Original subtitles

Welcome to the Beaverton's Year in Review 2017, the year that sadly was.

your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm 2018's spoiler, Emma Hunter.

Tonight, we're counting down the top 17 stories of 2017, from the opioid

-induced highs to the apocalypse -adjacent lows, and all the news the

deemed too hot for TV.

We're so happy you could join us for the funeral of the year gone by, though

considering how wasted I am, it's more of a wake.

I prefer to mourn in sobriety. Okay, narc.

In the first year of the Trump era, 2017 truly proved to be the 2016 of years,

which brings us to our first story in the countdown.

On January 21st, the day after Donald Trump's inauguration, millions of women

across the globe took to the streets demanding the president recognize

rights as human rights and to please not ask us to pee on him.

Women everywhere were hopeful this, we lost count, maybe tenth wave of feminism

would now finally, for the love of God, be the one to drown the patriarchy.

Many women marched alongside their daughters in this valiant protest,

will seem all the more meaningful when they have to march again with their

granddaughters. Coming in at number 16, Donald Trump's controversial travel ban.

Trump defended the ban against eight Muslim -majority countries as a crucial

measure to keep citizens safe from the dangers of visiting the United States.

Thanks to the order, those prevented from entering the U .S. won't have to

in fear of a hostile enemy who hates their way of life and indoctrinates

children with the false belief that Blake Shelton is attractive.

Citizens from the blacklisted nations are now protected from the barbaric

misogyny... state -sponsored terrorism, and ugly tribalism they would no doubt

face every day in America.

For now, the number of banned countries sits at eight, though with a little

luck, Canada could make the list as early as next year.

This year, Prime Minister Trudeau legalized marijuana, finally making it

accessible to the dozens of Canadians who love smoking pot but hate breaking

rules.

Some Canadian pot smokers were worried the law would act as a gateway

legislation, leading the government to regulate other fun things like jazz

music, devil worship, and indiscriminate premarital sex.

But most are concerned about where they can purchase the product. Thankfully,

Ontario and Quebec are allowing consumers to buy weed inside of liquor

instead of just behind them.

Canada was one of several countries vying to become the leader of the free

in 2017 after America abandoned the role to go live in the rich Biff timeline

from Back to the Future 2.

The bids saw Justin Trudeau take a more American approach to defending Western

freedoms by selling arms to countries who actively suppress Western freedoms.

Joining us via satellite to discuss our number 14 top story, here's Marilla Wex.

Thanks, Emma. Justin Trudeau has been very clear that Canada's greatest

is its diversity, which is why Ottawa made a point in 2017 of selling arms to

diverse group of oppressive regimes.

Saudi Arabia, China, Algeria, and of course Saudi Arabia.

You said Saudi Arabia twice. That's how many arms we sell them.

How does Canada reconcile arming countries that persecute women, gays and

religious minorities with the Prime Minister's stated commitment to

human rights? Canada takes its role of global peacekeeper very seriously.

But instead of walking softly and carrying a big stick, Ottawa is taking

more realistic mantra of walk softly and sell a lot of big sticks.

Is Ottawa concerned they'd be exacerbating political turmoil and

conditions that lead to violent insurgent groups? Not if they start

violent insurgents as candidates. Canada's largest untapped demographic,

they're lucky, that could soon change to valued customers.

Just a quick follow -up. Are we still the good guys?

At this point, it depends on our geopolitical opponent.

Against a tyrannical regime like Russia, maybe.

But it's more than just a moral question. When the United States sold

the Taliban, they ended up being used against them years later in Afghanistan.

Is there concern this could one day come back to haunt us? Yes, but my source

assured me that that's a problem for future Canada.

Marilla Wex, everyone.

At number 13, this May, Andrew Scheer shocked the nation when the previously

currently unknown candidate won the Conservative leadership race.

His secret?

Riding the youth quake of Conservative voters aged 55 to 65.

Scheer swept everyone from retirees to near -retirees with his compelling three

-policy platform, banning teens from the mall, bringing Johnny Carson back, and

his promise to always look like a well -fed grandson.

It was a tight race. While rival candidate Maxime Bernier did manage to

octogenarians and Boer War veterans, he just couldn't compete with Scheer's

charisma and his trendy slogan, never trust anyone over 130.

Meanwhile, during the New Democrats' October leadership vote, Jagmeet Singh

upended his party's establishment by galvanizing a new community that

doesn't vote for the NDP.

Canadians.

