Original subtitles

Coming up tonight.

Trudeau announces protections on 10 % of our marine areas while doubling down on

his efforts to destroy the other 90%. With syphilis rates on the rise, Health

Canada issues a warning against having sex with poets.

And Ronald Reagan has been accused of being racist. Could this ruin his

reputation as the man who ignored AIDS?

All this and more on the Beaverton.

Welcome, everyone, to the Beaverton, Canada's only news program.

We've got a great show tonight, so let's get started with tonight's top stories.

The Democratic primaries, an 18 -month -long process to choose a potential

president and to meet a bunch of rich dum -dums who definitely aren't going to

be president.

The primaries kicked into high gear last week with two CNN debates featuring

nonstop action.

Bernie Sanders fought back against the perception that he is too old by

and waving his arms at random moments.

Kamala Harris went after Telfie Gabbard like she was one of the hundreds of

black people Harris sent to private prisons.

And Joe Biden continued his evolution from America's fun uncle to the creepy

uncle who keeps telling America what a beautiful young woman she's become.

But mostly the debates gave CNN a chance to create a political thunderdome. 20

candidates enter, one candidate leaves with a slight bump in the polls.

Instead, the candidates engaged in interesting conversations regarding

care and immigration.

Look, Democrats, that is not how you prepare for a debate with Trump.

Instead, you should pick a fight with a six -year -old having a meltdown in

Walmart.

Frankly, the Democrats should learn from Canada. If they force the candidates to

also debate in French, that would probably eliminate about 90 % of them

there.

Capital One, the company whose free credit card you keep throwing out, was

hacked. A security breach means 6 million Canadians have had their

financial information stolen. If you're worried someone made false charges on

your account, there is only one thing to do.

Go buck wild on that Capital One credit card, baby!

22 -party sub?

Hacker did that.

Sexy picture of Sonic the Hedgehog? Hacker did that, too.

Several Criss Angel Blu -rays?

Looks like that hacker is a mind freak.

Oh, no! I think the hacker went out for a fancy steak dinner with my husband.

Another option for people affected by the hack is signing up for a credit card

monitoring service like Equifax, who just so happens to be the target of an

larger hack. That's like hiring a babysitter that's just a sleepier,

baby.

If you ask me, the only way to avoid having your information stolen is by

tweeting out your own social insurance number.

I bury all of my personal data in my backyard.

For what it's worth, by entering the male -dominated industry of data theft,

alleged hacker Paige Thompson not only broke the firewall around Capital One,

but also the glass ceiling, making her our feminist icon of the day.

Yes, good for her. True heroes hack the patriarchy.

Inspiring. Turning to what should have been our top story, and what should be

everyone's top story every day, the Arctic is on fire.

If you were disappointed in the last season of Game of Thrones, you are not

going to enjoy this newest adaptation.

But what's causing them? Is it the result of climate change? Or are young,

disaffected polar bears turning to arson?

Whatever the case, scientists expressed concern that the smoke from the

wildfires could spread soot on Greenland's ice cap, speeding up its

rate. Thankfully, there's no need to worry about that. The record -breaking

European heat wave got there first.

There are even reports that you can see the Arctic fire smoke from space. So

move over, Great Wall of China. There's a new human achievement being spied from

the cosmos.

Donald Trump even weighed in on the catastrophe.

He released a statement last week that he and Putin discussed the fires over

phone. Look, you know it's a big deal when it's filtered into Trump and

daily chat.

We don't know what was said on the phone call, but we can only imagine the ideas

those two had for quashing the fires in Siberia, bribing it, taking away its

civil rights, or, if push comes to shove, locking the fire up in a gulag.

But what would happen to all the political prisoners there? Well, as

climate scientist Yakov Smirnoff always says, in Russia, forest fires pull you

out.

Don't. But there is some good news in all of this. The unprecedented Arctic

wildfires prove that Mother Nature is truly having a hot girl summer.

She is living her best life and having fun out there, making Mother Nature our

feminist icon of the day.

Hey, there can be two. There should be two. There should be two. The federal

election is just months away, and the country's political parties are trying

their best to attract voters.

But how does this tantalizing political mating dance look to indigenous people?

