Original subtitles

Tonight on the Beaverton.

After missing out on Time magazine, Trump is angling hard for the Sports

Illustrated swimsuit edition.

Jeff Bezos now has more money than the combined wealth of the world's poorest

billionaire. And the Argos win the Grey Cup in a huge upset. Or as expected.

Or whatever.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the only news show that broadcasts live from

international waters.

I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm six -time Russian roulette champion, Emma

Hunter.

Our top story, royal watchers rejoice.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have finally announced their billion -dollar

stimulus to the U .K. economy.

The engagement promises not only to boost consumer spending on commemorative

plates, but also to solidify the military alliance between England and

But now that he's engaged, relationship experts are worried how Harry will

balance the demands of being a husband with his full schedule of nothing.

Nevertheless, royal wedding fever is in full swing, and tabloids are already

speculating when four -year -old playboy Prince George is finally going to

settle down.

After unveiling a surprisingly progressive agenda this weekend, Ontario

leader Patrick Brown has been accused of stealing the Liberal Party platform, of

stealing the NDP party platform.

For 14 years, the Liberals have won elections by taking NDP policies, then

adding buzzwords like community, diversity, and diverse communities.

But it appears Brown has beaten them to the punch. An outraged Premier Wynne

said, Everyone knows stealing from the NDP is our thing. What's next? Is Brown

going to not follow through on his promises like we always do?

For his part, Brown denied trying to copy the liberals' tactics, although he

at a loss to explain his recent haircut.

Meanwhile, NDP leader Andrea Horvath was unavailable to comment on this story

because we didn't ask her.

Faced with declining ratings and poor reviews CBC's revamped the national has

not gotten off to a great start Fortunately producers say they have

solution

even more anchors. From now on, Hannah Mansing, Barton, Chang, and Arsenault

will be joined by David Suzuki, who will report from a purpose -built studio at

the North Pole.

Sports will be handled by the entire cast of Murdoch Mysteries, saying one

at a time. And lifestyle reports will be brought to us by Dan Levy, giving

Canadians what they've always wanted, more Dan Levy.

The CBC is confident these changes will turn things around, but do have a backup

plan, turning the show over to its biggest star, playoff hockey.

In an historic statement, Justin Trudeau apologized for the past persecution of

Canada's LGBTQ soldiers, promising that from now on, they'll only be mistreated

for being veterans.

Trudeau reiterated his commitment to equality by assuring Canadians that

gay soldiers will be denied benefits at the same rate as their heterosexual

counterparts.

The Liberals hailed the speech as the start of a new era where soldiers of all

orientations can be discarded the moment they cease to be useful as election

props.

Vaccines, the only legal way to stab your children.

But with preventable diseases on the rise, it raises the question, are we

stabbing them enough?

For more on this is our own Marilla Wex.

Canada's vaccination rates are on the decline.

Despite overwhelming evidence that proves they're safe and effective, their

reputation has been harmed by the three Ds.

Debunked studies, disgraced former doctors, and D -list actors.

But doctors have found a way to convince skeptics to trust vaccines, disguising

them as naturopathic treatments.

People will put anything in their body if they think it's natural.

So rather than tell people I'm giving their kid the mumps vaccine, I just say

it's apple cider vinegar.

Somehow that's better.

Doctors call it the goop effect. The idea that natural means safe and

by a celebrity means natural.

And now doctors are co -opting it to give their patients all the benefits of

modern science without the science -y part they hate so much.

Once I realized that many parents are convinced that all doctors are in the

pocket of big herd immunity, I had a choice to make.

Cite peer -reviewed studies on vaccinations.

Or... Just tell him it's a shot of good old -fashioned healing juice.

Doctors are even adopting this approach towards the rest of their practice,

ensuring that people are accessing vetted medicine under the guise of

unregulated nonsense.

So you're lying?

Sure. But at least now I can actually treat my patients, instead of spending

appointments trying to convince them not to stick wasps' nests up their vaginas.

So while the granolification of Canada's health care system may worry those who

prefer science -based medicine, it has finally given many parents what they've

always wanted, a chance to feel smarter than their doctors.

For the Beaverton, I'm Marilla Wex.

Thanks, Marilla.

