Original subtitles

Daddy, can you tell me what's going to... Sure, what'd you get? A B.

Kyle, this looks like you turned a D into a B.

Is that what you did?

I love you, Daddy.

Kyle, come on, is that what you did?

You're not just my dad, you're my pal.

Kyle, stop it.

In this family, you don't take a D and turn it into a B.

You turn it into an A.

And remember what I've always told you?

It's just as easy to put a plus there.

There you go.

Now go show your mom what a good spiller you are.

Dad, can you fill my mouth, please?

Sure, what did you get?

A plus. That's my girl.

Oh, baby.

Are you sure it's all right to be down here? Because the doctor said complete

bed rest. Oh, I know, but I think the point is that I rest. It doesn't really

matter where I do it. All right.

That's so nice to have a change of scenery, you know? Yeah.

Honey, you know, I actually do have something serious I want to talk to you

about. Craig, change the subject by all means.

I was just watching Oprah.

Yes?

Well, it turns out that a lot of husbands have found a new way to honor

wives after giving birth.

Well, apparently, modern husbands are getting their wives push presents.

It's a way to say thank you for suffering through the pregnancy and

I see.

And where will you be suffering today, on the couch or up in bed?

Jim, I'm serious. I want a push present.

Joe, I recall this whole thing started because I gave you a present.

And if my memory serves me well, there was quite a bit of pushing going on.

You know, Charlie up the street gave his wife a diamond bracelet.

You know, I actually just listened to what you said.

Charlie up the street? Yes, Charlie. He's a jerk!

No!

A diamond bracelet for having a baby? Yes!

That is ridiculous!

No! Cheryl, look.

Look, you know, I'm not one to say no to you, all right? And you're not going to

say...

and that I can show to Oprah and my other girlfriends.

I'm sorry, what's that, babies?

What's that?

Oh, you think it's a present enough to have a house to come home to? The one

your daddy pays for?

Well, Cheryl, I guess you love Oprah more than you love the babies.

What daddy doesn't understand is that Oprah and I have been through a lot

together.

I can poke a tiny hole in that gas line so you slowly suffocate.

You know, when you bend over, we can see your butt crack.

You know what's funny about sleeping in a basement? When the burglars and

killers break in, no one will hear you scream.

Hey, girls,

how do you like your new bedroom?

Daddy, can we put in a dance bar?

I don't think I like the idea of you two drinking down here. Come on.

It's for stretching.

Like what Uncle Andy's doing to the seat of his pants.

I think the bar's a good idea, Jim. We could hang the rat traps from it.

No rats. No rats down here. Not yet.

I brought some paint samples home for you. Pick out a color for your new

bathroom. Okay.

All right.

Idiots. Don't tell the girls there's rats down here.

We only found two of them, and the snake probably scared them away.

Sorry, Jim.

The girls were working me over good.

Yeah, well, I know where they get that from.

Get this.

Cheryl wants a push present.

Oh, like on Oprah. New babies, new traditions.

I love it.

Are you kidding me?

You actually think it's a good idea?

Oh, yeah.

And it's not just for ladies. I gave myself one when I passed that kidney

Are those charms for each stone?

No, these are the actual stones.

You know what?

As disturbing as this is, you got a point.

What about us?

Where's our Oprah?

Where's our push present?

I tell you what, Jim. If I was your wife, how many times did I tell you not

start sentences off like that?

I got your push present all picked out.

We tell Ruby and Gracie that the twins are moving in with them.

Then... We mount a flat screen on that wall, and snap, you got yourself a fly

media room.

Whoa, huh?

We'll mount some speakers, a sub -wizzy in the hilly. Stop talking.

Nah, nah. Listen, I already promised the girls we'd turn this into the bedroom.

And I promised myself I'd give up foods loaded in nitrates.

Jingle, jingle.

Andy, you know, it is a beautiful dream.

But I got a blue -eyed blonde roadblock up there on the couch suffering through

her vacation.

I'm sorry. I mean pregnancy.

The snake!

The snake!

Andy, it's not a snake.

It's just a piece of rubber.

No, it isn't!

