Original subtitles

Tonight on the Beaverton, Hawaiians receive a terrifying emergency message

informing them that they must continue being alive in 2018.

Media debate rages over whether we should consider Aziz Ansari a monster or

a regular scumbag.

And after an oil tanker sinks in the China Sea, conservatives hold a moment

silence for the tragic loss of fossil fuels.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the only news show currently being investigated for

doping. I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm reigning home run champ, Emma

Hunter.

We begin in Washington, where extending controversial laws to spy on American

citizens would be dominating the headlines, had Trump not called African

shitholes and then did donuts on the White House lawn in a dump truck full of

tacos.

Trump's bizarre behavior continues to overshadow his contentious policies.

A plan to expand offshore drilling was barely covered after the president set a

toilet on fire and nominated it to the judiciary.

Thousands of Salvadorans being deported from the U .S. would have been the story

we led this show with. Had the commander -in -chief not yelled fake news at a

bird for 90 minutes before holding an executive meeting in an Arby's to

who owns the ocean?

Some critics blame the media for being distracted by the flaming hate circus

that is this current administration.

But according to one journalist, I want to keep important stories alive. But

then he throws paper towels at hurricane victims and looks at the eclipse. What

do you want from me?

In a story that hasn't been proven but just feels true in our bones, rumors are

flying that President Trump paid hush money to an adult film star, Stormy

Daniels, in 2016.

Washington observers are hailing the move, noting that having an affair then

hiding it from the public is actually the most presidential thing Trump has

done.

On the eve of the one -year anniversary of his inauguration, Trump's naysayers

are once and for all convinced this is the day Trump finally became president.

The scandal is further notable in that the hush money officially makes

Trump the last person in America still paying for porn.

After multiple locations cut employee benefits, Tim Horton's corporate office

says they are unable to intervene because they don't control the

Other than what food they serve, what napkins they use, what colors their

tiles are, how big the bathrooms are, and how many sprinkles they put on each

donut.

Set a representative for Tim Horton.

Our hands are tied.

Franchisees have total discretion in this area. But God help them if they

make their breakfast sandwiches taste both burnt and cold at the same time.

The representative added that concerned customers should try tipping employees.

So just by leaving the change from our double -double, we can all help a

deprived Tim Hortons worker visit the eye doctor or print off their resumes to

apply for a job at Starbucks.

Alberta is set to partially decriminalize drunk driving in 2018.

Under Bill 29, police would be given wide discretion over who can be

charged. Here to discuss is off -duty Constable Doug Crane.

Thanks for having me.

Constable, why is the Albertan government so dead set on giving the

reign to control drunk driving offenses?

Because of our long history of displaying compassion, empathy, and

without bias.

Isn't it more about the government being fed up with DUI trials clogging up the

system?

Yeah, man.

Probably a little bit.

In fairness, who wants to hear about Dwayne blowing .02 over the limit when

could be judging a hot juicy murder trial?

Yeah, Dwayne's a big guy.

You know, everyone handles their liquor differently.

So if Bill 29 becomes law, people can get away with drinking and driving as

as they don't kill someone?

No one's saying that. I can still criminally charge them or suspend their

license.

Unless they're my bud.

Or a Bud's Bud.

Or an Oilers fan.

Or an Oil Sand fan.

Or my cousin Bruce. Now this guy, he can put away about 15 beers and he's fine.

It's hard to drive the self home.

That is actually the definition of being biased.

Listen.

There are two kinds of drunk drivers.

Dangerous ones, and you're probably fine ones.

Right, and you determine this based on, what, slurred speech and lack of

coordination?

I can just tell.

It's cops intuition.

It's like a database in my brain that stores people I know and trust.

That's not intuition. That's just how you recognize your friends.

Hey, my friends are good guys, all right?

Constable, how many beers have you had?

Seven?

Teen?

You're not driving yourself home after this, are you?

No, no, no, but I probably could.

I know what they say.

Whiskey before beer.

Highway clear.

Beer before whiskey.

Highway whiskey.

Yeah, she gets that.

I do say that. Okay, Doug, thank you for your time. Please let someone else

drive you home.

Hey, don't worry. I honestly don't know where my car is right now.

While touring the country, Prime Minister Trudeau has been praised for

refusing to prescreen the town hall questions he constantly sidesteps.

