Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the time is nigh. Brand new young Dracula is here in a

mere moment's time to celebrate. We are joined by Renfield himself, Mr. Simon

Ludden. Hello, hello, hello.

Hi then, Renfield, if that is your real name.

Simon, can you get it right, please? He's a fraud, because I knew it. His

Simon. He's been telling you all afternoon.

Are you?

Yep, thanks. Right, Renfield, are you ready to answer a few cues?

Oh, yep, yep.

Bring the A's to these here queues sent in by yous. This one is from Erin. Not

that Erin.

And Erin says, how long does it take to go through makeup?

Oh, hi, Erin.

It takes about an hour, I'd say. I have to shave my head every day and put white

makeup on. In the first two series, it used to take a lot longer because I had

wig and yellow boils and all that kind of rubbish.

Quick way to do it, just not wash your face.

Boils, boils, boils.

This one's from Jessica. Jessica says, would you want to be a vampire in real

life? Oh, good question. Hi, Jessica. I would say yeah, because you get to live

forever and you get to fly.

Nice. Good option.

Good deal.

Rosie. Hello, Rosie. Rosie says, do you have anything in common with Renfield?

Hi, Rosie.

Well, Renfield eats cockroaches and maggots and wears women's clothing, so

have to say... Oh, yes, then.

No. And this one's from Charlie. Charlie says, what's your favourite type of

sausage? Important question for us.

Oh, hi, Charlie. Good question. I would have to say it's...

Gossage dog.

You've changed.

Yeah, deal with it. You upset me in four major ways, son.

You have a question for Simon. Now's your chance to get it in. But right now,

the moment is here, Mr.

Liddell. I give you the floor.

It's now time for Young Dracula.

Enjoy. Who's in that then? Huzzah!

Who's in that? I'm in it.

1 ,800 ,324.

1 million...

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Walks of the old country. Yes, and a very successful one, too.

Oh, just feel that.

The pelt of the Carpathians, Sabretooth Panther.

You know, only three of these magnificent beast sexes. Well, two now.

So if I get something and I return empty -handed, I should have known you being

nice to me wouldn't last.

You wouldn't be throwing me a welcome home dinner.

True, true.

But any time, like a going -away party, just say the word.

Oh, thank goodness you're back, master. There's a... Oh, sleeper, too.

There's a what, what, what?

Oh, yeah, right, yeah. There's an assassin slayer downstairs.

But don't worry, I've overpowered him.

Bravo, Renfield. Thank you. Just get cooking before Vlad arrives.

You don't believe me?

Brilliant. The slayer of the broken ceasefire.

Just when life was getting boring.

What is that?

It's a Tibetan chakra.

Oh, my.

The ancients used it as a symbol of protection.

About time!

Now show me this assassin.

Certainly. He's right here, where I left him.

Imbecile. Imbecile!

What are we going to do?

Right. Pack our bags.

What about Master Vlad? Well, write him a note.

Some things don't change.

Look what the bat dragged in.

Nice to see you too, sis.

Out of the way, out of the way.

Come here.

Is that really you?

Please tell me you left your luggage and you're not wearing that by choice.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

1 ,500 ,000, 863.

Oh, what's he doing? The five Tibetan incantations. Man.

Dinner is served.

No weapons at the table? Ah, do not state. These are Tibetan meditation

statuettes. One black, one white. The yin and the yang, the darkness and the

light.

I'm so sorry. It's all fattening, Renfield.

Let's eat.

If I may.

Pissed bladder in a sea slug marinade.

A braised brain of chip.

And a piece of resistance, poached llama tongue on a bed of chipmunk entrails.

Oh, yummy, yummy, rub my tummy. I can't eat that. I'm vegetarian.

Since when?

I'll rattle up something else.

Since the vampire monk Davos Itios taught me that all life is sacred, we

month at his retreat in the Himalayas. It's the most amazing place.

Whoa, backtrack.

Who's we?

Was there love in the mountain air?

Talitha's just a really cool friend.

Total free spirit.

We had a connection.

Could it take?

Oh, there was I.

One million.

500 ,000. What is it with this incessant counting?

I'm playing hard and sweet with Wolfie.

He told me to count to two million.

You haven't told him Mum took Wolfie back last week?

Richard repeated when his goldfish died. He was useless for days.

Sentimental old fool.

So, apart from Wolfie, has anything else exciting happened while I was away?

Ursula Bouderon has been deposed as the leader of the High Council.

