Original subtitles

Hey, it's the chief. Leave a message.

Hi, Gigi. This is Tammy from Scott's office.

He wanted me to let you know that they are... passing on you for that role of

the dark, exotic, Eastern European Jewish girl with the long, dark hair who

speaks French because they need to go with a bigger name.

But the director said you did such a great job that he's going to go out and

find someone just like you. So congratulations.

Call us if you have any questions.

Gigi, where are you? You're going to miss class.

Franny, how am I ever going to work? I'd rather give it to someone like Gwyneth

Paltrow, dye her hair, stuff her bra, and give her French lessons rather than

give it to me.

No, but at the end of the day, she's got to pull those puppies out and she's

still a skinny half shiksa from the Upper East Side and you don't want that.

Just hurry up, get to class, you'll feel better.

Why am I even going? I hate yoga.

Because this teacher's supposed to be amazing.

What the fuck?

What's wrong?

Feel the serpent.

flowing through you.

Yes.

Yes, very nice.

My little angel.

And now down with the cat.

Can you believe that?

That's DeMarco. He's on Billboard.

Five nominations.

Okay, the guy wasn't even an actor when we were dating.

I swear to God, everyone I have ever slept with has become famous.

I mean it. I'm thinking about having my vagina bronzed.

Focus,

please. Okay, seriously, speaking of vaginas, if I don't find a man soon, I'm

liable to kill somebody.

I have not been laid in nine months.

Roxy, that is not good for you. You could hurt yourself.

I won day three.

No bills.

That's fabulous.

Yeah, all the yoga's about to get it out of my system.

Brady, it's just yoga. It's not a miracle cure.

There was David Duchovny, Superman Brad, and Michael T. White. No, wait a

minute. Michael T. White doesn't count because he was already the pretender

before you fucked him.

Okay, true.

I forgot. Where did you fuck him?

Up at Sundance.

He pulled my tampon out with his teeth.

I thought it was love. How could you not?

Jeez, I think you're right about your gift. That Alex guy that you dated? He's

got his own sitcom.

It's one of Sasha's favorites.

It won't last.

How come?

I only gave him a handjob.

Fucking Lance DeMarco, do you know how he got discovered?

Well, it was after he dumped you, right?

He told me because I was just a bartender, right, and that wasn't cool

for him. And then a week later, I get my first film with Bertolucci.

So this guy waits a whole year until the premiere. He pays $1 ,000 to get in

because it was like a benefit or something to win me back, right? I guess

cool enough for him then.

And then he gets discovered by Bertolucci. I mean, like, how the fuck

happen? Oh, my God. Listen to this.

Hot 50s male, straight, chiseled, 8 inches, searches for young nubile, must

34D and over.

Someone's feeling confident.

You know, I do know a girl at work who met someone through the personals. Can I

keep that?

Yes, it's free.

All right, I gotta go. I gotta get to work. You guys will not believe who's on

the show this week.

It's a Clinton. Oh my God, which one? Is it Hillary?

No. Bill? No.

Roger? Archie.

Second cousin twice removed. I'm so excited I get to dress the president's

cousin. Ex -president. Which I'm sure is not half as much fun as being undressed

by the president.

Ex -president.

Oy, honey, you will always be the president.

Okay.

Oh,

hi. Okay.

Okay. Remember when I got that fake student ID in New York? Well, when I

it to the Greek embassy to get my European passport stamped, the one good

that came out of marrying that crazy Greek. Anyways, they didn't know it was

fake. So now I have a European passport that says 1972 instead of 62.

So anyways, I needed to go to the DMV and get my license renewed. I need ID.

I bring my European passport and I show them my old license.

And I said, well, you know, they got the date wrong, and I've been walking

around with it for four years. And she looked at me, and she goes, of course,

how would anyone think that you were born in 62?

And she changed all my records.

The only thing left is my passport.

Okay. It is almost official.

1972.

Hello. So excited.

So happy.

Hell, you're the same age as me now? You are April.

I am, yeah, right here, July, so that means you're older.

Ooh, yeah.

Hey! Hey!

Hey,

how are you?

Great surprise!

It's so cool, a business manager making a house call. Did you get a chance to

listen to my messages?

No. What's up?

Look, you got about three months of money left.

Three months?

Yeah, at the most.

Okay, you got to stop shopping.

You got to stop eating out so much.

And you got to get a job.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, Phil.

Yeah, hi.

He needs another plane.

Oh, come on.

Yeah, okay, great. Yeah, yeah, let's take care of it.

Okay, yeah, thanks. Bye.

Jim Carrey needs another plane.

Sorry, where were we?

No shopping or eating.

Right, yeah.

Come on, somebody somewhere has to owe me money.

Yeah, well, there's a rebroadcast of Forbidden Shadow in the Balkans. They

you about 300 bucks.

Now, look, you've got a pile of equity sitting right here in the house, okay?

