Original subtitles

Good night, sweetheart.

All my prayers are for you. Good night,

sweetheart. I'll be watching all you.

Tears and parting may make us alone.

But with the dawn, a new day is born.

Phoebe?

Oh, Charlie.

Not now, Charlie. I'll be back in a minute.

Who are you?

Never mind who I am.

Well, who's she?

Who's she? The cat's mother.

What are you doing here? What's he doing here?

I was just putting on my frock and he got hold of me.

You got hold of her? I thought she was someone else. Oh, does she look like

someone else? What the hell is going on? Language. I know what's going on, all

right. Come here, you. Come on. Out you go. Come on, you're lucky. I'll bring on

you. Come on, out you go. Will you just get your hands off me and tell me what

the hell is going on?

What's going on?

Language. He's laid hands on my Daisy, trying to infiltrate her cammy knickers.

Phoebe, she was in the bedroom. I thought she was you.

You thought I was her?

Oh, excuse me.

Phoebe, what the hell is going on? Language.

Gary, the brewery's taking the pub away from us.

These people are the new tenants, the Greengrasses.

They've been coming in every now and again to get a feel of the place.

Oh, he knows everything about getting a feel.

Taking it away? What are you talking about?

If you'd been home instead of God knows where, you wouldn't have to ask me what

I'm talking about.

I was away trying to sort out Adolf Hitler. Ever heard of him? Bad haircut,

silly moustache, been making a nuisance of himself lately.

Do you know him, do you?

He's my husband.

You should tell him to keep his hands off of cami knickers that are no concern

of his.

What were you doing in my bedroom, anyway?

I was just putting on me work clothes.

You're a long way from so, old love.

I've already had one go, son.

Look, I told you, Charlie, that was a mistake.

I'm not Charlie, I'm Fred.

Charlie's my brother, he's outside unloading the van.

You're Fred?

Then why did you say not now, Charlie? He'll be back in a minute.

I thought there was something going on, girl.

Well, you know I'm not very good with names and that.

I'm going to give you such a wallop. And I'll give you one back.

Well, you want to go a few rounds with your old Fred Greengrass? I'll talk

this.

I really enjoyed that.

I'm not having that woman back in the premises until we're packed and gone.

I know her sort.

Give short measure and rest her bosoms on the bar.

Phoebe, how did all this happen? I go away for a week and come back to find

we're being kicked out.

Why didn't we get notice?

It seems they sent a letter a month ago.

I don't remember any letter.

No, but you do remember a doodle bag falling in Naylor Street.

Yeah, so what?

Direct hit on the postman.

So why are we getting the push?

Our lease is up. So why not renew it?

Is that George Harrison from the brewery?

He's been looking for an excuse ever since he asked for a bit of flat and

pickle. Showed in the door.

Yes, well, he'll be all right with Daisy Greengrass. All tickle and no slap.

Look, can't we appeal or something?

We've got three days, Gary. I didn't know what to do.

And you, over in France, mopping up pockets of resistance?

Oh, yes, yes.

Well, all right, Phoebe, it's a bit of a shock, but maybe it's for the best.

You know, we've got the flat -up West, life's a bit different now, maybe it's

time. To everything there is a season, Phoebe.

A time to be born and a time to do something else altogether.

I mean, do you really want to stay here forever, after the war?

Just go on pulling pints, talking about the weather, watching the regulars die

off. A time to cast away stones, and a time to go out and find a very different

sort of stone.

What I'm trying to say is, I grew up in the Royal Oak.

When Mum died, you know, the funeral left for me, and then there was me and

helping each other, working together.

Yeah, you're right, I'm being thoughtless. Look, if you want to make a

this, we will. I'll go down to the brewery tomorrow. No, no, Gary, listen.

A time to reap.

And a time to insert your dibber.

It comes to all of us. What does?

Being turfed out, Gary. Being told to turn in your accoutrements.

He's been retired, Gary.

25 years.

Come by in a flash.

I didn't realise until the sergeant inquired after me inside leg.

What are you using the uniform, Gary? Oh.

Waist knot, want knot.

I think they'd have asked me to stay on if it wasn't for the impetigo.

I thought all that had cleared up. Didn't they top and tail you with blue

Oh, I'm all right. But several of the lads are off with it. Well, not several,

quite a few.

The sergeant said I'd done more to bring Stephanie Green Neck to its knees than

the entire might of the Luftwaffe.

I don't think that was meant as a compliment, Reg.

Oh, no.

Anyway, me time's up. I was really quite upset.

Sergeant was upset. All the lads down the station are upset. Well, those that

aren't. Feeling blue.

Of course, they're trying not to let me see they're upset.

