Original subtitles

God, my life would be so much easier if only I liked girls.

Yeah, you probably have the same set of problems. There's no dicks, so what's

the point?

I love this club. I'm getting such a good idea.

How much work can there be in costuming an episode about strippers anyway?

You'd be surprised.

The really exciting part is what they wear before they come in to take it off.

Oh, oh, look at that one. She's fucking fabulous.

Hi, hi. Come here.

Oh, my God. Look at her body.

Looking fantastic.

I seriously need this lighting in my bedroom.

I love it.

Real tits.

Real ass.

Real women. Oh, God.

are Jewish?

I'm only doing Jews from now on. Jewish strippers?

No, Jewish men. I mean, after waking up next to that Nazi bobsledder, no one

goes down on me unless they go to temple.

Oh my God, that's the hottest thing I've ever seen.

I need to learn how to do this.

If you want to date a Jewish guy, you should just go online.

Internet dating and so desperate.

I'm doing it.

Oh, no, Rox, that's wonderful. Who is it?

Will. Tall, handsome, professional, broad -minded, deep thing.

Rox, is this for real?

I don't know. Could be.

You've turned up twice so far on time.

My famous losing streak could be over.

You should give it a try. Oh, no, Rick's taking me out for my birthday tonight.

I might meet someone.

Your birthday? Isn't that a bit late?

Yeah, well, you know, Rick, it's gonna be fabulous. this inexpensive.

Why have you taken me to a sex club?

It's a swing club.

Whatever. You were going to take me out to eat.

Well, there's a buffet.

Gee, this is the hottest spot in town. Do you know how much it costs to bring

here, okay?

Ricky, what makes you think that I would want to come to a place like this?

Why do you want to come here?

I know, I know, I know. But that way we can both enjoy ourselves, baby, okay?

Come on, follow me.

I'm

gonna

go. Gee, please stay.

Please stay, okay? Don't go. You know I only get off on straight boys, okay? And

if you leave and I have to leave, those are the rules.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Okay? Come on, it's your birthday present.

I love birthday ghosts.

It's not my birthday.

Oh.

I'll see you later.

No one gets circumcised anymore.

the same sheets and not a thread count above 250.

I'm telling you, I don't know what Rick was thinking.

Yeah, please. We know what Rick was thinking.

Yeah. Yeah.

What else do you want your profile to say?

Uh, are you allowed to put that you want big dick?

No. Oh.

Okay, so then, um, I don't know, put what you think is good, but also put

he has to like kissing and the Home Depot.

Oh, yeah.

A big dick, too, you might find, but a handy one? Uh -uh.

Okay.

All right. Welcome to J Hookup, your internet gateway to Jewish singles

adventure. Okay, let's see what we got.

Oh. Well, this one looks like if Eugene Levy and Meatloaf had a baby.

Oh, okay, wait.

No, him.

Brad Gold, high -powered entertainment lawyer.

I like Mr. Gold.

Okay, remember?

They're all ten years older than the picture and 20 pounds heavier.

Hey, ladies.

You found it.

Gee, this is Will.

How you doing?

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi.

I'm a bit early. I'll wait for you outside.

Okay. I'll just be a minute.

There's nothing wrong with him.

I know.

Okay, but that is my 114th attempt.

On the first date, you do not commit to anything more than a coffee or a drive

-by, because you do not want to be stuck with them if you don't like them.

What's a drive -by?

Gigi?

Yeah, Brad?

Yeah, uh, sorry, it's not gonna work out.

Psychiatry, I think I found my calling.

Yeah, well, we all knew you'd put that master's degree to good use.

Where the hell did you find out about this place? UCLA Continuing Education.

Okay, that looks great, ladies. Now, when you get into the third prep

I want you to wrap your leg around the pole.

That's it.

Throw your head back and let go. This is where your upper body strength comes

in. I don't have any upper body strength.

Going on another date. Ooh, that is great.

Well, you know what they say, you know, it's always good to get back up on the

horse.

He's really cute. He looks like a Jewish Dennis Quaid.

