Original subtitles

Very well.

I didn't want to resort to this.

Listen

to

my mixtape.

What? I beg you, listen to my mixtape.

No, I don't want to listen to your mixtape. Do you like music?

Yeah, you look like you like trap music, mumble rap, little bit of electronic

jazz funk soul. I don't like the sound of any of these things.

Brother, I got you.

You're good, you're good, you're good. What is this?

Oh, this is terrible.

What the fuck is this shit now?

I don't like...

Let him listen to track four. That is really shit.

Fantastic Igusi Tutorials presents...

Let's learn how to act, shall we?

The Babatunde Warrington Online Masterclassing.

This new, original, and totally interactive coaching tutorial course

you all the tricks to become the premier actor of Nigeria.

I'm a very good driver.

Definitely a good driver.

You see, I can even do the special needs.

Learn how to do the dramatics.

Yeah. And tenderness.

Yeah.

And anger.

Yeah.

Incredulity. What the fuck is incredulity?

Incredulity. Sad, happy, go again, dickhead. What's your problem?

Embarrassing me. My friend, go again.

Learn how to collaborate with your film crew.

Yes!

I want hot chocolate with marshmallows. Where are my marshmallows? Get out of my

sight, bastard!

Learn how to do your own stunts.

Yeah!

And exclusive bonus feature, playing gay. We could have had a real good life

together.

I wish I knew how to quit, dude.

The Babatunde Warrington Online Masterclasses.

Coming soon.

Start your journey today.

So I was thinking, maybe we should go look for some girlfriends or something.

Not again.

Is your lack of education holding you back? There is Lassif University.

has courses in a wide range of topics at a fraction of the cost of a traditional

college. Yours, Professor Alusi, is like this.

Delete!

But why?

Why is no one joining my online university?

It has cost me a bloody way of fortune.

It is better than all of your... Horsbridge and your half -hours, I have

the best teachers in the world.

Oh, well, I guess all I can do is continue my own lecture in Cinebib.

Okay, let's do this.

So, the process by which a plant is turned to water is called osmosis.

Are you getting there?

Come on, pay attention, because I know you like when I answer attention.

What is your business?

Will you face forward?

Tonight on WPS.

Who do you think you are?

I am the President of the United States.

A brand new series about a strong, powerful woman.

You bring those soldiers home, whatever it takes.

Being strong and powerful and womanly.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Andre.

Well, I had a lovely time, too. In a show written...

entirely by men.

This fall, the leader of the free world... Oh, my God!

I just broke a nail!

...will behave in a way that a team of male writers imagined she might, because

she's a woman.

I may be the most powerful person in the world, but sometimes I just feel like

there's something missing in my life.

I just need you to pick a judge for the Supreme Court.

She looks nice. And be given storylines that would never have been thought up if

she was a man.

I want an economy that works for everybody, not just the rich. And above

everything else, I want a baby.

Woman President, tonight on WBS.

Ain't nothing important.

The Stratford Soldiers are in your arms and I don't see you faggots doing

nothing about it.

Stratford Soldiers.

We find the word faggot.

Very offensive.

Especially to my boy Erkan here.

Yeah, listen, he's recently made the boldest move to come out as gay. Do you

know how much courage that takes?

Especially, yeah, with the deeply homophobic views of most of these little

street crews.

You understand that?

Message over.

E -Night and Posse, we're sorry for any offence we've caused and we wish Erkan

the best.

In fact, Erkan's story has inspired one of our own. Chris here, raise your hand,

Chris.

to come out himself.

Not easy, but he has our full support.

So respect to Chris here and to your Erkan.

Message over.

Hey, yo, Chris.

It's actually brave what you did, you know?

See my boy Erkan here?

He's actually kind of feeling you. He thinks that you're kind of cute.

So obviously he's asking me to ask you if you'd like to go on a little date

night. That's cool with us as well. You've got a hood pass. You've got a

pass, yeah?

