Original subtitles

I was the last one.

Me too.

You're a man.

And you're a woman.

We could.

We could?

I mean, we probably should.

We definitely should.

But before we do, have you seen any white women?

You fucking kidding me?

All right, just hold tight. I'll do a quick check and I'll be right back.

Thank you.

Tracking soldiers, eh?

You man got part!

Oh, he's strapped with soldiers.

Darren is a rat and a poser. Get combated from the strap in my holster.

valued up, running on the up block, slapping up Darren. Let me slap up your

odours. Kick him in the head, mash up my loafers. Go to his mummy, I'll crash on

the sofa. She offered me head with a rash on her toe. She offered me tea, but

won't use coasters. E -9, pussy, that was proper disrespectful.

Ben just came back and did it. You man just thought, could we live it? But that

shit that you said about our man, damn Darren, that shit was inconsiderate.

Because he's dealing with some self -esteem.

He's just only turned 15. He's really going to scare us. So how dare you talk

about this kind of selfless being?

I think I ought to apologise because that shit went full full. It was a nice

kind of offensive that I mentioned. He's mum, I'm not going to lie. Oh, that

Darren, what a guy. Yeah, fam, he's been through a lot in life.

Reminds me of our man them Jamal. Jamal act tough but he wouldn't even sort of

fly. What if I was to bust you on this therapy thing that he goes to every

Wednesday where he tells this nice white lady all he goes through. Is there one

local? Yes fam, I'll show you. How much we owe you? Nah fam, it's so cool. Make

that phone call. We got a coupon thing. Two for one thing, a groupon thing.

Oi you man, therapy work.

Darren's life had never been worse, but he's back to his old self now. He's made

progress mentally. Please tell him to eat. Word. And thanks for the vouchers.

Thanks for handing him out to us. You, man, could benefit from a couple of

sessions where you talk about your anger with counsellors. Now, hold on.

Man, see, man's got, like, anger issues and that. You fucking, man. You, man,

ain't big, man, friend.

Come to the end.

I'll show you anger issues, big man. I'll show you.

in that shit, man.

You crazy?

Detective Mountree, I have been with the extraterrestrial department for a very

long time and I can assure you this is a sign of alien activity.

What that's a sign of is you like fooling around in cow shit.

Now go wash your damn hands. Talking about aliens.

That's some white people shit.

Oh my God, Detective Mountree, you've seen this?

Yeah, goddamn right I'm seeing this.

Hello, baby.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I come in black.

How you like them apples?

Listen, you gonna have to give me about five to ten minutes with this here alien

now so I can investigate thoroughly, you know?

Affirmative.

As in, I'm gonna fuck the shit out of this alien here is what I'm saying to

Right.

That's the girl laying in, right?

I have no idea. That's good enough for me. All right, babe, let's go.

Yeah, man, I like this shit. Yeah, I like that motherfucker, but I can still

work for it.

Come on, bring it in, bring it in, bring it in.

Come here, baby.

Don't be shy.

Where the fuck do you want to put that thing?

Bitches, you crazy, you ain't gonna fit that thing.

Woo!

Turns out E .T. Saw can take some dick.

A black man in a white man's world.

It's quite clear that we've run out of ideas, so we had to rehash a 90s supper

show.

Time to look back through the pages of history and decide once and for all, who

was... The ultimate deadly warrior. This week, a Roman soldier whose

deadly sword, spear, and face ruled the great empire of all time takes on the

might of a Ghanaian mother who, using household items such as flip -flop,

and those long, thin bamboo stick things from the garden, runs her household.

Just how she likes it. How dare you roll your eyes at me? Using our

sophisticated digital reconstruction combat engine, we now get to see what

happen if these two deadly warriors came face to face.

Okay, here we go.

I am so excited about this one.

Which of her weapons will the Ghanaian mother choose, I wonder?

Is that what I think it is?

I don't believe it.

Through the remote control.

He was not expecting that.

And what vile instrument of death is she going to use on him next? It's a HDMI

cable. I do not believe it. Have mercy on his soul.

And there we have it. The Ghanaian mother is the ultimate deadly warrior.

Hey, boy.

