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Coming up tonight... Pro -democracy protests shut down Hong Kong's airport,

severely limiting access to $17 sandwiches.

Rogers Cup winner Bianca Andreescu was stripped of her title after testing

positive for being a TELUS customer.

And will ice raids mar Mississippi's image as a paragon of racial justice?

All this and more on The Beaverton.

Yes, thank you very much. Welcome, everyone. Welcome to the Beaverton.

it's great to see you. Miguel, I wish I could say the same. But before we unpack

that, let's begin with tonight's top stories.

Up first, Trump mass shooting himself in the foot.

Amid growing criticism that Trump's nationalist rhetoric had inspired the

events in Dayton and El Paso, Trump treated the cities like a woman's locker

room and entered them despite their asking him not to.

There he brought cheer the best way he knew how, by bragging about his crowd

sizes and attacking his political opponents.

No one has misread the vibe this badly since Netflix released another season of

the OA.

Why?

Of the eight victims still being treated at University Medical Center in El

Paso, not one of the patients well enough to receive visitors agreed to

with Trump.

Instead, Trump snagged a juicy photo op with a baby who'd been orphaned in the

attacks, proving once and for all there's no one so young that Trump won't

them without their consent.

On the plus side, he managed to get through the entire photo op without

the baby a loser.

Then again, cameras weren't rolling, so we actually have no way of knowing that

didn't happen.

After the visits, Trump reportedly threw a massive hissy fit on Air Force One

that he wasn't getting enough credit for his actions.

Don't worry, Trump.

Everyone agrees the shootings were your fault. Oh, yeah.

Of course, Trump had the perfect way to contain the fallout. Tweet an absurd

conspiracy about the Clintons murdering Jeffrey Epstein.

It's all part of Trump's strategy.

He tweeted about Epstein to make everyone forget about his hospital

which he did to make people stop talking about the ICE raids, raids he

authorized to move the news away from his racist tweets, tweets he sent to

up his connection to accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.

Kind of like the old lady who swallowed a fly.

Only if the old lady was jamming the animals down everyone else's throat.

Imagine Hillary did have Epstein killed. That means there is a woman capable of

murdering a man in prison in order to protect a global pedophile ring, but

capable of changing her email account.

Of course, we don't want to trade in jokes on terrible conspiracy theories,

because as a comedy news show, we have a higher ethical obligation than the

President of the United States.

So, just, yeah, just to be clear, just to be clear, we don't believe that

Clinton's had anything to do with Epstein's death.

Right, because it was definitely the royal family.

They've killed before, and now they've done it again.

Damn you, House of Windsor!

Democratic frontrunner and leering bozo Joe Biden spent the last week trying to

squander his lead with a series of gaffes.

On Thursday, he called Theresa May Margaret Thatcher, but explained it was

a Freudian slip.

Like that time he called Angela Merkel mommy.

He claims he misspoke when he said poor kids are just as bright as white kids.

I mean, obviously, he knows the difference between poor kids and black

didn't spend the 70s working with segregationists to keep poor kids out of

school.

Biden also suggested he was vice president during the Parkland shooting

other fantasies, like that he ever passed meaningful gun reforms.

But to anyone who's paid attention to American politics over the last four

years, it's pretty clear what Biden is doing.

Pretending to be senile is the only way to win back Trump voters.

In 2016, America was taken with Trump's old folksy charm and his affinity for

telling it like his softened brain sees it.

Voters have always been drawn to candidates you can sit down and share

dementia medication with.

Much like Trump, Biden is trying to prove he's the ideal choice for people

like their president's ancient, handsy, and confused after sundown.

And sure, you can applaud him for trying to punch his weight with Trump's brain

farts and explosive mouth diarrhea.

But the truth is, the Dems should really just move on. It's time for the DNC to

put Biden in a home and throw their support behind a more youthful and

candidate. Bernie Sanders!

In the wake of America's mass shootings, there are renewed calls for gun control

in the United States.

