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You think you're in my head now.
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Well, you're not.
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You are going down.
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Get in there, you stupid, stupid.
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old people.
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The turtle trounced the hummingbirds 25
to 7.
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Jim, how does it feel that your wife led
your daughters to a humiliating defeat?
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You're funny, Jim.
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Give me a hand. I'm stuck.
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Seriously, I'm stuck!
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Okay, terrific game by both teams.
12
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How does everybody feel?
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And we feel good because...
14
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And get a snack, some refreshing juice,
and your trophy.
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I think she had a little refreshing
juice herself.
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Okay. Now I want everyone over here to
form a praise circle.
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00:02:44,550 --> 00:02:45,970
A what circle?
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Praise circle. I want everyone to say
one positive thing about a teammate.
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This is going to be quick.
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That was a really good shot. Thank you.
In the opponent's basket.
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00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:04,360
Isn't it enough that the girls are
interested in basketball?
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You don't see basketball out there.
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I don't know. Maybe I'm old -fashioned,
but in my America, winners are winners
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and losers hold grudges, not hands.
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Who designed clothes?
26
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Yeah?
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00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,480
Mommy's going to have a glass of wine.
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00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,760
You know, girls, those are mighty big
dreams.
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You're going to have to work incredibly
hard to attain them.
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Working hard?
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Pass.
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00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,560
Come here, girls. Come here.
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Let me tell you a little story about a
girl about your age and her first tennis
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lesson. She announced right away that
she was going to be the best tennis
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in the whole world.
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And you know what?
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She worked incredibly hard until she
became number one.
38
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And that girl's name?
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Billie Jean King.
40
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She got so famous that Michael Jackson
even wrote a song about her.
41
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Did you guys smell something burning?
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Our cake!
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Oh, man, didn't you guys get a timer?
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I guess we forgot.
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He tried really hard.
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Cheryl, you've got to be kidding me.
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You're kidding me with this attitude,
right? This attitude has got to stop,
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Cheryl. What are you talking about?
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If I built a building and my mistake
caused it to burn down, would anybody
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-five me?
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Randy high -fiving you and the Ugolini's
deck mysteriously burned down after
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their check bounced.
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00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:02,080
I'm not the one on trial here, Cheryl.
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What they're learning at basketball is
killing my children and, more
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importantly, killing the sport.
56
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Is this about the cake?
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Partially.
58
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:16,420
But it's also about this feel -good self
-esteem crap going on, honey.
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00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:18,980
They can't have too much self -esteem.
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00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,040
Cheryl, self -esteem is all over the
place.
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Come on, they give it valet. They get it
at school 24 hours a day from noon to
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night. They are told how wonderful they
are.
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These kids have to be taken down a peg.
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You know what, Jim? That's a very good
point. Tonight, instead of a bedtime
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story, we'll read them a list of their
flaws.
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That's a start.
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I got it. You know what?
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I should coach.
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00:05:44,740 --> 00:05:48,500
No, no. No, I'm going to take over Ruby
and Gracie's basketball team. No, I can
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coach them. It's fine. The girls have
fun.
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Cheryl.
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Sports aren't about fun.
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They're about overcoming obstacles,
working as a team, and being able to say
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cool things like, how did that taste,
loser?
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00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:04,250
No, no, no, no. That's it.
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00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:05,730
I'm taking over the team.
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And you, you get started on another
cake.
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Dana, it's me.
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Took me a whole game, but I got Jim to
take over. Let's go.
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Steinbergs, listen up.
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We are no longer going to be playing
soft, squishy, everybody gets a hug
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basketball. From now on, we're going to
be playing old school, hard -nosed,
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00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:40,100
winning basketball.
84
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:43,140
You're going to work harder than you've
ever worked before.
85
00:06:45,060 --> 00:06:46,060
Yes, Jamie.
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I worked last summer on my grandpa's
farm.
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Okay, the five of you are going to work
really hard.
88
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:55,660
And Jamie, you're going to work as hard
as you did last summer.
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00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:00,580
Then I mostly make cookies with my
grandma.
90
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,700
We're going to need a little less
talking.
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00:07:08,460 --> 00:07:09,460
All right.
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00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,400
At your last game, you didn't make very
many baskets, did you?
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00:07:12,660 --> 00:07:14,580
Well, we got the same trophy as the
turtles.
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00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:16,900
Yeah. So what difference does it make?
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00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,860
I'll tell you the difference, Tabitha.
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00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:25,080
You didn't earn it. They just gave it to
you. With me, you're going to earn
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everything. Dad, I mean, Coach.
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00:07:29,340 --> 00:07:32,820
I thought we were here to have fun and
try our best.
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00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:41,380
Well, maybe you can try your best at
running
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00:07:41,380 --> 00:07:42,380
around the gym.
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Do a lap.
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Go. Come on. Come on. Come on.
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Trying is dying.
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Doing is everything.
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Because we all know nice girls finish...
