Original subtitles

Where's the remote?

Oh, man, it's on top of the TV.

Can you get it?

Huh?

You're closer. Can you get it?

What?

How long are you going to do this for?

Huh?

I'll get it.

What was that?

What? When you got up, you grunted like an old man.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. Stand up again.

Oh, my God,

I did. I grunted. Oh, man, we're getting old.

I tell you, when my old man started grunting, next thing you know, hair was

growing everywhere.

Poor man had to blow dry his ears.

We're not getting old. We're still young.

Yeah.

package came from my mother. Oh, from your mom?

Jimmy, watch this.

I have x -ray vision.

A box of dried figs.

Come on. She doesn't know what to get you, and she thinks you like figs. I

like figs. I ate some at her house once to try to push her meatloaf a little

faster through my body.

You know? All of a sudden, I'm fig man.

Hey, well, you're lucky. For some reason, she thinks I like bolo ties.

So, you know, if you ever need to work in a riverboat casino, have at my top

left drawer.

So have you thought about what you want to do this weekend for your birthday?

Ah, it's no big deal. It's just a birthday.

Whatever you want to do is fine.

Well, I was thinking it might be fun if you and Sammy and I all went to

Disneyland for the day.

Okay, sure.

Great. I'll tell my mother you love the figs. But I don't love the figs. Why are

you afraid to be honest with your mother?

Fine. I'll tell her to get you something else next year. Just remember.

Figs you can throw away, but a Montgomery Ward sweater vest is forever.

Tell her I love the figs. Thank you.

Dude, Disneyland?

What? It's the happiest place on Earth.

No, I've been to Disneyland.

Okay, the car on the way home with your kids sleeping in the back, that is the

happiest place on Earth.

Jimmy, what else am I going to do? I'm married with a kid. That's why you need

to go out.

You need to do something crazy.

Look, Greg, you only get two do -what -you -want days a year.

Father's Day and your birthday.

You gotta use them or lose them.

Well, I never really thought about that.

Would be kind of fun to go out and party like I did when I was single.

I'll do you one better. Let's go out partying like when I was single.

I used to party pretty hard. Oh, yeah? Did you party so hard you had to put

name on a pair of underwear so you could pick it out of a pile?

Have you ever had to be revived by a Mexican pharmacist?

Look, I would love to do something like that. Believe me, I would. But I've

already told them that I would go with them to Disneyland. What am I supposed

do? Well, you could tell your wife what you really wanted to do. You know I

can't do that. Sure you can't. Just pretend that last night, while you were

sleeping, you had a visit from the Tentacle Fairy.

Okay, I get it, I get it. I'm some kind of wuss because I don't want to hurt my

wife's feelings. Okay, what if you could do it without hurting her feelings?

Well, that would be great. Okay, fine, leave it to me. Kim! What are you doing?

Relax, I got a plan.

Yeah? Um, Greg lied. He really doesn't want to go to Disneyland.

What kind of plan is that?

Why didn't you just say something?

Well, I wanted to make you happy.

Greg, you want to make me happy, make the bed once in a while.

So you sure you don't mind if I don't go to Disneyland?

No, it's your birthday. I want you to do what makes you happy. I don't want you

to do what I want and then resent me for it later.

Well, I was just thinking it might be fun to go out with Jimmy and get a

while, you know, party like I used to.

You want to go out and party with your friends, be my guest.

Have a good time.

Are you sure?

Greg, I'd like to think that we have an open, honest relationship. I mean, just

tell me what you want to do.

Come on, I'm your wife, not your mother.

I know.

So. You want me to lay out some party clothes for Saturday night?

Would you?

Hey, Kim, is he ready to go?

Greg! Jimmy's here!

So, how's the birthday been?

Good. We went to the zoo and had a picnic.

Yeah? So did you give him my... Not your business.

And watch what you say in front of the kids.

I was talking about a cake. What are you talking about?

