Original subtitles

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

- GOOD MORNING, PEACOCK. - GOOD MORNING, SIR.

I'M AFRAID THE CLEANERS ARE STILL ON STRIKE.

I THOUGHT YOUR PEOPLE WERE COMING IN EARLY

- TO GET THE PLACE CLEARED UP. - THEY'RE HERE ALREADY, SIR.

THEY'RE CHANGING INTO SUITABLE ATTIRE.

AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. RUMBOLD.

WELL DONE, MR. GOLDBERG. THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

IT'S TOO BAD, YOU KNOW.

THEY'VE NICKED THE VACUUM CLEANER.

Peacock: JUST DO THE TREADS OF THE STAIRS.

YOU CAN DO THE MAIN CARPET DURING THE COFFEE BREAK.

AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

SAME AS ALWAYS... TELL US WHAT TO DO.

I SHALL TAKE CARE OF MY OWN AREA.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

WOULD YOU MIND BISSELLING IN ANOTHER DIRECTION?

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I'M A MARRIED MAN. I'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.

NOT AT THIS TIME IN THE MORNING,

NOT FROM THAT ANGLE, AND NOT THIS ONE!

MR. HUMPHRIES, TAKE OFF THAT RIDICULOUS SCARF.

- BUT CAPTAIN PEACOCK... - DON'T ARGUE WITH ME. TAKE IT OFF.

AS YOU WISH.

I WASHED IT FIRST THING THIS MORNING

AND MY HAIR DRYER BLEW A FUSE.

IF MR. RUMBOLD SEES THAT,

HE, TOO, WILL VERY LIKELY BLOW A FUSE.

MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CLEANING THE STORE,

NOT DOING AN EXCERPT FROM "SWAN LAKE."

REALLY, MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU SHOULDN'T, IT'S ONLY ME.

- YOU'RE LATE, MR. LUCAS. - AH YES, I HAD TROUBLE

GETTING THROUGH THE CLEANERS' PICKET LINE.

THEY WERE EXERCISING THEIR DEMOCRATIC RIGHT TO EXPLAIN THEIR JUST GRIEVANCES.

I SAID I WAS SYMPATHETIC, BUT I NEEDED THE LOLLY.

- SO WHAT HAPPENED? - THE LEADER OF THE PICKET LINE

TOOK OUT HER LIPSTICK AND SENT YOU ALL THIS MESSAGE.

THE REST SAID THEY WERE GOING TO SIGN ON THE BOTTOM, SO I RAN LIKE HELL.

OH, JUST FINISH UP... QUICKLY.

OLE!

OLE!

OH EH.

MR. HUMPHRIES, MR. RUMBOLD WILL BE DOWN IN A SECOND.

NOW COVER THAT UP.

WELL DONE, EVERYBODY.

- YOU'RE ALL WORKING VERY HARD. - THANK YOU, SIR.

WHOSE IDEA WAS THAT?

MR. HUMPHRIES... HE DID IT...

ON CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S ORDERS.

WE HAVE A SERIOUS SITUATION IN OUR HANDS.

WE HAVE NO TIME TO FOOL AROUND LIKE SCHOOLBOYS.

OKAY THEN, WARWICK. OVER YOUR LEFT HAND DOWN. YOUR LEFT HAND.

THAT'S IT. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE NOISE.

NOW LEVEL IT UP, WARWICK.

GO ON THERE. THERE WE ARE, HOW ABOUT THAT?

I'M GLAD TO SEE THE MAINTENANCE DEPARTMENT ARE NOT ON STRIKE.

THEY ARE. WE CAME OUT THIS MORNING.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE THEN? - WE'VE RENEGOTIATED OURSELVES

AS OUTSIDE CONTRACTORS AT DOUBLE PAY.

I WISH WE COULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT OUR MONEY.

YOU WANT TO GET A POWERFUL SHOP STEWARD BEHIND YOU,

SHOW YOU HOW TO FLEX YOUR INDUSTRIAL MUSCLES.

WE CAN ALL LIVE IN A DREAM WORLD.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, MR. HARMAN?

THIS, SIR, IS THE POINT-OF-DISPLAY MODEL FOR THE BIKEY BRIEFS,

THE CYCLING SHORTS WITH THE MAGIC LONG-LIFE GUSSET,

GUARANTEED FOR 100,000 GRUELING MILES.

PLUG IT IT, WARWICK!

GATHER ROUND, EVERYBODY, AND PAY ATTENTION.

