Original subtitles

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Hey, honey.

Hey.

You stuck like that?

Yeah, kind of.

See, an hour ago, the Cubs were losing, and I put my foot on the table, and

Ramirez hit a home run.

Then 20 minutes later, I put my hand on the chair to balance myself.

Derek Lee drives two runs in.

Well, honey, I hope your Cubs win. Oh, thank you, ma 'am.

And that's a single up the middle, and the Cubs have died the game.

Don't move.

And that's the ball game. Guns clear.

Guns clear. Yes!

We did it. We did it. We did it. We did it. We did it. Thank you, baby.

And game two of our doubleheader will begin in 20 minutes.

All right. Come on.

But I have to go to the bathroom.

In three hours, Kyle.

Come on, Mom. It's just the mall.

All the other kids are going, but no parents are going. You're too young.

I'm 14.

In biblical times, 14 -year -olds were mothers.

why you're not going.

God, Mom, how can you be so uncool?

Years of practice.

Yeah, a lot of years.

You should hope you got this going on when you're my age.

No, no, it's just the mall, Jim. All the other guys are going.

No, no way. It's a work day.

Axis Power of Evil 3 comes out at 10 a .m. It's the biggest video game of the

year. I'm going to camp out all night so I'm first in line.

Andy, no way you're going to do that. You're going to sleep at work all day.

I am 34 years old. I can make my own decisions.

You know, in biblical times, I'd be dead by now.

Andy, you wouldn't be dead, but two of every animal would be trying to board

you.

is not good what are they fighting about i don't know and i don't care ruby's

going through one of those difficult times that all girls go through you know

between the ages of 14 and 80 well aren't you gonna do something no way no

way do you get between a daughter and a mother fighting only thing you do is

hose them down

war zone here.

Yeah, get the hose.

Speaking of war zones, Axis Power of Evil 3 has five customizable levels of

multiplayer carnage.

Forget it, Andy!

I'll let you be Hitler.

Stalin?

Hugo Chavez, you like him.

I don't like him, I just think he dresses well.

Now, You're not going to the mall.

Fine.

Ruby, this is your father. Get down here right now. I need to talk to you.

Hey, what the hell?

You forced my hand, Jim, so take that.

What does that mean?

Oh, it's a little something I'm trying to see if it'll catch on. And I'm

out at the mall.

You're going to vacuum?

You're so funny and so easy to talk to.

Ruby, stop trying to butter me up.

I just wish Mom could be cool like you.

What's on your mind, sweetheart?

You know what's great about you, Dad?

You just go with the flow. You don't get all worked up about stuff.

Yeah, that is great about me.

I mean, you're on a list of many great things.

Exactly. Why can't Mom be that cool?

Can you believe she won't let me go to the mall because there aren't going to

any parents around?

That is so her.

Totally. Totally.

With her, everything has to be like an epic freakout.

Let me explain something to you, Ruby.

Moms go through this thing called the change, where they go from cool to

And sometimes they get hot for no reason at all.

I guess there's just no way to change her mind about this. I mean, you know.

She's not the cool one.

I'll talk to her for you. Oh, my God, you would?

Yeah.

You're the coolest dad ever. I hope you never go through the change.

Well, the change is a little different for dads.

When they go through the change.

They get a young girlfriend and a fast car.

I'll talk to your mom.

Let me do my little gym magic.

Oh, hey, Cheryl.

I just got home.

You did not.

I saw you cowering by the door when I was fighting with Ruby.

I was not cowering. Oh, yeah? Why were you holding hands with Andy?

Because I was scared.

Because your daughter is out of control. Okay, now wait a minute. I just talked

to her, all right?

Oh, yeah? Yeah. And you know what?

Possibly the small thing, you could relax a little bit.

Relax?

Not relax. Not that word.

Or calm down.

Any of those words that you hate. Not that.

Okay. What did Ruby say to you?

Nothing. Huh?

Nothing at all.

It's just that...

