Original subtitles

I thought with Cheryl being out of town, all this housework would be a pain in

my backside.

But if you put your mind to it, it's not that bad.

Okay, Kyle, we're ready.

Should I be worried?

Of course not.

I'll be fine.

All right.

Daddy just needs to clean the floor.

And one, two.

Three.

Flipping them over. All right.

All right. Let's see. Oh, there's a spot there. Amy, you missed it.

All right.

I like being a mom.

Great. Let's get your helmet and we're going to do the stairs.

Oh, baby.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah! We are smoking, man!

Smoking! We are the best harmonica, keyboard, drum combo in all of the

Imagine how good we'd sound if I didn't have Tony's cymbal stand crammed up my

crack.

Come on, you know you like it.

Ow!

Come on, Jim.

There's no room out here anymore. You said you were going to do something

this. I did.

I fired John and Charlie and made us a trio.

Excuse me.

Can I get by, please?

Grace, what are you doing? Easy.

I can't find my stupid soccer cleats. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, princess. Do

you really need cleats to sit on the bench?

Stop that.

Here, honey. Don't do that. Let an adult do that. You shouldn't handle this,

honey. Let me get it. Is it up there?

Come on over here, Annie. Give me a boost.

Oh, fine.

That's it.

All right, you see?

Gracie, all you need's a little finesse.

Oh, you know what?

I think I left him in the car.

What the crap?

Get me out of here. It's all baby stuff.

Oh, except for this cool gas mask.

Can I have it?

I don't know why I'm keeping all this stuff. I'm never going to use it again.

Let's just get rid of it. Yeah, good luck with that.

Cheryl's so sentimental. Keeps everything the kids ever touched.

What's this, huh?

First piece of beef jerky they ever had?

I think it's the kids' umbilical cords.

This is ridiculous.

Cheryl's been in Florida all these months. I should just clean house. No

like the present.

You know what? Every man needs a space of his own. And I'm going to claim this

garage as my own. Now you're talking. Yeah, I've been wanting to get rid of

stuff for years.

It's high time I stood up and did it behind her back like a real man.

Tell it, brother.

Yeah, man. Although, tell her while I'm not here because Cheryl's going to go

nuts. Maybe.

It's a lot easier to ask for forgiveness.

Than permission.

Hey, that sounds like a song.

It kind of does.

It kind of does sound like a song.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Permission. What rhymes with permission?

Nocturnal emission.

Oh, baby, this is going to write itself.

One, two, three, four.

Thanks for the donation.

Yeah, no problem. Boy, your wife is one understanding lady to let you get rid of

all this stuff.

Letting me?

Do you see what this belt is holding up?

The pants in this family.

All right, I decide what I get rid of and what I keep.

She's out of town, right? Yeah.

Well, I have to fill out this form for the mission so you can write this off

your taxes. Now, what would you estimate to be the value of these child pajamas?

Well, I don't really have any receipts. It's okay, sir. We're on the honor

system here.

That's my favorite system.

Yeah, I'd say about $1 ,000.

Oh, for everything?

No, for the pajamas.

Well, what about the changing table?

Oh, that's about $1 ,000.

And the high chair?

Well, that's actually about $1 ,100. But you know what? This is charity. Just

put down $1 ,000.

Hey, baby.

Daddy, what are you doing?

Oh, honey, I'm here.

helping the poor children of Africa.

Actually, this is for the homeless.

For the hobos.

What's up?

That blanket that Grandma knitted me was out here. Did you give it away?

No, no, are you silly? Come on, I put it up in your bedroom.

One knitted blanket, 2 ,500 bucks.

You know, sir, I'm starting to think that you're taking advantage of the

And I'm starting to think you're sticking your nose where it shouldn't

Here.

You like beef jerky?

Thank you.

You take care of those hobos.

Hobo.

All hooked up? You ready?

Andy, I've been waiting for this my whole life.

Then may I welcome you to the grand opening of Captain Jim and First Mate

for Dimness Is Easier Than Permission Tropical Smoking Lounge.

Refuge and bingo parlor.

Sponsored by the good people at Gopher Hawk Brewing Company.

