Original subtitles

Good night, sweetheart.

All my prayers are for you. Good night,

sweetheart. I'll be watching over you.

Tears and parting may make us alone.

But with the dawn, a new day is born.

Ignorant pig.

Hooray, she's talking to me again.

So you think it's funny, do you?

OK, I'm sorry. Sorry, just put the glass down, Yvonne. Oh, if I start throwing

things, it won't be this glass, it'll be a knife.

I don't know why you're so upset.

It's your own fault. I told you I didn't want to go to your stupid Labour Party

lunch. Well, then why didn't you just sit at your table and be your usual

unsociable self instead of asking Mandelson if his favourite film was Home

Lone?

You've got to laugh.

Only an embarrassed... How did that... crack -getting -here sort of laugh.

Well, don't worry. Tony and Cherie won't cross you off their Christmas card

list.

Since their celebrity friends have run for cover, they're grateful for anyone

who wandered around to number ten for a Diet Coke and a Twiglet.

You know, you ought to wake up and smell your little red rose, Yvonne, because

this love affair you are having with New Labour is just naff, naff, naff.

It is not naff to have a personal relationship with the Prime Minister and

First Lady.

First Lady?

Oh, forget I said that. It's not official yet.

God, I am so tired of this.

All we seem to do now is bicker, bicker, bicker about everything.

I thought when we decided to move, we'd be happier.

We decided... Oh, now, that's a lot.

What now?

I had no say in us moving here.

You agreed we should look for a new place?

Yes. And you agreed we should look for somewhere along the river?

Yes. And you agreed on a luxury penthouse?

Yes.

So we moved!

This is luxury. That is the river. What is your problem?

You only asked me out of politeness.

Pardon? Well, come on, my opinions didn't really matter, did they? Because

your money that's paying for everything.

Oh, I get it. Your male ego's bruised. Bruised?

When we moved, you locked up the old house with me in it.

You got five miles down the road before one of the removal men asked you what

had happened to the tall, wiry bloke.

He didn't call you wiry, he called you skinny. I'll remember it the way I want

to, thanks.

I didn't forget you, I just mislaid you. I thought you'd gone ahead.

That was the yucker.

I'm just admitted, Yvonne, I don't count for anything.

God, you sound bitter.

Isn't the real reason the fact that you never liked me being successful?

You just want me to be the little woman stuck at home, dependent... upon you for

everything. That's rubbish.

You're jealous.

I'm not jealous. I just don't fit in with you and your whole superficial

lifestyle. Anything else?

No, but give me a couple of seconds and I'll think of something. Is that how you

really feel? Pretty much.

I can't take much more of this.

We have drifted so far apart, you know.

Yeah.

Yeah, I suppose we have.

We don't share anything anymore.

Politics.

Sense of humour?

Mealtimes? You miss sex?

Oh, no, I haven't.

Thanks very much.

I think it'd be better if you just go.

Well, there's no point in opening the shop now.

No, I mean, pack your bags and clear off.

You're chucking me out?

Yeah, I am.

It's gone septic.

What has?

My shrapnel wound.

In potigo, the doc says.

Why is it blue?

I painted it with gentian violet.

Dries up the sores.

Is it painful?

Not as bad as this end.

You painted that as well?

Yep, I'm topped and bottomed. I hope he's not catching.

And he goes away on one of his missions to God knows when, so I need your help

behind the bar.

So long as I keep the lesions covered, the doc says, I'm no more danger to the

public than usual.

Put your balaclava back on, eh?

Saw Mrs Bloss up for surgery. She was in there with her feet.

Suppose the old witch was spreading gossip as usual. She was telling me

Billy Moffat. I'm not interested in her tittle -tattle, Rach.

Apparently he's left Alice.

You're joking.

Done a flick with that brassy article, run the wet fish store.

Dirty Dory?

Her crabs are always better dressed than her.

Been carrying on for the best part of two years, apparently.

And Alice never suspected.

She eventually got wind of it when he come home smelling a mackerel where he

oughtn't.

So she followed him, caught them at it.

Next thing, Billy's off down the road with Doris, two stone escape wings and a

lump on his head from Alice's rolling pin.

Billy Moffat, eh? I know.

Such a level -headed chap. Well, we say it's always the quiet one, but he was

doing it right under our nose. Well, with him working up the war ministry, he

had to do lots of overtime, secret stuff he couldn't tell Alice about.

