Original subtitles

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

OY, 'ERE,

I'VE GOT HALF A DOZEN PAIRS OF WELLIES HERE. WHERE DO YOU WANT 'EM?

LEAVE THEM UNTIL MR. GROSSMAN ARRIVES. LET HIM DECIDE.

- GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK. - GOOD MORNING, LADIES.

OH, IT'S POURING WITH RAIN.

I'VE RUINED MY SHOES.

YOU WON'T HAVE FAR TO GO TO BUY A NEW PAIR.

MR. GRACE HAS DECREED THAT A SECTION OF THE SHOE DEPARTMENT

SHALL BE PHASED IN ON OUR FLOOR.

I HOPE MR. GRACE REALIZES THAT WE'RE LOSING

OUR MOST IMPORTANT POINT OF DISPLAY.

- THE SALES WILL DROP. - YEAH, AND WE WAS GOING TO HAVE AN EXHIBITION

OF HONEYMOON NIGHTIES THIS WEEK, WEREN'T WE, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

FROM WHAT I CAN REMEMBER OF MY HONEYMOON, THAT SHOULDN'T TAKE UP MUCH ROOM.

GOOD MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE. GOOD MORNING, MISS BRAHMS.

- MORNING. - LOOK AT THESE.

AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?

IF YOU SAW THE PRICE THEY'RE ASKING AT LALLY AND WILLETS

YOU WOULDN'T DARE TO TRY THEM ON.

FEEL THE LEATHER.

A SNIP AT £45.

TO YOU £12.50.

HOW DO I DO IT, YOU ASK.

THEY'RE SECONDS.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I HOPE MR. GROSSMAN

ISN'T GOING TO BE SELLING LADIES SHOES.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I'VE BEEN SELLING LADIES SHOES ALL MY LIFE.

YOU WOULDN'T SELL A PAIR TO ME.

NO LADY WOULD ALLOW A STRANGE MAN TO BE IN A POSITION

WHERE HE CAN HAVE A PEEK-A-BOO WHEN SHE'S TRYING SOMETHING ON.

IF YOU'RE UPSET, PLEASE, YOU SELL THE LADIES SHOES.

I'M NOT SURE THAT I APPROVE OF THAT.

DOES MRS. SLOCOMBE KNOW HOW TO SELL SHOES?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WHEN ONE IS A SALESPERSON,

ONE CAN SELL ANYTHING.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

YOU WON'T MIND DEMONSTRATING ON MISS BRAHMS.

MR. HARMAN, THE CHAIR. MISS BRAHMS.

- CARRY ON, MRS. SLOCOMBE. - RIGHT.

GOOD MORNING, MADAM. ARE YOU BEING SERVED?

I'D LIKE A PAIR OF SHOES, PLEASE.

OH, AND HAS MADAM SEEN ANYTHING THAT CAUGHT HER EYE?

- WELL... - THE LADY WOULD LIKE A PAIR OF SHOES

NOT TOO HIGH AND NOT TOO LOW,

IN A COLOR THAT WILL GO WITH ANYTHING,

THAT WILL LOOK SMART IN THE EVENING

AND THAT SHE CAN ALSO WEAR IN DAYTIME.

I SEE.

AND WHAT SIZE?

ITALIAN 36. THE LADY DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS IN ENGLISH.

WOULD MADAM KINDLY REMOVE HER SHOE,

OR WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR GRANDFATHER TO DO IT FOR YOU?

( groans )

MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH... I DIDN'T REALIZE WE HAD ONE.

OH.

( gasps )

WHY DON'T YOU USE A SHOEHORN?

- WHERE IS IT? - OVER HERE.

♪ HI HO, HEY HO IT'S OFF TO WORK... ♪

THERE, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THE COLOR.

I'LL TAKE THEM.

THERE, PERFECTLY SIMPLE.

MADAM WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THEM IN THE BOX, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

( groans )

WELL, OF COURSE,

IF YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT PALAVER

JUST TO SELL A CHEAP PAIR OF SHOES,

- I'LL STICK TO ME UNDERWEAR. - THE WAY YOU WAS WALKING, I THOUGHT YOU HAD.

BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, I'VE GOT TO USE THIS

BECAUSE MY MOTHER'S GOT MY RAINCOAT TO QUEUE UP FOR HER DISABILITY PENSION.

