good. Good. Good. Good.

Swell.

Ah, bellboy. You've been mechanized. Palmer, you're a genius.

All right, boys. You got it right.

Tonight. Tonight we may see a new world's record.

Post time, four o 'clock.

Synchronized watches.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

That inspection is over. You are going to take a nice long furlough.

I'll be all right, dear.

Good night.

Well, Carter, what's your excuse?

Is that the best he can do? A minute and 45 seconds for six furlong? A brother

of native dancers? Why, these men, they've been eating oats for only four

They can do better than that. Now, what do you got to say?

But, Sarge, I told you. He's a racehorse, a thoroughbred. They need

or they won't run.

He has to be paced. You want me to bring another horse on a post?

What are you trying to turn this into, a cavalry outfit?

Hey, Arnie, maybe we could use a jeep. Oh, but out.

Hey, a jeep. It's not a bad idea. I'm glad I thought of it. Kodowski. You who?

I want a jeep in front of the gun shed, post time, four o 'clock. Hey, Arnie.

All right, mess.

You know what's been bothering me, fellas?

I'm at Hialeah Race. It's only $50 ,000.

You're lucky, dogs.

Breakfast in bed.

packing. After this inspection, I'm taking a furlough.

Be my guest.

Carter, if you're smart, you'll get yourself transferred overseas.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Rocco. No, my mind is made up. But, Iney, we already spent

200 grand for that breeding farm in Kentucky. What do we need another one in

Maryland for? For the yearlings. Sergeant, don't come. Please, kid.

Not only do we have a breeding farm, it keeps us near our main offices in New

York. Sergeant, please.

Now, will you please? Then we've got to get the acreage to raise our own oats in

Canada, right? Sergeant, this is important.

This is important. I've got to figure out whether I want our Carol or Atkinson

to ride Bellboy in the Arlington Handicap. I've got to figure out what to

with the acreage in Canada. Sergeant, Bellboy will never be able to run.

Sell the acreage farm. Get rid of the breeding farm.

Never be able to what?

Sergeant, Bellboy has an incurable bone tendon. Look, talk English. What are you

saying?

Sergeant, Bellboy will never be able to race.

You're a little upset, Cardinal. Take it easy. There's two ways of saying never.

You know, never and never.

Which one is it?

Never.

There goes the dream.

100 ,000 purses breeding for... You got me into this, Cardinal. You know what I

ought to do to you?

I know, don't you? Get this horse out of here.

Not this way. Clean this up. Get the odor out of here. Get the smell.

Act nonchalant.

Switch it around.

Get out of here.

There he is.

Hello, Bilko. I just got word the general is on his way. His usual

attack. I'm checking everything.

Thank heaven you've got this gun polished. Let's take a look at it.

Bilko!

What's the meaning of this? You've had crews working on this gun.

What's that smell in here?

Sir, sir.

General Strait has just arrived on the post. He's here? Yes, sir. Oh, no.

I'd better change my uniform.

Escort him to the guesthouse for visiting personnel.

The guesthouse, sir? Yes, the guesthouse.

Vilko, get this mess cleaned up.

Vilko!

Get busy on that cannon. You heard the colonel. Let's be proud of our work in

here. Get that joint palace. Show the colonel we've got an interest in this

thing. Get it in there. Some are at ease.

Holy smoke, boy. This military life is too much for me. You.

The minute your brother gets here with that boy and get that horse, off the

post. Right.

Did you hide the horse? Oh, he's safe. We got him in a place nobody's been near

for six months.

Where? In the guest cottage.

The guest cottage?

Ernie, what's the matter? That's why they brought the general. We got to get

horse out of there.

Fellas, please.

Platoon, hold.

I'll take that. Yes, General.

Where's Colonel Hull? I'll get him, sir.

General Strain?

Sergeant Vilko, sir. I do hope you enjoy your stay at Fort Baxter. Thank you.

Sir?

Is there anything you can do to make you more comfortable, sir? No, thank you.

Sir?

Would you like one of my men to help you with your bag, sir? I'll do it myself.

Sir?

Now what?

Would it be advisable for one of my men to check in there to see if... Sergeant,

that's my job.

To see that everything on this post is militarily correct.

And if it isn't...

You will be among those who will be told, I assure you.

Well, that does it.

What do you figure we get?

I don't know. General on inspection.

Finds a horse in his bedroom.

Or the way I figure.

He restricts the whole post to quarters for a month or so. I get broken down to

private. No, no, you've got a good record. They break you to corporal.

Corporal? The colonel will be a corporal.

Attention!

Vilco. Yes, yes, corporal. Uh, colonel.

Is General Strait still inside?

Yes, sir.

Is he alone?

Well, it's the way you look at it, Colonel.

Lucy, Tom, I'm going in. Edison.

Here goes.

Colonel Strait.

Colonel Hall.

Welcome to Fort Baxter, General. I hope you enjoy your... General.

Is there something wrong?

responsible for that horse in there?

General, I'm responsible for everything on this post.

Jack!

I've spent my military life living by the book. He called me Jack.

But when an old comrade goes to all this trouble just to remind me of those

wonderful old days we spent together in the cavalry...

I guess I'm just a sentimental old fool after all.

The minute I hit this post, I recognized that certain... air.

Of those days gone by before mechanization.

Jack, this is going to be a happy inspection.

Let's go.

He called me Jack.

Paul Lipson as Lonesome Sam, Bob Shawley as Feldman, George McIver as the

Marching Rookie, and Tony Galanto as Little Pete.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.