Original subtitles

on purpose.

Phoebe, I'll put in some more Epsom salts. What are you trying to do, pickle

them?

Oh, walk, walk.

Walk, walk. Walk from the motor pool. Walk to the mess hall. Walk!

When I was a civilian, I used to see the newsreels. Every time I saw a soldier,

he was in a jeep. In every newsreel, soldiers were in jeeps.

I joined the army.

That's where I made my mistake.

I should have joined the newsreel.

din is here.

Fine here, please.

Either a slow rain or sleet will stop these couriers from delivering their red

tape.

All right, Snoopy. All right. What am I doing reading this? I'm off duty.

Read it.

Hey, it's from Colonel Hall.

Well, read it loud. It may be good for some laughs.

Wanted a master sergeant to volunteer.

Volunteer? I told you never to use that word in these barracks.

What does it say?

Oh, it's some new security regulations from Washington.

The colonel wants a master sergeant to volunteer to check the doors of the

armory once a day.

He wants a sergeant to volunteer?

Colonel must be drinking.

All right, all right, what else? The usual army double talk, suborder A5,

regulation PTP, whatever that means. Whatever that... Whatever that means?

If you know how long I've been waiting to hear those words.

Get me my shoes. I'm going to volunteer.

Volunteer? Are you nuts?

Sarge, what's this PTP?

If I told you guys once, I told you a thousand times.

Learn the army abbreviations. They're the key to gracious living.

PTP means personal transportation provided.

Gentlemen, we have got us a jeep. A jeep.

Yeah, but what if the other master sergeant volunteers?

Not a chance for two reasons. One.

Those meatballs are too dumb to know that PTP means cheap. Two, I am about to

lay a smoke screen with charm to see that they don't even suspect that PTP

cheap.

Ah, Miss Sergeant Sawicki.

Mm -hmm. What do you want?

Nothing, just passing by your kitchen. It smelled so good, I just had to drop

in. What smelled so good? Just boiling out the pots.

You see that? In the hands of an artist, even that smells good. You know, pal, I

was telling the guys only yesterday.

We're lucky to have a messager like you on this post.

Crazy about my cooking. The best.

Then how come last month you're running all over the post trying to organize a

hunger strike?

You won't give up on it. Why don't you let bygones be bygones? Don't you see

trying to be friendly, pal?

Every time you want to be friendly with me, it either costs me money or a

night's sleep or a girl.

What is it this time?

Well... I just have to give up. I tried, I tried. I guess I'll just have to

forget that idea of mine. What idea?

Mess Appreciation Day.

Mess Appreciation Day? What's that?

Just an idea I had. I figured one day we set aside, you guys in the kitchen, you

sit on chairs, you don't move, you don't boil a pot. We serve you. Mess

Appreciation Day.

Gee, we get very little appreciation.

None. On Arbor Day, they even honor a shrub. Why not you, Stanley boy?

Mess appreciation day.

See, honey, what I can't figure out is why you... Figure, figure. Why are you

always looking a good thought in the mouth? Figure, figure.

Doesn't it figure that once I'd like to do something nice for my fellow

soldiers, this is the new bilko pad I've changed. For instance, if you see that

new detail, I volunteered for it. PTP.

PTP, what's that? I looked it up. It means you've got to wear puttees, trench

knife, paratroop... Oh, yeah, I know. Look, if you want the detail, I'll give

up. No, no, no.

I just can't get over the change in you, Bill. Look, a man changes. A man gets

tired of being the heel.

Hey,

do you mind if I take this pot of coffee over to Pendleton? He's beat. He's been

outfitting rookies all day. Sure, sure. But that misappreciation day, Andy. What

misappreciation? You know... Oh, yeah, misappreciation.

When is it?

When is what?

That misappreciation. A misappreciation.

Well, it's got to pass through the Pendleton, pal. I'm working on it. It's

mind all the time, pal.

I can't get over it. You serving me coffee?

Why not? I was on my way over here to tell you about the new phone you always

wanted. Phone? What phone?

What phone? I know these little things. I talked Rover into it. I know you've

always wanted an extension phone.

An extension phone? For years I've been trying.

Ernie, I sure had you pegged wrong.

Andrew, I had myself pegged wrong.

Hey!

Isn't this one of those jackets that Grover has always wanted? Oh, yeah, but

that's an officer's jacket. He's a sergeant. Yeah, but you know how he

about his looks.

Yeah, but Ernie, it's against regulations.

Regulations? Isn't Grover cutting a few corners to get that phone in for you,

pal? Oh, gosh, Ernie.

You're making me realize what a heel I am.

Take it to him.

