Original subtitles

Hey, everyone.

Oh,

my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. A surprise party.

Happy birthday, honey.

No way.

Look at you. Look at Charlie. Happy birthday, Jim. Oh, Charlie and Tony.

Jim. Happy birthday, man. Oh, that one lady's husband.

minutes to just collect my thoughts here and thank my beautiful wife

i'll be right

You never said that. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. You said I could throw your

birthday party on your 50th. I never, ever, ever, ever, ever would say that.

Never in my life would I say that ever, ever. You can't make things up like

this.

First of all, Cheryl, the boys in Milli Vanilli are talented artists and will be

vindicated.

As for the birthday party, I promise you, you can throw me one when I turn

What did you take from me? Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, look.

Once we double our money on this Enron thing, we'll go with your stock pick,

right?

What is a Google, anyway?

July 2nd, 2001.

Oh, oh, so it's fine for you to record me, but when I want to take what's

sex, it's unseemly?

What are you smiling at? What are you smiling at?

You look so cute in your hat.

I made the cutest tribute video using all your baby pictures. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Nothing I love more than to be humiliated and belittled in front

of a group of people in my own house that I barely know.

What?

So I know one man's language.

I don't know any of those people.

I want you to see my present. Oh, God, I hope it's a time machine so I can go

back 15 years to our wedding night and pick a woman who doesn't want to honor

me.

I hope it's a time machine so we can unload that Enron stock.

I sent Andy a special invitation.

Let us celebrate your birthday!

Hey, Dana, where's everyone else's costume?

I put on a costume, you put on 20 pounds of baby weight.

Except tomorrow, mine will be gone.

So she tricked you into putting on a costume?

Yeah.

Who tricked you into putting on lettuce?

Hey, mock me all you want, Jim, but I'll remain your friend forever.

Now tell me you're not going to do this all night, are you?

It's just the tip of the iceberg.

It's the world premiere of my tribute video, A Half Century of Jim.

Or as I like to call it, Jackass 3.

If

I

knock the power out, the lights go out.

Oh, and the people at the party go home. Exactly. It's nice to see you still

have a brain in that.

Leafy head of yours.

Listen, man, just when you shimmy up the pole and blow out the transformer, be

careful. These things are dangerous.

Not if I'm wearing a suit of insulating material like Lennox.

You didn't bring me out here just to explain your plan, did you?

If I'm not standing next to Cheryl when the lights go out, she's going to think

I did it.

All you've got to do is shimmy up the pole, put this mylar balloon in the

transformer, the power goes out, piece of cake.

What's in it for me?

I already said, piece of cake.

You know, I'd kind of like to live to see my 50th birthday party. You want to

live to see 50? Start eating lettuce instead of wearing it.

Come on, it's my birthday, not yours. Get up there.

Come on! It's too high, even with my 30 -inch vertical.

One,

two, three. Now I have to marry you.

Here, step on my back.

Be careful. Be careful. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're heavy.

It's mostly costume.

Hold still.

Not my head. My head. Not my head.

Oh, Jim.

I need a hand.

Jim, I'm not going to touch your butt.

Come on.

Easy, easy, easy, easy. Here's my shoulder right here.

Oh, my God.

Did you step in something?

I did, but I wiped it off on your head.

A little higher.

Okay, here.

Here's the balloon.

All right?

Barely.

Give me five minutes.

Five minutes.

I guess I'll count in my head.

You little bandit.

Why are you looking at me like that?

No, no, no, no, no. This is just a costume. This is not your dinner. Back

neighbor or our dentist that it is so special to be surrounded by people who

so close to you i'm gonna go put in that video okay yeah wait wait one second

before you do i'm trying to put some words together for a little speech for

guests so if you can wait three to five minutes let me collect my thoughts you

know four three two one

Looks like the whole neighborhood's out.

No.

The night of all nights.

Damn my luck.

Well, now we can't watch the video for sure. No electricity.

No backup generator.

Oh, well, I'll just... I'll talk to everybody. Hey, everybody, listen.

Thank you so much for coming.

Obviously, the party's ruined now, so...

Look, I'll see you on my 60th. All right.

No, no, no. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

We're not going to let a little thing like a power failure get in our way, are

we?

almost feel like crying.

Andy, what happened to you?

Let us not get into that.

Daddy, we went into her piggy bank. We wanted to give you money to pay for the

electric bill. Oh.

Thanks, guys, but you know what?

To be honest, it's a blackout. I'm almost $40.

Every little bit helps, thanks, kids.

Hey, good news. The baby monitor works on batteries.

Really? Can your baby monitor cook the 60 mini mushroom quiches I have sitting

frozen in my oven?

