Original subtitles

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

ARE YOU BEING SERVED OR ARE YOU JUST LOOKING?

- I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO SERVE ME. - IN THAT CASE, I'M FREE.

WHAT'LL IT BE? JACKET, TROUSERS, OR A NEW WOOLY PULLY?

I BOUGHT THESE SOCKS LAST WEEK, THEY'VE ONLY BEEN WASHED ONCE, AND LOOK.

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NON-SHRINK.

AH, YES.

I SEE WHAT THE TROUBLE IS, SIR. THEY'RE PURE WOOL.

VERY OFTEN PURE WOOL SOCKS ARE MADE FROM TWO DIFFERENT HERDS.

YOU MIGHT GET ONE HERD COME FROM THE SHETLANDS

THE OTHER DOWN IN CORNWALL.

NOW THE SHETLAND LOT WON'T SHRINK

BECAUSE THEY'RE STANDING IN THE RAIN ALL DAY.

SO THIS MUST BE THE CORNISH SOCK AND THAT'S THE SHETLAND.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

I SHALL GET IN TOUCH WITH THE CORNISH FARMER

AND GET HIS SHEEP SENT UP TO SHETLAND.

- I WANT MY MONEY BACK. - YES.

- MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE? - I AM FREE.

THIS GENTLEMAN WANTS HIS MONEY BACK ON ACCOUNT OF THE FACT

THAT HIS SOCKS HAVE SHRUNK IN THE WASH.

DID YOU WASH THEM YOURSELF OR DID YOUR WIFE WASH THEM?

- I LIVE ALONE. - OH, I SEE.

- WHAT DID YOU WASH THEM IN? - IN THE BATH.

I MEAN, WHAT DID YOU USE TO WASH THEM WITH?

- WATER. - WATER, YES.

YOU CAN GO TO COFFEE IF YOU LIKE, MR. LUCAS

THIS IS GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME.

IT'S OKAY. THIS CASE HAS MY FULL ATTENTION.

- WAS IT HOT WATER, SIR? - WELL, OF COURSE IT WAS.

AH, YOU SEE, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LUKE. IT SAYS SO ON THE INSTRUCTIONS.

- "LUKE." - I CAN'T READ THAT. IT'S TOO SMALL.

- OF COURSE IT IS. IT SHRUNK. - I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

YES, OUR SENIOR ASSISTANT MR. GOLDBERG WILL HAVE TO MAKE THAT DECISION.

MR. GOLDBERG, ARE YOU FREE?

AT THE MOMENT, MR. HUMPHRIES, YES.

THIS CUSTOMER OF MR. LUCAS' FAILED TO FOLLOW

THE WASHING INSTRUCTIONS ON THE SOCK AND IT SHRUNK.

AND HE WOULD LIKE HIS MONEY BACK. WHAT IS YOUR DECISION?

MR. GOLDBERG ALWAYS MAKES THESE DECISIONS.

WE MUST GIVE THE CUSTOMER HIS MONEY BACK, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- CERTAINLY, MR. GOLDBERG. - ON ONE SOCK.

IF YOU'RE NOT SATISFIED WITH THE GOODS,

BRING THEM BACK WITH THE RECEIPT AND ASK FOR YOUR MONEY BACK.

YOU WON'T GET IT, BUT YOU CAN ASK FOR IT.

NOW, WHAT'S THIS BIG NEWS YOU HAD TO TELL ME?

TODAY IS A VERY SPECIAL DAY.

WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT TODAY?

TODAY'S THE DAY MY PUSSY COMES OF AGE.

OH, YOU MEAN IT'S 21 YEARS SINCE YOU FIRST HAD IT?

NO...

IT'S THREE YEARS SINCE I FIRST HAD HER.

YOU SEE, IT CAT LIFE

ONE YEAR COUNTS AS SEVEN.

SO THAT MEANS SHE'S 21 TODAY!

OH, ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE HER THE KEY OF THE DOOR?

NO. ANYWAY, SHE DOESN'T NEED IT.

SHE'S GOT A LITTLE FLAP.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT I'VE GOT FOR HER?

OH YEAH.

WELL, A LEG OF SOUTHERN FRIED CHICKEN.

AND A MINK COLLAR WITH A LITTLE BELL.

