Original subtitles

Good night, sweetheart.

All my prayers are for you.

Good night, sweetheart.

I'll be watching over you.

Tears and parting may make us alone.

But with the coming, a new day is born.

Oh, you're not going like that, are you?

I'm going straight to the shop afterwards.

Why, you're not ashamed to be seen with me like this, are you? A little word.

Starting in N and ending in O? Starting with Y and ending in S.

That's the big deal. All we're going to do is look round a flat.

Apartments! Well, there's a difference.

Oh, Gary, it's the prize -winning warehouse conversion of a lifted

Anyway, the money we're paying for it, it is an apartment.

It's got a swimming pool. And we'll have use of our own private gym. Imagine

that! Rather not.

Anyway, it's all academic, isn't it? What is?

Moving to this new flat.

Oh, sorry, apartment.

I thought we were caught up in the negative equity trap.

We're all caught up in the negative equity trap, Gary. That's the beauty of

If everybody lowers the price enough, then we can all move.

I thought this government didn't know what it was doing.

Poor fools.

It's a bit small, though, isn't it? You know, just one bedroom.

What happens if we decide to start a family?

Well, it's hardly likely, is it, Gary? After we've been trying this long.

No, I'm afraid we're going to have to learn to live with your low sperm count.

I'd start all that again.

I'm not saying it's your fault, Gary. I mean, it's nature. You probably overdid

it when you were younger.

How could I? I only went out with a couple of girls before I met you.

It doesn't necessarily take two to tango, does it, Gary?

Some women... No, some women would think I look quite sexy.

Yeah? Name one.

If I'm still master enough of my own destiny to decide what I'm going to wear

before I venture out, thank you very much.

Come on, go and change then.

Look at it, Gary.

Doesn't it make you feel like getting into your exercise gear and joining

Oh, sorry, I forgot who I was talking to.

You got a dartboard?

Is that you being flippant or is that you being stupid?

Bit of both.

Oh, Gary, we could... work out together.

We do work out together.

We worked out together last night.

Burned off a few calories, eh?

That was sex, Gary.

There's a difference.

I don't know which I prefer.

Well, if it's our own private swimming pool, what are all these people doing in

it?

Come on out!

You're embarrassing these people. They're going to be our new neighbours.

Yvonne, it's an elephant graveyard.

This is a place where all the yuppies come to die.

You can't seriously expect us to move to a place like this.

And your job's in Hatfield. You'll have even further to go.

And you, Benira, you're sharp. So what's that got to do with anything?

How much is it again?

All right.

Thanks very much, Gary.

Start all over again now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Who are you writing to? Number 10 Downing Street.

What about?

The allotment.

OK, I give up. Why are you writing to 10 Downing Street about your allotment?

Because somebody's stolen it.

Someone's stolen your allotment? It was going to be a bumper crop and all. I'm

renowned round here for me green fingers.

You should have heard the gasps when I showed the Women's Institute my marrow.

Mrs. Bloss pinned a rosette on it.

Just about 30 rows.

I'm sorry, Gary. I've failed to see anything amusing.

I'm working all hours on the beat, and when I'm not working, I'm here helping

Phoebe behind the bar. The only enjoyment I'll get...

along with helping out with the war effort, of course, is spending a few

down at me allotment.

I go down there, first thing, birds are singing, got me can of tea, me spam

sandwiches, all is right with the world.

And what do I find?

Me allotment?

Gone.

Greg, how can somebody steal an allotment? I'll tell you. The ARP have

stuck a shit on it.

Blooming cheek.

Hence this.

I want Winston Churchill to come down here personally.

I want him to stand on my allotment.

Or where my allotment used to be.

What, in the shed?

What, there or thereabouts.

I want him to stand there in his siren suit and I want him to give a speech

imploring the authorities to return what is rightfully mine back to me.

And you know, Reg, I think he might just do it.

Of course he will.

Of course he will.

When he likes vegetables, he'll understand.

And Gary...

If an ARP warden sidles up to you with an unusually large root vegetable, you

just remember.

Kind words butter no parsnips, eh, Red?

That's very encouraging.

I had a sheep's heart for my tea last night, and I think it might have been a

bit off.

You had a sheep's heart?