So naturally, when he wanted to go canoodling... Oh,

right. Of course, that led Mrs Bloss onto your Gary.

What about Gary? Well, you know what she's like. She started going on about

he's the same, how he's always away, how there's no smoke without fire.

Evil -minded old bat.

Don't you worry. I put her straight. I said, although, when you think about it,

it does go off an awful lot. Never says where he's going, what he's doing, or

when he's coming back. It don't necessarily follow that he's lying and

good.

No. No, it doesn't.

Besides... I said, just because the rest of us are kept in the dark, I'm sure

Gary always tips his wife a wink about what's going on.

Danny?

Yeah, yeah, of course he does.

Ignore it.

Um, I did not... Hello.

What are you doing here?

That key's for emergencies only. Sorry, I can see it's a bad time. Well, it was

a very good time until you arrived.

So, if you wouldn't mind... No, no, Ron. Ron! Ron!

You don't understand.

I've had a butt -stop with Yvonne. My marriage could be over.

So, you've got another one. Ron!

Look. For the first time since Camilla Parker Bowles was allowed out in

daylight, I've got a woman who is neither imaginary, inflatable or on an

rate.

Who is she?

A neighbour who's after a lot more than a cup of sugar.

Now, I'm sorry you've had her out. No, more than her out.

She's chucked me out.

Oh. I see.

So, go to Phoebe's. I can't. I told Yvonne I was coming here, so I need to

here when she calls me asking me to go home.

I thought you said it was over.

Well, she overreacted, didn't she?

Give her half an hour to calm down, she'll be straight on her phone.

Everything OK, Ronnie?

Fine.

Ronnie?

There's nothing wrong with that.

Come in.

Flick? Gary, Gary Flick.

Gary's an old mate.

Needs to stay for a while. Bit of domestic trouble.

Just a misunderstanding.

Oh, nice to meet you, Gary.

So, old mate, eh?

Go back a long way, do you?

Well... Yeah, I suppose we do have been knocking around together once. You don't

mind?

You'll have to forgive him, Gary. He was hoping to be putting Rover in the

kennel about now.

Oh, right.

So tell me, what do you do?

I deal in wartime memorabilia. Oh, dull.

I'd like a glass of champagne.

She's great, isn't she? I'm still waiting to be impressed.

So what do you do, Flick?

Oh, Lady of Leisure, darling.

That is loaded. Made a fortune selling refrigerators in the 70s. It was the

original fridge magnet.

Probably why I've got such a big thing about self -made men.

This one's warm. I'm going to pop next door and get another bottle.

Um, why was she stroking your shoulder, then?

The only thing self -made about you is your bed.

What have you told her?

The truth.

That you work in a printing firm?

No, not that truth. A different truth.

She thinks the firm's yours, doesn't she?

Not just the firm.

I've got an empire.

I've got a forest in Scotland, a string of racehorses, tram me a football club,

KFC. What team's that?

No, KFC, as in Colonel Sanders.

Fast food's a growth industry.

I thought I should be in it. Oh, you're in it, all right. Look, this bird's part

of your social elite.

She's been in OK, 15 editions on the trot. Her friends own 90 % of the

I'm totally believable.

If she knew I lived in a luxurious Mayfair apartment because it was bought

during the war for the price of a small Gucci handbag, I'd be chucked quicker

than last season's Prada.

That's a designer label.

She's taught me a lot.

You are living in a house of cards.

A house of credit cards.

So says 007, writer of the Beatles' back catalogue.

Well, John, Paul, George and Ringo can hardly walk into the Royal Oak 1944 and

catch me, can they? Hang on.

Ronnie, some of the gang are dropping over to see the Pyramids this weekend.

Charlotte says it'll be a hoot.

Sounds fab.

We could take Concord overnight in Athens and still be back for martinis in

Met Bar by Sunday lunch.

Perfect. Oh, what am I saying? I can't.

Got to give a lecture to the CBI all day Saturday.

Oh, shame.

Lottie, can't see happening this weekend, Petal, but maybe if we

You see?

Anything you can do?

You burk. You're going to get caught.

I think I'd like you to go now.

I can't. I'm waiting for Yvonne.

Well, ring her.

Hi,

Yvonne. It's me.

Yeah, well, you know, I said a lot of things. I shouldn't have said that.

Yeah, well, that's what happens when you have a silly argument.

Gav! Hold on a minute. Do you mind talking to the wife?