You know, her friends are going. The mall's a safe place. You don't need an

freakout here.

Epic freakout, Jim? Yeah. What, did Ruby write down the exact words she wanted

you to say to me?

No, Cheryl.

Huh? You know, just maybe I know how to talk to kids.

Oh. Yeah.

And it turns out that I might be just a little cooler than you.

You're cooler than me.

That's what I've been told.

Yeah.

By who?

People.

My peeps.

Your peeps? My peeps. They're out there. Just ask them.

You know what I'm going to ask? I'm going to ask Ruby.

Because she's working you like a hand puppet, and you don't even know it.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well... What is that?

Look who's not so cool now.

freak out i guess that means i can't go i guess mom's the boss hold

it she is not the boss she is middle management i am the ceo the cfo

the mvp and the ayatollah of rock and roller daddy what are you saying i am

saying you're going to the

I'll just tell your mom I'm taking you to your friend's house to study.

And then us cool people will have a cool secret.

Are you cool with that?

Totally.

All right. Just so I know what I'm talking about here.

Just the mall, right?

Yes. Are there going to be any boys there?

Probably.

Any drugs?

I have no idea.

Okay. As long as I've asked the tough questions.

Where Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez addressed the United Nations.

What was he wearing? What was he wearing?

Hey, my beautiful young doll.

Did he have fun?

Yeah, it was awesome.

Were there boys there?

Yeah.

Any drugs?

No. Yes.

Thank you for making your old man look so good. I knew I was right to trust

Thanks for believing in me, Dad. Aw, baby.

Me and my friends were talking, and you got voted second coolest dad.

Aw, baby, thanks.

Wait a minute.

Second?

I let you roam around a mall infested with boys and drugs, and I'm second?

Number two's good.

Come on, what do I got to do to be number one?

I mean, I'm already in a band.

Aaron's dad lets her drive his car sometimes.

All right.

Hands at ten and two.

Very good.

Okay, now, just give it a little gas.

This is so cool.

Epically cool?

Epically cool would be if I could drive without you in the car.

I think I'm good with just regular cool.

Can I do donuts?

No.

How about a bootlegger's turn with the e -brake?

I don't even know what that is.

How about I scare that nerd?

As long as you got your seatbelt on.

Ten and two. Ten and two.

It was.

All right, listen.

This stays between you and me, right?

Got it. All right, because believe me, if your mom's not cool enough to let you

go to the mall, she's not cool enough to let you drive at night, underage,

without a license.

But hey, we're not drinking.

And you finished all your homework.

Most of it. Yes!

Most of your homework.

Can I borrow it?

Go to the mall and get your own.

Oh, hell no.

No, no, no. Three days ago, some maniacs tried to run me down. I think they were

on drugs.

So, Jim, when are you going to tell me?

Right now.

I love you, Cheryl.

You backed into my van with your truck.

I didn't know I did that.

Was I hurt?

Oh.

Jim, how many times have I warned you about backing out of the garage without

looking? I always look.

No, you don't. You're always messing with the radio or putting sugar in your

coffee. Or plucking nose hairs. I've seen it.

You know, all I hear are accusations. I see no hard evidence.

Okay. There's a dent in the back of your truck that exactly matches a dent in

the front of my van.

That's pretty good evidence.

And I'm guessing your truck didn't drive itself.

Oh, I see.

So you didn't do it.

And no one else in this family has a license.

Right.

So I guess logically, then, it would be me.

Jim. Can't believe you'd do that to a member of your own family.

Kyle, look, Santa Claus.

Afternoon.

Wait.

Tony, you have something to say to me?

Yeah.

We're out of apple juice.

I can't believe you're leaving me hanging with your accident.

My accident? There's plenty of hard evidence that it's your accident.

Knock it off.

Sit down.

Now, I know you backed my truck into Mom's van.

I wanted to practice driving.

You and Mom went for a walk, and the keys were just sitting there. Look.

Mistakes were made.