Smiling a lot, are they?

Smiling, laughing, joking.

Doing their best to create a jolly atmosphere.

But choking back the tears, I shouldn't wonder.

Gary, I was wondering, would you be prepared to have a little tinkle at my

My leaving do.

Barrel of beer, Margie's spam rolls, you and a Joanna.

Oh, playing the... Yes, yes, that's it. Of course, I'll be there. Thanks, son.

It's a kick up the bum.

Yeah, well, he doesn't know that.

No, I've been kicked out of the Royal Oak.

It's hard to think about it, Gary, and the thing is, I agree with you.

It'll be arranged, of course it will. But they say the war will be over soon.

It's time for a new start.

Yes, right.

California.

What? California, Gary.

You had a great life there before the war, didn't you?

Hollywood stars singing you songs, money rolling in. Why stay here when we can

have all the things they've got over there?

Yeah, well, Phoebe, it's a big decision.

I mean, it's a different way of life over there.

Mm, steak.

I'm whiskey sour.

I'm going to a drive -in and toasting marshmallows on the beach.

All your friends are here?

We'd have your friends.

Bruce and Demi.

Tom and Nicole.

Yes, Phoebe, I know that. Bill and Monica.

Yes, Phoebe.

You see, Hollywood has its drawbacks.

I mean, you try and lay your hand on a plate of whelks or a pig's trotter.

That's the old life, Gary. We'd be starting a new life. Me and you and

Michael.

I mean, when we've finally done for Adolf Hitler, there's nothing to keep

is there?

What have we got to lose?

Ron?

Is someone there?

Help me, I'm stuck. Who is it?

Um, it's Gary. Gary, great. For God's sake, help. I'm a prisoner in my own

fraud.

Hold on. Do you want to get it on or get it off?

Well, I heard that before.

Well, let's just... Sorry.

No,

can I just get you onto the light? Oh, get on with it. I can't sit like this

day.

Ah,

yep, I can see it's just caught there. Yep, got it. Ow! Oh, sorry, sorry,

There, there we are.

Gary didn't know whether to go up or down.

No, she had the dress caught on her head, and it's not how it feels. Not how

looks. I saw that, Gary.

I saw everything, fortunately, for you.

Oh, I just wondered if you fancied going down to the pub for a spot of lunch and

a bit of a chat.

And I can see you're still on your way back from a good night out.

I was moving Flick's car, Gary, to make room for the team that will shortly be

arriving from High Magazine.

Ron and Flick in Ron's delightful Mayfair home.

If the little chat involves solving your marital problems, past and present...

Oh, my life is in turmoil. Could you sit there, mate? Sorry.

I spend a week trying to sort things out with Evolve. Definitely an uphill

struggle, right? Then I get back to 1944 to discover that Reg is being retired,

the brewery have given us notice, oh, and Phoebe has decided that after the

we should start a new life in California.

Sorry, Gary, I'm under orders from Flick to do a little placement of the objet d

'art before the high guys arrive. So the agony and session will have to wait.

What is that?

That, Gary, is a new work by one of our most exciting young artists.

Next to this guy, Damien Hirst looks like Jeff Hirst.

And what's it called, 20 Dead Hamsters?

No, it's called...

Tears before bedtime.

But what is it?

It's 20 dead hamsters.

Look, Gary, make Yvonne your priority. That's my advice, first things first.

After all, you don't have to worry about California till V -Day.

California, Gary. That's where the action is.

Well, I've been saying it for some time, and I think he's right.

I mean, it's all very well setting up Nature Boy franchises all over the

but we need to be over there running things.

It's a happening place, Gary.

But things won't happen unless I happen to be there to help them happen. Help

them happen for me.

Possibly for us.

Move? Move to California?

Exactly.

How?

Well, I considered holographic projection.

And cloning. But I finally came down in favour of getting on an aeroplane.

Just leave everything behind?

Well, now you mention it, Gary, I will be leaving a little bit of myself

Look at these.

If what?

These are pictures of you with no clothes on.

You're naked all over, especially the bits that matter.

The Millennium Dome experience includes a tour around a gigantic Perspex

sculpture of a man and woman fused together.

I have been modelling the female parts.

Oh, my, look at these pictures. You've been modelling all the female parts.

Look, just a minute.

What do you mean, fused together?

Fused where, exactly?

Yvonne, have you been doing a bit of fusing on the side?

Oh, you're such a philistine.

The fusing is in the mind of the artist.

Gary, people will walk up me on an educational voyage of discovery.

And just how will they get in, Yvonne? Answer me that.

There's to be a non -specific aperture.

How can you do that?