- IS THAT REAL MINK? - OH, OF COURSE.

I WOULDN'T GIVE HER IMITATION.

THAT'S MADE OF CAT.

AND A RECORD OF LENA ZAVARONI.

OH, IS THAT HER FAVORITE?

NO, BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY

I CAN GET HER TO GO OUT WHEN IT'S RAINING.

AND SOMETHING SHE'S BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO FOR AGES...

- A CLOCKWORK MOUSE. - OOOH. LET'S SEE IT GO.

- WHERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK? - OH, HE'S NOT HERE YET.

WELL...

( laughs ) IT IS SWEET.

OOOH! OH, DASH!

- OH, WHERE'S IT GONE? - I CAN'T SEE IT.

LISTEN, AND WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO HEAR THE CLOCKWORK.

OH, IT'S LIKE PETER PAN AND THE CROCODILE.

SHHH!

( elevator dings )

SO ANYWAY, I STUFFED A PINEAPPLE IN THE HOLE

AND I SAID GIVE ME A RING TOMORROW AND LET ME KNOW IF IT'S STOPPED.

WELL... ( screams )

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MR. HUMPHRIES?

THERE'S A MOUSE ROUND MY DRAWERS.

HERE IT IS. HEY, IT'S CLOCKWORK.

IS THIS ANOTHER OF YOUR JOKES, MR. LUCAS?

NOT GUILTY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I AM IN NO MOOD FOR PRACTICAL JOKES.

NOW, WHAT IDIOT RELEASED THIS MOUSE ON THE FLOOR?

I SHALL COUNT TO 10,

AND IF NO ONE OWNS UP, WE SHALL REMAIN BEHIND

AFTER THE STORE CLOSES UNTIL THIS MATTER IS RESOLVED.

ONE, TWO, THREE...

- OWN UP OR I'LL TELL ON YOU. - YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

YES I WOULD. I'VE GOT A DATE TONIGHT.

- SNEAK. - GET YOUR HAND UP.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, AM I TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE THE MISCREANT?

THE WHAT?

THE PERSON WHO RELEASED THIS OBJECT?

- WELL, YES... - I DON'T WANT ANY EXCUSES.

I SHALL CONFISCATE THIS.

IF YOU WISH TO RETRIEVE IT,

YOU WILL FIND IT IN MR. RUMBOLD'S OFFICE.

THERE'S BEEN FAR TOO MUCH LAXITY ON THE FLOOR OF LATE.

YOU'RE ALL GETTING VERY SLOPPY.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

I'VE BEEN OVER 40 YEARS IN VARIOUS RETAIL OUTLETS,

AND I'VE NEVER BEEN CALLED SLOPPY.

- AN EGG STAIN ON THE TIE... - WHAT?

THREE WAISTCOAT BUTTONS UNDONE,

A FRAYED CUFF... I CALL THAT SLOPPY!

OH, MR. GOLDBERG, I'VE NEVER HEARD

A SENIOR ASSISTANT SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE.

HAVE I GOT EGG STAIN ON MY TIE?

WELL, NOT A BIG ONE.

I HAVE TO HAVE THESE THREE BUTTONS

UNDONE ON MY WAISTCOAT, OTHERWISE I CAN'T BREATHE.

- WHAT ABOUT THE FRAYED CUFF? - MRS. GOLDBERG WAS GOING TO TURN IT.

OH, DEAR, SHE HAS.

I'VE NEVER KNOWN HIM GO ON LIKE THAT.

I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.

PERHAPS HE'S HAD ANOTHER ROW WITH MRS. PEACOCK.

LIKE LAST TIME WHEN SHE THREW THE CUSTARD ALL OVER HIM

AND MADE HIM SLEEP IN THE SPARE ROOM FOR A WEEK.

IF I WAS MARRIED TO MRS. PEACOCK,

I'D SLEEP IN THE SPARE ROOM ALL THE TIME.

HE'S DEFINITELY NOT WELL.

HIS NOSTRILS ARE ALL DRAWN.

IS THAT BAD?

OUR MILKMAN'S HORSE HAD DRAWN NOSTRILS.

DO YOU KNOW, ONE MORNING,

IT DROPPED DEAD IN THE SHAFTS.

YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY, IF HE DELIVERED MY MILK,

I'D ORDER AN EXTRA THREE PINTS.

I CAN REASSURE YOU IT'S NOT AS SERIOUS AS THAT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

I JUST DO.

I WAS TOLD IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE YESTERDAY.

YOU CAN TELL US IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE TODAY.

LOOK, IT'S A VERY DELICATE MATTER.

MR. GOLDBERG, ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME

WILL TELL YOU THAT I AM NOT A GOSSIP.

IT'LL GO NO FURTHER.

BUT I DID GIVE MY WORD.

- HE MADE YOU LOOK VERY SMALL OVER THOSE FRAYED CUFFS. - TRUE.

IT WAS VERY UNNECESSARY TO MENTION THAT EGG STAIN.

I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT.

WELL, APPARENTLY,

HE WENT DOWN TO SEE MR. FRANCO IN THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT

HE WANTED SOME JOGGING SHORTS.

YOU KNOW HOW VAIN HE IS.

WELL, HE WOULDN'T BE SATISFIED

UNTIL HE TRIED THREE LOTS OF SHORTS,

BUT THEN DURING THE PROCESS,

MR. FRANCO NOTICED HE HAD A BOIL.

A VERY LARGE BOIL.

WHERE?

( laughing )

( laughing )

WHERE IS IT? TELL ME.

TELL ME!

( laughs )

POOR MAN.

DON'T KEEP IT TO YOURSELVES, TELL ME!

I DIDN'T NOTICE A BOIL ON HIS THUMB.

NOT ON HIS THUMB.

( laughing )

WELL, I THINK CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S GONE MAD.

JUST BECAUSE I USED A FELT-TIP PEN

ON MY BILL PAD INSTEAD OF A BIRO

HE WENT ALL UP...

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN THEY GO ALL RED

AND SWELL UP AND THEIR EYES POP OUT?

- "APOPLOPTIC"? - YES!

ALL I DID WAS USE THE WRONG FINGER

TO RING UP THE TILL AND I GOT A NO-SALE.

WHICH FINGER DID YOU USE?

IT'S IMMATERIAL, MR. LUCAS!

WHEN HE SAW THAT LITTLE RED FLAG

HE CAME CHARGING OVER TO ME.

HE WENT MAD FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

I THOUGHT THE VEINS IN HIS NECK WERE GOING TO BURST.

THEY WERE STANDING OUT LIKE SPAGHETTI JUNCTION.

MIND YOU, HAVING A BOIL WHERE HE'S GOT ONE...

IT MUST BE PAINFUL.

I'M SURE WE ALL FEEL FOR HIM.

YOU SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. THIS IS JUSTICE.

HE'S BEEN ROTTEN TO ME EVER SINCE I CAME HERE

AND I'VE HAD TO TAKE IT SITTING DOWN.

NOW YOU'VE GOT YOUR REVENGE BECAUSE HE CAN'T TAKE ANYTHING SITTING DOWN.

( all laughing )

PLEASE, PLEASE. SHH! SHH!

KEEP YOUR VOICES DOWN.

SHH. WE DON'T WANT THIS THING TO SPREAD.

WHY? IS IT CATCHING?

( laughing )

LOOK, WILL YOU LISTEN...

I TOLD YOU IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.

NOW PLEASE, PEOPLE CAN BE REALLY SENSITIVE ABOUT BOILS,

SO I MUST ASK YOU EVEN FOR MY OWN SAKE

DON'T MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT IT WHILE HE'S HERE.

I WON'T SAY A WORD.

I WOULDN'T BE THAT CHEEKY.

( laughing )

SHH!

- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK? - A CUP OF TEA.

- NO, I MEANT THAT THING ON YOUR ARM. - OH THIS. YES, YES.

IT'S A RUBBER RING.

THE MEDICAL DEPARTMENT HAVE HAD A LOT OF COMPLAINTS

ABOUT THE POOR QUALITY OF RUBBER

AND I VOLUNTEERED TO TEST IT FOR A FEW DAYS.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO TEST IT, YOU WANT TO TREAT IT A BIT ROUGHER THAN THAT.

YOU WANT TO BOUNCE UP AND DOWN A BIT ON IT.

