Original subtitles

Can I help you?

Yes, I was wondering...

We're going on holiday, he wants some beachwear.

Yes, I want some, I want some beachwear.

Robes and swimming trunks.

Yes, a robe and some swimming trunks.

I just said that, Claude.

Yes, she just said that.

Yes, Mr. Grainger, are you free for beachwear?

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock, but I'm brim steaming.

What a lovely action you have there, Mr. Grainger.

Are you free, Mr. Lucas?

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock, this lady's looking

for something large in y-fronts.

Where's Mr. Humphries, is he free?

I'm free.

Just had a disaster with my braces.

I stooped to conquer an inside leg,

there was a loud ping, and I had to finish up

the customer with my hands in my pocket.

This lady says that this gentleman requires beachwear.

Oh, my word, doesn't the year fly quickly?

One minute it's oh come all ye faithful,

the next minute you're flat on your back in the sand.

It's hard to know which one enjoys the most, this way.

Now what did Sir have in mind?

We have Bermudas, down to there, we have the shorts

up to there, and we have the briefs up to there.

Anything else is in the sports department.

We were thinking of going to the Orkneys.

How about some heiress tweed cottons?

Now don't worry if the wig is a little loose, madam,

you'll find it will ride up with wear.

Anyway, what was I saying?

You were in this pub on your own...

Oh, yes, I was just ordering a bottle of champagne

for me birthday.

Your birthday, oh, we haven't missed it, have we?

Oh, no no no, it's not for three days yet.

I was gonna say, we haven't had a collection yet.

Oh, you mustn't think of buying anything for me.

Well, not much anyway.

Well, as I was saying, isn't it funny

how you get into conversation with people?

I mean, there I was sitting on this stool

and this man was right over at the other side

and all I did was take me shoe off and bang it

on the counter to knock a nail back in

and he looked up and smiled.

Well, after that he must have been interested,

and he must have been watching

because the minute I dropped me handbag

and me change went all over the floor, he was on his knees,

helping me.

Oh, was he good looking?

Well, you know that film where Steve McQueen

played a racing driver with a limp?

He didn't look like Steve McQueen, did he?

Well, no, but he had a very similar limp.

There you are, sir.

Would Madam care to see the shorts?

Oh yes, of course.

Madam would care to see the shorts.

You are getting absent minded.

It's a good job he remembered his wife runs.

♫ Been round the world

♫ Looking for the sunshine

Mr. Harmon, how many times have I told you

not to present yourself on the floor during opening hours?

It must be awful for you to keep telling me off like that.

It's making you frown, and if you keep frowning,

you're gonna look older and older.

And Mrs. Peacock will find a younger man

and leave you and you'll go all to pieces

and have to retire just 'cause I keep coming on this floor

which I've every right to do, seeing as I've got

deliveries to the gent's department.

Have you quite finished?

I'll just move it over here and connect it up.

What on earth is it?

It's the new model for if you wanna get 'eadgear

'at week.

That is why I was doing my brim steaming, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Grainger's often shown me how to brim steam and shape,

but I get the wrist action wrong every time I do it,

it goes limp.

Your wrist or the brim?

I say, perhaps you'd like me to give you a demonstration?

Carry on, Mr. Harmon.

I like it, I like it, I like it.

I like it, I like it, I like it.

Well, that'll come in handy if you're carrying

a couple of suitcases and you bump into the queen.

How funny, the eyes are supposed to light up as well.

Perhaps they only do that if the queen's actually there.

Yes, well now you've delivered it, Mr. Harmon,

please leave.

I can't, I've got another one for Mrs. Slocombe, Henry?

Here, Mrs. Slocombe,

I've got some new models for the flexy girdle,

it contains a figure what's out of control.

Captain Peacock, I hope that is not going

to distract attention from my hat.

We're all working for the same store, Mr. Grainger.

I don't think it's fair, his moves and talks,

mine doesn't do anything.

Don't underestimate the Flexy Girdle corporation.

I like it, I like it, I like it.

Where's the others?

Well, I rushed on ahead to give them a chance

to talk about me birthday.

I haven't reminded them yet.