I BORROWED IT OFF A VERY NICE GIRL PUNK ROCKER WHO LIVES NEXT DOOR.

IT WAS HER BRIDAL GOWN.

DON'T TELL ME SHE GOT MARRIED IN THAT.

MARRIED? SHE LIVED IN IT FOR A WEEK WITH THE GROOM

BEFORE THEY FOUND SOMEWHERE TO SQUAT.

YOU KNOW MR. GROSSMAN.

OH YES. HOW DO YOU DO?

HE WILL ALSO BE ASSISTING ON YOUR COUNTER.

PERHAPS YOU'LL BE GOOD ENOUGH TO SHOW HIM THE ROPES.

OF COURSE. CAPTAIN PEACOCK, MR. GROSSMAN,

WOULD YOU MIND TAKING A CORNER EACH?

- IF YOU INSIST, MR. HUMPHRIES. - THANK YOU. GOING DOWN.

WILL YOU BE GOING HOME IN THAT?

I SHOULD THINK NOT. NOT AFTER MY EXPERIENCE ON THE TUBE.

I FELL ASLEEP AND SOMEBODY REPORTED ME AS A DANGEROUS PARCEL.

I WOKE UP AT QUEENSWAY TO FIND A SERGEANT MAJOR

IN THE ROYAL ENGINEERS TRYING TO TAKE MY FUSE OUT.

- MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE? - LADIES, PLEASE.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO WELCOME YOUR NEW ASSISTANT

TO THIS DEPARTMENT, MR. SPOONER.

I AM SURE YOU ARE ALL AWARE THAT MR. SPOONER HAS ALREADY SERVED TIME

IN THE PAINT DEPARTMENT, BEDDING AND SPORTS.

NOW, YOU'LL BE UNDER MR. HUMPHRIES,

WHO'S UNDER MR. GROSSMAN, WHO'S UNDER CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I SEE, LIKE THE BOTTOM BUN ON A TRIPLE HAMBURGER.

PREFERABLY WITHOUT THE SAUCE.

CARRY ON, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

♪ ROLLING ROUND THE WORLD LOOKING FOR THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ NEVER SEEMS TO GO MY WAY. ♪

WHAT IS THAT, MR. HARMAN?

THIS IS A POINT-OF-SALE DISPLAY FOR THE WINTER WONDER WEATHERWORTHY WELLIES.

- DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS, MR. GROSSMAN? - LET ME EXPLAIN.

HERE WE HAVE A BIT OF SIMULATED BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE,

HI HEE, MUD.

HERE WE HAVE THE WELLIES WHICH IS GUARANTEED UNCONDITIONALLY

FOR FIVE YEARS AGAINST SEEPAGE AND LEAKAGE.

ON THE APPROACH OF A CUSTOMER ALL YOU DO IS SWITCH ON

AND THIS IS GUARANTEED TO ATTRACT ATTENTION THUS.

( squishing sound )

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I HOPE YOU DON'T EXPECT ME TO STAND HERE

TRYING TO SELL HONEYMOON NIGHTIES

WITH THAT NOISE GOING ON.

MR. SPOONER, PART OF OUR TABLE HAS BECOME DETACHED.

IT'S PROBABLY THE CLEANERS. GIVE ME A HAND TO MOVE IT UP, WILL YOU?

'ERE, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS TO THE MEANEST INTELLIGENCE

THAT I AM MOVING THIS TABLE TO THE SIDE OF THAT TABLE,

A POSITION, WHICH TO MY KNOWLEDGE,

IT HAS OCCUPIED FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS.

- PUT IT BACK. - I BEG YOUR PARDON?

- HAVE YOU GOT CLOTH EARS? - MADAM, I DO NOT LIKE THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE.

I DON'T LIKE THE COLOR OF YOUR MOUSTACHE, BUT I'M LEARNING TO LIVE WITH IT.

- PUT IT BACK. - I SHALL DO NO SUCH THING.

ALL RIGHT, I WILL.

MR. SPOONER? PUT IT BACK.

- IS THAT AN ORDER, CAPTAIN PEACOCK? - IT IS.

PLEASE NOTE, I AM OBEYING ORDERS.

FOR THIS REASON I HOPE YOU WILL NOT BE PUTTING YOUR FINGERS IN MY PLUM DUFF.

I AM ONLY GOING TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME.

