Original subtitles

Good night, sweetheart.

All my prayers are for you.

Good night, sweetheart.

I'll be watching all you.

Tears and parting may make us alone.

But with the dawn,

a new day will come.

It's punctual, isn't it?

Same time every morning, you could say you watch by him. Anything for me?

What were you doing lurking there? Me heart stopped.

Lurking? Was I lurking?

No, I was just watching the boats on the river.

Steamers steaming, barges barging.

Tug, tugging.

Anything for me?

Hello?

It's rhythmic grunting, Gary.

It's probably for you, then.

He's grunting faster.

I think something's about to happen.

I'm leaving this in your hands.

Right, you listen to me, you pervert. If I... It's Ron.

Oh, I don't know. He's probably got one of those sex lines on automatic dial and

pressed the wrong button.

They're all for you.

What's your game, Ron?

Well, Yvonne said you were grunting at her.

I wasn't grunting, Gary. I was gasping.

No, it's not the same thing.

Gary, I need help.

I'm in pain.

because my foot is stuck in a large ethnic ornamental pot.

In a large ethnic ornamental... Thank you.

Where'd that come from?

Guyana. But the pot's country of origin is hardly uppermost in my mind at the

moment, Gary.

I meant, how did it get there?

I was hanging that.

I wanted a better look, so I stood down from the fireplace into the pot.

Flick got me that for Christmas.

She comes home from Barbados the day after tomorrow and I wanted to get it up

before she came home.

OK.

Ow! Ow!

I could hit it with a hammer.

Hit it with a hammer?

It's an ethnic antique.

All right, all right.

Ron,

I suppose you and Flick were living together. Oh, I'd love that.

Would you?

Right. In fact, I'm thinking of asking her.

It's the real thing this time, Gary. I've found the girl of my dreams. Have

Oh, that's great.

Or I could move in with her. I mean, the flats do have exactly the same layout.

Except her loo is on the left and her bedroom's on the right. Yeah, yeah,

right. Look, just suppose that every morning she rushed to get the mail

you. She picked up the phone as soon as it rang and was generally behaving in a

secretive and suspicious manner.

What would you think?

I'd think she was up to it with some other bloke.

So what would you do?

I'd seek out the man in question, explain to him exactly how I felt about

and ask him to stop toying with her emotions.

Would you?

No, I'd kill the bastard.

What do you think they'll do?

It's a hospital. They're highly trained in stuck -pot technology.

You know, Yvonne's been very nice to me recently, and that makes me suspicious.

She could be trying to prevent me from spotting the tell -tale signs.

Signs of what?

Not what. Who.

A secret lover.

That's devious thinking.

That's love -rat thinking.

Exactly.

Ron, I want you to do me a favour.

Keep Obbo.

On Yvonne? Yes.

Why, because you think she might be cheating on you?

Yes. And that would make you feel what?

Hurt, angry, betrayed?

Well, of course.

Gary, for the last few years, you've been sharing a bed with a woman who is

your wife.

Is not your wife Yvonne.

She is your wife Phoebe.

Wife Yvonne doesn't know about wife Phoebe.

What's more, wife Phoebe doesn't know about wife Yvonne, whose bed you share

when you're not sharing the bed of wife Phoebe.

You nip to and fro across the century, jumping into beds, jumping out of beds,

and enjoying all the activities in between, and you're getting stroppy over

possibility of Yvonne having a dalliance.

My wives exist in different temporal aspects of a four -dimensional space

continuum.

Typical bigamist's excuse.

Well, you haven't been entirely honest with the love of your life, have you?

As I understand it, Flick thinks you're the filthy rich executive of the

flourishing print empire, as opposed to an inky -fingered irk with a premium

bond.

Go on, Ron, just for the next few days.

Look, Flick's plane lands at 7 .30 Wednesday morning.

I don't expect to be vertical for the next few days.

Do you think they'll take the foot with the pot?

Look, they're doctors. They train for years.

Just keep your eye on them for sleazy -looking types in chauffeur -driven

What, villains?

Worse, politicians.

Yvonne's chairperson of the Lovey Lolly for Tony's Cronies campaign.

Now, that means she's been seeing a lot of certain members.

Sorry? Of Parliament.

I haven't seen anyone.

You don't mean... Yvonne Gate?

Just take her out of that day and night. If she meets anyone, follow them. You

might need a disguise.

Try and eavesdrop. Take notes. Take a camera.

I mean, you don't have to be obsessive about it.

And where would you be?

So I can deliver a full report along with audio cassette, photographs and

videotape. Wartime Belgium.

Noel Coward asked me and Phoebe to join an ENSA group to entertain the troops

and Phoebe said yes before I could think of an excuse.