For that, we turn to Beaverton contributor and real -life indigenous

Fontaine.

Thank you for being here. Okay.

So, Tim, how is the slate of federal party leaders looking to you as an

indigenous voter?

Not good, Miguel.

Everyone's lining up for my vote, but no one is catching my eye. It's like a

crappy version of The Bachelor.

No, The Bachelorette. Even crappier.

Love Island?

Maybe, but replace love with empty pandering.

Okay, so let's start with how the Liberals are doing on empty pandering

Might as well.

Look, First Nations, Inuit, and Métis people helped bring the Liberals to

by voting in record numbers.

But since then, Justin Trudeau has been doing the policy equivalent of laying on

the couch in a dirty tank top saying, Babe, I bought you a pipeline and you

never even use it.

Don't buy something for me if it's just for you, guy.

I actually dated a guy like that in high school, only it wasn't a pipeline, it

was a No Fear t -shirt.

Damn you, Aaron Brilson.

Well, now that an election's looming, Trudeau's dropped the Aaron Brilson Act.

He's suddenly gazing into our eyes again, promising hot nation -to -nation

action. Well, it's not 2015 anymore, Justin.

No, indeed. So, Tim, how are the Conservatives looking?

You know how when young kids like someone that way, they either ignore

act mean?

That's the Conservative relationship with Indigenous people.

If low -key hostility and negging are signs they're playing hard to get,

crushing it.

Maybe Andrew Scheer read the pickup artist's handbook.

Maybe. But I'm pretty sure they don't actually like us. They just want our

sweet, sexy votes.

Okay, and what about the NDP?

I'm sorry, who?

Touche.

Maybe people should be considering the alternatives.

I don't know.

Green Party leader Elizabeth May seems cool, but she's hanging with some really

problematic figures.

You think you're going over to her house for some democracy and chill, then in

walks Warren Kinsella with a camcorder saying, let's party.

Yeah, it's a huge turn -off for us, too.

Okay, what about the People's Party of Canada?

Knowing these guys, they probably want us to go back to India.

Okay, well, what could a political party offer you that might change your mind

and get your vote?

That's a great question.

I guess I'd settle for half.

Half? The land.

Half the land?

Yep. East or west, we're not fussy.

That might be tough.

Would a land acknowledgement cover it? Nope. Sorry.

Leaders, if you want my vote, it's going to be half the land.

Tough, but fair. And that'll do it? Yep. For now.

What's that?

Nothing. Tim Fontaine, everyone.

Huawei is facing criticism for a software update that autocorrects Tibet

People's Republic of China.

A video claiming that Justin Trudeau will impose Sharia law on Canada if he

the next election has been posted to several Islamophobic Facebook groups.

the video was easily debunked, since instituting Sharia law would require

Trudeau to actually do something.

Hate -mongering aside, does anyone think Trudeau is capable of delivering

Sharia? Dude hasn't even been able to get electoral reform off the ground. Can

we really trust him to implement Allah's divine law?

Just look at his climate plan.

Do we really want Justin's watered -down, half -assed version of Sharia

Honestly, that would be worse than no Sharia at all.

I'm not so sure. Well, robots.

We've always known they would overthrow our government and enslave our supple

human bodies.

We thought they'd look like this.

But when it finally happened in 2016, these were the bots who came for us.

And with campaign season looming in Canada, many are wondering, could bots

influence our election too?

In recent weeks, the hashtag TrudeauMustGo has repeatedly trended on

Twitter. Subsequent reporting showed that the hashtag's popularity originated

with a small group of fake accounts, tweeting hundreds of tweets a day.

After that story broke, those accounts started tweeting about how they were

hashtag not a bot.

Something, of course, every real person feels the constant need to say.

But why should we care what happens on Twitter? Isn't that just the place where

the president's brain goes to take a dump?

Sadly, social media manipulation keeps happening because it works, which a lot

of us learn thanks to the world's scariest country.

Pennsylvania? Russia.

Oh, yeah.

We've seen many examples of cyber actors targeting political campaigns and

directing bots to propagate divisive messaging.

This is all part of the Russian playbook. Russia's not trying to win

They just want everybody else to lose.

Did you think that this was a single attempt by the Russians to get involved

our election?