Yes, quite the scandal.

Fiddling expenses to pay for a personal torture chamber.

He's been replaced by the Minister for Education, which means there's an

for me. What do you know about education?

I live in a school. Which appears to have closed.

Doesn't it seem empty now?

Au contraire, dear boy.

I've knocked through here, here, and here for the games room.

Back billiards, ten -stick bowling, table fanball. Oh, come on.

Think of the fun we'll have. Father and son.

Dueling through the night.

I only popped back to see how you were before I continue on my travels.

Continue.

We agreed.

You could go away for two months to get over Erin.

Forget Erin.

Malick's welcome to her. I was born to travel.

You were born to be my heir.

That was the old me.

This me has seen the hanging gardens of Junericia, climbed the mountains of

Flamodishu, and swam in the oceans of Bricolesia. And I've trod in the forests

of Wookieew.

Too much to see in the world.

Make Ingrid your heir.

What?

Never going to happen.

The council doesn't meet today.

I was expecting a decision on the appointment of the Minister for

Ah, yes.

Well, a decision has been reached.

Great.

When do I start?

You don't.

When you said I was to be given new responsibilities, I thought... That's

problem with girls.

Thinking.

They can't.

But I do have a position that will play to your natural strength.

Come.

I can start you around.

May I introduce our new Minister for Education?

Or should that be Minister for Stealing People's Jobs? My apologies if you feel

I've trodden on your toes, but I did get this position on merit.

Indeed he did.

Warlock is something of a computer whiz. He's bringing us into the 21st century.

You must be Ingrid Dracula.

Our new head of catering.

Catering? She will happily take your order.

So, how did you manage to wheedle your way in here?

I've been telling them to go digital, but they never listen.

I offered Morgan more than just my computer skills.

Meaning?

Let's just say Morgan wouldn't be where he is today without me.

Morgan got his promotion because you still was fiddling with books.

Unless... The keyboard is mightier than the thick, Ingrid.

Technology is power.

Oh, uh, mine's a wreath of negative.

You know, I was wrong to poo -poo this, this, this... What is it again, man?

Tibetan praying mantis yoga.

Yes, yes, and you know, I feel... I feel like a new man. Ready, ready.

More practice needed.

Perhaps you could be my teacher. Forget the games room.

We shall have a meditation retreat.

Nice try, Dad, but I'm not staying.

Then maybe...

We'll change your mind.

Is that Carpathian panther? Yes, only the best for you, my boy.

I'm a vegetarian, remember?

One million.

Nine hundred and ninety -nine thousand.

Nine hundred and ninety -nine.

Two million.

Come in, Wolfie. Ready or not.

What are

you

doing with the master's best silver?

I need money and quick.

Well, I could lend you some.

Had a very decent rate of interest.

Oh, I could just give it to you.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Pity, pity, please. No, don't.

No, don't.

43 pence, two buttons, and what is

that?

No idea.

Oh.

A bottle of the Baroness Fatali.

What a one.

Oh, dear.

Are things really that bad?

All my attempts to keep Vlad from leaving have turned to nothing.

I may be able to help in return for some cold, hard cash.

What could you possibly need money for?

That's my business.

You don't want Vlad to stay.

What are you up to?

If you're going to be nosy, you can add my own private quarters to the asking

price.

Very well.

Do your...

Worse.

Reese is negative.

It's a day late.

Service leaves a lot to be desired.

I've been busy thinking through some policies.

You? I'm not just a pretty face.

And I insist you take the credit.

Where is Ingrid?

This is it.

Bye, Dad.

Save us the postcards.

Look after yourself, eh?

And remember, keep pipes watching you.

From the High Council.

It says they're introducing a batter laureate.

To ensure the old ways are not lost between generations, vampires must pass

citizenship exam before the eve of their 18th birthday.

Nice one, Ingrid.

What? What? What? What?

No, no, no.

Nice one for Ingrid.

She'll be over the moon. Her brother's here to stay.

I'm not.

I'll take a couple of revision books with me and pop back for the exam.

Good luck fitting them in your backpack.

What's going on?

Oh, the High Council are introducing a battle laureate.

Clipping poor, poor Vladdy's wings.

No problem. These won't take me long to speed read. I'll just delay my trip by a

night. There's more on the back.

This is your doing, isn't it? What influence do I have on the High Council?

I'm just a tea lady.

Before you ask, I'd absolutely nothing to do... This is totally out of order.