Yeah. All right, say nothing, say nothing.

That's a bold move from Erkan. But I've had a chat with Chrissie, and he thanks

Erkan for his interest, but says Erkan's not really his type. Message over.

No, he's tight.

Are you fucking mad?

My man's out of your league, you know? You understand that? Before my man came

out, he was getting basic.

Now he's getting basic.

Are you fucking mad? Hey, yo, you're dirty.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for

the bride and groom to dance with their family. So it's time for you to show

your generosity.

Hey, which of your relatives has the deepest pockets, huh? So just flash the

gun!

Shame. Shame.

It's not even real gold. Yeah, it's thick, thickness.

What is it?

I'm so excited.

Wow.

Slippers. Best dad in the world. You know what? I'm going to share a photo of

this incredible gift on Instagram. Show the world how blessed I really am.

Or you could cut your cake.

Won't take a minute, dear.

The cake me and the kids have spent all day baking.

And it uploaded.

Good.

OK, so now you can put the phone down.

Oh, look.

It's Cardi B's birthday too.

What a coincidence.

An off -bed has bought her a jet ski.

Darling. A Porsche.

Peter. And a jet. A private jet.

I tell you, forever damned to spend eternity in suffering and surrounded by

children.

Children I never even wanted in the first place.

The slippers.

Remember the slippers?

Shove them up your arse!

I wanted jewellery.

£100 ,000 worth of jewellery on my wrist, just like Post Malone does.

Is that too much to ask?

Literally everyone has a better life than me, according to Instagram.

I don't believe it.

I just got a comment on my photo.

Cool slippers, bro.

Who said that?

Biscuit from Bat Chat.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

You know how I feel.

That gender pay gap's real.

And it makes me feel so angry, baby.

Did you know that women are more likely to get interrupted by a man in a

meeting? Of course you did.

And I just may explain that to you.

Listen,

baby.

It gets me so mad, so mad, that only 23 % of chief

executives are women.

Ready? Ready.

Wow,

Barry. You're so fucking woke.

Barry Woke Sexual Equality, featuring the hit singles Baby It's Cold Outside

I'm Happy To Call You An Uber. No means no, even if you say it's sexy.

And of course, you're my first, my last, my whatever you self -identify as.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, brothers and sisters, how you doing?

I've got some very exciting news for y 'all.

Thanks to your very general donations, we have now raised a staggering $500

,000.

Which now means we only need another $500 ,000 and then I can buy my very own

private jet.

Now, a lot of you are wondering why does a pastor need his very own private jet?

And I will tell you for why. I had a dream and in that dream Jesus came to me

and he said, Pastor, I need you to spread my word far and wide. And I said,

Jesus. How can I spread your word far and wide if I have not been blessed with

wangs? And then Jesus, he said to me... Hey,

it's

me, Jesus.

Um... Yeah, look, don't give this guy any more money.

He's a dick.

Seriously.

Peace.

Fuckin' day at work.

Hey, what up? This is Fuckboy. About to drop my new album featuring my new

single, Fuckin' Day at Work.

Fuckboy a real trapper, yeah, real gun clapper, yeah, money in the trap, yeah,

boys are like bad kids.

Got to get another face tattoo up in this motherfucker right now. Mark the

occasion and shit.

So there we are. The loan has been put in place, and in the information packs

provided, you will find the various repayment plans we can offer.

But please, do feel free to ask me any questions that you may have.

Bearing in mind that I have already explained the face tattoo and my brief

career in the music industry in quite some detail.

Okie dokie. Let me print the loan certificate and then you are good to go.

Oh, this? Yeah, me.

The African savannah and the continent's abundant wildlife.

It's fucking mad, bruh!

It's time for some African wildlife TV.

with a man like me.

It's even more violent than Catford.

And it's filled with more sex than all the websites I've bookmarked on my mum's

laptop. I really hope she doesn't figure out how to see that shit. Please, mum.

Even birds are more interesting in Africa.

Look at my man trying to beat.

