All language subtitles for Are You Being Served S07E08 The Punch and Judy Affair.DVDRip.HI.cc.en

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

- GOOD MORNING, PEACOCK.
- GOOD MORNING, SIR.

I'M AFRAID THE CLEANERS
ARE STILL ON STRIKE.

I THOUGHT YOUR PEOPLE
WERE COMING IN EARLY

- TO GET THE PLACE CLEARED UP.
- THEY'RE HERE ALREADY, SIR.

THEY'RE CHANGING
INTO SUITABLE ATTIRE.

AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. RUMBOLD.

WELL DONE, MR. GOLDBERG.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

IT'S TOO BAD, YOU KNOW.

THEY'VE NICKED THE
VACUUM CLEANER.

Peacock: JUST DO THE
TREADS OF THE STAIRS.

YOU CAN DO THE MAIN CARPET
DURING THE COFFEE BREAK.

AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

SAME AS ALWAYS...
TELL US WHAT TO DO.

I SHALL TAKE CARE
OF MY OWN AREA.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

WOULD YOU MIND BISSELLING
IN ANOTHER DIRECTION?

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I'M A MARRIED
MAN. I'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.

NOT AT THIS TIME IN THE MORNING,

NOT FROM THAT ANGLE,
AND NOT THIS ONE!

MR. HUMPHRIES, TAKE OFF
THAT RIDICULOUS SCARF.

- BUT CAPTAIN PEACOCK...
- DON'T ARGUE WITH ME. TAKE IT OFF.

AS YOU WISH.

I WASHED IT FIRST
THING THIS MORNING

AND MY HAIR DRYER BLEW A FUSE.

IF MR. RUMBOLD SEES THAT,

HE, TOO, WILL VERY
LIKELY BLOW A FUSE.

MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE CLEANING THE STORE,

NOT DOING AN EXCERPT
FROM "SWAN LAKE."

REALLY, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
YOU SHOULDN'T, IT'S ONLY ME.

- YOU'RE LATE, MR. LUCAS.
- AH YES, I HAD TROUBLE

GETTING THROUGH THE
CLEANERS' PICKET LINE.

THEY WERE EXERCISING THEIR DEMOCRATIC
RIGHT TO EXPLAIN THEIR JUST GRIEVANCES.

I SAID I WAS SYMPATHETIC,
BUT I NEEDED THE LOLLY.

- SO WHAT HAPPENED?
- THE LEADER OF
THE PICKET LINE

TOOK OUT HER LIPSTICK AND
SENT YOU ALL THIS MESSAGE.

THE REST SAID THEY WERE GOING TO
SIGN ON THE BOTTOM, SO I RAN LIKE HELL.

OH, JUST FINISH UP... QUICKLY.

OLE!

OLE!

OH EH.

MR. HUMPHRIES, MR. RUMBOLD
WILL BE DOWN IN A SECOND.

NOW COVER THAT UP.

WELL DONE, EVERYBODY.

- YOU'RE ALL
WORKING VERY HARD.
- THANK YOU, SIR.

WHOSE IDEA WAS THAT?

MR. HUMPHRIES... HE DID IT...

ON CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S ORDERS.

WE HAVE A SERIOUS
SITUATION IN OUR HANDS.

WE HAVE NO TIME TO FOOL
AROUND LIKE SCHOOLBOYS.

OKAY THEN, WARWICK. OVER YOUR
LEFT HAND DOWN. YOUR LEFT HAND.

THAT'S IT. DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE NOISE.

NOW LEVEL IT UP, WARWICK.

GO ON THERE. THERE WE
ARE, HOW ABOUT THAT?

I'M GLAD TO SEE THE MAINTENANCE
DEPARTMENT ARE NOT ON STRIKE.

THEY ARE. WE CAME
OUT THIS MORNING.

- WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE THEN?
- WE'VE RENEGOTIATED OURSELVES

AS OUTSIDE CONTRACTORS
AT DOUBLE PAY.

I WISH WE COULD DO
SOMETHING ABOUT OUR MONEY.

YOU WANT TO GET A POWERFUL
SHOP STEWARD BEHIND YOU,

SHOW YOU HOW TO FLEX
YOUR INDUSTRIAL MUSCLES.

WE CAN ALL LIVE
IN A DREAM WORLD.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE
THERE, MR. HARMAN?

THIS, SIR, IS THE POINT-OF-DISPLAY
MODEL FOR THE BIKEY BRIEFS,

THE CYCLING SHORTS WITH
THE MAGIC LONG-LIFE GUSSET,

GUARANTEED FOR
100,000 GRUELING MILES.

PLUG IT IT, WARWICK!

GATHER ROUND, EVERYBODY,
AND PAY ATTENTION.

