Original subtitles

[Music playing]

[Moaning]

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, baby.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Shit.

Oh, yes.

Oh, no.

Oh. no.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

[Music playing]

He's wearing a rug.

It's about time you got here.

I just don't get it.

Get what?

Abstract art.

I mean, what is that?

A boat, or a giraffe?

That's blood, Harry.

O?

No, AB.

Positive?

Maybe.

You better give it to the lab.

Already on it.

I'd like to speak with you regarding Henry.

Your ex partner really took it hard when his dog died,

Didn't he?

Well, it wasn't so bad till he got shot in the head.

That's when he started to bark.

He was a good cop.

Well, now he's a great pet.

Oh, Harry.

Nice of you to swing by.

I told you, Captain, I don't do that anymore.

What a shame.

Oh well.

Come over and take a look at this.

Whoa!

Oh.

Wow.

You see that green stuff?

Yes, sir.

Sperm.

- Cool. - Let me see.

Stop.

No.

Wow!

I see trails and colors.

Spiders.

Whoa! Giant spiders.

They're everywhere!

Kill them!

Wow.

What a trip.

So how did it happen?

Well, you see Harry, when a man and a woman...

Or another man.

Well, you see Harry when a man becomes aroused, he...

What he's saying, Harry, is our boy got his nut.

Came and went.

Scored and was KOed.

Hmm.

Anything to go on?

There's bathrooms down the hall.

Hey, Captain, over here.

Look at this.

Angel dust?

Cleaning lady's name isn't Angel.

It's Lupe.

Suspect?

No.

Mexican.

I want her brought in for questioning.

She's free on Tuesday's now.

This is pure cocaine.

It's been cut.

Haven't we all?

But it's not bad.

No.

You want us to find out who he bought it from?

No, Harry.

We could make a few undercover buys.

No.

Please!

That will just lead us to a blind alley.

We busted that blind guy in the alley last week.

Never saw us coming.

Harry, I'm putting you on this case.

Any latent prints?

Just the one so far in the closet.

Hi.

Look, Harry, this is the fourth murder

This month involving a scarf, a chain, a saw, and a dead body.

If I was a betting man, I'd wager that there

Was a connection between them.

I want you to find out what it is.

What what is?

The connection.

Between what?

The murders, Harry.

You're the best cop I got, Harry.

No offense, Dick.

Cause been established?

It looks like murder, Harry.

Who else knows it's a murder?

Nobody.

As I was saying, it's an estate sale,

And the owner is motivated to move fast.

So what do you think?

Well, it'll need a little work.

ID?

No.

I mean who's the stiff, captain?

Crazy Vinny, the used car king.

Crazy Vinny?

I bought a car from that guy.

Harry!

Harry!

Harry!

Harry, we got to stop this psychotic, whoever he is.

We'll get him, Cap.

We're the police.

Protecting people is what we're all about.

I knew I could rely on you, Harry.

You're the best cop on... that's my Harry.

HARRY (VOICEOVER): You know, I'm not such a bad guy.

I like people, and they like me.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Pig!

HARRY (VOICEOVER): Great tits.

Nice kitten.

[Meowing]

HARRY (VOICEOVER): Oh, bummer.

[Soft music]

Hey, Bo, how's it going?

Hey, Harry, what's going on?

Hey, how's the wife?

Donut?

No, no thanks.

Any mail for me today?

Yeah, you got something here.

A couple death threats, hate mail.

Nice.

Somebody sent this package, too, and it's ticking.

Did you order a watch?

I don't think so.

Hey, Harry, I heard you got a new partner.

Yeah.

How long is that schmuck going to last?

I don't know.

Seems real smart.

You could tell?

Uh oh.

What's wrong?

Jehovah witnesses in the back.

Cover me!

Can't you remember to keep the damn door closed?

FEMALE SPEAKER (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Hey, this is Sally.

I've been thinking about it, and I'm just not ready for marriage

Yet. See you later.

Bye.

FEMALE SPEAKER (ON ANSWERING MACHINE):

This is Debbie, Harry.

I've discussed it with the other members of my divorce

Recovery workshop.

We all agree... you're a creep.

Goodbye.

MALE SPEAKER (ON ANSWERING MACHINE):

Harry, this is Captain Hook.

Arr, Captain Hook.

MALE SPEAKER (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Shut up, Harry.

I want you to know that we found some interesting clues t

The scene after you left.

This could be the break that we're looking for.

I wonder where the killer is going to strike next.

MALE SPEAKER (ON ANSWERING MACHINE):

A reliable source told us it will be a bowling alley.

Now get back down here before I kick your ass.

Red light, you idiot!

Where do you want the hookers?

Book them down the hall.

No, the eyes were much bigger.

They were much bigger than that.

And the nose, the nose was bigger, too.

Ah, yes!

That's him!

That's him!

Freeze!

So what are all these new clues the captain was talking about?

Someone found some hairs under the bed.

Any pictures?

Very nice.

I've got to tell you, Dick, none of these clues

Make any sense to me.

300 calories.

Look like you're losing a few pounds.

Working out?

Not since the incident.

I'll tell you, Harry.

We've been partners, what, two weeks now?

And I am your best friend.

I've got to tell you... That was the worst

Thing that ever happened to anybody, much less

All those nuns.

Oh, it was horrible.

Wife holding up OK?

She committed suicide last month.

That's right.

I think I read about that someplace.

How are the kids taking it?

I don't think we had any.

Bates, Smoker.

I want you guys to know something.

You're the best officers I ever had.

I love you guys.

Really, I do.

But sometimes, you got to get up off your butts and get out here

And... oh.

Needs a little something.

Now that's what I call a cocktail.

You're a good cop, Harry.

A damn good cop.

I've never been closer with anyone in my life

Than I am with you.

But you've got to put that family

Tragedy in the past, man.

Concentrate on the future.

You've got so much to live for.

How's the wife?

She's dead.

How do you tell the difference?

So what are these new clues?

I got them here somewhere.

Ah, here they are.

Let me see that.

Long, leggy blonde seeks older, wealthy gent.

Wrong pocket.

We got this out of Diorama's coat pocket.

What is it?

Wedding invitation.

Let's go.

All right!

What are you doing?