Haven't you, not that it matters of course,

but they'll be so upset if they find they've forgotten it.

Well, I haven't had time.

Anyway, should the conversation crop up,

I'll leave the table and they ain't never confab,

only remember, I've got an ironing board and an iron

and a coffee pot and a toaster.

As I said to Mrs. Axelby, if Richard Burton

wants to give Elizabeth Taylor a diamond ring

worth two million pounds for her birthday,

that's entirely up to him.

You know, I can't remember whether

this is chicken soup or vegetable.

Well, taste it.

That's not going to make any difference.

Oh, that's confused everything, it's got a fish bone in it.

That's not a fish bone, that's a hair grip.

It's game soup.

You know, I always think the grapefruit segments

are safer.

That's what that fly thought, and he was wrong,

it killed him.

You know, it's so expensive to eat out these days.

I took Mrs. Peacock to a little candlelit taverno

for an orzo and a good annopolu,

nothing particularly expensive

Of course.

And with a to finish,

it came to nearly six pounds.

Night light robbery.

Was it her birthday?

No.

No, one has to take one's wife out occasionally

for an airing.

You make her sound like a spaniel.

She doesn't look the least like a spaniel.

Mind you, he has to tie her ears back

when she's having the soup.

Don't forget you're a junior, Mr. Lucas.

She has many beautiful ears, they give her

a very pretty profile, mind you,

head ornament's a bit of a shock.

I don't go out unless it's a special occasion.

Like a birthday.

I stay at home, you know, and do something exotic.

Every now and again me mother gets the Jimmy Young

recipe book off the shelf and we have a few friends round

and then we watch Warship.

Do you eat it while you watch it?

Only if it's calm.

Then we pass the grog 'round and we all take it in turns

to pretend to be the commander getting cross.

Does your mother play the admiral?

Only if she promises to go to bed early.

Mind you, I suppose she stays up late on her birthday.

Anyway, while you all talk about birthdays,

I'll just go and have a word

with Miss Cumlosey in cosmetics.

What was all that about?

It was her idea of a subtle hint.

In three days' time, it's her birthday.

So what?

Well, it is one of our Grace Brothers traditions,

Mr. Lucas, that the departments club together

to buy a little present on these occasions.

Oh, well, that's easy, Miss Brahams

is the lady's department, she can club herself together

and get something really nice.

Oh, you're mean as well as being over-sexed.

The whole floor will club together, Mr. Lucas,

any suggestions?

I vote we give her a cyanide tablet.

No, I take that back.

Good.

Two cyanide tablets, in case the first one doesn't work.

Mr. Grainger still blames Mrs. Slocombe's corset display

for giving his revolving hat a nervous breakdown.

I think we should make it 50 P a head, hmm?

25 P for juniors.

You're not that junior.

You're gonna have to bung in more than that.

It's her 50th.

What makes you think that, Miss Brown?

Apart from her appearance.

Well, she happened to let it out last year

that she's the same age as her cat.

Now she bought that cat in 1968.

- Which makes Mrs. Slocombe seven years old.

No, in the animal kingdom, one year counts for seven.

Now wait a minute, let me get this straight.

That's seven times 50, that makes her 350,

I wouldn't argue with that.

The cat was 49 last year.

Right, which makes Mrs. Slocombe 50.

Yes, we shall have to do something special

to mark the occasion.

Well, I've already suggested a cyanide tablet.

Well, in view of this information, I think

perhaps we should make it a pound a head.

Yeah, well, if Rumbold chips in, that'd make it six quid.

Well, even that's not a lot these days.

Hmm, I don't know, it's dinner for one twice

at Captain Peacock's taverno with gernapolu.

I'm not putting a quid in until somebody proves

that she's 50.

Yes, it's a pity we can't ask the cat.

It's very difficult, you know, to get to know

a lady's age, I keep asking me mother,

she always says, I'm as old as me nose

and a little bit older than me teeth.

I'm a great deal older than my teeth.

Well, how are we gonna find out?

Well, it should be in her confidential records

in personnel.

Yeah, but I'm not doing a Watergate on her records.

Or perhaps we might sort of tie it up

with a national event.

