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Tonight on the Beaverton, Trudeau promises rowdy town hall hecklers if

down and behave, they can watch a video.

Roll Up the Rim is back with new prizes like paid breaks and sick days for Tim's

employees.

And a man who spent 18 years getting smacked in the head says climate change

isn't real.

Welcome to the season finale of The Beaverton, the only news program that

an eight -month break.

I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm Emma Hunter, now available for

office parties, and bar mitzvahs.

The Conservative Party is attempting to distance themselves from alleged sexual

assaulter Rick Dykstra. A statement from former PM Stephen Harper says he had no

choice but to run Dykstra in the 2015 election because it wasn't as if there

were just hundreds of mediocre white guys laying around to replace him.

Said one former aide, it's not like these narrow -minded lackeys just grow

high school debate tournaments.

And we'd already had to replace the guy who got caught peeing into a mug.

Meanwhile, a number of Conservative Party members admitted they knew Dykstra

previously been under investigation, they just didn't know what for. Because

after being told the news, they asked zero follow -up questions and changed

subject as fast as possible.

The Tories are standing by their decision, noting that if they hadn't

pragmatic choice to support an alleged predator, it's possible the

might never have had a chance to lose that last election so badly.

Nevertheless, they have promised to improve going forward by dropping their

current policy on sexual harassment complaints of la -la -la, I am not

listening, la -la -la.

Of course, all of Ottawa has been rocked by accusations of misconduct leveled at

figures like Aaron Weir and Kent Hare, plus rumors about the eternal flame that

have been swirling forever.

Joining us live to discuss the fallout is our political correspondent, Aisha

Alpha. Thanks for having me.

Aisha, why is Parliament Hill facing the kind of reckoning we saw in a post

-MeToo Hollywood?

Well, as the saying goes, politics is show business for ugly people, who also

sexually harass their staff.

Is there a particular reason this is happening on the Hill now?

Me Too has emboldened women everywhere to finally confront the men who abuse

their power. But since we don't have a Hollywood studio system, most of

ambitious sociopaths are found in the federal government.

Hey, some of them end up in the RCMP.

Oh, sorry, you said ambitious.

But Ottawa and Hollywood couldn't be any less alike.

Well, sure, the after parties are less glamorous, but what Patrick Brown lacks

in James Franco's bone structure, he makes up for with James Franco's

towards women.

I see your point. If Harvey Weinstein was Canadian, he'd top out as a

fisheries minister or something.

Have any tangible measures been taken to address the rampant sexism in the House

of Commons?

Sort of.

Trudeau is taking the Kent Hare allegation seriously enough to kick him

cabinet. But not seriously enough. enough to boot him from caucus. Well, he

to make considerations on a case -by -case basis.

It's the same case.

Well, Amazon forced their studio head out for harassment, but that won't stop

them from distributing Woody Allen movies.

Also, caucus has a different set of rules since it already sounds like a

joke.

So what can the government do to prevent predatory behavior moving forward?

There have been calls for a number of high -profile female MPs to bring the

Time's Up initiative to Ottawa. But the motion got bogged down in committee and

then tabled until 2019.

So I don't know. We'll see.

Aisha Alpha, everyone.

Still without a seat in Parliament, NDP leader Jagmeet Singh has been asked to

stop putting reserve signs on chairs in the public gallery.

This isn't Singh's first warning regarding behavior.

He has been reminded on several occasions that during a session of

the public is forbidden to applaud, communicate to NDP members with

baseball signals, or use distracting noisemakers while Andrew Scheer speaks.

Jugmeet will not have a seat until the 2019 election unless someone gives one

or his Nikki Ashton disguise gets much more convincing.

The Ontario PC leadership race appears to be set. In Caroline Mulroney,

Christine Elliott, and Doug Ford, provincial Tories have a choice between

highly qualified women and the guy who beat up Marty McFly's dad in Back to the

Future.

Many pundits are confident that Doug Ford could never win in Ontario, noting

there is simply no precedent for a vulgar, trust -fund millionaire populist

a shady past defeating an experienced, though unpopular, female opponent.

For their part, Elliott and Mulroney have their own strategies for victory.

Elliott plans to run on having actually been a PC Party member before last week,

while Mulroney is hoping to be swept into power by the 80s nostalgia wave

so hot right now.