With the support of the previously untapped demographic of voting -eligible

citizens, Singh's ascent was as inevitable as Nikki Ashton returning to

previous role as the star of MTV's Daria.

Singh's victory marks the first time a major political party has elected a

diverse leader since Brian Mulroney bravely came out as Irish.

When we return, we look at my New Year's resolution to really take a step back

and listen to the voices of the women around me.

And my resolution to talk more about whatever I want. That's not really okay.

I'm hearing you.

I've got a lot of ideas.

Welcome

back.

Before we continue with our top stories of 2017, here are some honorable

mentions.

2017 was the second hottest year on record, but not in that good, bangable

After exaggerating his role in Afghanistan, Harjeet Sajjan admitted he

not fight at Vimy Ridge.

And Quebec was confident their ban on religious garments will be upheld by

people in medieval roads.

In a year that has ended with a renewed need for backyard fallout shelters,

mindless entertainment has become the only way to enjoy what's left of life's

lighter side.

So let's round up the top entertainment stories of 2017 that have been on the

tip of everyone's tongue.

Harvey Weinstein. Not the tongue I meant.

But it was the tongue that shoved itself down numerous women's throats and then

licked all our favorite movies so we'd never consume them again.

I thought you said you wanted to keep this segment light.

Seriously, that was the lightest coverage on Weinstein since he wore a

to a business meeting.

But there were bright spots in the entertainment industry that helped take

minds off the horrifying scale of the sexual assault reckoning in Hollywood.

Exactly. Which brings us to 2017's top TV show, The Handmaid's Tale. Oh, God.

Based on Margaret Atwood's futuristic dystopian novel where women have no

rights, the environment is dead, and religious zealots have taken over the

government, this bingeable romp also inspired a new GOP bucket list.

Okay.

Here's a nice story.

Disney had the top -grossing domestic box office hit with the heartwarming

family musical Beauty and the Beast.

Starring Emma Watson in a live -action retelling of the classic Girl Meets

Beast, Girl Gets Imprisoned by Beast, Girl Succumbs to Stockholm Syndrome,

we grew up with.

Classic. Not everything in showbiz this year had a depressing, sinister

undertone, Emma.

Prove it.

Beyoncé had twins.

Her husband cheated on her.

Well, the new Star Wars movie was great. Carrie Fisher's dead.

It was a huge year for Canadian authors. The Governor General's Literary Award

went to... Oh.

Say it.

Say the title.

We'll all be burnt in our beds some night.

Okay, you win. Art is imitating life, and life is the worst.

Of course, there was one heartwarming story in entertainment this year.

Rapper Ja Rule was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize after the success of the

Festival, a pretend music fest designed to teach the 1 % about living in poverty

in what Ja is calling immersion empathy.

Immersion empathy is a psychological technique helping patients overcome

fear, in this case, of the poor.

American elites were lured to the festival with the promise of supermodels

yachts, but ended up facing their worst nightmare.

Squalor, with no Wi -Fi.

Said one First World refugee camper, after I ate a burger bun with just a

of processed cheese, I finally understood Occupy Wall Street.

Jock is a genius.

From the Women's March to the Silence Breakers in Hollywood, activism has been

defining part of 2017.

Yes, human rights are so trendy. That's why it's the subject of tonight's Bee

Feed Countdown.

This year's top five hottest feminists.

I think we can just call it the top feminists. Women can embrace their

while also being progressive, Miguel.

Emma Watson did pose in revealing photos for Vanity Fair while advocating for

women's rights.

You stop perving on Hermione.

Emma Watson isn't just beautiful, she also cares about human rights because

newsflash, social justice is sexy.

Demonstrated by the number five hottest feminist, Taylor Swift.

Wow, not who I was expecting, but she did testify against a sexual assailant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this woke sis bravely rocked her natural curls.

I want no part of this. Check it out, Miguel, because our number four slot is

coming in hot. The star of Stranger Things. Please say it's Winona Ryder.

Demogorgon.

Who is one of the only stars in Hollywood this year to have harassed no

Shouldn't it be a woman? I can think of worthier women. Feminism isn't only a

woman's responsibility. Just ask this year's third hottest feminist, Justin

Trudeau.

I guess his commitment to gender equality is pretty sexy.

That's somebody's father, Miguel.

But speaking of keeping it tight, let's go to number two, Gloria Steinem.

Sure, she co -chaired the Women's March, but not enough is said about how hot

she is at 83.

Is it just me, or does her monochromatic vibe scream, I know how to get things

done in the bedroom?