Unlike previous Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who tightly controlled the

narrative surrounding his government, Trudeau takes a looser, more personable

approach to tightly controlling the narrative surrounding his government.

The PMO has even been planting people in the crowd at each event to lob him

softball heckles that he can turn into viral soundbites.

Said Trudeau, connecting to ordinary, hard -working Canadians is why I became

Prime Minister.

Now, does that answer your question about NAFTA negotiations?

Nature. It's what happens when humans haven't had a chance to fix God's

But what happens when governments try to protect it? Our own Aisha Alpha has

more.

With Canada taking a global leadership role in the fight against climate

Justin Trudeau is proposing a new initiative to reduce Canada's emissions.

forcing the RCMP to find greener ways to beat pipeline protesters.

The international community has long criticized Canada's police force as

outdated, violent, and climate unfriendly. So to prove that the RCMP

cleaner world, top brass are looking beyond non -biodegradable plastic

to reduce their carbon boot print.

The Mounties have pledged to derive all their tear gas from locally sourced

chili peppers. They will also stop using bottled water for their riot hoses by

2020. And they're making the long -awaited switch to tasers charged via

franks. Trudeau says that if these changes are implemented quickly, the

ecological impact will be enough to offset the damage caused by the two

pipelines he's already approved.

For the Beaverton, I'm Aisha Alka.

Thanks, Aisha.

After the break, Health Canada has issued a warning reminding Canadians not

eat those delicious, delicious laundry pods.

I eat them.

I eat them constantly.

I like them. In the

21st century economy, businesses have a wide range of staffing options.

But only Rainbow Temp Agency gives you access to the diverse employees you

refuse to hire full -time.

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while you recruit a new client from Mexico?

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Or how about a young black man for your university brochure so you can pretend

your freshman class isn't as white as your limestone buildings?

Under fire for committing an atrocity in the third world? Our deluxe package

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We have so many diverse candidates available, including black, brown with

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Zero benefits.

Zero guilt.

Coming up later.

The Olympic men's hockey team was announced, and Canadian kids are already

dreaming of becoming the next what's -his -name.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio is running for the U .S. Senate on a platform of Somebody

Please Kick Me in the Dick.

And we'll meet the social justice organization offering microfinance loans

the poor, the mafia.

It's untreated, unfiltered, expensive, and all the rage.

Here to discuss is our own tech expert, Dave Barkley.

Hey, guys.

As you know, Palo Alto insiders are always looking for a creative edge. And

raw water, it looks like they've found one, thanks to an innovative spirit and

never -say -why attitude.

How does drinking water that might contain harmful contaminants give you a

creative edge? The anecdotal benefits of drinking raw water are theoretically

endless.

Provided that you don't get typhoid. Oh, not so fast.

Fevered hallucinations can really unlock outside -the -box thinking.

Where do you think apps like Quimquap and Skadong came from?

Yeah, Miguel, Typhoid Dreams are basically the new Adderall.

I guess I just can't believe that in 2018 we're having a serious conversation

about buying and drinking untreated water.

And you're really going to hate this. Because there's a new product coming

the pipe that goes beyond raw water.

Heirloom water.

So what's the difference? Unlike raw water, which is spring -fed, heirloom

has been sitting stagnant for at least three decades.

Like from a swamp? Yeah, swamp, puddle, bog, whatever.

And with a low retail price of $80 an ounce, you can't afford not to sip the

viscosity.

I think I'd rather not.

More of a huffer?

Then you should try primordial air.

Wow, I don't even want to ask. Glad you did.

Primordial air is a mix of volcanic gases present in the atmosphere billions

years ago.

Argon, ammonia, and methane all in a thick stew of carbon dioxide.

Sounds invigorating, but is it safe?

It's no worse than the toilet air we breathe every day with its pollution and

birth control pills.

But aren't trends like these just a sign that certain people have so much money

they no longer know how to spend it in a way that doesn't seem insane?

Trust me, after a few puffs of primordial air, the word insane will no

have any meaning.

Well, you certainly don't need a lung full of toxins to see the wisdom in

Thanks, Dave. Thanks, guys.

A recent report suggests there's a massive gender gap in who's buying

with men making up over 97 % of its investors.

