Original subtitles

Good night, sweetheart.

All my prayers are for you. Good night, sweetheart.

I'll be watching over you.

Tears and cutting may make us alone.

But with the dawn,

a new day will come.

Lords and ladies know, this is the first time I have been in a noble chamber.

Indeed, this is the first time I have been in a chamber of any sort.

And I may say that if one is to share a chamber, then there can be no greater

honour than to share it with noble lords and ladies.

Well, good morning, your utter nobleness. Permit me to kiss your foot.

When did I arrive?

By courier, about ten minutes ago.

How do I look?

Regal. How do you feel?

Regal? Regal and a touch noble.

Exactly.

Regal, a touch noble and just a trifle ladylike.

Precisely. And a bit of a prat.

Gary, as one goes into the chamber, one must be dressed as all noble lords and

ladies are dressed.

Fully robed, robed up. One simply cannot go into a chamber if one is disrobed.

Disrobed? Now, there's a thought.

Tell me, your nobleness, what does a noble lady wear under her noble robes? I

put it on in a hurry.

Did you?

Don't you just go out on the bath?

I thought you were supposed to be going over to Ron's on a mission of mercy.

That's plenty of time. Just another one of Ron's wrecked romances.

Come along then, Baroness Sparrow.

How about some noble nookie in your noble robes?

If you want any treason, we'd get sent to the tower.

Yeah? Fancy checking out the crown jewels, eh?

Gary, I can't. I'm due for a photo call.

They're doing a mock -up of a poster of me sitting on the Millennium Dome,

beckoning people in.

Mock -up's about right.

Sparrow sitting on a white elephant.

You may sneer, Gary, but what do you imagine the man in the street will be

thinking when he begins his Millennium Dome experience by ascending the giant

perspex Baroness Sparrow?

Where's the gent?

Yvonne's obsessed.

Ever since she became Baroness Sparrow of Lombard, I hardly get to see her.

What, with her all -day mill -dome meetings and nights on the town with

Cook and Mrs Merton?

I'm not sick.

Well, you know, lovesick.

Different kind of sick.

Sick of being humped and done sick of life.

You don't buy grapes for that sort of sick.

You know, I never really thought of myself as a commoner before.

I'm not sick.

I'm suicidal.

A good stout rope, that would have been more use than bloody grapes.

She's a high flyer, you see, and I'm a low achiever.

I'm the statue, she's the pigeon.

Love story, Romeo and Juliet.

I thought they might cheer you up.

Well, you know, there's someone worse off than yourself.

Gary. I lie here, as you can see, unwashed, unshaved, unhappy.

My couch an island of despair amidst a glittering sea of lager cans.

My sense of optimism is hardly likely to be improved by stories in which star

-crossed lovers stab themselves, take poison, or contract fatal diseases.

What's that?

Pick and mix, mostly wine gums.

No, that thing that looks like a colostomy bag.

It's a large purple wildebeest, obviously.

Flick's large purple wildebeest.

It was grazing under the bed.

Very unhealthy, Ross.

Looks fit enough to me.

Hanging on to Flick's things is very unhealthy.

Hanging on to Flick's things is what I love most in life.

But the reason I'm in that window and considering jumping is because from now

on, some other bastard's going to be hanging on to Flick's things.

Ron, don't you dare talk about chucking yourself out the window.

Cos I know you won't do it.

You have an irrational fear of heights. I once had to talk you down off a high

curb.

I see that window as an easy way out.

Well, it's quicker than the stairs, that's for sure.

Oh, come on, stop wallowing.

Look, I told Yvonne I'm going to a trade fair in Guernsey, OK? Just so our

stories match.

Why should I help you out, Gary?

I'm a man who's been kneed in the knackers.

You're a man with two wives, two pairs of eyes to gaze into, two pairs of lips

to kiss, and two full sets of everything else.

Do you think it's easy, the life I lead?