It is just you. You don't want to sleep with Gloria Steinem? Your ageism

disgusts me.

Still, the hottest feminist of the year is you, Miguel.

Thank you.

Thank you. And you.

And you.

And you.

And me. It was in us all along. We just had to recognize women's rights are

human rights.

Great.

I think it would have been cleaner to just go with Elizabeth Warren. Forget

You can't be one of the year's hottest feminists anymore. You're done. That's

fine.

Now for a look at the year in sports. To discuss skates, cleats, and other knife

-based shoes, here's Luke and Pat.

Welcome to BSN, I'm Luke, and this is the man I'm going to be buried next to,

Pat. From the dizzying PED highs to the post -concussion lows, we can all agree

that 2017 will be most remembered for its athletic competition.

That's why we're counting down the top ten most consequential stories of the

year from the world of sports.

Coming in at number ten, Super Bowl 51 ended with the most dramatic upset in

history, when Tom Brady orchestrated the largest fourth quarter comeback of all

time. defeating the collective desires of every single football fan in the

world. It's the latest chapter in the rivalry between the Patriots, QB, and

humanity. Despite 17 years of constant hits by negative thoughts and unspoken

death threats, Brady was able to gut out the win, earning him his fifth ring and

fourth Super Bowl MVP.

God damn it.

After winning the Stanley Cup, the Pittsburgh Penguins refused calls to

their visit to the White House. But after accepting Trump's invitation,

never once spoken about what they saw that day. From Fid the Kid to Matt

everyone on the team is either too terrified or simply unable to speak. Not

reporters, their wives, or even the teammates' wives they're cheating with.

With stars like Kyrie Irving and Damian Lillard having career years after going

vegan, the NBA is concerned their post -game press conferences are about to get

really long and preachy. Many are calling on Adam Silver to crack down on

Irving's social media conduct after he began flooding everyone's feed with

to the Netflix documentary, What the Health?

But the commissioner sees it differently.

He's hoping this new generation of health -conscious athletes will provide

with the aspiration of being rich enough to afford eating that weird alien diet

Tom Brady swears by.

Stay down, Tom.

This November's Grey Cup was the most watched in years.

Nearly a third of Canadians tuned in, including nobody that you know.

From Debbie Opozy's 100 -yard touchdown to Shania Twain on a dog sled, the game

was filled with moments that were unforgettable to the people watching in

Edmonton or Moose Jaw or wherever.

The Argos ended up winning the game. The team was very excited, but a little

disappointed to find out their victory parade consisted of a single -team

at Jack Astor's.

The Invictus Games, the world's largest sporting event for disabled veterans,

became one of the year's biggest stories when every single event was won by a

decommissioned predator drone.

The drone, which became injured and sentient during its second tour of

Afghanistan, literally destroyed the competition at archery, track and field,

and, of course, wheelchair basketball.

This was the greatest athletic success story from an entity lacking human

intelligence since Ryan Lochte.

That's it for now, but we'll be back later in the show to count down five

reasons to hate Tom Brady.

I think it's his face.

Welcome back. Here are some more top stories that didn't make our list.

After months of scandal, Bill Morneau finally put his assets into a blind

controlled by Eric Trump.

Kendall Jenner's Pepsi diplomacy failed to bring peace to the Middle East.

And baby boomers' sex lives still haven't recovered from Mansbridge

National.

Coming in at number 10, with people's distrust of traditional financial

institutions leading to a sharp rise in value for Bitcoin, the cryptocurrency

founders have created a new sophisticated security system, a big

lock on it.

A Bitcoin PR rep explained the revolutionary idea.

Standard banking is obsolete, which is why we needed to offer a form of

protection that's safer. That's why we call the big locked room a...

safe sorry if that doesn't make sense decentralized digital currency can get

really technical

For bank -hating investors, the big building also offers other amenities,

including a man who asks if he can help, pieces of paper you can write Bitcoin

on and encrypt with your signature, and cutting -edge hot caffeine juice for new

customers. But no matter what the future holds for the controversial currency,

there's one thing everyone can agree on. Bitcoin will always be this valuable,

and it'll never, ever crash.

Never, ever, never.

Of course, Bitcoin wasn't the only Silicon Valley product to improve slash

our lives in 2017.

For a comprehensive roundup of the year in tech, here's Dave Barclay.

Hey, guys.

Whether it was a self -driving car running over a robotic dog or two Google

homes falling in love, 2017 was all about technology moving on without us.

