Original subtitles

Hi, girls.

Hi, Dad.

Dad,

stop trying to get on America's Funniest Home Videos.

I need that $10 ,000. Five grand each for your college fund.

Sorry, Kyle.

Oh,

your Uncle Andy's coming.

Demon Boy, back in the closet.

What's with the camera?

We're doing a school project on morbid obesity.

So just act natural.

Hi, hilarious.

You know, girls, we share some DNA.

Odds are one of you two gets these thighs.

Hand me my candy.

Oh, baby.

Come on, girls. It's $10 ,000.

They don't just give it away.

But I like the effort.

You know what? When your mommy comes back from visiting Aunt Dana, we'll try

fake dog poop in the bed.

I don't have a dog.

You have a brother.

Scat!

Jim, Jim.

Oh, I gotta talk to you.

This is big news. Major life decision here.

So I should mute Wheel of Fortune?

Yes, please.

What? I'm going to propose to Emily. I'm going to ask her to marry me. Bad move.

So, what do you think? Worst idea of your life.

So, you're on the fence?

Disaster, train wreck, car crash.

Don't do it.

Oh, Guns of Navarone. Got it. To waste my time, C -Shack.

I don't get it, Jim. I love Emily. She loves me. I've been carrying around a

ring for weeks looking for the right moment.

Andy, trust me, I am a great reader of people.

Emily is not ready.

Well, I am. No, Andy, you are a desperate, lonely man who doesn't want

alone.

Desperate, lonely people can get married, too. Yeah, but if you ask her

soon, you're going to blow it.

Remember the time you proposed to that woman on the plane?

We had a connection. She gave me peanuts.

Andy, she was the flight attendant.

You think you have a connection with everybody? You think you even connect to

women at red lights?

Oh, remember that one? She really gave me the eye.

She was a cop and you were drinking.

When she patted me down, she lingered.

Jim, Jim, no, I'm telling you, Emily is the one.

I really want her to be my wife. Well, then don't propose to her too early.

Otherwise, you're going to blow it.

You're going to lose her. You know, you only get one shot at this, Andy.

Okay, okay.

Thanks, buddy.

Good, good, good.

Don't rush things. Oh, yeah.

And what did you buy the ring?

Oh, it's an antique that belonged to my grandmother.

Mom overnighted it when she heard I had a second date with Emily.

Andy, you ready to go shopping?

My Andy man needs new undie pants.

Oh,

going underwear shopping, huh? Well, elastic has a shelf life. I mean, I've

fallen out of the hammock once or twice.

Oh, honey, bat in the cave.

Oh, dear.

No, I got it. I got it.

Okay,

blow.

Other side.

Big finish.

That is the sweetest, most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life.

Andy, you got a minute?

I'd like to talk to you in the kitchen. Yeah.

Oh, one second.

Well,

Andy.

You have to propose to that woman.

What? Yeah.

She's ready. She's practically begging.

You just told me it was too soon.

I didn't know all the facts.

know about the nose blowing and underwear buying?

I mean, if you want me to help you, I gotta know this information.

I didn't think it was relevant. It's nothing. It's like when she trims my

eyebrows.

She's trimming your eyebrows?

How long has this been going on?

Six weeks.

Andy, six weeks.

Andy. Andy, do I offend you?

Have I offended you? You cut me out of your life like this?

She's been trimming your eyebrows for six weeks. She's... My God.

I think it's too late.

Too late? Too late for what? To propose to her.

Well, you've been ignoring her signals for so long. She's probably tired of it.

You know what?

I bet she's on to the next man.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, I'm going to lose her. I'm going to lose her. Not if you

propose to her this very minute. Really? Yes, trust me. I'm a great reader of

people. But that's not true, Jim.

You're not a great reader of people. You're just louder than everyone else.

Andy!

Okay, just listen to me.

Okay?

I don't want to scare you.

But this is your very last shot at happiness ever.

Oh, my God.

So now get in there and propose to that woman and make her your wife. Okay.

Now I really do need new underpants. Come on.

Honey, I just need to hit the bathroom and then we can go. There's no time for

this. Oh, but I really do need to... This can't wait.

I have something very important to ask you. Jim has something very important to

ask you.

Emily,

I love you.

Put this ring on your finger and say you'll be my wife.

Oh, my God.

You're the only woman for me.

Yeah, I want you to blow my nose and trim my eyebrows forever.

Yes. Yes, you'll marry me or yes, you'll blow my nose.

Yes, I'll marry you and I'll blow your nose and I'll trim your eyebrows and

pluck your back hair.

But right now I'm about to pee my pants.

I've wanted to hear those words for so long.

Thank you, Jim.

Thank you for guiding me.

Actually, you're making a big mistake.

A mistake?

You just told me she was ready.

And, and she said yes.

Andy, trust me. I'm a great reader of people.

Emily was not excited about getting married. When a woman is excited, she

like this.

Yes, yes, oh my God, oh my God.

Yeah, that's not her style.

Yeah. She's a 40 -year -old woman with two kids. She should be doing naked

cartwheels.

I'm telling you, man.

There's my guy. There's my girl.

Wash your hands? Yes.

With soap and hot water? Yeah. Then come here.

Oh, let's go out tonight and celebrate, huh? This is the first night of the rest

of our lives.

Tonight's a bad night for me. Oh, really?

Why?

I have a business meeting.

With whom?

A friend of mine.

Let's make tomorrow the first night of the rest of our lives.