THIS IS THE BIKEY BRIEFS MODEL.

YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD THAT
THE LATEST SALES THEORY HAS IT

THAT A MOVING DISPLAY
ATTRACTS THE EYE

MORE THAN A STATIC ONE.

DOES SHE HAVE TO
HAVE SUCH BIG LEGS?

TO DO 100,000 MILES,
YOU NEED BIG LEGS.

- IS EVERYBODY READY?
- YES, SWITCH ON, MR. HARMAN.

RIGHT, YOU WILL NOTE

THAT THE SADDLE IS
MADE OF SANDPAPER.

THIS IS TO DEMONSTRATE
THAT THE BRIEFS

WILL STAND UP TO THE
ROUGHEST OF WEAR.

I MIGHT "ALMOST" POINT OUT

THAT ONE DAY ON THIS MACHINE

IS THE EQUIVALENT
OF GOING FROM HERE

TO AFGHANISTAN.

OH, LOOK, IT'S GOT A FIFTH GEAR.

Peacock: LEAVE IT
ALONE, MR. LUCAS.

Peacock: AH, WE'RE
ALL HERE NOW, SIR.

OH, GOOD. I WANTED TO
GET YOU ALL TOGETHER

- TO LET YOU KNOW THAT
THE STRIKE HAS BEEN SETTLED.
- ( murmuring thanks )

DID ALL PARTIES GO TO THE
CONCILIATION DEPARTMENT?

EH, NO. THAT WAS OUR INTENTION.

UNFORTUNATELY, THEY
TOO WERE ON STRIKE

FOR BETTER PAY FOR ARBITRATORS.

HOWEVER, YOUNG MR. GRACE

DID COME UP WITH A
COMPROMISE SOLUTION.

- HE PAID UP.
- YES.

THE NET RESULT OF ALL THIS IS
THAT THEY ARE ALL BACK AT WORK.

BUT THE WHOLE DISPUTE HAS
CAUSED A LOT OF BAD BLOOD

DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU
CROSSED THE PICKET LINES.

WE DIDN'T CROSS ANYTHING.

WE'RE FED UP WITH
STOPPAGES EVERYWHERE.

ALL WE DID WAS COME TO
WORK AND GET ON WITH THE JOB.

YES, I DIDN'T FIGHT
IN THE DESERT

TO SUPPORT ENDLESS STRIKES.

I BET THOSE GERMANS
ARE GLAD THEY LOST.

THEY'D BE BANKRUPT BY NOW.

WELL, THE FACT REMAINS

THAT YOUNG MR. GRACE
WOULD LIKE TO DO SOMETHING

TO RESTORE THE HAPPY
FAMILY ATMOSPHERE

THAT GRACE BROTHERS
HAS ALWAYS ENJOYED.

- HOW DOES HE
PROPOSE TO DO THAT, SIR?
- WE THINK IT WOULD BE

A GOOD IDEA IF THERE WERE
TO BE A CHILDREN'S PARTY

FOR THE OFFSPRING OF
MEMBERS OF THE STAFF.

AND HOW IS THAT
GOING TO BENEFIT US?

THAT'S THE INGENIOUS
PART, YOU SEE.

YOUNG MR. GRACE FEELS THAT AS YOU
WERE THE ONES THAT BROKE THE PICKET LINE,

YOU SHOULD GIVE THE PARTY.

I DON'T WANT TO
SPEAK OUT OF TURN,

BUT WOULDN'T IT BETTER
IF CATERING DID IT?

AH, WELL, THEY'LL DO THE
FOOD. THE FOOD, OF COURSE, YES.

BUT MR. GRACE IS AWARE

THAT CERTAIN MEMBERS OF MY
DEPARTMENT ARE EXTREMELY VERSATILE.

DID HE MENTION ANY NAMES?

CONSEQUENTLY, HE FEELS THAT
YOU SHOULD TAKE ON THE TASK

OF ACTUALLY
AMUSING THE CHILDREN.

YOU KNOW THE SORT OF
THING... RING OF ROSES,

ORANGES AND LEMONS,

PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY.

YEAH, OR PIN THE
EARS ON THE MONKEY.

THOSE SORT OF THINGS.

I KNOW THAT IF YOU ALL SIT DOWN
AND PUT YOUR HEADS TOGETHER,

YOU'LL COME UP WITH AN
ABSOLUTELY FIRST-CLASS

AFTERNOON OF FROLIC
AND ENTERTAINMENT.

BUT SURELY THE STRIKE'S OVER.

THEY GOT THEIR MONEY. THERE
CAN'T BE ALL THAT MUCH BAD BLOOD.