Stake out.

Dick, get the coleslaw.

Sorry.

[Tires screeching]

Jerk.

Are you with the bride?

No, I'm with Dick.

No, no, no.

For the wedding.

Are you on the bride's side or the groom's?

Who invited Vinny Diorama?

The used car king.

I bought a car from you.

Hey, hey, back off, punk!

So did I!

That's not Vinny.

Vinny is dead.

I feel much better now.

Thank you.

Walk with me.

Where's the booze?

It's flowing like mud around here.

Are you blind?

Why is it I always meet the girl

Of my dreams at her wedding?

You know I met my old wife at a wedding?

Who was she marrying?

Oh, me, come to think of it.

You know, I read her the only religious passage

I knew... her Miranda rights.

Boy, our marriage was like one long conjugal visit.

Take the fucking rocks out of your ears.

Baby, that's the priest.

[Music playing]

I'm just getting warmed up.

I'm just getting started.

There's fire under that dress.

Tits!

I smell turkey.

Lyle designed the wedding cake.

He's an aspiring architect.

It's only a circle.

Yeah.

Well, like I said, he's perspiring.

By the way, what happens to that cute guy with the pager?

It's about time.

I ordered that drink a half hour ago.

Get me some h'ordeuvres.

I don't believe we've been introduced.

I'm... Harry Bates.

Pleased, detective.

How did you know my...

I was in that 711 that was getting robbed.

Oh, when I shot all those people.

The first time.

Oh.

You know, you're lucky to be alive.

- Did you ever find the robbers? - No.

But someone is serving time, so you can

At least be thankful for that.

[Clears throat]

Oh, lozenge?

Oh.

I'm sorry, this is my partner, Dick Smoker.

It was a lovely ceremony, Mrs. Beaverhyphenshots.

Montana, please.

It was a Montana ceremony, Mrs. Beaverhyphenshots.

The hyphen is silent.

You shouldn't try to hide it.

You should be very proud to still have your hyphen

On your wedding day.

Not many women do.

What brings you two to my wedding?

Not an invitation, certainly.

A car.

Why are you here?

Police business, I'm afraid.

You're afraid of police business?

But you're detectives.

Is this your house?

Yes.

How long have you lived here?

Since I moved in.

And what about Lyle?

He came with the place.

Have you known him long?

Well, detective, I've known men a lot longer.

Oh, really?

Men like Vinny Diorama?

Sure.

I know Vinny

You mean you knew him?

Knew him?

Vinny is dead.

Dead?

That's right, dead.

So why don't you just cut the crap, get you coat,

Tell your guests goodbye, come down to the station

And sign a confession.

Do us all a favor.

And if I don't?

Harry will start shooting your guests.

I'm in a 711 state of mind.

Yeah. OK.

Let me get my things.

Harry.

This girl is it, I just know it.

I'm your biggest fan.

I've had bigger.

So boys, who's first on the agenda?

Well, let me check my notes.

[Howling]

Mind if I have a candy bar?

There's no eating int he interrogation room.

So what are you going to do?

Arrest me for chocolate?

Can we do that?

Want some, Harry?

I'm on a diet.

It's got nuts.

And you know how you like Nuts, Harry.

Because of that trip you took with your family to the park

When you were a small boy, and a man in a dog costume

Offered you a handful of nuts if you would take him for a walk.

But he got hit by a car.

Didn't he, Harry?

Do you remember how sad you were that day, Harry?

And how your mother beat you for crying

And took your own dog to the pound just

To teach you a lesson?

How did you know this?

How does she know this?

Nobody knew about that dog except my mommy.

All right.

Who gave her my personal file?

Could've been anybody, Harry.

You've told everybody about that damn dog.

That's right, Harry.

And you know everyone in the department

Pretty much despises you.

Would you like to make love to me, Harry?

You've like a virgin inside, and I'm

Anxious to let go like never before in wave after wave

Of cascading ecstasy.

Like a waterfall.

God, I've got to take a piss.

No.

Like a ship being ripped broadside by a big torpedo.

Is there anymore of that candy bar left?

Now, Mrs. Beaver-Shots...

Montana.

Whatever.

Did you kill Vinny Diorama?

Would I be here if I killed Vinny?

Actually, yes.

This is a police station, and is,

In fact, where we bring people we

Suspect of committing homicide.

Am I a suspect?

Is the president a pot smoking, womanizing, draft dodger?

Is a tax hike regressive?

Got another candy bar?

I'm saving it or Harry.

You were seen with Vinny earlier

At the Heaven's Gate nightclub.

And you were seen with him entering his house.

A neighbor in a wheelchair saw you through his rear window

Tie Vinny to the bed and hack him to bits.

And you were seen leaving his house

With a blood drenched chainsaw.

Now, Mrs. Beaver-Shots, do you really expect us to believe

You didn't kill Vinny Diorama?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Boy, she's tough.

We've got to release her.

I'll tail her, pump her for information.

Tail her, pump her.

Tail her, pump her.

Tail her, pump her.

She's hiding something.

I just know it.

You sure you don't want any, Harry?

I'm on a diet.

I'm not.

We don't have enough to hold her, Harry.

You're like a son to me.

Make us proud of you, boy.

Not like the last time.

Bring back photos.

Why don't you give me a ride home, Mr. Bates?

Hey.

Hi, guy.

Oh, hi, guy.

Nice seeing you again.

Oh, hey.

Oh, thanks, Henry.

I missed you.

I sure did.

Well, I guess you know all the guys.

I support my local police.

Oh, that's nice.

Thanks for the ride, Harry.

[Horn honking]

FEMALE SPEAKER (ON INTERCOM): Dr.

Kimball, report to prosthesis.

Dr. Fellatio, report to ENT.

Dr. Kimball, report to prosthetics.

Doctors Mclntyre, Pearson, and [inaudible], report to makeup.

Montana.

Montana.

Montana.

Can you hear me?

I can't see you.

You're all blurry.

That should do it.

How do you feel now, Mrs. Beaver-Shots?

A little stiff.

No, that's me.

MALE SPEAKER (ON ANSWERING MACHINE):

Dr. Lingus, called OB/GYN.

Well, looks like we won't be needing this anymore.

Where am I?

Earth.

