Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor telephones

♫ Gents ready-made suits

So, I went to see this new doctor, you see,

and he said, "Do you know that two out of 10 people

"are just like you?"

I said, "Oh!"

He said, "Oh yes, there's a lot of it about."

I said, "Well, what are you going to do?"

He said, "Well, what the trouble is, you see,

"that you are under great strain due to your

"superior intelligence."

I said, "Well, what do you do about it?"

He says, "Well you see, we sort of clear your brain."

I said, "Oh really?

"I'm all ears, tell me more."

He said, "Well, we put you to sleep for a whole week."

I said, "Well, with dreams like I have,

"I'll be worn out."

Apart from which, you can't afford to take

the time off, can you?

Well that's what I told him.

He says, "What you'll have to do is have a cold shower

"every morning, you see, and then a run around the park."

Well, I had me first run this morning.

I put me little shorts on, I just got as far

as the road mending gang when I was under strain again.

Put out your faggy, it's Peacock.

I catch anybody on this counter smoking

after the bill is gone, I shall take very severe measures.

You're for it.

I thought so.

See me later, Mr. Lucas.

He's in a foul mood, isn't he?

His whole world has fallen apart, you know?

Don't tell me, they've dropped him

from the Grace Brothers table tennis team.

He's been working on his chop all week.

No, it's worse than that.

When he went to the flower store this morning,

they'd run out of carnations for his buttonhole.

I saw the whole thing.

Oh, do tell.

They offered him a dahlia instead.

He hit the roof.

"What sort of fool do you think I'd look

"walking around with a dahlia in me buttonhole," he said.

And the bird behind the counter said,

"The same sort of fool you look walking around

"with a carnation in your buttonhole."

So, he canceled his standing order

and he sent Arbon round the corner to the

Cozy Posy shop for one.

Miss Brahms.

I thought so.

You're late.

Yeah well, I'm sorry, but you see--

Don't make your excuses to me.

Explain yourself to Mrs. Slocombe.

If she's not satisfied, she will take the matter up with me.

Mrs. Slocombe.

Yes, Captain Peacock?

Miss Brahms, as you can see, is late.

I leave it to you to reprimand her.

Very well, Captain Peacock.

I, for my part, am reprimanding you

for not telling me that she was late.

But you knew she was late.

That is not relevant.

There is correct procedure in store management

that must be followed at all times.

Pompous twit.

Miss Brahms, you are not to speak of your superiors

in that manner.

You've got that padded bra on again, haven't you?

I've told you about that before.

So what?

It's very inflammatory for the men.

And, well it's out of proportion with the rest of ya.

You look like the hunchfront of Notre Dame.

Satisified?

I'm confiscating this until closing time.

Where have you been?

Well, I had to iron me nylon blouse this morning,

you see, and I set the iron at number 10 and it went

straight through.

I had to stop off on the way to buy another one.

Well why couldn't you come here and get one?

I'm not buying this rubbish.

Miss Brahms, I am responsible for the choice of

merchandise in the store.

It is top quality and I won't have it criticized

by juniors.

It comes from Hong Kong and you sew your own

labels in.

Look at that.

One pound, 25.

They're very hard wearing.

Hard wearing, you'll be lucky if the elastic lasts

til you get on the bus.

Miss Brahms, I will not have you knocking my knickers.

And I'm not,

I'm not too keen on you knicking my knockers.

Is that the blouse?

Yes.

How many frills has it got?

I don't know, I haven't counted.

Count them now.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Miss Brahms, how long have you worked at

Grace Brothers?

Four years.

Well, that's quite long enough to have learned

that juniors are not permitted more frills

on their blouses than seniors.

If six frills is enough for me, then two is

more than enough for you.

Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.

Until I was 30, I wasn't allowed any frills at all.

Suppose after 30, it was too late.

There's the scissors, cut four off.

No.

Right, I've had all the lip I'm taking.

Captain Peacock will make you cut them off.

Captain Peacock.