How can you stand there, 130 feet high, stark naked, with people standing inside

your tit saying, I can see my house from here?

It's all right, darling. They've gone.

Thank God for that.

Seven hours and nothing on the table but plastic grouse and wax fruit.

You can't be afraid without being bored, darling. We all have to do it.

Parties and gallery openings and film premieres, appearing in glossy

Everyone's fed up to the tattlers.

It's the price you pay.

For what?

Well, amongst other things, getting designer discounts.

In fact, it's late -night shopping in Knightsbridge. I thought a little retail

therapy might be a pleasant distraction.

I thought we could ring out for a pizza.

Shopping makes me sexy, you know.

Does it?

Well, spend, spend, spend.

It's worse, Ron. It's getting worse. Things are getting worse.

Things no better, then.

Yvonne wants to go to California.

I thought that was Phoebe. Phoebe and Yvonne.

Phoebe in pursuit of a new life, Yvonne in pursuit of new money.

Well, that's OK. Then you'll all be in California.

There's no time portal in downtown L .A.

Commute.

Commute, yeah.

Say goodbye to Phoebe in Los Angeles, 1945.

Fly to England on a propeller -driven crate that makes four stops, get to the

East End, pop through to the present day, cab it to Heathrow, get on the

arrive in Los Angeles in time to say hello to Yvonne and then start the

journey.

I didn't say it would be easy.

Look, talk them out of it. Find a way.

Offer them an alternative.

Distract them.

Women are very easily distracted, I find.

An alternative?

Yeah.

Yeah, you might be on to something there.

A new start.

You know, that just might work.

I don't

know, Gary.

Nightclub. It's a lot different to a pub.

No cribbage? No spitting on the floor?

Well, a pint of wallop and a knees up against a singer and a... What's the

with a cherry in it?

Well, you think you'd have a singer, do you?

Little stage over there.

Piano. There is a singer.

Terrific girl.

Knows all the numbers. You could probably keep her on.

Hey, that's an idea.

She's good, is she? Ah, the punter's a lover.

Oh, sounds perfect.

Noel Coward said he comes here all the time.

I told him we were on the lookout. He couldn't recommend this place highly

enough. He says it's a gold mine.

Can we afford it, Gary?

Well, we'd be renting it, you see, not buying. And you'd be stealing it from

If I didn't have to make a quick agreement, I'd be holding out for a

price. Yes, Noel said you were in a hurry.

Why do you want to make such a quick deal?

Jazz club up for grabs in Soho.

Surrounded by bookies, runners, under -the -counter magazine shops and cheap

tarts. All the posh punters get down there.

You could call it Bonnie Scott's.

Is this microphone on?

I'll give it a try.

Blue moon You saw me standing alone

Without a dream in my heart

Take it on until the war's over, you mean.

Before we move to California.

Well, just... Think it over. Stay and have another look round.

It's Reggie's leaving due.

He's at the church hall.

Well, I'll go now. You come along later. Reg won't mind. There'll be plenty of

people.

Gary?

I suppose I could be the singer, couldn't I?

You?

Well, yeah, I suppose you could.

I hadn't really thought of that.

I'd written a little speech.

Bit of a waste.

Looks like they've got the night wrong.

It's a long time, 25 years.

It's very nearly a quarter of a century.

Still, Margie'd be along as soon as next door come round to look after little

Frankie.

She'd be a bit disappointed, I suspect.

What with all the food going, begging.

Shame, innit, about them getting the night wrong.

It's probably the impetigo, Reg.

They're all not sickly.

Yeah, that's right. That beer. Of course it will.

What are you drinking, Reg?

Old and mild.

Fancy a drop of Scott?

Yeah, wouldn't mind.

Do you fancy a Spam roll?

No.

I'd love one.

Cool. Well, let's hear it then.

What?

Your speech.

Anna

Catherine,

as I am, to public speaking, it falls to me to thank you all.

Thank you for coming here to wish me well in my retirement.

They say a policeman's lot is not a happy one.

Well, I cannot comment on this, because I've never had a lot.

That's a bit of a joke.

Right, Jim.

It affects a lot of friends.

So, it only remains for me to say thank you for this handsome present of...

Well, pocket watch is what they generally give.

And say three cheers for the king.

Hip hip.

Hooray. Hip hip.

Hooray. Hip hip.

Hooray.

Shall we do one for his knob?

That's your knees up, Reg?

No. Oh, come on.

You and me, eh?

Bottoms up.

Yeah, bottoms up.

You put your left arm out, your left arm in, your left arm out and you shake it

all about.

You do the doggie doggie and you turn.

We can't go.

Beverly Hills, the Royal Oak. Me, stranded between the past and the

If I told you the truth, you wouldn't believe me. Try me.

