Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor perfumeries, stationary and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones, gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, socks shirts, suits, ties

♫ Hats, underwear, and shoes

If the shoes pinch sir do bring them back.

That's right sir, you bring 'em back

and I'll give you the name of my shuropody's.

Thank you Mr. Lucas.

I should be in my chair Mr. Humphries if you require me.

That's right Mr. Grainger, you go and have forty winks.

Yes and dream about the great trouser sale in 1938.

So anyway I said look mother, you come and stop

with me for a week and perhaps me dad will have come

to his senses, see, well she arrived and the first thing

she does is complain about the sleeping arrangements.

You mean she didn't like the settee?

No, she took exception to my canopied bed.

The cheek of it.

I know, the lace alone cost a hundred pounds.

Then she wouldn't put her teeth in the cut glass goblet.

And to cap everything as soon as she'd done her bath

and put her curlers in she insisted on sitting

behind the curtains, lookin' at the neighbors.

And I bet they all thought it was you.

I shan't share my confidences with you

if you're going to mock me.

I had some very strange phone calls, two heavy breathing

and a wrong number.

That's more than you usually get.

Especially on a Tuesday.

Men's wear.

Oh hello mother,

it's her.

Yes dear, me sewing basket is in the piano stool dear.

She's going to sew a button on my pajamas.

Now me pajamas are in me teddy bear.

Well it zips up the back.

She can't find me teddy bear.

It's in my canopied bed peeping over the sheets.

Oh and listen if you're going to put the stew

in the oven for goodness sake take me slippers out.

All right, bye, yes of course I shall be a good boy.

That's a funny place to keep you pajamas isn't it,

inside a teddy bear?

Well where do you keep yours?

Inside my basil brush.

No Mr. Rumbold, Captain Peacock isn't here yet.

Yes I'll ask him to wait.

Morning.

Good god,

I have a ten o'clock appointment

with Mr. Rumbold.

Oh yes, yes, he's expecting you but he's been delayed

in the boardroom.

Apparently young Mr. Grace has fallen asleep

and they're waiting for him to wake up to adjourn

the board meeting.

You're new here aren't you?

Well I used to work on young Mr. Grace's personal staff

but after his last heart attack well,

his doctor decided on a change.

I'm not surprised.

Well, you seem awfully young to be a Captain.

Ah thank you, how old do you think I am?

Oh about 55?

You mad?

Well they didn't make my father a ship's captain

until he was 60.

I was in the army, I'm considerably younger than that.

Oh, you look much younger.

And besides I like your mustache,

it's very David Nivenish.

Yes it has been mentioned before.

♫ Lookin' for the sunsh...

Hello, am I interrupting anything?

Not a thing, I'm just waiting to see Mr. Rumbold.

On the carpet are ya?

Certainly not.

What are you here for then?

That has nothing to do with you now put that down

and get about your business.

You have no jurisdiction over me, I am Manual

and Maintenance, you can not tell me to get out

of this office, there is only one person what can tell me

to get out of this office and until the that person

tells me to get out of this office, in this office

I will shall stay.

Mr. Harmon, get out.

Here, he's chatting up your bird.

Now Peacock, thank you for dropping in.

Shall I sit down sir?

No, no, no, I shan't keep you long.

This is FYEO meeting.

A what sir?

FYEO, for your ears only.

Now Peacock, Peacock?

Oh yes.

To put it in a nutshell, I'm going.

Oh congratulations sir and goodbye.

The rumor was Harrod's barbershop, is there anything in it?

Will you let me finish my sentence?

I am going for one month on a sales and managerial seminar

to Swansea and the reason for the board meeting

was to decide who should take over here which is why

I sent for you.

Well I shall of course endeavor

to give every satisfaction.

Are you taking your secretary with you?

No, I'm leaving her here.

Oh well she'll be able to show me where everything is.

Why should she show you where everything is?

When I take over the reigns.

But you're not taking over the reigns, Peacock.

What am I standing here for then?

I sent for you to tell you that Mr. Grainger

is taking over.

Mr. Grainger!

Don't get upset, you are of course the natural heir

to the throne so to speak and you will ultimately

take over in ten, fifteen or twenty years time.

I must rush home and tell Mrs. Peacock.

But just for one month we're putting Grainger here.

It'll qualify him for a higher pension

and there's absolutely nothing to do.

I know that.

Because I've done it all, the point is, it will appear

as if he's being promoted over your head which of course

is not the case.

Isn't it?

No you and I know the truth but we can't tell anyone else.