You may not know this, Ron, but there are times when I actually envy you.

I mean, now isn't one of them.

Oh, come on, use your routine, OK? Just in case Yvonne misses me, however

unlikely that may seem.

You may not have noticed, Gary, but I'm the one in need of support.

Look, I just want to spend a couple of days back in 1945, OK?

Back in a time where I'm a highly appreciated husband.

Not to mention father.

Secret agent.

Supernaturally talented songwriter.

Well, off you go, then.

We'll stay here, down at the end of Lonely Street.

Look,

mate.

It's just like having a bad cold, you know?

You wake up one day and you start to feel better.

A bad cold.

The woman I worshipped.

The woman I believed in.

The woman who took her clothes off solely for my benefit.

This woman has left me forever, and you think all I need is a bottle of Lucozade

and a vapour rub.

She was that kind of girl.

She moves in for a while, then she's off, along with her spare knickers.

Oh, no, I've still got them.

Oh, no, that is sad.

It's a lost cause, Ron. Send them back.

No. They're all that's left of everlasting love.

Look, it's morbid. Put them in a padded envelope. I'll post them as I leave.

I can't. You must.

No. Why not?

I'm wearing them.

In the meadow, in a little bitty pool, swam three little fishes and a mama fish

or two.

Swim, said the mama fish, you swim if you can. And they swam and they swam all

over the dam.

A -boop -boop -dee -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da. A -boop

-boop -dee -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da. A -boop

-boop -dee -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da. A -boop -boop

-dee -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da.

I like that song. It's a funny song.

Makes me laugh every time I hear it.

Sorry, gents, did I leave the door open? The thing is, we don't open till eight.

Oh, we thought we'd just pop in and show our faces.

We're your insurance men.

I'm Mr Smith. And I'm Mr Jones.

Insurance? No, no, no, that's already taken care of. Thanks all the same.

He doesn't understand.

He does seem to have the wrong end of the stick, all right.

We'll explain, shall we?

Insurance against...

The breakages.

Yeah, watch out.

Insurance against flood damage.

Yeah, yeah, what's your game?

Insurance against damage.

By fire.

Yeah, watch out, watch out. The old place will go up. By George, you're

I mean, accidents can happen so easily, can't they?

Good idea to be insured, eh?

Right, I've got it. You're members of the criminal fraternity.

Demanding money with menace aforethought.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, me old mates, but you have just made a

terrible mistake.

I am ex -PC Reginald Dedman of the Metropolitan Police, currently holding

rank of Sergeant Commissioner.

Yes. I thought that put the fear of God into you.

That does give us pause for thought, Sergeant Dedman, yes.

That is very worrying indeed.

It looks like the game's up, Mr Jones.

Right. Now, I could run you in for malicious breakage and spillage, so

yourselves lucky.

But if I have any more trouble, I shall come down on you like a ton of bricks.

Do I make myself clear?

Oh, that is clear enough to me. Is that clear to you, Mr Smith?

Every word is crystal.

On your way, then.

Don't let me see you in here again.

Oh, you won't see us, Sergeant Dedman.

He won't see us.

Bad luck, me old mates.

All the bars in all the world.

And a walk in the mine.

This is the story of a young girl who was the Einstein

of the band.

Hello, Sergeant Dedman.

Looks like you've got a bit of a problem with your electrics.

Oi, who the hell are you?

What's going on? Right, you've had your warning.

You're under arrest.

Gary, he's hurt, he breaks.

Get your hands off her. Any closer and I'll break her arm.

Right, you're both under arrest.

All right, you are in trouble now.

Oh, we can see that. My knees are knocking.

I feel quite faint, to be honest.

Just tell us what you want.

Oh, it's ever so simple.

We want you and your clientele to enjoy the benefits of our fully comprehensive

insurance policy.

It's relatively inexpensive and guarantees evenings free from travel and

disruption. Regular payments to be made the first of each month.