What'd you mean?

Well, for instance, the Jarrow March, that was in 1936.

Now, if she remembers having seen it when she was 10,

that would prove that she was 50.

Suppose the Jarrow March didn't go past her house.

I shouldn't think it would, she was born in Blackpool.

I'm not suggesting it's easy.

I mean, this is simply a method.

Look, I've got a diary here that's got important events

listed.

Oh, well, go on, read it out then.

Oh, I can't, the print's a bit small.

Allow me.

My goodness me, it is small, isn't it.

Now then, let's have a look at 1926,

now that's the year we're assuming she was born.

Now...

Ah, yes, yes, here we are.

Let's see if she remembers any of these.

Ibn Saud proclaimed king of the Hejaz in Yedar.

That would stick in one's mind.

Cologne evacuated by British troops,

Shakespeare Memorial Theater, Stratford upon Avon

burned down.

Is that all?

That's all, yeah.

Quite a year, wasn't it.

Nothing about the general strike?

We all had to give a hand, you know, I drove an ambulance.

You didn't by any chance pick up Mrs. Slocombe's mother

and take her to a maternity home, did you?

I hope I'm not interrupting a private discussion.

No, no, no, we were just discussing memory

and seeing how far back we could go.

From our earliest years.

As Mr. Grainger here well remembers,

Ibn Saud proclaimed King of the Hejaz in Yadar.

Does he really?

Oh, yeah, there was dancing in the street.

Does that ring a bell with you, Mrs. Slocombe?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

Does the British army ceasing to use cologne

mean anything to you?

Didn't know they'd even started.

What's your earliest memory, Mrs. Slocombe?

I remember as if it was yesterday.

I had this uncle with a big red face

and a great big mustache.

He put his face right into me cot

and he went

Now I don't suppose that was in the diary.

And then another time I remember waking up in me cot

and the place was filled with smoke.

Stratford?

No, Malcolm.

I don't suppose she'd see it from there.

There you are, madame, and do bring the garment back

if you find that your daughter can't get in to a 48.

Now then, well, I haven't had a chance to ask you.

How did it get on, did you drop the hint?

Oh yes.

Ooh, how did you manage it?

I mean, subtly introduce it into the conversation?

I said it was your birthday.

Mind you, they shouldn't think of buying me anything.

Oh, they weren't.

They weren't?

No, they weren't, they were discussing how much

to divvy up.

Well, any little thing will do,

I mean, it's the thought that counts, just a token.

Now those simulated foxes are rather nice, aren't they,

and they're ever so reasonable at 18 pounds.

I don't think we can manage that.

Well, of course, I could make a reduction.

And then offer staff discount.

Come to think of it, it's rather shop soiled, isn't it?

So that's a further reduction, how 'bout 11 quid?

You're getting warmer.

Oh, look, there's a little hole in the lining.

Well, of course, that makes it seconds.

Would that bring it anywhere near six pounds?

Exactly.

I'll just mark the tickets, six pounds, slightly soiled.

Oh, that looks lovely, may I?

Six pounds, did you say?

I'll take it.

Sale, Mrs. Slocombe?

I'm afraid so, Miss Brahams.

Are you free, Captain Peacock?

At the moment Mr. Lucas, yes.

I've just come from the pet department.

They've checked the pussy book, and Mrs. Slocombe

definitely bought a new one in 1969.

That means that she's 50.

And her pussy's 56.

Don't complicate things, Mr. Humphries.

Hey, wait, a minute, look, there's Harmon over there.

If he chips in, that'll take 16 and a half percent

off the ante.

You're very good at figures when it comes to being mean.

Excellent idea, Mr. Lucas, Mr Harmon, one moment please?

Yes, sir, Captain Peacock.

- Mr. Harmon, it's Mrs. Slocombe 50th birthday

and we're all putting in a pound, what do you say?

I'm not allowed on the floor during working hours.

I suppose Mrs. Slocombe wouldn't care to put a pound in.

At least the cake won't cost anything.

Why, why not?

Well, I've got this lovely tall friend in the patisserie.

Trust you.

