All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e02 Empty Store

When it only costs 17 bucks, I only wore
it once.

What am I going to do with a tuxedo?

Has anybody seen Sergeant Bilko? I got a
buck I want to put in this basketball

pool. Hey, look who's looking for Bilko.

Save your money, Riley. What if you win?
He can't pay off. He's broke.

Bilko broke?

That's right. Didn't you hear?

Bilko's three poker pitches to Wickey,
Pendleton, and Grover finally did it.

Took him for his bankroll.

250 bucks.

Well, what if he gets him in the game
the next time? There ain't going to be a

next time. They're freezing him out.

They suddenly get a new rule. You've got
to show a bankroll.

But I make this shot. But you don't. He
doesn't. He doesn't. He doesn't. Hey, if

they don't let Bill go play, how's he
going to get his bankroll?

Gee, I wish you'd tell us. Maybe we can
get a little bit of sleep around here.

This is the first money anyone's had to
knife the flesh all week.

Hello, fellows.

Boys, maybe it's my imagination, but I
get the feeling you guys have been

avoiding me lately.

Somehow or other, the little give -and
-take spirit is gone.

Now, men, I can understand you're not
getting into my football pool or to my

-making contest, but when not one ticket
is sold at tomorrow night's dance...

Silence,

Corporal Marbella.

Drift and frugality is a virtue I'd like
to see in my fellow soldiers.

But, men, tomorrow night's dance is
above that. It's something close to our

hearts. You've all seen the calendar.

We're honoring the birthday of the 21st
President of the United States, Chester

A. Arthur.

Now, men, make me proud of you.
Corporals, give these patriotic

chance to buy tickets.

Because I know that when the chips are
down, these will stop the sale.

Men, I find it hard to believe that $3 a
ticket is going to stand in your way of

paying tribute to a man who gave us the
tariff law of 1883.

He was responsible for the canal treaty
with Nicaragua.

Yo, fellas, the big poker game's over.

What's the news, McGee? What does this
look like, recruiting posters?

They all won. Pendleton and Grover, too.

Well, look.

From out of nowhere, some strange yard
boy had walked in on us. He had a

bankroll. Insisted on playing.

What a sucker.

It was like shooting a sitting duck.

And speaking of ducks, here is a dead
one.

Oh, Miss Sergeant Zwicky, the Army's
answer to Betty Crocker.

You know, we missed you, Bilko.

It was strange sitting down to a poker
game and watching the cards being dealt

from the top for a change. You know the
rules.

You have to show a bankroll to get into
the game. We've got to keep out the

riffraff. Riffraff.

See, that was good the way he came out
with that.

Riffraff. Funny.

Funny, you poor slums.

Anytime I want.

You know what I can do?

You're shooting blanks, Bilko.

We got your dough, and you ain't gonna
con us out of it. You ain't gonna talk

out of it. In other words, all together,
boys.

Get in there!

Back!

Oh, this is gay. Jolly G .I. is at play.

On the post.

You poor soul. So, you decided to freeze
me out, huh?

Good boy.

up to see that I stay frozen.

Good boy.

Well, that's the way it'll be from now
on. It's jungle warfare.

Remember one thing, like the man says at
Madison Square Garden, protect yourself

at all times.

Too for flinching.

That's a pity, ain't it?

And this is the big brain, the smartest
guy in the post. The handwriting was on

the wall when the old man took his motor
pool platoon away from him. And now

he's got a basic training squad.

Basic training.

You know, boys, Bilko practically ain't
in the army anymore.

happy what I saw out there today.

Happy. Happy that you were too young for
the last war or we'd be still fighting

it.

And Higgins, get this man a ball. Stop
moving around.

All right.

Go to mess for chow.

These kids will drive me out of my mind.

Chow. Chow.

Lunch. Lunch.

I wind up with ding -dong school.

I don't know what's the matter with him.
He's got the blues or something. Maybe

it's the responsibility he's got.

Responsibility? Sure.

What do you mean, responsibility?

Higgins is holding the money for all the
kids in the squad over 200 bucks.

Go on.

Well, I know you don't like to take
money from rookies, but maybe you could

sort of hold it for a while, then
pretend it's our bankroll so you can get

into the game and... No, huh? No.

Just ask. Just answer.

and that money for the kids when they go
on their first furlough and nobody's

going to touch it.

Why don't you get these records for me
so I can understand. Come in.

We got this thing all lost. Excuse me,
Sergeant Bilko. Could I speak to you a

minute alone?

Might as well in front of them. They're
going to find out later anyway. What is

it?

Well, sir, you know that money I was
holding for the squad?

Was holding?

Over $200.

Go on. Go ahead.

What? Well...

Last night, I was passing by Sergeant
Zwicky's kitchen. Oh, no.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Well, I heard there was a poker game

going on in there.

You didn't.

Say it, you didn't. You didn't.

He did.

This is the sucker Zwicky was crowing
about.

Why, those miserable meatballs. They
took the kids for their entire bank. Oh,

no, no, no, sir. It was my fault.

You see, I was considered quite a poker
player in college.