DID YOU ORDER SIX TEAS FOR
A DEPARTMENTAL MEETING?

- THANK YOU, IVY.
- CATCH.

BLACKLEGS!

RIGHT, WHO'S THE BOILED
EGG WITH THE HERRING?

I'M THE HERRING.

HERE, I'VE ONLY GOT THE HEAD.

SPAGHETTI "BOLLOCKNESE"?

THAT'S MINE.

- SHEPHERD'S,
CHIPS AND PEAS.
- THANKS.

- WHERE'RE THE PEAS?
- UNDER THAT CHIP.

MINUTE STEAK?

YEAH, MUCH OBLIGED.

THANK YOU.

RISSOLE.

PASTY.

EXCUSE ME.

I WAS THE RISSOLE

AND I WAS THE PASTY.

PLEASE YOURSELF.

EXCUSE ME, I SUPPOSE
IT'S THE WRONG TIME

TO TELL YOU I CAN'T GET
THE SAUCE OUT THE BOTTLE.

- ANYTHING ELSE?
- NOT FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS.

IT'S GOING TO HAVE TO BE A HELL OF A
GOOD KIDS' PARTY TO SORT THIS LOT OUT.

IF SHE'S GOING TO BE
THERE, HOW ABOUT A GAME

OF BLIND MAN'S BLUFF
ON BEACHY HEAD?

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO
A CHILDREN'S PARTY

SINCE I WAS ABOUT FIVE.

WAS THAT TO CELEBRATE YOUR
BIRTHDAY OR THE RELIEF OF MAFEKING?

MR. LUCAS, WE'RE
ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

NOW, PLEASE, THAT'S ENOUGH.

WE MUST THINK OF THIS FROM
THE CHILDREN'S POINT OF VIEW.

NOW, THEY'VE ARRIVED,
THEY'VE BEEN GIVEN A BALLOON,

THEY'VE HAD THEIR TEA WITH
JELLIES AND BLANCMANGE...

WITH RESPECT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

KIDS TODAY DON'T
LIKE BLANCMANGE.

THEY WANT SAVORIES
AND SMOKED SALMON.

THEY'LL GET WHAT THEY'RE GIVEN.

YEAH, EVEN IF WE HAVE TO
RAM IT DOWN THEIR THROATS.

WE MUST REMEMBER THAT
WE WERE ALL CHILDREN ONCE.

DO YOU KNOW,
THE BIT I LIKED BEST

WAS SITTING ON MY MOTHER'S KNEE.

SHE USED TO TELL ME
STORIES ABOUT FAIRIES.

I THINK IT COLORED
MY WHOLE LIFE.

EVEN WHEN MY VOICE BROKE

I BELIEVED IN "JACK
AND THE BEANSTALK."

ONE DAY, I THREW MY BAKED
BEANS OUT THE WINDOW.

DURING THE NIGHT,
UNBEKNOWING TO ME,

THE G.P.O. PLANTED A
GREAT BIG TELEGRAPH POLE.

WHEN I WOKE UP, I
COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EYES.

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A
BEANSTALK, MR. HUMPHRIES?

THERE WAS NO OTHER
EXPLANATION, MR. LUCAS.

I RAN OUT IN MY PAJAMAS
AND STARTED TO CLIMB IT.

AND DID YOU GET TO
THE ENCHANTED LAND?

NO, BUT I STRUCK
UP A NICE FRIENDSHIP

WITH A MAN IN A PEAKED CAP
AND A PAIR OF WIRE CUTTERS.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

WE COULD ACT OUT A FAIRY STORY.

WHAT SORT OF FAIRY STORY?

WELL, HOW ABOUT "ALI BABA"?

NOW THAT GOES...

"ONCE UPON A TIME
THERE WAS A COBBLER..."

NO, NO, NO, MISS BRAHMS.
YOU'RE GETTING CONFUSED.

THERE WAS 40 OF THEM.

"ALI BABA AND THE 40 THIEVES."

THAT'S ALL RIGHT THEN,
"ONCE UPON A TIME,

THERE WAS A LOT OF COBBLERS."

I REMEMBER NOW.

THE THIEVES HIDE IN THE POTS.

ALI BABA POURS BOILING
OIL ALL OVER THEM

AND THEY ALL DIE
IN HORRIBLE AGONY.

I DON'T THINK THAT
COMES UNDER THE HEADING

OF LIGHTHEARTED ENTERTAINMENT.

COULDN'T WE DO "LITTLE
RED RIDING HOOD"?

THAT'S A NICE STORY.

OH, YES, I RECALL THAT ONE.

IT'S THE STORY OF
A DEAR OLD LADY

WHO LIVES IN A
COTTAGE IN THE WOODS.