Third planet from the sun.

She's worse off than we thought.

What happened?

You were hit by a car.

Driven by your husband.

I was fired.

That's too bad, dear.

We're down to our last $50.

What?

Looks like we're going to have to go Las Vegas

And gamble our entire life saving so I

Can get enough money to build a dream house.

That will show the entire my world

I'm not a complete idiot, but the world's greatest architect!

But enough about me.

How do you feel about my plan?

FEMALE SPEAKER (ON INTERCOM): Dr.

Huxtable, your jello is ready.

What's wrong with me, Doctor?

Don't tell her.

Don't tell her.

Whatever you do, don't tell her.

Everything is fine, dear.

Will she be OK?

You mean like I'm OK, you're OK?

Well, he's a real loser OK?

Hard to tell about Mrs. Beaver-Shots.

We did take some x-rays.

FEMALE SPEAKER (ON INTERCOM): Dr. Fleischman,

Call your agent.

What's it look like?

She's either a Cocker Spaniel or a blowfish.

Either way, it looks like she swallowed a ball.

Can you take more tests?

I went to medical school eight years, detective.

I don't need anymore tests.

Doctor!

Come, quick!

In a moment, nurse.

In a moment.

Doctor, isn't there anything else you can do?

Well, I juggle, but I don't think that's going

To help in this case.

Matter of fact, nothing is until we find out who's

Going to pay our medical bills.

If you don't, Doc, I'd like to ask Montana a few questions.

And what are you, a malpractice attorney?

Doctor, are you coming?

FEMALE SPEAKER (ON INTERCOM): Dr.

Green, your codependent jumped.

Now, Montana, back at the station,

We were discussing Vinny Diorama.

I remember.

You were there.

And you were there.

And so were you.

That's right.

Now, you said you knew him?

Then I said I knew him.

He's dead.

He was dead then, too.

How did it happen?

Exploding headache.

Did you know him well?

I bought a car from him a few weeks ago.

And that's all?

FEMALE SPEAKER (ON INTERCOM): Dr. Welby, your patient died.

Well, yes.

That's all.

Are you still in possession of the car?

No.

Her sister Dakota has the car.

My twin half step sister once removed, actually.

Like we say in the Beaver house, a horse is a horse.

Of course, of course.

Well, where is this twin half sister twice removed?

Thanks, partner.

No problem.

Is she single?

She'll be here shortly.

She has an appointment with her gynecologist this afternoon.

Her schedule has been tight, but she has a small opening,

So it shouldn't take that long.

My heart, my heart!

Oh, no, no.

That's just my pager. Come on, Dick.

We've got a meeting at 8:00.

FEMALE SPEAKER (ON INTERCOM): Dr. Quinn,

Your show has been cancelled.

Dr. Gannon, lose the clogs.

So party 201?

Oh, yeah.

- Extras. - She is.

I'm not.

I'm Dakota, Montana's sister.

Her flight came in late today, wrote me out of the last scene.

[Piano music]

Great play.

William Shakespeare?

Story of my life.

So why are we here, Doctor?

Well, that is just truly remarkable, my good man.

All this time, I have operated under the assumption

That you were an idiot.

Yet all the while, you have contemplated

As have I the age old questions of human existence.

Where are we going, where are we from, and why are we here?

Yeah.

Why are we here when I could be at the monster truck pools.

Well, let me tell you why we're here.

You see, there's a little situation

Developing here that's turned out to be a real problem.

You don't have any health insurance.

He's right, Lyle.

What are we going to do?

Well, I could cut off his head and pickle it,

Sell it to the circus as a sideshow.

Don't worry, Montana.

We may not have any money, but we've got love.

And love is all need.

Love is all you need?

Love is all you need.

Love is all you need.

Yeah, she loves you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I don't care much for money.

Because money can't buy me love.

Look.

I don't want to alarm you to any great degree,

But I have come to the conclusion

That you don't have the money to pay me.

Now, this leaves us with very few options... one of which,

Of course, is a visit to your house

From Dr. D. Dr. Kevorkian.

Oh, Montana.

I'm such a loser.

What are we ever going to do?

Well, let me throw out this hypothetical possibility

For you which could solve all your financial problems.

Well, as long as it's decent.

What if I were to present to you a mutually agreeable sum

Of money which would entitle me to have my way with your wife

For one entire night?

Are you serious?

As a heart attack.

Lyle, please.

I'm a professional.

I operate under the strictest code of moral ethics.

I was merely presenting to you a hypothetical situation, a what

If, what if, what if, what if.

I don't know.

I mean, she is my wife.

What's in it for me?

60/40 split with the hospital.

Come on, Lyle.

What do you say?

Be a sport.

After all, the kind of money we're

Talking about here if wisely invested

Could last a very, very long time.

Whereas one night of sex with your wife

Is, after all, one night of passionate, hot, steamy sex

With your wife.

I get the 60?

All right, Lyle.

You drive a hard bargain.

50-50 and I'll even bring her back with her clothes

On having eaten breakfast.

Can I watch?

I like to watch.

Beggars can not be voyeurs.

I don't know.

It might ruin our relationship.

Oh, come on, kid.

A healthy sexual congress between two consenting adults

Is a profoundly beautiful movie experience.

Provided, of course, the husband of one

Is not a down-on-his-luck architect

With the brain of a gnat.

OK, but only if Montana agrees.

You really mean it, Lyle?

Oh, I do love you.

And we do need the money.

And it was you who ran me over with the car.

I promise you I won't enjoy it, OK?

And I'll think of you the whole time.

Now, just take your time.

I'll do it.

Nobody is forcing you.

I'll do it.

Whatever you decide, it's OK with me.

I'll do it.

So we got a deal.

No so fast.

Neumeyer, Montana's agent.

An agent?

Just need to iron out a few particulars here.

No big deal.

Whoa.

Now Doc, are we talking basic one night stand,

Or are we talking series here?

No, no.

I'm just thinking a little music,

A little more candlelights, and heavy

Foreplay, and a lot of sex.

Great, Doc.

You do know foreplay is extra, right?

No way.

It's part of the deal. Oh, no.

It's always extra.

We got a deal?

How much?

A million bucks.

A million bucks!

I don't carry that kind of cash around.