Oh I understand, well he's a very dear personal friend

of mine and so it'll be something for him to look back on

in his declining years.

May I have the pleasure of tell him myself?

No, I'm afraid you can't, that would give

the whole show away.

No, no, I will tell him

and you will look suitably surprised.

Speaking personally, I never have any trouble

in getting up in the morning.

My pussy's just like an alarm clock.

Every morning at 6:15, it drops it's clockwork mouse

on me pillow and it won't give over not until

I've wound it up and had a game under the bed.

Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms, are you free?

At the moment Captain Peacock.

Come along Miss Brahms.

Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas are you free?

Yes we're free Captain Peacock.

Oh yes we are, yes we are, we are, we are free

Mr. Humphries yes.

Mind you five minutes ago we wouldn't have been free,

would we Mr. Humphries?

We would not have been free, no Mr. Lucas.

But we are free now.

Mind you in two minutes I won't be free.

Why not Mr. Lucas?

Because it's my coffee break.

It will not be anybody's coffee break until I say so.

Must be frightening to have so much power

mustn't it Mr. Humphries?

Let's hope he uses it for good.

Now what I have to say concerns you all.

Excuse me sir, Mr. Grainger is not here.

Well where is he?

Good heaven, he's not asleep is he?

Of course he's not asleep, is he Mr. Lucas?

No, indeed he is not.

He's carrying out an investigation.

We thought we had a bit of woodworm and

he's listening to see if they're chewing through his drawers.

The first crunch he'll leap into action.

Get him over here Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Grainger, are you free?

Uh yes, yes.

Mr. Lucas has been telling us about the woodworm

in your drawers.

Impertinent monkey.

I have to announce that I'm going away for one month

on a sales and management conference.

Are you sir, really, good gracious me,

what a surprise.

During my absence someone will have to take over

my management function in the office and there has been

board meeting this morning to decide on who should be

my temporary successor.

Good gracious, how exciting, I wonder who it can be?

You don't pretend you don't know, it's bound to be you.

As a matter of fact it is not Captain Peacock.

What?

It is in fact Mr. Ernest Grainger.

No.

I wasn't asleep over there you know.

Congratulations.

On what, not being asleep?

No.

You're going to be the manager, he's just said so.

What me?

The manager?

I must say it comes as a complete surprise.

Well I think that's everything,

get all your things together, pop into the office

and I'll put you into the picture.

Yes of course.

Let me be the first to congratulate you Ernest.

Thank you Steven.

Well, go to the foot of our stairs.

It's discrimination, everyone knows

it should have been you.

Oh no, you have to have one foot in the grave

before you move here.

- Well at least Mrs. Slocombe your eligible.

If I was in that office you wouldn't be out here

for five minutes.

Well I know you'd have me inside there for a quick chat

and a cuddle wouldn't ya?

Now come on, off you go and don't forget

your spare teeth.

Will you take over while I'm away please Mr. Humphries?

Be a pleasure Mr. Grainger.

Hey would you be kind enough to telephone Mrs. Grainger

and break the news to her?

You can do that yourself, you've got a phone

in your office.

Oh yes, of course, I've got an office haven't I?

Yes, yes I can't quite get used to it.

Mr. Grainger,

you won't need that in there.

Oh no, would you care to use it

while I'm away Mr. Humphries?

A great honor Mr. Grainger, just think of the thousands

of inside legs that that's done.

I'll see you later,

it's very exciting, isn't it?

Glass of water for Captain Peacock.

I do not require a glass of water.

But I do, it's been a great shock to me.

You know, I thought you'd get anything that

was going in that office.

Especially that new secretary.

You're taking it so calm.

You know if it was me, I'd be tearing me hair out.

Well that shouldn't take you long.

That thin bit at the back is where the pillow rubs.

The rest is growing lush and rampant.

It may seem strange that Mr. Grainger has been promoted

over my head but there is a reason why.

Oh can we all have a guess?

My lips are sealed.

We don't need to guess, he wasn't up to the job

and he's trying to cover it up.

Oh yes, you men are all alike.

Mr. Slocombe was just the same.

Do you know every morning at 9:30 prompt he went

out of the house with his briefcase and his rolled umbrella

and he didn't even have a job.

I found him in the park feeding the ducks.

What did he say to you when you questioned him?

He didn't say anything, he just went...

Hello, can I have a word with Mr. Rumbold please?

- But he's not here Mr. Grace, Mr. Grainger took over

before, before lunch.

Oh yes, yes, so he did, I remember now,

I'll speak to him then.

