Original subtitles

Coming up tonight... Billionaire David Koch financed his last pipeline, the one

that will transport his body straight to hell.

Housing prices continue to rise in PEI, forcing Anne of Green Gables to become

Anne of Moncton.

And an astronaut allegedly hacked her ex -wife's bank account while in orbit,

begging the question, is space crime boring?

All this and more on the Beaverton.

Welcome, everyone, to the Beaverton. Hey, Emma, it is great to see you again.

Miguel, I know.

Let's begin with tonight's top stories.

This weekend, the G7 gathered in France to discuss the world's problems, of

which there are one or two.

If you're not familiar, the G7 is an annual meeting of the six most advanced

economies in the world. And also Italy goes.

But with the whole idea of globalism on the outs right now, you might wonder why

the G7 even bothered. Based on how little actually happened this weekend,

the G7.

At this point, the G7's like the last wedding of the season. No one wants to

but you feel obligated, even though everyone knows this thing is only going

last a few more years.

And as with most weddings, there's always that one guy no one wants to get

talking to.

Prior to the G7, Trump had himself a big week. Between trying to buy Greenland

and threatening to nuke hurricanes, he managed to go full anti -Semite.

Trump said that American Jews who vote Democrat are disloyal to Israel, then

endorsed himself as the second coming of God.

As a wise man once said,

But in fairness to Trump, if the two Jewish guys you spend most of your time

with told you to lock kids in cages and marry the woman you love, you might be

an anti -Semite too.

This joke has been brought to you by our Jewish writers.

They assured me it was okay.

They did.

All that said, a couple of notable things did occur at the G7.

Emmanuel Macron busted out a surprise guest, Iran's foreign minister, Javad

Zarif. Wow, awkward.

But hey, when you hear the words Iran and surprise in a sentence, a friendly

drop -by is the best -case scenario.

They also pledged around $20 million to fight the fires plaguing the Amazon,

which might sound like a lot of money, except for the fact that it isn't at

$20 million?

That's half of Trump's McMuffin budget.

Speaking of Brazil, the country originally known for using hot wax to

your pubic hair...

is now known for using hot fire to get rid of the Amazon.

The Amazon fires have devastated the world's most important ecosystem and

resulted in a mountain of criticism towards Jair Bolsonaro, Brazilian

and vampire butler.

When faced with a suggestion that he had encouraged farmers to start the fires,

Bolsonaro denied the charge, instead blaming that classic villain, NGOs.

Truly, Doctors Without Borders has gone too far this time.

This story is obviously very upsetting and is filling the world with

dread. So in the interest of not freaking everyone the shit out, we'd

point out some positive aspects.

Who knows, maybe the fires will finally smoke out Hitler.

And you know, it's been wonderful to see so many celebrities call for the

centuries -old rainforest to be saved.

The Amazon fires are the first time Leonardo DiCaprio has cared about

that's over 24 years old.

Plus, while the Amazon may produce 20 % of the world's oxygen, ocean plankton

produces 70%. So as long as we haven't been doing anything to mess up the

lately, we'll be fine.

Up next, Andrew Scheer, Tory party leader and ghost of a wicked little boy

pushed his mummy down a well.

Last week, Scheer found himself proper snookered yet again when the Liberals

released a video of him making these comments in Parliament on the subject of

same -sex marriage.

They cannot commit to the natural procreation of children. They cannot,

therefore, be married. How many legs would a dog have if you counted the tail

the leg?

The answer is just four.

What?

That's a younger, moister Andrew Scheer displaying all the charisma of an 8th

grade book report.

The comments were rightly criticized as virulently homophobic and strangely

canine -phobic?

Also by his logic, a childless marriage is an abomination instead of the

blissful utopia I'm assuming it actually is.

Now, Scheer could have put an end to this controversy if he just marched in

Ottawa Pride this past weekend. But can we really expect the guy to walk six

whole blocks?

Not to mention, those rainbow flags are surprisingly heavy.

Of course, Scheer's office claims that his views on same -sex marriage have

evolved. Or that's what they would have said if they believed in evolution.