THIS IS THE BIKEY BRIEFS MODEL.

YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD THAT THE LATEST SALES THEORY HAS IT

THAT A MOVING DISPLAY ATTRACTS THE EYE

MORE THAN A STATIC ONE.

DOES SHE HAVE TO HAVE SUCH BIG LEGS?

TO DO 100,000 MILES, YOU NEED BIG LEGS.

- IS EVERYBODY READY? - YES, SWITCH ON, MR. HARMAN.

RIGHT, YOU WILL NOTE

THAT THE SADDLE IS MADE OF SANDPAPER.

THIS IS TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THE BRIEFS

WILL STAND UP TO THE ROUGHEST OF WEAR.

I MIGHT "ALMOST" POINT OUT

THAT ONE DAY ON THIS MACHINE

IS THE EQUIVALENT OF GOING FROM HERE

TO AFGHANISTAN.

OH, LOOK, IT'S GOT A FIFTH GEAR.

Peacock: LEAVE IT ALONE, MR. LUCAS.

Peacock: AH, WE'RE ALL HERE NOW, SIR.

OH, GOOD. I WANTED TO GET YOU ALL TOGETHER

- TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THE STRIKE HAS BEEN SETTLED. - ( murmuring thanks )

DID ALL PARTIES GO TO THE CONCILIATION DEPARTMENT?

EH, NO. THAT WAS OUR INTENTION.

UNFORTUNATELY, THEY TOO WERE ON STRIKE

FOR BETTER PAY FOR ARBITRATORS.

HOWEVER, YOUNG MR. GRACE

DID COME UP WITH A COMPROMISE SOLUTION.

- HE PAID UP. - YES.

THE NET RESULT OF ALL THIS IS THAT THEY ARE ALL BACK AT WORK.

BUT THE WHOLE DISPUTE HAS CAUSED A LOT OF BAD BLOOD

DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU CROSSED THE PICKET LINES.

WE DIDN'T CROSS ANYTHING.

WE'RE FED UP WITH STOPPAGES EVERYWHERE.

ALL WE DID WAS COME TO WORK AND GET ON WITH THE JOB.

YES, I DIDN'T FIGHT IN THE DESERT

TO SUPPORT ENDLESS STRIKES.

I BET THOSE GERMANS ARE GLAD THEY LOST.

THEY'D BE BANKRUPT BY NOW.

WELL, THE FACT REMAINS

THAT YOUNG MR. GRACE WOULD LIKE TO DO SOMETHING

TO RESTORE THE HAPPY FAMILY ATMOSPHERE

THAT GRACE BROTHERS HAS ALWAYS ENJOYED.

- HOW DOES HE PROPOSE TO DO THAT, SIR? - WE THINK IT WOULD BE

A GOOD IDEA IF THERE WERE TO BE A CHILDREN'S PARTY

FOR THE OFFSPRING OF MEMBERS OF THE STAFF.

AND HOW IS THAT GOING TO BENEFIT US?

THAT'S THE INGENIOUS PART, YOU SEE.

YOUNG MR. GRACE FEELS THAT AS YOU WERE THE ONES THAT BROKE THE PICKET LINE,

YOU SHOULD GIVE THE PARTY.

I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK OUT OF TURN,

BUT WOULDN'T IT BETTER IF CATERING DID IT?

AH, WELL, THEY'LL DO THE FOOD. THE FOOD, OF COURSE, YES.

BUT MR. GRACE IS AWARE

THAT CERTAIN MEMBERS OF MY DEPARTMENT ARE EXTREMELY VERSATILE.

DID HE MENTION ANY NAMES?

CONSEQUENTLY, HE FEELS THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE ON THE TASK

OF ACTUALLY AMUSING THE CHILDREN.

YOU KNOW THE SORT OF THING... RING OF ROSES,

ORANGES AND LEMONS,

PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY.

YEAH, OR PIN THE EARS ON THE MONKEY.

THOSE SORT OF THINGS.

I KNOW THAT IF YOU ALL SIT DOWN AND PUT YOUR HEADS TOGETHER,

YOU'LL COME UP WITH AN ABSOLUTELY FIRST-CLASS

AFTERNOON OF FROLIC AND ENTERTAINMENT.

BUT SURELY THE STRIKE'S OVER.

THEY GOT THEIR MONEY. THERE CAN'T BE ALL THAT MUCH BAD BLOOD.

