Original subtitles

Jim, Jim, I got a real problem. I'm missing a lot of money from my online

account. Hold on a second. What was the name of that guinea pig you had when you

were a kid?

Oh, Butterscotch.

Like Princess Di and James Dean, you left us too soon.

No.

So you think someone's hacking into your account?

No, no, I'm very protective, and I'm constantly changing my passwords. Yeah,

know you are.

Hey, how do you spell your mother's maiden name?

G -H -A -F -A -R -R -Y.

Bingo!

What do you mean?

Uh, you know, uh... Bingo was her name -o.

Dad, your delivery from Steak of the Month Club came.

Bingo!

And bingo was her steak -o.

Heard that verse?

Jim, I would not get into business with the steak people. Do you know they

charge me every month for meat I don't get?

Hey, listen, can you do me a favor?

I can't seem to find that little three -digit security code in the back of my

credit card.

Oh, it's that little number. Here, I'll show you on your card. Can you show me

on yours? Because mine's in my pocket and I don't want to stand up.

Sure, best friend.

No, uh...

Not that one, the gold card.

You know, the one with the high limit?

High limit?

No limit.

That's it.

Got it.

Bingo!

And bingo was the number o -

We volunteered to build that new rec room at the Disabled Children's Center.

Really? That doesn't sound like me.

I signed us up. No, you can sign you up.

Only I can sign me up.

And I haven't signed up for anything ever since that kid from Africa came

here looking for his 35 cents a day.

Come on.

Volunteering is the right thing to do. For once in your life, can you just take

the high road?

How dare you, Cheryl.

I'm totally offended by that.

Name one time you've done a good deed. I've done it dozens of times.

Okay, you want one time? Yeah, I do. All right. You know what?

Here's one.

I am an organ donor.

Right here. There's a sticker on my license. Fine.

You'll do one good deed when you're dead.

Yeah. Yeah, and you and the children will enjoy a hefty chunk of change from

states.

Jim, they don't pay you for your organs.

Well, forget it. They didn't make that clear at the DMV.

You see, you see, you see, that is exactly the problem. You can't make a

road person out of a low road person.

Yeah, well, down here in the low road, we don't need to feel good.

No, no, we don't have to be nice to people that we don't like.

We're not afraid to hurt people or not report all our income.

And I am not ashamed to say that this whole time I've been talking, I've been

staring at your boobs.

I'll tell you what.

If you come with me to the children's center, you can stare at them all day.

How cold will it be there?

This should cover the cost of all the stuff I stole from you online.

Trust me. It'll never happen again.

You're damn right it won't.

I will admit, you did teach me a good lesson about the dangers of the

Andy, that's why I did it.

No, sir. You won't catch this guy banking online.

I do it all over the phone now with a secret password.

Not a dime goes out unless I say, Afghanistan, Bananastan.

Very smart.

I know, right?

Jim! Get in here!

What? I just got a call from Mrs. Kretzer at the Children's Center.

Fine. I'll return the wheelchair.

Jim.

I've never seen that look on your face before.

What is it?

Ginger is very impressed with the work you did on the rec room.

Oh, honey, come on. I was hanging drywall with a blind kid and a guy with

arm. Of course I'm going to look good.

They're honoring you with their star volunteer award.

They want to give it to Dad? Yeah.

There's an awards dinner.

Dinner? Yeah.

With people?

And speeches and dancing.

Oh, Cheryl, you know what? I'd love to go, but unfortunately that night I'm

reading to the blind.

And then the next night I'm going to be smelling for the noseless.

Jim. Really?

We're doing ketchup and rye and cinnamon.

You're going.

Yes, I am.

Jim came with a hammer, and he left with our hearts.

He put up drywall, but he didn't leave a dry eye.

He spackled with us. Could you wrap this up, sweetie?

Dancing with the Stars is on in ten minutes.

It turns my wife on, and I just want to be there when that happens.

Very well.

Jim, thank you so much. And please, accept the center's star volunteer.

award, as well as this oversized check for $1 ,000.

I can't tell you how much

this means to me.