And if we don't? Please, no bad thoughts.

Just pay up, eh?

Otherwise this little songbird might lose her voice permanently.

Are you all right?

What are we going to do?

Not let them get away with it. Gary, they're dangerous men.

They had the benefit of the prize.

It won't be so easy for them next time, will it, Reg? I took

this one over outside Emporio Armani.

You can see her platinum credit card flashing in the sun.

You miss her too.

I know, it's hell.

You feel like throwing yourself out the window.

Good idea.

I'll go first.

Unless you'd like to go first.

Let's go together.

Look, you run a nightclub.

You have to expect some rough customers.

They weren't customers, Inspector Priestley. They were villains, thugs.

threatened us.

They offered us insurance.

Well, it's no crime to work for the Prue, Mrs Sparrow.

They were physically violent.

Offer any provocation, did you?

These were criminals.

Even Sergeant Deadman was powerless against them.

Well, yes, all right.

But they were extorting money and they threatened my wife.

Drink -taking, was it? Taken by both parties, perhaps?

There was no drinking involved.

They twisted me arm up my back. Look, like this.

Yes, thank you.

We need protection.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Sparrow, but until there's some hard evidence, there's

we can do.

In a place like a nightclub where intoxicants are freely available and low

tend to congregate, matters can get out of hand.

Low? You take that back. Sergeant!

Shall these people out, will you? And try to ensure they don't fall down the

steps as they leave.

It's obvious.

But he's a policeman, Gary.

Phoebe, Father Christmas was really your dad, OK?

And you can clap as much as you like. You're not going to save Tinkerbell.

Without it, then? Well, not necessarily.

We may find that we don't get any more visits from insurance salesmen if we can

prove that Inspector Priestley is on the payroll.

I was supposed to do that.

You forget that I'm a highly trained MI5 field operative, Phoebe.

And all you need is a field to operate in.

You just leave it to me.

You wouldn't ever think of trying it again, would you, Ron?

No, I've got the wildebeest to think of.

I was never going to jump anyway.

I just went out for some fresh air.

Decided to stay for a while, enjoy the view, think things through.

When someone saw me and called the police.

If only one of us had been there.

One of you were there.

He was here, then he left. Better things to do.

Well, didn't he see how upset you were?

He didn't seem to be paying much attention.

Callous sod!

You wait till I see him.

What are you going to say?

What do you want me to say?

Wind him up. He deserves it.

OK, I will.

Where is Gary, by the way? Do you know?

Yes, I do know, Yvonne.

I know exactly where Gary is.

So tell me.

Trade fair in Guernsey.

Typical, never here when he's needed.

You didn't just want to get back at Gary, though. You were depressed.

Of course I was depressed.

The love of my life had walked out on me.

Don't you ever remember being so much in love your teeth ache?

I didn't.

Ron, do you think what with me being made a baroness and mixing in high

and the Mill Dome star...

Do you think I'm leaving Gary behind?

Yeah. By about half a century or more.

All

right.

How much?

50 quid. Per calendar month.

Starting now.

50 quid?

We don't keep that sort of money in the till. And I don't want you coming round

here again, my husband. We'd never agree to pay.

There'd have to be a secret between us.

All right.

It's in Greenwich.

You bring it there tomorrow, 1 .30 sharp.

Let's speak to it, shall we?

Oh, dear.

I was taking some stains off the bar.

That was liquid paraffin.

We're all going to plan now for the booby trap.

All I need is a booby.

I have to do it all.

They seem to be in a bit of a hurry.

Have the trots, did they?

What do they want this time?

£100 or accidents start to happen.

£100 quid? £100 every month.

You get a different class of criminal up west.

Damn Marlene, it was a bowl of jelly the eel, so we'll let your bike tyres down.

What did Inspector Priestley say?

No evidence, Reg. And why did he believe us?

If only we had someone on our side with a bit of influence, you know?

