Original subtitles

Good night, sweetheart, till we meet tomorrow.

Good night, sweetheart, sleep will banish us.

Dad, the world's going to end and we're missing the programme.

War's no laughing matter, Michael.

Especially with these atomic bombs.

Well, there's only one thing for it.

The cost of maintenance.

The force indicated Mr.

Khrushchev has issued an order to start dismantling the USSR's nuclear missile

bases in Cuba.

Oh, thank God!

Oh, Gary!

Well, it doesn't matter now, does it?

The Russians have backed down. I told you normal service would be resumed,

didn't I? You did, Gary. You were right about Cuba.

Just like you were right about Suez.

And the Berlin Wall.

And Skiffle.

I never saw that coming.

Well, sometimes I get lucky, you know. Oh, don't be so modest. You're a proper

Gypsy Rose Lee.

She was a stripper, Reg.

Then the other one who tells your fortune over Petticoat Lane.

Gypsy Rose Levy?

There's the girl.

You know what? All this nuclear brinkmanship's made me quite fetish.

What's for tea?

Rissels.

Again?

If you don't like my cooking... No, no, I just thought... Well, who fancies fish

and chips? Me, always.

Can't get enough of it. Well, it is brain food, Uncle Reg.

Cheeky monkey.

What about the dog?

He's already eaten.

I mean his walk.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, and then Ron.

Walkies.

There we go.

Whistles.

Again.

I'd kill for a lump of sandal.

A crispy duck and pancake.

Or an American hot with extra hot.

I love Phoebe and Michael.

All right, and you.

I'm so bored.

And I'm missing out on so much.

In the 21st century, they'd probably landed on Mars, cured cancer and

European unity.

And you could get back.

Get back to where I once belonged.

David Bowie fan.

Come on.

Hooray for the swinging 60s.

That was quick.

Did you get me a gherkin?

Sorry, I got sidetracked. Do you remember our lot more haddock with the

off?

You didn't remember anything.

You were starting to lose your marbles in your old age, Gary, my son.

I'm only 52.

Only till next week.

We staggered through streets of dust and death, our brain boiling in the

mushroom madness of pitiless plutonium.

What are you on about?

It's a poem I wrote. It's called Pain.

I'm going to send it to the new statesman.

I knew we should have apprenticed you to Sid the Plumber.

How can I forget my own birthday?

Well, they do come around pretty fast at your age, Dad.

Maybe I'm suffering from delayed brain damage.

My mum always said I was dropped on my head as a baby.

Not you at all.

No point in worrying about it, love.

Can't turn the clock back, can you?

I don't need to turn back.

clock do i run i need to be at saint mary's hospital next thursday because

that's the day that i am being born

Mint Imperial.

I don't mind if I do.

Your first, is it? Yeah.

Yeah, I normally buy polos.

I meant your first child.

Right, yes.

George Sparrow.

Gary Lineker.

Is it? Why?

We're going to call it Gary, if it's a boy.

Well, let's hope it isn't.

Terrible name for a girl.

I'll drink to that.

Better not. Got the car outside, so... Me and all.

What's that got to do with the plasterfish?

No, I mean, you ought to keep your wits about you, because...

Between you, me and the X -ray machine, when my last was born here, the midwife

nearly dropped him on his head.

So this time I'm going to be in there with my wife, right by her side.

You mean... While it's all, er... While it's all coming out...

Well, I see, if you were there at the conception... Of course I was.

Who's been talking?

You should be there at the delivery.

That sounds a lot like it.

George!

George?

She needs you, George.

George, get in there. Get in there now and make sure they don't drop me on my

head.

I suppose

this is the excuse for a father.

And you are?

The excuse for an uncle.

Then you can say hello to your new nephew.

No, I...

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What happened to those phone boxes?

Ah, nobody uses phone boxes these days, innit? I do.

Ah, you ain't got a phone? No.

Then you've come to the right place, bruv. I can do you a recon smartphone

50 quid.

A smartphone?

Or a dumb phone.

If all you want to do is, like, talk to people.

What else would I want to do with it? Well, duh.

Email, video, FaceTime, Spotify, podcast.

No, I just don't... Twitter, Snapchat, Tinder.

Or Grindr, if that's what floats your boat.

No, I just need to find... Instagram, Angry Birds, Emojis, Kindle. No, I just

need to find... Fishbrain, Rightmove, Looklist, Dropbox. What's that?

I'll call you back, yeah?

Where have you been, bruv?

Away. Ah, what, like inside?

How long for?

What year is it now?

Er, 2016.

17 years.

Right.

Long stretch.

Respect. I just need a phone to call a friend.

Oh, yes, sweet. You can use my phone. Oh, bruv. Thank you.

Where's the keyboard?

Oh, you just tap the icon.

No,

the icon. Tap the... Pass it here, I'll do it.

What's his number?

Oh, 0 -4 -3 -7 -2. No, bruv, it can't be. All mobiles start with 0 -7.

Since when? Since forever.

What, they let you out, did they?

Are you sure you didn't escape?

Wait, have you Googled him?

Well, of course not. We're just good friends.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What's his name?