What you look for?

We don't look for nothing.

You look for my girl, Leslie?

Nah, man.

I'm with my girl, Trina.

Hey,

boy.

What you look for?

What you look for? No.

What you are look for? What you are look for? What you are look for? What you

are look for?

What you are look for?

You want to swap?

Cart, you want? Bumbo cart. I definitely want to be a cart.

You know,

you have to grab my body. Them are the rules.

I'm standing by the side of the A147 where only moments ago an incredible

chase involving Senegalese footballer Patrick Okongwe Okongwe, recently

transferred to Coventry City in League One, came to a spectacular end.

Patrick, talk us through what happened.

Yes, it was a good chase, a clean chase.

I was very confident going into it and I got off to a quick start. I was very

happy with that. It's just a shame that it did not end so well, you know.

Because you crashed?

Yes. What happened then?

To be honest, I did not see. I was snorting a line of cocaine from the

at the time.

But these things happen in chess, as you know. It's part of the game. What's

next for you, Patrick?

A court case and then maybe prison.

Thanks for speaking with us. It is a pleasure.

Detective Jim Mason, LAPD, hold it right there.

Jim Mason, detective.

Shot down by an evil crime lord named Tupac. Only his brain lives.

But thanks to a crack team of surgeons and modern technology, he is able to

continue his fight against crime.

But this time, undercover, in the body of a black guy.

Jim Mason is Incognigro.

Two -Bit here?

Who's looking for him?

I am.

Well, you found him.

Now, why don't you tell me what it is you want before I smoke you, homie?

I want to join the gang.

What makes you think we need you, homie?

Because I kill cops.

Okay,

you funny, man. I like you. You in the gang?

You're not going to regret this.

Put it there.

Man, that's a white man handshake.

Smoke him. Wait, I can explain.

Hello there, I'm Santa, and this is Tattooisman.

For the past six months, I have been posing as an Instagram model, Blonde

Bombshell Forever.

And in doing so, I have discovered a shocking amount of waste men who are

willing to slide into my DMs. Waste men, just like Curtis here.

Let's go have a little chat, shall we?

Are you Curtis?

You waiting for someone?

Yeah, maybe.

Blonde Bombshell Forever, by any chance?

I don't think that's any of your fucking business.

Yeah, I think it is, because I'm Blonde Bombshell Forever.

What? On June 12th, you, a .k .a. Curtis, bad man Ruth, can't wait to meet

blonde bombshell. How's about Nando's?

I really love Nando's. Do you, Curtis? Do you really love Nando's? But do you

think Nando's is an appropriate place to take a first date when she's a nine,

maybe even a ten? I don't think you should be reading out people's personal

messages online.

Oh, I think we should. Let's have a wuss, shall we? Curtis, I'm not actually

working at the moment. I'm focusing on my music. career?

Ah, you care to? Or do you in fact work at sports, I guess?

Man don't have to listen to this, innit?

Next on my hit list is Phil, who has left a pregnant fiancée at home to meet

Blondangelle, but even more shockingly, plans to use a voucher to pay for the

date. Get high, get!

Brothers and sisters, know this forever in your hearts.

We are doing God's work here tonight.

Thanks to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

The black man is out.

What in the hell?

Yeah, um...

Sort of got the wrong end of the stick here, guys.

Maybe take another look at the Bible.

Focus on the parts about love and compassion and loving thy neighbor.

Otherwise, you know, you're all going to hell.

And that would be a shame.

Peace out.

Wait a minute.

Jesus is a... Happy Dress Down Day.

Jeans? Very stylish.

Don't forget, one pound donation, please.

Wow, beefy. You look nice.

Just something I'd line around, you know.

Okay. Have you got a pound?

No.

Jim Mason was a cop who got shot down by an evil crime warden named Toobin.

But then he was given a second chance when his mind was transplanted into the

body of a black guy.

But then that body that he was just transplanted into was also shot down.

But now he's going to be given a second, I mean third chance when his mind is

put into the body of another black guy. Only this time, he's a little bit

darker.

But will he be able to win a rap battle to secure his place in the gang?