Please, Ron.

I'll do the same for you one day.

You won't have to, mate. Me and Flick, it's the real thing.

No lying, no tricks, no games. Just everlasting love.

Do you think I'll need a general anaesthetic?

that a Belgian was allowed to run by Nazi stormtroopers.

I swear you were helping to mop up pockets of resistance, Gary.

Um, somewhere near here. Yeah.

Pretty hairy at the time.

It's all right now, though, eh?

Of course.

Front line's miles south of here.

We're perfectly safe, don't worry.

It's safer in here.

It's the lorry they're aiming at.

Yeah, a bit of a cock up here.

We seem to have lost the others, and unless it's Belgian Guy Fawkes, we're

behind the German line.

Well, how did that happen?

Well, either everyone else was going the wrong way, or I was.

Best thing, you lot try and find somewhere to hide.

I'll try and work out where our blokes have got to. They can't have got far.

I'll take the lorry.

Or, uh, I could go on foot.

No one here have any military background, is there?

Any combat experience, like?

A bit of basic training, even.

Right, sir, you'll want to take charge, sir. Lance Bombardier, Nip Smith, sir.

Second Division Royal Artillery, sir. Any order, sir?

Um... No.

As you were, Smith, you seem to know what's going on. We'll find somewhere to

hide, as you suggest.

Right, sir, I'll be back as soon as I can.

Here, take this.

Oh, and by the way, sir, if you're captured, do you have to cut your own

or is it a cyanide pill, sir?

Um, I'd decide on the spur of the moment.

You undercover blokes. I'd take my hat off.

Right, see that barn over there? I'd take cover if I was you.

Sooner rather than later.

Come on, come on.

All right, everybody in.

This will do until the bombardier gets back.

I thought you said the German front line was miles away.

I wasn't driving the lorry, was I?

Were you supposed to know about these things, someone in your position?

Shh, keep it down.

Suppose he doesn't come back, the bombardier.

He might get killed.

He might lose his way. He might get captured.

Look, stay calm. It's important that we stay calm.

All we have to do is keep out of sight and wait. We're safe as houses in here.

Everybody down!

Harry, I really think I ought to go home now.

I've forgotten to cancel a milk and I've left something in the oven on a low

light.

I'll get you back, Phoebe, don't worry.

And me.

And me.

And me. And me.

Look, Bombardier Smith knows we're here. He'll be back before you know it.

Gary, what if someone finds her?

German soldiers.

German soldiers with guns.

If we discover, then we fight back.

Listen, gather round.

What we've got to do is pool our resources and use our skills.

OK, let's see what we've got in the way of a fighting force.

Name, billing and special abilities.

Sid and Nancy Potter.

Lariat Annie.

And the Deptford Kid. We're a wild west act.

Knives throwing.

Lasso twirling. That sort of thing. You got your knives with you? Yeah, there

they are. Great. Six knives, six dead jerrys. Yeah, and I'm lethal with a

and Bullseye with a bullwhip.

There we go.

We don't stick and we can string them up better and better.

Brian B. Merry, man of a thousand voices, impressionist extraordinaire.

His Betty Grable must be seen to be believed.

Crystal echo.

Right. Well, you can give your Betty Grable routine and we'll hope they die

laughing.

Rock justice.

Yes, and what do you do?

I'm rock justice.

Right. And what do you do?

I star.

Weren't you in a film with Errol Flynn?

No, no.

He was in a film with me, actually.

The day I won the war.

Errol Flynn?

He didn't have a bigger part than him, though.

My part's pretty big, actually.

Let's see.

Look, if half a dozen heavily armed Nazis come through that door, the last

you're going to worry about is the size of your part.

If it happens, I don't worry about it.

Look, would you mind just letting your part drop?

I said, you might have a word, old chap.

I think the best tactical move in the event of an attack would be for me to

hide. Do you?

And why do you think that?

You chaps put up some sort of a fight.

Some of you get killed.

The Jerrys take the survivor's prisoner and leave.

Go on.

Well, somebody has to stay out of sight and go for help.

You? Yes.

It's a dangerous sort of mission, but I'm game for it. Right.

So if we're attacked and you hide, I shall not only reveal your hiding

But I shall also tell the Germans that you're an undercover agent on a mission

to assassinate Hitler, that your cover story is a famous film star here to

entertain the troops, and that you have an unbelievably high pain threshold.

All right.

All right, everyone, gather round.

OK, let's make no bones about this. We're in a bit of a fix.

But if the enemy walks through that door, we're going to sell ourselves

Let's just remember what we're fighting for.

England.

England, that sceptred isle.