But since then, more than 25 people have been shot in Toronto, which is why gun

violence is the subject of tonight's Meanwhile Canada Sucks 2.

Canada likes to compare itself favorably to our more dysfunctional American

brother. I mean, if your job was to give enemas to elephants, you'd look way

better if your sibling happens to run a dog fighting ring.

The only problem is being elbowed deep in an elephant is still objectively bad.

And much like an elephant's ass, Canada's gun laws are full of crap.

Yeah, since 2013, Canada has experienced a 42 % rise in gun violence. We rank

fifth among 36 Western nations in gun deaths per capita.

Our rate is twice as high as Australia's. As a nation, I think we can

can't let ourselves be beaten by those upside -down kangaroo perverts.

But how are they doing so well? In 1996, after a grisly mass shooting, they

instituted an assault weapon buyback in one of the most effective gun control

laws in modern history.

In Canada, however, we have a different issue.

More than half of our gun homicides are a result of handguns, even though they

make up less than 10 % of all guns in Canada.

So who in their right mind would be against a handgun ban?

Shocking. But it isn't just conservatives. When asked why Canada was

its heels on handgun reform, Minister of Public Safety Ralph Goodale had this to

say. I can't comment on other countries.

Other facts? and information, including ongoing events, are

shaping the policy proposals that we will be making to

Canadians in the weeks immediately ahead.

Wow. Right to the point and so inspiring.

So our politicians are useless, but are handgun bans? For an answer, let's

travel to the cold, distant nation of Iceland.

Iceland, don't tell me we've fallen behind those right -side -up kangaroo

perverts, too.

We have, by a lot. Iceland has almost the exact same gun ownership rate as

Canada, and yet since 2007, they had a total of zero gun homicides.

Wow, they really settled down since their Viking days.

So why is our safety falling behind a former penal colony or the historic

pillaging capital of the world?

Well, there's one big way Canada is like the U .S., our gun lobby. According to

lobbyist registration records, gun lobbyists met or communicated with MPs

senators over 100 times since 2016.

Maybe they just wanted to talk about Game of Thrones, you know?

To be fair, if Westeros had guns, that show would have been much, much shorter.

That's true.

But you can't deny the gun lobby's influence on our laws.

In 2012, they helped repeal the federal long gun registry.

They're currently pushing the Senate to gut a bill on stronger background

checks. And whenever a high -profile shooting happens, they're quick to

us now is not the time to talk about gun legislation.

That's like if there was an E. coli outbreak and the vegetable lobby told us

is not the time to talk about a romaine lettuce recall.

Is poo in our lettuce more dangerous than guns?

Who's to say?

Either way, there's every reason to make guns harder to get.

A recent national poll showed 61 % supported a handgun ban. The last time

of Canadians agreed on anything, we all got to legally spark a blunt in our

bathtub.

So let's keep pressuring our politicians.

There's nothing we can't do if we don't put our minds to it.

Except electoral reform.

Oh yeah, obviously, forget it.

When we return, two elderly worshippers stopped a mosque shooting in Norway,

proving the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a 65 -year -old man with

arthritis.

I don't care.

Thank you. Thank you.

Welcome back.

Last week, a U .N. report highlighted four simple ways to mitigate the effects

of climate change. But why take the easy way out when there's another, more

complicated option?

It's called climate hacking, and it's a big hit with Silicon Valley thought

leaders and Republican lawmakers, natural allies like jackals and vultures

snakes and other snakes.

Here to share more about this exciting new field is our own Dave Barclay.

Tell us a bit more about climate hacking.

Well, the basic idea is this.

Reckless meddling with the environment got us into this mess. Therefore,

reckless meddling with the environment is going to get us out of this mess.

Hey, it's how I fixed my sister's marriage.

Go on, Dave.

One proposal, or hack, to stop global warming?

Using satellites to block out the sun, which scientists now know is very hot.

Hold on a second. Is this a real proposal or a sci -fi fever dream?

In 2019, everything is both.