I'M VERY GLAD TO HEAR IT.

NANCY! NANCY, COME AND GIVE ME A HAND.

I'M HAVING A BIT OF TROUBLE WITH THAT UPPITY ONE WITH THE MOTH-EATEN TASH.

NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, MONTGOMERY?

- ARE YOU ALL BEHIND ME? - All: YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

RIGHT, ON THE COUNT OF TWO.

ONE, TWO.

AH.

GLAD I'VE FOUND YOU ALL TOGETHER.

THE G.L.C. FIRE DEPARTMENT CAME ROUND YESTERDAY

AND THEY'VE INSTRUCTED US THAT THERE HAD TO BE A UNIFORM FIRE PASSAGE

BETWEEN ALL THE TABLES SO AS TO GAIN FREE ACCESS TO THE FIRE EXIT.

THEREFORE, YOUR TABLE HAS TO BE DIVIDED.

PEACOCK, COULD YOU MOVE YOUR TABLE A COUPLE OF FEET IN THIS DIRECTION?

- YES, SIR. - THANK YOU, SIR.

IF YOU'D JUST TOLD US THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE

LIKE ANY OTHER SENSIBLE CHIMPANZEE, WE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD ALL THIS BOTHER.

YOU REALLY PUT MY BACK UP.

OH YEAH? WHO PUT YOUR FRONT UP?

THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU. I'M UNDER A GREAT STRAIN COOKING FOR YOU LOT.

YOU'D BE UNDER A LOT MORE STRAIN IF YOU HAD TO EAT IT.

GOOD FOR YOU, MISS BRAHMS.

- THERE YOU ARE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK. - THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

JUST A MINUTE.

WHERE AM I GOING TO SIT?

YOU'D BETTER SIT OVER THERE.

I DON'T WANT TO SIT ALONE AT THAT TABLE

LIKE ONE WHAT'S BEEN "OSTRICH-SIZED."

MRS. SLOCOMBE, PLEASE TAKE MY SEAT.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NOWADAYS ONE SO RARELY FINDS

THAT OLD CONTINENTAL CHARM.

EXCEPT FROM OLD CONTINENTALS.

MR. GROSSMAN, WE CAN'T HAVE A SENIOR MEMBER

OF STAFF SITTING OVER THERE ALL BY HIMSELF.

COME AND SIT OVER HERE WITH US. I'LL GET YOU A CHAIR.

MR. SPOONER, AS YOU SIT CONTEMPLATING YOUR FISH AND CHIPS,

IT MUST BE OBVIOUS WHAT YOUR NEXT MOVE IS TO BE.

IT CERTAINLY IS, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MR. SPOONER, THAT IS NOT YOUR NEXT MOVE.

THAT IS YOUR NEXT MOVE.

'ERE, HAVE I BEEN BLACKBALLED?

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN THROWN OUT OF THE PAINT DEPARTMENT FOR SOME REASON.

WHY HAS MR. SPOONER BEEN BLACKBALLED?

BECAUSE THE FIREMAN WANTED A CLEAR PASSAGE.

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

MR. HUMPHRIES, IF YOU SIT ON THE FLOOR THERE ALL ALONE,

PEOPLE WILL START TALKING. WHY DON'T YOU SIT OVER THERE?

BECAUSE AS LONG AS I AM SITTING HERE I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OH, COME OVER HERE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WE CAN HOTCH UP.

WE CAN ALWAYS FIND ROOM FOR A LITTLE ONE,

MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU DO HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS.

OH!

OW, THERE'S SOMETHING STICKING IN ME.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, IT'S A DEMAND FROM THE TAX MAN BUT HE'S NOT GETTING IT.

HOW MUCH MONEY DOES HE WANT?

HE DOESN'T WANT ANY MONEY. IT'S JUST A DEMAND AND HE'S NOT GETTING IT.

- HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY PAPER? - YOU'RE SITTING ON IT, MR. GROSSMAN.

AM I? OH YES. AS LONG AS I KNOW WHERE IT IS.

IF YOU WAS IN CHINA YOU COULD READ IT LIKE THAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THERE WAS THIS ARTICLE IN THIS MAGAZINE

WHERE THEY IS TRAINING PEOPLE IN CHINA AND RUSSIA

TO READ BOOKS BY PUTTING THEM UNDER THEIR ARMS

AND THERE WAS A PICTURE OF SOMEONE READING

BY PUTTING THEIR ELBOWS ON THE WORDS.