Okay, buddy. Oh, incidentally, I don't know if you noticed that new detail

today. PTP. I volunteered for it. PTP? You know what I mean.

Patrol triangle of parade grounds.

Oh, that's right. Look, you want the detail? I'll bow off. No, no, no. I

give it a thought.

Andy, it's good to see you. Enjoy your coffee.

Oh, Ernie, wait a minute. I know why you're volunteering.

Why? You think you have to prove this? This shows you're a nice guy?

You don't have to prove anything, Ernie.

Yes, I do, Andy.

Gotta prove it to myself.

In here.

You got nothing better to do than stand around looking all day?

Sharp,

sharp. Bernie, I'm ashamed.

When you called me in, I didn't know what was going to happen. But this jet,

sure must have worked on that Pendleton. For months.

Look, I told him, here we got Grover, the best looking guy in the post.

We got to dress him accordingly.

Cut it out, Ernie. Look, pal, you don't put a prize rose in a dirty glass.

Beautiful how I envy you.

Come on, Ernie, looks ain't everything.

Hey, you know, I volunteered for that PTP detail today.

I shouldn't be getting a little bit PTP.

Hey, you know what it means.

You gotta have a pistol, tent, and pack sack.

Oh, I know, murder.

It's a murderous detail, but I figured the colonel would stick one of you guys

with it, so I volunteered.

Well, thanks for the jacket.

Hey, hey.

Why don't you surprise Pendleton? Why don't you put in that phone for him?

But, Ernie, regulations.

Regulations? A handsome sergeant in an officer's jacket talking about

regulations? Okay, I'll have a couple of boys put it in tonight. Okay, Pappy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Do that again. Do that.

And the way they rave about Gregory Peck, I don't understand.

Oh, cut it out. So long, handsome.

So long. Don't knock the girls over.

Oh, wee -wee -wow.

Here we go.

Well, that takes care of the last block.

Special bulletin. Good news. Yeah, no kidding.

All right. You know there's no tipping in the army. Here it is,

men. From Colonel J .T. Hall.

My request for a volunteer for special detail suborder A5 has resulted in the

following volunteering for the detail.

Master Sergeant E. Bilko and Master Sergeant L. Hogan.

Well, we picked the jeep out of the motor pool. I want a big... Who said

Who said Sergeant Hogan? You did. I said Hogan.

Sergeant L. Hogan. There's no Sergeant Hogan on the post. There is now on the

post, on the list. He's got one leg in our jeep. From out of nowhere.

Hey,

relax. Emergency.

Dilko takes care of it. Just start thinking of a name for the jeep.

Hey, Olsen.

Snoopy. Get in here for a message. On the double.

Now, don't just stand around.

Think of a name. for the chief. But what about this Hogan?

If you ever know where to goof off on an emergency, just don't worry about it,

pal.

And tonight at eight, welcome to party four, Sergeant... What party?

These. Terrace room will host any doco.

I need... I need... Not here.

Here, pal. You gotta think with your heart.

What makes this Joker volunteer?

What? Lonely. He wants to meet people. Tonight he meets me.

Tomorrow he withdraws his name.

Come in.

Hey, Olsen, be a good boy. Deliver this to Sergeant Al Hogan.

Top secret. I'm the double assistant.

Now,

look, we've got to start thinking of the party. We've got to get a little gifts

for him, make him feel at home. I've got to get him a date. I'll tell you later.

I'll work... Matter

Harry.

When you're through reading that note, I want you to see that Sawicki,

Pendleton, and Grover are invited...

You got all the gifts?

Yeah. Suppose he's already got a Marilyn Monroe calendar.

So what?

He can always trade it in for a neighbor gardener t -shirt. Doesn't matter.

Now, look.

You got that free pass to the steam baths? Right here, Sergeant. How about

fellas? A party and for a guy he don't even know. Ernie, you're all hard. Come

on, Pendleton. Don't be so emotional.

My name's all set. Good. Rocco, did you get in touch with Mildred? Yeah, I

finally located her. That's the date I'm getting for Hogan.

You located her? Yep. Did you call Heidingen's pool room like I told you?

Somebody there knew where to reach her? What somebody? She answered the phone.

That's Mildred.

Is that the Mildred that... Yeah, yeah. The barracuda. All right, all right, all

right.

She's a nice girl just because she works in a father's fish store.

You told her this was a formal party dress. No rubber boots. You told her. I

told her Hogan.

Hogan was the millionaire's son and he looked like Tony Curtis.

You getting Hogan a date?

I want to make him feel like a big man. Hey, how about this guy, Hogan? He's

supposed to be the guest of honor.

He'll be here when he gets here. Make him feel right at home. Gentlemen.