Someone who the police could take at their word.

A hundred quid?

Every month.

Not fifty?

A hundred.

First of the month. On the dot.

A hundred, eh?

Right, thank you, Constable.

It's Sergeant there, sir.

Smith and Jones, you say?

Well, that's what they said.

But if you want my opinion, they are using false names.

Not much gets past you, does it, Constable?

It's Sergeant there, sir, if you notice.

Right, thank you. Well done. Leave it with me.

A hundred quid.

Bastards! No,

not you, Constable.

It's Sargent now, sir. It's Chargent, if you notice.

Piss off, Deadman.

Yvonne, I thought you were a ghastly.

Wind, Gary.

I usually suck a strong mint.

Wind, breath, fitness.

Later on today, I shall be hosting a celebrity event at Mill Dome, the first

foray into the Perspex Baroness Sparrow.

All day long, I shall be guiding people of prominence around the highways and

byways of my inner being.

Mm -hm.

Up yourself, as usual.

It's no small honour, Gary.

Opening, I shall be entered simultaneously by the entire cabinet.

By the way, Ron tried to commit suicide.

Look, Yvonne, don't you think you're just being a tiny bit pompous about...

do you mean, suicide?

Suicide. What kind of suicide?

Well, the kind where you try and kill yourself.

The police were called, you were away in God knows where, so I went round to

comfort him.

Him and the wildebeest.

No, you can't.

He wouldn't...

Oh, God, he didn't try and chuck himself out of a window, did he?

How do you know?

I didn't.

I had no idea. Certainly not, no. Did he?

Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, I thought if he was going to attempt it, that's the

way he would do it.

Why?

Well, it's less effort, isn't it? Gravity's straight down, whoosh, piece

cake.

But he's all right, isn't he?

Well, he's not dead, if that's what you mean. No, no, he's not dead. That's the

best way to be, isn't it?

Right, I'll pop round and see him, then. I expect he'll be pleased to see me.

Possibly. On the other hand, he might think of you as the callous bastard with

the grapes and the depressing videos.

Ron?

Ron!

Well,

he wouldn't go anywhere without this.

Can't take any more of this. I'm going.

Oh, my God.

Ron!

Ron! What?

What are you doing with that suitcase?

What use is a suitcase if you're trying to top yourself? That's bloody

ridiculous. Top myself?

I saw the note. I can't take any more. I'm going.

I hadn't finished writing it.

Going to Liverpool.

See my auntie.

Fried breakfast, hot water bottles.

Bit of looking after.

No -one here wants the job.

I'd be obliged if you'd pass me my large purple wildebeest.

Yvonne said you were desperate.

Desperate to have my best mate take me seriously.

I'm sorry.

Can you forgive me?

No.

I didn't realise you'd take it so hard.

I mean, you have been done before.

Oh, look, I'm sorry. I should have been there for you, and I hate myself.

I hate you more.

Not really. I feel terrible. I'm going to make it up to you, all right?

You know, you and me.

Out on the road.

Eh? Eh?

Hope you forget... What's her name?

Who? See?

Forgotten already.

Yeah, all right, then.

I didn't want to go to Liverpool anyway.

Come on. First 25 pints are on you.

Absolutely. But not tonight.

I've got to get back to 1945, mate.

Got a spot of bother with some gangland villains, you know.

Actually, I was on the lookout for a really good camera.

I mean, I was coming round to see you anyway, obviously.

See how you are?

But I just thought, you know, seeing as it's there, I could just borrow

it. And I'll be back soon. I mean, ever so soon. And then we'll do it, OK?

Definitely. You, me, lots of beer, curry, club.

Eh? Just the two of us, right?

Well, I mean, you can bring the wildebeest.

So, sir, it's all right about the camera.

Secret Military Intelligence Unit.

We believe a nest of spies are having their meetings in the house opposite.

I want to ask permission to take photographs from the vantage point of

front bedroom.