Sit here.

All those taking the bat a laureate are subject to a curfew.

Anyone caught leaving home during the hours of darkness will be sentenced to

months in a UV cage. Ingrid, you really are a chip off the old block. Renfield.

Aren't you forgetting something?

No,

I don't think so.

The battle lawyer hasn't passed into law yet.

It still needs a unanimous vote from the High Council.

If I vote against, it's adios, Vlad.

Right, right. How much do we agree on?

That should cover it.

And my private quarters?

You can have the attic.

In the east wing.

Look, enough of this meditation.

You have revisions. As soon as this is over.

We'll throw a party to celebrate your coming of age.

Don't bother. I'll be celebrating my independence with a one -way ticket out

here.

Will you employ him?

Uh, was I in dispute myself?

Vampire at Rebellion?

Awesome, huh?

No, it's totally unrealistic.

Where are all the women?

And who's ever heard of vampires turning invisible?

That's if they even existed, which they don't, obviously.

Well, if you're not into gaming, then why do you need such a high -spec

computer?

I'm keeping up with the competition.

Competition must be

quaking in their boots.

What are you looking for?

The VHC.

What does that stand for?

Very hot chocolate.

They're a folk band.

Right.

Well, should be able to hack into this.

It's his files I want.

Whoa, this guy has got some serious security.

We need to fill in the blanks of whatever this is.

It's the family tree of some friends of ours.

Okay, I've got it.

Gwyndlaw is bloodbound to Cora Blacks and their daughter is Lucrezia.

Lucrezia. Ah, sneaky.

He's used random algorithms to change the parameters each time.

I don't know any of the Impundurus.

Well, we have one more chance before it locks us out and alerts us.

Wormack, they were trying to hack into his files.

But that's impossible. There are nine volumes of bloodlines. Nobody could

memorise every page.

Yes,

these. Cam, there is an inbuilt camera linked to a microprocessor. You just

to show me the book.

Answer the question.

Because I'm not a vampire.

It's pretty obvious.

The VHC stands for Vampire High Council Not Very Hot Chocolate. And you've just

shown me a family tree of the Impindulu, who took their name from the legend of

the Queen.

I mean, what can I say?

I am really into my baiters.

You really need to get out more.

Is that an offer?

Wolfie!

Wolfie!

Can't see you, Wolfie, master.

Oh, you don't look so well, master lad.

I feel terrible.

There's nothing selfish.

You're going to have to open wide.

Oh, no, you don't.

But masturbation's not very well. Yes, a severe case of scleritis, no doubt.

I'm not putting it on. My head is pounding. My nose is blocked.

You're probably alerting to that.

Pungent pong.

They burnt incense all the time at the retreat.

You probably picked up something on your travels.

There was a deadly outbreak of transylvanian swamp fever last year.

you? It was swamp fever.

It'd be covered in purple spots.

Yeah, but you don't know what other nasties there are out there.

So find out.

I've mapped everywhere I've been in my travel log. It's in my backpack.

Some research can't do any harm.

But not everything.

Well, I've got some great news, Master.

I think I have Tibetan fancifulitis, and it's highly contagious.

So why aren't you wearing a protective suit?

It only affects biters.

My head's killing me. What's the cure?

There isn't one.

So I'm going to die.

My blinding bolt.

What's this call?

You want some more? He says find a cure.

Find a cure! Find a cure!

Of course, it's obvious, isn't it, when you think about it?

But I can't. Why not?

Master said no testing. That was before he was fang -cephalitis. Do you think he

wants me to die?

So do the test!

All I have to do is look at each page, the glasses they scan, all the

information, and store it.

So... You can just sit back and decide where we're going on that date.

A date?

You, the nerdy gaming breather, and me, the sophisticated and deadly biter.

Well, they do treat opposites attract.

Day being desperate breathers. Oh, come on.

It'll be fun.

What do you say?

Kill me now?

Okay, okay.

One date.

Brilliant. Oh, we could maybe check out one of those folk bands you love so much

You're not as funny as you think Come on, admit it That wasn't

bad

Doubly strange.

I've caught it. I'm going to die.

Oh, do not go gentle until I could die.

Oh, master, woe is me.

I've tested you. I told you not to do any tests.

I couldn't find a cure. No more tests.

Perfect timing.

Well done.

Oh.

Oh, yes!

We are into Warnock's files.

Now, when are we going on that date?

You didn't really think I'd let you go after everything you've seen, did you?