You could always sell the house. No, there's no way I'm selling this house. I

will get a job. I always do. I mean, I almost got one. Yeah? Which one?

That DreamWorks one about the, you know, dark, Eastern European Jewish girl.

Oh, right, yeah. Gwyneth Paltrow just got that one. Yeah, I hear that she

French lessons today.

Uh, oh, shit. I've got to get this one. It's the one I want to think you've got

problems. Hello?

Hey.

How are you?

Yeah, calm down, calm down, calm down.

Mr. Clinton, here to see you.

Oi.

I am so excited to meet you. I have been waiting.

Hello, darling.

Oi, oi.

You Jewish?

I love Jewish girls.

Shalom, y 'all.

No, Archie, my family's from Arkansas. I'm Baptist, just like y 'all.

Well, now, I'm really in love. So where's the party at?

Well, it's right here. I'm gonna make you look fabulous. I just need to get

measurements. All right, darling. Let's go.

Measure away.

Um, no, we... We have a changing room for you.

As long as I'm with you, darling, I'm fine.

I thought they'd never leave.

You gotta come out with me tonight.

We'll go to the Monterey Lounge. Oh, Archie, I can't. It's off -limits to me.

best friend's ex -boyfriend hangs out there, so it's fucking off -limits.

Nonsense, darling. You've got to come out with me. You're going to pass up a

night with me in the Secret Service?

They say Secret Service.

That's what I call them.

Is that a yes?

Yes. Hallelujah, it's a yes.

How do I let you talk me into this?

Because you're my best friend, and I've known you for 15 years, and once I

checked your crotch for crabs, which means you owe me for the rest of your

natural life.

Don't you find it disturbing that Julia Roberts and I are both the same age and

we started at the same time? We even had the same manager once, and yet she's

the biggest star in the world, and I'm three months away from homelessness. You

will work something out. You always do.

God, I really hope this is going to work.

Adele, I've got to ask you.

Why do you think you need to do this?

Why can't you just be the sexiest 42 -year -old the world has ever seen? I

you look 10 years younger. Isn't that revenge enough?

No, it is not.

Because the world doesn't work that way, and neither does our profession.

Look, I didn't start my career at 19 like you did. I started it almost

So I was stuck in a job and a marriage I couldn't get out of, and I want those

ten years back. I deserve them back.

Yeah, but... And don't be so naive.

Ageism? That has killed more people in this town than car crashes, drug

overdoses, and suicides combined.

Meg?

You know, I just, you know, I love you the way you are, that's all.

And I really hate the fact that you're gonna be younger than me.

We need our waitress. Sweetheart.

Hi.

Bottoms up. Bottoms up.

Oh, God.

Thank you.

Ow!

Well, come over here, darling.

Piss here.

I can't pee in one of those.

Why not? My cousin's wife does it all the time.

All right, I'm going in.

All right.

Giddy up.

You can't be holding up the bathroom and

closing it down, man. It's a full house.

Thanks to Pete. So does... Francesca, is that you?

Hi. Hi, Payne.

Hi.

Did Gigi know you were at one of my parties?

No. No. You're going to have to stay after this.

That's all.

Listen to me.

Look.

Uh -huh.

You're going to trust me on this, right?

What are you doing?

My quarterly report.

It says I should sell the house.

Over my dead fucking body?

Remember when we found that house? What did I make you promise?

Never sell.

Yeah, because when you have nothing else, at least you have that house.

Yeah, but... But what?

You work in a bar. You work as a hostess.

Oh, my God.

I can't do that.

I've been in movies.

Okay, listen, baby, you know what? You're gonna be fine.

Because you're due for some good luck.

It can't really get any worse, can it?

broke out in the men's bathroom at the famed Monterey Lounge, where P. Diddy

the former president's second cousin got into a heated argument over a woman. No

one was hurt thanks to the smooth handling of promoter Payne Jones.

The woman has not yet been identified.

In other news, the 405 is backed up yet again.

I am so sorry.

I just, I couldn't help it.

And then we got really drunk.

I thought you weren't drinking.

Oh, no.

No pills.

I'm still drenched in clean.

What happened in there?

Oh, Poppy tried to grab my hat.

How's he look?

Old and tired.

Fucking great, right?

On top of everything else, I'm going to be completely broken.

If I don't get work soon, Mitch thinks I should sell the house.

Oh, no.

No, you can't do that.

Oh, hey.

Remember Ward Marks, the producer?

He was there last night hanging with Peyton.

He was asking how you were, what you were up to. He's got a script.

He's got a part for me?

Not exactly. They lost a location. They need a house in the canyon just for one

day shooting.

They're crazy guys for it.

You need the house?

$7 ,500.

Wonderful. The lights, the ceiling.

That's perfect.

So you like it?

Absolutely.

We may need it for five days, but can you do that?

At $7 ,500 a day?

That's all we have.

We just need our director to start a sign -off on it.