A place of verdant fields, of babbling brooks.

A precious stone set in a... sort of setting.

And we few.

We reasonably happy few.

Let me tell you, there are people out there who would think themselves lucky

be here with us, stranded in peril.

Lots and lots of peril.

Ready like us to go once more into the breach, dear friends and neighbours.

For everybody needs good neighbours.

So if you can keep your head when all...

you are losing theirs, then you will be taller.

Yes, my friends, much taller than the rest.

Brian,

when I say it, you come at me with that side.

Go on, Brian.

Not yet. Not yet, Brian.

I've missed you.

Oh, I've missed you.

I couldn't sleep.

I paced the floor. I listened to midnight phone -ins. I watched Open

I saw the dawn come up with a cup of tea and a Pop -Tart. It was hell.

But now you're back.

So, let's have a mad, passionate, all -in, seconds -out, rude -bit interface

before starting on Le Petit Déjeuner.

I'm starving, actually.

OK.

Well, I'll need to keep my strength up.

Ron, I want to talk. Of course you do.

And I want to listen.

How was Barbada?

Were the beaches really white? Was the sea emerald blue? We must go together

next time.

Sure, yeah.

That'd be great.

Listen, listen.

Brian, be careful of that. Ow!

Do you mind?

I spent ages sharpening that.

All right, listen, everyone.

OK, so you've all done very well with your pitchforks, your scythes and basic

running away techniques.

But I think we ought to know something about unarmed combat as well.

OK, so you've been disarmed.

And a German is advancing towards you with murderous intent, OK?

So you need to know his most vulnerable point. Now, what would that be?

No, not your eyes.

My eyes.

Now, watch.

It's block, stab.

Block, stab.

OK, let's try it.

Block, stab.

Block, stab.

No, stab.

Come on, stab.

Get your fingers in there. Block, stab. Right up to the knuckle, OK? No half

measures. It's block.

That's Roger Makepeace. He used to come directly under Peter Mandelson.

But it's common knowledge Yvonne has a close relationship with New Labour.

That's what Gary's beginning to worry about.

Yvonne's in bed with New Labour, we know that.

But is she in bed with New Labour? And if so, with who?

Ronnie? Yeah?

Here we go.

Follow that face.

See that sign?

No parking.

We're just leaving.

No parking. It means do not park your car here.

Sorry. Not just here. Anywhere round about.

We're off, mate. Gone. Disappeared. Twitchers.

You what?

Twitchers, looking for a rare bird. Hence the binoculars.

Oh, no, I was... Only you won't find any exotic species around here.

Pigeons, that's the best you'll get.

We're out of here, no problem.

Chattelinch or two at best.

When my granddad was a copper, this was all trees.

Alive with birds, it was.

Right, we'll be off then. Thanks for all your help.

What do we do if we can't get back, Gary?

I can't stop thinking about little Michael.

I know, me too.

But we will get back, Phoebe, I promise.

I'm so proud of you, Gary.

Taking charge, weapons training, pep talks.

Made me come over all, you know, what's -name.

Did it? Oh, good.

Perhaps we'd better save that what's -name for later.

Supposing we are discovered, Gary.

Won't stand much of a chance, will we?

Yes, we will.

Look, everyone's armed, everyone's determined.

We spring our surprise tactic, and before they can recover, we jump all

them. What surprise tactic?

Well, there's that beam suspended over the door for a start.

Won't detreat in home alone.

Do you really think it'll work, Harry?

Of course I do.

Of course I do.

No parking, parking.

Illegal.

Binocular usage.

Suspicious.

Foot damage with motor vehicle.

Painful.

You got anything to say by way of a statement?

Well, just if you could hurry, I've got to get round Harvey Nicks and then I'm

meeting Tara for a glass of fizz at the groucho.

One of us has got a little bit of form, I observe.

Ronald Wheatcroft.

I was driving the car, they're my binoculars, it's your foot. She's got

to do with this.

Oh, right you are. You're free to go.

I can't just leave you, darling.

Ronald Wheatcroft. No, do.

Do leave me. I don't want you to be part of this sordid affair.

Wheatcroft, master... Go home, put something fluffy on and await my return.

Master printer. I've got broad shoulders and thick skin and dirty little legs.

And a criminal record.

Ronald Wheatcroft, master printer by trade, arrested for assault during a

marital affray March 1997, further arrested July 1998 on suspicion of

antique banknotes.

I suspect it's all in a day's work for someone like you, driving over an

innocent foot.

All right, listen.

I think we have to accept that Bombardier Smith isn't coming back.

Now, we can't stay here forever, so I think we should make a break for it.

I'm going to go outside and wreck it.