Yeah, I think having you might have been one of them.

Now, you've got to come clean, and you've got to tell your mom everything.

Everything? Yes, everything.

Can I back your truck into her van? Yes.

Because you let me drive the truck the other night?

Hold on, Missy.

I know what you're trying to do here, and it's not working.

Oh, really? Yes, really.

cool dad but i didn't feel cool at all

oh

wow you know a father looks forward to those

moments in his daughter's life the first words the first steps not the first

blackmail well here's one for your photo album an 11th grader is having a party

Saturday night, and guess who's decided she's going?

You're kidding me.

Nope. And you're driving me.

What?

Unless you want me to go talk to Mom.

What, have you lost your mind?

Oh, Jim.

Jim!

You got me handcuffed, girl.

Nice job.

Makes you feel any better?

I feel really bad jacking you up like this.

That is a lie.

Wow, look at that.

You're so cool you can recognize that I'm lying to you.

Ruby!

And I'll text you with the address of your new foster home.

Perhaps you've forgotten.

I've got you handcuffed.

Yeah, you know, I was thinking about that.

You do have me handcuffed.

And now, I have you handcuffed. You can't do that to me! Yes, I can!

Oh my gosh, Ruby. I'll just talk to Zach. He was totally asking about you.

That is totally epically awesome!

Let's go see if Zach wants to dance. Josh, do you really think Zach wants to

dance? Totally.

Totally? Let's go dance, baby. Come on, let's go dance.

Could you guys give me a second? I need to pay my cab driver.

Do I look like a cab driver?

Take me home.

Take you home? What do you want to go now for? We just got here. I'm not going

to let you embarrass me in front of all my friends. How can I embarrass you,

Ruby? I'm the second coolest dad going.

Come on. Let's dance.

Wow.

Start talking.

Do I have to?

Unless you want to be handcuffed to me at the prom, start talking.

Oh, come on, Ruby. You're a good kid. I don't know why you're acting like this

all of a sudden.

Because lately, Mom won't let me do anything.

And I'm not a little kid anymore.

That's true.

You lie like an adult.

And you blackmail like the Russian mob.

I wasn't totally making it up.

You are kind of the cool one.

I just mean I can talk to you.

And that's the kind of reward I get for being cool?

You take advantage of me?

I know.

I shouldn't have done that.

But it was so easy.

Oh.

Well, you know, it's my fault too.

I mean, I shouldn't have lied to your mother for you.

I know.

I mean, it's wrong, it doesn't help, and how the hell are you going to learn to

lie for yourself?

What am I supposed to do?

You want my advice?

Leave me the hell out of it.

I mean, come on, face it.

I've got to take your mom's side on these things, Ruby.

Why?

We're a team.

And when you leave the house, you're not going to take half my stuff.

Great. Be prepared for a lot of screaming then.

Ruby, if things get bad, I'll be there for you.

I mean, I can't do anything or help you, but I'll be there for you.

I'm never going to fight with my daughter.

All right.

Wait until she takes your car without permission and crashes into your other

car. All I'm hearing is I've got two cars.

Honey, you just gotta give it some time.

Trust me.

You and your mom will work things out.

Thanks, Dad.

You are cool.

Yeah.

Hey!

What the hell was that?

Oh my God, you hit Mom's car!

We need to talk.

Okay.

The thing is, we can't... Ruby, let me handle this. Why don't you go upstairs

and hit the sack?

You sure?

Yeah.

Oh.

That was unexpected.

You know, Cheryl, maybe I don't say this enough, but...

You're a good mother.

Even more unexpected.

You know, Cheryl, I need to talk to you about your car.

I am just tired of hiding the truth.

Well, Jim, I am very happy to hear that.

I didn't hit it.

And he did.

Both times.

What do you mean both times?

Well, again tonight.

Really? Yes.

Oh, my God. And to think I felt so bad for him when he almost got run over at

the mall.

He makes those stories up. I think he's on drugs. Oh, my God.