Original subtitles

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS. ♪

THERE WE ARE, MADAM, ONE DISCO-FEVER DANCING SKIRT,

AND ONE PAIR OF FLUORESCENT TIGHTS.

AND I WONDER IF I COULD INTEREST YOU IN A PAIR OF THESE?

- MISS BRAHMS. - ( bells ringing )

EVERY PAIR HAS A DIFFERENT NOTE.

SO IF YOU LOSE YOUR PARTNER IN THE DARK,

ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS SHAKE IT ABOUT

AND HE'LL FIND YOU BY YOUR TING-A-LING.

THAT'LL DO, MISS BRAHMS.

- ARE YOU BEING SERVED, MADAM? - NO, NOT AT THE MOMENT.

I'M LOOKING FOR A DRESSING GOWN FOR MY HUSBAND.

- MR. GOLDBERG, ARE YOU FREE? - I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'M JUST STRETCHING A BOWLER FOR THIS CUSTOMER.

MAY I HELP YOU, MADAM?

NO, MR. LUCAS. I HAVE NOT CALLED YOU FORWARD.

- NOW GET BACK TO YOUR COUNTER. - SIR.

- MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE? - I'M FREE.

THIS LADY REQUIRES A DRESSING GOWN FOR HER HUSBAND.

WHAT DID MADAM HAVE IN MIND?

WELL, IT'S OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

ROBES, PLEASE, MR. LUCAS.

EXCUSE ME. CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

AM I SENIOR ENOUGH TO ASSIST MR. HUMPHRIES?

IF MR. HUMPHRIES WISHES FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, HE MAY HAVE IT.

DO YOU WISH FOR MY ASSISTANCE, MR. HUMPHRIES?

I THINK IT WOULD BE INVALUABLE, MR. LUCAS.

THEN YOU MAY HAVE IT, MR. HUMPHRIES. ROBES THERE!

THIS IS OUR FULL RANGE, MADAM.

- HOW TALL IS THE LUCKY GENTLEMAN? - HE'S ABOUT YOUR SIZE.

HE'S NOT ALL THAT LUCKY THEN, IS HE?

WHAT LENGTH DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

YES, WE HAVE KNEE HIGH, THIGH HIGH AND AYE AYE.

NO, I LIKE THEM ROUND MY ANKLES.

I EXPECT YOUR HUSBAND DOES AS WELL.

THEY ALL LOOK VERY NICE.

BUT I'M NEVER QUITE SURE WHAT MEN LIKE.

NO, IT IS A BIT OF A PUZZLE SOMETIMES.

SPEAKING AS A MAN, WHICH DO YOU THINK?

( in deep voice ) WELL, I WOULD SAY,

THIS IS A RATHER NICE ONE.

WE ALSO HAVE SOME FUN SLOGANS, MADAM,

WHICH YOU CAN HAVE EMBROIDERED ON THE BACK AT VERY SHORT NOTICE.

THANK YOU. THESE ARE VERY POPULAR WITH HONEYMOON COUPLES.

YOU CAN HAVE, "I DID IT MY WAY,"

"ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO BETTER."

HERE'S MY HUSBAND.

WE'VE GOT JUST THE ONE FOR HIM, HAVEN'T WE, MR. HUMPHRIES?

WE HAVE, "LITTLE THINGS MEAN A LOT."

IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

MOST CERTAINLY, MADAM.

JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED.

I THINK I'D RATHER DECIDE AT HOME IF YOU DON'T MIND.

WHY CERTAINLY, ONLY DON'T BE TOO LONG.

THE PRICE MAY GO UP ON WEDNESDAY.

I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THAT WASTING MY TIME.

I KNOW. WE WAS HAVING EVER SUCH A NICE GOSSIP TILL SHE COME IN.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THESE, THOUGH.

I DON'T THINK WE'LL SELL MANY.

I MEAN, WHAT SORT OF PERSON'S GOING TO BUY THEM?

POSSIBLY SOMEONE WHO'S GOING TO A DANCE TONIGHT

AT THE SOCIAL CLUB AND WISHES TO CREATE A STIR.

YOU DON'T MEAN?

