Original subtitles

Ingrid's lying low.

I think Malick getting dusted hit her hard.

Ingrid, the feelings.

More chance of Renfield winning this Transylvania.

Have you seen this?

There should be more protection for minorities like us. You're being

Dad. You really shouldn't read that paper. It just winds you up.

No!

Someone really needs business.

Come on.

You have to go.

I'll be fine.

Or maybe not.

What's happening?

It's like we're under attack from an army.

I saw about half a dozen of them creeping about outside.

Not when they saw me, they scarred me, but it's definitely something serious

going on.

In a matter of weeks, I've been imprisoned in a UV cage.

Garlic gas, twice,

and generally harassed in my own home.

I haven't felt this on the Twitter since the Great Piven attack.

Pitchforks. How do you make a parcel for Master Vlad?

Well, knock first, you imbecile.

My nerves are in shreds. As, by the way, is my shirt. If I ever have the

misfortune to have my life saved by you again, Renfield, take a little more

care, will you? You really are the ungrateful dead dad, aren't you?

What? Thank you for saving us, Renfield.

Yeah. Nice one.

All in a day's work.

I was wondering, Master, if you were thinking of perhaps rewarding my heroic

deed.

I don't know, bringing forward my bite -by -date or something.

Typical. Making this all about you, you, you.

But I so want to be a vampire, Master.

And with all this bother going on, if you were to bite me now, well, I might

able to help out.

And you weren't going to bite me in 13 leap years' time anyway.

Oh, Renfield, Renfield!

Is there no limit to the depth of your stupidity?

A leap year is made up of four normal years. So 13 leap years is actually 40.

No, wait a minute.

60. No, that's not right either.

52.

Idiot.

52 years away.

And by then, you'll be far too frail and dribbly to bother with.

I say, thought again.

It's not really that difficult.

So, was there anything else?

Thanks again, Renfield. Goodbye.

What is it?

It's a stake.

With my name on it. Another threat.

This has gone too far. Why are you getting your fangs in a twist? We all

this was coming.

The whole vampire world know that Golden Boy here is going to be 18 in a few

days, get all of his powers and become invincible.

All of our enemies are going to want to dust him while they still can.

Right, right.

We need to leave Garside or we'll be trapped like bats in a cave -in. Go

outside? Yes.

They'll tear us to bits.

We need to batten down the hatches and... In some way. A lockdown.

Secure Garside and lay low until Vlad's big day.

Brilliant idea, Dad.

Well, yes, yes.

I thought so.

And I think I know just... Stop!

Can't you see you're doing exactly what she wants you to?

Excuse me. This is a family conference.

First rule of a lockdown, no outsiders. So if you wouldn't mind flapping off.

Talitha's going nowhere.

She was nearly gassed too. While you were conveniently elsewhere.

I was on my way to rescue you.

Renfield's has got that first.

You can't trust her, can you?

Of course I can't. But forewarned is forearmed.

And I shall be keeping a very, very close eye on her.

I really can't tell you what an honour this is, Your Magnificence. Yes, yes.

Now, to business.

I was thinking UV light, garlic bomb dispensers, the whole works.

My motion sensors are already picking up a large number of hostile vampires

loitering around the perimeter.

Really? How many exactly?

Well, difficult to put an exact figure on it. Your greatness.

We'll try.

I'd say we're talking around about 40 assassins.

You know that?

Make that 42.

Right, right.

Get straight to work.

If anyone wants me, I'll be barricaded in my study.

Oh, Joe Dodger.

The big daddy.

I'm guessing he doesn't know how close we are. We are not close.

We're not even in the same postcode.

Nah, I'm growing on you. I can tell.

Quit being so irritating and focus.

I've only got four days left to dust my brothers and no more flip -ups.

I've been spotted by Renfield throwing those garlic bombs.

And who were the others with you?

They were all me.

Holograms. And Renfield spotting me was all part of the plan.

Gives the idea there's a bunch of nutters out there.

My deviousness is obviously rubbing off on you.

So, if the bodies don't exist, why the security system?

Operation Divide and Conquer.

That's for me to know and for you to watch and admire.

I don't know why I bother with this family.

They don't appreciate my cleaning or my cooking.

What's that?

Cup of cold beetles bit. Your fave.

Why?

I actually felt sorry for you when Dad laughed at you.

Crushed dreams, thwarted ambitions.

It's the story of my life too.

You need to stand up to him.

Too scared.

You know, I've always been fascinated by your potions.

You have?

Really?

I... I remember when you gave your great -aunt Rapugna a dose of love potion.

Oh, that likes to chase me all round the castle for a kiss.

False rings keep falling out. Got sock marks all over my face.

Hmm.

Happy days.

Oh, yeah, happy days.

Why don't you let me put a little backbone in your Beatles bit?

That would stand up for Dad.

No. No, I couldn't.

It's the only way you'll get what you want.

Then maybe you're right.

I mean, what harm could he do?

Okay, then do it.

Just two drops, mind.

Our potions are very potent.

Oh, looks like one of your pots is boiling over.

Oh, no!

Keeping an eye on me, Ada?

You won't see this one coming.

It's a summon.