Now, perhaps you'd like to demonstrate the last combo for us. Since you were

talking so much, I'm assuming you know it really well.

What, is this Catholic school? I can't talk?

We take our exotic dancing very seriously.

Uh -uh -uh.

Go ahead, please.

Oh, no, not on that pole.

You can use that pole.

I have to go in the corner?

Hey, Clash, we're just going to take a couple of minutes to watch as, uh... D

.V.

So Gigi's going to demonstrate that last combo for us.

Wrap those legs around the pole, Gigi.

That's it. Hang on there. Now lift up with that left leg.

Lift it up. Lift it up. And lift up that leg. I'm trying.

Come on. Let go. Let go.

And... Ow.

Not quite like that.

Okay, okay. Let's do this.

I have a date tonight.

Who's staying with Sasha?

The babysitter, Lisa.

Oh, Lisa the lesbian.

Oh.

He does look like a Jewish tennis player.

Yeah. Cute.

He's taking me out to eat, but I told him to meet me at the restaurant No More

Cars. Oh, smart.

Is everything okay down there? I hope so.

Yeah, I hope so, too.

Hey, guys.

Babysitter's here. Hi.

What's going on? You're funny.

Oh, miracle of miracles. We both have dates, and we're checking them out

I want to do this.

Oh, they have gay sites.

No, I want to do this one.

How do I do it?

Well, okay.

We'll make you a profile.

Put your picture in later.

What do you want it to say?

Just put, I'm a lesbian, but I love to fuck men.

Why don't we think of that?

Oh, fuck. He's like 15 minutes late. I don't know what to do.

Sucks.

Give him five more minutes and then leave.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

I think he's here.

How bad? Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God.

Okay, you know, I was expecting Dennis.

I think Randy just showed up.

Oh, Jesus Christ, I think he's from Toronto.

Okay, you're having lunch, right? So get a free meal out of it, and it's great

practice.

Got to go.

Wow, easy.

You look just like your pitcher.

So I was real surprised to see you on the website.

I've rented a ton of your movies, and you're Canadian, and I'm Canadian.

I'm from Montreal. You're from Toronto. They're rival cities.

Oh.

I really... I can't stay too long. Sorry.

But we have to have...

Our flan, and I thought maybe we'd rent one of your movies and go back to your

place.

I'm not hungry, and I really have to get up early in the morning, so no, I

really should be going.

Okay.

Are you done with these?

Yeah.

Look, can I at least contribute to my fries?

Can I have this wrapped up?

I'm still working on those.

Can I kiss you?

No.

Look, let me just give you a little word of advice, okay?

The next time you ask a woman out to dinner, maybe you ought to spring for

fries. Well, I thought women liked to be independent and pay for themselves,

especially on the first date.

For themselves, perhaps, but not for you?

Right.

Can I kiss your mouth?

What's wrong with you?

Well, there really wasn't any chemistry for me anyway.

Hey, babe.

What are you doing here?

How did you get past security?

Oh, Rick, I'm sorry I didn't call first, but you were the closest person to the

restaurant, and I'm just so depressed. I didn't want to go home.

Gee, I have company coming over soon, babe.

Okay? You can't stay.

Come on, let's go.

You know, I thought I was your friend, not just your beer, but you can't talk

me? I mean, you don't even know what it's like to hurt because you're not

looking for love, Rick. You just want to get off in the most sickest, fucked -up

way possible.

That is not true, and you know it. And I'll have you know that I've been taking

a real hard look at myself since we went to that swing club the other night,

okay? And I decided that I'm going to get a little spiritual help, okay?

Really? Come on. Yes.

And that's why I'm taking private cabal classes tonight.

You're not the only Jew in town, baby, okay?

That's amazing!

Yeah.

Well, my rabbi says that Hashem, which is God, says he sees it no matter where

it is.

I'm sorry, Rick. That's so great.

Thank you. Okay. Oh, there he is. Come on.

Hi. Come on in.

Hi.

Salome.

Salome.

Hi.

Okay. Okay.

I'm so sorry about you.

Please. Hi. Well...

Great. Now, you guys have a good night.