Whoa, you're not going to wear that, are you?

What's wrong with it?

Nothing, if you're going to a student council meeting.

Look, just lose the tie and untuck your shirt. You'll be fine. Let's go.

Say goodbye to Daddy.

Bye, buddy.

Kim, don't feel like you have to wait up for me.

How late are you planning on staying out?

Well, it could be to all hours of the night. Why?

Well, it's just usually conk out around 10.

So, if you get a little sleepy, just make sure you have some coffee.

Oh, and if you have some coffee, be near a bathroom, because you know how

coffee... Kim!

I'm not going to get sleepy.

In fact, I may pull an all -nighter, because I am ready to pa -ha -pa -ta.

Okay, never do that again.

Happy birthday. Have a good time.

Are you sure you're okay with this? Me going out and getting a little crazy?

Yeah. You know there's probably going to be a lot of young, single women at

these places.

Greg, do you want me to act jealous?

It wouldn't hurt.

If another woman, even so much as looks at you, I will find her and get all up

in her business.

Okay, now you never do that again.

Jimmy? Yeah, baby?

If you get tempted by some hot young thing, remember you have two small

at home.

who will be with you 24 hours a day when I leave you.

That's all I need to hear.

Before you go, we have one more present for you. This one's from Sammy.

Oh, why, thank you, Sam.

What is it?

Oh, it's a Blue's Clues watch.

And it lights up.

Nazzy.

He picked it out all by himself.

Really? Well, actually, he threw it in the stroller when I wasn't looking.

Sammy, your first petty crime. I love it.

Look, we should be going. I hope you don't mind, but I invited some other

along. Who?

Some guys I play poker with. But really, they're really good guys. Cream of the

crop, really. First class.

That's them.

Sleeping better?

Yeah, thanks for stopping for the ginger ale. It's been a while since I've been

in the back of a van doing donuts in a church parking lot. Yeah,

what's up?

Just hanging. What do you need?

A pound.

I don't have enough money for a pound.

All right, half a pound. Cool, later.

Hey, Chuck.

Yeah? Get us something to deli and get my sister some turkey.

Hey, are we going to just drive around all night? Yeah, don't worry, buddy.

We're going to treat you to dinner, and then we're going to take you to the

coolest club in L .A. Can we stop and get the turkey between dinner? We'll get

the turkey. Jeez.

It's quite a van you got here.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I wish I could get myself a ride like this. My old lady's always on my

back about the bills.

Yeah, sometimes they can drive you a little crazy, but who else is going to

sleep with you every night?

What? I'm talking about my mother.

Gino lives with his mom. His old lady really is an old lady.

You know, it's just easier. I used to have to drive all the way across town to

give her a bath.

Hey, Tank, would you crack the window open? Yeah, sure thing.

Tank? Yeah, we all sort of have nicknames.

Yeah, Jimmy's Tank because he usually buys the gas.

I'm also Tank, but it's because I wear tank tops.

Stevie, he snakes because he's afraid of snakes.

And Geno's pops.

Why's that?

Because I'm old. What are you, blind?

What's your nickname?

I don't have a nickname.

You gotta go out with us. You need a nickname. Oh, yeah.

Well, I always wanted to be called Luke.

You know, after Cool Hand Luke? That's my favorite movie.

I've probably seen it a hundred times. I used to watch it with my dad. We'd sit

around eating a big old box of Goobers and watching Cool Hand Luke.

Oh, perfect.

We'll call you Goober. What? No, no.

Goober's a good name. No, that's what I ate. I was watching Cool Hand Luke.

Hey, calm down, Goober. My name is not Goober.

Goober's pissed.

I'm not pissed. I'm fine.

Yeah, he's just hungry. So what do you think? You ready for your dinner?

Sure. I know a great little Italian place on Melrose. Right over here. What?

Welcome to Hungry Burger, man. Take your order. I have five hungry specials and

five large cokes.