With Caroline Mulroney entering the Ontario PC leadership race and Justin

Trudeau running the country, the provincial NDP is scouring their history

anyone successful enough for their child to win an election based solely on

their name. Said one party member, sure, Andrea Horvath has strong principles

and years of leadership experience, but that kind of thing just isn't going to

fly in 2018.

I mean, I don't even know who her dad is.

So far, the NDP's best bets are Tommy Douglas' grandson, Kiefer Sutherland,

who'd likely view the job of premier as a demotion from his current role of

pretend president.

And this dog, who looks a bit like Ed Broadbent.

When we return, the pipeline dispute between B .C. and Alberta has experts

asking, is there a way to help Mother Earth without angering Father Money?

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As facial recognition technology becomes every day, civil rights groups warn

that it could be used by oppressive regimes to persecute based on race and

sexual orientation.

But does this deeply problematic technology also have a fun side?

We're joined now by our own Dave Barclay.

Hey, Emma.

And, uh, oh, let me just try some facial recognition. Hey, Miguel?

We've met many times, Dave.

Facial recognition is the trend right now. From the Amazon store to the Google

Arts app to the predator drone watching you from 30 ,000 feet right now.

Okay, and how does it get worse than that?

Introducing What Are You, the new racial recognition app that figures out what

race people are when it's none of your business.

Excuse me?

Sometimes you meet someone and you just can't help asking the question, what are

you?

But it seems to make people uncomfortable for some reason.

Because, Dave, the answer to the question is always a human being.

Thanks to the What Are You app, you can cut out the middleman just by holding

your phone in someone's face until it says some kind of Spanishman.

I don't speak Turkish.

My name is Miguel.

Yeah, well, I don't speak Farsi. It also tells you what not to say. For example,

apparently I'm not supposed to call Miguel.

Some kind of Spanishman.

Dave, this app is clearly very racist.

Uh, Silicon Valley doing something racially insensitive?

I don't know, Miguel, that doesn't sound like Mark and James and Chad to me.

Okay, well, then tell me what non -evil use there is for this. I don't know, but

there must be one, because police forces across the United States are

downloading it as we speak.

Dave Barclay, everyone.

After weeks of pressure from Devin Nunes, the House Intelligence Committee

finally released the memo that definitively proves the FBI has a

-crime bias.

Trump supporters were vindicated by the finding that the FBI has no right to

investigate the president just because he hired a bunch of suspicious people

do and say illegal things.

Given a positive response to the memo, Nunes is also releasing a heavily

redacted grocery list that proves Trump is the healthiest man in America.

Meanwhile, the Democrats seized the opportunity to release a damning

but ended up just accidentally declassifying all of their email

The Eagles are the Super Bowl champions, meaning after 52 years of frustration,

Philadelphia Eagles fans were finally able to prevail over their city's cars,

landmarks, and storefronts.

With the celebratory destruction of their beloved hometown complete, the

notoriously violent fans promptly began sacking neighboring cities, including

New York, Washington, D .C., and Baltimore.

Having seized control of most of the eastern seaboard, the drunken revelers

now marching west.

Asked what they want, one Eagles fan screamed, fly, Eagles, fly, and then

a car battery through an ambulance window.

The government has urged everyone east of the Rockies to seek shelter in

California in the hopes that the horde's steady diet of cheesesteaks will not

sustain them on the treacherous mountain crossing.

Finding space for worldwide refugee resettlement has proven to be difficult,

especially for a country with as little free space as Canada.

Luckily, the Liberal government is working to reform how we indefinitely

newly arrived migrants. For more, here's our own Donovan Stinson.

Over the last year, Canada has seen a massive influx of asylum seekers, drawn

Trudeau's misleading message.

on immigration policy.

Practice of indefinitely detaining refugees is only compounding the growing

crisis. But now, the Ministry of Immigration believes it may have a

turning the Lavelle Immigrant Detention Center into the nation's hottest escape

room. Two years ago, Trudeau committed $138 million to create a fairer

immigration detention system.

Well, over 24 months of consultation, we realized that making meaningful change

is... Tough.

But at the same time, escape rooms were becoming a hugely popular form of

entertainment for millennials.

Aren't the liberals just pandering then to make an abhorrent policy just a

little bit more palatable?

