Original subtitles

Greg, would you mind changing, Sam? I'm just putting away the groceries. No

problem, honey.

Are the diapers upstairs or in the diaper bag?

Upstairs, under the changing table. Should I use that cream or is that just

night? Yes, use the cream.

Use the white cream or that jelly stuff?

You know what? Just give them to me.

Sure, because I'll do it. Okay, I got it.

You were right.

I tell you, it works every time.

Jimmy, I'm trying to see Dominic in here. Would you mind taking a little for

walk? Oh, I'd love to.

Hey, honey, is the stroller in the car or in the garage?

It's going to be wrapped around your neck if you start with that question

again.

Of course, it doesn't work as well with the second kid.

They're really cute at this age, aren't they?

Yeah, except when mine's pouring sand down his pants.

Or that other kid's pants. Dominic, leave him alone.

That's okay. He's mine.

I don't mind the sand. It kind of works like cat litter.

Hey there.

How'd you guys do?

Well, we lost, but those guys must play ball in school. They were amazing. Yeah,

and rough.

You know, I'm a big guy. I bruise like a banana.

They did play a little dirty.

That's good, guys.

They're not even wearing sneakers.

Shut up.

Hey, cool. Is that kid on a leash? That is terrible.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant.

Kid on a leash.

Never ceases to amaze me the stuff I see some of these parents doing.

Mommy, I'm hungry.

Oh, would you like a cookie? Oh, no, thanks. I got it.

There's another park we can't go back to.

I hope she didn't think we were rude.

Well, we did kind of run to the car.

Call me old -fashioned, but I think a child is too old to breastfeed when he

unhook mommy's bra with one hand.

Relax. You know, maybe we didn't see what we thought we saw. Maybe the kid

just a freakishly gigantic one -year -old.

Jimmy, when he was done, he asked his mother to lay off the Mexican food.

breastfeeding that long, how do you stop?

I mean, at that point, you've got to do the whole don't worry, we'll still be

friends speech.

One year, that's what most of the books said, right, Kim?

Yeah, most of them said a year. Some said a little more, some said a little

less, but a year was more than enough for me. I couldn't wait to stop.

That woman's a freak.

Oh, come on, guys.

Breastfeeding is beautiful. It's nature.

It's not like she's committing some crime.

She just wanted to get a free peek at her boob.

It's a woman breastfeeding. feeding believe me there's nothing sexual about

do you see him a little the kid's head was in the way

Anything you want to say?

Good night.

Do you want to talk about this?

About what?

Kim, remember when you were breastfeeding Sam and the door opened

walks in and you screamed at him in horror and shame?

That was me.

I thought I recognized you.

Good night.

I just want you to know that I don't think you're a bad mother.

What does that mean?

I'm just saying that, you know, if you want to keep breastfeeding Sammy for a

few months, I don't think it necessarily means you're some sort of freak.

Hey, don't turn this around on me. I mean, if you thought you were acting so

normal, how come when I walked in, you shoved my son's head under your

like you were shoplifting a ham?

You just don't understand.

Oh, come on, Kim. Give me some credit, okay? I do read some of those books you

give me. I know how hard it is for a first -time mother to stop

You're having trouble separating from your son.

I mean, you two have this precious bond, and you're afraid you're severing this

intimate connection with your child. I'm doing it.

You knew when you got them, they were just rentals.

I mean, like that convertible we had on vacation. Yeah, it was fun and exciting,

but it's time to get back to our dependable everyday car.

Which always gets me where I need to go.

It's not that easy, Greg.

Are you saying that I've become very attached to them?

They're fantastic.

It's like they have magic powers. Men see them and just go into a trance. I

swear, I think I could rob a bank with these things.

When you say big penis, you mean like repulsively big, right?

Like circus big.

Come on, admit it.

You like these things, too.

Oh, of course I do, but it's just going to be a little creepy sharing them with

my 10 -year -old son.

Kim, when I fell in love, I fell in love with the petite, perky Kim.

I'm going to love you no matter what you look like.

What if they never go back to the way they were?

They've been through a lot lately.

Come on, how much could it change?

Remember my mother at the beach?

I am going to love you no matter what you look like.

Thank you.

What do you think we should do about this?

I guess tomorrow when he wakes up, we can try to give him the bottle.

I think that would be best.

Now get in the bed, you little sneak.

Okay, I'm not going to be able to sleep when you said big.