ONE DAY, WHEN SHE'S WAITING

FOR HER GRANDDAUGHTER
TO BRING HER SOME FOOD.

THE WOLF CREEPS IN,

LEAPS ON THE
GRANDMOTHER, AND EATS HER.

THEN, PUTTING ON THE OLD
LADY'S NIGHT DRESS AND BONNET

HE CLIMBS INTO BED TO AWAIT THE
ARRIVAL OF LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

BRINGING HER GRANDMOTHER SUPPER.

I LIKE THAT ONE.
IT'S GOT EVERYTHING.

CANNIBALISM, TRANSVESTITISM,
AND MEALS ON WHEELS.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING
WITH A HAPPY ENDING.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT "MOTHER GOOSE"?

THE TRAGIC STORY OF
AN UGLY OLD WOMAN

WHO FINDS A GOOSE
THAT LAYS GOLDEN EGGS.

AND IS SHE SATISFIED?

IS SHE... HELL, SHE
WANTS TO BE BEAUTIFUL.

MRS. SLOCOMBE COULD
PLAY THE FIRST PART.

PERHAPS WE'RE
BEING TOO AMBITIOUS.

I DON'T REMEMBER
EVER GOING TO A PARTY

WHERE PEOPLE
ACTED FAIRY STORIES.

THE THINGS THAT
STAND OUT IN MY MIND

WERE CONJURORS AND
CLOWNS AND PUNCH AND JUDY.

YOU WANT A PUNCH AND
JUDY MAN, THAT COSTS MONEY.

IT'S A PERFECT ART.

OH, WHAT A SHAME. I
LOVE PUNCH AND JUDY.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA WE COULD DO.

PUNCH AND JUDY, LIFE-SIZE.

WHAT EXACTLY HAD YOU
IN MIND, MR. HUMPHRIES?

WE COULD GET DISPLAY TO
MAKE US A BIG STAGE THING

AND WE COULD ALL
BE THE CHARACTERS.

- YEAH, I LIKE THAT.
- BUT DON'T FORGET
WE'D NEED DOG TOBY

SITTING AT THE SIDE
LIKE HIS MASTER'S VOICE.

IF WE CAN'T GET A DOG, WE COULD HAVE
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S PUSSY ON THE SIDE.

I'M SURE WE COULD ACQUIRE A
DOG FROM THE PET DEPARTMENT.

I'LL HAVE A WORD
WITH MISS HEPBURN.

I THOUGHT YOU WAS OFF HER SINCE SHE
SHOVED THEM TWO FERRETS DOWN YOUR TROUSERS.

THAT WAS MISS FENNEL
FROM SOFT TOYS.

RUMOR HAS IT YOU WERE BANNED FROM
THE DEPARTMENT FOR A WHOLE WEEK.

- THAT'S NOT TRUE, MR. LUCAS.
- THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

HE WAS BANNED FOR THREE DAYS

AND MISS FENNEL WAS
MOVED TO NOVELTY CANDLES

TO KEEP HER OUT OF MISCHIEF.

MIND YOU, IT DIDN'T.

ARE WE GOING TO GET
A DOG OR AREN'T WE?

I WILL SUPPLY THE DOG. NOW LOOK,

PERHAPS WE COULD GET ALL
THE PARAPHERNALIA TOGETHER

AND HAVE A REHEARSAL
NEXT THURSDAY EVENING.

- YEAH.
- THAT'S FINE.

OH, GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

- GOOD MORNING, MR. GRACE.
- SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

MR. GRACE HAS COME
ROUND TO MAKE SURE

YOU'RE NOT BEING VICTIMIZED
BY THE CATERING STAFF.

HOW'S THE LUNCH?

SAME AS USUAL, SIR.

THEY ARE BEING VICTIMIZED.

AND MR. GRACE IS
ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTED

THAT YOU'RE GOING TO PUT ON A
SHOW FOR THE CHILDREN. ANY IDEAS YET?

WE'RE GOING TO DO
PUNCH AND JUDY AND MAGIC.

MAGIC, EH? THAT'S FUNNY.

I WAS ONLY DISCUSSING LEVITATION

WITH MY NURSE YESTERDAY.

YES, I EXPLAINED THAT IF
YOU SEE SOMETHING RISING

WITHOUT ANY VISIBLE
MEANS OF SUPPORT,

WELL, IT'S ALL IN THE MIND.

IT CAME AS NO SURPRISE TO ME.

AND MR. GRACE USED TO BE
AN AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST.

- DIDN'T YOU, MR. GRACE.
- DID I?

DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN
YOU USED TO SIT ME ON YOUR KNEE

AND SHOW ME HOW YOU
USED TO PULL THE STRINGS.

