Original subtitles

Good night, sweetheart.

All my prayers are for you. Good night,

sweetheart. I'll be watching over you.

Tears and parting may make us alone.

But with the coming a new day.

And here we are, back in the living space, which is the front room to normal

people.

I love your new home, Yvonne.

A balcony indoors, that's class, that is. You don't have to go out to hang up

your washing.

There is, Ron.

Excuse me.

So what's going on?

What do you mean?

Well, she's got the hump and you're in the spare room. I spotted your Baywatch

pyjamas tucked underneath the pillow.

The usual, isn't it?

Because I'm away a lot, Yvonne is saying I'm not properly committed to this

marriage. Strange thing to say to a bigamist.

Gary, that was Clive.

We've been invited to a party tonight.

Oh. What?

Um, why I was going out with Ron for a drink.

Well, I'm sure Ron wouldn't mind.

No, of course I don't mind.

Yvonne, this is my best mate. I can't let him down.

Fine.

Gary, go with Yvonne.

We can go for a drink any time. I'm not going for a drink with you. That was

just an excuse.

Phoebe's expecting me.

There's a nasty side to you, Sparrow.

I wish you didn't have to go back to work tonight.

Yeah, sorry.

Got to go in. Bit of trouble with the boss.

You know.

If only I could split myself in two, eh? Everything would be fine.

It's shocking out there.

My old tip ain't going to be much good in this.

Flipping rationing. Can't get a new one for love nor money.

Where's your umbrella, Gary? Oh, thanks, Rich.

Titchy little thing, isn't it? Mm.

It's automatic.

Wait a second.

Well, you just push a button on the handle.

What? Oh, this one. Oh!

Well, I... I never. What will they think of next?

Will you be careful?

I want more children.

Not right now.

Night, Barry. I'm here.

Sir.

Wrong. All right?

Very frosty. Stick a pair of kippers up a jumper, they'd stay fresh for a

fortnight.

And what a shocking waste it is, too. I mean, fit or what?

You know, three times I tried her bedroom door last night.

Locked every time.

That girl is right at the top of my to -do list, if you get my meaning.

Why have you turned into Jeremy Clarkson?

I just decided to lighten up.

Why has Yvonne got such a downer on me?

It's because up till now, I've been inconsiderate and dull.

But from here on in, there's a whole new me on the block.

Really? Oh, you have no idea.

From now on in, it's going to be fun, fun, fun.

Yvonne.

I am late for work.

I know.

I want to make it up to you.

Let me take you out to dinner tonight.

Our marriage is heading for disaster, and you think a pathetic gesture like

taking me for some indifferent bolognese in some tatty trattoria is going to fix

it?

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

Though it wasn't actually an Italian I had in mind.

I'd booked it on the 230 Eurostar. We'd arrive in Paris about six.

Spot a sightseeing, dinner at Maxim's, and then stay over.

I hadn't fixed a hotel. I thought it might be fun to take potluck.

Who knows?

We could end up snuggled together on the banks of the Seine under the moonlight.

But, like you say, pathetic gesture.

No, no, no, no, no. That is a very good gesture.

Meet you here at one?

Fine.

What? have you done to yourself?

Tell me, I want to do it to me.

I can't stop.

I'm off to a little pub, I know, where the beer is topped and take me a pint

the landlady fancies me.

I've got the best life or what.

Great, customers waiting.

Oh, right, yeah. Richard, Richard, Richard.

I told you the one about this bloke had a thing about service women, right? So

he started going out with a whack.

No, no, go on.

Well, you know what WAC stands for, don't you? Yeah, Women's Auxiliary. No,

no, no, no. Want a cuddle, right?

So now he's looking for a WAF.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's a bit near.

Great customers.

You ready, then?

What for?

Go upstairs. I told you I can't. I'm too busy.

I've been waiting all lunchtime.

Too bad.

What's got into you today?

You drank enough to float a battleship when you never normally drink during the

day.

You're obsessed with getting me upstairs for a bit of as your father, which is

something else you never normally do during the day. Oh, well, maybe I've

changed. Come on, let's go upstairs.

You're starting to annoy me now, Gary.

Are you?

Everything all right?

Yeah, fine, Rich.

Go, look at that. Should have been somewhere half an hour ago.

Well, that's the good thing about having two strings to your bow.