Nice?
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No. Pretty?
107
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,860
No. Ponies like all my grandpa's sperm?
108
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:08,760
That doesn't even make any sense. I
can't do this.
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00:08:09,580 --> 00:08:10,700
Easy, coach, easy.
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Can we have a treat now?
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What's that?
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Can we have a treat now?
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You know what, Ugolini?
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You've been getting on my nerves since
Giddyup.
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laughing at? You, you're funny.
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I am not funny.
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I am stern and inspiring.
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Say yabba -dabba -doo.
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Yabba -dabba -doo.
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All right, everybody, let's go to the
free throw line.
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Come on. I want to see some hustle.
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Hustle!
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And Gracie, why are you not hustling?
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00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:18,860
Visualize the ball going in.
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00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:24,980
Gracie, bend at the knees.
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Follow through.
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Keep your wrists nice and loose.
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You have to make free throws to be a
winner.
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Shaq doesn't make free throws and he's a
winner.
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00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:49,460
You're very cute.
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Let's see how cute you are after five
laughs.
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Move it!
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Get her! Get her!
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Come on, Gracie.
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00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,260
Gracie, when you're on my team, you've
got to work hard.
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00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,480
Good job.
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00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:39,880
All right.
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00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:41,280
That's it for practice.
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Ball's in.
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00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:43,760
Let's go.
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00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:49,320
All right. All right. Come on. Come on.
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00:10:49,540 --> 00:10:50,620
Get in the center here.
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00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,000
Let's go. Come on. Come on.
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00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,180
Now form a circle here.
145
00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:56,920
Woody, I love free circle.
146
00:10:57,380 --> 00:10:58,380
Well, I hate it.
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This is going to be called the truth
circle.
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00:11:02,260 --> 00:11:06,020
Each one of you is going to tell one of
your teammates exactly what they did
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00:11:06,020 --> 00:11:07,020
wrong. Ruby, go.
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00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:10,320
Griefy, you can't make a free throw to
save your life.
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00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:13,660
Excellent. You stole my boyfriend.
152
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:16,500
Okay, let's keep this about basketball.
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00:11:16,940 --> 00:11:18,080
Not so fast.
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00:11:18,420 --> 00:11:19,420
Let's hear the dish.
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00:11:28,620 --> 00:11:29,620
is a hummingbird.
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00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,360
Yeah, decided to spring for new
uniforms.
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00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:36,380
Can we go now? I want to get there early
so we can practice free throws.
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00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:38,440
Oh.
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00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,980
She wants to practice free throws.
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00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:43,500
Do you believe it?
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00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,440
I still can't believe that you sprung
for new uniforms.
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Gracie, come on, let's go.
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Wow, you look great. You look so tough.
Come on, let's see those arms. Let me
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see those arms. That's it.
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00:11:57,710 --> 00:11:58,810
What are you wearing?
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My uniform.
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00:12:00,210 --> 00:12:01,210
I'd say your uniform.
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00:12:01,690 --> 00:12:04,350
Yeah. I'm playing for the Lamb Chops
now.
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00:12:10,150 --> 00:12:12,250
Uh, honey, why?
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Because they just play for fun.
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00:12:15,450 --> 00:12:16,450
Oh.
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00:12:17,910 --> 00:12:20,150
Ruby, sweetie, why don't you go wait in
the car?
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00:12:21,250 --> 00:12:25,390
Um, Gracie, maybe you want to talk to
your dad about switching teams.
174
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,240
You know what, Cheryl? That'd be okay.
175
00:12:28,140 --> 00:12:29,400
If I talk to the enemy.
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00:12:30,980 --> 00:12:32,940
But Phil Jackson might get me.
177
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:34,220
We don't do that.
178
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,980
Why don't you tell Gracie she should
head to the rec center because it's a
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walk.
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00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:42,800
Is there a problem?
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00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:45,500
Problem? No, it's not a problem.
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00:12:45,940 --> 00:12:47,620
You want to play on my team? You don't
have to.
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00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:49,680
Go find yourself another team.
184
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:51,980
Yeah, I already did.
185
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:06,120
Oh, Cheryl, my daughter carries a
basketball around with her and wants to
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00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,120
practice all the time.
187
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,220
Your daughter just quit my team.
188
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:11,840
No, Cheryl, she quit.
189
00:13:12,060 --> 00:13:16,080
You know Gracie acts tough, but she's
really sensitive.
190
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,020
Maybe she just needs some attention.
191
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,900
Attention? Come on, I yelled at her
twice as much as the rest of the team.
192
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:27,460
Maybe she needs a different kind of
attention.
193
00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:30,480
Thank you. You're welcome.
194
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:33,680
And you can give her that attention
while you both walk to the rec center.
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00:13:45,780 --> 00:13:51,240
We are live from Buchinnick Municipal
Rec Center for this titanic clash
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00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,600
the Lambchops and the Hummingbirds.