But this particular bit of fevered realism is one the U .S. government has

considering since the Bush administration, a famously sane

But don't we... How do I put this?

Need the sun?

I guess we'll see.

But if you're a big fan of the old hot gas ball, you're really going to hate

this next idea.

It's called stratospheric aerosol injection.

Bill Gates is a fan, so you know it's got to be good.

Ooh, does it come with a free trial of Microsoft Office?

No, but it's just as bad.

See, when a volcano explodes, the sulfur it releases reflects sunlight, lowering

temperatures. So the idea is we intentionally fill our atmosphere with

fresh -smelling sulfur.

Just like bad climate change.

and our beautiful blue skies become a thing of the past.

Now, I'm a few years out of Sunday school, but isn't sulfur famously the

atmosphere in hell?

This is science, Miguel.

Leave your hell out of this.

Moving on to the blood -red seas.

The what? It's called ocean fertilization.

Here's how it works. By dumping fertilizer into the sea, we can grow

which breathes in carbon dioxide.

Unfortunately, the algae is blood -red.

I mean, I guess that's not the worst thing. No, the worst thing is it's also

extremely poisonous.

But on the bright side, think how many dead, rotting fish will wash up on

How is that the bright side, Dave? Oh, many species of fish are bioluminescent,

and since we blocked out the sun, we'll need them to view the hateful Crimson

Sea.

Okay, so the solution to climate change is to create a smelly, fish -lit

hellscape with a dead red ocean and a brimstone sky.

You're kind of a glass -half -empty person, aren't you?

Well, it's just that these side effects to these temporary solutions seem like

they're going to make things worse.

Can't we just...

I don't know, cut emissions?

No.

No, that's too expensive.

Well, Dave Barkley, everybody.

Coming up next, could rising tensions in Kashmir lead to soft, luxurious nuclear

war?

Hope not. Hope not. I love a good day.

Welcome back. If you made it this far into the show, you'll notice the news is

little depressing, which is why sometimes we prefer to make it up. Right

it's time for the counterfeit news.

A new study has ranked Canadians' favorite things to do in the summer. It

as no surprise that the number one summer activity is our storied national

pastime, pretending we enjoy camping.

Every summer, Canadians begrudgingly drive hundreds of kilometers to a

-infested campsite, all for the chance to get crotch rot, then hang our food in

the trees to prevent a bear attack during our bad, terrifying tent sex.

Then we wake up the next day to look at a stupid river while we take a dump

outside and bury it in the ground like a goddamn animal.

All while feeling the need to constantly say, this is fun, right?

I hope we don't get hurt since we're so, so far away from a hospital.

But questions remain.

Why is camping so terrible?

How did we convince ourselves it was fun? Am I reporting on this story solely

get my friends to stop asking me to go camping?

The answer to that last one is yes.

You could have just told me you didn't want to go camping with me. Pretty sure

just did.

Fad diets.

Like movies based on comic books, they keep popping up. And like those movies,

they're often expensive, unpleasant slogs that leave you feeling diminished

hungry for something better.

For more on the subject, here's a new segment we call What Fresh Hell with Ann

Pornel.

Thank you, pal.

So I was at home last night, going between mindlessly scrolling on my phone

falling asleep, as one does, when I stumbled across a very alarming article

about actual goddess and my raison d 'etre, Beyoncé.

Specifically, it was about the new diet she and her personal trainer are

promoting. And it made me wonder, what fresh hell, Beyoncé?

For the record, Beyoncé fans, I have no beef here. Please don't at me.

Well, if you don't want beef, the 22 days nutrition meal is for you. For only

$18 a month, plus a big chunk of your self -esteem, you can eat like Beyonce

does, or in this case, doesn't.

It cuts out bread, carbs, sugar, dairy, meat, fish, and alcohol.

Honestly, it's more restrictive than Destiny's Child was when it came to

Michelle sing.

Anne, what can you eat on this diet?

Pretty much legumes with a schmear of mustard and, I don't know, ice.