I only wish there were more disabled children in the world so I could help

all.

those pictures of the kids.

I have never been so proud of you. Oh, and you're going to be prouder of me

you see how fast I burned through that thousand bucks.

Andy, I am open to suggestions, please. Okay. Hey, hey, I saw online where

someone's selling Vince Lombardi's hat from when the Packers won the first two

Super Bowls. Oh, the Packers.

I hate them.

Well, buy it and burn it. Perfect. You have to give the money back to the

charity.

What? It's their money.

Uh, no, Cheryl.

Jim.

Pay to the order of Jimmy.

You're supposed to give the money back all the honorees to. It's understood.

By whom?

Everybody. Everybody returns the money. It's a given. No, Cheryl.

This was a given to me.

I'm giving it back.

No.

Scoreboard. Thank you.

How can you, in good conscience, take $1 ,000 from a children's center? I'm not

taking it. They gave it to me for the reward of a lifetime of doing good

What good deeds?

Cheryl, I told you I work with the noseless.

After ten minutes on the high road, you took the first exit.

Why am I surprised?

Okay, let's get online and get you that hat. Forget it.

Why? You know she's never going to let me do that.

God, why'd you marry her? There, I finally said it.

You know what Cheryl's problem is? She's been on the high road too long.

Yeah, up there tossing her hair, waving her hand like Miss America and giving

her organs away for free.

I've been sick of her for years. Say it, Jim.

You hate her.

I don't hate her.

I hate giving this check back.

Then don't.

Cash the check.

You can't cash cardboard, Andy.

But we will cash the little check. Now you're talking. Yeah, take that.

It'll miss perfect.

No, no, no.

We'll cash the check and we're going to take Cheryl on a little trip in the

trunk of your car.

No.

No. Somewhere that's particularly lovely this time of year.

Epcot? No.

Graceland? No.

Dollywood? Australia?

Epcot? No.

Stop it.

We're going to take you for a trip on the low road.

You know, there are a lot of places to hide a body at Epcot.

There she is!

Yes, what a surprise. I'm in the kitchen.

You know what, Cheryl? I realized that if there was anyone in this house that

deserved the reward for doing good, it is you.

Oh, honey, not now.

The kids are home and my back is killing me.

No, Cheryl.

Although I like where you're going with that.

No? I bought you a gift.

Oh, Jim, nothing you can buy me would make... Oh!

Oh, my God.

Is that a Stéphane baton?

Well, look whose bat just got better.

How did you know that every woman in the world is dying to get their hands on

this purse?

I didn't. I asked Annie which purse she liked.

Jim, a Stéphane baton is not a purse.

It's a vessel for a woman's soul.

No, honey, it is an overpriced, very expensive status symbol. But you know

You deserve it, Cheryl.

Because you, you're good.

You're really good, honey, you are. No, no, I can't, no.

It belongs to charity. You're right, Cheryl.

So I'm going to just take this back to the store right now.

Well, I could return the bag tomorrow because I've got a

PTA meeting tonight. I mean, there's nothing wrong with showing it off a

Oh, yeah, why not?

It's only one night. One magical night. One magical night with hand -stitched

Italian glory.

Come on, Stefan Baton.

We're going to build our outfit around you. Yes, we are. Yes, we are.

Hi, Andy.

Here on the Low Road Tours, we pride ourselves on on -time departure.

You were right, Jim. This was way better than killing her.

Oh, I can't wait to see Cheryl's face when she has to return that bag.

Because it was the right thing to do.

I'll call mall security and see if we can buy the surveillance tape. Oh,

great, great. And if she's crying on it, we'll put it on the internet.

Then we'll make her watch it and she'll cry again.

You've got a lot of unresolved anger issues from your childhood.

You got a problem with that dad?

I mean, Jim.

Couldn't do it.

Oh, couldn't do it, huh?

Well, I guess you can't turn a high road person into a low road person.

Go ahead, Cheryl.

Say it. Say what?

Say, I'm a low road person.

Cheryl, say it!

I'm a low road person.

I'm a low road gal.