Well, what sort of figure do you have in mind?

Well, let's see what I have here.

All right.

$38.

Half a mil, take it or leave it.

OK, OK, you can have $58.

100 grand, and that's as low as I'll go.

All right, all right. $68.52.

Deal.

It was the best I could do.

He was ruthless.

But we'll get him on the sequel.

TV REPORTER: Still no break from the serial chainsaw murders.

Police are baffled by the rash of homicides.

And police spokesman Dick Smoker had only this to say.

Harry!

Harry!

Would you like to give a statement?

We are conducting an ongoing investigation.

That's right.

There is no suspect in police custody at this time.

No further comment.

All right, back off!

Back off!

That's right.

The complete set of fortune cookies and [inaudible]

Are just in $19.95 this hour.

Coming up, we have a...

My friend, you're probably wondering

How to become rich like Don Wu.

Well, my friend, I'll tell you... There are three letter words.

Three letter words that make you successful

Like Don Wu, my friend.

Sell your family.

When I first come to this country,

I have 50 brother and sister, my friend.

I sell them all off for scientific experiments,

And I'm able to profit, profit, profit.

I'm able to [inaudible] bikini [inaudible] and bimbos.

Of course, they're beautiful.

I paid top dollar for them.

Yeah.

When I first come to this country, people tell me, Don,

You're crazy, man.

Look at you.

You're a poor immigrant.

You don't speak English very well.

You've got beady little eyes.

You've got big fat lip, and you're obnoxious asshole.

I tell them to fuck off.

That's two word, my friend. Yeah.

You know why the reason why they say those things?

You want to know why they talk like that to Don Wu?

You have to come to the seminar.

Welcome to another episode of "Incredibly"

Unbelievable Ideas."

I'm your host Marty Haskle.

And you know, folks, I've seen a lot

Of incredible, unbelievable ideas in my time.

But today, we are going to meet the man who has cornered

The market on bad taste.

Ladies and gents, I give you Lyle Shots.

Hi, Lyle, and welcome to "Incredibly"

Unbelievable Ideas," the show where

People buy almost anything.

[Applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big,

Incredibly unbelievable welcome to Montana Beaver-Shots.

[Applause]

So Lyle, tell me... How do you intend

To get these good but simple people to part

With their hard-earned money?

Isn't my wife beautiful?

She's lovely, yes.

She's the kind of woman that men dream about when

Their wives turn them down.

Audience, let me ask you... how much would

You pay to sleep with my wife?

$1 million?

Sure, if you're a billionaire.

But most of us don't have that kind of money.

Am I right?

So how much would you pay?

Half a million, $100,000?

If you smoke Cuban cigars.

But I don't, and neither do you.

Montana, show these people what you can do.

So what do you think, folks?

$149?

You could buy a nice set of knives or maybe

A food dehydrator for that.

But let me tell you something.

Right now, it's not going to cost you that.

It's not going to cost you the price of the two

Carat diamonique or the unbelievable Engine

Attitude and car wax.

This stuff really works.

Or the Amazing Oven.

That's right, men.

Right now, and for a limited time only,

If you call the number on your screen,

You can sleep with my wife.

That's right.

You can commit adultery with a beautiful woman

For the incredibly low TV offer price of $59.95.

Offer not available where prohibited by law.

So what are you waiting for?

Call 1-900-DO-MY-WIFE.

That's 1-900-DO-MY-WIFE.

Call now before he comes to his senses.

Operators are standing by right now to take your call.

And so am I.

[Applause]

[Knocking]

Who is it?

FEMALE SPEAKER: A free gift for the lady of the house,

Courtesy of Growgaine, makers of Woman Oxodile,

A revolutionary new product that gives

Every woman that big hair look.

Free gift, come on in.

There is no lady of the house, is there?

She died recently.

That's what I heard.

You pushed her over the edge.

I read about it in the newspaper.

Oh, where did this dog... Oh, what a friendly dog.

Gee whiz, you must be allergic.

Hey, hey, hey... Come on, come on.

Leave her alone. Leave her alone.

Get back to your corner.

Hey, lay down.

Lay down.

Here.

Try this.

That stuff really works.

What is it?

[Inaudible] spray.

You must be a lonely guy.

I like my privacy.

Looks like you get a lot of it, too.

Why are you trying to nail my sister?

Only if she leaves her husband.

I'm talking about the murder.

What do you know about that?

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Sharp knife works best.

Especially around the paws.

I get the picture.

Look straight at the camera.

Don't smile, Ms. Beaver.

Where's Montana?

She's with my psychiatrist.

They're having an affair.

So do you think I'm pretty?

Sure, you're pretty.

I'm not too fat, am I?

Of course not.

You like my hair?

It's... big.

If there's anything you'd change about me,

What would it be?

Well...

Go ahead.

You can tell me.

You have such beautiful blonde hair.

Why [inaudible]?

Montana killed our parents, you know.

She said to meet her at a bar called Heaven's Gate.

She's crazy.

Why are you seeing a psychiatrist?

I'm not.

You said you were.

I was.

But I'm better now.

I can see that.

I hate her.

Let's make love.

Oh, Harry.

I want you.

What's the name of your psychiatrist?

Dr. Hasselblad.

Whoa, look at the time.

Got to go.

I'll tell you what... You feed the dog,

And I'll be back Wednesday.

Well, I think it actually started

With my great great grandfather.

He was a shipbuilder.

He built the Titanic.

And well, it really wasn't his fault. I mean,

Who would have figured there would've been an iceberg

Out there?

What do you want on your pizza?

Sausage and pepperoni?

I think last year when I got the job with the LA County,

I was... Hi, Captain.

Yeah, this is Jerry.

I'd like a sausage and pepperoni pizza, please.

I don't know the address.

Just trace the call.

So I understand you're the Beaver's psychiatrist.

Why do you ask?

Just answer the question.

Funny you should say that.

Well, we can take it downtown if you'd like.

Is that so?

Yeah.

Damn right.

I've got a gun.

How does that make you feel?

Empowered.

Breakaway overpasses.

Put them ll around LA.

It's a great idea.

Do you have health insurance?

As a matter of fact...

Oh, no.

We're talking about you.

Oh.