In college?

You forced your way into a game with
regular army sergeants?

Kid, you tell that to the psychiatrist
and you can get out of the army.

Oh, my gosh, I lost all the squad's
money.

How do you like them? All right, don't
you worry about it. I'll have you that

money back in a week. You're going to
have the money back? Yeah, now go to

go on. How can you get the money back
from me?

Disadvantage of a rookie. Oh, no, no,
no.

This time they've gone too far. This
time I'm really going to give it to

Give it to them? They already got it.

250 of our dough, 220 from Higgins.

470 clams. That's civilian -type money.

How are you going to get it back?

How?

Psychology.

Psychology? Yes, sir, psychology.

The whole post is waiting me.

Then make my move and get that $470
back, right? So will we.

Well, can I be bothered with chicken
feed like that? No.

I'm too busy with the store.

Store? Store?

You say store?

Yes, sir. Our store. We got a store?

This ad's been running in the local
paper for over a year. It's an empty

for rent. I've been saving it for an
emergency just like this. Here, you.

Go to town and rent me that store. Rent
the store?

Yes, sir.

There it is, right there.

Store for rent.

Months rent free for enterprising
person.

George Crowe, real estate assistant.

Go home. Sure, sure, sure. Just a
minute, Laney. I was under rifle range

day, my ears.

With an empty store, we're going to get
the money back from Sawicki and

Pendleton and Grover? Get it back?

They're going to come in here personally
and beg me to take it back.

Beg you to take it?

Yes. And Sawicki, sweet Sergeant
Sawicki, he's going to come in here on

hands and knees with the money in his
mouth.

And he's going to lay it at my feet.

Go, go, go. Thank you, sir.

Ah, Mr. Crowe. It isn't often we're
visited by the mayor of Roseville.

Hall, I am not here to discuss the
situation between your camp of soldiers

the town of Roseville.

One of your sergeants wished to make a
rental in a building I own.

According to army regulations, you must
countersign the leases.

There are two of them.

Isn't it strange, Mr. Crow, for a town
that has continually slammed the door in

the faces of my men, American soldiers,
that you're going to allow a soldier to

live there now? No soldier is living
there. It's a store, and for business

purposes only.

A store?

Bilko, renting an empty store?

I'm afraid I'll have to think... Sir,
regulations state that outside

are permissible if it does not interfere
with his work.

That's right, Colonel.

That copy is yours.

Good day, Colonel. I'll file this, sir.

What is Bilko up to now?

File this.

Wow, here he goes again.

What is it?

Bilko's been in an empty store.

An empty store?

Wait till the boys hear about this. Wait
till the girls hear about this.

Sorry, Lieutenant, this is an emergency.

What's Bilko going to do with that
store, Pendleton?

What's the deal? How should I know?

Sure, you'll never know.

You guys just took this money and froze
him out. That's all.

Now who's frozen out?

Out of what?

It's just an empty store.

What are you talking about? It's just an
empty store.

Oh, sure, it's just an empty store.

That's how Woolworth started.

Just once more.

So we're in business. We got a store.

An empty store.

So what do we do now?

Nothing.

We just wait here till they bring us the
money.

They're a little sooner than I expected.

Come in.

Hi, Ernie.

Hi, Ernie. Hi, Ernie. Hey, Pendleton,
boys.

What's on your mind? Nothing. It's just
a friendly call.

Oh, I got a few new sharp jackets in
from Quartermaster's.

Pendleton!

Naturally, I... want you to be the first
to have one.

Just a side. Say, this is awful nice of
you, Steve.

Listen, if pals don't stick together,
what's the whole thing worth?

So true, so true.

Oh, Ernie, what's this I hear about you
renting a store in town?

Store? Oh, yes, store, that's right.
Look, uh, shoulders with a sleeve to

You know what I mean?

And shoulders.

Uh, Ernie, what kind of a store is it?

An empty store.

Yeah, I know, but something must have
appealed to you. Not in particular.

As a matter of fact, I haven't even seen
it yet.

You haven't seen it? No, but boy, I know
what's in there. What?

Nothing.

It's an empty store. Stays empty.

Fender, listen.

Can you give me that air cord, Drake?

Drake.

Ernie.

Can you take in a few partners?

Partners? In what? I told you, it's an
empty store.

I never heard anything this ridiculous.

I need a voice in my platoon, and I got
this 140 bucks together. We want in. You

gotta let us in on it. You're too epic.
In on what?

It's an empty store.

Fender, look.

Can you give me some pleats?

Pleats? Give him pleats!

When the smartest operator in the whole
United States Army suddenly decides to

rent a store, we don't ask no questions.

We just want to be cut in.

Well, what can I do? You hear them?

begging. All right, Rocco, you're at the
treasury.

Yeah. Here's your lease.

You got a third of an empty store.

Ernie, you, you, you, you stand there.

Give me something with the sleeves, some
character.

Ernie, I'll never forget this.

I'm sure you won't.

354 Oak Street. Come on, boys, get some
trucks. We'll go down and see our

property. And until it fits.