I don't know, Kim. Seems like an awful lot of trouble just for bigger jugs.

I knew you wouldn't understand. You got all the breasts in the family.

Hey, you want half my chest?

Fine, but you're going to have to take half my ass, too.

Hey, don't give that away. I like that.

If you get rid of something, give her those feet.

I just wanted some advice about weaning the baby.

Oh, God.

It's going to be pure hell.

Why? I mean, that boob is pretty important to him.

I mean, think about how much grown men think about breath.

And they don't even give us breakfast.

Wouldn't it be cool if pancakes came out of it?

Kim, just don't worry about it, okay? Look, it's going to be a rough couple of

nights, but it's not going to be bad.

Yeah, we can do it.

We? Yeah, I'm going to be there.

I happen to be the kind of father who wants to be involved in raising his son.

We're a team.

Uh -oh, Greg. Kim can't be there.

You've got to do this alone.

But we're a team.

Why can't she be there? Why can't she be there?

All the books say it's too hard for the child if the mother's still in the room.

Yeah, think about it. Would you take a bottle if you get it straight from the

tap?

Well, that's not fair.

I had to cut the umbilical cord. I had to witness the circumcision. Now I got

rip him away from the thing he loves most. Why does the father have all the

stuff? Honey, I passed an entire human being through my body.

Yeah, but I'm the one... Stay down, stay down.

Greg.

Greg. What?

He's crying.

Oh, yeah, I got it.

Again?

All right. I didn't want to do this, but here come the cold feet.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm up. I'm up.

I still think you should see a doctor about those.

Hey,

Sammy.

Look who it is. It's your daddy.

Good to see you, too.

I know you're hungry.

Look what I brought for you. A bottle.

Come on, don't be like that.

Come on, it's time for you to take a bottle, big guy.

Big boys don't like boobies.

Well, yes, they do, but not for what you do with them.

Well, that's not really true either.

You want to hold it yourself? Come here.

You want to hold it yourself?

Hold the bottle. Come on.

Come on. That's it.

That's it. We don't need mommy.

This is how big boys do it.

Did he throw the bottle?

It's under control. I got it.

Did you wipe the nipple off?

I didn't have to. Most of it got on my stomach.

Not your nipple. The nipple on the bottle.

Oh, yeah. Go back to bed. He's not supposed to see you.

Oh, he looks so...

Kim, we all look sad. It's 3 a .m. Go to bed.

He likes the Mozart CD, but skip track one because the bassoon frightens him.

you want to do this? Because I'll just go back to bed.

You know I can't. Well, then leave me alone so I can.

The faster you get out of here, the faster it'll be done. I don't want to do

this night after night.

You're right. You're right. This has to be done tonight.

Good night. Good night.

Tim, you're killing me here. He is not supposed to see you. No, Sammy, that's

not Mommy. It's some crazy lady in a Mommy mask.

I'll be right back, Sammy.

I'm sorry.

I can't listen to him cry.

I thought this was about the boobs.

So did I, but my son needs me, and I can't take it. I know this is tough, but

it's just one of those painful parts of being a parent.

It's like when Sammy was born, and you made me sell my motorcycle.

You mean your scooter?

My point is, it was hard to part with my motorcycle.

Your scooter. Whatever. Just let me do this.

Listen. You know you can do it. Just go to the guest house and stay with

Christine.

Fine. Just let me take a night to Sam.

Good night, my little puppy, Mommy.

Oh.

Oh.

Mommy loves you.

And Mommy will always be here for my little pumpy kid.

Oh, yes, she will.

Because you.

are the sweetest, cutest, little, munchy kids. Don't rush me.

Good night, Sammy.

Good night.

Hey.

Let's do this, pal.

Huh?

Let's do this.

Here, I got an idea.

Little Mozart, hold the bassoon, let you calm down.

And we'll try this bottle thing again.

Okay.

Oh, I feel like we're bonding already.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

Please don't make this night so hard.

Take the bottle, little guy.

I'm so tired that I could cry.

If you will not go to bed, please shoot Daddy in his head.

Sam, come on, drink from it. I'm running out of songs.

Here's another one. Okay.

Boogie night, ain't no doubt.

We are here to mourn and boogie night.

Get that party started.

Drink from the bottle, big guy.

Because rubber nipples are something, something rhymes with God.

Got to drink for Daddy.

Hey, what are you doing up here?