OH, YES, I THINK IT GOT CAUGHT
UP IN YOUR BRA, DIDN'T IT?

OH, THE THINGS THAT
GO ON IN THAT OFFICE.

I KNOW. IT'S LIKE A SENIOR
CITIZENS' "EMMANUELLE."

WELL, I MUST GET BACK TO IT...

WHATEVER IT IS.

- YOU'VE ALL DONE
VERY WELL.
- OH!

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

HEY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MR. HARMAN, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I
TOLD YOU THAT MAINTENANCE PERSONNEL

ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE
FLOOR DURING WORKING HOURS?

IN THAT CASE, I'LL PRESUME YOU
DON'T WANT TO KNOW NOTHING

ABOUT THE PUNCH AND JUDY
APPARATUS AND COSTUMES

WHAT HAVE ARRIVED FOR
YOUR REHEARSAL TONIGHT.

THAT'S A DIFFERENT MATTER.

BRING THEM UP IN THE GOODS
LIFT AND AWAIT MY ORDERS.

AWAIT YOUR ORDERS?

QUEEN VICTORIA'S DEAD, YOU KNOW.

YOU DON'T GIVE ME ORDERS. IF YOU
WANT ANYTHING, YOU MAKE A REQUEST...

PREFERABLY WITH A SMILE LURKING
SOMEWHERE ROUND YOUR LIPS.

AND IF YOU CAN'T MANAGE A SMILE,
A LITTLE UNSOLICITED GRATUITY.

YOU CHOSE TO SMILE.

I BET THAT CAME AS A
BIT OF A STRAIN TO YOU.

I SUPPOSE YOU'LL HAVE
YOUR LIPS IN A SLING

FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK NOW.

DON'T STAND THERE
GOSSIPING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

AND MR. HARMAN
SHOULDN'T BE ON THE FLOOR.

I KEEP TELLING HIM THAT, SIR,

BUT HE WILL KEEP DELAYING ME.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, STEPHEN.

THAT'S LOVELY, MR. HARMAN.

VERY NICE, MR. HARMAN.
AND ON THE NIGHT

- WE'LL HAVE PLANTS
AND A PALM OR SOMETHING.
- VERY GOOD, MR. HUMPHRIES.

OOH, HAVEN'T THEY DONE IT NICE?

YEAH, THE MAINTENANCE STAFF
TOOK 24 HOURS TO DO THAT.

OH, ISN'T IT GOOD OF
THEM TO GIVE THEIR TIME?

WELL, IT WASN'T EXACTLY TIME.

IT WAS TIME AND A HALF.

WE GOT PAID FOR IT.

WHAT'S THIS FOR?

MR. RUMBOLD SAID HE'S GOING
TO PLAY THE INCIDENTAL MUSIC.

WE MOST CERTAINLY
DIDN'T ASK FOR THAT.

AH, GOOD, THE PIANO'S HERE.

AH.

I FOUND SOME
ABSOLUTELY FIRST-CLASS

PUNCH AND JUDY MUSIC.

MR. RUMBOLD. MR. RUMBOLD.

MR. RUMBOLD!

- ( music stops )
- WE HAVEN'T DECIDED
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO YET.

OH, WELL, WHEN THE TIME COMES,

YOU CAN RELY ON ME TO
PLAY SOMETHING APPROPRIATE.

AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE
IT, YOU ONLY HAVE TO SAY.

THANK YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.

SHALL WE ALL GATHER ROUND?

MR. HUMPHRIES HAS BEEN DOING SOME
RESEARCH ON THE PUNCH AND JUDY STORY.

MR. HUMPHRIES, WOULD
YOU LIKE TO TAKE THE FLOOR?

THANK YOU. WELL, AS YOU KNOW,

PUNCH AND JUDY IS A
TRADITIONAL ART FORM.

IT WAS FIRST PERFORMED
BY THE COMMEDIA DELL'ARTE,

WHO WERE A TOURING COMPANY
IN ITALY IN THE 11th CENTURY.

MR. HUMPHRIES, I WAS
HOPING TO GET HOME TONIGHT.

DO YOU THINK WE COULD SKIP A COUPLE
OF CENTURIES AND GET ON TO THE PLOT?

MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT,
WHO IS GOING TO BE PLAYING WHAT?

LET ME SEE, WE'VE GOT
PUNCH, WE'VE GOT JUDY,

WE'VE GOT THE BUTCHER,
WE'VE GOT THE DEVIL,

THE POLICEMAN AND THE HANGMAN.

PUNCH IS A CLOWN AND
HE'S ALWAYS IN TROUBLE.

- OH, A GOOD PART
FOR YOU, MR. LUCAS.
- Humphries: YES.