DID YOU ORDER SIX TEAS FOR A DEPARTMENTAL MEETING?

- THANK YOU, IVY. - CATCH.

BLACKLEGS!

RIGHT, WHO'S THE BOILED EGG WITH THE HERRING?

I'M THE HERRING.

HERE, I'VE ONLY GOT THE HEAD.

SPAGHETTI "BOLLOCKNESE"?

THAT'S MINE.

- SHEPHERD'S, CHIPS AND PEAS. - THANKS.

- WHERE'RE THE PEAS? - UNDER THAT CHIP.

MINUTE STEAK?

YEAH, MUCH OBLIGED.

THANK YOU.

RISSOLE.

PASTY.

EXCUSE ME.

I WAS THE RISSOLE

AND I WAS THE PASTY.

PLEASE YOURSELF.

EXCUSE ME, I SUPPOSE IT'S THE WRONG TIME

TO TELL YOU I CAN'T GET THE SAUCE OUT THE BOTTLE.

- ANYTHING ELSE? - NOT FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS.

IT'S GOING TO HAVE TO BE A HELL OF A GOOD KIDS' PARTY TO SORT THIS LOT OUT.

IF SHE'S GOING TO BE THERE, HOW ABOUT A GAME

OF BLIND MAN'S BLUFF ON BEACHY HEAD?

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO A CHILDREN'S PARTY

SINCE I WAS ABOUT FIVE.

WAS THAT TO CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY OR THE RELIEF OF MAFEKING?

MR. LUCAS, WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

NOW, PLEASE, THAT'S ENOUGH.

WE MUST THINK OF THIS FROM THE CHILDREN'S POINT OF VIEW.

NOW, THEY'VE ARRIVED, THEY'VE BEEN GIVEN A BALLOON,

THEY'VE HAD THEIR TEA WITH JELLIES AND BLANCMANGE...

WITH RESPECT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

KIDS TODAY DON'T LIKE BLANCMANGE.

THEY WANT SAVORIES AND SMOKED SALMON.

THEY'LL GET WHAT THEY'RE GIVEN.

YEAH, EVEN IF WE HAVE TO RAM IT DOWN THEIR THROATS.

WE MUST REMEMBER THAT WE WERE ALL CHILDREN ONCE.

DO YOU KNOW, THE BIT I LIKED BEST

WAS SITTING ON MY MOTHER'S KNEE.

SHE USED TO TELL ME STORIES ABOUT FAIRIES.

I THINK IT COLORED MY WHOLE LIFE.

EVEN WHEN MY VOICE BROKE

I BELIEVED IN "JACK AND THE BEANSTALK."

ONE DAY, I THREW MY BAKED BEANS OUT THE WINDOW.

DURING THE NIGHT, UNBEKNOWING TO ME,

THE G.P.O. PLANTED A GREAT BIG TELEGRAPH POLE.

WHEN I WOKE UP, I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EYES.

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A BEANSTALK, MR. HUMPHRIES?

THERE WAS NO OTHER EXPLANATION, MR. LUCAS.

I RAN OUT IN MY PAJAMAS AND STARTED TO CLIMB IT.

AND DID YOU GET TO THE ENCHANTED LAND?

NO, BUT I STRUCK UP A NICE FRIENDSHIP

WITH A MAN IN A PEAKED CAP AND A PAIR OF WIRE CUTTERS.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

WE COULD ACT OUT A FAIRY STORY.

WHAT SORT OF FAIRY STORY?

WELL, HOW ABOUT "ALI BABA"?

NOW THAT GOES...

"ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A COBBLER..."

NO, NO, NO, MISS BRAHMS. YOU'RE GETTING CONFUSED.

THERE WAS 40 OF THEM.

"ALI BABA AND THE 40 THIEVES."

THAT'S ALL RIGHT THEN, "ONCE UPON A TIME,

THERE WAS A LOT OF COBBLERS."

I REMEMBER NOW.

THE THIEVES HIDE IN THE POTS.

ALI BABA POURS BOILING OIL ALL OVER THEM

AND THEY ALL DIE IN HORRIBLE AGONY.

I DON'T THINK THAT COMES UNDER THE HEADING

OF LIGHTHEARTED ENTERTAINMENT.

COULDN'T WE DO "LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD"?

THAT'S A NICE STORY.

OH, YES, I RECALL THAT ONE.

IT'S THE STORY OF A DEAR OLD LADY

WHO LIVES IN A COTTAGE IN THE WOODS.