I spent an hour and a half getting Christine all the way up to all right,

make it quick, and then your wife showed up.

Sorry about that.

Oh, that's all right. If she was really into it, she would have taken her finger

out of the book.

How's it going?

How does it look like it's going? It's horrible.

I mean, you've been through this before. Could you please give me some advice?

Like what?

Like, what would make you want a rubber nipple?

Well, maybe right now it was part of a larger rubber woman.

Ah, thanks.

Come on. Come on. I know you can do this. You can handle it. I know you can.

You're a good father.

So listen, if it gets really bad and he starts screaming his head off, just

remember, I'm right downstairs on the couch, so shut the door.

Nah, nah, I'm living in my brother -in -law's guest house.

Yeah, we probably won't stay here too long.

We don't like taking advantage of people, you know?

So how's Sweden?

Hey, uh, hey, look, I gotta go. So listen, just, uh, I'll tell you, move my

knife to kink five, and, uh, we'll talk tomorrow.

No, no, no. Don't be silly. I'll call you.

What are you doing down here?

Oh, Kim's all worked up over there. I wanted to come get something to quiet

down.

That should drown her out.

You know, you amaze me.

You got the kids to sleep.

You're helping out your sister. You take care of everyone. You know, I know I

don't tell you this enough, but you're an unbelievable woman, and...

I love you.

Jimmy, I'm not going to have sex with you in their kitchen.

Hey, I see you drinking. I take a shot.

What's going on? This is nuts.

It's just crazy.

I tried everything.

Everything. I mean, I even offered him $500 to take the bottle and he still

refuses. He's just not being rational.

For $250, I will drink from the bottle and feed him like a mother bird.

Look, I've got to be up in two hours. We'll try this again tomorrow.

Where are you going? Going to get chem. We'll do this another night. I quit. You

can't just quit. This is a battle of wills with you and your child. You give

now. You know what you're teaching him? That if he cries, carries on long

enough, he'll get whatever he wants. And then, my friend, you're no longer that

sweet little boy's father.

You're his bitch.

This is the first of many times you're going to have to stick to your guns,

okay? Next year, when it's time to toilet train him, you think he's going

want to do it? No.

But you're going to have to make them like our parents did to us.

And thank God they did because, you know, it's the most important

we've ever had.

I think I've had a few accomplishments in my life that rank a little higher

using the potty, setting three state swimming records, graduating college,

cum laude. I don't care if you found a cure for cancer. You're still making it

in your pants. Nobody's having lunch with you.

He wants his mommy, we'll give him his mommy. What are you talking about? Dude,

it's not that hard to fool a one -year -old. Dominic still thinks the racetrack

is the horseshoe.

It'll help a lot if you smell like Kim. Kim doesn't wear perfume at night.

Why not?

Because she's not a hooker.

Fine. Au naturel. We can work with that.

What are you doing?

Looking for something that smells like Kim.

Stop that.

Trust me.

Oh, yeah, this is good. She's coming in strong on this one. Give me that.

Wrap it around you.

What?

Okay, look, I didn't want to have to admit this, but, um...

When I wean Logan and Dominic, the only way they take the bottle is... I dressed

up like Christine.

What? I put on Christine's clothes and pretended to be her.

First of all, there goes the father -son camping trip.

Second of all... No. Oh, fine. Okay, we'll do it your way.

Oh, wait. You don't have a way.

That would never work.

I'm only going to do it because I'm completely exhausted and I've obviously

my mind.

There's a damn neck hole.

Just focus on the positive. I think that cover looks fabulous on you.

I'm going to get some ready for my father -son moment.

Okay, buddy, let's do this. Yo, hold up. You can't just walk in there with your

breast hanging in your hand like that. You'll traumatize the kid.

You've got to put it where it belongs.

What?

Hold. Oh.

Oh.

Cut it out!

All right.

It may feel a little bit odd. I'll be fine as long as it works.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

He's drinking.

He's drinking in my breath. My son's drinking.

From my breath.

Okay, now I feel a little odd.

I told you, it's working.

Look, me, you, and Sammy, we did it.

Let's stand facing this way, okay?

Way to go, buddy. Drink up.

Hey, Sammy. I am so proud of you. How many nights did you have to dress up as

Christine?

Greg? You really didn't dress up as Christine, did you? Nope.

Don't come in here. What are you doing? Nothing. Get out.

Get out.