But the biggest question in all of this, is it fair to bring up old homophobic

behavior to attack a currently homophobic candidate?

Who's to say?

And I'm going to say yes. Yes.

It has been a super rough couple of weeks for Wayne LaPierre, the NRA's CEO

Skeletor origin story.

The NRA is being torn apart by scandals and infighting. It's at risk of losing

its tax exempt status.

If that happens, it could go bankrupt. And this time, not just morally.

But worst of all, certain prominent Republicans slash so -called supporters.

have been flip -flopping on strengthening background check.

And I heard the only reason they didn't go through with it is because LaPierre

called Trump at 3 in the morning, like, crying.

Look, Wayne, we know you think you have to put up with this because if you stop

hanging with them, you won't be in that cool group anymore.

And that is true because you're a monster. That's true.

Have some self -respect. Respect yourself. They're just a bunch of fake

Honestly, they only like you for your money, Wayne.

Think about it. Whenever you go with Trump to his favorite pizza hut, who

up paying at the end of the night? Huh? It is always you!

Whenever you make brunch plans with them, they always cancel the morning of.

then you go to a meeting that afternoon to get AK -47s unbanned, and what do you

see? Trump has a hollandaise stain on his tie.

Oh my God, totally.

And what about that time Trump called you and he was like, hey, what do you

really think of Mitch?

And you were like, I don't know. He looks like someone made a butter

of Beaker from the Muppets, kind of.

And then Trump was like, that is interesting.

What do you think, Mitch? And Mitch was on the phone the whole time?

Oh, the three -way phone call attack.

Fake -ass friend.

Hey, Wayne, you don't need him. Mm -mm.

Just remember what the NRA always says. Keep your champagne for your gun friends

and your gun pain for your sham friends.

When we return, Trump asked about the feasibility of stopping hurricanes using

nukes, which is somehow still better than Bush's response to Katrina.

If there is one thing that Canada is known for, it's not being as racist as

U .S. And if there's a second thing Canada is known for, it's that we lie

the first thing.

Case in point, Quebec's religious symbols ban, a bill so Islamophobic it

put hair on Stephen Miller's head.

The ban is the subject of a court challenge set to be heard soon, but more

importantly, tonight's Meanwhile, Canada Sucks Too.

Since coming into effect in June, the ban has made it illegal for newly hired

civil servants to work while wearing items like a hijab or turban. Because to

Quebecois, a Muslim teacher in a hijab is even more terrifying than being the

victim of a just -for -last gag.

Premier Legault and the CAQ claim the ban is just another way for Quebec to

embrace secularism. Like how they took down the paintings of Jesus in the

legislature and replaced him with a jaunty portrait of Benham on the cross.

But unsurprisingly, in a province built by the Catholic Church, some religious

symbols are tolerated more than others. The streets are all still named after

saints. And there's a giant -ass cross on the top of Montreal.

Yeah, if they were really committed to reflecting their values, they'd turn it

into a T in a Toronto suck sign.

Legault has categorically denied the bill is racist.

Recently, he pointed out that similar bans are in place in Germany and France,

and dared anyone to call those countries racist.

Oh, and their right mind would accuse the countries that invented Nazis and

collaborated with Nazis of racism.

Hey, in fairness, he was speaking in English, and you try defending racism in

your second language.

Pardon. So, given the obvious discrimination, you might ask, hey,

create a whole charter of rights and freedoms to prevent this sort of thing?

Unfortunately, Quebec preemptively thwarted that by invoking the

clause. Wow, that's some 3D chess, Legault.

I'll bet he always plays the white pieces.

Probably, probably.

Of course, Legault defended using the notwithstanding clause, too.

If we have to use the notwithstanding clause to apply what wants, the majority

of Quebecers will do so.

Who cares if the ban is popular? Just because it was popular enough to make

eight Saw movies, that isn't grounds for putting Jigsaw on the Human Rights

Commission.

You would think everyone outside Quebec disagrees with the ban.

And all three major party leaders originally condemned it, with Prime

Trudeau saying this.

We do not feel that it is the government's responsibility or in the

interest to legislate on what people should be wearing.