ONE DAY, WHEN SHE'S WAITING

FOR HER GRANDDAUGHTER TO BRING HER SOME FOOD.

THE WOLF CREEPS IN,

LEAPS ON THE GRANDMOTHER, AND EATS HER.

THEN, PUTTING ON THE OLD LADY'S NIGHT DRESS AND BONNET

HE CLIMBS INTO BED TO AWAIT THE ARRIVAL OF LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

BRINGING HER GRANDMOTHER SUPPER.

I LIKE THAT ONE. IT'S GOT EVERYTHING.

CANNIBALISM, TRANSVESTITISM, AND MEALS ON WHEELS.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WITH A HAPPY ENDING.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT "MOTHER GOOSE"?

THE TRAGIC STORY OF AN UGLY OLD WOMAN

WHO FINDS A GOOSE THAT LAYS GOLDEN EGGS.

AND IS SHE SATISFIED?

IS SHE... HELL, SHE WANTS TO BE BEAUTIFUL.

MRS. SLOCOMBE COULD PLAY THE FIRST PART.

PERHAPS WE'RE BEING TOO AMBITIOUS.

I DON'T REMEMBER EVER GOING TO A PARTY

WHERE PEOPLE ACTED FAIRY STORIES.

THE THINGS THAT STAND OUT IN MY MIND

WERE CONJURORS AND CLOWNS AND PUNCH AND JUDY.

YOU WANT A PUNCH AND JUDY MAN, THAT COSTS MONEY.

IT'S A PERFECT ART.

OH, WHAT A SHAME. I LOVE PUNCH AND JUDY.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA WE COULD DO.

PUNCH AND JUDY, LIFE-SIZE.

WHAT EXACTLY HAD YOU IN MIND, MR. HUMPHRIES?

WE COULD GET DISPLAY TO MAKE US A BIG STAGE THING

AND WE COULD ALL BE THE CHARACTERS.

- YEAH, I LIKE THAT. - BUT DON'T FORGET WE'D NEED DOG TOBY

SITTING AT THE SIDE LIKE HIS MASTER'S VOICE.

IF WE CAN'T GET A DOG, WE COULD HAVE MRS. SLOCOMBE'S PUSSY ON THE SIDE.

I'M SURE WE COULD ACQUIRE A DOG FROM THE PET DEPARTMENT.

I'LL HAVE A WORD WITH MISS HEPBURN.

I THOUGHT YOU WAS OFF HER SINCE SHE SHOVED THEM TWO FERRETS DOWN YOUR TROUSERS.

THAT WAS MISS FENNEL FROM SOFT TOYS.

RUMOR HAS IT YOU WERE BANNED FROM THE DEPARTMENT FOR A WHOLE WEEK.

- THAT'S NOT TRUE, MR. LUCAS. - THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

HE WAS BANNED FOR THREE DAYS

AND MISS FENNEL WAS MOVED TO NOVELTY CANDLES

TO KEEP HER OUT OF MISCHIEF.

MIND YOU, IT DIDN'T.

ARE WE GOING TO GET A DOG OR AREN'T WE?

I WILL SUPPLY THE DOG. NOW LOOK,

PERHAPS WE COULD GET ALL THE PARAPHERNALIA TOGETHER

AND HAVE A REHEARSAL NEXT THURSDAY EVENING.

- YEAH. - THAT'S FINE.

OH, GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

- GOOD MORNING, MR. GRACE. - SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

MR. GRACE HAS COME ROUND TO MAKE SURE

YOU'RE NOT BEING VICTIMIZED BY THE CATERING STAFF.

HOW'S THE LUNCH?

SAME AS USUAL, SIR.

THEY ARE BEING VICTIMIZED.

AND MR. GRACE IS ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTED

THAT YOU'RE GOING TO PUT ON A SHOW FOR THE CHILDREN. ANY IDEAS YET?

WE'RE GOING TO DO PUNCH AND JUDY AND MAGIC.

MAGIC, EH? THAT'S FUNNY.

I WAS ONLY DISCUSSING LEVITATION

WITH MY NURSE YESTERDAY.

YES, I EXPLAINED THAT IF YOU SEE SOMETHING RISING

WITHOUT ANY VISIBLE MEANS OF SUPPORT,

WELL, IT'S ALL IN THE MIND.

IT CAME AS NO SURPRISE TO ME.

AND MR. GRACE USED TO BE AN AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST.