Okay, yeah, we'll start tomorrow. That's what I do with my diet.

Yeah, those always work.

Okay, laters.

Ooh, I almost forgot my ring.

Uh, Emily.

Oh, don't forget to wash my fingers before I put it on.

You're going to make such a good wife.

Too bad I really liked her, too.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing wrong with me. It's her.

All the signals are wrong.

What about this dinner thing? No, no. I think she wants out. Can I be happy for

five seconds, please?

Fine.

She's probably seen somebody else. Damn it!

Hey, listen. You want to know the truth? Let's just follow her to dinner and

find out the truth. No!

Absolutely not. I love her. I trust her. I asked her to marry me. She said yes.

I don't need to know anything more.

Andy, if you trust her...

Or passwords or emails? Come on, you want to check something?

You know what?

Oh, excuse me.

Can you get the people to turn the music down? I'm having trouble eavesdropping

on my friends.

Turn up your hearing aid, Gramps.

much I care about you.

I know you do.

And I care about you.

God, you look great.

Thanks.

Jerry. Yeah.

I really, really want to do this.

Let's not wait another second.

Really?

Right here in the restaurant? Don't you want a little privacy?

I suppose we could go back to my place.

you're cheating on Andy with this guy.

I'm not cheating on Andy with Jerry. I'm technically cheating on Jerry with

Andy. Who's Andy? Who are you?

This is my husband. He owns the place.

You mean ex -husband?

Um, no.

This is very complicated.

I suppose we should just order.

and I separated two years ago, but I'm not actually technically legally

divorced. And then I met Andy and I really liked him and kind of sort of

lied about being actually technically legally divorced.

So doesn't that make you kind of legally technically skanky?

I know it looks bad, but I'm here tonight to finally make Jerry sign the

papers. Well, then what's stopping you?

I don't like to hurt people's feelings, and he's going to cry.

Cry? So what?

Oh, it's not just crying. It's sobbing, convulsing, can't catch your breath. I

might throw up weeping.

Look, he just needs a man to talk to.

He'll be fine. Trust me. I'm a great reader of people.

Why don't you just sign and date her right here?

Listen,

I can tell that you're upset, man.

Take those away!

Listen, listen, you are a man. You've got to start acting like one.

celebrate. We could have some fries, maybe a shrimp basket. That's right.

I should be more of a man.

I need to talk to you. I need to speak to you. And I need to speak to you. And

need to speak to you. I would like to speak to you first. I'd like to speak to

Emily first.

And then I'd like to speak to you, then Emily, then you again. I can go first or

third, but I can't go second.

Everything okay? Yeah, great!

Fine, fine. You okay?

Oh, I'm terrific.

Hey,

why don't you wait in the kitchen? Why the kitchen? You want a beer.

Oh, you're right. I do want a beer.

Everything's better when you're engaged.

Emily, we got a problem.

I talked to Jerry for hours and I couldn't get him to sign it. Oh, poo.

Poo?

Poo, you are engaged and married.

I think it warrants more than that and maybe a crap or a holy crap.

Emily, you have got to tell Andy about this. Oh, but that would crush him and I

don't want to hurt his feelings.

Look, either you tell him or I'm going to tell him. And Jerry said you owe him

$1 ,200 for that screen.

Sheriff, it's not my turn to speak. I can't wait any longer. Emily, I have

tickets on the next flight to Vegas. Let's get married.

Oh, yeah, Emily, what do you say to making Andy your one and only husband?

I say I can't wait to get married.

Let's go.

You know what? You two deserve each other. Oh, he's right. He's a great

of people.

tracked you down. Is this him?

Well, you're a little bigger than I thought you'd be.

Stay away from my wife!

Who the hell is your wife?

I am.

This is Jerry, my not -quite -ex -husband.

Oh, my God.

You're not divorced?

I'm shocked, Emily.

What do you mean you're not divorced?

Not actually technically, legally, but emotionally, there's nothing between us.

Nothing but my heart and soul.

I love you.

you guys are in this mess is because Emily here is afraid to hurt people's

feelings.

And thank the Lord that he put me on this earth.

It's true. It's his gift.

Andy and Emily are engaged.

She does not love you.

And you are not leaving this house until you sign those divorce papers.

And Andy and Emily have agreed to split the $1 ,200.

Is this true, Emily?

You're engaged?

Yes.

I love him and I want to marry him.

What happens to me?

I don't give a poo what happens to you.

Look, Emily, we're adults here.

Enough with the poo.

I don't give a holy crap what happens to you.

Please sign these papers so I can get on with my life.

Okay.

I guess I have to accept that.

That's it? No crying?

No.

I'm a man, and it's about time I started acting like one.

I'm very happy for you two.

Gee,

did you let that one go?

Thanks, Jim.

So it's settled. We're getting married.

Whoa. Oh, man. Hold on.

A lot has just dropped in my lap here. Could I have five seconds to process the

fact that you're still married and you lied to me?

Fine.

Okay, Vegas, here we come.

What do you say? Bet Midler, then marriage?

What are you, too, crazy?

Oh, Jim's right. Marriage, then Midler. You build to Midler.

Yes, let's go. Let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Bad move.

Would you stop saying that? I'm going to kill you.

Listen, I can tell.

She wants to have a real wedding. She doesn't want to go to Vegas.

Really?

Jim's right.

Jerry and I got married in Vegas.

See?

And Carl, my first husband.

Carl?

Carl?

I didn't see that coming.

And I'm a good reader of people.

I never heard about Carl!