Mrs. Slocombe,

go back to your counter

and stand behind it.

When I happen to look in your direction,

raise your hand a little.

If I nod, say, "Captain Peacock, are you free?"

If I am, I will beckon and you may then approach me.

That is the correct procedure, do I make myself clear?

Yes, Captain Peacock.

That was quick.

Shut up.

Are you free, Captain Peacock?

You wish to say something to me, Mrs. Slocombe?

Yes, Captain Peacock.

I'm going to see Mr. Rumbold, so get stuffed.

Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.

Drop dead!

Now, let's see if I've got this right.

Miss Brahms made some disparaging remarks

about Mrs. Slocombe's underwear,

complaining it was not hard wearing,

whereupon Mrs. Slocombe confiscated her knickers.

No.

She confiscated my knockers.

Knockers, ah, I see yes.

The knickers were not hard wearing.

The door knockers were from hardware.

No, they were under my blouse.

You were wearing door knockers from hardware

under your blouse.

You considered this to be inflammatory, Mrs. Slocombe?

Well, I consider that you were pertinent.

Don't wear door knockers under your blouse anymore,

Miss Brahm.

Mrs. Slocombe then became agitated because after the age of

30, she hadn't had as many thrills as Miss Brahm.

No sir, no sir, frills on her blouse.

Ah yes, frills on blouse, which was being worn

over the door knockers.

Now it's all coming together,

all coming clear to me, yes.

She then approached you, Captain Peacock,

intending to suggest that you had them cut off.

I also have get stuffed written down here.

Does that come in anywhere?

I have a feeling it will very soon.

What is this?

It's a jumbo juno range.

Miss Brahms, I suggest you wear this

instead of door knockers.

I wonder what's going on.

They've been arguing in there for 10 minutes.

Yeah well, perhaps Peacock will forget about me.

Lucas.

He hasn't forgotten about me.

Over here, Mr. Lucas.

You wish to see me about something or other,

Captain Peacock?

Yes I do.

What, no carnations this morning, Stephen?

Go away.

Captain Peacock,

if you speak to me like that in front of juniors,

I shall complain to Mr. Rumbold.

Do your waistcoat up properly and get back to your counter.

Oh damn.

You'll pay for that.

It's me own, so tough cheese.

Yes well, if that's all Captain Peacock,

I'll go back to my counter.

It is not all.

On Wednesday last, I twice reprimanded you

for standing around with your hands in your pockets.

On Friday, you had no handkerchief in your top pocket

and your hands in your trouser pockets again.

Yes, my hands were in my trouser pockets then

'cause they were looking for me handkerchief

for me top pocket, you see?

On Monday last, I reprimanded you for having

hairs on your collar.

Well, it started falling out, you see?

On account of the worry because of the reprimand

you'd given me on the Wednesday before.

I do not want to see fallen hairs on your collar again.

No sir.

If I feel it falling, I'll jump out the way.

Unless you measure up to the standard required at

Grace Brothers, we shall have to dispense with

your services.

Now get back behind your counter

and send Mr. Humphries over.

Yes sir.

Hey, he's had a go at Grainger,

he's practically given me the sack, now it's your turn.

He wouldn't dare.

He wants ya.

If you've got any complaints, will you get them

over quickly?

I've been under a lot of strain lately.

Last Thursday--

No, don't talk to me about Thursday.

I thought I'd never get through the day.

To start with, I got me high heels caught in the escalator

and I had six pairs of wire fronts returned

with substandard openings.

The coalman came round to me mother and said

that he hadn't had what was due to him.

Do you know by 11:00, my hand was shaking so much,

it was more than my job was worth to take an inside leg.

Let's take Friday.

You went off the floor for 25 minutes in account.

Oh yes, it's that ledger clerk in sanctions.

He will insist on telling me about Ramadan.

On Saturday, two customers complained that

they had difficulty breathing because of your

aftershave lotion.

It's not aftershave, it's my new skin tightener.