What were you doing down there?

Hearing.

The Royal Oak, the past and the present. I wouldn't believe the truth.

Why not?

Well, because... All right.

The truth is... The truth is that... You want the truth?

I... I can't leave here.

Because Britain is where I was born.

I'm British, Yvonne. British through and through. British from back to front.

British from nose to toes.

British feet, Yvonne.

British ankles, British shins... Very patriotic, Gary.

The past and the present. What did you mean by that?

Er... America.

America and Britain. Look at the difference.

America, all space -age and biotechnical.

And Britain with its proud history and traditions. And I love those traditions,

Yvonne, because I am British.

British heart, Yvonne.

British liver.

British kidneys.

Skip the mixed grill, Gary.

How about the roll oak?

British symbol.

Symbol of Britain.

King Charles, up a tree. Roundheads searching everywhere. Could they find

No.

British ingenuity, Yvonne. British pluck.

Gary! British oak tree know -how. So you'd be homesick. I get the message.

But there's no need to panic. I was just going for a weekend.

Just a recce.

But right now I am needed for an emergency sitting by the milled -on

Apparently it's a matter of where they stick the turnstile.

Yvonne, we have to talk.

I'll be back by seven.

Oh, you'll be proud of me when it's finished.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

As the millennium is rung in across the land, my wife's naked body will be

available to anyone with the price of admission.

Oh, I'll certainly be standing in line for the official opening.

It is a great honour. They could have chosen Naomi Campbell, Kate Moss, but

chose me.

Well, they're expecting a lot of visitors wanting to allow for maximum

Jokes like that are not the best route out of the spare room, Gary.

Afternoon. Afternoon, Gary, lad.

Sergeant Commissioner Reginald Dedman, late of the Metropolitan Police Force.

A vacancy occurred.

Well, Reg, you're the perfect man for a vacancy.

Message for Mr Number 27.

Mrs Number 27 is down at Blue Door Club getting things ready for this evening.

Wants you to meet her there at eight o 'clock.

Right, thanks.

Wait a minute.

Sergeant Deadman.

Police Constable Deadman, as was, now becomes Sergeant Commissioner.

Promotion resulting from the fact that the stripes come with the uniform, the

uniform comes with the job, stripes are very firmly attached to the sleeve, and

the sleeve's very firmly attached to the uniform.

And you're very firmly attached to the stripes.

I'll put in for it as soon as I heard about being retired.

The previous Sergeant Commissioner can no longer soldier on, thanks to emeroids

and work.

Phoebe never said anything to me.

Phoebe wouldn't talk about emeralds.

Hi. Hi.

Look, things about California you may not have fully considered.

There's no proper football.

It's state law that you have to be on a diet.

Mickey Mouse lives just down the road.

You say tomato, but they say tomato. Let's call the whole thing off. Well,

there's nothing to get up to. I'm not upset.

I just don't want to spend the rest of my life amongst people who have to go

into analysis because they've had a bad manicure.

Look, take your coat off. I've got another bottle of nice. We'll talk this

through.

What?

I can't stop. I've just popped back to change.

The Mildom think tank want me to join them for tapas.

Yvonne, you said we could talk about California, about the rest of our lives.

There's been an urgent rethink on the Perspex, Yvonne.

They've had a look at the back elevation and they're thinking of slipping in a

donking doughnut.

Oh, I wish you hadn't told me that.

I'm needed to model new positions, so I couldn't possibly think about setting up

Nature Boy in California.

You couldn't?

Well, not for at least a week.

saying a prayer for someone I really could care

for.

Evening, Gary Ladd.

Phoebe's idea, help out behind a bar, chuck out any troublemakers, make sure

it's members only.

Sergeant Commissioner, barman and bouncer, eh?

I'm stretching me potential.

Are you?

Perhaps that uniform needs letting out.

You!

First night under new management, eh?

How's it going?

Gary, it's wonderful.

Lots of customers, all drinking cocktails at two and six ago.

And you seem to like me.

I knew it would work out.

A new life, eh?

Feels a little bit strange, though. No pub.

No. Still got Reg, though.

I need help here.

You need help, but you gave the job to Reg anyway.

He needs to be kept busy. First day of his retirement, he set about fixing a

leaky tap.

In the end, he and Margie had to swim for it.

I'll do another number, then we'll try one of those half -dollar cocktails.

Yeah. Harvey Warbaker?

No, nothing.

She seems happy.

Yeah, yeah, she's really at home here.

Not missing the Royal Oak too much.

And hasn't mentioned California either.

Now, to finish with, a song composed by my husband, Gary Sparrow.

The sky is gray.