I suppose not. Which is why I have sent a copy of everything to my own computer

on a timed release.

If I don't get back within the next hour, the name of every living vampire

be on the internet.

I am loving those, by the way.

I thought I said no more testing.

I'm sorry, Master, but Vlad's DNA is what?

Half of it is biter, like yours.

Mine.

I ran a test on one of your heads.

Whatever you thought you saw, you didn't.

You are mistaken.

Don't hypnotise me. I'm sorry I ran the test, but Vlad's life depends on them.

And your life depends on forgetting what you saw.

But you don't understand.

The other half of Vlad's DNA is like mine.

He's half -breather.

Does Vlad know? No!

And he never will!

It's a burden I swore I would carry alone.

What do I say? A problem is shared. A problem for you, if you even think about

telling anyone.

I'm sorry, Master.

It's a fact of a large... Rayfield!

You're a breather.

You can't touch anything. Oh.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

That's it.

Brilliant!

What is it?

A very hard breather.

He hasn't got a bite to rule with. He's got a cold. Oh, my.

You've got to come and breathe the cold.

Find a cure.

So it was you who dished the dirt on you strong.

Game on.

Right.

Hard cure coming on.

Oh, yeah.

About that.

It does seem like an awfully big secret.

And one you can take to the grave if blackmail is your game.

I thought you'd say that.

Which is why I wrote it all down and hid it. You did what?

Insurance. But if you were to bite me, as you always promised... You devious

little... Very well.

I promise to... Bite you.

In 13 leap years time.

13 years? 13 leap years.

13 leap years?

One nil to Renfield.

What's he so happy about?

The prospect of finding your brother a cure.

What's that smell?

Let's try it.

Wolfie's favourite.

Wolfie's gone.

Magda took him away last week.

My Wolfie?

Left you these.

I'll keep these close to my heart forever.

Oh, Wolfie.

Here it is.

What have you done there?

It's only my old dad's recipe.

Honey, lemon, elderflower, menthol, and a little hint of garlic.

Garlic!

Now we know, Master Vlad.

He must never know about that. And remember one thing.

My son will always be more batter than breather.

But that's what I'm worried about.

In olden times, a common cold used to kill breathers.

What are you saying?

If Master Vance hath water, he might not have a breather's natural immunity.

He could be faithful.

He doesn't look good, does he, Master?

What happens next?

But really, Simon, what happens next?

Oh, crikey, sorry, I'm hypnotised. Um, I can't tell you what happens next, I'll

get into big trouble, but tune in, please. But try!

Fantastic. Indeed you do. Next Monday, more brand new Young Dracula. Woo! So

glad that he's back, really enjoyed that, and I'm really enjoying these

questions you guys are sending for Simon. Simon.

Oh, yeah? Are you braced for queues? Oh, am I braced? Throw your a - He's the

waiter. Bring him on, bring him on. This one is from Lucy. Hello, Lucy. And Lucy

says, what's the best bit about filming Young Dracula?

Ah, hi there, Lucy.

The best thing is the great cast and crew. We all get on brilliantly.

And those stories are just fantastic to bring to life. It's great to watch them

as well. Thank you. It's a delight to have it back. Thank you, thank you. One

my favourite shows.

This one is from Anya. Hello, Anya. Anya says, what is your favourite cheese?

Oh, hi, Anya. Yeah, well, I love cheese.

And I'll have to say that my favourite cheese is cheddar.

Oh, it's a strong, mature, sturdy cheese.

A bit like myself.

A stalwart of the toast world.

This is from Preet. Great name, eh, Preet? Preet says, do you really eat

for the show? Because I'd never do that, even for a million quid.

Hire Preet. No, don't eat.

insects at all. I have to pretend to eat cockroaches, and if you put them really

near your mouth, they start hissing at you because they're scared of you, and

they're very slippery, and they're very difficult to pick up. So don't eat

cockroaches, is my advice.

Never. Oh, dear.

And this one's from Poppy. Hello, Poppy. Poppy says, were you annoyed by David

Olive's before?

Uh, hi, Poppy. No, I was just frustrated and confused. Why was he so interested

in cleaning?

Well, no worries for that, because he's viewed your buttons up a treat. Yes, he

does. They're reet -shiny. Thank you for all your questions, and thank you,

Simon, so much for coming. Oh, thank you. It's been a... Pleasure.

See you again in Brighton next week, but right now here is Scooby -Doo.