- DIDN'T YOU, MR. GRACE. - DID I?

DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO SIT ME ON YOUR KNEE

AND SHOW ME HOW YOU USED TO PULL THE STRINGS.

OH, YES, I THINK IT GOT CAUGHT UP IN YOUR BRA, DIDN'T IT?

OH, THE THINGS THAT GO ON IN THAT OFFICE.

I KNOW. IT'S LIKE A SENIOR CITIZENS' "EMMANUELLE."

WELL, I MUST GET BACK TO IT...

WHATEVER IT IS.

- YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL. - OH!

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

HEY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MR. HARMAN, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT MAINTENANCE PERSONNEL

ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE FLOOR DURING WORKING HOURS?

IN THAT CASE, I'LL PRESUME YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW NOTHING

ABOUT THE PUNCH AND JUDY APPARATUS AND COSTUMES

WHAT HAVE ARRIVED FOR YOUR REHEARSAL TONIGHT.

THAT'S A DIFFERENT MATTER.

BRING THEM UP IN THE GOODS LIFT AND AWAIT MY ORDERS.

AWAIT YOUR ORDERS?

QUEEN VICTORIA'S DEAD, YOU KNOW.

YOU DON'T GIVE ME ORDERS. IF YOU WANT ANYTHING, YOU MAKE A REQUEST...

PREFERABLY WITH A SMILE LURKING SOMEWHERE ROUND YOUR LIPS.

AND IF YOU CAN'T MANAGE A SMILE, A LITTLE UNSOLICITED GRATUITY.

YOU CHOSE TO SMILE.

I BET THAT CAME AS A BIT OF A STRAIN TO YOU.

I SUPPOSE YOU'LL HAVE YOUR LIPS IN A SLING

FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK NOW.

DON'T STAND THERE GOSSIPING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

AND MR. HARMAN SHOULDN'T BE ON THE FLOOR.

I KEEP TELLING HIM THAT, SIR,

BUT HE WILL KEEP DELAYING ME.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, STEPHEN.

THAT'S LOVELY, MR. HARMAN.

VERY NICE, MR. HARMAN. AND ON THE NIGHT

- WE'LL HAVE PLANTS AND A PALM OR SOMETHING. - VERY GOOD, MR. HUMPHRIES.

OOH, HAVEN'T THEY DONE IT NICE?

YEAH, THE MAINTENANCE STAFF TOOK 24 HOURS TO DO THAT.

OH, ISN'T IT GOOD OF THEM TO GIVE THEIR TIME?

WELL, IT WASN'T EXACTLY TIME.

IT WAS TIME AND A HALF.

WE GOT PAID FOR IT.

WHAT'S THIS FOR?

MR. RUMBOLD SAID HE'S GOING TO PLAY THE INCIDENTAL MUSIC.

WE MOST CERTAINLY DIDN'T ASK FOR THAT.

AH, GOOD, THE PIANO'S HERE.

AH.

I FOUND SOME ABSOLUTELY FIRST-CLASS

PUNCH AND JUDY MUSIC.

MR. RUMBOLD. MR. RUMBOLD.

MR. RUMBOLD!

- ( music stops ) - WE HAVEN'T DECIDED WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO YET.

OH, WELL, WHEN THE TIME COMES,

YOU CAN RELY ON ME TO PLAY SOMETHING APPROPRIATE.

AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU ONLY HAVE TO SAY.

THANK YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.

SHALL WE ALL GATHER ROUND?

MR. HUMPHRIES HAS BEEN DOING SOME RESEARCH ON THE PUNCH AND JUDY STORY.

MR. HUMPHRIES, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE THE FLOOR?

THANK YOU. WELL, AS YOU KNOW,

PUNCH AND JUDY IS A TRADITIONAL ART FORM.

IT WAS FIRST PERFORMED BY THE COMMEDIA DELL'ARTE,

WHO WERE A TOURING COMPANY IN ITALY IN THE 11th CENTURY.

MR. HUMPHRIES, I WAS HOPING TO GET HOME TONIGHT.

DO YOU THINK WE COULD SKIP A COUPLE OF CENTURIES AND GET ON TO THE PLOT?

MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT, WHO IS GOING TO BE PLAYING WHAT?

LET ME SEE, WE'VE GOT PUNCH, WE'VE GOT JUDY,

WE'VE GOT THE BUTCHER, WE'VE GOT THE DEVIL,

THE POLICEMAN AND THE HANGMAN.

