Original subtitles

Two years ago on According to Jim. You and Old Blue had some good times

together. Hey, you want her?

Okay, sure, thanks.

200 bucks?

Yeah, sure.

I don't think you should sell the grill to Andy. I think you should give it to

him. You gave me that grill, and you can get it back when you pry the barbecue

tongs from my cold, dead hands.

Not if I get to it first.

I'm taking my grill back.

Be my guest, neither I nor the Countess will stop you.

But the chain might.

The grill is mine!

Mine! All mine!

I think maybe you should have the grill for... not anything.

What? Free! For free!

Hey, thanks, man.

What are you looking for?

I'm looking for... I was looking for some doilies.

Oh. I found them. They're right here. Great.

You know, if you're also looking for matches, I threw them all out yesterday.

Sure. Why would you do that?

Because the girls and I are going to visit my mom, which leaves you here with

Andy and Kyle all by yourself.

It's the same reason I hid the knife, sent a warning letter to the neighbors,

and blocked the adult channels on the TV.

I told you before, the L word stands for love.

Cheryl. Jim, every time I go away, you and Andy act like a couple of idiots.

Oh, that is not true.

Oh, really?

What about my trip to Cleveland?

Look, if we were to have known that animal was alive, we would have never

him in the microwave.

You know, maybe I should just get you guys a sitter. Sure.

You promised me once I turned 50 I didn't need a sitter anymore.

Andy and I are responsible adults.

Kyle is lucky to see such a special relationship between two men.

You always make things dirty.

All right, fine.

Why don't you tell me why the responsible adult was looking for

I was going to light a candle, put it in the window, until your safe return.

Daddy, are these enough bottle rockets?

Afternoon.

All right, Cheryl, Ken's here. Come on, hurry up. Let's go. We have to go back.

Oh, oh, honey, come on, walk us out. We're going. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Let

him sit, Cheryl.

We're two independent gals, and Jim works really hard. hard to put a roof

your head what the hell i don't know it's the first time she's actually

sense no honey i'm gonna be gone for a while i want you to walk me out look

andy's having a garage sale and you know how jim is about those things what do i

care that he's having a garage sale andy's selling the g -r -i -l

He's selling a girl?

Grill? He's selling my grill?

Wow, I really didn't think he'd get that.

Andy, Andy, what are you doing? You can't sell my grill.

I'm not. I'm selling my grill.

No, no, I gave you that grill. Yeah, which makes it mine.

If I would have sold it to you, it would make it yours.

Please don't start this grill nonsense again. I gave you that grill. If you're

not going to use it anymore, then legally it reverts back to me.

That's crazy.

It's not crazy. This is the way society's been working for centuries.

Check your Magna Carta.

I don't have a Magna Carta. Oh, did somebody give it to you and you sold

too? I'm taking my grill. No, you're not.

Watch me.

turn this into a war. Well, talk to your brother here. He's the one being

unreasonable. I'll throw in a free Klingon burial shroud if you buy it.

Impress the ladies. It's mine!

All right, you know what? That's it. I'm canceling my trip. Boy, what are you

doing that for?

Because it's obvious you two monkeys are going to declare war on each other.

How dare you?

Carol, we are having a gentleman's disagreement.

Indeed.

You don't have to cancel your trip.

I told you I was going to be a responsible adult, and that is exactly

going to do.

Promise?

I promise that while you are away, I will be a model citizen.

Stolen goods?

Why would I be selling stolen goods?

We received a tip from one of your neighbors.

Who? He would only refer to himself as a model citizen.

Excuse me, Officer.

Is there any trouble here?

Impossible distribution of stolen goods.

Stolen goods?

He gets.

What have you done?

Officer, I think that may be my grill. No, it is not.

Yep. Yeah, this is my grill, officer.

Do you have any proof?

Proof? No.

Well, except for this nine -year -old receipt that clearly states that I

this myself at the local barbecue emporium.

Officer. Officer, he gave me this girl two years ago.

Did you?

I'd sooner part with my own son.

Hands behind your back, sir.

You're kidding me.

This is not over!

Do you hear me? I swear to God, I'm... I'm sorry, sir!