And I guarantee when she sees my car, that girlfriend will take off her bra

because I'm bad.

My name is Jim Mason.

I live in a place in that place.

Full of bees?

Los Angeles?

No, of course not.

Incognigro, join us next week.

Hello, auntie. Good to see you here in church.

I believe you were not in attendance last Sunday.

I had family business.

Answer it, please.

The service is about to start.

May the Lord be with you. And also with you.

And also be with you.

Please be rich.

Please be rich.

Peace. Peace.

Have the peace.

Take the peace. Take the peace. Take the peace.

That was a very interesting service from the pastor today.

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

Amen.

Bye -bye, auntie.

Bye -bye, auntie.

I imagine her legs are just hanging out of her skating heel.

Shame.

Some black British music history.

For a man like me, Scribbler Pootie, black British music is cool as fuck, but

ain't always been mainstream.

So let's take a look back at some of them brothers and sisters of the black

British music industry that helped pave the way for the domination that we're

enjoying today.

Big shout out to Hot Chocolate.

Hey, allow it, cuz. You know your dad pammed your mum to this joint.

Michelle Gill released four top 40 singles.

And she also helped me with some of my own releases, if you get what I mean.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm saying she helped me ejaculate.

She wasn't there, though.

It was just me, innit?

Shout out to my brothers.

Raise up your hands.

All the token black guys in the boy bands.

All rise, Simon from Blue.

Marcel from Blazing Squad. I mean, you too.

Bradley from S Club. Keep your fingers to yourself. No one wants to see that

shit, bro.

And what about Eternal?

Flipping the script and having a token white girl.

And then kicking her out the band.

Harsh. And who can forget the Lighthouse family?

Yeah.

The Lighthouse family.

Gee.

And special mention to E -17, who tried really hard to be black.

Yeah. So fast forward to the 20 -teens, and we've got men like J -Hus, men like

Ray Black, and men like Lethal Fizzle.

And yeah, let's just, let's take a moment to focus on Fizzle, innit? Like,

really, he's quality, innit?

Yeah. Oh.

Bada -bye, bada -bye, over to C -B -O -P. This is Black British Music, it's

from Men Like Ray.

There we go, check this out.

Dear Sir, Madam, I have a great opportunity for you if you are prepared

quickly. I am the owner of several million dollars.

Due to the unsettled political situation in my country, I am keen to send these

funds to a foreign account.

If you could furnish me, furnish me with your back.

But why?

Why is no one getting back to me while I think I've got the money transferred?

There's been a coup d 'etat.

A coup d 'etat.

A coup d 'etat.

There are rebel troops all over the palace.

Oh, I will soon be overthrown.

There's going to be an overthrowing.

So well.

I guess all I can do is keep on emailing.

This is not what I want. I need to make better life choices.

Jim Mason was a cop who got shot down on three separate occasions.

But now he's going to be given a fourth chance, only this time as a black woman.

But will he or she be able to win a dance battle and secure his or her place

the gang?

Obviously not.

Incognito. Coming soon. Oh no, it's been cancelled.

No peeking. I promise I'm not.

What is it?

It's so exciting.

And open them.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Wow. Look at the size of that cookie.

And it's a love heart.

You know what?

I'm going to take a photo of it and upload it to Instagram, just so everyone

see how loved I really am. You don't have to, dear.

Oh, I really do.

Just uploading it. Darling, just eat the cookie.

Ah, look.

Tim Westwood has been posting.

I wonder how he's been spending his Valentine's Day.

Please. Ah.

He's been spending it with three strippers.

In a hotel room.

In a hot tub.

Peter, enough.

And he is over 60 years old.

To be honest.

I feel kind of sorry for him.

It's kind of sad if you ask me.

Oh, that's good then.

I can't carry on with this charade any longer. I'm mad!

Mad with jealousy!

Peter, for God's sake!

Everyone's living their best life except me!

I wilt away like a flower! A flower without a blue tick by its name!

It's just Instagram!

It's everything!

Peter, I am leaving you!

What is it?

It's a comment on my photo.

You really are the luckiest man in the world.

Who's it from?

Your uncle Stephen.

He's got no followers either.

Thank you.