And throw in Mr. Hungry Swirly Whirly. We got a birthday boy back here.

We probably should have left this turkey in the van, huh?

We're not too far from the front of the line, so we should be getting in soon.

It's not exactly that kind of line.

What do you mean?

They just don't let anyone in.

They hand -picked whoever they wanted, boy. So just because we waited in line

doesn't mean we're going to get in?

Nah.

Well, that doesn't seem fair.

Maybe I should tell them it's my birthday.

Greg, it's the Jungle Room, not Chuck E. Cheese.

Hey, hey, hey, here comes the bouncer. Everybody be cool. Act like you don't

care whether or not we get in.

Come on!

us in.

Please? Can I at least put my turkey in your fridge?

Nice, Steve.

This is horrible. It's like gym class all over again. Why don't we hire some

girls to walk by and laugh at us?

All I know is my mother is visiting her sister in Fresno this weekend, so I get

the big bed.

One way or another, I'm getting me some payoffs.

Come on, man. Give us a break. Let us in.

We have standards.

Standards? You let Scott Bale in.

Man, we've been here for like an hour and a half.

You know, this better be worth it once we get inside.

I hear it's great.

You hear it's great? I thought you'd been here before.

Yeah, we hang here all the time.

But it's usually here in the line.

Never actually gotten in.

Are you kidding? You've never gotten in?

I can't believe this is how I'm going to spend my birthday, riding around in the

back of a van eating fast food, and now I get to find out that I'm too old and

lame to hang out with all the cool people.

Well, I already knew that, Jim!

Oh, my God. What? It's Bret Michaels.

Poison? Where?

Oh, wow!

Poison is my favorite metal band.

Jay -Z's my favorite rapper. And for 70s rock, I like the Doobie Brothers, but

if we're talking light jazz... Steve!

You must be Wallander. That guy's a legendary partier, man.

Is this a great birthday or what, huh?

I'm going to go talk to him. No, don't talk to him. He's in poison. You're

to get us in trouble. Relax.

Hey, Brad, what's up?

Hey, buddy, what's happening, man?

Tank's got some big onions, doesn't he?

I tell you, man, I love your work. Open up and say, ah, that is like my favorite

CD. Thank you very much. I think you're a total genius.

It's not just me. I mean, you know, it takes a whole band.

I'm not just talking about the band. I'm talking about like your movies, like A

Letter from Death Row.

Scared the crap out of me.

And you starred in it and you wrote it.

Actually, also, I produced it and I directed it.

Unfortunately, I did most of the catering on it.

And you're like Orson Welles of Citizen Kane.

Well, my friends kind of think of me as like a Barbra Streisand in Yentl.

Okay.

You're not going to this place, are you?

Trying. Dude, it totally sucks in here. I mean, Scott Baio's in there doing card

tricks.

I'm going to go to a real rock and roll party. Come with me and my friends over

to the Chateau Marquis.

Really? Well, what about my friends?

What the hell?

Bring him along.

Okay, man. Thanks a lot. You're welcome. We'll see you out there. You know,

buddy. All right, man.

What happened? What happened?

Guys, we're partying with poison.

and think the rich and the beautiful were better than the rest of us. But I

wrong.

They're way worse.

Hey, buddy, you made it. Hey, Brett, what's up, man?

Hey, these are my friends. This is Greg, Gino, Chuck, and Steve.

Good to meet you guys.

Just a little warning I want to tell all you guys right now. I just got to warn

you. There's a couple of really, really sleazy women here.

So try to get to them before my buddy Charlie Sheen shows up, all right?

Hey, Brett, check this out. I picked it up on the way over.

Every rose has its thorn. Stop it.

You'll never do that again.

Listen, here's the rules of my party. You have fun.

Leave me at least one beautiful woman. That's all I ask, right?

Stay out of trouble.

That's my bro. All right, man. See you later, guys. Cool.