Ron. Ron Wheatcroft.

Ron. No Ron, Ron Wheatcroft.

Better idea. Try Lady Yvonne Sparrow.

You know Evil Yvonne?

Evil Yvonne? Yeah, she's like a dragon, isn't she?

Well, she wasn't easy to live with, but I don't think... No, no, no.

Oh, the Dragon's Den. It's this TV programme where poor people come in with

their dreams and rich people make them cry.

It's on YouTube.

Which is what?

Mate, are you sure you weren't in Guantanamo Bay?

We've seen some bizarre inventions on this programme, but this one really

the biscuit.

You're wasting my time, the Dragon's time and the viewers' time because there

no way this thing will ever get off the ground.

No sign of your dad?

Nobody's seen him all day.

Probably doing his secret work.

What secret work?

Well, he was a spy, wasn't he, in the war?

For us, not for them.

Well, Dad was a songwriter in the war. That was just his cover.

Well, he did write songs.

Lovely songs.

I can fly higher than an eagle.

You are the wind beneath my wings.

Personally, I always preferred It Me With Your Rhythm Stick.

He just gave it all up. He said he'd been abandoned by his moose.

Not his moose, Reg.

His news.

I wish I had Dad's talent.

Everyone's starting up groups.

There was this new one I heard last night on Radio Luxembourg.

The Beatles.

It was really different.

It was like... Where did you

get that?

I swapped it for a fountain pen.

Hope you gave it a good rinse. What's wrong with leaving the ink in?

I meant the mouth organ. It'd be full of germs.

I've heard it before.

Play that bit again.

Love, love me do.

You know I love you.

How do you know that song, Uncle Reg?

One of your dads.

We used to sing it down the shelter when the doodle bugs were coming over.

only sold one of his songs?

Oh, I bet he didn't sell it. Knowing his luck, they stole it.

Wouldn't be the first time.

It would not, Reg.

Half the songs in My Fair Lady were nicked off your dad.

I could have danced all night all over again.

Is this Dragon's Den?

Why? What have you invented?

Ciliate?

I'm here to see Lady Sparrow.

Oh, is she expecting you, sir?

Hardly. But I think she'll want to see me. I am her husband.

Ah, well, in that case, can I ask you to wait over there with the other

husbands?

Did you land today? An hour ago? How?

No, it doesn't matter.

It never made sense anyway.

And it's your birthday.

You remember?

Oh, every year Yvonne and I crack open a bottle of champagne and raise a glass

to the best man we ever knew.

Really? Of course not, you duplicitous egomaniac. You ran out on us.

I didn't intend to.

Go on, get in.

Tell me everything.

This is like something from Star Wars.

I know.

So, what are you doing here?

I'm collecting, Yvonne.

Oh. Are you two an item?

What? No.

I won't deny there was a brief moment when I thought, nay, hoped, that we

be thrown together by our mutual grief at your loss.

She knocked that on the head pretty sharpish.

That's out of the goodness of her heart. She allows me to live in her basement.

In return for our jobs, a bit of driving, that sort of thing. I can't

you're here.

Does this mean you're back in the old routine?

Two wives.

Two time zones.

Lots of lying and deceit. Me having to cover for you.

Because I've really missed that.

No, Ron, I'm not going to lie anymore.

I just need to see Yvonne and apologise for the pain I've caused.

You'll have a job.

Hi, Ron.

You outside?

Your carriage awaits, milady.

Why do you always say that, Ron? You're so predictable.

I'll be out in a minute.

Ready when you are, milady.

I'll show her predictable.

Get in the back.

Oh, usual bunch of losers and fantasies. Oh, that's why they love you on that

show, Yvonne. Your empathy.

But cheer up. I've got a fantastic investment opportunity for you.

I'm not interested, Ron.

Not after your cat -cloning debacle.

This is different.

I've met someone who's discovered the secret of time travel.

Hello, Yvonne.

fainted, so the midwife handed me to me.

And you know how you can't bring the same poles of two magnets together?

Schrodinger's cat.

Yeah.

Well, the next thing I know, I'm back in my old shop, except now it's some

trendy overpriced burger joint.

Hoof and claw.

Yvonne's the owner.

35 branches and counting.

Your old shop was the first one.

Does that make me a partner?

No, because I had you declared dead.

I had to move on.

You've remarried.

Couldn't find anyone to follow me, you mean?

I mean, once bitten, twice shy.

Not that I've been a nun.

She's not kidnapped to soundproof the basement.

Wrong.

You know you broke my heart, Gary.

I didn't mean to.

Oh, so someone forced you to be a bigamist? It wasn't my fault I got

the past.

Or else you'd still be stringing two wives along. I always loved you both.

You and Phoebe still together?

Yes, of course.

I haven't got a bit on the side tucked away during the Boer War.

I can see

why you preferred her.

I didn't.

Not exactly.

Why do you keep going back, then? The powdered egg?

I just always felt inadequate around you.

Oh, so it was my fault, was it?

Is that your Michael?

Yeah.

Doing his A -levels.

He's great, Ron.

And you've got a dog!