From the High Council.

They need to see me.

Urgently, apparently.

What's going on?

Someone's trying to get me out of the way.

Ingrid.

Who else?

You have to go.

If you shun a summons from the High Council, you'll be dived.

Don't worry.

I can handle her.

It'll be a challenge without my vampire powers, but I'm going to be vampire

number one in a few days.

I ought to be able to deal with my own big sister.

Okay. But maybe I'll leave her a little going while your present will give you

an edge.

What do you want?

I'm off to the Vampire High Council.

Big news.

Say hi to Counselor Hack for me.

Now, did you know I was seeing Hack?

He's head of Vampire Resources.

Anybody who goes to the High Council has to go through him.

Are we done now?

Just one more thing.

If anything happens to Vlad...

While I am away, I will take great pleasure in turning you into a pile of

Let go of my arm.

Now we're done.

A back tag!

Oh, it's an invited dress!

Here she comes.

We should have thought of this years ago.

the daughter of the House of Dracula, practically royalty, and she has tagged

like some... Deeming conniving, treacherous vixen.

Good call, I'd say.

Yes, about time.

Dinner's late, Renfrew.

You really are becoming very sloppy.

There you go.

I didn't order these. What are they?

Armadillo fondants.

I don't eat fondants, and armadillo gives me wind.

Oh, nice chop.

I love them.

Did he just say no?

Yes. Are you all right, Winfield?

You know what? I'm marvellous. I've finally woken up and smelled the coffin.

And I'm not doing anything more for you until... You

dare give me

ultimatums. I'll take that as a no, then.

In which case, I'm going to make your life a misery.

You're fat.

I'm going to make all your lives a misery.

You mean just add, surely?

Oh, no.

I've had enough of the lot of you.

Come here, son.

Come on.

Don't forget.

I know all about certain secret books.

Follow me.

Look, Renfield.

Let's talk about this. Don't...

Bargain with the Rowlands?

Dad, leave this to me.

Come on, Renfield.

You're part of the family.

Sort of.

When's my birthday, then?

And I bet you can't remember my first name, either. Keith!

Nigel?

Susan. Susan!

It's Percival.

Per -ci -val.

Oh, you're all going to pay for that.

I am going to throw the insolent newt off the roof.

Did he just walk into the wall?

No, no, of course not.

He slipped into one of the secret passageways.

There's hundreds of them under our sign.

Renfield probably knows them better than me.

How else do you think he gets round the place with that ridiculous trolley of

his? Great.

Thanks for the heads up.

That means he could creep up and stake any one of us. Yes, yes.

Quicker than you could say... What was his name again?

Hi.

I'm Councillor Hack. Thank you for coming.

Smoky Panda.

Very rare.

Would you like some?

No, thanks.

I'm actually in a bit of a rush, so I'd appreciate... Sorry.

No special treatment.

No, but I really... No exceptions. You'll have to take a ticket.

And join the queue.

Queue, I...

That

explains a lot.

Ah! I knew that putrid little reptile wouldn't stand up to me normally.

It's got Ingrid's name written all over it.

Oh, yes.

Always missing when the bats come home to roost.

Don't worry.

We'll soon track her down.

First things first.

We need to find the antidote in Renfield's potion book.

I'm sure Renfield can work it out, so come on.

I've got it! I've got it! Really? Yes, yes.

We'll abandon this and simply...

Crash Winfield out of existence.

He just saved our lives. He deserves better.

And? And we've got VampireAssassin .com queuing up outside.

There's dozens of them and only three of us. We might need him.

It says the main ingredient are lily livers.

Lily livers, you say?

You don't want to kill me. You just want to turn me back into your personal

dollmate. Oh, well, guess what?

It ain't gonna happen.

There goes the chance of an antidote.

At last, Piers. Where have you been?

I've been back -tagged, and I know my every move.

Is the security system up and running yet?

Er, yes, erm... Great.

I think there might be a bit of a problem, but I think we're still on

I'm not sure that's the case.

Evening, all.

I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

He's been clipped in the chair.

To be fair, Master always said my head's the porridge.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have lots of fun with your security

system.

Do you, Pip?

You gave this to Renfield, didn't you? Me? Why would I?

What was that? Yes, I was going to mention it. Renfield's got control of

security system.

Why would Piers put UV beams on the inside?

In case an assassin broke in.

He's thorough. What can I say?

Renfield's playing with us. Worm!

dancing to my tune.

What's wrong?

What a surprise.

You are kidding me.

We'll be okay here.

No UV beams or cameras. How can you be so sure?

I'm just guessing.

All the other beams have been in wide open spaces.

Look, are we just going to stand here and wait for Renfield to obliterate us?

No. I have a plan.

Renfield's not the only one that can use the secret passageways.

Oh, come on.

Me first.

You need to take care.

Some of these passages go on for miles.

One wrong turn, you'd be lost for years.

Some disappear forever.

But you know the safe way. Of course I do. It's that -a -way.

Now.

What was that?

You said you knew the right way. I lied.

I need a guinea pig, and who better than her?

You can't hide forever.

I'll find you.

We can't just leave England.

We should go back.

No chance.