Okay, bye. Okay, and call me later, okay?

There you go.

Okay. Whoa.

Huh?

Hello. Oh, hello.

Hi.

Oh, hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. Not for you. I don't think so. No.

I have an STD.

What? From who?

I thought you didn't sleep with anybody.

Not from a guy. From the pole.

That's not possible.

Well, according to my gyno it is. I have garden orillia.

What you got there? What'd they give you?

For God's sakes, Francesca, it's a pussy pill.

Okay? You're so weird, because I am fine.

Yeah, well, maybe your pole wasn't as slutty as mine.

Will has gone AWOL.

No. Yeah, we have this great date, and he calls two days later and says he's

somebody else.

Boy, that is such bull crap.

He should be so lucky to have you.

All right, ladies, I got this.

Because I have the stripper show, Betty Cash.

Yeah, but it's probably all singles.

Look, Mom, there's Lucy and your boyfriend.

I told you not to put the choose a lesbian in her profile. Who the fuck

compete with that?

So my graduation's at this trip club. You guys are coming, right? Will my pole

be there? We're not on speaking terms.

I know I'm going to be there flying solo.

I'll be your date.

Thank you, baby.

Well, no more internet dating for me. I mean, two fiascos are more than enough.

I'm just going to concentrate on my spiritual life like Rick, and the rest

come. Rick.

Oh yeah, you guys don't know. He's had a spiritual awakening.

No, and I am telling you, we should all be so lucky to find God like that.

six feet tall, brown eyes, master's degree, loves dogs, speaks four

builds houses for a living, travels all over the world, heads three charities,

and wants to have babies in Italy?

Well, what do you know?

Hello, Joe.

I'm having such a great time.

And it's amazing, too, because I was seconds away from giving up Jewish men.

Really? Why?

Well... I never met one like you before.

Gigi, I'm... Well, I'm not Jewish.

I'm an Italian Catholic.

I don't understand. You were on Jay Hookup.

Oh.

I like Jewish women.

You don't have a problem with that, do you?

What do you care about religion, anyway?

Well, I know. I never have, you know?

And he's already introducing me to his friend.

Well, that's good, right?

Mm -hmm.

Where are you guys going?

Oh, he's taking me to Shabbat dinner.

He goes every Friday night.

Oh, he could fall every Friday night. Isn't that a little strange?

There's not any stranger than my Baptist friend speaking better Yiddish than

Jackie Mason.

All right, how does that feel, sweetie?

They're good?

Uh -huh.

Fabulous.

Next.

So I spoke with Miriam, and she thought of giving you the honor of saying the

Boca.

That's very nice, but I don't need to do it. Thank you.

Well, Ma, I'd really like you to do it.

You don't turn me on.

Okay.

I haven't done this in summer camp, so... All right.

Let's eat.

Okay,

what are you wearing?

Oh, I have on these heels. I'm like 6 '5". This is a total hoochie dress.

Oh, that's so cool. It's going to be such a blast.

I know. Any excuse to dress like a hoe, right? Oh, you know it.

Oh, Joe's here. Come on in.

Okay, I'll see you there.

Oh, okay, babe. I will see you later, okay? I can't wait to meet this man.

Okay, bye.

Hi. Wow.

How are you? How come you're not dressed? I told you we were all getting

up for this.

Yeah, um, I'm not going.

How come?

All my friends are dying to meet you.

I don't know how to say this, but, uh... Look, you're not Jewish enough.

What?

Joe, I'm the only actual Jew here.

I know. It's just, uh... You're just not Jewish enough for me.

But, look, it's been great, so, you know, I'll see ya.

I'm sorry, did I miss her?

No, she hasn't come on yet. Hey, you should put them back. The whole fucking

industry's here.

Why are you late? Where's Jump?

And so, long story, Emily has had an incredible craving for pork.

How do you lose a guy between your house and the club?

We need more drinks!

And now, our star student who graduates, Simma Kamala, please put your hands

together for...

Myra Finkelberg, I'm representing my peeps

This program is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to events, persons or

companies is entirely coincidental.