( bells ringing )

♪ ISN'T IT AWFUL NICE TO HAVE FRIENDS TO RELY UPON? ♪

♪ YOU MUST HAVE FRIENDS ♪

MR. HARMAN, TAKE THAT CHAIR AWAY.

I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK, BUT THE ORDER TO PUT THAT CHAIR THERE

WAS GIVEN ME BY A HIGHER AUTHORITY.

- MR. RUMBOLD? - NO, NOT MR. RUMBOLD.

AND I DO NOT HAVE TO TELL YOU TO WHOM IT WAS.

MR. HARMAN, I WILL NOT HAVE YOU SPEAKING TO ME LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF THE STAFF.

IT'S TOO LATE NOW. THEY'VE HEARD.

FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M INSTRUCTING YOU TO TELL ME

WHO ORDERED YOU TO PUT THAT CHAIR THERE.

YOU'RE GETTING LIKE THE "JESTAPO," YOU IS. REALLY LIKE THE "JESTAPO."

I MEAN TO SAY WHEN WE COME INTO POWER,

I WILL BE THE ONE WHAT ASKS THE QUESTIONS.

AND YOU BETTER GET SOME GOOD ANSWERS READY.

- CAPTAIN PEACOCK. - NOT WHEN I'M ADMONISHING MR. HARMAN.

IN THAT CASE, MR. HARMAN, I SHALL REPORT THIS INCIDENT

AND DEAL WITH THE MATTER MYSELF.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, HAVE YOU GONE MAD?

- YOU DID THAT DELIBERATELY. - QUITE RIGHT, SIR, I WAS A WITNESS.

HE TRIED TO ASSASSINATE THE FOUNDER OF THE STORE.

I CAN'T APOLOGIZE ENOUGH, SIR. I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS FOR YOU.

YOU ONLY HAD TO ASK ME NICELY, AND I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

THESE KIND OF PRANKS ARE VERY DANGEROUS, PEACOCK.

YES, I THINK A VERY SEVERE REPRIMAND, SIR.

A REPRIMAND'S NOT ENOUGH.

NO, QUITE RIGHT. AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT DESERVES A SACK.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD TAKE AWAY A PRIVILEGE, SIR.

THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA. YES.

REMOVE HIS FLOWER.

ABOUT TIME HE WAS DEFLOWERED.

- CERTAINLY, SIR. - ONE MOMENT, MR. RUMBOLD. I MUST PROTEST.

I PAID FOR THIS FLOWER OUT OF MY OWN POCKET AS I DO EVERY MORNING.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ALTHOUGH YOU PAY FOR THE FLOWER YOURSELF,

IT IS A PRIVILEGE FOR YOU TO WEAR IT ON THE FLOOR.

I AM THEREFORE REMOVING THAT PRIVILEGE.

WELL THEN, THAT'S SETTLED.

YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. YOU CAME DOWN HERE

TO TELL THEM ABOUT THE HEALTH SCHEME.

HEALTH SCHEME?

THE ONE WE WORKED OUT IN THE OFFICE, SIR.

SHALL I TELL THEM OF THE LATEST DEVELOPMENTS?

YES, YOU'D BETTER. I'LL MAKE A MESS OF IT.

I WISH HE'D GET ON. MY LEG'S GONE TO SLEEP.

( bells ringing )

WHAT WAS THAT?

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S TING-A-LING KNICKERS.

THEY'RE FOR DISCOS.

MY GIRLS, THEY'RE VERY FOND OF THEM.

( bells ringing )

WELL, NOW THAT IT'S OUT, I BOUGHT A PAIR.

I USE IT AS A BURGLAR ALARM.

GO ON, SHAKE IT ABOUT THEN.

- I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING. - NEITHER CAN I.

DO YOU THINK SOMEBODY BROKE IN WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING?

MAY WE RETURN TO THE SUBJECT OF THIS MEETING?

YES.

GRACE BROTHERS HAVE WORKED OUT A PENSION BONUS SCHEME,

WHICH WILL GIVE YOU ALL A LUMP SUM ON RETIREMENT.

THE AMOUNT WILL VARY ACCORDING TO YOUR AGE NOW.

BUT I CAN GIVE YOU SOME EXAMPLES.