Yeah? Are you expecting Sergeant Hogan?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's here. He's here. Climb up, quick. This way, Sergeant.

He's a jolly good fellow.

Boy, he's a jolly good fellow.

Boy, he's a jolly good fellow.

I'm Sergeant Bilgo. Are you Sergeant Hogan?

Oh, well, this is Sergeant Swicky. How do you do? Sergeant Grover, look out for

a music killer. There's Sergeant Pendleton. How do you do? Corporal

do you do? Corporal Barbello. How do you do?

You know, I can't help but get the feeling you weren't expecting me. You

expecting me.

We weren't expecting anybody as charming as you. Won't you sit down?

Oh, for me?

See you in the steam room. What is that? What is that?

What's the matter with you? Didn't I tell you to get those nylons? Oh, now,

didn't you expect a man? Now, pass off.

Now, you're in for a lot of surprises. Sit down, Sergeant.

Hiya, boys.

It's Mildred. Oh, madam. Well, where's my date? Now, there seems to be the

ladies' club meeting in the terrace room.

Now, you see, when I... What are you talking about? I was invited to this

Madam, some other... We've been talking about you. Where's my date to look like

a tall, handsome sergeant like Tony Curtis? Tall, handsome sergeant? Well,

fits Grover. Grover.

You know... Come on, honey. Get your hands off of me, tomato face.

Tomato face? Who do you call a tomato face?

She called me tomato face.

I'm going to date with a sergeant. She has a date. She called me tomato face.

You are a tomato face.

Excuse me, Mildred. I can explain this whole... Don't give me any of that fancy

Bilko double talk. I want to know just one thing. Where's my date?

Where's... Hogan. Sergeant Hogan.

What's the matter, you guys? U .S .O. laying down the dog?

You gotta figure out your own jokes in entertainment?

Big joke, huh? Wait, wait, now, Mildred, I'm not... Is there anything I can do?

There is!

Let's have the party. Here we are.

No, no, no, no.

Please. Please.

Please. I know I'm... But I do catch on. You're expecting a man. I'll just run

along. I don't want to... Now, wait. Now, wait a second, Sergeant. There may

have been a little misunderstanding, but the important thing is we wanted to

meet Sergeant Holgren. We want you to meet us. Oh, that's better. Well,

Sergeant... Sergeant Belker, I've been wanting to meet you for years.

You know, ever since I went to Camp Collins... Camp Collins, my old prep

dad insisted that I attend there.

No, they still tell stories about the things you did there.

Lies, all exaggerations. But the main thing is I want you to know me, to learn

to trust me if you ever need a friend for some advice or anything.

Oh, advice.

Yes. Oh.

I'm glad you brought that up. Now, look, you started off on the wrong foot

today. You volunteered for that new detail.

Oh, that's a bad deal. Oh, you really pulled a boo -boo there. Looks like a

cinch, doesn't it? Oh, sure. Just inspect the armory doors once. Oh, no,

hidden trap there, kid. You've got to bring in ammunition, clean out the guns,

and rearrange the chairs.

See, I didn't know that. I just read that the order said PTP.

PTP. Oh, I can tell you what that means.

Well, I know what it means.

A jeep.

What's she saying? What is she saying? A jeep. A jeep? What's she talking about?

A jeep?

She called me a tomato.

Did you hear my...

Never mind about him.

She said Jeep. What are you talking about, Jeeps? Here's a poor man with a

bleeding heart from a callous remark.

Never mind about the callous remark. She said Jeep. This is my button. I don't

like my button.

Shut up! The new Bilko with the same old double -crossing ways. Let's get out of

here. Wait a minute, wait a minute. The panel. We've got to play a little poker.

Come on. Poker with you? Why, we look like a suicide squad.

Look, so we... Mess appreciation day.

Grover, look, I can... She called me tomato face. She said, I'm not a thing

call me tomato face. All the time.

You're a pretty cute little operator, huh?

You had me fooled for a minute.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You all don't know what I'm talking about. Oh, yes, you had me camouflaged

those baby blue eyes.

But I'm hip to you now. You're pretty sharp. You know all the abbreviations,

don't you? You're a pretty wise little cookie. Sergeant, if I did anything to

make you mad, well, I'd just die.

Honey, you don't have to die. You tangle with me, you're going to get

annihilated.

Where are those daily reports?

Oh, excuse me, Colonel. I'll take that.

Here, is that it?

What's going on?

Bilko is struck again.

I'll put a stop to this.

Sergeant Hogan? Oh, yes, sir.

Please, withdraw your name from that volunteer detail.

We'll never get anything done.