Oh he's still in the chief accountants office,

Mr. Patel.

Doing what?

Asking for a raise.

He's got the right idea then,

he'll be asking for first class fares next.

He's already done that.

Aren't you the girl that used to work in my office?

Yes I am Mr. Grace.

♫ Be lookin for the sunshine, everybody

Mr. Harmon.

Hey,

How many times have I told you not to walk across

the sales floor when the store is open?

I'm sorry Captain Peacock, but we've run out of helium

in the cellar.

What's that got to do with it?

Well if I filled a balloon with it

I could have floated across the floor.

Because across the floor I have to go.

Wines and spirits are on the ground floor.

This happens to be the executive drinks trolley

and was ordered by the new departmental head,

Mr. Ernest Grainger whose already snapped me off once

for not delivering it before lunch so if you'll excuse me.

♫ Rollin' round the

Ooh, say I heard that, I do hope Mr. Grainger doesn't get

into trouble for ordering that.

Well perhaps he's gonna hold a celebration party?

Oh it's quite in order just one of the perks

of his position.

Captain Peacock I wonder if I could have your permission

to leave the floor shortly?

I wish to ask Mr. Grainger for some time off.

Me roots need doing.

I meant to mention that to ya.

Certainly Mrs. Slocombe but after me, I too have one

or two things at home that need my attention

and I may have to leave early.

Of course it's the Chelsea-Fulholm

replay tonight isn't it?

I must say it's useful to have a friend in the camp.

I've always found that to be the case.

- Well perhaps Mr. Humphries and I could ask

for a temporary raise.

What for?

Well on account of the fact there's only two of us

on that counter doing all the extra work.

Yes that's true but on the other hand,

you are sharing Mr. Grainger's commission and therefore

it could be said that you're better off.

What commission, we've only had two customers all day.

Ah yes, well I mean all the same, there are two of us

pretending and looking as though we're doing

the work of three.

Yes but I don't think we ought to take advantage

of Mr. Grainger's good nature.

Men's wear.

Oh hello Mr. Grainger, how are you, it's Mr. Humphries.

Do you know we do miss you, yes of course I will.

Captain Peacock would you go in please?

Good I told him I wanted to see him after lunch.

All right don't drown me!

And get that skirt altered.

Oh how much longer Mr. Grainger?

Make it shorter.

See who that is.

It's Captain Peacock.

Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, oh yes, yes,

I have an appointment with him.

All right send him in.

Mr. Grainger will see you now.

Ah Steven,

how've you been keeping?

Well Ernest since this morning I haven't changed

very much.

Well don't stand on ceremony Steven, do sit down.

Thank you Ernest.

Do you smoke?

Yes indeed.

Have a cigarette.

I can't offer you a drink because it's not allowed

for junior staff.

Now what can I do for you?

Well it's really very trivial Ernest but there is

a slight domestic crisis and so if it's all the same to you

I'll be leaving about an hour early tonight.

An hour early, oh no, oh no, oh no, no, no, no, no, no.

Do I take it you're refusing my request?

It isn't just me Steven, I have to think

of the whole of Grace Brothers, time's are very hard.

Just pass the whiskey?

Yes, costs are going up and margins are going down.

Yes, well half an hour early then?

No, I'd like to help you if I could Steven

but I'm afraid not.

No, well, carry on with the good work out to there.

We have a great appreciation of you here

at Grace Brother's you know.

Steven.

Yes Mr. Grainger.

Put that cigarette out before you go on the floor.

Did you get the time off then?

No I suddenly remembered that it wasn't this Tuesday.

Was it next Tuesday?

No, actually I don't need it until Mr. Rumbold comes back.

Oh excuse me Captain Peacock, may I go in now?

With pleasure Mrs. Slocombe.

No need to bother, he's comin' out to see you.

Afternoon Mr. Grainger.

Good afternoon Mr. Humphries.

- Good afternoon Mr. Grainger, hey what's it like

at the top then hey?

May I see both your sales books please?

Our sales books?

Mr. Rumbold never asked to see our sales books.

I am not Mr. Rumbold, your sales books please.

Ernest, may I have a word in your shell-like ear?

No, go back to your counter.

Don't you order me back to my counter.

Whether you go back to your counter or go upstairs

for your cards is entirely up to you Mrs. Slocombe.

I'll go back to my counter.

As long as you humor him, he hasn't heard the last of this.

Down on your usual total Mr. Humphries.

Without your support Mr. Grainger, it's only

to be expected.