Of course, alternative health advocates aren't the only ones using unscientific

medicine. With cold and flu season in full swing, we all want to make sure

taking the most effective placebos.

Placebos? Yeah, when something works because someone tells you it's

like my communications degree.

For more, here's health expert Emily Muller.

Thanks, Emma.

When cold season comes, we all need placebos, whether it's echinacea,

powder, or the Lord's will.

Wait, wait, doesn't echinacea work?

Don't you think it works?

I want to think that it works. Then there you go.

One of my favorites is cold effects, recommended by Canada's most trusted

physician, Don Cherry.

Listen, Don Cherry went to the med school of hard knocks, okay?

Didn't cold effects perform its own studies showing that it wasn't all that

effective? Yes.

But clinical trials have shown it's exactly as effective as the placebos

cutting -edge medical research.

That's impressive.

Is there any reason at all to think that ColdFX does anything?

My aunt swears by it.

ColdFX is made out of ginseng, itself a very powerful placebo that my aunt

swears by.

Sorry, swore by.

With all due respect, it seems like none of these remedies work, and the only

scientifically supported cure for the cold is bed rest, fluids, and actually

taking a day off of work. Well, it's 2017. Even our viral infections need a

hustle. Yeah. How am I supposed to lean in when I'm lying down, Miguel?

And after all, the best part of curing yourself with a placebo is the

realization that the medicine was in you the whole time.

Thank you, Emily.

After the break, we'll tell you about the only true cure for a bad cold, a

cold with a gun.

Now, that's a little... Coming

up

later on the Beavership.

The World Ball Hockey Championship was interrupted by a car.

CRA cracks down on the original white -collar crime, getting mugged by a

And the CN Tower is finally wheelchair accessible after installing a ramp.

As part of the Canada 150 celebrations, a new outdoor arena on Parliament Hill

will give the people of Ottawa exactly what they're missing, a large public

skating area.

At a cost of $5 .6 million, or $67 ,000 per day it's open, the new arena hopes

to capture the fun of Ottawa with lots of rules.

No hockey, no racing, no experiencing joy, and all conflicts of interest must

reported to the ethics commissioner.

One official said the arena was a perfect symbol of Canadian society.

Cold, bureaucratic, and somehow owned by China.

Monsanto announced a breakthrough in GMOs with the release of a new strain of

corn advanced enough to sue neighboring farmers when it blows onto their land.

The litigator's seeds are said to be impervious to pests.

like subpoenas, countersuits, and investigative reporters.

In a press release, the company said, Monsanto wants to secure the future of

food production by offering farmers choice for their crops, specifically the

choice of either using Monsanto seeds or suffering the consequences.

The new strain of corn will be available in spring 2018, along with a new

variety of quinoa that can tell if a farmer is lying.

Jared Kushner is downplaying reports that his influence in the White House is

waning, citing his role as secretary of important big boy stuff.

The president's son -in -law noted that his portfolio includes such critical

tasks as checking if Puerto Rico's lights are on, reminding Israel and

to play nice, and eating all of his vegetables.

Chief of Staff John Kelly echoed Kushner's sentiments, adding that Jared

expected to complete all of his chores if he wants to earn his weekly allowance

of $2 .7 million.

From white people eating sushi to bluefin tuna eating plastic, food is a

cycle of cultural appropriation and ingesting toxins.

With more, here's the Beaverton's own Eddie Zhang.

We gotta get this going.

Hey, yo, I'm Eddie Zhang. Eddie! Head chef and owner of the restaurant Dim

Stuffed Has Gotta Give.

Yo, these days, everyone wants to know what's the next big trend in global

cuisine.

And now they do, thanks to the man bringing authentic Sri Lankan food to

streets of Toronto, my boy James Petersburg.

Oh, this is the best go -to I ever tasted.

Thank you. Where'd you learn to blend spices like that? Listen, let me tell

I spent three months training in Sri Lanka, but it was just way too hard, so

came back and hired Sri Lankan line cooks.

No shit.

75 % of all kitchen labor in Toronto are Sri Lankan immigrants.

And when I heard that, I said, that is the cuisine that I can exploit.

You mean explore?

Sure.

Okay.

Oh, woo!

Damn, this is spicy!

Nothing is helping!