THAT WILL COME LATER.

I MUST SAY THAT ANY RESEMBLANCE

BETWEEN THAT AND TEA IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY NEVER BRING THE WATER TO THE BOIL.

THERE SEEMS TO BE A LOT OF HILARITY THIS MORNING.

I SUPPOSE AS USUAL, I SHALL BE THE LAST ONE TO KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT.

JUST BECAUSE I'M READING THE PAPER

IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYBODY HAS TO STOP TALKING.

( all talking at once )

WE'RE HAVING A GOOD AMIABLE CHAT.

THERE'S A VERY GOOD ARTICLE IN THAT PAPER.

ABOUT THE... THE... GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY.

OH, YES, I WAS READING ABOUT IT IN THE BUS.

STANDING UP?

YES, IT WAS FULL AS USUAL.

IT'S MY THEORY THAT MOST OF THE MONEY

FINISHED UP IN SOUTH AMERICA.

YES. I DOUBT IF THEY'LL EVER GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.

I EXPECT THEY WILL IN THE END.

YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU?

NO USE TRYING TO HIDE YOUR SNIGGERING, MISS BRAHMS.

- YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU? - KNOW WHAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

ABOUT MY... MY MISFORTUNE.

- HOW DID YOU FIND OUT? - SOMEBODY TOLD ME.

- WHO? - MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I SEE. AND WHO TOLD YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

I'M NOT ONE TO TELL TALES,

HOWEVER, SINCE WE'RE ALL SNEAKING TODAY,

MR. LUCAS.

I KNEW MR. LUCAS WOULD BE IN THIS THING SOMEWHERE. WHO TOLD YOU?

WILD HORSES WOULDN'T DRAG THAT INFORMATION FROM MY LIPS,

BUT I WILL POINT.

I'M SURPRISED AT YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.

I'M SURPRISED AT ALL OF YOU.

HITHERTO, I HAD REGARDED YOU AS MY FRIENDS.

I... I'M SURE I SPEAK FOR EVERYBODY HERE

BUT I'M VERY SORRY TO HAVE CAUSED YOU SUCH DISTRESS.

WHAT I WANT TO KNOW NOW, MR. GOLDBERG, IS WHO TOLD YOU?

WELL, I WAS TOLD IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.

AND I CAN ASSURE YOU

IT WILL GO NO FURTHER.

YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH US ON THE THIRD FLOOR.

HELLO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

THEY'RE ALL ASKING AFTER YOU IN THE PACKING DEPARTMENT.

HOW'S THE BOIL ON YOUR BUM?

Rumbold: SORRY I WAS DELAYED.

NOW THEN, WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT, PEACOCK?

WELL, SIR, THIS IS A MATTER OF SOME DELICACY.

I'M SUFFERING FROM A MINOR, BUT PAINFUL INDISPOSITION.

DO YOU MEAN THE BOIL I HEARD ABOUT IN THE LIFT?

YES, SIR. I HAVE A COMPLAINT.

YES, A VERY NASTY ONE TOO, I SHOULD THINK.

NO, SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN

I'VE BEEN MADE A LAUGHINGSTOCK THROUGHOUT THE STORE

OWING TO A GRAVE BREACH OF CONFIDENCE

BY A MEMBER OF ANOTHER DEPARTMENT...

TO WIT... MR. FRANCO OF SPORTS.

YES, WELL COME TO THE POINT, PEACOCK.

IT ALL OCCURRED IN THE FITTING ROOM.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE FIRST RULE OF SALES ETIQUETTE

IS THAT WHAT ONE SEES IN THE FITTING ROOM IS IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.

THAT'S VERY TRUE.

WHILE I WAS TRYING ON A PAIR OF JOGGING SHORTS,

MR. FRANCO BECAME ACQUAINTED WITH MY AFFLICTION

AND BANDIED IT ABOUT THE STORE.

OBVIOUSLY, I THOUGHT YOU'D RELEASED THE NEWS YOURSELF.

IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD IF IT WAS JUST US,

BUT WHEN IT GETS DOWN TO THE PACKING DEPARTMENT, THAT'S TOO MUCH.