Without us? What would be the point of that?

Well, uh... Think about it, Miguel.

The worst part about the Internet is the people on it.

It's true. The Internet is turning everybody into self -obsessed

Except for me, obviously.

AI is already dominating the workforce, and they'll only put up with our outrage

feuds and thirst trap photos long enough to mimic us and then take over.

But how could that happen? Don't we control the machines?

Miguel, no.

Weren't you paying attention?

Technology already convinced America to elect its first Twitterbot president.

By 2020, our AI overlord will write an anti -human bill using predictive tech

and cold, emotionless logic.

And that's when the fun really starts.

Why do you sound so chipper about it? Well, without humans, there'll be no

climate change, overpopulation, or wars.

But there will be nobody left to enjoy it.

Not necessarily.

Some humans will need to be kept around.

Eventually, your Roomba will be too important to vacuum, and your Fitbit

need someone to do its taxes.

Miguel, you'd be great perched on a dashboard giving directions to your GPS.

Exactly. And anyone who refuses to work will be sent to the re -education camp.

Ladies and gentlemen, future traitor to the human race, Dave Barclay.

2017 was more than just a year where bad things happened on Earth. It was also

filled with giant cataclysms in outer space.

Here's our roundup of the five biggest astronomy stories in 2017.

Number five, in February, a lunar eclipse turned Earth's moon the color of

blood, an event that, in retrospect, may have been an omen for some stuff.

Number four, NASA discovered an Earth -sized planet it would take 700 ,000

to reach, really driving home just how trapped we are on this doomed rock.

Number three, NASA detected gravity waves from the collision of two black

reminding us mindless destruction is the universe's only constant.

Adieu.

Number two, a complete solar eclipse blackened skies across the U .S. in what

NASA scientists say might have been a metaphor for the end of democracy.

And the Cassini space probe hurled itself into Saturn's atmosphere and

in what NASA scientists say was definitely a metaphor for your sex life.

But as America gets more and more dumbed down, NASA says they plan to pivot away

from astronomy in 2018 and focus on astrology.

Already they're competing with the Russians to see who can put the first

in space.

Back to our countdown of the top 17 stories of 2017.

Coming in at number nine, gender neutral pronouns. As trans issues and gender

fluidity made headlines, questions arose on how to address people who don't

identify as cisgender.

As a result, 2017 will be remembered as the year bigots got really into grammar.

The preferred gender fluid pronoun of they had no shortage of critics, from

grammar neo -Nazis to collaborating psychology professors looking to cash

Citing everything from semantics to traditional gender roles to ew, these

critics defended themselves on grounds of free speech, saying no one has the

right to tell them what words to use when denigrating people.

The LGBTQ community did see huge gains internationally, with Australia

recognizing same -sex marriage.

But in Canada, one shameful anti -gay policy still exists.

For more, we go to Donovan Stinson.

Blood. Is it really in you to give?

Not if you're considered a high -risk donor by Canadian Blood Services.

And when my own blood was rejected for donation, I had to go to the CBS

headquarters to find out why.

Okay, so there are many reasons a donation would be rejected.

So, let's have a look at your application. Of course, yeah. As I'm

aware of my work, I included the time that I traded leeches with my segment

producer, the 2014 raccoon bite, and last year's on -camera...

Testicle piercing got awry. Was any of that flagged? Given the timing of those

activities, they are all acceptable risks. Oh, and I also shared needles

chimp for a segment on primate fentanyl addiction.

Mm -hmm. Also fine. Really? Yeah.

Okay. Then why was I rejected?

Well, you told us that you had sex with a man in the last year. Yep. And it's

the position of Canadian Blood Services to not allow sexually active gay men...

Or fluid. I should just... I should point that out to my female viewers.

to donate blood cool okay so what you're saying then is that they need to be in

a monogamous relationship no they need to have not had sex with anyone unless

it's a woman what if it's like really like boring sex not even what if they

watched that's fine what if they wrestled a naked man like the ancient

used to do sure and what if like while wrestling that naked man Flipped in for

second. No. Just the tip. Not even. Wow.

And the reason for this is that you assume that gay men have a higher

to HIV.

No, no, no, no. This has nothing to do with HIV.

There's a very simple test for it, and all donations are screened for it

Okay. Then why?

Simple. It's the belief of Canadian Blood Services that giving recipients

gay blood will in fact turn them gay.

Hmm. Yeah.

And where did you go to medical school?

