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Previously on According to Jim. We came
here for an impartial opinion.
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Cheryl, tell Ryan he's an ass.
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Oh, Ryan, what did you do?
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I agreed to deliver a baby, just like I
do every day. In Africa, with me days
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away from having his child.
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Quick, turn on the news. Nina Harper
just had her baby. Oh, my God. I'm happy
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report that everything went according to
plan, and mother and child are doing
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very well.
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We interrupt this program for breaking
news.
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Civil war has erupted in Djibouti.
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Apparently, actress Anina Harper and her
baby were able to escape in a private
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plane, but not her obstetrician, Dr.
Ryan Gibson.
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I am eight and a half months pregnant,
and my husband is trapped in a war zone!
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Dana, while Ryan is away, I want you to
move in here with us.
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Yes? I'm kind of in the mood for a
grilled cheese sandwich.
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How long is this nonsense going to last?
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Cheryl. What?
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Those cats are fighting in the alley
again.
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Not cats. It's Dana's baby.
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Right. Tucker.
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Tanner.
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He's colicky.
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Right.
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What's colicky?
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Nobody knows.
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But it means he's awake and screaming.
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Right.
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I'm about to get colicky.
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Cheryl,
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I can't get the baby to sleep.
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Why are you whispering? Get the baby to
whisper.
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All right, come on.
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Let's give this baby some food.
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Why don't you put him in a swing?
That'll calm him down.
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We don't have a swing.
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I mean at the park.
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Okay. Are you getting me a pony for my
birthday?
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Because, you know, I ride it to school,
and then you wouldn't have to take me.
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Why are we talking about a pony?
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Dana said you wanted to.
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Dana.
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All right, come on.
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You go to sleep, and I'll buy you
whatever you want.
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I'm naming him Salmon.
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Go to sleep.
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I heard you guys talking. Are you
talking about me?
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Why would we be talking about you, Ruby?
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I know. Can you believe her? She's
always like this.
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Well, we'll finish talking later.
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Ruby, we were not talking about you.
Come on.
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Get up here and go to sleep.
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Right now.
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Buds!
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Come on, guys. I'm going to miss my
buds.
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Oh, baby.
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Jim, he's exhausted. Yeah.
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Go get your camera. I'll find something
to stick in his mouth.
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Cats in the alley! Cats in the alley!
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Honey, it's eight. You've got to get
ready for work.
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Right. Work.
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Yeah. Where I operate heavy machinery.
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Oh, my God, Tina!
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I didn't realize the snack bar was open
so early.
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She's breastfeeding. It's perfectly
natural.
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God made boobs to make women's
volleyball more interesting. Not for
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Don't listen to him, Tanner.
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Mommy's breasts are not sex objects.
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Unless she wants a promotion when she
goes back to work.
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Cheryl, this is not working for me.
Having this baby in the house is just
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working for me. I can't get any sleep.
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This place smells like diapers. We
haven't had sex forever.
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Ew.
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We had sex two nights ago.
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Two nights ago.
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Forever.
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Jim,
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what's the big deal?
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I'll tell you what the big deal is.
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The big deal is I'm so tired, I don't
even know what I'm yelling about.
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Honey, maybe you should spend the night
in a hotel.
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Yeah, I'm going to spend $29 .95 to
sleep in a hotel.
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$29 .95?
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Where are you staying?
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They're out there, Cheryl.
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If you're not allergic to coupons,
they're out there.
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Honey, I don't know what to say.
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Babies cry.
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There is no easy answer.
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Oh, Gerald.
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Morning,
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all. Huh?
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Whoa, sister boob. Gross.
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Come on, Jim. I'm full of pep today.
Let's jog. I am not jogging to work. No,
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no, no. To the car. Works like two miles
away.
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Happy, not suicidal.
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Jim, why don't you stay at Andy's
tonight?
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If Jim stays at Andy's, we can put
Tanner's cradle in my room.
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It'll be easier when he wakes up in the
night. And I can get a good night's
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rest. Okay, but you gotta leave if I get
a booty call from one of my ladies.
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I'll take my chances.
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Switch sides.
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got the whole night ahead of us.
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There is no limit to the amount of fun
we can have.
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You know what I like, Andy?
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TV.
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As do I, my friend. But tonight is
special.
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Let us pay a visit to the cabinet of
amusement.
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What suits your fancy, Jim? Oh. Huh?
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Board game?
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Nay, nay, too tame.
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Too tame for a man of your stature.
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A video game, perhaps.