MR. RUMBOLD, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIVULGE OUR AGES IN PUBLIC.

I WOULDN'T BE SO INDISCREET, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

BUT OF COURSE THE YOUNGER ONES WILL FARE BEST.

NOW, MR. LUCAS AND MISS BRAHMS

WILL QUALIFY FOR THE FULL AMOUNT OF £3,000.

MR. HUMPHRIES, 2,100.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK IS THE NEXT YOUNGEST

AND WILL RECEIVE 1,700.

MRS. SLOCOMBE IS NEXT. WHERE'S THAT FIGURE?

OH, MRS. SLOCOMBE, I WONDER HOW MUCH YOU'RE GONNA GET!

THERE'S NOT ALL THAT MUCH DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN CAPTAIN PEACOCK AND MYSELF,

AGE-WISE.

YES.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK 1,700.

- MRS. SLOCOMBE 700. - ( laughing )

MR. GOLDBERG, £21.52.

PROVIDING HE LASTS TO THE END OF THE WEEK.

WELL, NOW, GRACE BROTHERS ARE PAYING FOR THIS SCHEME,

PROVIDING OF COURSE YOU PASS THE MEDICAL EXAMINATION

WHICH WILL BE IN TWO WEEKS' TIME.

MAY I SAY THIS IS A VERY GENEROUS GESTURE ON YOUR PART, SIR?

I KNEW HE'D SAY SOMETHING POMPOUS LIKE THAT.

ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOU DON'T PASS THE MEDICAL EXAMINATION

YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THE SCHEME YOURSELF,

OR, OF COURSE, NOT TAKE PART IN IT AT ALL.

MR. RUMBOLD, MAY ONE ENQUIRE

WHO WILL BE THE EXAMINING DOCTOR?

MR. GRACE'S PERSONAL PHYSICIAN,

WHO IS NOT ONLY HIGHLY REGARDED AS A DIAGNOSTICIAN

BUT WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE HOMEOPATHIC.

THAT'S SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

JUST CABBAGE? YOU'VE NOT BECOME A VEGETARIAN, HAVE YOU?

I INTEND TO GET A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH

AT THE MEDICAL EXAMINATION.

AND TOO MUCH MEAT GIVES YOU BLOOD PRESSURE.

IF YOU GET THROUGH ALL THAT CABBAGE, YOU'LL HAVE MORE PRESSURE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE.

WELL, I READ SOMEWHERE

THAT YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.

JUST HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN EATING SOUR GRAPES AND UGLY FRUIT?

ABOUT AS LONG AS YOU'VE BEEN EATING

SHEEP'S BRAINS AND PIG'S HEAD!

NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW.

ARGUMENT CAN BRING ON ACID INDIGESTION

AND WE ALL WANT TO BE FIT FOR THAT MEDICAL.

YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

JUST THINK, WHEN I'M 65, I SHALL GET 3,000 QUID.

IF I'M LUCKY, THAT'LL BE ENOUGH TO BUY A WHEELCHAIR AND A PAIR OF CRUTCHES.

ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW THESE YOUNGSTERS THINK

ONCE YOU'RE OVER 60,

YOU'RE ONLY FIT FOR THE SCRAP HEAP?

WELL, I'M OVER 60 AND I STILL KEEP GOING.

NOT FOR SO LONG, BUT I STILL KEEP GOING.

YOU KNOW, I WAS AT MY BEST WHEN I WAS 25.

I TOOK THIS YOGA CLASS, AND AFTER TWO WEEKS

I COULD PUT MY ANKLES BEHIND MY HEAD

AND WALK ROUND ON MY HANDS.

I REMEMBER THINKING THAT'LL COME IN USEFUL ONE DAY.

DID IT?

WHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE BUS STOP LIKE THAT,

YOU SOON GET TO THE FRONT OF THE QUEUE.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU LEAVE GRACE BROTHERS BEFORE YOU'RE 65?

- DO YOU GET A REFUND? - ARE YOU THINKING OF LEAVING, MISS BRAHMS?

WELL, WITH ANY LUCK I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF ME LIFE IN THIS DUMP.

YES, SHE MIGHT BE GOING TO BE HEARING WEDDING BELLS.