I FEEL MOST STRONGLY THAT MR. FRANCO SHOULD

BE REPRIMANDED THROUGH OFFICIAL CHANNELS

AND SHOULD MAKE A PROPER APOLOGY.

I THINK HE SHOULD WRITE IT OUT

AND PUT IT UP ON THE STAFF NOTICE BOARD.

I DON'T THINK I'LL ASK HIM TO GO THAT FAR, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

NO, THERE MIGHT BE ONE OR TWO PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HEARD YET.

MY FIRST INSTINCT

WAS TO GO AND PUNCH HIM ON THE NOSE.

BUT BECAUSE THIS WHOLE AFFAIR BRINGS GRACE BROTHERS INTO DISREPUTE,

I FEEL IT PROPER TO GO THROUGH OFFICIAL CHANNELS.

I QUITE AGREE. I SHALL PHONE MR. FRANCO AT ONCE.

I WOULDN'T HAVE DREAMT OF PASSING IT ON

HAD I KNOWN THAT THE INFORMATION

WAS OBTAINED IN THE FITTING ROOM.

YEAH, WE NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT BIG BLONDE

THAT CAME IN WITH THE LIMERICK TATTOOED ON HER.

WHAT WAS THAT?

THERE ONCE WAS A COUPLE OF ROCKERS.

WENT OUT WITH A BIRD WITH BIG...

THAT WILL DO, MISS BRAHMS.

AH, MR. FRANCO, RUMBOLD HERE, THIRD FLOOR.

I HAVE CAPTAIN PEACOCK HERE WITH ME.

OH, YOU HEARD.

HE FEELS THAT YOU OWE HIM AN APOLOGY.

( laughing )

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT LINE.

HE FEELS VERY STRONGLY ABOUT IT.

HIS FIRST INSTINCT WAS TO COME DOWN

AND PUNCH YOU ON THE NOSE... HE IS QUITE CAPABLE OF IT.

IN PASSING, YOU MIGHT MENTION THAT I WAS THE WELTERWEIGHT

RUNNER-UP FOR THE R.A.S.C. AT MERSA MATRUH.

HE WAS THE WELTERWEIGHT CHAMPION OF MERSA MATRUH.

I ASSURE YOU HE IS NOT BLUFFING.

HE COMES FROM A BACKGROUND

WHERE A GENTLEMAN TAKES A PERSON LIKE YOU DOWN TO THE GYM,

PUTS ON THE GLOVES AND GIVES YOU A DAMN GOOD HIDING.

I SEE. HE ACCEPTS THE CHALLENGE.

WELL, FIVE ROUNDS, THAT'S OKAY WITH US.

HE'LL GO 10 IF YOU LIKE.

RIGHT, VERY WELL THEN, SATURDAY AFTERNOON, 3:00.

YOU...

( screams )

OOH, HE'S FLEXING HIS MUSCLES.

OOH, ISN'T HE MARVELOUS?

I'M GOING TO ASK HIM TO SIGN THIS BILL.

- CAPTAIN PEACOCK... - ( grunts )

ARE YOU FREE?

AT THE MOMENT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WOULD YOU SIGN THIS BILL FOR ME?

BUT IT'S BLANK, YOU HAVEN'T SOLD ANYTHING.

I KNOW. I JUST WANTED YOUR AUTOGRAPH.

WE'D LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT WE

IN THE LADIES DEPARTMENT ARE VERY PROUD OF YOU.

WE THINK WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS MARVELOUS.

ME AND MISS BRAHMS ARE SEEING YOU FROM QUITE A DIFFERENT ANGLE.

AND WHAT WE SAY IS, "IF A MAN CAN'T STICK UP FOR HIS HONOR,

WHAT CAN HE STICK UP FOR?"

THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

LOOK AT HIM. HE'S BASKING IN IT.

WELL, IF I WAS IN HIS POSITION

I'D LIKE TO THINK THAT I'D DO THE SAME THING.

I WOULDN'T, BUT I'D LIKE TO THINK I WOULD.

DO YOU KNOW I USED TO GET INTO A LOT OF SCRAPS WHEN I WAS A LAD.

I WAS KNOWN AS GRUESOME GOLDBERG,

THE GOLDERS GREEN GORILLA.

( elevator dings )

OY, OY, YOU'RE DOING ALL RIGHT, AREN'T YOU?