Trudeau is right. You never want to see a legislature do a hateful spin -off of

what not to wear.

But, of course, the strong stand our PM took led him to do absolutely nothing.

He could have joined the Charter Challenge, but he didn't. And why?

what's sure to be a close campaign, Quebec is Canada's most important swing

province. They've decided more elections than a Macedonian teenager with 4 ,000

Facebook accounts.

So how will the other federal leaders find ways to be politically expedient

ignore the religious symbols ban?

That won't be a problem for Andrew Scheer. He can turn any thorny political

issue into a conversation about milk.

It's a superpower.

It really is.

And Jagmeet Singh, well, we're pretty sure we know how he feels about the ban.

But if he wants another orange wave, he'll have to come out hard for other

Quebecois issues, like federally mandated Cirque du Soleil and

medicinal smoked meat.

You know, it lowered my blood pressure.

Maybe the most depressing thing about all this is how only a few years ago,

things like the Charter of Values and the Barbaric Practices Hotline are what

cost you an election. But those awful policies were ahead of their time. Like

prog rock in the 70s. Or prog rock in 2015.

Xenophobia has been normalized over the last four years. But it's what helped

the CAQ win in 2018.

And it may still play a role in this year's federal election.

If you think about it, even Trump, who instituted a Muslim travel ban, hasn't

gone as far as outlawing religious symbols. So in this very specific case,

guess that means Canada sucks more?

Sad.

Coming up next, lawyers petition for Harvey Weinstein's trial to be moved

New York City to somewhere less biased, like the 1950s.

He'd love it there. Then it would have been fine.

A British -Canadian ISIS member known as Jihadi Jack may soon be on his way to

Canada after Britain stripped him of citizenship.

Critics say he could be the worst British import since Mumford & Sons.

Awful bands.

Conservatives already oppose the idea, fearing Jihadi Jack will steal jobs from

hard -working, homegrown terrorists.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Trudeau says that if Jihadi Jack wants to come to

Canada, he'll have to meet a number of conditions.

First of all, that name has got to go.

Trudeau wants them to adopt something less threatening, like chilled -out

smiley Jay, or his personal favorite, Sir Hugs -a -lot.

Also, ISIS has a reputation for brutal violence and a terrible fashion sense.

So to ensure the safety of Canadians, Trudeau wants jihadi Jack to surrender

beheading sword and wear something with a pop of color.

Starting this week, the Ford government will require gas stations to put anti

-carbon tax stickers on their pumps. The stickers will likely be very persuasive

for the seven Ontarians left who don't just stare at their phones while pumping

gas.

As the CEO of a label company, Ford knows there's no problem in life that

be solved by a good sticker.

That goes for everything from anti -climate change propaganda to selling

liters of C -plus for three bucks.

Which is why Ford is already planning to take his adhesive label -based

diplomacy to the next level by making restaurants display anti -carbon tax

stickers on their menus.

And door -to -door salespeople wear it on their face.

If that pans out, who knows where it could go?

Municipal cuts? There's a sticker for that.

Called out for rampant cronyism? Ooh, sticker says no.

Criticized for wasting taxpayer money on a program for stickers? I think we all

know the answer to that one.

The vagina.

It's known as the face of the legs.

I have never known it as that.

Well, whether you have one or just emerged from one, the state of the old

vertical smile has long been a hot topic.

In at least one case, literally.

A B .C. woman suffered second -degree burns while she was treating herself to

technique called vaginal steaming.

Oh, no.

Yes, which is exactly what it sounds like. You squat over a pot of boiling

and unleash the power of piping hot steam on your nether face.

Here to delve into the folds of vaginal maintenance is Beaverton writer and

genitals care enthusiast Elena Ryok.

a gynecologist.

It's the very first thing you said when I met you. Mm -hmm.

And yet, I do feel qualified to assert with confidence there are certain things

that should be kept away from human genitals, like hot sauce, candles, old

lawmakers, and, of course, boiled water.

This all seems pretty intuitive. And yet, here we are.

Listen to me right now. A vagina is like an oven or a cat. It's self -cleaning.

It makes sense. Now, Elena, in your esteemed opinion, what motivates an

otherwise sensible person to steam the V?