Well, they're much less likely to protest a potential human rights

we call it an escape room.

Escape implies hope.

So by saying that then, that there is hope that they'll get out.

Well, you'll have to play to find out.

Welcome, Donovan, to my room.

Christopher Jones is a migrant laborer from Jamaica who violated his work

by staying two weeks too long.

So, Christopher, how long have you been in this escape room?

I've been here 18 months. 18?

Yes, away to that decision on my immigration status.

Now I spend most of my days solving word puzzles.

Huh. To be honest, it doesn't really sound so bad.

If I refuse, then put me in solitary confinement.

Really? Maybe that's part of the game.

What is? Honestly, it's hard to tell.

What? Are you a puzzle?

No, I'm a person.

I had to see for myself if the injustice lived up to the hype.

Jackpot! You see?

I don't get it. I found something!

I found something!

There's nothing on it. There's nothing on it. God damn it, there's nothing on

it. It doesn't make any sense.

Why give us the combination lock and then all these keys?

There's so many numbers. There's so many words. I feel like I'm going crazy. I

feel like I've been in here for... I mean, how long have we been in here for?

How long have we been in here for, guys? It's only been about five minutes. It's

only been five minutes? Calm yourselves, man. It's only been, oh, God!

None of us, none of us. What?

Entity number 5 -8 -0 -0 -8.

0 -0 -8.

You ready?

Ready.

The password is Visa.

You see, I tell you, this shit is never ending.

So, just like hundreds of detained immigrants and refugees, I spent the day

searching for clues in a deck of playing cards and combing through legal

precedents, hoping to find the true key to freedom, fixing our immigration

policy. This might as well be in Latin.

It is in Latin, Chris.

It is in Latin.

If we can get every incarcerated migrant working together, solving the complex

problems of our refugee detention policy, we might be able to actually

fix our broken immigration system.

I'm not sure if this is a good idea or a bad idea anymore.

Yeah, that's the liberal government at work.

Thanks,

Jonathan. When we return, if we create a new gender -neutral national anthem,

then how will the rest of the world know that Canada is a boy?

It's hard to know.

Coming up later.

New research warns 60 % of Canadians may have a podcast.

New Saskatchewan premier Scott Moe is hailed as the perfect fit for a large,

flat rectangle.

And Elizabeth May invites anyone who accused her of bullying to meet her

the flagpole after last period and say it to her face.

The RCMP faces over 1 ,100 sexual harassment complaints from female staff.

Fortunately, the Toronto police have volunteered to investigate their

problem in exchange for the RCMP investigating their racism problem.

Said one TPS representative, it's perfect.

We'll do your sexism, you do our racism, the OPP can do thunder -based

corruption, and all four of us can look into whatever the hell's going on in

Winnipeg.

This mutual investigation pilot program has since grown to include every

precinct in the country. The result?

All of Canada's police officers have been suspended with pay, but crime is

3 ,000%.

KFC has unveiled their newest Colonel Sanders, singer Reba McEntire, capturing

the much -thought -after demographic of people who love fried chicken, country

music, and exploding traditional gender binaries.

The gender -blind casting has already had a ripple effect, with Wendy's fans

starting an online petition to cast Harry Potter star Rupert Grint as the

titular burger mistress.

Whether a cynical marketing scheme or just a regular marketing scheme, KFC's

decision is being hailed as a welcome first step, one that could even result

the first transgender Denny of our lifetime.

Later this year, a state visit to the UK will see Donald Trump meet the Queen in

what many are calling Trump's most anticipated international scandal yet.

According to observers, it's not if but how disaster will strike. Will Trump try

to kiss the Queen?

Will his signature yank handshake topple Her Majesty to the floor?

Will he simply sit on a corgi? There are just too many variables for Secret

Service to control.

It looked like the incident would be avoided when Trump reportedly wanted a

guarantee there would be no protests during his visit. He also demanded clear

blue skies, that football be called soccer, and to meet both Harry Potter

for some reason, Zorro.

When we return, a shaky stock market is making shareholders wonder if these

apocalyptic end times are a safe investment climate.

Welcome back.

The Winter Olympics start on Friday. As everyone knows, the Games are a crucial

reminder of the power of sport and how many Scandinavian countries there are.