It's just a rubber snake left on those

tiles for crying out loud.

What was all that screaming about?

Oh, Andy was upset when he heard you watched Oprah without him.

Oh, I thought maybe you passed another stone.

You know, I am glad you brought up Oprah, though. There's something I want

talk about. Oh, God, what now?

Well, apparently a lot of men now are buying their wives push presents.

You mean like Charlie down the street?

Yes, how did you know?

Because we had this conversation 20 minutes ago.

We did?

Yeah. And it was just as stupid then as it is now.

You know what this is?

Pregnancy brain.

What's that?

It's a hormonal thing, you know. About six months into pregnancy, Cheryl can't

remember a thing.

Yeah, it happened with Ruby and Gracie and... The little one.

Yes, yes.

What's his face? I know who you mean. I know who you mean.

Kyle. Kyle, Kyle. Right, right, right. Kyle.

I can't believe we already talked about push presents.

Hey, what are you going to get me? No, no, don't tell me. But you know what?

could tell me, because I'll just forget anyway.

You know, we're going to have the same conversation in about two hours.

So I'm going to go get myself a beer. Oh, great. Would you get me one?

You're pregnant.

easy she gets in the home stretch.

I don't get it. It's like she blacks out. Is that really possible?

Totally possible.

It's like saying I love you before you do it with a chick.

And then when you're done, you don't remember saying it.

I get that.

You know what? She doesn't remember what she says.

She doesn't remember what she's supposed to do. It's crazy.

She probably doesn't remember telling you she wants the basement turned into a

new media room.

Nah, she never said that.

You must have pregnancy, Bray.

And I'm just about to get myself my own push present.

Ah, my young bride.

Here's some tea for you.

Carol.

I forgot my own name, Jim. Oh?

What's your middle name?

All right, if you're all set with the tea, I'm going to go back downstairs,

Andy finish the media room.

It is almost done. Baby, you're going to love it.

No, no, no, media room. Honey, you mean Ruby and Gracie's bedroom.

We talked about this, Cheryl Mabel.

Mabel. You said, let Ruby and Gracie stay cozy in their own room.

What about the twins?

You silly goose.

You really are.

We're turning the linen closet into the nursery so we all can be closer

together. It was the best idea you ever had.

Are you sure that was my idea?

Cheryl, how would I even know that we had a linen closet?

Yeah, but a media room?

Come on, you helped pick out the color for the lounge chairs.

You also said you wanted an LCD screen, not a plasma.

Are the cheers taupe? Of course. You think I'd pick a color like that?

It is a color, right?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I think I remember talking about that.

I knew it. Oh.

Pregnancy brain must be twice as bad with twins.

You said that an hour ago.

We love our new... bedroom.

That is the biggest TV I've ever seen.

Actually, girls, please, may I?

Yeah. Here's the thing about a 56 -inch 1080i LCD with 7 -channel digital sound.

It's not for you.

The plan now is to have you losers sleep in the same crappy room you've always

slept in while the basement becomes a land of fun for us, the grown -ups.

But where are the twins gonna sleep?

Oh, right here.

What? Bunk cribs.

Sucks. We want our new room.

Sucks to be you. And if you're going to cry, take it outside.

So Mom just sold us out. She did. She really, really did.

Yeah, I mean, you can take it up with her if you want, but if you argue too

with her, I'm afraid you'll be sleeping in this living closet.

With the rats.

Man,

can you believe this picture? It's like we're right at the game. Yeah.

Damn it, so close.

Remind me not to watch porn on this thing with you.

This media room is awesome, Jim.

Yeah, yeah.

Except there's something missing, right?

Yeah, I just kind of wish we had. Old -fashioned popcorn machine?

I was going to say my dad, but a popcorn machine isn't bad.

Fire up the Internet, see if you can get a popcorn machine on the cheap.

Oh, Andy, this pregnancy brain thing is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Hey.

You could get that mechanical bull you always wanted ever since you saw Urban

Cowboy. Oh, yeah, look it up. See what kind of price we can get. Well ahead of

you, Captain.

Check out this price.

Oh, my God, it's so low, it would be immoral not to buy it.

TV, man.