Yeah. It's ever so nice, spread on toast.

Pop a little Linda McCartney, aren't you?

No, no, no.

But you're OK? Oh, yes, I'm fine, fine.

Never felt better.

I got a letter from Donald today. Would you like to have a look?

Well, may I? Oh, yes.

Dear Phoebe, I have been sent to... Oh, that black line means that that bit's

been censored, you know, for security reasons.

Oh, right. I have been sent to a little place called Censored, which is good

luck for me because I was worried we might be posted to Censored.

Me and some of the lads have been given 48 hours leave, so we went to Censored

and then went to Censored.

To see the pyramids.

Tomorrow, we are going to see Shensford at Shensford before we go to Shensford.

Love, Donald.

Funny.

When he was here, we seemed like strangers and I wanted him to go and...

now he's gone, I miss him. Well, no, I don't miss him so much as I worry about

him. Well, it's only natural.

Don't love him, though, do I?

Nope. That was somebody else, didn't I? Yep.

A tall, handsome stranger, maybe?

Well, he's quite tall.

I'd certainly say he was a stranger. I mean, I hardly see him from one day to

the next.

Phoebe. I'm only joking. Come here and give me a kiss.

And, uh,

handsome. You missed out the handsome bit.

You don't half fancy yourself, Gary Sparrow.

Gary, look, it's always quiet on a Monday. Why don't we go out for a couple

hours? Ah.

Same old story.

Well, can we fix another day this week? No, I'm working all week. Sunday, let's

go out then.

Sunday's difficult.

Sorry, did I say difficult? I meant fine. Sunday sounds absolutely fine.

Go for a walk in the afternoon. I mean, I really could get out of this place for

a couple of hours. In fact, Gary, do you know, I've been really thinking of

moving.

Moving?

But this is your home.

You can't leave the Royal Oak.

I could still run the place. I could just live somewhere else, that's all I'm

saying. Somewhere where we can be a bit more settled, more of a family.

More just the two of us?

Yes, sort of.

Phoebe, the draymen are outside.

Unlock the cellar, would you?

God, I told them not to come till Wednesday.

I phoned them for you.

Maybe they didn't get the message.

Yeah, not the only ones.

Oh, no.

See you in two weeks.

All right.

University Don's daughter is high -class hooker queen of kinky campers.

Whether procuring a proctor or leching at a lecturer, Candida certainly merits

the close attentions of the vice -chancellor.

That is rubbish.

That is absolute rubbish.

Well, stop reading it, then. I will.

I will.

In a minute.

Gary, surely you can't want this?

Excuse me?

Chief... runner -up Red Cross Street Junior School Table Tennis Championship.

1970.

Ah, that's my proudest moment.

Gary, you're 34. Surely you've got more to show for your life than this.

OK, OK, you can keep it. But I don't want the new place being cluttered by

your old rubbish.

Gary, let's get in the car and drive past it again.

Oh, we've done that every night this week.

Calm down, will you? I haven't accepted our offer yet.

Then we've got the small detail of trying to sell this place.

Well, let's go out, then, for a walk or something.

Take my mind off it.

Ah, difficult.

Oh, yes, I was forgetting your Premier League debut.

Which stadium are you gracing?

It's Wormwood Scrubs, pitch 137.

Is that the one with the under -soil heating?

Look, can you help me? If Ron phones me up and says he needs me, he's a man

short, he's going to be here any minute.

He said he was desperate.

Oh, he must be.

I've never noticed before, Gary, but have your legs always been like that?

I mean, were you born like that or did you have an accident later on in life?

Meaning? Meaning you couldn't stop a pig in a passage.

I think it's all over.

You could say that. Not at all.

There's a perfectly simple explanation.

Which is?

Well... After Gary has had his football trial for next season, because even

though the most tretanous and retarded of memorabilia salesmen should know,

season has faded into the mellow mists of memory and the rantings of the

partisan terraces has given way to the muted sounds of leather upon willow

floating hazily across the green sward.

Well, then...

The dog and trumpet, second eleven, will lay claim to Gary's hitherto unheralded

skills at cover drive, cut and googly, and we can get on with the cricket

Yes.

And it's a good job that Ron keeps a spare set of cricket funnels in the car.