He can be very picky about these things.

Oh, who is it?

He doesn't like to be approached.

No, you don't understand. I know him.

Intimately.

Lance.

Yeah.

Gigi.

Holy fuck.

Unbelievable. Look at you.

Seriously, you look totally hot.

God, you've grown up so beautiful.

Come here.

It's good to see you.

Yeah, it's good to see you, too.

Okay.

I mean, my God, five nominations. That's amazing.

Yeah, well, we've come a long way since, uh...

When was that, anyway?

Like 12 years ago.

Wow. Yeah.

So, uh, what are you doing here?

This is my house.

This is your house? Yeah.

No kidding. No, um, I haven't been working very much lately, so I'm renting

but, I mean, it's so great, because now you're gonna film in it, so... Which,

you know, I gotta tell you, Lance, I've had the worst week.

I mean, and I have fought the good fucking fight, you know, but I just

know if I can do it anymore. I mean, sometimes I don't really know what

I'm supposed to learn from this business.

Gigi, you know what I learned?

Life's like acting.

You know, it's all about picking your moments.

When to be angry, when to be cool, when to tell everyone to fuck off, you know?

No one knows better than me or you.

Seriously.

Do I just sign it and send it to my business manager?

Just a sec.

I like it, Lance.

Great lights.

What do you think?

Well... I don't like it.

What? Why?

Just ain't cool enough for me.

Oh, you're expecting somebody?

You'll see.

Hi.

Uh, I'm Leo. I'm here for Rocky.

No, Roxy.

I'm Roxy.

What's going on here? Uh, someone hired me to show Rocky a good time.

Mom, I got him for you from the paper. You said you needed a man, so I got you

him. With my spare money.

She sounds a lot older on the phone.

Yeah, but this is about as old as she's going to get.

Don't you like each other?

Leo, why don't you come on in and have some coffee while I beat the pimp out of

my child?

Okay.

Okay, what do you got? Okay, I'm going the health route, so I got St. John's

wort, ginkgo biloba, and...

Chocolate peanuts. Excellent. I brought my uppers, my downers, my in

-betweeners, and, of course, the champagne. You guys, I'm really worried

her. I've never seen her like this before.

I know. Rox, what do you got?

Leo baked us hash brownies. And I left Sasha at home. Where's Leo?

Oh, the gay gigolo my daughter hired for me. What?

Yes, she surprised me with, you know, the escort services out of the

classifieds. Except she got the wrong kind.

You're fucking kidding me. Oh, no. Straight out the goddamn village,

he was so sweet. I mean, it was nice to have the company. How is Sasha paying

for all this?

Out of her swear jar.

So, basically, we paid for him.

Thank you.

Okay, any time.

Okay, ladies, ladies. I know this is, you know, a hard time of year for G, but

this year, it just seems a little bit worse. I mean, I have never seen her

this. Oh, okay.

Come on, son.

Come sit down. Come on, honey.

Oh, sweetie, it's all going to be fine. We're going to sip some champagne.

We got hash brownies.

And we are going to get you through this. Yeah, we are. And I brought my

stuff just in case.

I don't do that.

Okay.

You want me to do it?

Okay, I'll do it.

No more. Okay. Red carpet. Oh.

Ooh. Turn it up. Turn it up.

Oh, that's a bad dress. Yeah, she needs to wear brown with that.

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for, the belle of all, Julia

Give me a brownie.

Julia, you look gorgeous. We love your dress.

Fabulous. Now,

Julia, I know your husband, but who is this gorgeous man behind you?

Gee, you've been drinking. Oh, pills. Okay, this is wrong. No, please.

No, you're not used to these. No, just give me the fucking pills!

Great news, Gigi. Gwyneth dropped out.

What? They want to make you an offer. Now, all you gotta do is go down to the

studio this morning, meet the producers, and look absolutely gorgeous.

be easy for you. I'm counting on you getting this, Gigi. It's got your name

over it.

She's sexy, sophisticated, a real lady.

I feel like shit.

I don't know how I'm gonna pull this off.

I don't know how you do it. Here's a practice.

Okay, listen. Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go and get yourself a

big cup of coffee.

Oh, I don't want to do coffee.

You don't normally do opiates either. Just trust me. Go and get some coffee.

Okay.

Oh, God, lady, please stop honking.

What the fuck is wrong with you, you crazy, selfish bitch?

Stop your fucking honking, you stupid fucking whore!

Just shut your fucking mouth and move the car, you stupid fucking bitch.

Shut up your fucking prana, you dumb fuck yoga motherfucker!

Don't fuck with people when they need a coffee.

Yeah, I was so excited to meet you.

You look great.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, Gigi.

I'm Sam Wolwin. Hi. Let me introduce you to everyone.

This is James.

Hello. Michael. Hi. Dean Smithton. And this is Lillian Culver, our head of

production.

This program is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to events, persons, or

companies is entirely coincidental.