You ready, champ?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I think I got this thing all figured out there, Andy.

I'm going to hold on real tight with my left hand, and I'm going to squeeze my

legs with my life.

not about strength.

Just the boys.

a surprise, but happy push present.

Hooray!

Okay, me again. Give me that. What? Come on. Give me, give me, give me. Take it.

You got me a mechanical bull as a push present? Mm -hmm.

Why would you do that?

Are you serious? Are you flipping serious?

You are breaking my heart. Cheryl.

Are you trying to tell me that I forgot that I wanted that?

Okay, Jim, watch me this time.

I'm going to try something new.

Cheryl, I kept talking to you about jewelry and you said, no, I want to get

shape after the babies are born.

I always

get in shape after the baby. I know that's exactly what I told you

myself. And you said, no,

on Oprah, and I think it's a fun way to get back in shape.

I can't believe I keep forgetting all this stuff.

Cheryl, to be honest with you, I can't believe it myself.

You know, I mean, it's kind of hurtful.

Makes me, you know...

Not want to do nice things for you anymore.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I love my mechanical ball.

Thank you.

You're welcome, ma 'am.

Now hit me!

Time for jokes.

We're going to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me.

Okay. We love you either way, but we just want to know the truth.

Are you on drugs?

What? We're talking about that ridiculous bowl.

In what universe did you want that?

I know, I know. You're right. It's pregnancy brain.

You say crazy things, and then you don't remember.

But, gotta admit, I mean, that bowl looks like fun, right?

More fun than a diamond bracelet?

That does sound good.

Mom.

Mom, snap out of it. Come back to us. You didn't want that media room. Or a

mechanical bowl.

I didn't want any of those things.

But who did?

Hint, rhymes with bad.

What's more likely?

You forgot about all of those conversations you supposedly had?

Or I forgot who I married.

There's the mother of my children.

I know. I've been missing your beautiful face all day.

I'm going to hit the bull. Later.

Um, Jim? You know what? Tell the kids I'm going to have my dinner downstairs.

Maybe a pot of black coffee, some Camp Bob beans, and anything in a skillet,

baby.

My bull is gone.

Ruffler's got my bull.

I mean, your bull.

Whatever are you talking about, James Orenthal?

You decided that a mechanical bull was not an appropriate push present. You

insisted that I sell it and buy myself this beautiful diamond bracelet.

I did?

Oh, you silly goose. Have you forgotten?

You said, I don't care if it costs a little bit more. I want my baby's mama

covered in ice.

Now, Cheryl, you know I didn't say that.

Sounds like you have a pregnancy brain.

Only it's worse.

It's big fat jerk brain!

Cheryl,

push presents are just ridiculous.

What? Come on.

Giving a woman a gift for having a baby.

nothing more ridiculous than that. Have you seen yourself in a cowboy hat?

Cheryl, I have been doing nothing but helping you and this family for months.

I mean, first you're down in Florida, now you're on bed rest.

I mean, a state -of -the -art media room with a mechanical bull.

Is that too much to ask?

You didn't ask. You lied.

Because it was easier, honey.

Come on, Cheryl.

I just felt that...

I needed a little something special.

You know, a lot of men feel neglected during a difficult pregnancy.

Who says?

Oprah did. Oh.

Oh, you made me sit down and watch it with you.

Really?

Oh, God.

I think I actually do remember that. See?

So, okay.

You've made your point now.

Now we return to Mechanical Bull.

Now let's return this diamond bracelet. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I think keeping this bracelet will remind you of my point.

I think keeping a bull would remind me, too.

And for a lot less money. Come on.

I sold the bull to Andy.

This weekend, Annie and I will finish the bedroom downstairs in the basement

the girls.

And we'll finish the nursery, too.

Oh, honey.

You know, you really have been amazing through this pregnancy.

Well, thank you.

And if you still feel like you need a special place of your own once there are

five kids in the house, I think we can work something out.

Yeah? Yeah.

at the ballpark.

Think I'm getting a sunburn from the screen.

Yeah. Let's take our shirts off.

Is Uncle Andy coming out of the closet?

No, if any luck.

Never.