Oh, yeah, and flannel is one thing that Ron's never short of.

I'm getting a bit sick of bailing you out all the time, mate.

Coming up with excuses so you can go back to the Blitz and have a good time.

Is that it?

Is that all I am to you? Is that all our friendship is about?

Yes. Fair enough, as long as I know.

Gary, they've accepted our offer.

The food's on.

Your leg's always been like that.

Makes a change from the Royal Oak, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, it's nice, just

two of us.

Yeah.

Just the two of us.

Something wrong?

No, Anna.

Oh.

Isn't he lovely, Gary?

He? How do you know it's a he?

Well, it's blue for a boy and pink for a girl.

So you know anything.

Michael.

What?

Michael. I've always liked it, you know, as a name.

It's a name for what?

For a baby.

What baby?

You know, a baby.

I'm not talking about a particular baby. Just, you know, a baby.

You know, I think all this fresh air's gone to your head.

Better get me back.

No, no.

That's not how you do it.

Look, I said, didn't I say, the bed... dead and then the piano. Not the piano

and then the bed's dead.

If brains were dynamite, you two wouldn't have enough to blow your hats

Are you moving?

No. I'm going to Blackpool for the day. Of course I'm moving.

I'm going to stay with my sister in Devon until this rotten mess is over.

do you think I'm doing?

Come on, Gary.

Why?

Not thinking of renting, are you?

Oh, Gary, it was... I know, I know.

It's lovely.

I know.

Well, it was only a night.

What?

There's just some drawers next to the tall boy.

Didn't I say?

Didn't I say? Oh, yes, love.

Well, what do you think?

Where is it?

Along the lines of what we were looking for. It's got a walk -in larder.

Its own walk -in larder.

Gary, I've always wanted my own walk -in larder.

I don't know. Where's it going to end, eh?

You'll be wanting a gymnasium and your own private swimming pool next.

So, how much is the rent?

Well, I can't give it away.

It's a nice house.

Two bedrooms.

And as I said before, it's got its own... A walk -in larder, yeah.

Sir, how much?

Two pounds, two and six a week.

Two pounds, two and six a week? And that's me giving it away, mind.

And we've hardly ever seen a bomber.

But you're still going off to Devon?

Ah, well, perhaps we've been lucky so far.

Oh, it's lovely and quiet around here.

Oh, no!

No, not my affidavit. Don't you wait till I get out there.

It's got nothing to do with luck, you know. I think the Germans keep away

because they've heard her shouting the odds.

Well, two pounds, two shillings and sixpence a week, eh? Mm.

I know.

I really liked it, Gary.

What?

Oh, £2, £2 .60 a week's even our robber. I'm not paying her that sort of money.

Phoebe, I think I can help out with the money side.

And after all, it has got its own walking matter.

And two bedrooms.

What?

Two bedrooms. It's got two bedrooms.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's got two bedrooms.

Hey, you'll be having people to stay.

Don't want people over to stay.

Well, I'll lodge you.

You know, you could take in a lodger.

Don't want a lodger.

So what do you need two bedrooms for?

Because I'm pregnant.

I'm going to need another room for the baby, aren't I?

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Oh, Kerry, I've been trying to tell you all along.

I tried to tell you on Monday. I tried to tell you this afternoon, but you

weren't listening and I've been stuck at home all week, going over it in my head

night after night with no -one else to talk to about it.

Oh, Phoebe, I'm such an idiot.

But look, it's OK.

It's OK. It's going to be fine. We can deal with this.

Deal with it?

Kerry, don't you want to have this baby? I thought you'd be pleased.

Oh, good God, no, I didn't mean that. Kerry, it's not my fault, you know. I

couldn't help it. No, no, no, Phoebe, what are you talking about? It's not

anybody's fault.

These things... We can manage.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Oh, Gary.

I'll put the kettle on.

You look like you could do with a cuppa.

No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Just thinking about it, you know.

It'd be funny, being a father.

Being called Dad.

Yeah, but you won't be, will you?

Why not?

Because everyone will think it's Donald's.

Of course.

And it'll always be like that, won't it? It'll always be Phoebe and Donald's

baby. Yeah, but we'll know the truth, Gary.