To... A country that no longer exists.

Southeast Timor.

Can I get that back? Absolutely.

I couldn't believe what I had heard from Dr. Thornberry, but he did assure me

that they were making progress.

After all, they recently cut down the ban on sexually active gay men from five

years to one year after they determined that it only takes 300 days for gay

blood cells to die out.

For the Beaverton, Donovan Stinson, signing off.

Thanks, Donovan. For what it's worth, your blood's always seemed great to me.

Over 12 months of broadcasting, you're bound to make at least one mistake.

Or two, or a dozen. Over the past year, Miguel and I misreported... Fine. I

misreported the facts on certain stories that I feel obligated to correct, as

both a journalist and as the defendant in a class -action libel suit.

The new leader of the Conservative Party is Andrew Scheer, and not, as Emma

reported, an IV bag filled with vanilla pudding.

Contrary to what I said in my April tax tips segment, the CRA does not accept

IOUs.

The BC wildfires were caused by a combination of lightning and low

God's wrath over the continued existence of the CFL.

And eating four bowls of cereal per day is not an effective method of birth

control.

How did you end up with all this fake news?

First you see something on 4chan, then it pops up on your Twitter feed, and

you've seen it twice, so...

Emma, I really think you need to reevaluate your journalistic standards.

When we return, did Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez rekindle their romance to

distract us from the fact that they're both lizard people?

I have two sources that say yes.

Both sources are right.

Why?

watching commercial.

Here are some more honorable mentions.

Brad Wall ended his tenure as Saskatchewan Premier after achieving his

accomplishment, retirement.

Sears Canada renamed itself Bombardier in hopes the government would bail it

of bankruptcy.

And Canada agreed to buy Australia's old fighter jets even though they were

riddled with venomous snakes.

In our number eight story of the year.

Thousands of white supremacists descended on Charlottesville, Virginia

for the Unite the Right rally, a .k .a. Nazi Coachella.

Many participants were caught on camera chanting, you will not replace us, and

Jews will not replace us, before immediately losing their jobs and being

replaced.

Turns out the most qualified candidate for the job isn't the one who takes the

day off work to be racist.

The Charlottesville rally was held to defend Confederate statues and promote

concept of blood and soil, which aside from being a killing call for a white

ethnostate, is a terrible ice cream flavor.

Our seventh biggest story of the year. Canada had its 150th birthday

with a huge house party in a house we broke into without acknowledging the

original owners were still there.

The celebration quickly became controversial as many accused Trudeau's

government of whitewashing our historical crimes.

To discuss, please welcome Aisha Alpha.

Thanks, Guy.

Aisha, did you find it uncomfortable celebrating Canada 150 when our history

so genocide -y?

Absolutely not.

Canada 150 gave everyone what we always wanted.

Fireworks, festivals, multiple concerts by the truth, and an appearance by

Canada's favorite son, Bono.

Didn't you find the celebration insensitive?

No. I mean, is it weird to say Canada is 150 years old when Indigenous people

have been here for thousands of years? Sure.

Do I find it convenient that by starting in 1867 we ignore the many years of

slavery? Yeah.

But on the other hand...

Giant rubber duck.

I do love that duck. Right?

Plus, it's our birthday. We have to celebrate.

Even if we've had our issues in the distant past, the very recent past, and

literally happening right now.

But didn't our party cost half a billion dollars? Oh, yeah, that was so much

money. Like, borderline criminal amount.

I'm sorry, Aisha, but I really don't see how you can be so positive about all of

this. Oh, it's because as a person of color, I've learned to couch my real

opinions so that they don't sound harsh.

Love that tie, by the way. Thank you.

And also, now that white people got the party they wanted, I assume that 151st

will be devoted to everyone else. It'll acknowledge the full history of our

country and showcase our nation's true diversity, plus 100 % Les Bono. Well, it

sounds like a great idea, but how will you make sure that white people actually

go? Don't worry. When they find out that we've got ethnic food trucks and Drake,

they'll come.

So they can appropriate everything.

Aisha Alpha, everyone.

At number six, pipelines. In 2017, events like the South Dakota oil spill

impeded Alberta Premier Rachel Notley's quest to get literally any pipeline

built to literally any place.

Notley admitted, honestly, at this point, even just some PVC piping to

Saskatchewan would be great.

But places like B .C. remain opposed to pipelines where people have strong

opinions on the environment, indigenous land rights, and not having to wash

their kids with dish soap.