YES, I READ THAT ARTICLE. IT SEEMS THAT WITH TRAINING,

PEOPLE COULD READ WITH ANY PART OF THEIR BODY.

MRS. SLOCOMBE WOULD BE GOOD AT THAT.

SHE COULD OPEN "THE TIMES," SIT ON IT AND READ TWO PAGES AT ONCE.

ANY MORE OF YOUR LIP AND I'LL HAVE YOU BANNED FROM THE CANTEEN.

'ERE, HAS ANYONE GOT A HAMMER? I CAN'T GET THIS FORK IN ME LIVER.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD TAKE TOO MUCH TIME OVER LUNCH.

YOUNG MR. GRACE WANTS TO INTRODUCE US TO HIS BROTHER, OLD MR. GRACE.

IS IT TRUE THAT YOUNG MR. GRACE IS RETIRING?

NO, NO, NO, HE'S NOT RETIRING.

I BELIEVE HE'S BEEN WRITING A BOOK ON ORNITHOLOGY.

HE'S COMPLETED HIS RESEARCH INTO MATING AND MIGRATION

AND NOW HE WANTS TO SPEND MORE TIME ON THE NEST.

- HAS ANYBODY SEEN HIS BROTHER? - NOT IN THE FLESH.

BUT A ROLLS-ROYCE AMBULANCE WITH BLACK WINDOWS DREW UP JUST BEFORE LUNCH.

AND DID MR. GRACE GET OUT OF THE BACK?

NO, HE WAS DRIVING IT. SIX DANCING GIRLS GOT OUT OF THE BACK.

I CAN HARDLY FEEL ANYTHING THERE.

I CAN HARDLY FEEL ANYTHING ANYWHERE.

EXCUSE ME NOT KNOCKING, MR. GRACE,

BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME WHEN I DO,

SO I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS WORTH THE TIME AND EFFORT IF I DID. SO I DIDN'T.

WHAT WAS THAT?

NOTHING, SIR.

THERE'S AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN OUTSIDE WHAT SAYS HE WANTS TO SEE YOU.

( woman screams )

YES, THAT'LL BE MY BROTHER. COME IN.

HELLO, HENRY.

I'M NOT HENRY, YOU'RE HENRY.

OH YES.

IS THAT WHERE I'M GOING TO SIT, I SUPPOSE?

- YES, THAT'S RIGHT. - WHERE DOES MY SECRETARY SIT?

ON YOUR KNEE, YOU FOOL.

THIS IS YOUR SECRETARY, SIR.

ONE OWNER SINCE NEW, COMPLETELY RUN IN, VERY SPORTY,

CAPABLE OF HIGH SPEEDS IF YOU PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. AND SHE'S ALL YOURS.

AND THIS YOUNG LADY IS YOUR NURSE. THERE'S HER BELL ON THE DESK.

AND WHEN YOU GIVE HER A SIGNAL SHE COMES RUNNING.

AND THE DAY SHE GIVES A SIGNAL WE ALL COME RUNNING.

- ( knocking ) - OH, IT'S THE DOOR.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, THE STAFF FROM THE CLOTHING DEPARTMENT.

- SEND THEM IN. - PLEASE, COME IN.

Young Mr. Grace: YOU DO THE HONORS, RUMBOLD.

- THIS IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK. - GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.

I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT YOU FROM MY BROTHER.

- THIS IS MR. GROSSMAN. - GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.

I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT YOU FROM MY BROTHER.

THANK YOU.

- THIS IS MR. HUMPHRIES. - HELLO.

I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT YOU FROM MY BROTHER,

BUT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD OF IT.

THIS IS MRS. SLOCOMBE. SHE'S MADE A BIG MARK IN THE LADIES.

DON'T DO IT AGAIN.

THIS IS MISS BRAHMS, A SUNNY, FRIENDLY PERSONALITY

WHO SHOWS A GREAT DEAL OF PROMISE.

YES, BUT IT'D NEVER BEEN FULFILLED.

THIS IS SPOONER.

WHO HAS A SARCASTIC PERSONALITY AND SHOWS NO PROMISE WHATEVER.

THAT'S ABOUT IT, SIR.

MR. GRACE. MR. GRACE?