SHE THINKING OF TAKING DIGS NEAR THE CHURCH, THEN?

SOME PEOPLE DO ASK GIRLS TO MARRY THEM.

IT'S NOT ALL MEN WHO ARE ONLY AFTER A QUICK FUMBLE BY THE FIRE EXIT.

OH, THAT'S WHERE YOU TAKE THEM.

EVERYTHING YOU SAY

IS FULL OF INNUENDO AND DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING "MASTERMIND" AGAIN.

I SUGGEST THAT WE NEED AN INTENSIVE COURSE

TO GET AS FIT AS WE POSSIBLY CAN FOR THAT MEDICAL.

YEAH,

AND I INTEND TO GET UP EARLY EVERY MORNING AND GO JOGGING.

AND WITH A BIT OF LUCK, I'LL GET MRS. GOLDBERG AT IT AS WELL.

I SHOULD DO ONE THING AT A TIME IF I WERE YOU.

WHAT WE NEED IS TO GO TO A GYMNASIUM WITH AN INSTRUCTOR AND HAVE A PROPER COURSE.

THAT COULD BE EXPENSIVE.

I MEAN, SOME OF THOSE COURSES COST ABOUT £60.

YEAH, AND AS I'M ONLY GETTING £21 52p,

I'LL BE ON A DEAD DUCK.

- DANCERS ARE FIT. - WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?

I'VE GOT A FRIEND WHO'S A DANCER.

THEY'D PROBABLY GIVE US A CLASS FOR NEXT TO NOTHING.

WHAT SORT OF DANCING DOES HE DO?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT'S A HIM?

MY FRIEND IS A LADY BALLET DANCER.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A BALLET DANCER.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE. BUT THEY DO SOME MARVELOUS EXERCISES.

THAT'S WHAT GIVES THEM THE BIG MUSCLES.

YES, I DID BALLET ONCE. IT'S LIKE "KEEP FIT TO MUSIC."

AND YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR LEG UP ON THE BARRE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S ALREADY TRAINED FOR THAT AT THE LOCAL.

HOW MUCH WOULD YOUR FRIEND CHARGE?

NOT VERY MUCH. I DID HER A FAVOR ONCE.

MAY ONE ASK WHAT?

I SHOWED HER SOMETHING THAT ALTERED HER WHOLE LIFE.

- WHAT WAS THAT? - LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

SHE CAN'T HALF GET TO THE FRONT OF A BUS QUEUE QUICK.

STRAIGHT THROUGH THERE, TAKE THE FOURTH DOOR ON THE RIGHT.

THE GENTLEMEN IN THE BEDDING DEPARTMENT HAVE ALREADY GOT THEIR CLOTHES OFF

- AND THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU. - THANK YOU.

COR!

WHO WAS THAT?

THAT'S THE DOCTOR WHAT'S DOING THE EXAMINING.

WHEN'S YOUR TURN?

NEXT WEEK, WHICH DOESN'T LEAVE US MUCH TIME.

COME ON.

HANG ON A MINUTE. WHY AM I DOING THIS?

- SHE'S HOMEOPATHIC. - THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

ALL RIGHT, MISS, I'VE GOT THE PRACTICE BAR IN PLACE.

I'VE PUT THE PIANO OVER THERE,

AND MR. GILLESPIE FROM THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT IS GOING TO PLAY FOR US.

THANK YOU. HURRY UP, CLASS.

WE'VE ONLY GOT HALF AN HOUR.

I CAN'T...

I CAN'T BEND DOWN TO DO UP MY SHOES.

YOU'RE HAVE TO GET SOMEONE TO HELP YOU, AREN'T YOU?

- MR. LUCAS. - RIGHT.

( whimpers )

I AM THE FAIRY QUEEN AND NOW I MUST RETIRE.

I WOULD AWAY, BUT NO ONE'S PULLED MY WIRE.

STOP FOOLING ABOUT, MR. LUCAS.

COME AND DO UP MY SHOES.

COME ON, MRS. SLOCOMBE. THEY'RE READY.

DON'T SAY A WORD, MR. LUCAS.

I WASN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I HAD SOMETHING ELSE ON MY MIND, ACTUALLY.