It's hot in here.

Making my own salad. dressing in this thing.

Ah, it's so squishy.

And nobody even left.

I guess people like me too much.

I'm fine, thanks for asking.

10 ,000 volts stopped my heart for a second, but the 20 -foot fall started it

right back up again.

Okay, everybody, I have an idea.

Since we can't watch my DVD tribute to Jim, I know, I know, we're all...

heartbroken, but I thought we could do our own tribute. So, I'm going to pass

this candle around, and one by one, we're each going to do a toast to the

birthday boy.

Oh, how much fun!

Okay, so everybody blow out the other candles.

Me first.

Okay, sure.

There once was a gym from Nantucket.

Okay, and no dirty limericks.

You'll have to come back to me.

You know, there are very obvious signs that a man is going through a midlife

crisis. He splurges for an expensive car. He joins a gym. He suddenly starts

caring about his appearance.

Well, it doesn't take a genius to see that Jim is definitely not going through

midlife crisis.

Forty bucks for the next person who won't speak.

Done.

So Willie's allowed to be dirty?

And finally, I'd like to say how much it means to me that I can always count on

Jim. I mean...

It doesn't always make it easy, but it means a lot to me to know that I can

always depend on him being right here beside me.

Excuse me.

You've got to be kidding me.

Do I look like I'm kidding?

Oh, my God.

You're much madder than I pictured.

I can't believe you.

Cheryl, there's a baby in here. You don't care about the baby. You just

want me to yell at you.

You are not wrong.

Jim, what is it with you and birthdays?

So you're a year older.

Get over it. I don't have a problem with birthdays.

I have a problem with birthday parties, and especially surprise birthday

parties. Why?

I don't want to talk about it, Cheryl. Don't want to sip it, cut it, knock it.

don't want to talk.

Here's the thing. When you keep things inside, I don't know if you're upset

about something real, or if the bear's lost, or if somebody didn't use their

turn signal on your way home from work.

Oh, I suppose everybody can just change lanes without using a signal whenever

they want?

Would you just let me in?

You want to know?

Yes. Fine.

I'm going to tell you.

But we never speak about this ever again.

And you don't tell anybody.

Fine.

All right.

Picture a 13 -year -old boy waking up in the morning and realizing that his

entire family has forgotten his birthday.

I'm so sorry. Cheryl, don't interrupt me.

If I pause, it's for dramatic effect.

Well, this boy sucks it up and makes it through the whole day at school.

The whole while holding back his tears because

all his friends at school had forgotten his birthday, too.

Finally, he comes home to an empty, quiet house and decides, if no

one else is going to give me a gift, I'll just give myself one.

So I grab one of my Ma's bra catalogs, find my chair,

drop my pants, and begin to unwrap my present.

That's when I got my real surprise.

How do you say anything?

You're pausing for dramatic.

It was the worst day of my life. Oh my God, my son is in there. I don't want

hearing that.

What are you worried about? He's heard everything already.

It can't possibly get any worse.

It gets worse.

What?

How can it get worse?

I couldn't stop.

You couldn't stop.

Evil Knievel was at the bottom of the ramp.

The bike was at a full run.

There was no place to go except for over the canyon.

You know, I went over the canyon.

Why are they laughing at us? What are they laughing at?

Let's just get out of here.

Hey, Tanner, you seem like a good kid now.

So, if you're ever in Mexico, come and see me.

And remember, when you turn 13, be sure to lock the door.

Jim, we are taking back your birthday.

Oh, I don't want to see these people. I don't want to see any of you people

right now. You do.

You never got over what happened to you when you were 13.

Cheryl, I almost did until tonight.

Now you've got to face it.

What do you always say to me? If you have to eat it, don't nibble.

You know what you're going to do? You are going to take a big bite tonight and

be over it forever.

What's the big deal, Jim? We all do it.

Some of us use it as a sleep aid.

Come on.

Besides, You were 13.

Really? Yeah, man.

Thanks, Jim.

Yeah.

All right, everyone.

How about a big hand for the birthday boy?

Come on, Jim. We're just yanking your chain.

It's, you know, it's kind of funny.

I mean, it'd be a lot funnier if it happened to Andy.

Look at it this way, honey.

I mean, that was one really, really bad memory. But you've had thousands of good

ones. And they've all been lovingly put to music by me.

Andy?

Oh, the tribute tape?

Yes. Oh, just wait.

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath.

Keep me in your heart for a while.

If I leave you, it doesn't mean I love you any less.

Keep me in your heart for a while.

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun, keep

me in your heart.

Keep me in your heart.

Thanks, Cheryl.

That's amazing.

Thanks, everybody.

Keep me in your heart for a while.