NOW, WHICH OF YOU LADIES
WOULD LIKE TO PLAY JUDY?

AS SENIOR SALESLADY, I
THINK I SHOULD PLAY JUDY.

JUDY IS A YOUNG INNOCENT WAIF.

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS
A YOUNG INNOCENT WAIF?

WELL, IT IS MAKE-BELIEVE.

NOT TO THE POINT
OF INCREDIBILITY.

FURTHERMORE, JUDY'S
MADLY IN LOVE WITH PUNCH...

PLAYED BY MR. LUCAS.

YOU CAN HAVE THE
PART, MISS BRAHMS.

I DON'T HAVE TO KISS HIM, DO I?

- IT'S ONLY
MAKE-BELIEVE, MISS BRAHMS.
- YES, WELL IT WILL BE.

NOW, I NEED A PORK BUTCHER.

DON'T LOOK AT ME.

THEY'RE ONLY MAKE-BELIEVE
SAUSAGES, MR. GOLDBERG.

WOULD YOU DESCRIBE
IT AS A MAJOR ROLE?

I'LL PLAY IT IF IT'S
NOT A SMALL PART.

I NEED SOMEONE TO
FRIGHTEN THE CHILDREN,

SO I'VE GOT YOU DOWN AS THE DEVIL,
THE HANGMAN, AND THE POLICEMAN.

JUST A MINUTE. WHAT ABOUT ME?

ALL THE LADIES' PARTS
HAVE GONE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

COULDN'T I PLAY A POLICEWOMAN?

THEY DON'T HAVE POLICEWOMEN.
THEY ONLY HAVE POLICEMEN.

WELL, THEY HAVE PRINCIPLE
BOYS IN PANTOMIME,

SO I DON'T SEE WHY I
SHOULDN'T BE A POLICEMAN.

WELL, THAT'S REALITY RIGHT OUT
OF THE WINDOW, BUT IF YOU INSIST.

- I DO INSIST.
- RIGHT, LET'S GET
ON WITH IT.

JUST A MINUTE, WHERE ARE
THE PARTS FOR US TO READ?

- THERE AREN'T ANY PARTS.
- WELL, HOW DO WE KNOW
WHAT TO SAY?

I SHALL TELL YOU THE STORY

AND YOU WILL IMPROVISE,
SPONTANEOUSLY, ON THE THEME.

YEAH, AND WE HAVE TO USE
FUNNY VOICES, DON'T WE?

WE DO, MISS BRAHMS... AND
YOURS WILL DO VERY NICELY.

RIGHT.

EVERYBODY BEHIND
THE CURTAIN. THAT'S NICE.

( Miss Brahms screams )

IF HE'S GOING TO START
THAT, I'M GOING HOME.

I'M SORRY, MISS BRAHMS.

I WAS JUST GETTING
MY TRIDENT READY.

RIGHT, NOW SOMEBODY
OPEN THE CURTAINS, PLEASE.

OPEN THE CURTAINS. THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, WHERE'S MR. PUNCH?

MR. PUNCH?

HOW NICE.

( funny voice ) "NOW IS THE
WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT,

MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER
BY THIS SUN OF YORK."

MR. LUCAS, WILL YOU STOP
MESSING ABOUT, PLEASE?

- NOW, YOU'RE MR. PUNCH. NOW, COME ON.
- "JAWS."

VERY FUNNY, MR. LUCAS.
VERY FUNNY INDEED.

NOW COME ALONG, PLEASE.

MR. PUNCH, UP.

( squeaky voice ) ♪ OH,
THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT... ♪

VERY GOOD, MR. LUCAS.
THAT'S VERY NICE, INDEED.

( music playing )

MR. RUMBOLD?

MR. RUMBOLD?

MR. RUMBOLD, NOT YET.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
YOU ONLY HAVE TO SAY.

IT'S NOT A QUESTION
OF NOT LIKING IT.

IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF NOT YET.

CROUCHING DOWN HERE
IS DOING MY BACK IN.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, WHY ARE
YOU WEARING A FUNNY NOSE?

BECAUSE I'M A FUNNY POLICEMAN.

YOU ARE NOT A FUNNY POLICEMAN.

YOU'RE MAKING A MOCKERY
OF THE WHOLE THING.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
FRIGHTEN THE CHILDREN.

THEY CHEER PUNCH AND
JUDY AND THEY HATE YOU.

( cackles )

- WHY SHOULD THEY HATE ME?
- BECAUSE YOU KEEP BASHING

MR. PUNCH OVER THE HEAD
WITH YOUR TRUNCHEON.

OH, WELL THAT'S
SOME CONSOLATION.