Works wonders.

You should see the commercial they do for it.

It shows a prune being turned back into a plum.

It is my experience after 30 years

of the distributive trades, that customers place

more trust in an honest prune than in someone

desperately trying to look like Donny Osmond.

Now get back there.

I've never been spoken to like that

in the whole of my life.

I quite enjoyed it.

Here we are squire.

One carnation for you to tart yourself up with.

They didn't have executive red, so I had to settle

for very gated.

Well, that'll be all Herman.

Leave the floor.

Yes, your highness.

Shall I grove off or back away respectfully?

Just go.

Gather round everybody.

Not you.

Oh blimey.

Now listen very carefully to what I have to say.

Ah Peacock, I'm glad you got everyone together.

Now, listen very carefully to what I have to say.

I have noticed a marked decline in the appearance

and efficiency of the members of this department.

That's just what I was about to say, sir.

What on earth is that?

Are you referring to my carnation?

Is that what you call it?

How long have you been here Peacock?

Over 20 years, sir.

By now, you should know perfectly well

that floor walkers are permitted to wear only

executive red carnations.

Now, this is a typical example of the sort of slackness

and houliganism that I'm talking about.

We all know how to behave and dress.

For 50 years, young Mr. Grace has shown us the way.

He's appeared before us every day polite, smiling,

and elegantly attired as a gentleman should be.

Howdy folks.

I've just stopped off from my trip to the US early.

We'd never have guessed.

I brought back some great new ideas

you all's going right into orbit.

I'll spill the load down to your bosses and no doubt

they'll fill you guys right in.

Well that's it folks.

Thank you Mr. Grace.

You've all done very swell.

Well let's roll.

I hope this isn't going to take long Captain Peacock.

The last time I was late, a fireman had to climb

out of my bedroom window and risk his life

on a narrow ledge trying to grab hold of my pussy.

Very brave, these firemen.

Poor animal was clutching the drain pipe

with it's eyes glued on the bus stop watching for me.

I want to get home, that Uri Geller's on.

Oh, I like him.

I think he's ever so handsome.

Well, he must have something.

Do you know, the last time that he was on,

I was watching it and I was really concentrating.

You know how you do?

And I distinctly felt something move.

I did!

So I plunged my hand in me trouser pocket

and do you know,

my door keys were bent double?

Very kind of you all to stay behind.

Now, settle down everyone.

Well, I hope I shall get home in time

to see the bionic woman.

I wouldn't have thought that was your sort of

program, Mr. Grainger.

Well, I want Mrs. Grainger to see it.

I'm trying to persuade her to buy a hearing aid.

She's never been quite right ever since she had that

fall off her bus in Turkey.

That must be quite a program in itself.

I can see it all.

She fell off a bus, but she can be mended.

We have the means, we have the technology.

She'll be faster, stronger, better, with new arms,

new legs, new teeth, and new varicose veins.

That is very unfeeling.

Mr. Lucas, I absolutely forbid you to speak to

your superiors like that.

I'm sorry Captain Peacock, I thought once the bell

had gone, we were allowed to become human beings again.

This does bring me to the first point.

Nay, to the very nub of our discussion here tonight.

My word, we've never got to the nub

as quick as that before.

Young Mr. Grace has been studying the sales techniques

of stores such as ours in the U.S.A.

And he feels that we could benefit

from some of their methods.

Well let me say categorically that if I'm to be expected

to wear a Stetson hat and lasso the customers

as they get out of the lift,

I am leaving here and now.

I've heard they have a very interesting position

at Austin Reed's.

That rumor's been going around for some time.

There's no intention of us yankee-fying ourselves.

What we're striving for is the American informality,

their easygoing approach to customers and indeed

to each other.

For example, all the staff are on first name terms

with the management.

Is that effect, Cuthbert?

Normally, I would be annoyed with you calling me Cuthbert,

Stephen, but of course, you're quite right to do so.