Irene is lining up outside to finish us off, and thanks to her, I'm not even

safe in my own home.

Renfield. I'll rip him limb from limb. For the last time, you will not harm

Renfield. If you insist.

UV beams on the inside.

Not your finest moment, is he?

Put your fangs away, Dad. He can help us.

How did you get here without Renfield seeing you? I fed false images to the

camera.

Where's Ingrid? Gone.

Forever, with any luck.

What? Where?

She's lost in a secret passageway, but we'll find her, I promise you. As soon

we've sorted Renfield.

Will you help us?

If I can have the alarm unit for Ingrid's tag.

Sure.

Incoming!

What exactly are you doing?

Get your work out. We're back here soon.

I just need a few more seconds.

Okay.

I'm ready.

Are you sure you want to go after Ingrid alone?

If you just wait. I can't.

She may be in trouble.

Don't worry, sweet fangs.

I'm coming.

Sweet fangs?

Ingrid? Involved with the breather? Well, it does run in the family. Me and

Erin, you and Miss McCauley, you and my mum, you and Johnna's mum, you and...

Robbins. All right, all right.

Point made.

Can we just get along?

This feels like I'm the hunter in search for warriors to go for.

Okay, now it feels like I'm the hunter in search for warriors to go for.

You seem cool in a buffoon. Say that!

Boring!

We're not running away anymore, Renfield. We know you haven't got the

actually hit us.

Once a spineless amoeba, always a spineless amoeba.

You think so, do you? Well, let's see if you like these apples then, eh?

Is that the best you can do?

Pathetic pile of backdropings.

Right. Hang the pastor.

Good news.

I can see you now.

Is this going to take much longer?

Right then, Tabitha. My name is Talitha.

Really?

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Oh, dear.

There appears to have been an error.

Sorry.

Get who?

What? How did you... It was very simple.

I CGI'd a picture of two parts of dust, overlaid it onto a sill of the living

room, and then relayed it back to you, giving you a false feed of the CCTV.

That, my boy?

Well, he has shown me how to do it.

It was kind of his idea, but apart from that, it's all me.

And now, I intend to cause you enormous pain and suffering.

How I wouldn't you know, is he?

Is he?

As a precaution, I've programmed the security system to shut down in ten

minutes' time, leaving you open to an attack by those army of assassins.

Of course, there is an override sequence, but I'm the only one who knows

I'll only input it on one condition.

Bitey bitey.

You're pleased to see me.

Maybe two laps?

What happened again?

How did you find me?

Oh, turned this into a receiver and tracked you using your tag.

Just need to link it back to the main unit upstairs.

Wait, did he steal that flat? He gave it to me.

He was worried about you. Are you seriously going to dust him?

We're draculas, it's what we do. But he's your brother.

Mission? Look, can we just get out, please?

As much as I have dreamt of this moment, I didn't intend it to be my last in the

planet. No, come on.

Just wait.

She's going to have to bite him.

Never. Dad.

If those defences go down, we'll be invaded by dozens of assassins, all

desperate to dust us.

Do you really want another Romanga sitting on your throne?

Less than three minutes left.

In a few days, I'm going to become the Chosen One, and I'm going to have to

accept all the responsibilities that come with that.

I don't want to, but apparently it's my destiny, and I'm stuck with it forever.

All you're being asked to do is... put your family first.

Is that really too much to ask? You're certainly growing into your new role.

Very well.

Do that computery thing and I'll... And I'll bite you, you snivelling

slug! Oh, no.

You're not treasuring me again.

Bite me first, then I'll give you the coat.

Two minutes.

You doubt my word?

Of course I do.

Because you're a big fat liar.

Two minutes.

I'm the same size now as I was back in 1680. Will you just do it? Can we please

at least wash his neck first? Look at it.

I've got it hanging.

You could give me a quick spit wash with that, eh?

Never mind.

Oh, you made it.

How very disappointing.

Yep.

Good job, breather.

And what happened with Renfield?

Oh!

So you actually bit that silly written

bag. I had no choice.

The insect threatened to lower the defenses and led in the horde of

Oh. The assassins, yeah, right. Get us something to drink for you.

No.

Actually,

that potion seems to be losing effect since I turned into a biter.

How about a squirrel smoothie?

Anything.

Anything that will take the disgusting taste of you out of my mouth.

Tomato juice.

Whatever. Taken the reins already, eh, bro?

Okay, Master Vlad.

Back in a...

Chippy!

I'll walk.

Is everything okay?

How's the VHC?

Take a word through time.

Wait a minute.

How did you get past the security system?

You know. But if you can get past it, how can the assassins?

Assassins? Yes.

I didn't see any assassins.

I beat that slimy, unwashed...

for nothing!

Look, look.

We'll hold our hands up.

We've not been 100 % honest with you, and we are really sorry, but...

Ingrid has learned her lesson, and from now on, she just wants to be her team

player.

Right, sweet, thanks.

Um, possibly.

It's maybe not as wussy as you said it.

Well, it's not like we have much of a choice, is it?

In three days, Vlad will be master of all his ways.

Don't count your bats, Dad.

A lot can happen in 72 hours.