I THINK MRS. SLOCOMBE SHOULD
TAKE HER LIPSTICK OFF AS WELL.

WHO'S EVER SEEN A
POLICEMAN WEARING LIPSTICK?

I HAVE... MIND YOU THE CIRCUMSTANCES
WERE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.

EXCUSE ME, THESE SAUSAGES...

THEY'RE MORE LIKE CHIPOLATAS.

WILL IT MAKE ANY
DIFFERENCE TO THE PLOT?

I DON'T THINK SO, MR. GOLDBERG.

- MR. GOLDBERG.
- YEAH?

THE PORK BUTCHER'S SUPPOSED
TO HAVE A FUNNY NOSE. WHERE IS IT?

I COULDN'T GET IT ON.

RIGHT, WHERE'S JUDY?

HERE I AM.

HERE, I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK.

I'M SUPPOSED TO
HAVE A BABY, AREN'T I?

- THAT'S RIGHT, MISS BRAHMS.
- YEAH, WELL THEY DIDN'T
HAVE NONE IN TOYS.

AND ALL THEY HAD WAS A
FACTORY REJECT CHIMPANZEE.

LOOK.

HANG ON JUST A MINUTE. I
DON'T WANT TO BE DIFFICULT,

BUT IF SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE AN INNOCENT
YOUNG GIRL, HOW COME SHE'S GOT A BABY?

WE WON'T GO INTO
THAT AT THE MOMENT.

YOU'RE THE FATHER.

OH, THE SHAME. THE SHAME.

- NO WONDER IT LOOKS
LIKE A CHIMPANZEE.
- GET OFF OF IT!

MR. RUMBOLD!

MR. RUMBOLD! MR. RUMBOLD!

THAT WAS MONKEY MUSIC.

I KNOW.

- NOT YET?
- NEVER!

LET'S TAKE IT RIGHT FROM
THE TOP OF THE SHOW,

AND I WILL TELL YOU THE STORY.

THERE'S PUNCH, HE'S
MADLY IN LOVE WITH JUDY.

AND HE KISSES HER GOODBYE BECAUSE
HE'S GOING OFF TO BUY SOME SAUSAGES.

NOW, COME ALONG.
KISS HER GOODBYE.

OH, GOODBYE, JUDY.

I'M GOING TO BUY THE SAUSAGES.

GIVE US A KISS.

EEW. EWW. GET OFF.

NOW, YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY MONEY.

OH, SHAME. I'VE GOT NO
MONEY. I'VE GOT NO MONEY.

SO THE DEVIL POPS
UP AND HE SAYS,

"MR. PUNCH, WHY DON'T
YOU STEAL THE SAUSAGES?"

RIGHT, NOW OFF YOU GO.
OFF YOU GO TO THE BUTCHER'S.

OH, I'VE GOT NO MONEY.
I'VE GOT NO MONEY.

OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR.

( normal voice ) MR. PUNCH, WHY
DON'T YOU STEAL THE SAUSAGES?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
SAY IT LIKE THAT, ARE YOU?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE EVIL. NOW IMPROVISE!

YES. AH...

- LISTEN TO ME, PUNCH.
- I'M LISTENING.

THE WORLD IS DIVIDED INTO
THE HAVES AND THE HAVE-NOTS.

- NOW YOU ARE A HAVE-NOT.
- OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR.

GO, GET THEE HENCE
TO THE BUTCHER

AND STEAL THE SAUSAGES,

AND YOU WILL BECOME A HAVE.

( cackles )

OH, STOP IT.

Humphries: WHAT DID
YOU DO THAT FOR?

HE'S AN ACCESSORY
BEFORE THE FACT.

YOU DON'T HIT HIM THERE!

GET OFF!

NOW, MR. PUNCH IS
STROLLING ALONG THE STREET.

♪ STROLLING... ♪

MR. RUMBOLD.

MR. RUMBOLD!

NOT YET?

RIGHT, NOW...

GO AND KNOCK AT
THE BUTCHER'S DOOR.

RIGHT, OFF YOU GO. KNOCK
AT THE BUTCHER'S DOOR.

I'M GOING TO STEAL THE SAUSAGES.

♪ ...STEAL THE SAUSAGES. ♪

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- ( deep voice ) SAUSAGES.

GET IN THE QUEUE.

WELL, I... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?
- YOU DIDN'T GET IN THE QUEUE.

THERE ISN'T A QUEUE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
THERE ISN'T A QUEUE?

YOU THINK I'M RUNNING
AN UNSUCCESSFUL SHOP?

THERE IS NO QUEUE!

AS YOU WISH, MR. HUMPHRIES.

RIGHT. NOW THEN,
STEAL THE SAUSAGES.