Are you mad, thirsty blood?

Play it cool, man. Play it cool.

Wanga, wanga, wanga, wanga, wanga, wanga, wanga. I didn't even fancy you

These African cows are butters.

And who could forget our closest living relative, the chimpanzee.

Although my dick looks nothing like that.

You want to get that checked out, cuz.

And hey, if you thought McGregor and Mayweather was a mad link -up, look at

giraffe like these lions.

Go on, my long -necked soldier.

I believe in you, G.

You can do it. You can.

Ah, lucky, cuz.

But nature isn't always cruel. This leopard is actually protecting this

impala from... Oh, no, he's eating him.

Hey, you man, remember that bit in Lion King where Simba and Nala linked up,

yeah? Yeah, well, they missed this shit out, innit? My girls are nip.

So, yeah, if you're planning a trip on safari, be prepared.

Because fuck road men, Africa's got road elephants.

Yeah, I'd rather just go hackney farm.

It's cheaper still.

That's all the African wildlife TV.

From man like Rick, Scribbler P.

Inspector Hardwick, Internal Affairs.

Interview commencing Tuesday 4th of December.

Would the interviewee please state your name?

Detective Moses Moundtree, reporting for duty.

Now, what is it I can help you internally investigate? Ready?

Detective Moundtree, you have been accused... of having sexual relations

345 suspects.

Guilty! You have also been accused of using the term honky 2

,081 times while on duty.

Yeah, I know.

Man, you gotta do better.

It should be double!

Honky, honky, honky!

Honky, honky, honky!

Honky, honky, honky! Honky, honky, honky! Honky!

I promise I'll do better next time.

That's your word.

You have also been accused of using the term nigger while... Whoa, whoa, what

the fuck is wrong with you?

I didn't say that shit. You got the wrong man.

Thistle June, you said, and I quote, God damn, I said get me a vanilla latte,

not this pumpkin spice shit. What type of work experience nigger is you?

I said nigger, N -I -G -G -A.

Ain't nobody add the E -R on the end of that motherfucker.

You should be ashamed of yourself using that kind of language.

Bitch.

These are very serious accusations, Detective Moundtree. Serious?

You want to stay serious?

What about the man?

The man want to see Moundtree get serious? I'm a nice bitch! Detective

Moundtree, the man is not watching us. Who do you think I'm, motherfucking

stupid?

I could have sworn it was one of those, uh... Two -way? Two -way? Hell yeah, I

want a two -way. The fuck you short this one?

You want a three -way?

Mirror?

I was talking about a two -way mirror.

Why didn't you say something then?

You got me fucking holding my breath for my motherfucking freeze frame. You

ain't even my goddamn type.

So by this point, I had been looking for hours, and I was just so over it. But

then I saw P. Diddy, and I was like, hey, that's my jacket.

We had the same jacket. Can you believe it? It was so funny.

Oh,

you're working. Yeah, got to work. Busy, busy, busy. Okay, I'll leave you to it.

All right, I'll see you. See you soon.

I actually have to go this way, so I'm going to go this way.

Hello?

A .O .J.

Look, I really don't have time to be talking right now.

I tagged you in the B, cuz.

What?

I tagged you with a beam, cuz.

You see it?

No. It's funny, though.

Is it?

I had my creases drilled.

I'm not doing it.

Fuck your meme, bruv.

53 people died in a bomb blast in central London today.

Also among the dead was Jason Stevens, a bomb disposal expert.

Confusion has arisen as to why Stevens was typing a comment on a meme only

seconds before the blast.

Though, in fairness, this particular meme, featuring a cat wearing a

with the words, Nope, wasn't me, you must have fed a completely different

is pretty hilarious.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the families.

Night, fellas.

Oh, night, Suzanne.

Bye.

Fuck a day of work.

Fuck a day of work.

Ah,

Mr. Henderson.

Good evening, sir. I was just, uh... Uh... Sorry.

We'll be right back.