So hot!

You think white people are going to eat this?

Yeah, they're afraid of the heat, so I figured... Why not lean into it, you

know, make the whole culinary experience feel as dangerous as the Civil War

-torn Sri Lanka?

That's technically a comparison someone else should make.

Hey, our crew's so hot, it's like war crime on your taste buds.

No, we assume that it's too soon.

Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, what up, players?

Yeah! This is where the magic happens, huh?

Dinesh, do you think it should be your picture in all those food blogs?

Yeah, but it's hard to create social media buzz when you're working 15 hours

day. You didn't know James didn't know the menu items for generals accused of

human rights abuses?

I'm not allowed in the front of the restaurant.

People might think I'm the chef instead of the guy who does all the cooking.

Whoa. Did you tell me you've never eaten here before?

I work in the restaurant industry.

I can't afford to eat at a restaurant.

So, if the Sri Lankan community doesn't eat here...

And you get all the money.

Are you guilty of cultural appropriation? Eddie, you run a

So? You're Vietnamese.

As fuck!

So maybe there is a line between cultural exchange and appropriation. In

retrospect, I probably wasn't equipped to handle this delicate debate.

I'm your boy, Eddie Zhang, and I do not stand behind this segment.

Thanks, Eddie.

When we come back, the edibles will have kicked in, so please don't take any

more.

Coming up later on the Beaversons.

The new Northern Highway reaches all the way to the Arctic Ocean, and CAA isn't

happy about it.

During a delay at the Calgary International Airport, a group of

turned their grounded flight into an impromptu oil derrick.

And despite being under house arrest, Paul Manafort was stabbed in the shower.

With low interest rates driving Canada's household debt to record levels, the

Liberals have tabled a new proposal to eliminate the deficit, renovating the

entire country to increase its resale value.

The new plan would see the government add to this year's $28 .5 billion

shortfall to make such long -neglected touch -ups as replacing Aurora Borealis

with potted lighting.

knocking down the Rocky Mountains to create a more open -concept Alberta, and

converting Newfoundland into an en -suite bathroom complete with heated

and eternity ocean.

The proposal has even drawn support from the Conservatives, with a Tory

spokesman explaining that no party comprised primarily of middle -aged

can refuse a plan that involves spending more time at Home Depot.

Times is under fire after printing a softball piece about a dangerous white

supremacist. But now, neo -Nazi website Stormfront is firing back with one of

their own, a heartwarming profile of Larry David.

While Stormfront is usually anti -Semitic, the piece goes out of its way

humanize David, while downplaying his part in the worldwide conspiracy to

control the bank.

The author of the piece explains the reasoning behind the glowing portrait.

Usually we hate the New York Times, but they really did us a solid by

normalizing a dangerous enemy of America.

We figured we could do the same for them.

The Times and Stormfront are even considering a future collaboration, an

on the dark forces polluting both the planet and the pureness of white blood.

With over 340 ,000 employees, Amazon is a bookstore that got way out of hand.

With a search underway for the site of a second Amazon headquarters, Canada's

cities are lining up to screw up their chances.

Ontario tried wooing the tech giant to Toronto by investing in STEM education,

but it's hard to compete with New Jersey's $7 billion tax break or

-story cactus.

For their part, the Liberals have met with Amazon 99 times over the last year,

but sources say that's only because Justin likes to do his online shopping

person.

Toronto's waterfront, once a wholesome place for cutthroats and pickpockets to

talk shop, has since become lousy with craft fairs and outdoor music festivals.

Now, tech giant Google has purchased the right to revitalize the area into the

neighborhood of the future.

With us tonight from the eastern waterfront is the Beaverton tech expert,

Barclay.

Hey, guys.

I meant to ask, what are you doing down there, Dave? Google just got their plan

approved. How could they have started building?

Actually, they started Google -ifying the waterfront months before they even

submitted their proposal.

They're already erecting street signs named after Toronto's most popular

terms. I'm standing at the corner of Big Boobs Avenue, and is this Cancer Lane?

Seriously? How is the zoning board okay with this?

Well, when a company like Alphabet comes calling, cities tend to look the other

way on zoning, labor, and all other laws.

So they funneled some money into Toronto and now they can just build whatever

they want? That's a dangerous precedent.

