Original subtitles

Thank you.

I'm an actress, I swear.

I mean, maybe you just recognize me from one of my movies. I mean, honestly,

I've been in a ton of movies. I mean, all over the world, you know.

I mean, not lately, but... Give me the shirt, too.

Why are you making me do this?

We have you trafficking in and out of the country numerous times in the past

months. Jesus, people, I come from Canada, not... Ma 'am, I'm going to need

to drop your drawers.

I'll recognize you.

Roxy, I got strip -searched.

Again? Oh, please. They all think they recognize me from some Most Wanted

poster. Little do they know it's from cable.

Well, hey, it's more attention than I've had in a while.

Listen, can you come back? Because I, like, lost my bra again, and I have to

at that meeting in, like, 20 minutes, and I've got to go home and change

Babe, I can't. I'm sorry, but I have to be at Sasha's school for some parent

-teacher thing by 11, and then I have this insurance claim on this condo.

Oh, my God.

Do I have to take a cab?

No, no, no, no. I hooked you up.

Francesca should be there any second.

I don't see her.

Fuck you, you motherfucking prick -ass hoe! Where'd you learn to drive?

Oh, thank you, Kirsten. That's wonderful.

Hey, we are so glad you're back. Knock them dead at your meeting.

I will. I'm back.

Watch out, Hollywood. Here I come.

Hi. Hi.

Thank you so much for picking me up.

Did you get my pills?

252s, you are so lucky they didn't find me.

I must say, I'm mildly relieved these did not come out of your twat.

Cody, over at the fucking counter. Your fucking country is brilliant.

Hey, congrats. I heard that Crazy for Mickey got picked up for another season.

That's so good. My dad loves that show.

Another 23 episodes of me stuffing her brisket ass into couture. I'm telling

you, I can't possibly do these wardrobe fittings straight.

Bra?

Hot bitch, asswipe! No bra.

I have not had sex with Anton for months. It's like the fucking eight

itch. I'm minutes away from stuffing the lighting guy at work.

Honey, do you really think that's such a good idea?

Oi.

That's a fabulous idea.

Okay.

I can do this.

I am pretty enough.

I'm talented enough.

And... My breasts are covered up now.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck it.

Hi,

Scott. Sorry I'm late.

Uh, what are you drinking?

Um, water's fine.

Excuse me.

I asked for a clean fork.

Scott, the reason that I wanted to see you today... Wait, what did you say?

I know that I've been gone a lot this past year, and I haven't been working

much, you know, with my mom dying.

Yeah,

I just wanted to get my head together, but I want you to know that I'm good,

back, and... No, no, no, Pat.

Yeah.

No, no, I'll call him back.

Go on.

Me? Hmm?

Well, I just want you to know that I'm willing to do anything to get my career

back. I will pre -read, I will post -read, I'll do a play.

Gigi, Peter's dead.

Besides, at your age, the chances of getting your career back are one in a

million. Forbidden Shadow was eight years ago?

God, I'm 28 years old. Exactly.

Surely there have been...

greater miracles on this planet than resurrecting my career. I mean, people

done it. Who's done it? Fran Drescher? She's done it. She's the only one. One

a million. Yo, I ordered salad. You want salad?

Fork?

Who do you have to lay in this town to get a clean fork?

Excuse me!

Mrs. Matthews?

Yes, Ms.

Matthews. Well, Ms.

Matthews, I'm so glad to have this opportunity to sit and talk with you.

Is Mr.

Matthews gone?

Is everything okay with Sasha? I mean, she's doing well, isn't she?

Oh, yes. Sasha's a brilliant student.

But are you aware that Sasha's been making some racial slurs to some of the

African -American students?

What? Sometimes this happens with kids, unfortunately. But in this situation,

it's rather alarming.

Sasha, what color are you?

I'm white.

No, you're not. You're black.

I'm not. See?

Sasha, I'm black. If I'm black, you're black.

Okay?

So, what is this about you saying racist things at school?

I didn't.

Yeah, you did, and I want to know why.

I don't know.

I just don't like black people.