Yeah, yeah, part of the family.

He's a bit out of condition, isn't he?

He is, yeah.

Yeah, he's a fat lady, old bugger, actually.

All he ever does is eat and sleep.

What do you call him?

I had no idea he was going to be such a disappointment.

Well, thank you for coming back from the dead and churning up all the feelings I

thought I'd managed to work through.

What sort of feelings?

Angry, vengeful feelings, Gary.

Now, I think you'd better be getting back to your family, because with the

will in the world, there's nothing for you in 2016, is there?

I wouldn't say nothing, Yvonne.

What are you doing home?

I ran away from school.

Again? It'll save them the hassle of excluding me when they find out I blew

the headmistress's bidet.

Ellie, this is the third school.

I know, Mum.

I can count.

Oh, good, so that 40 grand here wasn't a total waste. You can afford it.

Anyway, you only sent me there so you could bring weird blokes back.

I'm not weird.

He is.

No, I'm not. He's an old family friend.

I've never seen him before.

And why is he staring at my leg?

What happened to your jeans?

Gary's been away.

We're fashion prison.

All right if I have a glass of wine? You're 16!

So? Lighten up, Mum.

I've had it up to here with you, Ellie.

Tomorrow morning I'm driving you back to Cheltenham Ladies' College where you

can apologise and beg for mercy. You can't tomorrow, Yvonne. You've got the

House of Lords Committee on Child Neglect.

Tomorrow, Ron is driving you back to Cheltenham League. You're such a

And you're a spoiled brat.

Now you can go to your room.

And she's your daughter?

Don't you dare criticise me.

It's not my fault she grew up without a father. Is it, Gary?

You mean she's our daughter?

Well, of course she is, you plank.

Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?

Because I didn't...

out until after you'd vanished into the mists of time.

And you've never told her about me? Tell her what? That her father's an

incompetent time traveller.

So who does she think her father is?

Some two -timing bastard.

Oh, literally.

Who abandoned us when I was pregnant.

And don't you ever tell her otherwise.

Well, I'm not likely to get the chance now, am I? Not if I've got anything to

with it, no.

Don't let me keep you from the bottom of your family.

Right.

Goodbye, mate.

Ron,

you couldn't give me a lift to the... He's busy.

The tube station's down the road.

I've only got old money.

Doesn't matter.

I feel like a walk.

You're kidding.

You

still

have buses, then?

What? Buckets.

Big red things full of old people and drunks.

I've seen them.

I've never been on one.

Your mum thinks you're still in your room.

How did you escape?

I'm a member of the school abseiling club.

£150 a term.

Worth every penny.

So where are you going now?

Sleepover? Rave?

I've got to get back to school before light's out.

You aren't being expelled, then? No.

I had a day's study leave and I needed my tablet.

You're not well.

No, my tablet.

Duh.

Oh, yes, yes, that's called a tablet. I know.

Still, you could always cut your mum a little slack, you know.

Or as I look down on in abseiling circles.

That's quite funny.

For a weirdo.

Yvonne's not so bad.

You try living with her?

I did.

What?

Well, you know, way back.

Students, shared house. It's before you were born.

Did you know my dad?

A bit.

We were around at the same time.

Is he as big a tosser as my mum says?

No.

Well, he's a bit immature and self -centred, maybe.

A bit of a dreamer.

But a really lovable bloke.

Terrific sense of humour.

Loyal.

Intelligent. If he was so loyal, why did he walk out on us?

Maybe he didn't know about you.

I haven't told Mum, but when I'm 18, I'm going to go look for him.

Of course, he may not want to know me.

I bet he would.

Taxi for early? Yeah.

What happened to engines?

You're OK.

Odd, but interesting.

See you around?

Hope so.

Want a lift?

Yes. Thank you.

Would you mind turning that up, please?

Married to the owner.

Can

you

hurry up?

I have to go.

No more service has been, has he?

Yes.

Yes, I understand.

No news is good news, I suppose.

Thanks.

It's not the Hackney Hospital.

Right, let me think.

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Gary! Where have you been all day?

In hospital.

What? Well, not in. At.

Having tests.

You applied for a hospital job?

Tests on my brain, Reg. You know, the memory loss.

What did they say?

I can't remember.

They said I'm fine, everything's fine.

Couldn't be better.

Well, you're home now, sweetheart.

Many happy returns.

Nice to be back.

Happy birthday to you. Well done, Brett. We haven't lit the candles yet.

Yeah, and that'll take all night.

Come on, Gary. Give us one of your songs.

Oh, I don't know. Oh, yeah, go on, Dad. Sing Love Me Do.

I don't think I know that one.

You wrote it.

You sure those memory tests are on the level?

I know.

I'll sing a new one I've written.

Looks like his moose is back.

Hello from the other side I

must have called a thousand times To tell

you I'm sorry

For everything that I've done. But when I called you near.

Seemed to be home.

Hello from the other side.

Good night sweetheart.

as we get to meet the young hyacinth and her family on BBC One, mate.

While on BBC Two, they're oven -ready for Joe Brand and the great British bake

-off that makes this life.