Oh, Colonel, honestly, I have this fear of no time at all. It's much more than

that. This is just the beginning. You don't know Bilko. He'll find regulations

that the Pentagon doesn't know about. Oh, I can't imagine anything like that.

Colonel, sir.

Sergeant Hogan?

Will you put this lost article, Tracer 2X5, as quickly as possible? Tracer X5?

Where did you dig that one up? Well, sir, that's one of the little old

regulations. I think it was put in the books during the Spanish -American War.

The Spanish -American War.

I don't know if I remember the ruling correctly. I think it says that if an

enlisted man ever loses an article and he's charged with it, he can demand a

record of his entire equipment during his Army career checked.

His whole career?

Yes, let me see now. In 1939, I lost a barracks bag. It had a little hole on

side. Oh, it would take a year to check a thing like that. A year? Well, that's

silly. If Sergeant Hogan devotes all her time to it, as she must do according to

regulation, and has no extra duties to distract her, why, she could have it

cleared up in six months. Six months? Yes, and then she'll have time to take

care of Corporal Barbella's tracer claim.

Yeah, I lost a fatigue cap in Guadalcanal, size six.

I think I can handle this.

Now, Sergeant Bilko, I'll be very happy to start tracing that barracks bag as

soon as you've given me your inventory.

All righty.

Inventory? What inventory?

Surely you know that I can't start checking a tracer claim until I've

classified inventory of every article that you've ever been issued since you

came into the Army.

Well, he's been in the Army 15 years. Well, I can't help it. It was a

put on the books during the Civil War, and it says never... Never mind.

Well, what about your barracks bag?

I just found it.

Well, Sergeant, in all fairness, I'd better leave you with this parting

As they say at Madison Square Garden... Protect yourself at all times.

What are you fussing about?

Truce? Friends?

Sergeant Vilco, I'd just die if you didn't consider me one of your most

and devoted... Good girl.

Look, we got this whole camp in a tizzy, jockeying for position to get that

Jeep. Everybody's all... So what do you say we get it over with real quick?

Anything you say, Sarge. Why don't we just flip a coin, or maybe better, why

don't we just cut cards for it? Cut cards?

What's that?

Well, it's very simple. You cut cards, the high man wins, and the low man,

he withdraws her name.

Or his name.

Now, to cut cards, a half a deck of cards would... Right here.

Jock?

Shuffle them.

Never mind.

Hey, I recognize that shuffle from someplace.

Well, of course.

It's called the Bilko Shuffle. My first sergeant at Camp Collins taught it to

me, Emily Gribble.

Emily Gribble? You know her? She used to go out with me. I know. That's where

she learned about cards.

Emily Gribble. She still in the army? Oh, no, no. She's a dealer in Las Vegas.

to me. I spent my whole career creating a group of Frankenstein.

Listen, friends.

Friends. Let's forget all this bickering. After all, there are other

talk about.

As a friend, will you meet me at the Roseville Roots at 8 o 'clock for a

dancing?

I'd love to.

Well, I hear there's going to be a full moon tonight.

A full moon?

Show her no mercy.

Hey, you know, she's a pretty smart cookie.

How can you be so sure?

How can you be so not... What, have you been living under a carpet?

Fender, it's the Vilco Blitz. Look at the record.

37 consecutive knockouts.

Always the same technique.

Look, I'll show you. I'm Vilco. You're the target for tonight.

May I have this dance?

Hey, dance.

He dances around into the terrace.

Steps into the moonlight.

Shines on his good side.

He sighs.

She grabs for the bait.

Sergeant Bilko, you're sad.

Sad? A sergeant's life is a lonely one.

Here, here, here. If you're going to do it, do it right. A bleak and lonely one.

Sorry. A sergeant's life is a bleak and lonely one.

Six stripes.

Prism bars around my heart.

Do it right. Hold up your arm so she can grab your hand and put it to the gym.

Oh, yeah. Then she takes his hand.

Puts it to her cheek.

A tear falls.

You poor man.

You're too nice a guy to be lonely.

You're sad.

Sad?

A sergeant's life is a bleak and lonely one.

Six stripes.

Each stripe a prison bar around my heart.

What happened?

Honey. What's the matter? You're crying. What's wrong?

Prison bars around your heart?

What do you think a woman soldier goes through?

It's romantic for a man in uniform, but a woman in uniform?

That wall between her and every soft and tender feeling she's got?

Gee, I never thought of that.

again? Come on, honey, I'll walk you back to the post.

Why walk?

I'll drive you there in my Jeep.

Jeep? Bernie!

Coming, dear, coming.

Sergeant Hogan was played by Elizabeth Fraser.