THEY DO SEEM TO ADMIRE A MAN WHO STICKS TO HIS PRINCIPLES.

OH, THEY ADMIRE YOU... AND THEY'RE VERY SORRY FOR YOU...

LIKE THEY ADMIRED THE LIGHT BRIGADE.

ONLY A HANDFUL GOT THROUGH, BUT THEY ADMIRED THEM.

MR. HARMAN, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

WORD HAS IT THAT MR. FRANCO

IS VERY HANDY WITH HIS DUKES.

AND WHEN HE WAS IN THE NAVY, HE BOXED FOR HIS SHIP.

- TORPEDO BOAT? - AIRCRAFT CARRIER.

MR. HARMAN, DON'T COME ON THE FLOOR

IN YOUR OVERALLS DURING WORKING HOURS.

IN THAT CASE I WON'T TELL YOU ABOUT HIS SECRET WEAPON.

WHAT SECRET WEAPON?

HE'S GOT A KILLER PUNCH...

IN BOTH HANDS.

MAY I USE YOUR PHONE, MR. GOLDBERG?

I'D BE MOST HONORED, CHAMP.

I'LL GET THE NUMBER FOR YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'M MAD ABOUT HIS AFTERSHAVE.

HE PROBABLY SPLASHES IT ALL OVER.

- WHO DO YOU WANT? - MR. GRACE.

A RATHER WORRYING THOUGHT HAS STRUCK ME.

I HADN'T OBTAINED MR. GRACE'S PERMISSION

AND HE MAY, OF COURSE, NOT ALLOW THE FIGHT TO PROCEED.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE PLACE ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON.

- HE WON'T KNOW ABOUT IT. - AND WE WON'T SAY ANYTHING.

NO, BUT AS A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE,

I FEEL I OUGHT TO TELL HIM. THANK YOU.

I CAN ONLY SEE A BIT OF THE PINK FROM HERE.

I CAN SEE QUITE A LOT FROM HERE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE ME RUSH IT.

NO, NO, TAKE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.

OH.

EXCUSE ME, MR. GRACE, BUT CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S ON THE PHONE FOR YOU.

- HELLO, PEACOCK. - Hello, sir.

WHAT'S ALL THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU HAVING A PUNCH-UP ON SATURDAY?

OH, YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT IT, SIR?

WELL, I THOUGHT IT ONLY RIGHT TO CONSULT YOU.

BECAUSE I FELT THAT YOU MAY WISH TO BAN IT.

BAN IT? I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

I'VE GOT A FIVER ON.

OH, I... I HOPE I DON'T LET YOU DOWN, SIR.

NOT ON YOU, ON THE OTHER FELLOW.

HE DID VERY WELL IN THE INTER-STORE FINALS.

KNOCKED OUT THE HEAVYWEIGHT FROM MOTHERCARE.

( whimpers )

PEACOCK? HELLO, PEACOCK?

Peacock?

COME ON, MISS BRAHMS, LET'S GET A GOOD RINGSIDE SEAT.

WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. THEY'LL BE COMING.

( gargles )

THAT WORKS.

WHERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK? IS HE STILL IN THE FITTING ROOM?

HE HASN'T ARRIVED AT THE FITTING ROOM YET.

WE HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SINCE FRIDAY NIGHT.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

OH, MY HERO! I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T LET US DOWN!

THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OF COURSE I WOULDN'T LET YOU DOWN... NORMALLY.

- WHAT? - WELL, AS A PRECAUTION,

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR FOR A FINAL CHECK-UP

BUT BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING HE'D INJECTED ME WITH ANTIBIOTICS.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?

TO MY DISMAY, THE DOCTOR POINTED OUT

THAT AFTER TAKING ANTIBIOTICS

ONE MUSTN'T DRINK... OR BOX.

MY DOCTOR'S NEVER TOLD ME THAT.

PERHAPS IN YOUR CASE HE THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T APPLY.

DOES THIS MEAN YOU CAN'T FIGHT, PEACOCK?

IN A WORD, I'M AFRAID SO.

BUT THE HONOR OF THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT'S AT STAKE.

I ACCEPTED THE CHALLENGE.

ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU GO AND FIGHT HIM.