PUNCH IS A CLOWN AND HE'S ALWAYS IN TROUBLE.

- OH, A GOOD PART FOR YOU, MR. LUCAS. - Humphries: YES.

NOW, WHICH OF YOU LADIES WOULD LIKE TO PLAY JUDY?

AS SENIOR SALESLADY, I THINK I SHOULD PLAY JUDY.

JUDY IS A YOUNG INNOCENT WAIF.

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS A YOUNG INNOCENT WAIF?

WELL, IT IS MAKE-BELIEVE.

NOT TO THE POINT OF INCREDIBILITY.

FURTHERMORE, JUDY'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH PUNCH...

PLAYED BY MR. LUCAS.

YOU CAN HAVE THE PART, MISS BRAHMS.

I DON'T HAVE TO KISS HIM, DO I?

- IT'S ONLY MAKE-BELIEVE, MISS BRAHMS. - YES, WELL IT WILL BE.

NOW, I NEED A PORK BUTCHER.

DON'T LOOK AT ME.

THEY'RE ONLY MAKE-BELIEVE SAUSAGES, MR. GOLDBERG.

WOULD YOU DESCRIBE IT AS A MAJOR ROLE?

I'LL PLAY IT IF IT'S NOT A SMALL PART.

I NEED SOMEONE TO FRIGHTEN THE CHILDREN,

SO I'VE GOT YOU DOWN AS THE DEVIL, THE HANGMAN, AND THE POLICEMAN.

JUST A MINUTE. WHAT ABOUT ME?

ALL THE LADIES' PARTS HAVE GONE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

COULDN'T I PLAY A POLICEWOMAN?

THEY DON'T HAVE POLICEWOMEN. THEY ONLY HAVE POLICEMEN.

WELL, THEY HAVE PRINCIPLE BOYS IN PANTOMIME,

SO I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULDN'T BE A POLICEMAN.

WELL, THAT'S REALITY RIGHT OUT OF THE WINDOW, BUT IF YOU INSIST.

- I DO INSIST. - RIGHT, LET'S GET ON WITH IT.

JUST A MINUTE, WHERE ARE THE PARTS FOR US TO READ?

- THERE AREN'T ANY PARTS. - WELL, HOW DO WE KNOW WHAT TO SAY?

I SHALL TELL YOU THE STORY

AND YOU WILL IMPROVISE, SPONTANEOUSLY, ON THE THEME.

YEAH, AND WE HAVE TO USE FUNNY VOICES, DON'T WE?

WE DO, MISS BRAHMS... AND YOURS WILL DO VERY NICELY.

RIGHT.

EVERYBODY BEHIND THE CURTAIN. THAT'S NICE.

( Miss Brahms screams )

IF HE'S GOING TO START THAT, I'M GOING HOME.

I'M SORRY, MISS BRAHMS.

I WAS JUST GETTING MY TRIDENT READY.

RIGHT, NOW SOMEBODY OPEN THE CURTAINS, PLEASE.

OPEN THE CURTAINS. THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, WHERE'S MR. PUNCH?

MR. PUNCH?

HOW NICE.

( funny voice ) "NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT,

MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER BY THIS SUN OF YORK."

MR. LUCAS, WILL YOU STOP MESSING ABOUT, PLEASE?

- NOW, YOU'RE MR. PUNCH. NOW, COME ON. - "JAWS."

VERY FUNNY, MR. LUCAS. VERY FUNNY INDEED.

NOW COME ALONG, PLEASE.

MR. PUNCH, UP.

( squeaky voice ) ♪ OH, THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT... ♪

VERY GOOD, MR. LUCAS. THAT'S VERY NICE, INDEED.

( music playing )

MR. RUMBOLD?

MR. RUMBOLD?

MR. RUMBOLD, NOT YET.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU ONLY HAVE TO SAY.

IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF NOT LIKING IT.

IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF NOT YET.

CROUCHING DOWN HERE IS DOING MY BACK IN.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, WHY ARE YOU WEARING A FUNNY NOSE?

BECAUSE I'M A FUNNY POLICEMAN.

YOU ARE NOT A FUNNY POLICEMAN.

YOU'RE MAKING A MOCKERY OF THE WHOLE THING.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FRIGHTEN THE CHILDREN.

THEY CHEER PUNCH AND JUDY AND THEY HATE YOU.