I WAS JUST THINKING, IT'S TIME ARSENAL GOT A COUPLE OF NEW FULLBACKS.

IF YOUR BRAINS WAS DYNAMITE

YOU STILL WOULDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TO BLOW YOUR EARS OFF.

PERSONALLY... PERSONALLY, I'M STILL CONVINCED...

I'M STILL CONVINCED THAT WE SHOULD HAVE WORN TRACK SUITS.

YES, WELL THAT WOULD HAVE COST ANOTHER £8,

AND YOUNG MR. GRACE WAS RELUCTANT TO GO TO THOSE LENGTHS.

I MUST SAY I'M RELUCTANT TO GO TO THESE LENGTHS.

ARE WE ALL GATHERED?

YES, EXCEPT FOR MR. HUMPHRIES.

- DARLING. - DARLING.

- YOU LOOK DIVINE. - AND YOU LOOK SO YOUNG.

I ADORE YOUR PERFUME.

I ADORE YOUR AFTERSHAVE.

- DARLING. - DARLING.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE LAST MET?

IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME.

YOU WERE IN SWAN LAKE.

IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY!

♪ UM CHING, UM CHING, UM CHING, UM CHING ♪

♪ BUM BUM BUM BUM, BIDDLE UM BUM ♪

♪ POMPOM POMPOM, TIDDLEY OM POM ♪

♪ POM POM POM PAH ♪

♪ POM POM POM PAH, HEY! ♪

IF THE PRINCIPALS HAVE FINISHED,

CAN THE CHORUS JOIN IN?

YES, OF COURSE. TAKE YOUR PLACE AT THE BARRE.

THANK YOU.

MR. LUCAS, THIS IS NOT YOUR BARRE.

THAT IS YOUR BARRE.

- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? - THIS ONE IS FOR MANAGEMENT ONLY.

I'VE BEEN THROWN OUT OF BETTER BARRES THAN THIS.

RIGHT. EVERYBODY IN 5th POSITION.

- WHAT'S THAT? - I KNOW WHAT THE 5th POSITION IS.

- I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT. - LIKE THIS. LOOK.

RIGHT, EVERYBODY FOLLOW ME.

AND PLIÉ AND DOWN AND UP.

AND KEEP YOUR LEGS

QUITE BEAUTIFULLY TURNED OUT.

AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR. AND WATCH THOSE ROLLING ANKLES.

VERY NICE.

AND ONE AND TWO AND THREE AND FOUR

AND FIVE AND SIX AND SEVEN AND EIGHT.

( in high voice ) AND ONE AND TWO AND THREE AND FOUR

AND FIVE AND SIX AND SEVEN AND EIGHT.

NOW THIS IS FOR YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

AND UP, AND DOWN.

AND UP.

AND OFF YOU GO, BOYS.

OW!

AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND UP.

AND ATTITUDE. HOLD.

AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND UP.

AND ATTITUDE. HOLD, HOLD!

UP, UP, UP, UP, UP. BALANCE, BALANCE, BALANCE.

VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.

RIGHT, NOW WE'RE GOING TO TRY SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE AMBITIOUS.

IT'S VERY SIMPLE. JUST KEEP IT LIGHT AND GAY.

I'LL DO THE LIGHT BIT.

CLAYBORNE, DARLING, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT STEP WE DID IN SWAN LAKE?

- I DO! - LET'S IMPROVISE ON THAT THEN.

LITTLE TURN OUT. LOVELY.

YOU HAVEN'T LOST IT, HAVE YOU, DARLING?

NOT LATELY.

COME ON NOW, MISS BRAHMS, FOLLOW ME.

AND ONE AND TWO AND ONE AND TWO.

THAT'S RIGHT, BOYS.

KEEP EVERYTHING TUCKED IN.

OH, LOVELY.

OH!

WHO HAVE WE GOT TODAY?

THE STAFF FROM THE LADIES AND GENTLEMENS DEPARTMENT.

CAN YOU GET THE MEN IN, AND THEY CAN UNDRESS BEHIND THERE AS USUAL?

I'M AFRAID THE DRESSING GOWNS HAVEN'T COME BACK FROM THE LAUNDRY YET.