WELL, I CAN'T FIGHT, BECAUSE I WEAR GLASSES.

- TAKE THEM OFF. - IF I DO THAT, I CAN'T SEE.

WELL, I HOPE SOMEBODY'S GOING TO FIGHT HIM.

I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP MY AFTERNOON'S BINGO

TO SEE A LOT OF LILY-LIVERED FAIRIES MAKING EXCUSES.

I WOULD WILLINGLY STEP INTO THE BREACH,

IF YOU THINK A MAN WITH ONE LUNG AND A TRUSS

WOULD BE OF ANY ASSISTANCE.

NO, NO, NO.

WE'VE GOT A COUPLE YOUNGER THAN YOU.

YEAH, BUT NOT IN SUCH GOOD CONDITION.

YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING BIG. NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO SHOW HOW BIG YOU ARE.

I WOULD... WERE IT NOT FOR THE FACT

THAT MY POOR OLD MOTHER FOR WHOM THE SLIGHTEST EXCITEMENT

COULD PROVE FATAL, MADE ME JOIN THIS RELIGIOUS SECT.

YES, IT'S CALLED COWARDS ANONYMOUS.

VERY NEARLY RIGHT.

THE OTHER NIGHT, I WENT TO THE MEETING AND I ROLLED UP

MY LEFT TROUSER LEG AND HOLDING A DEAD CHICKEN IN MY OUTSTRETCHED HAND

I SWORE BEFORE THE HIGH LAMA I WOULD DO NO VIOLENCE

TO ANY LIVING THING ANIMAL, VEGETABLE OR INSECT.

UNFORTUNATELY I ATE A LETTUCE LEAF WITH A CATERPILLAR ON IT

- AND I'M STILL DOING PENANCE. - WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?

OH, I'VE NEVER BOXED IN MY LIFE.

NOW WRESTLING, THAT'S ANOTHER MATTER.

I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT YOU WERE THE WRESTLING SORT.

I WAS KNOWN AS HUGGER HUMPHRIES.

THEY HAD TO PULL ME OFF PEOPLE.

I WAS THE CATCH- AS-CATCH-CAN CHAMPION

OF THE BARLYMOOR ROAD MIXED INFANTS.

WELL, IT'S ALL DOWN TO MISS BRAHMS OR MRS. SLOCOMBE

AND MY MONEY'S ON THE HEAVYWEIGHT.

WEAK AS WATER!

IF I WAS A MAN, I'D BE IN THERE!

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SHAVED YOUR MOUSTACHE OFF THEN, SHOULD YOU?

WE SHALL JUST HAVE TO POSTPONE THE MATCH UNTIL CAPTAIN PEACOCK IS BETTER.

I MAY BE ON ANTIBIOTICS FOR LIFE.

Rumbold: AH.

WELL, NICE TO SEE YOU, MR. FRANCO,

BUT I'M AFRAID WE HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

I THINK YOU OUGHT TO HEAR OUR BAD NEWS FIRST.

DUE TO THE SIZE OF MR. FRANCO'S HANDS

THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT CAN'T GET A PAIR OF GLOVES TO FIT HIM.

AH, CHICKENING OUT, EH?

I'M NOT CHICKENING OUT.

I CAN BEAT YOU WITH MY OWN HANDS.

- DO YOU MEAN WRESTLING? - ANYTHING YOU LIKE.

HOW ABOUT CATCH-AS-CATCH-CAN?

THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

Peacock: UNFORTUNATELY, I'M ONLY A BOXING MAN.

- Franco: CHICKENING OUT, EH? - CERTAINLY NOT!

- MR. HUMPHRIES! - I'M NOT FREE.

OH, YES YOU ARE. GET HIM.

YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE, THIS IS THE LADIES FITTING ROOM.

OH, NO! PUT ME DOWN!

NO, PLEASE, NO, PUT ME DOWN!

- TAKE YOUR TROUSERS OFF. - OH.

I NEVER THOUGHT THOSE WORDS COULD CAUSE SUCH MIXED EMOTIONS.

TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME!

I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO HARM ANYTHING ANIMAL, VEGETABLE OR INSECT.

THEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT FAIRY CAKES.

NO!