She's a very nice girl, she likes doing different things

with cakes, you know, so I've given her

a lot of Mrs. Slocombe's background

and she's going to do something exotic with 50 candles.

Excellent, and we'll all give it to her

when the store closes on her birthday.

What are we gonna do with the six quid?

Not even sure we've got six quid.

I mean, if old Rumbold does a Harmon on us...

Yes, well, um, seems a bit slack at the moment,

let's go into his office and ask him.

A pound, even allowing for inflation,

seems rather a lot.

Well, Mr. Grainger did have a less expensive suggestion

but after general suggestion, we decided to err

on the side of generosity.

Oh, very well.

Thank you sir.

I wondered if on this special occasion

young Mr. Grace would care to make a contribution?

Oh, we can certainly find out.

Mr. Grace here.

You're very faint.

You have to speak up a bit.

You're very faint, you'll have to speak up.

I said it first.

Perhaps you've got the phone round the wrong way again,

sir?

Have I?

Is that better?

I think it's as good as we're going to get.

'Scuse me sir.

Not now, I'm on the phone.

Allow me.

Oh, thank you.

We're making secret arrangements for Mrs. Slocombe's

birthday.

No need to shout.

Would you care to make a contribution, sir?

Well, yes, put me down for half a crown.

How old is she?

No, it's not half crowns now, sir, we've gone metric.

It's new pence, of which the pound has 100.

What was that?

100.

Ooh, she should be retired.

Since she's stayed such a long time,

I'll make it five crowns.

Young Mr. Grace has generously agreed

to contribute 25 pence.

How much have we got altogether?

Six pounds, 25 pence.

Have you decided what to give her?

No, before making that decision,

we decided to await the result of young Mr. Grace's

contribution, sir.

It hasn't made a lot of difference.

I could probably manage 15 cut price vouchers

for a canteen lunch.

Rather along the lines you were thinking of, Mr. Grainger.

Don't you think that's a little impersonal?

How about a voucher for the pet department,

to give her a new pussy when hers wears out?

How about a voucher from Madame Bell's beauty parlor

for her special spring facial?

- No, not for Mrs. Slocombe, for six pounds 25,

you wouldn't get enough cement to fill the cracks.

Yes, there's one good thing sir,

we've got a very nice cake.

Yeah, yeah, friend of Mr. Humphries is making it

in the patisserie.

I'm sure he'll do it very well.

I like to make it quite clear

that being of an affectionate nature,

I have many friends of all shapes, sizes, and sexes.

Even this morning I had some amorous advances

from a rag and bowman's horse, which I repulsed.

I'm sure you've made it quite clear where you stand,

Mr. Humphries.

What sex was the horse?

When you've got hooves trampling on the cobbles

behind you, you don't stop to ask questions.

Well, the actual gift I leave to you,

but I do think it's time we did something

about the way we present the cake.

Ah, it's going to be served on a solid silver plated salvo

I mean the way we sing Happy Birthday to You.

We do tend to rush through it.

I think as it's her half century,

we ought to make it really good.

There was a transport strike on, sir, when we sang it

to you and we were in rather a hurry.

The only person to get right through it was Mr. Grainger.

Yes, yes, I remember, my scarf had caught in the till.

Well, anyhow, let's try specially hard for Mrs. Slocombe.

We'll have a little rehearsal when the store closes, mmm?

Here's your note, Mr. Humphries, A flat.

You'll have to hang on a minute, I'm phoning me mother

to tell her I shall be late.

Hello, dear, well, yes, look, you have yours

and leave mine in the oven, well, I don't know

what time I shall be there, we're having a sort of rehearsal

It's like a choir.

No, it's nothing to do with the vicar,

that was all in the past.

Of course I've got the right key.

Trouble is I keep going in the wrong flat.

No it isn't the story of my life.

All the stairs in that block look alike.

Yes, well, you better go or your greens will need straining.

I wish she'd get married again.

Now before we start, what is her name?

Mrs. Slocombe.

Yes, I meant her first name.

Well, surely somebody must know,

you, Miss Brahams, you must have heard it?

Well, she calls me Shirley, but I always call her

Mrs. Slocombe, even her best friend, Mrs. Axelby,

always calls her Mrs. Slocombe.