It's crucial to the war effort.

British lives depend on it.

Bugger off.

All right, I'll come clean. I'm from the news of the world.

I'm trying to get intimate shots of a sex ring involving Call Girl, the

Scoutmaster and the Bishop of Tootingbeck.

I wouldn't normally allow a man into my boudoir.

Except my husband, of course.

He comes in to decorate once a year.

That's very kind of you, Mrs Green.

How kind.

How kind.

Oh, that's a big one.

I've never had anything that size in my boudoir before.

Not poking out your window, anyway.

Are they in there?

Oh, yes.

They're in there, all right.

Come on, Phoebe.

She one of the tarts, is she?

Phoebe. One of the... Um, yes. Yes, she's one of the... Great. Right on

Is she going in?

I expect they'll be here any minute.

Are they at it?

Are they?

Are they touching each other's bits and pieces?

And here comes the Patsy.

Patsy?

Patsy? She's another floozy, I suppose.

Oh, my God.

It's an orgy.

I think we'll have to go and have a lie down on the bed.

Oh, my God, they've seen me.

They're coming over.

Coming over?

The orgy?

Don't tell them I'm in the second bedroom on the left.

I'll get you.

Sparred on an officer of the law, Mr Sparrow.

This leads me to the inevitable conclusion you must be an enemy agent.

Firing squad, most likely. Hard luck.

Flying bomb.

It's all right if you can still hear it.

It's only when they cut out that you can...

Which...

Which... Which... Which... Which... Which... Which... Which...

Which...

Now, I promised you a night on the town, and tonight's the night.

What we're going to do, we're going to get a few drinks in here... Oh, shut it!

And shut it. Yep, OK, you're right. What use a word?

I'm going to make... Well,

yes, you were, but I think you've just got to put all that behind you now. Flix

fool! Her father's horse. It's running a toaster.

I've got 50 quid on a 25 to 1. It's make or break.

If this comes in, I'm convalescing in Florida.

If not, I'm out the window. We interrupt racing from toaster to bring you this

newsflash.

Reports are coming in of a major explosion at Greenwich.

Early indications are that an unexploded wartime bomb has detonated, setting off

a chain reaction in the electrical systems of the Millennium Dome.

The blast has virtually destroyed the dome's entire structure.

However, eyewitness reports state that the dome was unoccupied at the time of

the blast, and it's clear that despite the extent of the damage, no one was

hurt. Gary!

That's the end of this newsflash.

And now we return you to Toaster.

Yes!

Florida, here we come. Where sun and sand will banish sorrow.

Oh, thank God you're safe.

I've just come back from the dorm. The whole thing is flattened. There's just

rubble and twisted metal and a huge pile of shattered... Toaster.

that's left of me, Gary.

One minute I was a proud monument to Britain's drive and enterprise and then,

boom, I disintegrated.

I had this vision, Gary, of people from all over the world coming to visit the

dome and looking up at the statue in wonder, saying, oh, look, there's

Sparrow of Lombard.

Look, your face, that's the most important thing.

What about the mockers and knockers?

The press?

What am I going to say to them?

Don't say anything.

Just give them the finger.

I got him!

I got him!

Top copper comes a cropper.

Anonymous source reveals police link with criminal gang.

executed them?

Phoebe, they've got coats over their heads.

That Inspector Priestley, you never can tell with people. Do you know, he once

said to me, Deadman, you cheer people up just by walking out the door.

But I don't think he liked me, really.

There's no mention of that unexploded bomb in here.

Really? Maybe it came down in Westland.

We ought to tell the authorities, Gary.

They could lie there for years and years and then suddenly just go off. You're

right. Don't worry, I'll let them know.

You won't forget?

No, no.

I won't forget.

Good night, sweetheart.

Sleep will banish sorrow.

Good night, sweetheart.

Till we meet tomorrow.

Sweetheart.