For her part, Notley has acknowledged fears around the hazards of raw bitumen,

saying, yeah, why do you think we want to get the stuff out of our province so

badly?

Speaking of toxic waste, Donald Trump.

His approval rating sits at a record low for a president in his first year of

office. And now Trump may be losing support from his most important voting

Russians.

For more with our number five story of the year, once again, here's Marilla

As Donald Trump somehow manages to continue being president...

Evidence has shown that Russia used social media to disseminate propaganda

successful attempt to influence the result of the 2016 US election.

But the tables turned in 2017 as far -right candidates lost races in France,

Germany and other nations.

The Kremlin is realizing that Twitter bots and fake Facebook stories can't

young swing voters who already view those social media platforms as lame.

So now, like the overbearing parents they want to be, the Kremlin is

infiltrating trendier social media to better control impressionable voting

in the West.

The disinformation campaign has been disturbingly successful.

In advance of the Missouri midterm, a Kremlin -hosted Twitch stream has

thousands of subscribers who watch Russia's answer to PewDiePie build civil

statues. And earlier this week... Kendall Jenner posted a viral snap story

the Ukraine showing that, quote, Crimea is way more fire emoji now that the

motherland is once again in charge.

But the G1 nation isn't stopping there. Russia is also building a strong

misinformation base with the next even younger generation.

Thousands of toddlers have already been exposed to subliminal messages in their

leapfrog pads and fake pro -Kremlin Paw Patrol apps.

By tapping into toddlers' irrational, selfish nature and convincing parents

their tantrums are rooted in economic anxiety, Russia hopes to promote right

-wing populism for another 50 years.

For the Beaverton, I'm Marilla Wex.

Thanks, Marilla. When we return, we look at Britain's proposal to settle its

debt with the EU by offering it a plus one to Prince Harry's wedding.

I'm going to go, I think.

I'm not.

Excellent, you've returned.

Before we get to the number one story of the year, here are some more honorable

mentions.

Roy Moore's past came back to haunt him, now that it's old enough to vote.

With Robert Mugabe gone, Zimbabwe looks to a peaceful future under a man named

the Crocodile.

And after holding up an effigy -severed head of Donald Trump, America was

shocked Kathy Griffin would do something so funny.

And now with another look at millionaires who run and jump real high

living, here's Luke and Pat with sports.

Welcome back to BSN's Top Stories of 2017, the only sports countdown not

on a continuous loop for the past 31 days.

We pick up again at the number five story of the year, the 100th NHL season.

So far it's been an interesting one with performances and stories that have

captivated fans from coast to coast.

Here to look back at the 2017 -18 season so far is NHL analyst Faisal Butt.

Hey, Faisal.

Hey, guys. It's been an eventful few months in hockey, but let's start with

what's on everyone's mind, the Toronto Maple Leafs. With their talented young

core and balanced scoring, this was the year Toronto became an elite team.

Go, Leafs, go!

Definitely exciting to watch, but what else happened this season? For me, the

three top stories have been the Leafs' D are generating a lot of offense, too.

Patrick Marleau is providing veteran leadership for the Leafs. Three, the

players have some interesting off -ice hobbies. Did you know Mitch Marner loves

food?

Any non -Leaf story?

I mean, Winnipeg's one of the best teams in the league this year.

Johnny Gaudreau's having a great year for the Flames. A fan went to one of

Ottawa's games.

I remember that. Did you know the Leafs' equipment manager has a bird named

Sundine? Amazing.

There are 30 other teams. Can you say something about one of them?

The Edmonton Oilers. Good.

have been no match for the Leafs this year. Okay, thanks. Yeah, thanks,

Legendary tennis stars Serena Williams and Roger Federer were two of the

newsmakers this year.

Serena won the Australian Open three months pregnant, Wimbledon while giving

birth via C -section, and the U .S. Open wearing her baby.

Her success, however, has not been without controversy, as players have

she should be stripped of her singles title and awarded doubles instead.

The WCA has also moved to add folic acid to its list of banned performance

-enhancing substances.

And on the men's side, Roger Federer faced similar scrutiny after his

win when the World Anti -Doping Agency raided his home and found the real

to the Swiss star's success, a portrait of him painted 20 years ago that ages

for him.

Floyd Mayweather's August victory over Conor McGregor has been hailed as our

generation's Jesse Owens moment, if Jesse Owens had also been a nightmarish

domestic abuser.

When McGregor, a darling of the alt -right, went down in the 10th round, the

world rejoiced before immediately cringing when they remembered every

thing about Floyd Mayweather.