Sorry, Mother, I was just asking Ron to shut up.

Gary, I'm sitting a foot away from you.

I heard her swear and hang up the phone.

Face it, mate.

She's not interested.

Glass of champagne, Gary?

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were a burglar. It's OK.

It's OK.

I should be able to recognise you from behind in the dark.

I'm sure you'd know me.

Yeah, but I get more practice.

What were you doing down here?

Just thinking.

I wasn't expecting you back for a couple of days yet.

Oh, listen to me.

Sounds like I'm complaining.

I'm so glad to have you home.

Nice to hear someone say that.

Bad day?

What's the problem? Maybe I can help.

Oh, it's just work, you know.

No, I don't, actually.

You never tell me anything about what you're doing lately.

Well, I can't, can I? It's all classified.

All of it?

Look, Phoebe, it's very late. I'm very tired. We'll talk about it in the

morning. OK.

OK.

Rich, why are you wearing your balaclava indoors?

Me head's painted blue.

Yes, of course it is.

Gary, can we talk about... Yeah, not now. Got to go up.

Where? Work.

But you only got back late last night. I need to jump you behind the bar this

dinner time.

See, I'm due at the doctor's for another coat.

Oh, sorry. No, I've got to go in. Bit of a flap on.

What sort of flap, exactly?

Oh, I can't tell you.

Convenient, that, isn't it?

What do you mean?

Well, it's what you always say.

Last night, you said we'd talk about your work.

Yeah, well, you know, it's... Why are you suddenly so interested?

Why are you being so cagey?

I'm not being cagey. I'm being secretive. That's what secret agents do.

Well, I feel that as your wife, I've got a right to know a little bit more than

you've been telling me. I tell you what I can.

Well, it's not enough.

All right, all right, if that's what you want.

Only we're going to have to do it later, all right?

Look, I'm sorry, but I've got a lot on my mind at the moment, Yvonne.

Phoebe.

So he don't actually tell you any more than he tells the rest of us, then?

No, not normally, Reg.

He's just told me a lot more than he bargained for.

Bloody Yvonne!

Don't get yourself in her tears.

She's just that boss of his, isn't she?

Well, he wouldn't be the first person to have an affair with someone he works

with. Gary's not having an affair. He's not the sort.

He's such a level -headed chap.

That's what you said about Billy Moffat. Right.

I'll prove it to you.

I'll follow him.

I am a trained policeman versed in the arts of detection.

He won't shake me off.

Lost him.

I guess he's bought that schoolmistress's outfit.

So if you're a naughty boy when I get home, I'm going to... And how next would

you like to invade my privacy?

A rummage through my pants drawer?

That would be seen as an alternative to prison in some countries.

No, I'm sorry, I just thought it might be a message from Yvonne. Oh, I see, it

was the hi, Ronnie, it's Flick that misled you, was it? OK, sorry, sorry.

Schoolmistress, eh?

So it's not just the size of her bank account that's obscene?

Is there something you want before I throw you out?

Yeah. Has Yvonne called at all?

No.

I'm getting worried, Ron.

I'm really beginning to think she's chucked me out for good.

Look, she'll get over it.

You know women, it takes them longer to do everything.

Have orgasms, go shopping, appreciate the artistic qualities of the daily

Just the thought of losing her floors me, you know.

And I had no right to say the things I did. All right, so bits of her lifestyle

are irritating, but I'm sure there are things in my life that would annoy her.

Your other wife being the obvious candidate.

No, things aren't going too well on that front, either.

Phoebe started getting suspicious about my life as a spy.

Oh, and accidentally calling her Yvonne isn't going to help, is it? Only in

getting you castrated.

Terrible thing to do.

But it just goes to show how much Yvonne has been on my mind lately.

You know, in six years as an adulterer, three of those as a bigamist, I have

never got them mixed up before.

I wouldn't expect too much credit for that.

Have you got a plan?

Well, as far as Yvonne's concerned, I thought I'd go round there on some

and then grovel.

And is that it?

No, no, no, no, no. I shall also bootlick, bow, scrape, cringe and crawl.

Not a good idea!

Well, it's worked in the past.

It's vital you retain your dignity.

Women like a man to be a man.

Hello.

Yes, teacher.

No, teacher.

I have to leave now.

I've got detention.

What do you want?

Um, just came to pick up some clothes, that's all.

Fine.

You all right?