- YOU'VE DROPPED OFF, SIR. - EH?

- DROPPED OFF. - OFF? WHAT DROPPED?

YOUR BROTHER HAS NOW MET ALL THE STAFF, SIR.

IN THAT CASE I CAN GO.

MAKE WAY FOR MR. GRACE. HOLD THE DOOR, DON'T GET IN HIS WAY.

GIVE HIM PLENTY OF AIR. COME ALONG NOW.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, DON'T MAKE SO MUCH FUSS.

I'M NOT THE EMPEROR OF CHINA.

YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.

COME ALONG, MR. GRACE.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

THERE'S THE PAJAMAS, MADAM.

AND IF YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T GET COMPLETE SATISFACTION

DON'T HESITATE TO BRING THEM BACK.

NOW, WHERE WAS I?

YOU HAD A FUNNY SHAKY FEELING SO YOU WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR.

OH YES, WELL, AFTER A RIGOROUS EXAMINATION,

HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU,"

WHICH SURPRISED ME SO I ASKED FOR A SECOND OPINION.

- DID YOU GET ONE? - FROM THE WINDOW CLEANER,

BUT WE CLOSED THE CURTAINS AND IGNORED HIM.

SO, ANYWAY, HE SENT ME TO SEE THIS

PSYCHIATRIST, YOU SEE, IN THE SAME BUILDING.

AS SOON AS I WENT THROUGH THE DOOR HE SAID, "LIE ON THE COUCH

AND TELL ME THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND."

I SAID, "DO YOU MIND CLOSING THOSE CURTAINS?

I'M SICK OF THE SIGHT OF THAT WINDOW CLEANER."

DID HE FIND OUT WHAT YOUR PROBLEM WAS?

NOT EXACTLY, BUT WE'VE TRACKED DOWN HIS.

WE'RE HAVING DINER TONIGHT TO DISCUSS IT.

OH!

JUST FEEL MY HAND, IT'S GONE ALL CLAMMY.

NO, I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.

I THINK I SHALL HAVE TO SIT DOWN.

MR. SPOONER, DO YOU MIND HELPING ME TO THAT CHAIR?

OH, I SAY.

GET ME A PAIR OF Y-FRONTS.

- WHAT SIZE? - ANY SIZE.

THANK YOU.

MR. SPOONER, WHY IS MR. HUMPHRIES SITTING DOWN

AND FANNING HIMSELF WITH A COUPLE OF Y-FRONTS?

HE'S COME OVER PECULIAR.

I HEARD ABOUT THIS,

BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS WAS THE FORM IT TOOK.

HE HAS FAINTED. GET A DOCTOR.

- OH, MISS BRAHMS, GET ON THE PHONE. - YES.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW, MR. HUMPHRIES?

I FEEL PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT BUT I'VE GOT A FUNNY LUMP COMING UP ON MY NOSE.

MR. HUMPHRIES HAS TO STAY HERE

UNTIL THE DOCTOR'S COMPLETED THE BLOOD TESTS.

WILL IT TAKE LONG?

THEY TOOK A LOT OF BLOOD.

I HAVE TO GO HOME NOW,

BUT I'VE GIVEN MR. HARMAN INSTRUCTIONS

TO LET THE DOCTOR IN WHEN HE ARRIVES.

IF YOU'RE FEELING GROGGY, I SUGGEST YOU TAKE A TAXI.

- THANK YOU. - AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE, OF COURSE.

I CAN'T FIND HIS PULSE.

ALLOW ME.

YES, THAT SEEMS ALL RIGHT.

HIS WRIST'S A BIT LIMP BUT HIS HEART'S STILL GOING.

OH, HIS FOREHEAD'S VERY WARM.

HIS NOSE IS COLD.

HIS HAIR IS A BIT LIFELESS.

IT'S A SIGN OF POOR HEALTH.

HE'S PROBABLY GOT DISTEMPER. BETTER GET YOUR BOB MARTINS.

- ( knocks ) - COME IN.

I WON'T COME IN ANY FARTHER, SIR.

THE DOCTOR'S HERE. HE'S GOT THE RESULT OF THE BLOOD TEST.

IS HE LOOKING HOPEFUL?

IT'S HARD TO TELL.

DON'T BE ALARMED. JUST A FEW ELEMENTARY PRECAUTIONS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?