In a move to address this imbalance, a new cryptocurrency has been established,

Lady Bitcoin.

In keeping with other products targeted at a female demographic, Lady Bitcoin

will cost twice as much as regular Bitcoin, though it will only be worth

Billing itself as a sleek, sexy new investment opportunity that's equal

mother, lover, and modern gal on the go, Lady Bitcoin hopes to capture the

imagination of the fairer sex with its slogan, confusing enough for a man, but

made for a woman.

Some restaurants focus on giving you a great meal. Others cover up the fact

their food is terrible by hoping their server's uniforms give you a boner.

For more on the latter, here's Laura Silovitz.

Upscale chain restaurants are famous for being great places to do cocaine with

your boss.

But some people say they've also got a sleazy side.

While the employee guide merely encourages staff to dress stylishly, the

staff of these so -called restaurants claim they're forced to wear

uniforms.

Posing as the subject of a documentary on the restaurant industry, I decided to

investigate the truth of these allegations by going undercover.

As a manager, specifically of Floodies, a Toronto gastropub that's recently come

under fire for the supposed discrepancies between its male and

My goal was to answer one question. Why did restaurants enforce these dress

codes? I found the answer immediately.

They make a metric fuck -ton of money.

But apparently, that's not enough for slutty's coterie of whiny divas. The

code is basically an invitation to be objectified.

Yesterday, a customer was paying my debit, and when I asked him to swipe his

card, he put it in my cleavage. How much did he tip?

That's not relevant. It shouldn't have happened. I'm a human being.

A human being with bills to pay.

I'm trying to think that you don't want to work here. Okay, see, that is exactly

the kind of pressure I'm talking about. I shouldn't have to worry about losing

my job if I refuse to degrade myself. The only thing that should factor into

what I wear is how it affects my ability to do my job.

Okay.

Then you tell me, what would you want to wear?

Pants?

We tried it Julia's way, and though I was worried she would look like a DJ

Tanner, to my pleasant surprise, she looked more like a Stephanie, and it

profound impact on the business.

Just three weeks later, the restaurant went under.

Without the distraction of scantily clad women, restaurant goers were able to

focus on how truly terrible the menu was.

Fortunately, there's still one consumer demographic that has no problem paying

top dollar for an edible food. A pivot into the family restaurant business

helped turn things around for Uncle Slutty's. We even got to keep the

For the Beaverton, I'm Laura Silovitz.

Thanks, Laura. When we return, Kelsey Manning is running for the U .S. Senate,

which would make her one of the few senators who doesn't belong in prison.

None of them would go there.

That's true.

Coming up later, Ecuador extends citizenship to Julian Assange in hopes

harboring a Russian stooge will make Trump like them more.

The nation's contract killers demand the same labor protections as full -time

assassins.

And an ethics investigation against Lynn Bayak has discovered her worst crime, a

perm.

In the wake of the $100 million anonymous donation they received last

Toronto's CAMH has announced they plan to use over half the funds to track down

and unmask the anonymous donor.

The Centre for Addictions and Mental Health has vowed to leave no stone

and has already retained the services of a private detective, a pack of

bloodhounds, and a team of handwriting analysts for the giant novelty check.

CAMH's board released the following statement.

Whoever you are, know that we will find you to say thanks.

There is no shadow you can lurk in where the light of our gratitude will not

expose you. So enjoy your anonymity while you can, for we are coming with

Ontario's government was quick to weigh in, saying the centre can spend the

money however it deems fit, adding the important thing is that rich people keep

giving money to mental health so the government doesn't have to.

Plus, the program that expands drug coverage for those 24 and under, is

concerns it will encourage youth to develop a crippling dependency on life

-saving medication.

Opposition leader Patrick Brown warned that. The first hit of insulin is free,

and then you're hooked.

Next thing, you're 26 years old and hawking your TV just to keep the being

buzz going.

The new policy has forced many of the province's over -agers to ask their cool

younger brothers to score them some medicine.

But it's also leading to a crackdown of teenagers hanging out in shoppers' drug

mart parking lots, selling immunosuppressants and fake IDs to

Canada's health care system has been a point of pride for the country ever

we found out we could use it to make Americans angry.

But while most Canadians assume Medicare will cover all important ailments,

there are notable gaps in coverage.