I have a degree from Harvard.

I did my graduate work at Yale.

I completed a six-month course of psychiatric study in Vienna.

Oh, I love those little sausages.

I served out my residency at Walter Reed,

And then was an intern at John Hopkins.

I'm licensed to practice medicine in 16 states.

I serve on the board of directors

For four major hospitals.

I teach psychiatry UCSF.

I have a thriving private practice with 7,000 patients.

Does that include suicide victims?

I was Mr. Universe twice.

My daugther sells more cookies than anyone

In her girl scouts troop.

And I completed three fire arcs with Tony Robbins.

In short, Mr. Bates, I am god.

Amen.

Now about Dakota Beaver.

What about her?

Is she homicidal?

Like her sister?

Of course not.

What about her?

Her sister... what pictures I have of her.

All in here, you understand.

Do you sleep with my patients?

Or they're personal friends or close relatives, Mr. Bates?

How do you know my name?

Montana talked about you.

She has a very rich fantasy life,

And you figure most prominently in it.

Please go on.

I can tell you nothing that would violate

The patient's confidentiality.

Even if I threatened to shoot you?

What do you want to know?

Why don't you tell me more about Montana Dakota?

Mr. Bates.

As you surely realize by now, there's only one.

Montana and Dakota are actually a third person we call Amanda.

She doesn't really exist.

She suffers from multiple, multiple personality disorder.

How many personalities?

More than a handful.

Ah, of course.

What a waste.

Have you seen them both?

I am her doctor.

They look completely different.

But I have never seen them together in the same room.

That is the key to the whole mystery.

What are you, nuts?

Why do you ask?

Oh, I don't know.

Just a feeling I have.

Try to get in touch with your feelings.

I've said too much.

I'm not a therapist.

I'm a psychiatrist.

I shouldn't do this.

So what about Dakota?

You want to sleep with one?

Sleep Montana, not her sister.

Why?

She's got bigger tits, stupid.

Boy, this has been real fun.

That's my dream... an inverted pyramid put on end,

Sort of wobbly, back and forth.

If I could just figure out how to get the damn thing

From falling over.

Time's up.

I will see you next week.

We are making progress.

What's a four letter word for woman that ends in UNT?

Aunt, A-U-N-T.

That works.

Got an eraser?

What can I get you today, boys?

No boys for me today, thanks.

- Dick? - Got one.

Harry?

Not today.

So what did you find with that address?

Well, found a house.

I knew it!

This is the break we need!

What are you looking at?

You think the house had anything to do with these murders?

Off the record?

Sure.

I don't think the house had anything to do with it.

Why?

Houses don't kill people, Cap.

People kill people.

But god damn it, boy.

People live in houses!

Animals kill people, too.

Dick is right.

Look at Katherine the Great.

She was killed by a horse, you know.

Oh, Lorena.

Hot dog.

[Inaudible] with a rope coming down,

And he caught around the horse's tail and yanked it up

In the air and came down and... [inaudible]

Reminds me of an idea.

All right, all right, fine.

What do we do now?

Well, last night, I sat down and mapped out

The exact location of each of these murders.

What did you find?

Well, Harry, I found out I'm a lonely man.

A lonely, lonely man.

And the map?

I've got it at home.

Come on by if you want to have a look at it.

Whoa, look at the time.

We'll be in touch.

Well, it's pretty interesting.

I'm sure it is.

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

I was just thinking about you.

What are you doing?

What are you wearing?

Why don't you come on over?

I've got a new 45 I want you to hear.

Get a day job.

Official business.

Police dispatch.

Got it. Game's afoot.

There's been another murder.

What is this?

Come on, move it!

Get out of the way!

Don't play with radio, Dick.

Oh, that's it.

I'll teach this clown how to drive.

Oh, fuck you.

You know something?

I really like this girl.

Gee, I hope she's not a mass murderer.

I think we could settle down and live happily ever after.

20 years there.

20 years on the force, and all I got was this stupid T-shirt.

Dahmer, time of death?

4:57 PM.

Good morning, captain.

Oh, Patricia.

Glad you're here.

Dick, Harry, this is Dr. Patricia

Martin, the department...

Department psychologist.

What are you doing here?

Here's my suspect's shrink.

It's good to see you again, Harry.

The pleasure's all mine.

It always was.

So where's the body?

Oh, in my trunk, right where you left it.

I meant Dr. Hasselblad.

He's in there.

The priest is administering the last rights.

So what do you think?

Multiple murders like this are very rare.

Why?

Well, for one thing, they don't happen very often.

[Inaudible] damn luck.

Cause been established?

Well, here's what I think happened.

First, they did this.

Then, after about a minute, they switched.

She used her body as a weapon.

Oh boy.

That's right.

How are you feeling, Harry?

A little tired.

The constant bouncing of lush, ripe

Breasts against his sternum started

His heart beating irregularly.

Combine that with high blood pressure.

She broke his little heart in a million pieces.

Then she chopped him up.

Look.

I want to show you something. You don't need to.

That's fine. Over here.

Stay away from that woman, Harry.

She's dangerous.

I don't know.

She seems perfectly normal to me.

She is suffering from a very rare condition.

How rare?

She's the only one who has it.

It?

Your killer is suffering from Patricia syndrome by proxy.

Patricia syndrome?

Sometimes, women who are named Patricia only

Want to be called Patricia.

Not Pat, Trish, or even Patty... Which in comparison to others

Really isn't so bad.

My father called me that, and look how I turned out.

Now, when a Patricia is called anything other than a Patricia,

Most of them will simply correct the person who was at fault

And go about their daily lives.

But when a woman is suffering from Patricia syndrome,

She can experience periods of uncontrollable anger.

And hack people to death with chainsaws?

Exactly.

Are you sure?

No sweat.

Well, that's all fine and dandy, Doctor,

But you're forgetting one important thing.

None of our suspects are named Patricia.

I know.

That's why this woman is suffering from the Patricia

Syndrome by proxy.

Patricia syndrome by proxy.

Right.

I'm guessing that at one time, our killer knew someone

By the name of Patricia.

Perhaps she had a fixation on her.

Perhaps they were intimate.

How intimate?

We both picked the same numbers and won the lottery once.