She's a very private person.

You can say that again, I don't even know

what she calls her cat.

On the billhead, she signs the initial E.

Oh, well, that's easy then, isn't it.

♫ Happy birthday, E. Slocombe

♫ Happy birthday to you

Well, before the presentation, we shall have to find out,

for the moment, we'll just hum it.

Now, these are the notes that Captain Peacock

will be singing.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday dear uh, uh

♫ Happy birthday to you

From now on I shall always think of Mrs. Slocombe

as dear uh uh.

But I fancy her name is Eleanor, now,

that's three syllables.

Yes, good point, Peacock, well,

in that case, we sing

♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh uh

I think uh uh uh suits her better than uh uh.

I believe her name is Esmeralda.

Four syllables, Mr. Rumbold.

Yes, well, let's see how that fits in.

♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh uh uh

Sounds like a bad attack of indigestion.

What are we going to sing now, uh, uh uh, uh uh uh

or uh uh uh uh?

I'll settle for that.

No, we'll have two uh's.

I entirely agree, two uh is human.

Well, the melody from Mr. Grainger, Miss Brahams,

and myself, is quite straightforward.

Ah, Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas, here is your descant.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh

♫ Happy birthday to you

Do you mind if I have a word with my friend?

We don't think we can get the top uh.

You don't know what you can do until you try.

True.

- Well, now, just Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas, ready?

One, two.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh

♫ Happy birthday to you

There you are.

All right for you, my braces have gone again.

Well, let's try it all together, eh?

Now this time I want you all to put more emphasis

on the you, make it more personal.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,

happy birthday, dear uh uh, then the grand finale,

happy birthday to you.

One gets the feeling you've done this before.

I was a founder member of Derry and Tom's glee club.

No wonder they went out of business.

Well, if you lot are gonna wander down memory lane,

I'm gonna wander down and get me bus.

No, no, no, Miss Brahams, come along, everybody,

all together, from the beginning.

One, two.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh

♫ Happy birthday to you

I like it, I like it, I like it.

Oh, it's nearly going home time, ooh,

I'm getting quite excited.

You going somewhere special?

Well, me and Mrs. Axelby are just going to have

a quiet dinner at that little restaurant

next to the Damsel, you know,

opposite the American Forces club.

Oh, is that what you brought your dancing shoes

with you for?

- That's it, come along. - Ooh!

Where's the cake?

Don't worry, my friend's delivered it to the basement,

Mr. Harmon's going to bring it up.

The other present?

It's here.

And what about her name, for the happy birthday to you?

Hang on, look, Shirley wrote it out for us,

there you are, one each.

Thank you.

Look out, she's pretending to go home.

Oh, well, I must be off.

Just one moment, Mrs. Slocombe?

Who, me?

We couldn't let today pass without making

a little gesture.

Don't tell me you've remembered me birthday.

How could we forget?

Or be allowed to.

Psst, ready when you are with the C-A-K-E.

Thank you, Mr. Harmon, Mr. Humphries, the present?

Oh, yeah, here we are, sir?

Mrs. Slocombe, dear Mrs. Slocombe.

Dear.

On behalf of your colleagues and senior staff

and young Mr. Grace...

5%.

We have much pleasure in presenting to you

this birthday gift.

Oh, you shouldn't have bothered, can I open it now?

Naturally.

Oh, it's just what I've always wanted.

Lovely, isn't it?

Come on, let's have a look at it, eh?

Oh, look at that, worth every penny.

- Oh, you know, Mrs. Grainger's always wanted one.

Well, I've had one of these for years,

I wouldn't be without it.

I wish I'd had one in the desert.

I've never actually seen one before.

We're not going to tell you what it is, it's a secret.

Right, come on everybody, all together.

Ooh, what's happening now?

One, two.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday dear

♫ Mary Elizabeth Jennifer Rachel Abigail Betty Slocombe

♫ Happy birthday to you

Hey oh, here you are, she says she hopes

it's appropriate to the background of the person

what Mr. Humphries described.

50, 50, I am only 46.

corrected by 7kozlov - www.myfbs.ru -