Here to discuss one glaring omission is friend of the Beaverton, Courtney

Gilmore. Welcome, Courtney.

Thank you.

Glad to be here. Now, as I'm sure you can probably tell by the sound of my

voice, I don't have any hands. Oh, I wasn't going to say that. Or a right

Yeah, your voice really gives it away.

Like thousands of Canadians, I use prosthetic limbs.

I actually don't use anything for my hands because I can pretty much do

everything. That is, until I put moisturizer on my arms and have to spend

minutes trying to open the front door.

But I do use a prosthetic leg. I've heard that prosthetic legs can be very

expensive. Are we talking Fendi purse expensive or like hunting an endangered

animal expensive?

More like hunting a human expensive.

Even the most basic prosthetic leg can cost up to $20 ,000.

Yeah, but doesn't the provincial government just pay for the fee?

Fun fact about that, no. If you don't qualify for private insurance benefits

the war amps, you're pretty much on your own. Maybe the provinces think

prosthetics aren't as vital as items that they do cover, like vasectomies or

removing a bunion.

Maybe. And here in Ontario, we actually do have the assistive devices program,

but they only cover a small percentage of the overall cost.

So that's why I'm actually raising money to buy myself the $100 ,000 Genium X3.

It's basically the Maserati of legs.

$100 ,000?

Does it have Wi -Fi or make lattes? Nope, that's just how much it costs for

people without legs to do wild, daredevil activities like riding a bike

walking on uneven ground.

So, sorry, does it make lattes?

No, it does not. Oh, well then that sounds less like a Maserati and more

like a regular leg.

Yeah, you guys are basically walking around on a couple of Maseratis. Oh.

But the reduction in treatment cost makes it more than worth the high price.

Plus, and I really can't overstate this, it looks sexy as fuck.

Courtney Gilmore, everyone.

And while we wait for the government to fund prosthetic limbs, if you want to

help Courtney buy her dream leg, donate to her GoFundMe right here. We'll be

right back.

GoFundMe.

It's been two weeks since Ontario's minimum wage increased to $14 an hour,

just like conservatives predicted, the province's economy has completely

collapsed.

Proving economists at your uncle's house right yet again.

The hike has resulted in every single small business closing, the cost of

consumer goods skyrocketing, and society devolving into 15th century feudalism.

Now the only question will be whether the lord of our land, the Rogers

Corporation, will allow us first to till our fields in peace or require us to

make war on their dreaded enemy, the House of Bell.

Late last year, Justin Trudeau vowed to recommit Canada to its peacekeeping

route by offering a comprehensive package of military transport vehicles,

and ground troops to the United Nations.

The move evoked nostalgia for our diplomatic heyday, which is why in

Beefeats segment, we're taking a look back at Canada's most fuckable

peacekeepers.

Oh, this is going to be problematic for several reasons. You said it. At number

three, the Blue Berets. These UN officers kept the peace in the streets

committing crimes against humanity in the sheets. Oh, my God. Also, that's

factually incorrect.

While there have been controversies over many peacekeeping missions, for the

most part, these people are heroes who prevent millions more from suffering.

Yeah, I know that, Miguel. But that doesn't change the fact that their knack

the sack is so deadly, they should be prosecuted in the Hague.

Okay. Do I really have to go along with this? Either you say it or I do. Okay,

fine. Number two, Major General Louis McKenzie.

I mean, his role in the Balkans peace process was complicated, but he's an

undoubtedly important historical figure who deserves respectful reverence. Yeah.

All I know is I can't look at him without you go salivating.

Fetishizing Canada's peacekeeping past is...

So painfully inappropriate, I don't know where to start.

Too bad, because we're already at number one. Lester B. Pearson, the Nobel Peace

Prize winner, ushered in the swingin' 60s by putting the emphasis on

multilateralism, if you catch my drift.

That's the father of modern peacekeeping you're talking about, Emma.

He's probably the father of a lot of kids, Miguel.

After keeping Canada out of Vietnam, he could pull as much trim as he wanted.

Emma, why do we keep doing these Beefeet segments? The Internet clearly hates

them. Not the Internet I use.

Well, that's our show. Join us next week for our takedown of John A. MacDonald

with musical guest The Arkells.