And Mr. Lucas' battonage with Ernest

sets exactly the right tone of friendly

inter-staff relations, which young

Mr. Grace is trying to achieve.

What about his first name?

Yes, Mr. Lucas, what is your first name?

Just call me Mr. Lucas.

Oh dear, no no, we can't have that.

Come along, let's have it.

Dick.

Good!

Gets more informal every minute!

Well now, I have a list of points here

from young Mr. Grace, so let's go through them

one by one, hmm?

First, dress.

We must henceforth dispense with the formality

of our dress and all this rubbish about

two inches of white handkerchief at the top pocket and--

Carnations?

Carnations and--

Frills on blouses?

Exactly, it's all out of text.

All out of date.

Dress to express your personalities.

Don't look like salesmen, look like people.

Second, the approach to the customer.

Don't strut up to the customer and say,

"Are you being served?"

No no, make contact with them.

Say, "Hello there, my name's Stephen

"and this is--"

Dick.

Yes, Dick, and you'll see if he's got

something your size.

Thirdly, atmosphere.

Atmosphere, we must get rid of this museum like hush.

We must have background music.

Oh, I should look forward to that.

Betty here leaning over the counter, chewing gum,

singing Hey Big Spender, Spend A Little Time On Me.

Watch it, Mr. Lucas.

Dick.

Thank you, Clayborne.

Lastly, I have noticed a little tension

between various members of the staff.

This can communicate itself to customers.

Mr. Grace has ordered that we should start each day

as we mean to go on by declaring our friendship

for each other.

Friendship?

Yes.

Yes, we should start each day by gripping our fellow

workers by the hand, looking into their eyes

and saying, "I like you."

Let's try it now, I'll set an example.

I like you, Stephen.

And I like you too, Cuthbert.

From now on, we're going to be great friends.

Oh yes indeed.

Yes, good, good, good.

I can feel the tears of joy welling up inside me.

Now well, Betty and Shirley,

let's see there's no ill will between you.

Grip her hand, Betty.

Smile.

Now say, "I like you Shirley."

I like you, Shirley.

Excellent, excellent.

Now, Clayborne--

Hang on a minute, I'm not having this.

She hadn't said she liked me.

I didn't get a chance, did I?

Old jug ears jumps straight in.

Old jug ears, yes I like that.

Very well Shirley, off you go then.

No, it's too late now, the moment's passed.

Well, nevermind.

Let's all do it together.

Ready, steady, go.

I like you Ernest.

Yes, excellent, marvelous.

Now, I think this overtime has been very well spent.

I have a question, Cuthbert.

Yes Stephen?

May we go home?

Well, you may.

What a shame, we were just becoming good friends.

Now remember, when you come in on Monday morning,

it's informal attire.

We're all on first name terms

and friendship and banter are the order of the day.

Well, goodnight Ernest.

Goodnight Clayborne.

Sweet dreams, Cuth.

Goodnight Dick.

See you around, Baldy.

Goodnight Shirley and Betty.

Yeah, we don't have to kiss ya, do we?

No.

Thank Heaven for that.

Night Stephen.

Goodnight Cuthbert.

What do you think?

I was dubious at first but, I can see the advantage

of being able to speak one's mind and get things

off one's chest without fear of upsetting anybody.

Oh, I'm so glad you feel that Stephen

because there's something I've been wanting to say to you

all day.

Oh really Cuthbert, what's that?

Get stuffed.

Morning.

Hello.

How's it going, Harry?

Mr. Harmond to you.

In accordance with the new policy of the store,

we are all on first name terms now.

Not me, not until my convene has ratified the agreement

with a properly constituted committee.

Until then, it's Mr. Harmond.

Alright, how's it going Mr. Harmond?

Not bad, Cuthbert.

Yeah, I thought you were supposed to wear

casual things.

Oh, that is for the members of the department

who meet the public.

It doesn't apply to executive staff.

Mick Jagger and Twiggy's mom.

Morning Shirley and Dick.