Let me make her say it. I've heard enough. Settle down. Okay, okay, okay.

I like it down here.

I feel a little dirty, but I got hand sanitizer in my new bag.

Well, Cheryl, I'm going to make this easy for you because I love you so much.

I'm going to take the bag back, return it, and take the money and give it to

charity. Yeah, here's the thing.

I'm keeping the bag.

What? I'm keeping it.

I've done charity work my whole life. I don't have a thing to show for it.

Cheryl, that is not fair.

Well, Jim, down here on the low road... We don't play fair.

Cheryl! I have spent 19 years in this marriage with you on my arm. It's time

an upgrade.

Scoreboard Cheryl!

Whose side are you on?

The side of breezy banter.

Andy, we've got to get that purse back.

Forget about it. She's going to take that thing everywhere she goes.

Yes.

Yes, but I've got news for Blondie.

There's a road even lower than the low road.

The gym road.

Not your best effort.

Highway Gym 95?

Attaboy!

I just want to return the purse.

And I've told you we can't accept returns on a bag that's been used.

It hasn't been used, you see. I gave it to my wife and poor thing passed away.

Thank God she was an organ donor.

I mean, that way, you know, I'm covered financially.

So, as she died, she opened the bag and put in lip balm, almonds.

Pictures of kids?

Oh, no, no, that came with the bag.

You're in the pictures.

I'm a model.

No, I've been modeling for years. One minute, sir.

Andy, Andy, you're supposed to be looking out for Cheryl.

Sure, sure.

Just a heads up, though, my chest is kind of tight.

What is your problem?

We stopped running two hours ago, the car was parked around a corner, and you

took a shower.

Yeah, but the mall escalator was out.

Andy, you've got to keep an eye out. There he is. There is the man who stole

bag. She's coming.

Let me help her away from the bag, sir.

No, no, officer, you have to understand that that bag is mine.

I have the receipt.

The receipt was in the bag when he stole it. It's mine.

Officer, do you know CPR?

Not now. This is a crisis.

Listen, officer, let me explain, all right?

You see, I won an award, and I wanted to burn Vince Lombardi's hat. But instead,

I bought her a purse and gave it to her so she couldn't keep it.

I'm trying to teach my wife a lesson.

Your wife?

Yes, I'm married to her.

Him, me. Come on.

Jeff! Andy!

Do something!

Andy, come on!

You've got to believe me. I was just taking her on the long road.

Ha! In your face!

I'm about to go on break. Do you still want to return this? Let me ask you

something. If this bag looked this good on you, would you return it?

Oh!

Good enough for the both of us.

Scarborough.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

From jail.

Here. I brought you some delousing soap.

Careful, it burns.

How'd you make bail?

Two words, Cheryl.

Afghanistan, Bananastan.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I guess I just needed some time to figure out what my priorities are.

Priorities?

It's a purse!

I'm your husband!

I know.

That's why it took so long.

Cheryl, you know what? I take you for a little test drive on the low road.

You steal a car, knock over a liquor store, and run me over.

I'm surprised, too.

I am really good at being bad.

Yeah,

well, that is not good for our marriage. From now on, one of us has to be on the

high road at all times.

One of us?

Yeah, you know, you.

Who's that?

Oh, the one phone call I had. I called that lady from the children's shelter.

Hi.

Oh, Tim, you sounded upset on the phone. Yeah, well, I'd gotten some soap in my

eyes. But I'm nice free.

Oh, great.

Come on in. We called because Cheryl and I wanted to make a donation to the

charity.

Cheryl?

Here.

We thought maybe you could auction it off at the next fundraiser.

Oh, is this a Stefan baton? I never held a real one.

It's so supple.

I wrote, I wrote, I wrote.

You know what? You should be able to get a thousand bucks for that at the

auction. Yeah, of course.

Auction it.

Thank you.

Well, I better go.

The children need me.

at the next fundraiser, will you?

There is no way that I'm going to be there.

Excellent.

She's going to keep my bag.

No way in hell. If we can't have it, she can't have it.

Back to the logo?

Put the ski mask on. We'll jack her in the driveway.