And when we went down to pick up our prize,

She developed this really big crush on me.

And we became lovers.

Look, it was only once, and I didn't enjoy it.

Yeah, right.

She used to walk up and down the street

Saying my name... Patricia.

You wouldn't be interested in getting together

With her again with me there?

Or me?

Have you come across any other signs which

You might consider unusual?

Well, one of our boys at the crime lab found this.

But that's as far as he went.

I see.

All the other victims were found with a green scarf?

That's very good.

So if the doctor's body has a green scarf with it,

Then the Patricia syndrome by proxy is all it could be.

That will kill the smell.

Here, you my need this.

Thank you.

That's got bite.

Here you go, Dick.

[Inaudible].

Sorry, Captain, that's mine.

Well...

The victim has been dismembered except for the extremities.

No sign of struggle.

Victim wore polyester.

Victim never asked for directions.

Victim was afraid of commitment.

Victim put his inner child up for adoption.

Victim thought foreplay was a golf tournament.

Victim left the toilet seat up.

Nothing else seems peculiar.

Stop.

What is it?

There's something in his mouth.

Tweezers.

Tweezers.

I'll take those.

Gold.

Wait, there's something else.

I guess that's just the tongue.

Well, wait.

[Phone ringing]

Hi, Mr. Bates.

This is Marty Hascal.

How you doing?

I'm calling for the county firefighters.

As you might already know, it's that time of year

Again when the firefighters have to swallow

Their pride a little bit and ask for your support.

This year's benefit show will be Pozzy Traction,

The exciting heavy metal band from San Francisco,

Including some clowns and jugglers for the opening act.

Your tax deductible contribution will be greatly appreciated

For only $20, you can take your entire family out and see

The fun and entertainment.

Or you can sponsor some disadvantaged kids

To go in your place.

OK.

So let me get this straight.

I give you $20, and you give me a picture

Of the junkie I'm supporting.

Oh, sounds good.

So someone's going to come by and pick up the check?

Cash?

Leave it under the doormat and we'll pick it up tonight.

Pick up the cash, OK.

And you are?

Mr. Smith.

Thanks for your support.

OK.

Well, thank you. All right.

Bye bye.

Where is Dr. Hasselblad?

He's dead, Dakota.

Your doctor is dead.

I know.

It's just getting better.

So you want to make love?

Hi.

I've been waiting here all by my lonesome.

Can I come in?

Where's your sister?

What sister?

Dakota.

Dakota?

I have a sister named Dakota?

That's news to me, not to mention my parents,

My real sister, Patricia.

Well, your parents died in a horrible fiery plane crash

And Patricia is the psychologist who won the lottery.

Dakota told you that?

She's such a kidder.

What else did Dakota tell you?

That you were sleeping with her psychiatrist.

He's dead.

Let me fix you a drink.

Do you think I killed him?

I don't really know you all that well.

Would you like to get to know me better, Mr. Bates?

I'd like that.

Hungry?

Uh huh.

Is that man dead?

That's no man.

That's my husband.

He's just resting.

He looks dead.

No.

He's asleep.

He's been working very hard lately.

His eyes are open.

Those are contacts.

He's got a knife sticking out of his chest.

He's just trying to get attention.

Ignore him, please.

I think I better go have a look.

You know, I just love all these police things you do, Harry.

I want you so much.

This is all wrong, though.

I mean, you're a cop and I'm the prime suspect

In six murder cases.

Three.

Yeah, I just had a premonition.

You know, this just isn't going to work, Harry.

I mean, I'm looking for a long term relationship

In this stage of my life.

And I get the feeling that you're not ready for that kind

Of commitment.

Can I ask you a question, Harry? Sure.

Do you want children? [phone ringing]

Of course I want...

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes.

You know, I'm sorry to cut this short.

But I'm the prize in the church raffle,

And a gorgeous young billionaire just won me.

See ya later.

MALE SPEAKER: Nicole, tell the waiter to get me one

Of those big ass steak knives.

We were heating up like two poodles in a microwave.

But Montana had to do her part for charity.

What a gal.

She's as honorable as my true blue steadfast partner Dick.

Dick, you've got class.

Would you like another banana?

I mean, Harry is just donut chops.

But you...

How is the world's greatest detective?

Well, Harry and I are just friends.

I mean, we have this understanding.

You look great in black.

I'm in mourning.

Why does everybody have to die?

Everybody around me is dead.

All dead.

I think somebody's about to page me.

I really should be by a phone.

I knew a guy once.

He drove a rental car through a crowded bus stop

And killed 16 people just for kicks.

I find that fascinating.

Don't you?

People can be very hard on rental cars.

Now, if you'll just excuse me...

No!

Don't go.

I find you very stimulating.

- Why me? - Why not?

You must get it all over town.

Well, it's not that I'm deprived,

But that I'm terribly depraved.

I don't know.

Harry is my best friend.

But even I don't like him very much.

I went out looking for Montana.

She wasn't at my neighbor's apartment.

[Screaming]

Where's my damn dog?

Someone stop the dog.

Oh, sorry.

Neighborhood watch, ever vigilant.

I'll be back.

[Dog barking]

[Gunshot]

You're out of control, Harry.

You've got some jelly on your face.

Rice cake?

No thanks.

Did I miss anything?

Just another homicide.

Oh.

Hey, you rough night?

Oh, send this tool sample to the lab.

What you got there, Dahmer?

Murder weapon.

You get any lately, Harry?

Lost a few pounds.

Dahmer.

Take this to the lab for prints.

Where's the suspect, Harry?

It's time we picked her up for questioning.

Can't let her do it.

I can't let her go through with it.

I love her, Dick.

You hear me?

I love her.

Were you talking to me?

Were you talking to me?

No.

I think it's time we filled in the captain.

Good. Let's do that.

Dog gone that hay fever.

You what?

Captain, if you'll just let me explain...

Explain?

How do you explain this?

I told you already, there was nowhere else.

So you take my parking spot.

You got some nerve, Bates!

Will you forget about the parking spot already?

Now, what are we going to do about Montana?

What's to do?

We're placing her under surveillance.

Surveillance?

Yeah, he's leaving now.

Good luck, Surveillance.

Thank you.

Speak of the devil.

Hi there.

How are you doing?