THE PATIENT HAS CONTRACTED A RATHER RARE MALADY

KNOWN AS MARINES' DISEASE.

MARINES' DISEASE? IS IT CATCHING?

IT'S NEVER BEEN KNOWN TO BE FATAL BUT IT DOES HAVE SOME RATHER NASTY SIDE EFFECTS

IF YOU DON'T GET TO GRIPS WITH IT QUICKLY.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT YOU.

AH, DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE THAT BUMP ON YOUR NOSE?

- OF COURSE NOT. - THAT'S ONE OF THE FIRST SYMPTOMS OF THE FIRST STAGE.

- HAVE YOU BEEN SNEEZING A LOT? - NO.

THEN YOU'VE GOT THE SNEEZING TO COME. THAT'S THE SECOND STAGE.

NOW, THE TROUBLE IS THAT ANYBODY WHO'S BEEN IN CONTACT

WITH THE PATIENT WILL HAVE TO BE ISOLATED.

BUT WE'VE ALL BEEN IN CONTACT WITH HIM.

WE'LL HAVE TO SEAL OFF THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT AND YOU'LL ALL HAVE TO BE ISOLATED

UNTIL THE MEDICAL OFFICER OF HEALTH GIVES YOU THE ALL CLEAR.

BUT AT 7:00 TONIGHT MY PUSSY'S EXPECTING TO SEE A FRIENDLY FACE.

- HOW LONG ARE WE TO BE ISOLATED? - ABOUT SEVEN DAYS.

JUST HOW DO YOU GET THIS MARINES' DISEASE?

I KNEW SOMEBODY WOULD ASK THAT QUESTION SOONER OR LATER.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MARINES, IN FACT, IT COMES FROM SMALL SHELLFISH.

I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY HANDS OFF THOSE WINKLES LAST NIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MR. HARMAN?

AS PER DOCTOR'S ORDERS. SEEING AS HOW THEY COULDN'T GO TO HOSPITAL,

I'VE JUST DECONTAMINATED THE LIFT SO THEY CAN BE

TAKEN TO THEIR QUARTERS WHERE THEY CAN ALL BE ISOLATED.

THEY WERE QUITE RELIEVED WHEN THEY HEARD THEY WEREN'T GOING TO HOSPITAL.

THEY WON'T BE SO RELIEVED WHEN THEY HEAR WHERE THEY'RE GOING.

- WHERE'D THEY GOT TO? - THEY'RE BURNING THEIR CLOTHES IN THE INCINERATOR

AND PUTTING ON THEIR ANTISEPTIC DISPOSABLE SLEEPWEAR.

COR BLIMEY, THE LAST TIME I SAW A SIGHT LIKE THAT

THE KEEPER WAS FEEDING THEM WITH A BUCKET OF FISH AT THE PENGUIN POOL.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

MR. GRACE DID CONSIDER SENDING YOU TO THE BOARDROOM.

OH, THAT SOUNDS QUITE NICE.

BUT HE COULDN'T FIND THE KEY TO THE DRINKS CABINET.

OH, HE NEEDN'T HAVE BOTHERED TO OPEN THAT FOR US.

HE WANTED TO LOCK IT.

- Peacock: SO WHERE ARE WE GOING? - THE BEDDING STORE.

WELL, AT LEAST THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF DECENT BEDS.

RIGHT, FOLLOW ME.

THESE MUST BE OUR QUARTERS THROUGH HERE.

OH NO, THAT'S THE LOO.

WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE GOING, MR. HARMAN?

- HE'S CLOSING THE DOOR. - HERE, HANG ON.

HARMAN, HARMAN, OPEN THAT DOOR AT ONCE! HARMAN.

THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS. YOU'VE GOT TO BE ISOLATED AND ISOLATED YOU IS.

- WE CAN'T STAY IN HERE. - LIGHTS OUT 10:00.

I'LL BE ROUND IN THE MORNING WITH A CUPPA.

- BUT WHERE ARE THE BEDS? - THAT'S IT OVER THERE.

A KING-SIZED WATERBED.

RETURNED BY AN ARAB SHEIK

BECAUSE IT WAS TOO BIG A STRAIN ON HIS OASIS.

- WHAT ABOUT OUR DINNER? - OH YEAH. I'LL SHOVE IT THOUGH THIS LITTLE HOLE.