I'M GOING TO STEAL THE SAUSAGES.

THERE THEY ARE.

OH! MR. LUCAS!

♪ I'M GOING TO STEAL... I'M
STEALING THE SAUSAGES. ♪

HEY, GIVE ME BACK
THESE SAUSAGES!

GIVE ME BACK THE SAUSAGES!

- I GOT THE SAUSAGES!
- GIVE ME BACK THE SAUSAGES!

STOP IT! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING THAT FOR?!

YOU'RE STEALING SAUSAGES

AND IF I'M A POLICEMAN,
I'M NOT GOING

TO STAND BY AND WATCH
HIM PINCH SAUSAGES.

YOU DON'T SEE HIM PINCH THEM
BECAUSE YOUR ATTENTION IN DIVERTED

BY A BURGLAR ON THE
ROOF OF THE TOWN HALL!

- WHERE'S THAT?
- OVER THERE!

( whistles ) STOP
THIEF! STOP THIEF!

GET BACK TO THE POLICE STATION!

RIGHT, NOW STEAL
THE SAUSAGES AGAIN.

I'M GOING TO STEAL
THE SAUSAGES AGAIN.

HEY, GIVE ME BACK MY SAUSAGES!

LOOK, HANG ON!

HOW CAN I STEAL THEM IF
HE WON'T LET GO OF THEM?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU
WANT ME TO STAND BY IDLE

WHILE HE PINCHES A POUND
OF MY BEST CHIPOLATAS

AND I'VE GOT A GOOD
CUSTOMER WAITING FOR THEM?

MR. GOLDBERG!
MR. GOLDBERG, PLEASE,

DON'T GET CARRIED
AWAY WITH YOUR ROLE.

IT'S ONLY MAKE-BELIEVE.

( sobbing )

I AM SORRY, MR. HUMPHRIES.

IT WAS VERY INSENSITIVE OF ME.

I KNOW HOW DEEPLY YOU FEEL

AND I THINK YOU'RE
DOING A WONDERFUL JOB.

I DIDN'T WANT THE
JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THEY'RE ALL SO TEMPERAMENTAL!

- YOU ONLY HAVE
TO TELL ME WHEN.
- I KNOW.

AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE
IT, YOU ONLY HAVE TO SAY.

I KNOW. EXCUSE ME.

( blows nose )

THANK YOU.

I'M MUCH BETTER NOW.

I'D NO IDEA YOU COULD BE
SO KIND AND UNDERSTANDING.

YOU'VE GIVEN ME THE
STRENGTH TO CARRY ON.

EXCUSE ME.

RIGHT, WE'LL GO FROM THE TOP.

NOW, MR. PUNCH... WHERE'S JUDY?

HE'S SAYING GOODBYE TO JUDY.

YOU KISS HER GOODBYE BECAUSE
YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL THE SAUSAGES.

NOW, COME ALONG.
LET'S ALL GET TOGETHER.

GOODBYE, JUDY, I'M GOING
TO STEAL THE SAUSAGES AGAIN.

GIVE US A KISS.

- ( screams )
- GET OFF! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING THAT FOR?

- ( all talking together )
- YOU'RE SPOILING IT!

Lucas: GET OFF, YOU BAT!

AHHH!

( piano music playing )

( squeaking )

♪ KIDS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY ♪

♪ KIDS, WHO CAN UNDERSTAND
ANYTHING THEY SAY? ♪

♪ KIDS, THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT
DISRESPECTFUL OAFS ♪

♪ NOISY, CRAZY,
SLOPPY, LAZY LOAFERS ♪

♪ WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT ♪

♪ KIDS, YOU CAN TALK AND
TALK TILL YOUR FACE IS BLUE ♪

♪ KIDS, BUT THEY STILL DO
WHAT THEY WANT TO DO ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T THEY
BE LIKE WE WERE ♪

♪ PERFECT IN EVERY WAY? ♪

♪ WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH KIDS TODAY? ♪

♪ KIDS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY ♪

♪ KIDS, WHO CAN UNDERSTAND
ANYTHING THEY SAY? ♪

♪ KIDS, THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS ♪

♪ AND SO IMMATURE ♪

♪ I DON'T SEE WHY
ANYBODY WANTS THEM ♪

♪ THEY'RE SO DREADFUL ♪

♪ KIDS, WHAT THE DEVIL'S
WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY? ♪

- ♪ KIDS... ♪
- ♪ WHO WOULD EVER THINK
THEY'D TURN OUT THIS WAY? ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T THEY
BE LIKE WE WERE ♪

♪ PERFECT IN EVERY WAY? ♪

♪ WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH KIDS TODAY? ♪

( applause )

( squeaks )