When one isn't playing... You can always pluck the other one.

I'm going to have to think about something to do with you, aren't I?

What do you fancy, eh?

A quick trip off a tall building?

A nice soak in a bath of acid?

Well, I'll make up my mind and let you know tomorrow.

If it's now, I'm taking everyone to dinner.

of him yet? No, an hour and a half I've been waiting with Mr Eurostar after all

of his promises and he doesn't give a toss about this bloody marriage.

You're late.

Oh, am I glad you said that. It means I've beaten him back here.

Where's Yvonne? She's upstairs and I'm warning you, she is on the verge of

storming out.

Excellent. What?

I've got to get rid of her before he gets here.

Before...

a bloody good excuse for standing me up.

Um, gas masks.

What? I had a delivery. Had to sort them out.

You ruined our trip to Paris for a load of smelly old rubber.

A trip to... Um, yeah, yeah. You must hate me. I know I would.

Just get out of my way.

What are you doing? I had to get rid of her.

Look, you've got to help me.

I've got a double. A duplicate.

There's two of me wrong.

What's the matter? Don't you believe me?

Strangely, no.

It's true. I have been cloned. You've lost it, mate.

It's all this flipping between time zones.

Housemates do the knees, tennis players the elbows.

You've got time travellers nuts.

What? How long do I have to do this for? Until you stop hyperventilating.

I don't think that'll be this sad in the next millennium.

You know, I reckon he's a temporal manifestation caused by you getting hit

lightning as you came through the time portal.

You're not expecting me to argue with that, are you?

My knowledge of physics starts and stops with the apple hitting Galileo on the

head. It was Newton.

All right, when Newton hit Galileo on the head.

I don't give a toss how it happened. I just want to know what to do next.

I mean, you must have had some suspicion that he wasn't me. No.

Looks -wise, he's an exact copy.

Well, what about in other ways?

I wasn't with him for long, but there was something.

I'd rather not say.

Ron, this could be important.

He was more fun.

You ask?

He left me tied up in a toilet.

He is not fun. He is pathologically evil.

And this could not happen at a worse time for me, the state of my marriage to

Yvonne being as bad as it is. Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. She seems to

prefer him as well.

Sorry.

Lively in here tonight?

It's a birthday party for one of the girls from the munitions factory.

Look, I'm sorry about this afternoon.

So you should be.

Well, it's your own fault for being so fanciful.

Well, I've got no plans for the rest of the evening, so I can wait until last

ordered.

Don't start again. I've been on my feet all day. There's still another four

hours to go.

The last thing I'm going to feel like I'm closing time is a roll in the hay.

Terry, will you give us one of your songs?

Yeah, no problem. You could do that one I like.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.

I tell you what, Reg, I'll do one you haven't heard before.

I think his usual stuff, but more of a melody.

I thought

you

were going to the shop.

Changed my mind.

Don't you dare look at me like that.

You've got no chance.

I'm going out again.

Help someone who gives a toss.

You know, if I didn't have to go... Yeah, what?

The sex pistols. Oh, yeah.

He followed that up with a rendition of Smack My Bitch Up.

Then got totally hammered and threw up in the snow.

Of course, I am the one who strolls in there in all innocence this morning and

gets it in the neck from Phoebe. So now both of my wives aren't talking to me.

He's a lad.

A lad?

Oh, yes, of course, I was forgetting.

Mate of yours, isn't he? A good laugh.

Don't be pathetic.

Will you understand that he is an evil aberration?

But he's...

I said you had a nasty side to you. It's just been brought to life.

He is no part of me. He is out to destroy me.

And what happens if Phoebe or Yvonne see us together?

How do I explain that away? An identical twin I forgot to mention?

That might work, mightn't it?

Oh. Oh, hi.

Why did you have to come wimping back and spoil it?

I mean, the way you kissed me and ran out just then.

My guess is he's on his way back to 1944.

And what exactly are we doing?

Trying to catch him, of course.

He can only be a couple of minutes ahead of us. She heard what he wanted. He

only just kissed her.

Bastard.

Where's my cup?

Heck, again?

You keep backwards and forwards like this, you'll make yourself go in.

All right, Reg, stupid question.

Are you saying that I just left? About five minutes ago.

Dammit. So what was the stupid question?

What was it? Oh, that's not stupid.

I'm always forgetting what I did five minutes ago.