Yes, Mr. Lucas.

So very messy,

figures not clear, handwriting bad,

must do better.

I'm sorry Mr. Grainger, shall I take a hundred lines?

Mr. Lucas, you might be cheeky to me when I was over there

but you will not be cheeky to me when I'm standing here.

You wouldn't think that moving from there to there

could change a man's personality?

I don't know.

You know, I was in the Navy for a week or two.

One night I went ashore wearing the Captain's cap.

You should have heard the commotion that caused.

Did it fool anybody?

Well it would have done if I'd been

wearing the trousers.

You wanted a word with me Mrs. Slocombe.

Oh yes Mr. Grainger, I wondered could I have an hour off

in the morning for a hairdressing appointment,

my roots need retouching.

I'm sorry Mrs. Slocombe, but not in the firm's time.

Well it grows in the firm's time.

The answer is no Mrs. Slocombe.

Half an hour?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Well when am I gonna get it done then you silly old goat?

You will have plenty of time next week, Mrs. Slocombe.

You're discharged.

Discharged?

Discharged, yes.

And the rest of you had better be on the time

tomorrow morning or there will be a few more vacancies.

Morning Mrs. Slocombe, I'm surprised at you being early

considering you've been fired.

I only came in early because I want a word

with young Mr. Grace.

I see he's frightened you to coming in early

for a change.

Don't be ridiculous, I have to get up early

otherwise the sparrows peck at me gold top.

Well isn't anyone gonna ask me why I'm early?

All right, why are you early?

I haven't been to bed yet.

We haven't signed the book.

Well I'm glad to see that you are just on time

this morning.

Good morning Mr. Grainger.

Shall I take your coat Mr. Grainger?

And may I compliment you on your executive bowler?

You may Mrs. Slocombe it won't do you any good.

Will you keep your outdoor shoes on Mr. Grainger

or would you like me to crawl off and find you

a pair of slippers?

Oh good morning Ernest, I grabbed a quick cup of coffee

at Bepoe's.

You are late, in spite of my warning, you are late.

It's a cue?

I shall make an adverse report on you in your record.

Now all of you started very badly with me yesterday

and you better pull your socks up today or

there's going to be some fur flying, understand?

Yes.

Who's this arriving late?

It's Mr. Rumbold.

I thought he was away.

Morning Mr. Rumbold.

Mr. Rumbold.

The main water tank burst flooding the whole building

so they called off the seminar and I've returned

to resume my normal duties, carry on everybody.

Mr. Rumbold what about me?

Well carry on as normal, behind the counter.

Now come on, blow.

I've been a fool, I turned my back on my lifelong friend.

Power went to my head you know.

Pass the sugar would you please?

I did mean it for the best you know?

I wouldn't have sacked you Mrs. Slocombe, you know that.

Of course you do.

And I wouldn't have made a report on you Steven,

not after all our years of companionship.

I'm not being sent to Coventry am I?

Oh I am.

Oh well,

coffee is bad for the heart anyway,

especially an empty, broken heart.

I can't stand it anymore.

We all agreed, but we all agreed he must

be taught a lesson.

But I feel so sorry for him, the rotten old bastard.

Supposing something dreadful happens to him

on the way downstairs and none of us will have had

the chance to say we're sorry?

Well perhaps he has suffered enough.

Well I know I have.

I'll have to make it up to 'im.

You'll have a job making that hat up.

And that coat with the fur collar he paid for that

out of his holiday money.

Don't make it worse, oh.

Your roots do need doing.

Oh let's all go and apologize.

Look we have nothing to apologize for,

he started it.

Look we all say that we forgive him and that

we're all prepared to let bygones be bygones.

Ah, glad I've caught you all, I've just told Grainger

there's been another change of plan,

it seems they've found a hotel in Edinburgh

so they're reconvening the seminar there.

So it's all as you were with Mr. Grainger in charge.

You're late, you're five minutes late all of you.

I'm sorry Mr. Grainger.

- We were talking to Mr. Rumbold Mr. Grainger.

I don't want any excuses, I want to see you

in my office right away, understand, right away.

Well don't all look so miserable, I was going

to offer you a drink.

corrected by 7kozlov - www.myfbs.ru -

♫ Ground floor perfumeries

♫ Stationary and leather goods

♫ Wigs, haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and foods

♫ Going up ♫ First floor telephones, gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, suits, ties hats

♫ Underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor carpets, travel good and bedding

♫ Materials, soft furnishings, restaurants and ties

♫ Going down