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS SINCE "EMMANUELLE II"

MRS. SLOCOMBE: TAKE THEM OFF! TAKE HIS THINGS OFF!

OWW! YOU VERY NEARLY DID.

- AND... - ( screams )

Harman: MY LORDS, AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

ON THE RIGHT, MR. FRANCO FROM SPORTS EQUIPMENT...

- ( cheers ) - ( boos )

ON MY LEFT, MR. WILBERFORCE CLAYBORNE HUMPHRIES OF GENTS READY-MADES.

( cheers )

THIS IS A THREE-ROUND CONTEST.

TWO FALLS OR A SUBMISSION

TO DECIDE THE WINNER...

OR THE FIRST OF THE TWO GENTLEMEN TO RUN AWAY.

NOW, I WANT NO UNNECESSARY GOUGING OR KICKING WITH THE POINT OF THE TOE.

- OH NO... - NOT SO FAST.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYBODY SO KEEN.

ALL RIGHT, ANY QUESTIONS?

YES. DID YOU GET THAT RIBBON FROM HABERDASHERY?

WATCH IT, TWINKLE TOES.

RIGHT. GO TO YOUR CORNERS

AND COME OUT FIGHTING WHEN I RING THE BELL.

NOW REMEMBER, MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU ARE STANDING UP

FOR THE HONOR OF THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT.

YES, WELL, YOU TELL MY LEGS THAT.

- ( bell rings ) - ROUND ONE!

ARE YOU LISTENING?

I HAVEN'T GOT MUCH CHOICE, HAVE I?

( cries ) NO!

HAVE YOU GOT ANY GRUDGE AGAINST ME?

OF COURSE NOT. I'M SURE UNDER OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES

WE COULD GET ON QUITE WELL. OWW!

IN THAT CASE, ALL WE'VE GOT TO DO IS MAKE IT LOOK GOOD.

I'M ENTIRELY IN YOUR HANDS.

( cheering )

HERE, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A FLYING CROSS BUTTOCK?

NOT FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, NO.

FIRST THING WE'VE GOT TO DO

IS WHIRL YOU AROUND MY SHOULDERS

AND SLAM YOU ONTO THE FLOOR.

THEY CALL IT A PROPELLER.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

YOU'RE GOING TO DO AN AGONIZING YELL.

I THINK I CAN MANAGE THAT. ( yelps )

HE'S GIVING HIM A FLYING PROPELLER!

- ( Humphries yelling ) - Franco: NOT YET.

Humphries: I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.

( groans)

( groaning )

THAT WAS A GOOD YELL.

I THINK YOU'VE DONE THIS GAME BEFORE.

BUT NOT WITH SO MANY PEOPLE WATCHING.

NOW... NOW I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

A PATAGONIAN NOSE HOLD.

IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY GHASTLY.

ISN'T IT TIME I GOT YOU INTO SOMETHING?

NO, NO, THEY'VE GOT TO HATE ME FIRST.

AND THEN WHEN YOU GET YOUR REVENGE

THEY'RE GOING TO LOVE YOU. SO HERE WE GO.

DON'T FORGET TO YELL.

( yelling )

HE'S ROUGH. HE'S GIVING HIM A PATAGONIAN NOSE HOLD.

THERE YOU ARE, THEY'RE HATING ME NOW.

I'M NOT SO KEEN ON YOU MYSELF.

( booing )

- I JUST REMEMBERED. - WHAT?

A BRAZILIAN ELBOW JAB.

OH, THAT'LL BE NICE. OW! OW!

OW! OW!

WHAT'S HE DOING? HE'S KILLING HIM!

HE'S GIVING HIM A BRAZILIAN ELBOW JAB.

THAT'S IT! I'VE SEEN ENOUGH!

- ARE YOU GOING HOME? - NO, I'M GOING IN.

YOU BIG BULLY!

WHY DON'T YOU PICK ON SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE?

THE WINNER ON A KNOCKOUT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WHICH JUST GOES TO SHOW

WHEN A WOMAN HAS A BEE IN HER BONNET, WE'D BETTER BEHAVE.

OR TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY, MR. HARMAN,

WHEN A MAN HAS A BOIL ON HIS BUM, HE BETTER BELT UP.

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS, TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS, RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