Margie says I've got a memory like a... Oh, what's it known?

Oh, what are they called?

Fish. Gold -coloured.

Goldfish?

That's them.

Now, what were we talking about?

We finished, Reg.

Two nuns, eh?

What?

That joke you told me just now. I've got to say, Gary, you are becoming a bit of

a card lately. Everyone's noticed it.

Have they really?

You were certainly making Phoebe giggle upstairs just now.

What?

Thought you'd gone, lover boy.

Thanks again for this necklace.

Looks lovely, doesn't it?

Still. I bet you think it looked better 15 minutes ago and it was the only thing

I was wearing.

Gary?

Gary!

Come on!

Come, sweetheart.

What the hell? is going on. You told my secretary that there was a fire.

There is a fire.

Here.

I

don't

know where you learnt to do that, but... Now, where are we going?

Veteran. Oh, no, no, no.

Let's do it here.

What is it about me saying the other you was more fun?

Sorry, I thought that door was locked.

What are you doing with that?

You don't want to know.

What's happened? What's he done?

Well, let's just say he's taken a few more liberties than a man can tolerate

forced me to listen to them.

These liberties, would they involve... I don't want to talk about it. I

understand.

So where did you get the shooter?

1944.

Guns were about the only thing not on the ration during the war.

Do you know, this cost me two pounds of pork chops.

If I'd have thrown in some sirloin, I could have got a bazooka as well.

But you didn't want to raise the stake.

I know. I just thought a bazooka might look a little conspicuous under my

jacket.

I'm making jokes because I'm nervous.

I realise you're upset, but go in after him with a gun.

He is not a him. He is an it.

An unnatural, evil aberration who's already threatened to drop me in a bath

acid. And I tell you, he is not going to screw my... life up anymore.

Right. Take this hand grenade.

It's a key ring for the spare shop keys.

Lock up when you go.

All right, sir.

Brian. Here's your black tie and dinner jacket.

I usually save that for the saloon bar.

Have I forgotten something?

It's opening night of Richard III with Laurence Olivier.

Noel Coward invited us.

Are you sure you told me?

You took the phone call.

Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

Forgot. How could you?

You knew how excited I was.

And there's something else I want to have a word with you about.

One of the girls from the factory asked me to give you some money for the nylons

you got them.

What's going on?

You're selling your stuff on a black market now?

You're under arrest.

I'm sorry, Gary, but in my book, black marketeers are the scourge of the war

effort, them and the people who buy off them. Me and the law make no

distinction. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.

Fred, where did you get the new hat?

You sold it to me.

Flippin' heck.

I shall have to arrest meself now.

I'm supposed to be working here tonight.

I suppose I could let us both off with a stiff warning.

Watch it.

And you.

What is going on?

The way you're behaving lately, there's times when I feel I don't know you at

all.

It's complicated.

You're so cold and hard. We never talk anymore.

And you totally ignore little Michael.

He's like a stranger to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come here.

No.

You want me, you better start showing me first.

Now, there's a cab outside and I'm going to this play.

You can stay here and help Reg behind the bar.

Gary?

Gary?

What?

What? You went out that door with a gun.

No, I didn't. You did?

Well, how could I? I'm here.

I could have sworn.

That's your eyes playing tricks on you, Reg.

You need a drop of brandy.

In fact, I think I'll get myself a double.

You knew that lunatic had a gun and you didn't tell me? Well, I thought... was

you. You know, the real you.

Guns are hardly my style, are they, Ron? I suppose it was a bit too macho move

for you, but it was very convincing, the way he went on about the liberties that

had been taken with Yvonne. I don't want to talk about that. That's exactly what

he said in exactly the same way. How was I to know who he was talking to?

Well, we've got to get rid of him, and fast.

We? I'm not sure I want to be part of this. There's guns involved.

Well, you've got to help.

I can hardly go to the police, can I? What am I supposed to say to them?

Excuse me, officer, someone's trying to kill me. Oh, yes, and who would that be,

sir? Well, it's me, actually.

And then there's my Mayfair flat I'll let you live in.

What about it?

Oh, you don't think he's going to let you stay there, do you?

No, you'll be out in the streets when he turns that into his West End passion

parlour.

Let's get him.

That's him.

That's him coming back.

I'll be the bait. You hide. When he comes in, jump him.