IT'LL BE NARROW BUT NOURISHING.

- COME BACK, MR. HARMAN. - OPEN THIS DOOR.

WELL, WHAT I SAY IS IF WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO STAY HERE,

WE MIGHT AS WELL MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

CHEERS.

IF WE REMAIN HERE FOR A WEEK,

I'M DETERMINED I'M NOT GOING TO GET IT.

WE'LL DRINK TO THAT, MR. GRACE.

( knocking )

AHEM, EXCUSE ME, MR. GRACE.

HOW ARE THEY GETTING ON DOWN IN THE BASEMENT?

THEY WAS HAMMERING ON THE DOOR FOR ABOUT AN HOUR

THEN I GAVE THEM ALL CHICKEN CURRY AND PRUNES.

I SEE.

IS IT ALL QUIET DOWN THERE NOW?

AS QUIET AS CAN BE EXPECTED UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

WELL, LET US FACE IT. IT'S A CALLOUS ACT

AND A GROSS VIOLATION OF OUR FREEDOM,

BUT WE ARE HERE FOR THE NIGHT.

BUT WHERE ARE WE GOING TO SLEEP?

WELL, SPEAKING FOR MYSELF, AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THIS,

MISS BRAHMS AND ME ARE NOT SPENDING THE NIGHT

AND SHARING A BED WITH FOUR MEN.

YEAH, ESPECIALLY WHEN ONE OF THEM'S HIM.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL OF US WHEN I SAY

THAT THE SIGHT OF YOU IN THAT DOESN'T EXACTLY SEND THE BLOOD

SURGING LIKE FIRE THROUGH MY VEINS.

YOU COULD, OF COURSE, TAKE THE FLOOR, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

ON THE OTHER HAND, IF WE HAVE TO SHARE,

THEN I BAGS THE OUTSIDE AND YOU BE NEXT TO ME, MR. HUMPHRIES.

MR. HUMPHRIES, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.

YOU'RE AGITATING IT.

I AM DOING NOTHING OF THE KIND.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I DON'T OFTEN ASK THIS BUT WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING MY HAND?

OH, THAT'S BETTER.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO STAY VERY STILL IN THE NIGHT.

I USUALLY DO.

COME ON, MISS BRAHMS, YOU GET IN NEXT TO ME.

COME ON, EVERYBODY. ALL THE REST OF YOU, GET IN. THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU ON THE END, MR. SPOONER.

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

SCOOT IN SO I CAN GET MY LEGS THROUGH THERE.

COME ALONG, MR. GROSSMAN, GET ON.

SPOONER, OVER HERE. DOWN THERE.

HOLD ON... HOLD ON TO THE BACK.

HOLD ON TO THE BACK. HANG ON.

NOW THEN. NOW THEN.

EVERYBODY... EVERYBODY EASE DOWN

VERY SLOWLY INTO THE BED.

THERE. SLOWLY.

CAREFUL, CAREFUL.

THERE WE ARE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, WHERE'S YOUR FOOT?

I'VE RATHER LOST TRACK OF THEM, MR. HUMPHRIES.

TRY WIGGLING YOUR RIGHT BIG TOE.

NO. YOUR LEFT ONE.

( giggling )

YOU'LL HAVE TO MOVE IT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

- NOT VERY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK. - ARE YOU A BAD SAILOR?

WELL, PUT IT LIKE THIS,

EVEN WHEN I'M WATCHING...

"TRIANGLE" I HAVE TO TAKE SEASICK PILLS.

WELL, DON'T WE ALL?

HANG ON, I THINK IT'S GOING DOWN.

NOW THEN... NOW THEN, EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY LIE QUITE STILL

AND BREATHE VERY SLOWLY.

IN, OUT.

IN, OUT.

OXFORD ARE LEADING BY TWO LENGTHS.

BE QUIET, MR. SPOONER. IN...

I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP WITH THE LIGHT ON.

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO

BECAUSE MY CURRY WON'T STAND ONE MORE WAVE.

WE'VE GOT ANOTHER PROBLEM. I CAN FEEL PHASE TWO COMING ON.

- NOT THE SNEEZES. - I'M AFRAID SO.

I'VE GOT AN ITCHY NOSE AND ALL.

- FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT. - ( sneezes )

( all sneezing )

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS, TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS, RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