I'M GOING THAT WAY, I'LL SEE WHAT'S HAPPENED.

- COME IN, PLEASE. - THANK YOU, NURSE.

- WHERE'S THE DOCTOR? - SHE'LL BE BACK IN A JIFFY.

THERE'S A CUPBOARD THERE. TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

I'LL GO FIRST.

MR. GOLDBERG, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT YOUR CLOTHES IN THE CUPBOARD, NOT YOURSELF.

WELL, I CAN'T UNDRESS IN THE OPEN!

I DIDN'T DO THAT IN FRONT OF MRS. GOLDBERG

UNTIL WE WERE MARRIED 25 YEARS.

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

SHE SAID, "ISN'T IT FUNNY WHAT THINGS YOU SEE

WHEN YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE GUN."

IF YOU FEEL SHY YOU CAN GO BEHIND THE SCREEN.

WE'RE SHY.

COME ALONG, MR. LUCAS. GET ON WITH IT.

WHEN I WAS IN THE ARMY

WE HAD TO STRIP OFF IN THE BARRACKS ALL THE TIME.

I EXPECT THAT'S WHERE THE EXPRESSION CAME FROM, "BARRACK-NAKED."

MY BROTHER GOES TO ONE OF THOSE THOSE NUDIST COLONIES.

NOBODY'S ALLOWED TO WEAR A STITCH EXCEPT THE CHEF.

AND HE WEARS A METAL APRON

FOR WHEN HE'S CHOPPING PARSLEY.

RIGHT, NOW, I'LL TAKE ALL YOUR CLOTHES

AND PUT THEM IN THE CUPBOARD.

ALL I NEED NOW IS SOME HANGERS.

I SHAN'T BE A MINUTE.

OH COME ALONG NOW, EVERYTHING!

♪ OH, CAN IT BE THE BREEZE ♪

♪ THAT FILLS THE TREES ♪

♪ WITH RARE AND MAGIC PERFUME? ♪

OH NO!

Peacock: MR. HUMPHRIES!

MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU ARE REQUIRED TO REMOVE YOUR CLOTHES.

- WHO SAID? - THE NURSE. GET BEHIND HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

( whistling )

I'M NOT GOING ANY FURTHER UNTIL YOU TURN AND FACE THE OTHER WAY.

I'M NOT TURNING TO FACE THE OTHER WAY.

HURRY UP, HURRY UP! THE NURSE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE!

WHERE DID SHE GO?

SHE'S GONE TO GET US SOME HANGERS.

( bells ringing )

MY ALARM'S WORKING.

IT'S CHILLY FOR THE TIME OF YEAR, ISN'T IT?

I WISH THAT NURSE WOULD HURRY UP WITH THE DRESSING GOWNS.

IF YOU'RE EMBARRASSED WE'LL...

WE'LL TALK ABOUT SOMETHING TOTALLY UNCONNECTED

WITH OUR PRESENT SITUATION.

THE SOONER THE BETTER.

( whistling )

MRS. GOLDBERG IS COOKING A HOTPOT FOR SUPPER TONIGHT.

THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.

YES, WELL, I MENTIONED IT BECAUSE I PROMISED

TO BUY THE VEGETABLES IN THE FOOD DEPARTMENT.

- WHAT ARE YOU GETTING? - FROZEN SPROUTS.

TWO OUT OF 10.

IS THIS WHERE WE SEE THE DOCTOR?

YES, BUT SHE'S NOT HERE YET.

I'M SURE WE'RE... THERE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TWO SEXES

IN THE SAME ROOM AT ONCE.

WHY NOT? THERE WAS TWO SEXES IN THE ROOM BEFORE WE COME IN.

WHY ARE YOU ALL HIDING BEHIND THAT SCREEN?

BECAUSE WE'VE GOT NO CLOTHES ON.

( laughing )

IT'S NOT OFTEN WE GET YOU AT A DISADVANTAGE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'M NOT AT A DISADVANTAGE.

SHE HASN'T LOOKED BEHIND THE SCREEN YET.

SHALL WE HAVE A PEEK?

WE'RE NOT LIKELY TO GET ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY!