Because when you go for beer, Gopher Hawk.

Cool.

Wow.

Look at all this.

What's Bozo the Clown for?

Oh, I forgot to say fitness center.

I'm Pete. Who's up for a Gopher Hawk?

We're off to right here, sir.

You know what, Andy? This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Once the girls are off to college and Kyle's learning how to drive a forklift,

it's going to be like this all the time.

Don't get me wrong, Andy. I mean, I love the kids, but in ten years' time, it's

going to be sweet.

It'll just be me, Cheryl, and plenty of elbow room.

What about me?

Please, in ten years, you'll be an urn on my mantle.

Made a blur?

Sure. Sweet.

Dad, Mom's on the computer for you.

All right, I gotta go. I'll be back in a second.

Marcy, is it?

May I welcome you to Captain Andy's Love Shack?

What's the capital of Vermont?

Serp City. Give me another one.

Honey, is Daddy coming soon?

Hey, son. I got it.

Bye, Mom.

Ah, there you are, my young love.

Has Kyle been to school once since I've been gone?

I drop him off every day. What he does after that is between him and the state.

I miss him.

Oh, I miss you, too.

And I have a surprise for you.

Ooh, hot.

Is it as good as the one you gave me in the airplane bathroom?

Actually, they're related.

Oh, good, good, good.

I'm pregnant.

What's that?

With a baby?

You're pregnant?

Yeah. Are you sure?

I'm sure.

You peeing on a stick?

About a dozen of them.

I got a doctor's appointment tomorrow just to be sure, but trust me, I'm

pregnant.

Wow.

What, are you kidding me? A fourth kid? How do I feel?

How do you feel?

Um, surprised.

But, um, so, so excited.

Honestly, I am overjoyed.

Overjoyed? Yes!

That's the word I've been looking for!

you go? Are you okay?

What's that?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I was just experiencing my joy.

Are you sure you're happy about this?

I'm overjoyed.

I just have one question.

Are you sure I'm the father?

No, no, no, no, no, no, because if you happen to have an affair with some

rich guy, I'm sure we could work that out.

I mean, provided that he fulfills his financial obligation to the child.

Honey, look, I know this is going to be a financial strain for us, but we're

going to save a lot of money because we have all that baby stuff in the garage.

Maybe we should get some new stuff for this kid, huh?

No.

No, honey, why?

I mean, we use this stuff for all three kids. You know, sometimes I go out in

the garage just to look at it.

Me too.

Get ready for another surprise.

Oh, my dear God.

Don't tell me the real father doesn't have any money. Oh.

No. Dana's coming to take care of Mom, so I am flying home tomorrow to look at

the baby stuff and start getting ready.

You think this one will like me?

No.

All right, let's get our stuff and get the hell out of here before Cheryl gets

home. I thought it was easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Yeah, well, with a sentimental pregnant woman, there is no forgiveness.

There's only screaming, mood swings, and boobs you can't touch.

Sounds like every date I've ever been on.

Maybe stuff you donated to the needy?

Yep.

Turns out I'm the needy one.

I got the receipt you gave me right here.

I don't recall you saying anything about no take -backs, so I think that's legal

square. Well, the only way to get your stuff back is to buy it.

What? Hey, Phil, how much for this squirt gun?

A nickel.

Sweet, that's cheap.

We're a thrift store.

Everything is cheap.

Okay, fine.

Then, uh...

How much will this crib here?

$1 ,000.

What? That's what you said it was worth. In fact, you said all of your stuff was

worth $700 ,000.

You guys are crooks.

Hey, Phil, I'll give you $10 for this dining table.

Sold. And thank you for helping the homeless.

All right, thank you.

I get it, Phil.

You're trying to teach me a lesson here, aren't you?

I'll tell you what.

You and I both know this is all worth maybe 30 bucks.

I'll give you 50.

What does that get me?

About 20 ,000 squirt guns.

Come on, man. Let me guess.

The wife is back in town?

On her way.

Gee, that's tough, tough.

I'll tell you what I might be able to do. What would happen if I rented your

stuff back to you for the weekend?

That would be great. How much?