When he talks to Miguel, how do you think I got my private zoo?

She's right. Giving Alphabet an unfair advantage over local businesses is a

small price to pay for cool Google projects.

Sidewalks that melt snow and raccoons.

And a color that explodes if you try to leave.

Wow, Dave, this is sounding kind of sinister.

Is it really a good idea to let tech companies take over Toronto's decaying

infrastructure if they're just going to turn it into a Blade Runner situation?

The sequel was terrible, Dave.

Oh, you're wondering how other cities can get in on the fun?

No, that's not what I was... Some already have, but it doesn't always go

Especially if a tech company goes under. I'm sure we all remember what happened

when Windsor merged with MySpace in 2003.

Actually, I've heard MySpace might be coming back.

Oh, well, that makes one of them.

Thank you, Dave.

Thunder Bay, Winnipeg's Winnipeg.

To investigate new developments in the town, here's our own Aisha Alpha.

It's been a difficult year for Thunder Bay, with its mayor and police chief

embroiled in charges of extortion and obstruction of justice.

Now many are wondering how the city will cope as it transitions from the murder

capital of Canada to the corruption capital of Canada.

As more and more dirty money flows into the Lakehead region, locals fear it may

come at the expense of the city's scrappy, hand -stabbed character.

Lost to time and the winds of change is the beloved Fort William historical

killing nook. But there's no stopping progress.

Or the bride that helped to redevelop it into a 70 -story condo.

Sadly, the former drug and arms smuggling hub on the waterfront is

unrecognizable now that the Mission Island Marsh has become an offshore tax

haven. And most of the city's meth dealers are being pushed out by an

coke dealers.

If the city doesn't take action, those coke dealers could then be pushed out by

good coke dealers.

Still, city council believes the rise in white -collar crime won't affect its

standing in other metrics.

Despite national gains over the past year, Thunder Bay can rest assured that

still holds the title of hate crime capital of Canada.

For the Beaverton, I'm Aisha Alfa.

Thanks, Aisha.

After the break, we meet the grave robbers behind your favorite ROM

There is

growing

concern that Canada will be unable to fulfill its NORAD duties without

its aging fleet of horse -drawn fighter jets.

The CF -18 jets with their floppy disks and asbestos cockpits have been in

service since 1983.

For comparison, here is a new car and a baby from 1983.

Beautiful, but look at them now.

The liberals say they are on track to replace the jets by 2019, but until

they may have to rely on the new military app, Uber Assault, or the more

affordable Uber Assault Pool.

With the current climate in Hollywood, you may have noticed it's a watershed

moment for tone -deaf apologies.

With one of her own is Emma Hunter.

Thanks, Miguel.

Some people have come forward with allegations against me, and I would like

set the record straight by using an apology to explain how it's not my

Peter Steele, I am truly sorry for cornering you in my dressing room and

you at knife point.

At the time, I thought it was a mutual mugging, but I now realized that it was

just me mugging you.

I behaved insensitively.

To Matthew Duvall, I am sorry for texting you inappropriate pictures of my

mugging knife.

I grew up in a different time when sending threats and then following

with those threats was just part of the culture.

I'm so embarrassed that my behavior directly led to you getting mugged.

To Tyler Thornberry, so sorry about the repeat mugging.

At the time, I thought it was okay because I never mugged you without

first.

But I've learned that when you have a knife, mask, and voice modulator, asking

for someone's wallet isn't a question. It's an armed robbery.

To Shane Tiege, I honestly don't remember the encounter. I was really

back then after the season finale of Lost. That might explain the mugging.

Kevin Spacey is gay.

So there's that.

I appreciate that my past muggings have caused a lot of pain, but I respect and

continue to be a champion of all people who carry valuables on their person.

Please know, I have changed.

I'm awesome now. I'm going to therapy for robbery addiction, which is a real

thing. No, it's not. No, it's not. If you really did those things, you'd be in

prison. You mean like Weinstein, Charlie Rose, and Louis C .K. are?

Good point.

Well, that's our show. Next week, we uncover the KKK's disturbing new teen

recruitment effort with a series of young adult novels about Grand Wizard.

I don't want to get in the way of that.

One, two, one. One, two, one.