No, it wasn't a single attempt. They're doing it as we sit here.

Wow. Russian bot farms made us think Hillary's emails proved she was guilty

something other than being too old to know how to change her email address.

So you might well ask, were they also behind Trudeau must go and not a bot?

Miguel, it's worse than that. Those hashtags were driven by... Dun -dun

Canadian bots!

Oh, destroy all humans, eh? Okay, let's hack a dart. Okay.

Easy. Hack a dart. It's genius when you think about it. The Russians can't

interfere in our election if we interfere with it first.

Now, we don't know who owned these fake accounts. They could have been humble

Canadian bot farmers just trying to bring in this year's whirring metallic

harvest.

But a right -wing media ecosystem was quick to capitalize. After originally

trending, the Trudeau Must Go hashtag was heavily promoted by an organization

called Canada Proud. For those who've only seen it pop up on their social

Canada Proud is more than just a popular far -right meme page that's currently

radicalizing your aunt.

It's owned by a former Sun News employee, Tory communications director,

staffer for Stephen Harper.

Stephen Harper, Sun News, my problematic aunt. Now that's what I call a menage a

blah.

Canada Proud describes itself as grassroots, but its actual roots are in

precursor, Ontario Proud, which a 2018 financial disclosure revealed to be 90 %

funded by real estate developers.

Corporate interests are paying a political insider to exploit baby

social media.

This is the worst John Grisham novel.

Hey, Millennials 2.

This is the worst season of RuPaul's Drag Race.

And Generation Z.

This is the worst, I don't know, TikTok video? I don't know.

The point is, the point is, it's greasy as hell.

Miguel. As a TV comedian, I agree. We cannot let bots set the agenda.

They aren't trustworthy anymore.

Not like that nice red glowing eye from 2001, A Space Odyssey.

You have to finish that movie, Emma. I'm busy.

But the big problem isn't just misinformation.

It's that when an obvious lie gets retweeted enough, even smart people

think it's true. And if it's thousands of lies all happening at once, you can

convinced that you're living in a reality that doesn't actually exist.

It's like a worse version of The Matrix.

Yeah, but at least in The Matrix, they gave us cushy office jobs and cool

sunglasses. You have to finish that movie as well, Ellen.

That's a gist of it.

But if you're still wondering, could bots and bad actors manipulate Canada's

election... They're doing it as we sit here.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

When we return, Donald Trump formally withdrew from a nuclear missile pact

Russia, which is no way to thank someone who helped you win an election.

Just that far.

U .S. Attorney General William Barr announced that after a hiatus of 16

the federal government will start executing prisoners again in December.

Just in time for Christmas.

Unsurprisingly, President Donald Trump loves the decision, and he's already

taking steps to brand the death penalty with that unmistakable Trump pizzazz. So

the next time a probably guilty felon is executed, it'll be with premium quality

Trump pentobarbital.

Food coloring makes it red, white, and blue and reduces its effectiveness.

Plus, the person pushing the plunger is guaranteed to be none other than Donald

Trump Jr.

He really needs a job.

And much like his Twitter account, Trump plans on using the death penalty to

settle scores.

So, sorry, Alec Baldwin.

Sure, 10 % of executed prisoners turn out to be innocent, and that's awful.

But you know what isn't awful?

Receiving your lethal injection at Mar -a -Lago in sunny Palm Beach, Florida.

Make my last meal a margarita!

For Canadian university students, summer jobs are about gaining valuable life

experience, including the most valuable lesson of all, learning how to work when

you're super hungover.

Students are currently developing key skills, like doing inventory while

for death.

Telling customers you don't know where that whiskey smell is coming from.

And determining which plant in the break room it's okay to throw up in.

Mastering these skills will carry students through their professional

least until they perfect the art of just getting drunk at work.

It really helps. It does.

Last week, gamers across the globe competed in the Fortnite World Cup.

For those who aren't familiar, that's like the Grey Cup, but not for losers.

But none of the finalists were women, and it's not hard to see why.

57 % of female gamers experience harassment online, from gendered insults

outright threats.

However, female gamers are fighting back.

Here to tell us more is Beaverton writer and not -being -harassed enthusiast,

Megan McKay.