What do you want?

You.

What?

I think that we should settle down, buy a house,

Make little rugrats.

Right.

Seriously.

I think we could have great kids.

I want to have three.

See, that way, if one turns out gay, you can disown him,

And you won't be left with an only child.

So what's a substantive guy like you

Doing in a place like this, anyway?

Montana left me.

Do you like these shoes?

Sure, they're nice.

Do you think my feet are too big?

No.

Do my ankles seem fat to you?

Of course not.

Let's get takeout and go back to your place.

Do you believe in past lives?

In my last one, I was a tarp.

That's great.

Let's get a bottle of wine and go back to your place.

You ever wanted to fire your gun in a credit school yard?

I love kids.

Why don't we get some oil and plastic sheet

And go back to your place?

I'm hearing voices, and they're telling me to kill you.

Look at the time.

Let's rent a movie and go back to your place.

Have you seen this one?

You know, I investigated the mysterious death of a critic

Who gave a bad review.

We found him with two thumbs stuck up his ass.

I can't seem to get them back together.

I'm hungry.

Me, too.

Want me to call for a pizza?

Stay in bed all day.

Have... have you ever been married?

Yeah, just once.

But not for very long.

What happened?

There were a few problems we couldn't seem to work out.

Like what?

Well, [inaudible] down on the southbound train,

Leaving Boston at 4:00 o'clock, and I hopped on a bus heading

East at 55 miles an hour...

I... I get the point.

He died from eating poison mushrooms.

That's interesting.

So what do you want on the pizza?

Mushrooms.

But just on half.

You got it.

[Makes beeping noise]

[Burp]

[Burp]

Don't make a move.

What are you doing here?

I'm a cop.

My badge is in my pocket.

[Gunshot]

That was wonderful.

DICK: Harry.

I love a good pizza.

DICK: If you could call 911, I'd appreciate it.

Will you marry me?

DICK: The phone is on the night stand.

When?

DICK: Harry?

How about right now?

I know a delivery man for a Chinese restaurant.

He's also a Buddhist priest.

DICK: Harry?

But I don't you, Harry.

No.

But I've got a dead wife, and you've got a dead husband,

And we both shop at Kmart.

So what do you say?

I don't want to, Harry.

Why not?

Because I like you.

Well, I like you, too.

I love you, Dakota.

And I don't want to see you end up dead like everyone

Else in my life.

I'll get a bulletproof vest.

You don't have to go through that much trouble, Harry.

Tell me something.

How much life insurance do you carry?

$10,000, $15,000 through the force.

That's not very much.

I can get more.

On a cop's salary?

I make tons of money.

I'm on the take.

The answer is yes, Harry.

I'll marry you.

This calls for a celebration.

You like Chinese food?

Love it!

And they lived happily ever after.

Dakota, you're so beautiful.

I'd marry you even if you were stupid.

Boy, you turn me on.

Oh no.

Ow!

Ow!

Pain!

You can stop any time now.

That's fine!

Oh boy.

Oh wow.

What's first aid for burns?

What, butter?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

OK.

That's fine.

That's good!

If you could just... ow... With that, I'd appreciate it.

[Screaming]

OK, everyone.

Get them up.

Hands only, please.

Take a look at this one.

Don't you look just like Harry Bates?

Sure does.

Go ahead, make the bed.

You're both under arrest.

What's the charge?

Murder.

He doesn't look dead to me.

What about this stiff in the other room?

Stiff?

In the other room?

That's right.

Some hysterical woman started calling 911,

And the dispatcher said that there was a murder,

And the body was right next door.

And here we are.

And there you are.

Found the victim's wallet yet?

Here's the suspect.

What do you know?

He stole Harry's wallet.

So which one of you is the cunning little runt?

Bates, quit clowning around and get back to work.

Who has the victim's wallet?

Bates?

You're out of uniform, Mister.

I oughta kick your ass.

You'll have to come with me, Miss.

Where?

We're going to take you downtown.

Gonna ask you a few questions.

Do you get along with your mother?

She died in a fiery plane crash.

Oh boy.

Harry, I don't want to go downtown.

Well, you have to, miss.

I'll go with you.

Oh, thank you, Harry.

I got to be at work, anyway.

HARRY (VOICEOVER): After the bars closed,

The captain decided it was time to take Dakota in.

No smoking in the interrogation room.

So what are you going to do?

Arrest me for smoking?

Want a hit?

It makes me hungry.

Too bad

Did you kill... hey, that's pretty good.

I can get you some.

So did you kill that guy... that dead guy at the crime scene?

What was his name?

Did somebody write down his name?

Mondale wrote it down.

Did you kill that guy... The guy at the crime

Scene, the dead one.

What was his name?

Did somebody get his name?

Somebody write his name down?

It's a boy!

Congratulations!

Now that's interesting.

Would you like to go for a cup of cappuccino

After this ordeal is over?

Just can't take it anymore.

HARRY (VOICEOVER): I tried to squeeze off a few rounds,

But someone was kidnapping Dakota.

Wait, come back!

HARRY (VOICEOVER): After the last parade shootout,

Internal Affairs told me not to kill anymore bystanders.

So I took off after her.

Him. Her.

Oh, whatever.

Yeah, you want to watch, right?

Well, watch this.

Mom?

Harry!

What are you doing here?

You know what kind of place this is?

What if dad finds out?

Harry.

There's something we both wanted to tell you for a long time.

Harry, your father is gay.

Come on, Mom.

Let's go.

Sis?

Harry, what are you doing here?

Ms. Landers, my third grade teacher?

A man!

HARRY (VOICEOVER): I had no motive, no suspect,

And the dead bodies were piling up like Presto [inaudible].

Another one.

They were everywhere.

And all I had for my efforts was a splitting headache

And the knowledge that I, too, came

From a dysfunctional family.

Hmm.

Does that one still wet the bed?

Dakota.

Whoa, Dakota.

Half man, half... well, actually, all man in a dress.

We kissed.

I hope Dakota was OK.

Well, I didn't really care what happened to Dakota.

In fact, I hoped the kidnappers poked him in the head

With a sharp stick.

Get back in here if you ever want to see Dakota alive again.

I can't her you.

I said get back in here if you ever want...