Well, it could dive into the whole patriarchal tradition that both

and shames vaginas. But in the interest of time, let's just say, oh, I don't

know, the wellness industry.

Wait, are you implying that wellness might not be its actual goal?

I can't say, but yes.

And furthermore, anything that suggests your vagina is somehow deficient and

thus in need of a pseudo -scientific scrubdown is just shame -based marketing

gussied up as empowerment.

Honestly, just get regular checkups, hit the shower once in a while, and, I

don't know, do some Kegels.

I'm doing them right now.

No, it's not for you. No.

It's not just steaming we don't need. There are countless gels, washes,

and deodorants to go along with plumping, primping, poking.

Poking? Yeah, it's when you use a needle to inject platelets. No, no, no, I

don't want to. That's enough. All of it is geared towards keeping your glorious

vagina as firm, odorless, hairless, and unobtrusive as an alabaster statuette in

an old Victorian library.

Wow, that is specific.

Yeah.

Imagine trying to achieve it.

The point is, your vagina's fine.

So let's all exercise some common sense and leave them the heck alone.

It's exhausting enough being a person without having to steam your downstairs.

And it shouldn't take a gynecologist to tell you that a hot kettle shouldn't go

anywhere near your clamps.

And for that matter, neither should clamps.

Elena Ryok, everybody.

Up next, with Sean Spicer added to Dancing with the Stars, next season's

bachelor is revealed to be Steve Bannon.

Welcome

back.

Mozart, Marcus Aurelius, Emily Dickinson. Great minds with one thing in

None of them vaped.

Despite this, there's evidence that North America's teens and millennials

vaping more and more. And now the U .S. Center for Disease Control is

investigating a mysterious cluster of illnesses they believe are related to e

-cigarette use.

Symptoms include chest pain, difficulty breathing, and yes, diarrhea.

It's a bad scene, man.

And it brings me to the topic of tonight's Let Me Explain.

Okay, we should all start smoking cigarettes again.

Oh, let me explain!

Sure, cigarettes aren't great.

They've robbed us of some of our most grizzled actors.

And the science is in. Smoking causes cancer.

But at least the science is in.

Nobody freaking knows what the long -term effects of vaping are.

But, Emma, there are over 7 ,000 chemicals in cigarettes, most of them

Exactly!

Cigarettes don't lie.

anymore. They show you their horrifying effect right on the packaging, facing

hides behind kid -friendly flavors like cotton candy and super berry. Cigarettes

have the courage to taste like a wet horse.

I always thought they tasted more like a boot foot.

Wet horse, boot foot, the point is they're honest. Also, they look cool.

No! Oh, he's great!

Picture the iconic poster for Breakfast at Tiffany's, okay? Audrey Hepburn

holding that elegant cigarette holder. Now replace it with a dumb vape.

People would have thought, yeah, it was some weird sci -fi film instead of a

timeless vehicle for Mickey Rooney's racism.

Please, please, can we just agree that neither one is cool?

I'll tell you what's not cool.

Explosions. Um, they can be kind of cool.

No, not when they happen in your face and or hands.

Hmm. Which is a thing vape pens are known for.

You know what? Now that you mention it, I would hate having something explode in

my face. Exactly.

Although, let's be honest. Smoking slang is way hipper than vaping slang. Would

you rather rip mad cotton on a rig or heck of dirt?

I prefer to chew gum.

Yeah, but we're talking about what cool people do.

Okay. You are making a bad faith argument. Allow me to explain, my good

Nobody is saying people should smoke. You literally said that two minutes ago!

All I'm saying is, if you're going to make a terrible choice anyway, make the

informed terrible choice.

Sort of, and it's better to dance with the toxic, cancerous devil you know than

the mysterious, berry -smelling one you don't situation.

Exactly. Or you could just not smoke at all.

That's better.

Except for weed.

Oh, obviously. God have mercy. God have mercy. This has been Let Me Explain.

And that's our show next week on the Beaverton. Taylor Swift says she's re

-recording her early hits so she can finally add some clarinet solos. See you

next week. That's great.

You'll like to see that.