Hey, babe, it's Wanda Cooper from Cooper Schwartz Management.

I'm good, I'm good.

Listen, I really think you should see Stella for this project. I mean, she's

perfect for it, and we just got her back from New York.

What do you mean she's not supermodel pretty enough? I mean, the role's over

prison warden.

Okay, well, good to talk to you, sweetie. Bye -bye.

Assholes.

Hi, Stella.

Oh, my God. Hi, honey. She's back. The Nook of the North is home.

Oh, so good to see you. Thank you so much for watching the plays. It was

I don't know how you do that. Oh, what? Being around a Koopa and hearing what

casting directors really think of me?

It ain't worth the 10 % commission I'm paying myself.

Mm, nice hit.

Yeah. So, how's Dad?

Where are you going? What are you doing? When are you coming home?

He's 85 and losing it.

And meeting with your agent.

Oh, great.

Yeah, he said that I was too old and had no chance of making it. But

that's him thinking that I'm five years younger than I actually am.

He's going to throw me a movie of the week audition.

Oh.

Heartthrob Rick Radcliffe brings his New York heat to the silver screen.

So closeted.

What about being gay?

Stop being Canadian, New York. He's from fucking South Katoon.

You're still going to go to that premiere with him tonight, right? Yeah,

to go.

He booked me a month ago.

Well, you know, good beard works hard to come by.

Plus, it will keep your mind off pain.

Still, a week after my mother dies, he's fucking some body double. I'm over him.

Besides, he changed his number.

Well, at least you will have fun tonight.

Oh, shit, I gotta call the producer from CSI.

Oh, my God.

Are you auditioning for it?

No, both him and Rhonda have kids in rehab, so, you know, we're gonna bond.

Your imaginary manager has an imaginary kid now?

Yeah, Tracy. She's 21.

Heroin.

Okay, let us not forget Danny. That was a complete fucking disaster.

No, I know. I just can't fuck my friends. It's just too weird. Yes, yes,

should definitely stick.

To fucking your enemy.

You really think this is an appropriate conversation for a nine -year -old?

What's wrong with Sasha? Didn't she get enough attention today?

Oh, it seems Sasha has a problem with black people.

What? Holy shit.

Gee, don't swear.

Sasha, is this true?

No. Mom, stop it. I just think they're different.

Well, I'm different. Do you have a problem with me?

Gee, you're just Jewish. I have no real problem with that.

Yes, that's right. The girl that came up from 312 has given birth to a racist.

But that's all right, because we've got, yep, mac and cheese, fried chicken,

some grits, some collard greens, some... Mom, I can't eat all of that. You will

love it.

Hi. Hi, Hattie.

Hi, Hattie.

Oh, coming through.

Sorry.

Tight dress.

Beautiful. Thank you.

This is Stefan.

Hi, Stefan.

Nice to meet you.

They say you were home in Canada.

I heard it's beautiful there.

I don't know. I've never been.

Well, it's so nice of you to do this.

Oh, it's okay.

She loves doing this.

Okay. Good for her to be seen with me. She needs all the closure she can get.

Well, yes.

Let's ask June.

Okay, so my publisher says my fans are going crazy.

Okay, so stay close this time.

Why do you smell like fried chicken?

Okay, we gotta go. You ready?

I'm out of my list. I don't know you.

You can't go in.

but she's been in a lot of movies.

Not any good movies, but, you know, what do you call those movies?

B -movies?

No?

Forbidden Shadow.

You know that one?

No, I have absolutely no idea who you're talking about.

Ah, well.

Hey, you're not missing much.

I mean, but I gotta tell you, she has got... The sweetest ass.

Is this what my career has come to?

Strangers jerking off to my movies at 3 o 'clock in the morning?

He didn't even know my name.

Could have been worse. I mean, could have thought you were Jennifer Love

Okay, what is it?

Is it pain?

Adele, everybody thought that I was going to be a superstar by the time I

19, right?

I've been 19 for 13 years. Something has gone terribly wrong.