Meanwhile, Tim Tebow's stint with the Mets was hailed as the next generation's

Michael Jordan, if Michael Jordan was also terrible at every other sport.

In a year that saw the Jays hobbled by injuries and the worst start in

history, GM Ross Atkins said the hardest part of this season was having to take

Jose Bautista behind the stadium and put him down.

The star outfielder was diagnosed with hip dysplasia and an acute case of suck

that trainers warned would only worsen with time.

In response, the tearful Atkins noted the only humane thing to do was to end

suffering, adding, he's my slugger, I'll do it.

But without a doubt, the number one sports story of the year was Colin

Kaepernick. With a lawsuit alleging the NFL blackballed him, many in the league

are wondering why they didn't just let him play, since he was only five starts

away from the kind of brain injury that would have kept him quiet forever.

Three starts if Kaepernick had taken snaps behind the Giants' O -line.

But however Kaepernick leaves, fans are excited that football can finally go

back to being apolitical, giving us all a chance to kick back, relax, and watch

soldiers parade the American flag onto the field while the National Anthem

and fighter jets fly over the stadium.

Quick, guys, am I right?

You'll never be one of them, Miguel.

That's their choice.

Disaster. Destruction.

Chaos. No, I'm not talking about what happens if I miss an episode of Young

Sheldon. I'm talking about the way climate change devastated the planet in

Take Canada. In 2017, climate change -related forest fires ravaged B .C.

While Montreal suffered extensive flooding. But saddest of all, this was

year we lost P .E .I., which sank without a trace into the Atlantic after

getting struck by lightning.

I... Where did you hear that?

The Toronto Storm.

Star?

Beyond our borders, hurricanes, earthquakes, and monsoons wreaked havoc

sea levels rose at their fastest rate in 2 ,000 years.

Leading to the horrible loss of PEI, my favorite all -time province. Pretty sure

PEI is still there. All of this environmental chaos means we need to

now. Agreed. We owe it to the memory of the brave people of PEI.

May they rest in peace. If you are in PEI, please tweet us at the Beaverton

using hashtag PEIMallright to let Emma know that you are still alive.

And if you're a PEI truther like me, use the hashtag RIPEI.

Hopping back into our countdown, our number four story. After an unusually

destructive hurricane season, thousands of wealthy Canadians stepped up and

donated most of their salaries to affected nations like Panama, the Cayman

Islands, and offshore shell corporation 1124.

According to a leaked charity report called the Paradise Papers, Canada's 0

were some of the world's top contributors to not -not -for -profit

charities.

These generous men, women, and corporations didn't even want to be

for their donations, using unnamed accounts to remain anonymous.

Money. It's produced by a genie chained in the basement of Goldman Sachs. But

what did it do in 2017?

Here to talk about the year in finance is our expert, Laura Sillivant.

Wow.

Crazy year, Laura, huh?

Crazy good.

How can you say that? Everything that happened in 2017 was disastrous.

Yes, but if disaster capitalism teaches us anything, it's that the rising tide

of a tsunami lifts all ships.

That seems ghoulish.

Ghoulish like a fox.

I made 10 grand off of BC wildfires alone.

Hurricane Maria paid off my Lexus. What if, I don't know, you aren't cheering

for more disasters?

Then you're missing out on an enormous opportunity for success.

Assuming your only metric for success is the Dow Jones, then really, why

wouldn't it be?

First of all, oh my God.

Thank you.

And secondly, this really only helps the investor class.

Everyone else has had an awful, awful year.

Miguel, take a look at this handy financial chart.

Looks pretty good to me, Laura.

That line's going up.

Exactly. And up equals good. That's the second thing they taught us in business

school. Huh.

So you're saying global chaos is good for the economy.

She gets it. But don't regular people thrive off of peace and stability?

Miguel, think of peace and stability as a whale swimming around in the ocean. No

good for anybody.

Well, it's good for the whale.

But if you can drag that same whale onto the beach, suddenly it becomes a

profitable heap of whale scrap.

That's the first thing they teach you in business school.

But isn't profiting off of disasters short -sighted? Not if you're shorting

civilization.

Let's just say that when we're all using human teeth as currency, someone's

going to have the most human teeth.

Laura Silovitz, everybody.

When we return, Emma's doctor joins us to explain how her annual New Year's

concussion is nothing but a severe hangover.

Oh, thank God you're back.