Wait a minute!

day for visiting, isn't it? I just
figured you might be hungry, so the boys

fixed up some cold fruit for you. That's
nice.

What is it, Zwicky?

Oh, nothing much.

Uh, we understand you rented an empty
store.

Out. Yeah, but the fellas asked me to...
Out. They gave me the money... You

don't want to do business with a
riffraff? Yeah, out.

Out with the dead duck routine. Out!

Well?

Sergeant Bilko, I love you.

Fender the police, Fender.

Fender, Fender, look, this is all right,
but you're not capturing me.

Give me a sweet something. Here she is,
Ernie.

Oh, Jim, you shouldn't have.

Oh, forget it, Ernie.

He'd pay you.

You know how.

120 bucks for a share in a store. I'm
begging you.

What can I do? He's begging me.
Treasurer, take the money.

Here. It's 120 bucks. Here's your lease.
You got a third interest in the empty

store. Give me a little... Ernie.

Ernie, I... Oh, thanks, Ernie.

You got me at all in this outfit?

Come and get it.

I'll take you there with all the
trimmings, Ernie.

We want it. Take the money, Ernie,
please.

I don't want it, but the fellas...

on his hands and knees, huh?

And, uh, are you sure I can't get this
in a charcoal grave?

Sir, look at the bright side.

The boy spent so much time in front of
Belko's store, there hasn't been any

gambling on the post for days.

Relax, sir.

Relax?

No gambling on the post for days.

What is he up to?

Why are they gambling?

Extra. GI gambling den rated.

Empty store used as casino.

Here's the man who rented it. Private
Bilko. Former sergeant.

Here's the man who okayed it. Sergeant
Hall.

Former colonel.

the copy of that lease, sir. It's your
signature, all right. I know that.

It's the only thing I do know.

But I'm going to find out what's going
on in this post.

Now, Colonel, now, you're not capturing
me at all.

What are you doing?

You're covering the police. Here's what
I want.

Give me a sweep, you know.

Dashing, gay, but virile.

Never mind that solo. This is a solo I
haven't done. You don't capture this one

at all.

This is the one I prayed with, you
understand?

Don't freeze on me now, Fender. Come on.
Don't goof off.

Fender, you're fighting me. I got more
trouble with... Fence!

Sergeant Bilko and his merry crew.

Corporal... Bob Ellis, sir.

Henshaw, sir. And which one are you?
Hart, Scheffner, or Marks?

Sir, I'd like to explain.

I can explain.

I can now explain... why the
quartermaster corps is always too busy

on a button for me.

Custom -tailored uniforms.

Pleats!

I've always dreamed of a jacket like
that.

But Sergeant Bilko slaps his finger.
Thank you.

Oh, no.

Where is what, sir?

The telephone!

A private telephone.

I have to share mine with 14 officers.

Sergeant Bilko is indisposed.

Who is this?

This is his stooge.

The commanding officer.

Turkey denims.

Uniforms, custom tailored.

What next?

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

And

on

my birthday, he gave me a jelly donut.

use your phone?

Oh, please do so. Make yourself at home.
Anything you want is...

Give me Lieutenant Anderson.

Bilko, I don't know what's going on, but
I do know that that store is at the

bottom of all this.

Hello, Anderson.

Colonel Hall. I... Never mind where I'm
calling from.

Lieutenant, I want to have that store at
354 Oak Street declared off -limits

immediately.

Put up signs all over the town and the
post.

No soldier is allowed within a hundred
feet of it.

Now, that's all we'll hear about that
store.

Please.

Well, that does it.

You all heard the colonel.

There's only one thing left to do.

Well, there's a chance of making a
profit. Well, sure we're making a

do you know where the profit's going?

Into a service center for the boys.

A service center? Every civic
organization is behind it. Colonel, for

time in years, our town is coming to
life.

Amazing. Who would want to make a profit
from the boys?

Yeah.

partners here, I think we should have a
board of directors meeting.

Now, fellas, there's been something on
my mind for quite a while. I'd like to

ask you about it.

Now, you boys own an empty store, right?

Well, what are you going to do with it?

Why, we thought that you had... You own
a third, you own a third, and you own a

third. Well, what about you? Don't you
own a piece of it?

Me? I'm in the army.

contribution.

Oh, gee, Sergeant Bilko, what about you?
Don't worry, we got plenty left.

Oh, no, Sergeant, I can't take your
money. Now get in there and show some

this outfit. Let me see some spirit.
Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey,
hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey,

hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Yeah, but I... Well, I couldn't hang
around with a guy as smart as you all

years without having some of it rub off
on me.

The money, Bob. We made over $400 on one
empty store.

Imagine what we're going to make with
six of them.

Six of them?

That's what the money is doing. Down
payments on the only six empty stores

in Roseville.

Here are the leases.

Oh, Tommy, you're kidding.

You didn't fall for the routine. I... I
created my own monster.

Stupid idea.

You.

It was played by Harry Clark, Sergeant
Pendleton by Ned Glass, Sergeant Grover

by Jimmy Little, and Fender was
portrayed by Herbie Fay.