Okay, yeah, but while those little starlets were buying Porsches, you were

buying nurses for your mom. Okay, you did good. You bought the house.

Yeah, I bought it with my mediocre movies.

I'm just, I'm just upset.

I mean, not to mention the fact that my ex is, like, fucking everything that

moved.

And...

But the person that I love the most in this world is gone.

Okay.

You know your mama is looking down on you and she is so proud.

Just upset because the one year anniversary is coming up.

Yeah.

Which is understandable.

Now, as far as pain is concerned, one day he's going to be lying in bed

TV with like Halle Berry or something.

And one of your films is going to come on.

And he be the one jerking off to you.

Thanks, I feel much better now.

Servus, Gigi is Doddy. You have a great horoscope today. Now listen.

Ares, your profession power is off the chart. You will be in great demand.

Members of the opposite sex find you irresistible, and don't worry, you'll

sleep alone.

Gigi, by the way, what time is it there?

I did this film with Ben Affleck, and he is

so hot, obviously, but he takes his art really seriously.

He's like a master or something.

Am I not retired yet?

Hi, Gigi. Big fan.

I'm a little concerned about your accent.

I haven't said anything yet. I don't have an accent. Sure you do. You're

Canadian. Oot and a boot. Hoose. Moose.

Haven't seen you in a little while. What sort of things have you been up to

lately?

I've become a woman.

Was that for Universal?

No, I... I mean that I've become a woman me.

Ah.

Have you had a chance to read the materials?

Because, you know, if you like it, we'd really love you to do it for us.

Yes. No, I've enjoyed it.

And, you know, this is sort of a rite of passage for me because it's my first

time auditioning for a mother role.

Oh, really?

Really? Yeah.

No, I guess I'm not an ingenue anymore, right?

I don't know, maybe we should take a moment of silence.

You make me laugh so much.

You know that?

You're just like the strongest and the smartest.

You're my big brave man, aren't you?

I've got to go away.

And I'm going to need you to be even braver.

Okay?

And you remember what I told you.

That no matter what, no matter where, I'm always going to be

with you.

Okay?

That's a wrap on Timmy.

What about my coverage?

Bring in the devil.

Mama, mama.

I could do this for free.

All right, let's rehearse one.

Oh, Timmy, I... I love you

so much.

So much

Feel

like I'm going on a slow boat to China

Slow boat to China

Okay, okay.

I say fucking it. Who cares about Monday anyways? Okay, let's just, come on,

let's go.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Blink,

blink, blink, blink. No Monday, hey.

Happy Valentine's Day. Stella, you owe me a dollar.

Sorry, Sam.

You solved your little problem. Oh, it was just this one kid in the class who

put gum in her hair.

But after ballet class, we had a Denzel retrospective. She knows every line of

craft freedom.

Thank you, Jesus, because I was this close to putting her little ass up for

Is Rick coming tonight?

Oh, no.

This is way too much estrogen for him.

Fuck! You owe me a dollar.

No, no, no, it's okay. She's just a little bit on edge.

She had a pain spotting.

Oh, my God. What did you do?

I bought these.

Very nice.

He's such a dick.

Another dollar?

You know, he's at Fred Siegel's with his new girlfriend, right? I bet he was

buying her something expensive for Valentine's Day.

He never bought me anything from Fred Siegel.

He never bought you anything.

He's such an asshole.

Gigi, now that's three dollars.

Okay, you know what?

Here's a twenty.

It's going to be a long night.

Okay, leave it to my beautiful mother.

to pass away on Valentine's Day.

And as she would say, you can never have enough love, you can never have enough

sex, and you can never have enough sex.

May we all do our best to live up to that.

Amen.

Amen.

Hi! Hi!

Oh my god!

Good for you, baby.

Hi, Ricky!

My favorite girl in the world.

Valentine.

And I'm taking all you girls out on the town tonight, okay?

Let's go, girls. The limo's waiting.

Oh, Rob,

I wish you could come. I know, but I gotta get her home, so have fun. Oh, I

know.

Okay, let's do it again.

This program is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to events persons or

companies is entirely coincidental.