And what exactly do you propose to do if you sight the enemy?

Well, I don't know. Perhaps you could give me a hint.

What did you and Errol do the day I won the war?

Gunned down a crack SS regiment, overturned some tanks, sank a battleship

captured Rommel.

Well, I'll only be gone ten minutes, then.

Phoebe, if anyone comes through that door after I've gone...

Shoot them.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Woman. Get back to the barn and warn them.

Right, come on, move.

Christ, my legs won't move.

My bloody legs won't move, I'm paralysed.

Come on, come on, come on, legs.

Come on, move, please, please, move.

Not me.

Did you see anything?

Yes. Germans. Yes. Coming this way. Well, they bloody will be now.

All right, all right.

Everyone get to your positions.

You ready, Brian?

Yeah. Let's hope this works.

I love the bike.

Donner und Blitzen!

Bundesbank!

Vorbrung durch!

Technik! No!

Blimey!

Our lads are all over the place.

I've, er... I've got a lorry outside, sir.

Very good. Well, you carry on, Bombardier.

Very good, sir.

Right, come on then, you lot. Hand the hocks.

Rouse, rouse.

I should give you a medal, mate.

You're a hero, Gary.

Hitler's mother wouldn't have known the difference. Thanks for your help, old

son.

You were wonderful, Gary.

Wonderful.

Oh, I'm glad I'll never have to kiss Hitler. Take it off. Oh, dear.

It's a clue.

I can't shift it.

I have to do it later with some soap and warm water.

Phoebe, I can't go out there looking like adult Hitler.

You don't.

Not to me, anyway.

If it's good enough to stop a German patrol in their tracks, it's good enough

get me shot.

Well, I'll have to pull it off. No, it'll hurt.

Only for a second. Don't be a baby. Phoebe, it's glued to my face.

It won't hurt.

Promise? Promise.

Well, go on, then.

Just my emergency kit.

Makeup, toothbrush, gold card.

It's because you found out I'm a nothing special printer from a nothing special

background with a nothing special income and a police record.

No, it's not.

I've always known you were a bit of rough.

I didn't care.

I liked you for that.

How could you tell?

Obvious bourgeois habits.

You always used a knife and fork and you never farted in bed.

Is it someone else?

Someone you met in Barbados?

Some muscular, lean, jawed Adonis with a gigantic income?

No.

Of course not.

You don't actually know anyone like that, do you?

Is it because you found my bass with your roller albums?

It's nothing.

Just time to move on, that's all.

I've had a lovely time, and thanks for all the lovely nookie.

making me laugh, being sweet.

But I only ever give men three months. Top whack, darling.

And I'm afraid you're past your use -by date.

But I love you, Flick.

I'm in love with you.

Oh, darling, you mustn't be.

Being in love's a terrible downer, I know.

I've tried.

Look, give it another go, eh?

I mean, I didn't know you knew I was a bit of rough.

But now I know, you know. Well, I could be a much better bit of rough than I was

when I thought... You thought I wasn't a bit of rough at all.

Look, I'm off to France for a few weeks. Tiggy's bought a really sweet little

chateau. Then I think I'll put my flat out for rent.

Seen an absolutely wicked workman's cottage in Belgravia.

Don't be sad, darling.

No, you're right.

Bit of a fling, bit of a laugh.

After that, enough's enough, eh?

Who wants to fall in love?

Who

wants

to fall in love?

I knew it.

I knew there was something going on.

Grabbing the letters as soon as they came through the box.

Picking up the phone as soon as it rang.

Gary, what on earth has happened to your face?

My... Um... Face... Got... Face

stuck... Wig.

Face stuck wig.

Yes. I... I... I got stuck... In a revolving door.

Facing wig.

More straight. Look, never mind exactly, Vaughan.

I've surprised you embracing a man who is about to bleed all down his turnbull

and asser. So don't tell me there is a simple explanation.

There is a simple explanation.

Oh, OK, right, fine. Well, let's hear it then.

Roger is PA to the PM's PPS.

So he's a monogram, what else?

He was hugging me. I noted.

In order to congratulate me on my peerage. Exactly.

I come home unexpectedly and find you in the arms of a man who consists entirely

of abbreviations, being congratulated on your... peerage.

For services to exports, to mill dome, to new labour, oh, and for advising on

Tony's hair and Cherie's smile, Baroness Barrow of Lombot.

Lombot?

It was near where I was born.

Don't be ridiculous, Gary.

What have you ever done for your country?

Recently, I'm... Nothing, Yvonne.

Absolutely nothing at all.

Good night, sweetheart.

Till we meet tomorrow.

Dreams enfold you.

In memory I'll fold you.

Good night, sweetheart.