Wow, did you hear that?

Brett Michaels thinks we could actually get in trouble.

If a woman is willing to do that to her body, she must have serious self -esteem

issues.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

To mingle. Trying to make an impression. Maybe we can get invited back to the

next party. Jimmy, this was a fluke. Face it, every other party we'll be

to this year will have a moon bounce and a petting zoo.

Not if we play our cards right. See, look, the way you get invited back to a

party is you gotta stand out. You gotta make an impression. You can either be

the cool guy, the handsome guy.

Or the rich guy.

If you got nothing else, you can be the crazy guy. Oh, please.

Don't be the crazy guy.

Too late, kid. I was born the crazy guy.

All right, listen up, everybody.

I am prepared to eat anything for a dollar.

Hey, come on. Dance with us. Well, I would, but I think I'm just going to

Oh, come on.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that I...

Yeah, thanks.

My mother made me take dance lessons as a child, which means if you need someone

to take a beating, I'm also very good at that.

I'll keep that in mind.

Hey, you want to go up to the hot tub?

Gee, I didn't bring my suit.

You don't need a suit.

It's just me and a few friends.

I don't think so. I'm married.

That doesn't matter to me.

Well, it does to me.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Yeah, well, we've been married about three years now. Okay, well, I really

to go.

Have fun.

Steve? Yeah?

What are you doing?

Maritza's going to pierce my nipple.

Isn't that going to hurt?

Probably, but, dude, she's touching my nipple.

Hey, have you seen the other guys?

Uh, Gino and Chuck are around here somewhere. Where's Jimmy?

Greg? I'm trying to enjoy this. Sorry.

Hey,

Jimmy, let's get out of here.

I mean, this was fun for a while, but all this wild partying, it's just not my

thing anymore.

I can't leave yet, man. I haven't done anything crazy enough.

Maybe I've lost it. Maybe I'm not a crazy idiot anymore.

Oh, come on, Jimmy. You'll always be the biggest idiot I know.

Hey, thanks, buddy.

Hey, look at all those people down there.

Yeah. You think I could jump in the pool from here?

Jimmy, we're on the second floor. That's insane.

Yeah, you're right. It is insane.

What are you doing?

What are you... No!

Dude, did someone just jump off the balcony? Yeah, my stupid brother -in

Dude, you're crazy!

How often have you got the time?

Yeah, I got 11 .30.

Is that a Blue's Clues watch?

Yeah. It's a birthday present for my son.

You know, my little girl loves Blue's Clues.

You have a little girl? Yeah, five months old.

And they're really amazing, aren't they?

Absolutely. You know, it's the first time in my life to learn what true

unconditional love meant.

By the way, when was your birthday? It's today.

What the hell are you doing at this party? Why don't you go home with your

family? I guess I just wanted a wild night out. You know, kind of like how

live. What, you think this is how I live every night?

I'm doing this because a bunch of my buddies are in town from Pittsburgh

to experience a real rock and roll party.

Guess we're not as young as we used to be, huh? No.

I mean, hell, I used to stay up all night long, and now I'm in bed by 10 o

'clock, for God's sake.

You go to sleep at 10?

Well, I said I'm in bed by 10 o 'clock. You know what I mean? I mean, come on, I

am Bret Michaels.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Bret, thanks for the party and all. We had a blast, but I think I'm just

going to head home.

Tell you what, though, I'm going to walk out with you because I've got an early

morning tomorrow anyway. Me too. I've got jamboree. You're lucky, dude. I've

to go to a baby shower for the lead singer from Rat.

What are you guys doing up? Hi.

He woke up an hour ago and he didn't want to go back to sleep.

Hey.

Hi.

How was your birthday?

It was all right, but it just got a whole lot better.

Every rose has its thorn.

And just like every night has its dawn.

Pancake. Yes, please. You got it.

Just like every cowboy sings and says, says, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Every rose has its own.

Yeah.