Just get your clothes and go, please.

Oh, come on, Yvonne, you can drop the act. You're as upset as I am. Oh, what

makes you think that?

Because I know you. Because I know you will sit here agonising on your own

and... Yvonne!

Who the bloody hell is this?

Gary, this is Roberto.

Roberto, this is Gary.

Ah, buongiorno, Gary.

Yvonne, put the vehicle goes the beer.

Si, c 'è una birra nel friggio. Grazie.

Prego.

Close your mouth, Gary.

Roberto is my interior designer.

He did the company offices, so I thought I'd bring him in here to brighten this

place up.

Oh, and doesn't he just?

What?

What's going on?

And when did you start speaking foreign languages?

Nature Boy's setting up in Milan, so I thought it'd be best to pick up a little

Italian. And then I thought, no, if you're going to have an Italian, have a

one.

No, no, no, I'm not happy about this.

It's none of your business. We're separated.

No, we're not.

Yes, we are. And if you'll excuse us, we are going out.

Where? Drinks at Number 10.

Are you never out of that place?

Number 10, two floors down.

John and Norma.

Just a coincidence.

You are taking him to our neighbour's party? Yeah.

Over my dead body?

If you like, Roberto is two times European karate champion.

He'd bone you like a chicken.

Excuse me.

Steena News from Italy. The Canadians are taking Rimini.

Bully for them.

Gary Beck?

Upstairs. He crept in late last night when he knew I'd be asleep.

He's avoiding me.

Oh, Phoebe.

I've been a fool, Reg.

Believing that every time he was away from me, we was working.

I bet half of it was just an excuse to be with her.

It's Billy Moffat all over again.

Oh, morning.

Heard the news.

Canadians attacked Rimini.

Yeah, well, you didn't expect the Italians to put up much of a fight, did

Bunch of Nancy boys.

Probably too concerned, combing their hair, ready to pinch other blokes'

It was the Germans defending Rimini, actually, Gary. The Italian army

surrendered ages ago.

Yes, yes, so they did. Well, just proves my point, doesn't it?

Smarmy, cowardly. Good lovers, by all accounts.

What? That's what they say, isn't it?

I can believe it. Those smouldering Latin looks.

Right, I've got to go out.

Another flap on, is there?

Yeah, sort of.

Just admit it.

You're off to see your bit on the side.

What? Don't you play the innocent with me.

I don't have to smell mackerel to know there's something fishy going on.

I've guessed all about you and that boss of yours, Yvonne.

Is this because I got your names mixed up?

Well, that is ridiculous.

Tell her, Reg.

She won't listen to me, son.

Oh, all right, no, I do, I admit. I've been a bit preoccupied recently, but

that's because I've had problems.

We've all got problems, Gary.

Reg, you stood there with a blue head and a blue arse, but you don't hear him

complaining.

No, Phoebe, you must believe me. You've got this wrong.

I'd really like to believe you, Gary.

OK, OK.

Well, you want to know what I've been doing at work, and I will tell you.

Um...

Now, I could be shot for what I'm about to say to you, but for the sake of our

marriage, I'm just going to trust you.

That's how much you mean to me, Phoebe.

Oh, wow.

Now, I do admit that I've been thinking a lot about Yvonne lately, and there's a

very good reason for that.

She's been kidnapped.

At this moment, she's being held by a particularly nasty renegade Italian

who goes by the name of Roberto.

why he was having such a dig at the artis a minute ago.

Precisely right. I'm afraid I've taken this very personally.

I think about what he could be doing to her right now.

I cannot be sure you're telling me the truth.

Do you think I could make something like this up?

But if you like, I can give you a number to ring and check what I've said, but

that'll be me up against the wall in front of a firing squad.

You're going to have to trust me, Phoebe, the way I've just trusted you.

Can I help her?

It's where I'm going now.

Try and get her back.

I'm so sorry.

Never doubt it, Phoebe. You're the one that I want.

The one I need.

Oh, yes, indeed.

This place is all right, isn't it?

Look, look.

There's Eric Clapton.

He got the nickname Slow Andy. He had that middle finger up before I could

blink.

Let's flick.

She'll be here.

Oh, see!

You could buy a small country for the price of some of these starters.

Oh, don't worry. Like I said, it's all on me.

Why?

Well, I was just wondering if... Stop. No flannel. I know you, Sparrow. You

something.

I want to hire your girlfriend.