I mean, once the war's over, I can sort things out with Donald and we can start

being a proper family.

After the war, that's going to take years. Oh, come on, Gary, you don't know

that. It could end tomorrow.

What's that you're hiding?

A piece of 1940s erotica?

No, it's just a book.

Well?

Now what?

Well, come on, pal, I haven't seen you all week.

Is it something I've said?

Is it something I've done? Is it a personal hygiene problem I should know

No, it's nothing to do with you, mate. I just needed some time to think.

Something to do with Yvonne?

No, no, Yvonne's fine.

We've had an offer on our place, you know. If all goes according to plan,

soon be moving into yuppie heaven.

I take it I can still consider myself your bestest mate in the whole world and

have access to your own private swimming pool?

No.

Oh, come on, I'll behave myself.

I'll go to the toilet in the appropriate time and place.

Well, all right, but you can't bring that blue hippo Lilo with you.

You can't.

So, how goes it in World War II?

Fine, fine.

And Phoebe?

Yeah, yeah, she's fine, she's fine.

She's pregnant.

Oh.

The penny drops.

Phoebe's husband Donald returns from his Italian incarceration for a few days,

and in a moment of frenzied passion... It's not Donald, baby.

It's mine.

How can you be sure?

Because Donald is gay.

That's a new bit.

Well, they never... When they were together, they never...

Did it.

Well, not very elegantly put, Ron, but yes, they never did it.

Can I just reiterate a few of the salient points here?

Phoebe's pregnant and it's your kid because her husband Donald is gay.

Meanwhile, back here, you and Yvonne are about to move house.

Phoebe and I are moving as well. And Phoebe and you're another new bit.

You keep coming out with new bits.

We've rented a place and she moves in next week.

With the baby on the way, she's going to need a lot more support, isn't she? I

mean, I can't just make the odd day trip back like I have been doing, so...

I'm aiming to spend three or four days a week with Phoebe and the rest with

Yvonne. And Yvonne's aware of your master plan, is she?

Ron, Phoebe needs me more than Yvonne right now.

Anyway, Yvonne and I lead more or less separate lives, don't we?

I reckon once she's moved into the new place, she'll meet new people, make new

friends.

She won't need me any more, will she? Can I just cut in here for a moment?

Hard -hearted cynic that I undoubtedly am.

Do I detect an underlying subtext?

Such as?

You're going to dump Yvonne.

Did I say that?

It's what it sounded like.

Look, Ron, I can't leave Phoebe on her own with a kid to bring up and a pub to

run. And I can't live permanently in the past. I've tried that.

I'll be there for Yvonne if and when she needs me, but I have to have different

priorities now.

You know what the biggest problem is?

What?

He won't be able to call me Daddy.

Listen, pal.

It's far too early to know if he's going to have a speech impediment.

Ron, I mean, we're going to have to pretend it's Donald's baby, aren't we?

And when it's born and when I go back and see Phoebe, even when I push it

in his pram, people will always point and say that's Phoebe and Donald's baby.

Well, not necessarily.

No. Well, it could be twins.

You're not helping me, Ron. Oh, sorry.

So, how do you feel to be a dad?

Do you feel any different?

I don't know how I feel.

I bought him this.

Hours of fun, eh, Ray?

No, kids don't want this sort of stuff nowadays.

They want computer games and mountain bikes. Ron, it won't be nowadays. It'll

1942.

My child's going to be born into this.

It'll be growing up in a world where children got diphtheria, rickets,

tuberculosis.

And then in 44, we've got flying bombs to look forward to. Try and look on the

bright side.

Ron, there is no bright side.

My child is 20 years older than me.

By now, he's going to be the same age as my father.

Ron, let's not even think about it.

Hello, Gary.

What are you having? This one's on me. Half all right?

No, nothing for me, thanks, Reg. I've just popped in to see Phoebe. Go on, I'm

celebrating. Well, don't tell me somebody's found your allotment.

No, better than that.

I have in my hand a piece of paper from Mr Churchill himself.

Oh, Matthew.

Hold on. This is a hair loom, this is. I'm going to pass this on to little

Frankie.

So how do I know what it says if you won't show it to me? Because I've

it to memory.