Now, Megan, I am not a gamer myself, so when it comes to the Fortnite World Cup,

in the immortal words of the Crooklyn clan, where the ladies at?

Oh, we're here, Emma. It's just that for too long, we've been over -encumbered

by our fellow players dumping their mommy issues on us.

I used to have to hide my gender to avoid being harassed. By day, I was

and by night, I was Chrome.

I get why you have to do that, but that's bad.

Oh, you think that's bad? Here's who you would have been.

Oh, I look like a magician.

You really do.

Luckily for both of us, those days are over.

Gaming shouldn't be so serious. It should be what it always was, a game.

interpret that to mean mind games against the people who try to cross me.

Megan, that's the only kind of game I care about. Tell me more.

Well, the first one's easy. You assert your dominance by calling them slightly

the wrong name.

Take that, Krevin.

I like that.

I thought you would, Emo.

Next, change your IP address so you can send bullies on a wild goose chase.

I changed mine to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

So any nerd who wants to throw hands can get a hot, wet fistful of ocean diaper.

Disgusting, but effective.

Sure is. And if all else fails, I just send them my tits.

Your what?

Oh, my tits.

Termites in tremendous shipment.

I've got to hand it to you. You seem to have all of this under control and

access to a large number of termites. I do.

But what are gaming companies doing to prevent women from being harassed?

Well, I believe the industry term is dick all.

They're just letting us fend for ourselves. It's kind of like a hot home

stitch where I'm Macaulay Culkin and the wet bandits are like 20 ,000 incels.

But, but, they don't have what I have.

A life?

I don't have one of those.

A sword!

Not the solution women need. But until companies take action or until men stop

threatening me over a game that simulates butt -flossing, it's the

have. So chop -chop, boys. Let's take this offline.

Megan McKay, everyone.

Coming up later,

Canada's housing agency released a study showing that the housing market is

moderately overvalued and that the ocean is moderately wet.

That's true.

All right.

Welcome back to the show.

After 60 years of research, a form of male birth control is finally moving

through clinical trials.

And could be on shelves within years.

Now, much like my stance on human cloning or which member of BTS is the

I have a take on this that some might find controversial.

Uh -oh, here we go.

And it's the subject of tonight's Let Me Explain.

Strap in, Miguel, because you are not going to like this.

Male birth control should be mandatory.

Actually, I'm on board with that. Well, let me explain. The birth control in

question stops the movement of sperm through a needle full of gel to the

scrotum. Wait, what?

Let me explain.

Obviously, it's no fun to get a shot in the hog and hay sack.

But women have shouldered the burden of birth control for years, and now it's

your turn.

But... My hog and haystack. Relax, Miguel.

You're getting off light. Let me explain.

Female birth control has tons of side effects. Mood swings, weight gain. And

that's the best case scenario.

The pill can alter your eyesight.

The IUD can perforate your uterus.

Oh, my God. But, yes, male birth control is non -hormonal. The only side effect

you have to worry about is the briefest of pokes in your chicken and waffles.

I guess when you put it that way, I...

Getting one quick needle wouldn't be so bad. Well, in the interest of full

disclosure, I should say the old outside ovaries will be getting one quick prick

every three months.

Every three months?

Let me explain!

Everyone needs to re -up on birth control, but it's much more expensive

women. I personally have spent over $6 ,000 on contraception.

Emma, you've been pregnant for three years straight.

Yeah. So imagine how mad I am to have spent all that money.

Meanwhile, guess how much your stupid ball gel cost?

Other than to my dignity?

$10!

So, if you have to regularly infuse your scrote with a semi -permanent gel...

Semi? Wait!

That's just a solid financial investment. You'd be taking one for the

taking one in the Wizard and Hobbits.

Okay. Emma, I don't want you to think this is all about the ball's needle, but

don't know how comfortable I am with someone telling me how to manage my

reproductive health. Well, welcome to the party, pal.

Yeah. And just...

Wait until we make you get a wiener hole ultrasound.

A what?

This has been Let Me Explain.

And that's our show. Join us next week where we look at how conservatives say

elected, they'll forge closer ties with Saudi Arabia. Following the old adage,

keep your friends close and your state -sponsored terrorism closer.

See you then.

See you then.

Right, right.