( cackles )

- WHY SHOULD THEY HATE ME? - BECAUSE YOU KEEP BASHING

MR. PUNCH OVER THE HEAD WITH YOUR TRUNCHEON.

OH, WELL THAT'S SOME CONSOLATION.

I THINK MRS. SLOCOMBE SHOULD TAKE HER LIPSTICK OFF AS WELL.

WHO'S EVER SEEN A POLICEMAN WEARING LIPSTICK?

I HAVE... MIND YOU THE CIRCUMSTANCES WERE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.

EXCUSE ME, THESE SAUSAGES...

THEY'RE MORE LIKE CHIPOLATAS.

WILL IT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO THE PLOT?

I DON'T THINK SO, MR. GOLDBERG.

- MR. GOLDBERG. - YEAH?

THE PORK BUTCHER'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FUNNY NOSE. WHERE IS IT?

I COULDN'T GET IT ON.

RIGHT, WHERE'S JUDY?

HERE I AM.

HERE, I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK.

I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE A BABY, AREN'T I?

- THAT'S RIGHT, MISS BRAHMS. - YEAH, WELL THEY DIDN'T HAVE NONE IN TOYS.

AND ALL THEY HAD WAS A FACTORY REJECT CHIMPANZEE.

LOOK.

HANG ON JUST A MINUTE. I DON'T WANT TO BE DIFFICULT,

BUT IF SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE AN INNOCENT YOUNG GIRL, HOW COME SHE'S GOT A BABY?

WE WON'T GO INTO THAT AT THE MOMENT.

YOU'RE THE FATHER.

OH, THE SHAME. THE SHAME.

- NO WONDER IT LOOKS LIKE A CHIMPANZEE. - GET OFF OF IT!

MR. RUMBOLD!

MR. RUMBOLD! MR. RUMBOLD!

THAT WAS MONKEY MUSIC.

I KNOW.

- NOT YET? - NEVER!

LET'S TAKE IT RIGHT FROM THE TOP OF THE SHOW,

AND I WILL TELL YOU THE STORY.

THERE'S PUNCH, HE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH JUDY.

AND HE KISSES HER GOODBYE BECAUSE HE'S GOING OFF TO BUY SOME SAUSAGES.

NOW, COME ALONG. KISS HER GOODBYE.

OH, GOODBYE, JUDY.

I'M GOING TO BUY THE SAUSAGES.

GIVE US A KISS.

EEW. EWW. GET OFF.

NOW, YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY MONEY.

OH, SHAME. I'VE GOT NO MONEY. I'VE GOT NO MONEY.

SO THE DEVIL POPS UP AND HE SAYS,

"MR. PUNCH, WHY DON'T YOU STEAL THE SAUSAGES?"

RIGHT, NOW OFF YOU GO. OFF YOU GO TO THE BUTCHER'S.

OH, I'VE GOT NO MONEY. I'VE GOT NO MONEY.

OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR.

( normal voice ) MR. PUNCH, WHY DON'T YOU STEAL THE SAUSAGES?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SAY IT LIKE THAT, ARE YOU?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL. NOW IMPROVISE!

YES. AH...

- LISTEN TO ME, PUNCH. - I'M LISTENING.

THE WORLD IS DIVIDED INTO THE HAVES AND THE HAVE-NOTS.

- NOW YOU ARE A HAVE-NOT. - OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR.

GO, GET THEE HENCE TO THE BUTCHER

AND STEAL THE SAUSAGES,

AND YOU WILL BECOME A HAVE.

( cackles )

OH, STOP IT.

Humphries: WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

HE'S AN ACCESSORY BEFORE THE FACT.

YOU DON'T HIT HIM THERE!

GET OFF!

NOW, MR. PUNCH IS STROLLING ALONG THE STREET.

♪ STROLLING... ♪

MR. RUMBOLD.

MR. RUMBOLD!

NOT YET?

RIGHT, NOW...

GO AND KNOCK AT THE BUTCHER'S DOOR.

RIGHT, OFF YOU GO. KNOCK AT THE BUTCHER'S DOOR.

I'M GOING TO STEAL THE SAUSAGES.

♪ ...STEAL THE SAUSAGES. ♪

- WHAT DO YOU WANT? - ( deep voice ) SAUSAGES.

GET IN THE QUEUE.

WELL, I... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR? - YOU DIDN'T GET IN THE QUEUE.

THERE ISN'T A QUEUE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ISN'T A QUEUE?