Now, let me explain.

Just while we're in the restaurant.

Yvonne's due in here, you see, and I want her to think that me and Flick are

item. Flick won't even know.

All I have to do is put my hand on her arm a few times, laugh loudly at her

jokes, maybe kiss.

All right, no kissing.

There's a lot in this for you too, you know.

Flick gets a meal in a flash restaurant with zero damage to your bank balance.

I mean, let's slam it tonight, darling, and get a pizza in. Must be wearing a

bit thin.

I take it the point of all this is to get Yvonne jealous?

Well, I can't let that Italian medallion just waltz off with her.

I've got to strike a blow for British manhood. Show these foreigners they

come over here nicking our women and pushing over our referees.

Hi, Ronnie.

Hello, darling.

Gary. Oh, Fab, there's Eric.

Do you want to come over and say hello?

No, that's all right. We've sort of already been introduced.

Won't be long.

Eric.

So, are we on or what?

I feel like a pimp.

But I'm sure that'll pass.

All right, then.

But wouldn't it be the manly thing just to go round to yours, give Macy a slap

and chuck him out on his ear?

I like to think I'm a little more civilised than that.

Big, is he? Oh, yeah.

Oh, this is very nice.

So sweet of you to take us out to dinner, Gary, but Ronnie's the one who

really be splashing out.

That Ronaldo guy scored a hat -trick last night.

Doubles his value, they say.

I'm sorry, I don't follow.

How didn't you know? Ronnie owns him.

Only 25%. She tends to exaggerate.

Good job you're so firmly rooted in reality then, eh, Ronnie?

Let's order, shall we?

Oh, fantastic idea, Flick.

We could look at the wine list first. Don't!

Brilliant, yes, you are so clever.

Perfectionate tonight, Gary.

Oh, wow, major boy -babe alert.

Suddenly I see the size of your problem.

That's Gary's wife he's with.

You mean ex -wife?

No. Give it a month.

Look, look, that is it.

Do you think there'll be a fight?

Not a long one.

Yvonne!

Surprised to see you here.

No, you're not. You rang my office today to find out exactly where I was going

to be.

Just wanted to show off your new girlfriend, did you? Very childish.

So what do you call flaunting him, then? Yvonne. No, you just stay out of this,

you. No, scusi.

You know, it's a shame you can't speak English, because then I can tell you

a continental ponce you are.

I think you'll find, Gary, that ponce is sort of universal.

Are you sure he's a karate champion?

I've seen his medals.

OK, tell him I've got brittle bones. I'll try and look sickly.

Roberto, dammi cinque minuti, por favor.

Si. Ma solo per te.

Sit.

I wasn't really scared.

I just didn't want to make a fuss.

What are you doing here?

I want you back.

I love you. Oh, shut up.

Have you got any idea how bloody angry I am with you?

Those things you said really hurt me. I know. I'm sorry.

It was only because I thought I was losing you.

Oh, come off it. Well, I wasn't wrong, was I? I mean, here you are with

Roberto is just my decorator and you're a jealous git. Well, I'm only jealous

because I care.

Just using him to get back at me, are you?

I'm not using anybody. I'm just having a few laughs. OK, I'm sorry.

Yvonne, please don't let this bliss us up.

Look, I don't care about the Italian.

Even if you had been unfaithful, you'd have found me surprisingly

Oh, because of your bit on the side, you mean?

Flick! No, no, no, no, she's not with me. She's with Ron.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Even if she's blind, she must have a sense of smell.

No, Yvonne, honestly.

Yeah, I know.

I saw their picture in the mail under the headline, Who is Flick's mystery

They want to know who. I want to know why.

Yeah, it's a long story.

Shall we go home? I'll tell you there.

Oh, come on. You must at least want to try and sort this out.

Right at this moment, Gary, I don't honestly know if I do. No, no, no, you

mean that.

Look, I know I shouldn't have said the things I did. Please, Yvonne.

You have got a lot of making up to do. I know, I know.

Which can start when you join me on a long weekend for new labour movers and

shakers.

Where you will be the epitome of charm and good humour.

Looking forward to it already.

We'll have to drop Roberto off. Off the balcony?

Roberto, andiamo a casa adesso.

leaving. They?

Looks like tonight's on you after all.

Now we can really fish the boat out.

Great.

The tomato soup looks very good.

Good night, sweetheart.

Sleep will banish sorrow.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, sweetheart.