Not listening. Can't hear you.

Not listening.

Can't hear a thing.

No.

I missed you, Harry.

Look at me, Harry.

How do I know it's real?

That's what it's all about, Harry.

When we were little kids, Dakota used to steal my dolls.

But then when we got older, she started

Stealing my clothes, purses, shoes, makeup,

My boyfriends, even my husband.

And then when he stole you, Harry, what was a girl to do?

You didn't kill him?

No.

But I wanted to.

I cut his credit cards in half and messed up his hair.

And then I let him go in the woman's department at Kmart.

No.

I'll take you to him if you want me to.

[Honking]

[Screaming]

MALE SPEAKER (VOICEOVER): Let us examine the mating ritual

Of the North American heterosexual.

It begins with chase, followed by a series of leaps

And bounds, culminating in the mediocre impression

Of a modern airplane.

Truly a wondrous sight to behold.

Would you like some wine?

I would love some wind.

What kind is it?

Red.

I meant what... oh, forget it.

How about some lobster?

What about your diet?

Forget the diet.

Oh, let me tell you.

You know, Harry, I've really never seen you eat before.

You know, being with you, I'm happy.

I can be myself.

I don't have to hold anything back.

You know, and it's all because of you.

Well, you know, Harry, I'm really not the easiest person

In the word to get along with.

Oh, sure you are.

Could you pass me that coleslaw, please?

You know, I'm the type of woman who gets upset

Over the slightest things.

Oh.

Would you like some watermelon, Harry?

Oh, look... a squirrel.

OK.

I'll be right back.

Goodbye.

I'm off to join the merchant marines.

[Gunshot]

HARRY (VOICEOVER): A shot rang out.

But the producers were out of money,

So it wasn't very convincing.

Look what I got you from the store, Angelkins.

[Gunshot]

Oh, oh, oh!

What was that noise?

Gunshots?

My dog shot these two women.

How awful.

Yeah.

What's your name?

Harry.

Harry, I'm a producer.

I make movies.

But not for HBO.

Maybe you've heard of them.

"Drive Through Slaughter."

Yeah.

"50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, the Story of Ted Bundy."

Yeah.

And my triumph, "Midwife Crisis."

Oh, I loved that one.

It was a 3D spectacular.

I know, I know.

But enough about me.

Let's talk about you and your future.

I walk in here, you're tied to the bed.

There's bodies on the bed.

True.

And a homicidal pet.

Got me there.

I'll give you $500,000 for your life story, Harry, right now.

Great.

Could you untie me first?

(SINGING) For he's a jolly good fellow,

For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow.

Fuck it.

What are you going to do with the money, Harry?

Well, it was a difficult decision to make.

On the one hand, Montana needs a very expensive brain

Surgery to be like the way she was before she

Got shot in the head.

But it's been a long time since I've taken a vacation.

So tomorrow, we're flying off to see the running of the bulls.

Whoa, 30 seconds.

New record.

Where are you going?

I thought I would make us something to eat.

Is everything OK?

[Glass breaking]

What are you doing here?

HARRY (ON ANSWERING MACHING): Dakota, it's Harry.

Are you there?

Pick up the phone, you freak.

Anyway, I'm marrying Montana.

But you know something, Dakota?

Whenever I think about you and those special times we had,

I just want to... [gags]

Oh, Montana.

I looked all my life for someone like you,

And you're finally right next to me.

It's like a dream come true.

I'm finally off to join the Merchant Marines.

Montana.

What a hairy back you have.

Oh no!

No!

Don't worry.

That's my service revolver.

I never keep it loaded.

Whoops.

[Knocking]

DICK: Harry.

It's me, Dick.

I've got great news.

[Knocking]

I know you're in here.

Duck!

Yeah.

I brought you a housewarming gift.

I'm really happy for you, Harry.

I thought you were dead.

Yeah.

So did Siskel and Ebert.

But after we became partners, I went out and bought

Myself a bulletproof vest.

I'm with Internal Affairs.

We thought you were Dirty, Harry.

Can we get back to the killer?

You were a prime suspect, Harry.

Who would have thought the killer

Was a psychotic, loved-obsessed transvestite fixated on you?

You haven't seen anyone around here matching that description,

Have you?

Like the captain?

Yeah, he's OK.

Drinks a little too much, but all in all, a good cop.

Why do you ask?

Because he's standing right behind you in a mini skirt.

Hello, Dick.

Please tell me you're Uncle Keller.

Goodbye, Dick.

So how do you like the neighborhood?

It's OK.

A little quiet.

[Inaudible] panty liner.

[Inaudible], Captain.

Wow.

Is this your car?

Hey.

Go ahead.

You drive.

Really?

HARRY: You know, I was just thinking.

How would you look in a blonde wig, Dick?

You know, Dakota left some of her dresses

Over at my apartment.

You're about the same size.

Why don't you come on by and try them on?

We've got time to kill.

DICK: What are you talking about?

HARRY: What are you, kidding?

Those legs are gorgeous.

DICK: Take your hand off my knee.

HARRY: Hey... DICK: Emergency.

Emergency.

Officer needs assistance.

HARRY: Tell them to bring more handcuffs.

DICK: Get out.

Pull over right now and get out of my car.

HARRY: Gee, I don't handle rejection very well, Dick.

DICK: Just get out of my car.

HARRY: The car is moving, Dick.

DICK: Great.

Get out anyway.

Here, I'll get the door for you.

HARRY: You know, I'm detecting a lot of hostility.

You should get in touch with your feminine side.

DICK: I'll give you something to get in touch with.

Let me show you a new choke hold.

HARRY: Stop it!

DICK: You look cold.

How about a traffic flare up your ass?

Gee, haven't used my taser in a while.

Your breath reeks.

Look, pepper spray.

HARRY: My eyes!

DICK: Seen the new hollow points?

HARRY: All right.

I'm pulling over.

I'm pulling over.

I'm getting out, OK?

Hey, get off my car!

What are you doing?

Do you hear me?

Get off my... go on!

Get out of here!

Get out!

Go on!

HARRY (VOICEOVER): Montana's premonition

Fell a little short.

Nonetheless, Deon Warwick asked her to join

The Psychic Friends Network.

[Music playing]