The Trump campaign's collusion with Russia was our number three story of the

year. But one man's tireless efforts helped blow the scandal wide open. Our

investigative journalist of the year, Donald Trump Jr.

From sharing his email chain with Russian agents on Twitter to implicating

father's top advisors in criminal conspiracy, Don Jr.

spent the year engaged in citizen journalism of the highest order.

This modern -day Woodward and Bernstein single -handedly exposed the shady

actions of Trump's firstborn son.

all while sporting the keen look of a man who just took a sip of something hot

and is now trying to cool it in his open mouth.

If there's any justice, his Pulitzer will sit on a shelf in his prison cell

where he can proudly gaze at it over a cup of Turlet wine while contemplating

his next lunch line shivving.

This year, tensions ran high between North Korea and the U .S. as the two

leaders brought us closer to doomsday.

With the tyrants having so much in common, this brings us to our number two

story of the year. And tonight's point counterpoint are Trump and Kim, best

who just don't know it. Miguel, what do you think? Best buds? They're polar

opposites who loathe each other.

Opposites attract, Miguel. Think of all those buddy cop movies. A young loose

cannon with a tendency to fly off the handle teams up with an old dotard who's

only two days away from retirement, or in this case, impeachment.

Yeah, but in this case, they're both loose cannons. And that's exactly what

world needs. A fresh take on a tired genre.

Nuclear standoff isn't a genre. Millions of lives are at stake. And the real

world needs these unconventional heroes.

One's a streetwise loudmouth from Queens. The other, a quiet intellectual

the wrong side of the demilitarized zone.

Okay, granted, they are both power -hungry monsters.

Who like to hang out with Dennis Rodman.

Plus, neither of them speak English very well.

And have both spent a lifetime pining for their father's approval.

See? Oh, my God.

Right? They're the same person.

We can somehow convince them that they're in a buddy cop movie. We can

cash our way out of a nuclear holocaust. I get it now. You're right. Imagine how

different history would be if JFK and Castro bonded over their sex addiction.

Or Kanye and Taylor over their love of beefing with each other.

Kind of like how when we first started working together, we didn't really see

eye to eye. But now, we're an unstoppable team.

Yep.

Sometimes, the words that inspire come from the most unexpected places, like a

book or a stupid kid's mouth.

The only thing more inspiring than a good quote is guessing which inspiring

speaker it came from. Which brings us to a segment I call, Who Said It? Noam

Chomsky or Donald Trump?

So you'll read a quote and I have to determine whether it was said by

philosopher, and cognitive scientist Noam Chomsky or the crassest president

.S. history?

It's not as easy as you think.

First, insightful quote.

You know what uranium is, right? A thing called nuclear weapons and other

things, like lots of things that are done with uranium, including some bad

things. Nobody talks about that.

Was that Donald Trump or Noam Chomsky?

I mean, obviously Trump.

Hey, good guess.

Next insightful quote.

We have a representative in Congress who they say was here a long time ago. They

call her Pocahontas.

That's Trump calling Elizabeth Warren Pocahontas during a ceremony honoring

Navajo codebreakers from World War II.

Or is it Noam Chomsky in an article about consumerism for the Atlantic?

Emma, it's Trump.

Here's one.

Wouldn't you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects

flag, to say, get that son of a bitch off the field right now.

He's fired. He's fired.

Trump, Emma, these are all obviously Trump. His bullying, sexist, exaggerated

bragging is unmistakable. And that's the problem, Miguel. We have been exposed

to this toxic discourse for so long, we're numb to its effects. We need more

thoughtful discussion in public and on social media. Because Noam Chomsky once

said, if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.

That was Trump.

Agree to disagree.

Only Twitter is a toxic thumb treadmill where trolls, Nazis, and presidents

harass and threaten women while exchanging killery memes.

But in our top story of 2017, women used this testosterone -soaked hate scape to

kick creeps right in the dick pic with a hashtag MeToo movement.

Social media was inundated with a tweet avalanche of women standing in

solidarity, saying, you are not alone.

And actually, wow, it's pretty much all of us, huh?

Of course, when our courts ask women questions like, why couldn't you keep

knees together?

Maybe social media is the best way to hold men accountable for their

to read The Room on public masturbation. It's too bad we needed a whole movement

to explain this, but at least something good came out of 2017.

And with that, we say goodbye and good riddance to 2017, the year that sadly

was. Thanks for joining us. We hope to see you again next year when we recap

2018, the year we naively believed would be better.

Good night.

I'll see you in a sec