I can't quite hear you!

Takeout is hard work.

There you go, my son.

You know what?

You're a lucky boy.

You get to spend the weekend with your pops, you learn about feuds, and you get

to see a fat man tasered.

Wait.

This could be a trick.

I'm going to go and check out the noise. You guard the grill.

Here, stand here.

Hi. If Uncle Annie comes out, you zap him.

Should I turn it up to 10?

That's my boy.

Cop,

give me the taser.

Give me that.

Give me that.

What? The grill.

Freeze.

Or what? Or I'll taser you.

When it recharges.

Takes about five minutes.

Oh, I'll be long gone by then. You see, Jim, I was able to do some thinking when

I was sitting in the county lockup. Yeah, but you were doing a little crying

too, huh?

Soon, James, the tears will be on the other cheek.

See, I remember when we were redoing your kitchen that I gave you this small

crucial length of pipe.

You were in jail thinking about pipe, were you? Only that I wanted it.

And now I'm going to take it.

Take my pipe!

wrong pipe there.

mine too. You know how I know?

A receipt.

You know what else is mine?

Vengeance.

Andy, Andy, you win.

Okay.

Let me ask her.

Hey, Cheryl.

TV show and ask a girl out.

First that can happen, she says no.

The thing I'm happiest about?

I never did one of those albums where I just talked.

This pizza?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

We got the letter.

Look at this.

My nephew's truck.

All right, move on, huh? There's nothing to see.

You know, I don't miss the knives.

Or toilet paper.

Mommy didn't hide the toilet paper on you.

My bad.

Battle stations.

I surrender.

Yeah, right.

No, no, no, no. I'm serious. You bested me. The girl is yours.

What's your game?

No game.

I just finally got what you were saying.

Just because a man gives something away doesn't mean he renounces ownership.

Thank you.

Be it a roof or...

His time?

Exactly.

Time? Yeah.

How many hours have I spent babysitting your kids for free?

I decided to crunch the numbers.

9 ,000 hours?

Yeah, I gave them a year of my time, and now I want a year of it back from them.

And since Gracie and Ruby aren't here, I'll take that one.

I don't know yet. Cooking, cleaning, may shoot stuff at his feet, make him

dance.

You are crazy. There is no way on earth that I'm going to give you my one and

only son. Okay, then just admit that your argument is full of crap and give

that grill.

Take the boy.

What? But if you decide to sell him after a year, he reverts to me.

I thought you were coming home tomorrow night.

Yeah, I called Kyle to see how things were going. He lied for about 30 seconds

and he cracked like an egg.

30 seconds? You are not my son.

I know. You just sold me to Uncle Andy.

What? You sold our son?

Come on, it's not as bad as it sounds.

Really, I mean, Andy tried to sell my grill.

And then he got me arrested.

And then he pulled a pipe out of my kitchen. He took my roof. And now he

Kyle.

Kyle? It's very simple.

Look at you two.

You are literally tearing this family apart over a worthless piece of junk.

How dare you?

Ouch!

Jim, you know, you said Kyle was lucky to see there's a special relationship

between two men.

I don't think he's feeling very lucky right now.

If you'll excuse me.

Kyle, come on.

Kyle!

Be careful with that.

You said we had a special relationship?

No, I didn't say that.

Cheryl put a block on the adult channels, made me goofy, and I said

didn't mean.

Oh, come on, Jim. The lesson I learned from Mel Gibson is that sometimes we say

things because deep down it's what we really feel.

You love me.

I do not.

Oh, yes, you do.

Say it, Jim.

Say the L word.

Lesbian.

Good enough. I lesbian you too.

All right, safety check.

Goggles? Check.

Earplugs? Check.

What are we forgetting?

Dad!

Crap.

We weren't going to leave you here.

There you go.

Oh, I'm going to miss you, old blue.

You know, we keep you all blue, but you make Annie and I want to kill each

other, and that means prison time.

We're too pretty for prison.

So we're going to blow you up.

All right.

Here we go.

Okay, so who gets to do it? Oh, I probably could do it. It's my grill.

you talking about? It's my grill. It's my grill.