You're lazy for me, are you?

You're more stupid than we look.

Rob, what are you doing? It's me. Let go.

Oh, no. You fooled me once.

Twice.

Oops.

You've just given a gun to a sociopathic replicant.

I don't think oops really covers it, do you?

Oh, don't be hard on him.

It wasn't too difficult to convince him I was you.

He didn't think you had the bottle to get yourself a gun.

Oh, so I'm with you as well as no fun. I'm surprised you put up with me.

You won't get away with this. What are you going to do?

I'll get rid of Gary, but ooh, Gary's still here.

That's a victimless crime.

Well, you'll understand if I don't see it that way.

You know, I seriously consider going 50 -50 with you.

Could have been the ultimate timeshare.

You in the past for a while, me in the present, then we switch.

Wouldn't have worked, though, would it?

Because we're too different.

Now, once you're out of the way, I'm going to really enjoy myself.

It's always amazed me how little you made of this time -travelling lark.

Just one bird in each era.

Scratching a living, selling bits of junk.

Oh, no.

I think I'm going to do me some tampering with history.

This time next week, every bird in the country is going to be buying her

knickers from Marks and Sparrow.

You can't. The repercussions.

Won't bother you, woosh boy, because you won't be around.

Sorry.

This time ain't big enough for the both of us.

Looks like I got here just in time.

What is going on here?

I mean, what is this? A Gary Sparrow convention?

Just how many more of you are there?

Half a dozen.

I'm joking.

And the last.

When the lightning struck, I was formed on the other side of the time portal.

So what have you been doing for the last three days?

Well, I was about to make myself known to you when a doodlebug landed a couple

of streets away, so naturally I pitched in with the emergency services.

I spent the last three days tirelessly digging through rubble with my bare

and no thought for my personal safety.

At last count, it was six people I'd rescued.

You're good, Gary, aren't you?

Any logical, really.

If there was a bad Gary, it stands to reason, it'd be a good one.

I'd always assume that was me.

The size of your ego never ceases to amaze me.

Of course, right.

With... Rugged good looks. I like you.

As well as being good, Gary, would you also be ever so slightly gay, Gary?

I don't do anything slightly.

You mean he's a poof?

No, thank you. Keep a civil tongue in your head.

Look, as much as I'm enjoying my own company, has anyone got any ideas how we

resolve this?

I do not want to spend the rest of my life as one of the Beverley sisters.

On the basis of what tour you were under ought to put you back together again.

If the three of you go through the time portal at the same time, chances are

you'll merge back into one.

Well, unless anyone's got Stephen Hawking's phone number, I say we give it

try.

I think we should hold hands.

I won't be coming.

Damn this war.

Let's get on with it, then.

Look,

I'll do a deal with you.

You let me go, I'll make you a rich man.

Rolls -Royce, forget it. How about Rolls -Royce?

Oh, no.

He'll throw me out of my flat.

Who says?

You did.

Oh, yeah, I did, didn't I?

Oh, thank God it worked.

Where did you spring from?

What are you doing out here on your own at this time of night?

I had a bit of an headache when I got back from the play.

Them first -night parties are all right, but being charming and sophisticated

and half -bleeding knackering.

Anyway, get lost.

I'm not talking to you.

Oh, no, Phoebe, look.

I'm really sorry about the way I've been behaving lately, and it won't happen

again, I promise.

How do I know that?

Because I... Because I've pulled myself together.

Give us another one of those kisses.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

No, no, no, no, no. Do it like you did before.

Look, Yvonne, we need to talk.

No, we can do that later.

No, listen, really.

The way I've been with you lately.

Exciting.

Passionate. Well, yeah, but surely not too different from the usual me.

Only, like, completely.

But I've been horrible to you.

Well, it's a small price to pay for fist -clenching, teeth -loosening, scream

-the -hells -down sex.

Wasn't that good, was it?

Well, you should know. You were there.

Well, yes, yes.

Yes, I was, wasn't I?

Well, I'm sorry, Yvonne, but the new Gary has gone and he won't be coming

What are you talking about?

Well, it just wasn't really me.

expect you to be like it every minute of every day, but you don't know anything.

No, I'm sorry, Yvonne, I just can't.

You really don't want this marriage to work, do you?

Well, you know where the spare room is.

Why couldn't she have met the gay one?