YOU THINK I'M RUNNING AN UNSUCCESSFUL SHOP?

THERE IS NO QUEUE!

AS YOU WISH, MR. HUMPHRIES.

RIGHT. NOW THEN, STEAL THE SAUSAGES.

I'M GOING TO STEAL THE SAUSAGES.

THERE THEY ARE.

OH! MR. LUCAS!

♪ I'M GOING TO STEAL... I'M STEALING THE SAUSAGES. ♪

HEY, GIVE ME BACK THESE SAUSAGES!

GIVE ME BACK THE SAUSAGES!

- I GOT THE SAUSAGES! - GIVE ME BACK THE SAUSAGES!

STOP IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?!

YOU'RE STEALING SAUSAGES

AND IF I'M A POLICEMAN, I'M NOT GOING

TO STAND BY AND WATCH HIM PINCH SAUSAGES.

YOU DON'T SEE HIM PINCH THEM BECAUSE YOUR ATTENTION IN DIVERTED

BY A BURGLAR ON THE ROOF OF THE TOWN HALL!

- WHERE'S THAT? - OVER THERE!

( whistles ) STOP THIEF! STOP THIEF!

GET BACK TO THE POLICE STATION!

RIGHT, NOW STEAL THE SAUSAGES AGAIN.

I'M GOING TO STEAL THE SAUSAGES AGAIN.

HEY, GIVE ME BACK MY SAUSAGES!

LOOK, HANG ON!

HOW CAN I STEAL THEM IF HE WON'T LET GO OF THEM?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU WANT ME TO STAND BY IDLE

WHILE HE PINCHES A POUND OF MY BEST CHIPOLATAS

AND I'VE GOT A GOOD CUSTOMER WAITING FOR THEM?

MR. GOLDBERG! MR. GOLDBERG, PLEASE,

DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY WITH YOUR ROLE.

IT'S ONLY MAKE-BELIEVE.

( sobbing )

I AM SORRY, MR. HUMPHRIES.

IT WAS VERY INSENSITIVE OF ME.

I KNOW HOW DEEPLY YOU FEEL

AND I THINK YOU'RE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB.

I DIDN'T WANT THE JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THEY'RE ALL SO TEMPERAMENTAL!

- YOU ONLY HAVE TO TELL ME WHEN. - I KNOW.

AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU ONLY HAVE TO SAY.

I KNOW. EXCUSE ME.

( blows nose )

THANK YOU.

I'M MUCH BETTER NOW.

I'D NO IDEA YOU COULD BE SO KIND AND UNDERSTANDING.

YOU'VE GIVEN ME THE STRENGTH TO CARRY ON.

EXCUSE ME.

RIGHT, WE'LL GO FROM THE TOP.

NOW, MR. PUNCH... WHERE'S JUDY?

HE'S SAYING GOODBYE TO JUDY.

YOU KISS HER GOODBYE BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL THE SAUSAGES.

NOW, COME ALONG. LET'S ALL GET TOGETHER.

GOODBYE, JUDY, I'M GOING TO STEAL THE SAUSAGES AGAIN.

GIVE US A KISS.

- ( screams ) - GET OFF! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?

- ( all talking together ) - YOU'RE SPOILING IT!

Lucas: GET OFF, YOU BAT!

AHHH!

( piano music playing )

( squeaking )

♪ KIDS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY ♪

♪ KIDS, WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY? ♪

♪ KIDS, THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT DISRESPECTFUL OAFS ♪

♪ NOISY, CRAZY, SLOPPY, LAZY LOAFERS ♪

♪ WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT ♪

♪ KIDS, YOU CAN TALK AND TALK TILL YOUR FACE IS BLUE ♪

♪ KIDS, BUT THEY STILL DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE ♪

♪ PERFECT IN EVERY WAY? ♪

♪ WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY? ♪

♪ KIDS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY ♪

♪ KIDS, WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY? ♪

♪ KIDS, THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS ♪

♪ AND SO IMMATURE ♪

♪ I DON'T SEE WHY ANYBODY WANTS THEM ♪

♪ THEY'RE SO DREADFUL ♪

♪ KIDS, WHAT THE DEVIL'S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY? ♪

- ♪ KIDS... ♪ - ♪ WHO WOULD EVER THINK THEY'D TURN OUT THIS WAY? ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE ♪

♪ PERFECT IN EVERY WAY? ♪

♪ WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY? ♪

( applause )

( squeaks )