Bey was quoted as saying, 175 pounds is a woman's worst nightmare.

Not to quibble with the queen, but if you ask me, a woman's worst nightmare is

three weeks of eating beans and lentils and farting herself into the sun.

Look, Yonce, you may be a fierce female icon and a huge inspiration, but you

can't stand in front of the word feminist and then promote a fad diet.

That's like calling an escape room fun.

See, that's what I've been telling you. Don't bring it up in front of my friend.

Now, this is just the latest piece of self -starvation tripe for us to gnaw

Remember the master cleanse fad a few years ago?

If you don't, let me remind you. The master cleanse was just you paying for

diarrhea.

Some of the most expensive bowel movements of my life.

And Beyonce isn't the only celebrity who's trying to sell us diets.

Look no further than American royalty, the Kardashians. From detox teas to

appetite suppressant lollipops to meal replacement shakes, I don't know if

they're a family or just a sexy pyramid scheme.

The thing about Beyonce and the Kardashians is they're not just people.

industries. And like all industries, they have employees.

Like trainers, chefs, personal assistants, and doctors to yell at them

look at a cookie.

Breaking news. Most people aren't gazillionaires.

But that hasn't stopped them from investing in diets like they are. In

America, people spend over $60 billion a year on diets.

That's a lot of asparagus water, man.

Tell me about it.

Honestly, when it comes to how we eat, the only celebrity we should be

to is Daddy Science.

Okay? Now, I realize he's a tad out of fashion these days, but he still knows

his stuff. And science has consistently found that diets do not work.

Science has also proven something else. Your body needs food!

So, take a hike, celeb diet.

Don't try and tell me that denying my body calories is going to make me rich

beautiful, because I haven't had my dinner yet, and I could literally flip

this fancy glass desk, and oh yeah, my weight through a wall like the Kool -Aid

man!

Thanks for noticing the desk. Yeah.

expect a negative election campaign full of personal attacks.

But honestly, what do those idiots know?

Welcome back to the show.

If there's anything we've learned from Senate Majority Tortoise Mitch

it's that slow and steady blocks common sense gun reform.

The gun control debate is a tale as old as the NRA's time.

But last week, a new question was added to the discourse.

It's a news item that's so ridiculous, it's a shock we didn't make it up. Those

stories live here in a segment we call Not the Beaverton.

We absolutely cannot believe this found coverage in mainstream news sources, but

last week, in response to calls for an assault weapon ban, Some guy delivered

this now infamous tweet.

Legit question for rural Americans.

How do I kill the 30 to 50 feral hogs that run into my yard within three to

minutes while my small kids play?

Ernest Hemingway was always looking for the perfect sentence.

Well, wake up, Papa, and break out the scotch because I think we just found it.

Seriously, let's give this tweet to Pulitzer.

The tweet went viral for a whole three days. In terms of popularity, that's the

modern -day equivalent of Bible sales.

But this insane tweet, which we need to reiterate is 100 % real, does bring up a

valid point.

Feral hogs are absolutely terrifying.

Which makes us wonder, are there legitimate reasons for someone to own an

assault rifle?

What if you live next door to a zoo?

Sure, you could take down a bear with a handgun, but how do you account for the

flanking 30 lions and 50 tigers?

Look, these hogs are obviously out for revenge. They know we eat them. Plus,

they know we laughed at them all the way through Babe, Pig in the City.

He just got too cocky.

Shouldn't have done that. No.

Clearly, the only way to stand your ground against invading hog hordes is by

firing your semi -automatic rifle into a yard filled with 30 to 50 hogs and two

to four small children.

Wild boar attacks account for a whopping 3 .8 deaths per year. But Congress

would rather thousands of Americans die from preventable gun deaths than allow

hogs to gore almost four people.

Wow. Republicans agree these hogs need to know their place. They do. This has

been Not the Beaverton.

That's our show. Join us next time as Andrew Scheer responds to demands he

in a pride parade by watching half an episode of Queer Eye.