I must say, I think you both made a marvelous effort.

Where's the signing in book, man?

We've dispensed with all that sort of red tape.

Just stand there now and press this button.

See, that's taken a picture of you and the clock.

It has done away with the red tape, hasn't it?

Where's Peacock?

I mean, sorry, Stephen.

Well, contrary to instructions, he arrived

formal dressed as usual.

So I've sent him off to our way out boutique

to be made to look a little more trendy.

Hey, I never new you had a hairy chest.

I've had it for years, why don't you try it?

Good morning Ernest.

It isn't good at all.

Mrs. Grainger doesn't believe I've gone to work.

She thinks that I've pulled somebody

in the mix bowls team.

Morning Betty.

Good morning, Dick.

Let's see what you've got under the coat, Mrs. Slocombe.

Oh come now, you can do better than that.

Mr. Rumbold, I have worked in stores for nay on

more years than I care to remember.

And I have always dressed to suit the dignified

side of my personality.

But Mrs. Slocombe, it's the warm, uninhibited side

of your personality that we're hoping to see.

Very well.

I don't know about the front, but it's very

uninhibited at the back.

You asked for it and you've got it.

And a double helping too, if I may say so.

You'll get a fat lip!

Cuthbert, Ernest, Shirley, Dick.

And if I'm not mistaken, May West.

Magnificent.

You shouldn't have taken all that trouble.

What are you talking about?

I haven't been home since last night.

Where's Stephen?

Oh, he's being modernized in the way out boutique.

Get me Austin Reed's.

Been a very good week, Mr. Grace.

May I say how glad we are that you've returned

safely from your trip to the east?

We've got all the idea running.

Everything's running very smoothly.

Peace man.

Love.

That as well.

You have trousers?

Far as the eye can see.

Then pant me man.

Clayborne?

You call, Stevie, baby?

Strides for the old me with an afria.

Wish me luck Dick.

Hit em with the tape Clay!

I haven't understood a single word for seven days.

Stay with it Ernest or it could be goodbye as well.

Are you serving?

Are you buyin'?

Of course I'm buying.

Then I'm serving.

I'm looking for a pair of tan pantyhose.

My name's Betty.

Good, I'm looking for a pair of tan pantyhose.

Call me Betty.

I'm looking for a pair of tan pantyhose, Betty.

What's your name?

Cynthia Randall.

Oh Cynthia, what a beautiful name.

Oh and it does suit ya.

I like you Cynthia.

I really do like you Cynthia.

No, really.

I've been trying all week and I still can't get it right.

Nevermind, let it all hang out.

Don't you mean hang in?

Not from where I'm standing, Betty baby.

Hurry up, hurry up.

This display unit was supposed to be ready a week ago.

All the other floors have got theirs.

I'm afraid we've had certain teething problems.

The teeth kept falling out.

Gather round everybody, the display unit has arrived.

Now, this will stand outside your lift

and every time the doors open, it will raise it's hat

and say, "Welcome to my store, welcome to my store."

Oh it's so lifelike, it gives me the shivers.

Shall I activate it?

Yes Mr. Harmond.

Welcome to my store.

Oh, switch it off Mr. Harmond.

I thought it was supposed to raise it's hat.

Yes, what's wrong with it, Harmond?

I told ya, we've been having troubles with it.

Hang on.

Shall I give it one more try?

Yes, yes.

Welcome to my store.

Welcome to my store.

Welcome to my store.

Oh, remove it Mr. Harmond.

Bring it back when it's working properly.

How many more of these duft ideas

have we got to put up with?

That'll be Mr. Grace, positions everybody.

Afternoon everybody.

Hi Daddy.

Welcome back from Peking, Sir.

I hope your trip was a success.

Oh yes, a very great success, yes.

I've given up the idea of this American approach,

but I've got some great new ideas now.

You'll find them all in my little red book.

Thank you, Mr. Grace.

You've all done very welly, huh?

corrected by 7kozlov - www.myfbs.ru -