$700 ,000, yeah.

pay 10 bucks for this piece of crap table two average -sized guys fall 15

on top of it and it collapses yeah where's the craftsmanship right hey how

you know if you have a concussion how many fingers do i have up thursday you

know my life calms down a little bit i'll take you to the emergency room

a good friend bob

All right, let's grab my stuff, let's put it in this crib, and let's wheel it

out that door.

I think this door's locked.

Well, unlock it. I can't. It's deadbolted.

Well, how the hell are we supposed to get out of here?

Listen, why don't you run into it with your head?

What? I already got a concussion falling through the roof.

We didn't fall through a roof.

Okay, I'll try.

What the hell are you two doing in here?

here you left so quickly you locked us in how do you guys save it for the cops

okay phil phil phil wait a minute let me explain all right look when i gave you

all this stuff i didn't think i'd ever use it again because i thought i was

having kids but i heard today that my wife was pregnant with a fourth child

cool is that i'm gonna be a dad again congratulations judges love new fathers

who rob charities

You didn't hear me.

Four kids.

Phil, four kids, that's four sets of braces, three college educations, and

decent forklift school.

Look, Al.

Come on.

You're not getting this.

I'm a dad.

I mean, I have four kids.

I'm overjoyed.

And overwhelmed.

And a bit overstressed. And a little overweight.

Sorry, Brian.

All right, look.

Some folks around here want to expand the shelter, and it said on your

form that you're a contractor.

Yes. So if you do the construction, there's a donation to the mission.

We'll let things fly.

You want to get all my stuff back?

Sure. But you have to repair the roof.

Whoa, how'd that happen?

All right, deal.

Now, this is a charity, so I can write off the cost of the job.

Absolutely. Great.

This job's going to run about 700 ,000 bucks.

I want to show Mom my new dress. I want to show her my soccer trophy.

I want to show her my new toy forklift.

Oh, bad news, Cheryl.

She's not good at the forklift either.

Honey, you unpacked all the baby furniture.

Mm -hmm.

I took it right out of the garage and brought it right here.

Yeah, it is ancient.

No, no, it's classic.

Well... I mean, look at this.

Remember when Kyle chipped his tooth right there?

Oh. And Ruby banged her head right here.

And Gracie broke her nose right here.

Yeah, we should get some padding on this. Yeah, we should.

Is that a stroller?

Yes.

Remember, I got that special compartment right here.

For all that cold beer I had to get through security at the game. And at the

mall. And at the church.

Yeah, yeah.

There's some old memories here, isn't there?

I forgot how much I liked all this stuff.

Oh, and you're really excited about this.

Overjoyed.

That's great.

Honey, I wanted to wait till we were alone to tell you this. Yeah, what?

I went to the doctor this morning. Right, right, right.

And it twins.

What's that?

Twins.

Babies?

Yes, Jim, twin babies.

How can that be? We only had sex once.

Oh, man, I know this is a lot to process.

No.

No, no, I'm fine.

Yeah? Yeah, no problem at all.

Do you think we're ready for this? No.

No,

honey, we are not ready. We are not ready for this.

But we'll get there.

We'll get there.

Twins. Yep.

I can do twins.

Yeah. Sure.

Twice the amount of diapers, twice the amount of feeding, and your boobs get

twice as big.

They will.

And you are four times as forbidden to touch them.

It also means twice the love.

Yeah.

Twice the laughter.

Yeah.

Twice the amount of teeth marks.

Yeah. You know, I was thinking about that, and I think you're right.

No, I live with what I'm writing.

Why? A new baby needs new stuff.

Yeah, I hate being right.

And you know what?

You're going to need two of everything.

Yeah, I hate being twice as right.

You know, honey, you don't have to worry because we give all this to charity and

we get a tax write -off.

Yeah. How much do you think all this is worth?

Off the top of my head? Huh?

700 ,000 bucks. Oh.

You okay with spending that kind of money?

No.

I'm not.

But I will be.

Good.

Because I already bought everything online.

You know, I just figured it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Well, that's a song.

Oh,

Cheryl.

So if we do it right now, there's no chance we have triplets, right?

Good. Because I'm going to get drunk and drag you up to that room.