Joining us to preview what we can expect from the Olympics is analyst Pat Smith,

reporting live from Pyeongchang. Welcome, Pat.

Hey, guys. Good to be here. Small correction, though. Turns out I made a

error, and instead of Pyeongchang, South Korea, I wound up in Pyongyang, North

Korea. You're in North Korea?

Isn't that incredibly dangerous?

Oh, yeah. I've been here for like two hours already, and I've seen some things

that I will never be able to forget.

But anyway, enough about me. Let's talk sports.

Uh, Pat, it really seems like there are bigger concerns here. Are you sure you

want to do this?

Definitely. I love the Olympics. Plus, I need video evidence of my location

should I be taken.

Okay. Uh, how do Canada's chances stack up this year?

Well, the only sport we really care about is hockey.

On the men's side, the lack of NHLers begs the question, can our unsigned free

agents and retired pros inspire the next generation of players who are not also

good enough to make the NHL?

But the women's team does have all of its best players, right? It does,

they are facing a threat from a new contender, the United North and South

teams. Independently, these countries were ranked 23rd and 24th, respectively.

But now that they've united, they've shot up to 35th. Wow.

Sounds like Canada needs to watch its back.

No, but seriously, they should. North Korea's left -wing sniper is a literal

sniper.

Incidentally, if it comes down to it, hiding inside one of the North Korean

players' hockey bags is how I plan to escape.

Where is Kim Jong -un in all of this? Previously, he has varied from

the games to threatening to blow them up.

Well, state media is reporting not only does the most virile leader approve of

the games, but he's currently the gold medal favorite in every sport.

Also, for safety reasons, I should add, he can dance better than Michael

Jackson. Hey, Pat, let's talk curling. How much for those rock plays? You know,

I'm going to have to cut you off there, Miguel. There's a soldier walking over,

and he does not look happy. Tell Luke I love him. Are you okay, Pat?

Look, he's waving.

Wow. Pat Smith, everyone.

He's dead, right? Oh, for sure, yeah.

Now to one of the biggest stories of the year, and one that is close to my

heart. For the last few years, journalism has been under attack from

technology, and journalists on journalist crime.

Our industry is in a crisis.

Real news is being called fake news. Made -up conspiracies are reported as

and Miguel's life was put in danger when his home address was broadcast four

separate times. That was only three times.

Hey!

Which brings us to tonight's Point Counterpoint. Are we part of the

Miguel, what do you think? Absolutely not. We are providing insight and

for the stories that matter most to Canadians.

Please, at best, we do an okay job at pronouncing international names and

places. At worst, we spread lies and rumors from here to Beijing.

What lies are we spreading?

Lies of omission. Why are we talking about how the earth is flat?

Or about Melania's army of body doubles? And come to think of it, some of the

stories we report on are a little far -fetched. Legal pot, a Mexican wall,

Meghan Markle leaving suits to marry a prince.

Those are all real. As real as the tears I cried when Harry proposed.

It was special.

And the stuff that's actually happening is just as insane as the crap people

make up. It's like I should just forget everything I learned at fake journalism

school. There are fake journalism schools?

No, I just made it up. Well, then you must have done really well.

You know, I did okay.

It was sort of like a...

party fake journalism school.

What?

Okay, Emma, look, we both know fake news is just pablum for people who want to

confirm their pre -existing bias, but it's not our fault people intentionally

trap themselves inside of their own echo chambers.

I guess all we can do is try our best to present an objective reality on how

Pizzagate was an inside job.

Sure. And like any responsible news program, we take events and present them

a way that reflects our values. And the values of strangers on the Internet who

agree with us.

Them too.

Who echo our sentiment in a sort of chamber.

Oh, my God.

You're right. We are part of the problem.

Well, that's our show. And that's our season. Thank you so much for watching.

We may not be back for a while, but if you need the news read to you, please,

don't be afraid to knock on our door.

Hey!

Well, I'm not listening to them. I'm very busy. I have a lot of male friends,

you know what I mean. Yeah.

M -A -I -L -E.

And one of them delivers my M -A -I -L.

That's a point.

I think it's a male, male, male.

Yeah. He is male. Yeah. He also has letters. I'm not listening to that

Yeah. But I do feel like.

And I feel like you should chill out.

Click, uh, grow, grow, grow, and start a shop.

Start a shop.