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00:13:53,980 --> 00:13:57,860
It's a frenzy crowd of about 15.
198
00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:03,450
This pregame show is brought to you by
Caramel Corn. If you can find a better
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00:14:03,450 --> 00:14:05,810
tasting candy -coated vegetable, eat it.
200
00:14:08,750 --> 00:14:13,130
Now Gracie is playing for the Lamb
Chops. So I need to find a way to root
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00:14:13,130 --> 00:14:15,850
both teams at once. There aren't 15
people here.
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00:14:16,710 --> 00:14:18,630
Did he count me twice because I'm fat?
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00:14:19,870 --> 00:14:23,030
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the
Lamb Chops.
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00:14:25,230 --> 00:14:27,490
And the Hummingbirds.
205
00:14:42,190 --> 00:14:43,870
Now, there's two kinds of people out in
the world.
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00:14:44,570 --> 00:14:46,010
Winners and losers.
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00:14:46,810 --> 00:14:47,810
And what are we?
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00:14:48,170 --> 00:14:49,770
Honey nerds!
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00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:53,610
I was looking for winners, but that'll
do.
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00:14:55,030 --> 00:14:58,910
Now, I want you to get out there, and I
want you to kick some butt!
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00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:01,010
Go!
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00:15:01,910 --> 00:15:06,210
Butt, butt, kick some butt! Butt, butt,
kick some butt! Here we go, here we go!
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00:15:06,330 --> 00:15:08,810
The teams head out for the opening tip
-off.
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00:15:09,870 --> 00:15:11,050
Have a good game, Gracie.
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00:15:13,130 --> 00:15:14,130
Ho, ho, ho!
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00:15:14,550 --> 00:15:19,650
For those of you who don't speak
subtext, Coach Jim just called Gracie
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00:15:19,650 --> 00:15:21,930
response? It's go time, old man.
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00:17:27,369 --> 00:17:29,790
This recap brought to you by potato
chips.
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00:17:30,210 --> 00:17:32,610
Even the little dust at the bottom of
the bag tastes good.
220
00:17:33,070 --> 00:17:34,070
Hey, Coach?
221
00:17:34,570 --> 00:17:37,530
Yeah? I just wanted to point out that
the team that works hard and has
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00:17:37,530 --> 00:17:41,490
discipline has 18 points, and the team
that has fun has 18 points.
223
00:17:43,510 --> 00:17:45,270
The game's not over, Blondie.
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00:17:47,270 --> 00:17:48,270
And you know what?
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00:17:48,730 --> 00:17:50,170
Discipline always pays off.
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00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:15,950
game on the line and you watching of
course not she just with me watching
227
00:18:15,950 --> 00:18:22,250
sounds like gracie's worst nightmare is
disappointing her father
228
00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:29,230
gracie all alone with two shots and a
chance
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00:18:29,230 --> 00:18:30,230
to win it for the lounge
230
00:19:15,790 --> 00:19:20,990
Listen, Gracie, I want to talk to you as
your daddy, not as a basketball coach.
231
00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:26,570
It doesn't matter to me if you make this
shot or miss it.
232
00:19:28,170 --> 00:19:33,550
Okay, I just want you to know that
you're a great kid, this is just a
233
00:19:33,550 --> 00:19:36,410
game, and that I love you very much.
234
00:19:38,730 --> 00:19:43,990
So, just have fun and try hard.
235
00:19:57,770 --> 00:19:59,710
Great to get set for her second shot.
236
00:20:01,050 --> 00:20:03,370
She could probably use some silence
right now.
237
00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:30,260
Go on and enjoy your win.
238
00:20:32,620 --> 00:20:33,620
All right.
239
00:20:34,140 --> 00:20:37,240
You know what? This is a lesson to all
of us. You know what that lesson is?
240
00:20:37,940 --> 00:20:39,300
I did too easy on you.
241
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:43,660
Come on, laugh. Five laughs. Let's go.
Shake that thing. Shake it, shake it,
242
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:44,680
shake it.
243
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,100
And ref, you take a laugh too. You suck
today.
244
00:20:52,180 --> 00:20:53,460
Sorry you didn't win, coach.
245
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:55,960
Don't worry.
246
00:20:58,670 --> 00:20:59,670
I don't want it.
247
00:21:01,710 --> 00:21:02,890
Come on, you run a lap, too.
248
00:21:05,270 --> 00:21:08,810
Hey, nice job on the play -by -play. Oh,
thanks.
249
00:21:09,150 --> 00:21:10,690
You didn't mind all the food references?
250
00:21:11,110 --> 00:21:14,250
Because, see, that was my way of saying
how gigantic you've gotten.
251
00:21:15,890 --> 00:21:17,330
No, I thought it was funny.
252
00:21:17,550 --> 00:21:18,550
Yeah.
253
00:21:19,510 --> 00:21:24,030
Join us for our post -game show brought
to you by my fat -ass sister.
19399
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