KEEP AWAY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID. KEEP AWAY. THAT'S AN ORDER!

YOU'RE ALL TALK WHEN YOU'VE GOT YOUR TROUSERS ON.

BUT NOW YOU'RE LOSING YOUR BOTTLE!

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I HAVE LESS TO LOSE THAN MOST OF YOU,

BUT I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD STAND HERE AND BE INSULTED.

I QUITE AGREE, MR. HUMPHRIES. RIGHT, SQUAD, LEFT TURN.

LEFT WHEEL, DOUBLE MARCH.

HERE'S THE MEDICAL REPORT FOR THE LADIES AND GENTS DEPARTMENTS, SIR.

THEY'LL ALL BE UP IN A MOMENT TO KNOW THE RESULTS.

AND MR. HARMAN WILL BE THERE AS WELL.

WHAT'S HE WANT?

HE'S GOT THE REPORT ON YOUR OFFICE FURNITURE.

YOU WANTED TO INSURE IT.

AND YOU DO HAVE SOME LOVELY ANTIQUES, HERE, DON'T YOU, SIR?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ANTIQUES?

THEY WERE ALL NEW WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE.

IS EVERYBODY HERE?

LINE UP IN ORDER OF SENIORITY.

WOULD YOU MIND WAITING OUT HERE? MR. GRACE WILL SEE YOU IN A MOMENT OR TWO.

SHOVE OVER.

THANK YOU.

PULL YOUR SKIRT DOWN.

WELL, HOW DID YOU GET ON, MR. GOLDBERG?

WELL THE DOCTOR SHOOK HER HEAD A LOT.

SHE NODDED AT ME.

THEY NEVER TELL YOU NOTHING, DO THEY?

SHE SAID I WAS IN VERY GOOD SHAPE FOR A MAN OF 70.

THAT SHOULD'VE MADE YOU HAPPY.

IT DIDN'T. I'M 63.

I THINK SHE'S GOT SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER TEETH,

ALL THE TIME SHE WAS EXAMINING ME SHE WAS GOING,

"TSK, TSK."

YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

♪ FRIENDS, ISN'T IT ALL FOR... ♪

BLIMEY, THE LOST TRIBE.

HARMAN HERE, SIR, WITH THE REPORT YOU REQUESTED.

COME IN.

THAT'LL BE OUR MEDICAL REPORTS.

COME ON, LET'S HAVE A LISTEN.

WE SHALL DO NO SUCH THING, MR. LUCAS.

ON THE OTHER HAND, IF WE SHOULD OVERHEAR,

THAT'S ANOTHER MATTER.

I CAN'T FIND MY SPECTACLES, YOU READ IT.

YES, SIR.

NOW, THIS IS THE OLDEST.

THE BOW FRONT WITH THE SHORT LEGS.

THAT'LL BE YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.

SHH, I WANT TO HEAR.

THE TOP'S IN VERY GOOD CONDITION.

BIT OF DRY ROT IN THE LEGS

AND THE KNOB'S GOING TO FALL OFF.

WHAT ABOUT THAT PRETTY LITTLE PIECE?

THAT MUST BE YOU, MISS BRAHMS.

WELL, IT CERTAINLY WON'T BE YOU.

Harman: OUTWARDLY IN VERY GOOD CONDITION.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S GOT A SCREW LOOSE.

OH, THE KNOCKERS AREN'T GENUINE.

BLOOMING CHEEK.

THAT BRINGS ME TO THIS ONE HERE.

OH, THE BIG CHEST?

ONCE USED BY A LOT OF SOLDIERS.

THERE WAS A LOT OF ODD THINGS FOUND IN THE DRAWERS,

BUT ONCE REMOVED, YOU COULD PLAINLY SEE THE RAVAGES OF TIME.

OH, AND THERE'S RISING DAMP IN THE BOTTOM.

NOW WE COME TO THE POUF.

OUTWARDLY IN VERY GOOD CONDITION.

A BIT OLDER THAN IT LOOKS.

A BIT SAGGY IN THE MIDDLE.

PROBABLY WORTH HANGING ON TO

IF YOU'RE PREPARED TO HAVE IT STUFFED.

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS, TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS, RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