You should have heard the ush in the bar last night when I recited it.

On several occasions.

Go on then, Rush.

Dear Constable Dedman.

See, that's Winnie calling me by my name.

I am writing to thank you for your communication.

That means letter, Gary. Yes.

Communication of the 14th Inst.

It is receiving attention.

Yours sincerely, Mrs Beryl Spinks PP, Winston

Churchill.

I'm going to have it framed.

Well done, Reg. But what about the allotment?

What's done is done, eh?

Yeah.

Afternoon, Jake.

Now, I've got something that may be of interest to you concerning vegetables.

Dear Constable Dittman.

Cheer up.

I feel like I'm being evacuated.

Shall I write you a label?

Look, it's only down the road.

Is this it?

Yeah.

Not much to show, is it?

Not for 27 years.

Bloody hell.

A year's time when me mum bought me from Blackton when I was eight.

Do you know, Gary, it never works.

We tried it loads of times and they always came out hard as iron. And me dad

liked them soft -boiled.

everywhere. Look, it doesn't matter. We'll get you another egg timer. I'm not

worried about the bloody egg timer.

The baby?

No. Baby's fine.

Went to the doctor this morning.

Like this now.

Must have it gets a bit bigger, eh?

I'm going to get picked on at school, don't I?

Stupid.

So, what is it then?

Oh, Gary, I'm sorry. I can't move.

Gary, I was born here. It's all I know. Phoebe. No, please. I know we've made

all these arrangements for the baby's sake, but I can't do it. I want to stay.

I mean, the baby will be all right.

I was born here. It hasn't done me any harm, has it? Well, part of the fact I

actually in the club, but... Phoebe.

What?

Just come here.

Gary.

Such a mess.

A kid you won't even be able to call your own.

It's ever so unfair when you think about it.

You will still love it, won't you, Gary? Of course I will.

And it's Mum.

And you don't mind about me not moving?

Of course not.

Do you know, I thought you'd be ever so cross.

I mean, we paid a month's rent in advance. That's nearly nine quid down

drain. Oh, hang the expense, eh?

Look, as long as you're happy, I'm happy.

I'm unpacking.

You just packed.

And now I'm unpacking.

Damn! What was that?

That certificate you got for being Rumbelow's third fastest square aerial

erector.

Yeah, it doesn't have quite the same emotional resonance as an egg timer that

your mum bought you in Clacton when you were eight, does it? Gary, have you been

drinking? No.

So, the move's off, is it? Yeah.

Don't tell me. Somebody in the chain dropped out.

I'm the one that phoned the estate agent and told them we're taking the house

off the market.

Well, this is going to sound awful, I know. I mean, it's such a cliche, and

know I've never been very good with words, have I? I always had the tendency

state the blindingly obvious, but no, I can't think of another way of phrasing

it, so why?

I really thought about it, Gary, and it was too small, wasn't it?

Hardly room for a swinger cat. I mean, one bedroom, we'd have been on top of

each other all the time.

What could have been worse?

Look, Yvonne, it really doesn't matter.

Oh, Gary, I thought you'd be able to cross.

No. What about all the money we've spent on surveys and solicitor's fees?

Nearly 500 quid down the drain.

Oh, hang the exp... How much?

I'll make it up to you.

There's no need.

Look, as long as you're happy, Yvonne.

And anyway, I'm... Well, I'm not here all that much, am I?

And with the way things are going at the shop, I'm going to have to travel more.

Just for a while, you know.

But you've got your job, you've got your friends.

I've got great friends.

And a great husband.

Gary, let's go to San Marcos for a romantic meal.

My treat.

Yeah, lovely.

Any particular reason?

I've got something else to tell you.

What?

It's about the flat.

The apartment.

The one -bedroomed apartment that is suddenly too small.

Yes.

Go on.

I ordered us a new three -piece suite.

Now, I've already paid for it. I can't get the money back. It was £899.

I'm sorry.

Oh!

It's... It's OK.

No, it's OK.

Like I think.

As long as you're happy, I'm happy. Good.

Because I'm pregnant.

Good night, sweetheart.

Sleep will banish sorrow.

Good night, sweetheart.

Till we meet tomorrow.

talk.