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We have first -person shooter, real
-time strategy, fantasy, both elf and
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Or we can kick it old school with my
homeboy Frogger.
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Um, I think, uh, I think I like TV.
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Are you sure?
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Give me a C -sharp.
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Nerf. Bazooka tag.
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Only one rule. No mercy.
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But timeouts for bathroom breaks.
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Well, just TV and silence.
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All right.
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All right?
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Really?
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I just ask for what I want and I get it?
There's no discussion?
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Jim, we're not married.
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I'm not Cheryl.
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Would you care to drive?
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Yes.
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Wow, this is great.
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You know, I think the gays are onto
something here.
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They are definitely living the dream.
Yeah.
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You know, apart from the whole kissing
guy. Yeah, I kiss you.
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Well, this is very civilized living,
Andy.
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You know, Cheryl's probably sitting over
there thinking we're acting like apes,
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when in fact... Oops, nice.
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Ah,
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my summer home.
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I see the caretaker is keeping it up.
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No, I know. Hey, you can stay another
night at my place.
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Unless one of my ladies... My ladies are
coming over!
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00:09:03,930 --> 00:09:05,230
Ah, who am I kidding?
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00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:08,350
It's not going to happen. Cheryl's not
going to let me stay at your place
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I know her.
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She won't be able to take it. She's
going to miss her man.
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Hey!
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I'll get us some coffee.
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Hey, you know, Dana's feeding the baby
in there.
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Jeepers. Looks like a hairless camel.
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So, did you get a good night's rest at
Andy's? Oh, great.
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Yeah, that good, huh?
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No, not that. I mean, it was really just
okay. It was, uh, adequate.
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Uh -huh.
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How were things here?
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Fun. Fun? Yeah. Good. Yeah, we gave
Tanner a bath.
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Fun. Yeah, I know.
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I am so glad to be home. Oh, yeah.
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Unless... Do you think you need another
night?
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At Andy's?
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I don't know. I mean, do you think it's
best?
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Well, I think whatever's best.
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You know, for you and little baby
Trexler.
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Tanner. Tanner.
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Yeah, I mean, she is the important one
right now.
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But she's a boy. Right.
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Well, I guess it's settled then, huh?
Yeah.
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It'll be tough to be apart.
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Oh, baby, I know, I know. But it's
what's right for the family. Yeah, it
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Yeah, we'll muddle through.
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Our love is strong.
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Oh.
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something happens and it's usually quite
loud.
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Our mum, she's so house proud.
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Nothing ever slows her down and unless
she's not so loud.
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Our house, in the middle of our street.
Our house, in the
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middle of our street. Our house, in the
middle of our street.
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Our house, in the middle of our street.
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Our house, in the middle of our...
Father gets up late for work.
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Hey! Hey!
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How are the kids? Great!
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Want some sex? You bet!
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Oh,
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thank you. Oh, here.
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Give this to Dana. She wanted to borrow
Andy's nipple cream. Oh, right.
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So, what are you going to be doing?
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Oh, we're going to give Tanner a bath.
We think tonight might be the night his
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umbilical cord falls off.
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Fun! I know!
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Do you want us to save it for you?
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Just take a picture.
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00:12:49,900 --> 00:12:52,120
You don't miss me now, do you?
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00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:56,760
I don't miss you. You're right across
the street. All right, as long as you
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don't miss me.
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Good night. Good night.
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00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,940
All right, Andy, come on, let's play.
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00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,500
Andy!
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00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,280
I can't get the cabinet of amusement
open.
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00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,120
I can't help you, Jim.
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00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:23,780
I'm afraid I have plans this evening.
200
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,460
Why are you dressed like a pilgrim?
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00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:29,660
Have you been in a cave? I'm Harry
Potter.
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00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,940
And the latest installment hits
bookstores tonight.
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00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,060
Would you care to join us?
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00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:39,560
Man, I'm afraid I can't. You see, I've
had sex with a woman.
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00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,620
Muggle. What?
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00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:44,180
What did you call me? Yeah.
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00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:46,140
If you don't know, you are one.
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00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:49,840
Encabination Levitosa.
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00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,260
All right, I'll get you later. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, Andy.
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00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:55,680
Come on, come on.
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00:13:56,040 --> 00:14:01,080
Well, we can play Frogger. Do your nerd
thing tomorrow. I did not spend... three
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00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:05,620
weeks hand -sewing this costume to be
called a nerd. Good day, sir. Andy! I
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00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:06,620
good day.
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00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,540
All right.
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00:14:16,180 --> 00:14:17,640
Let's see what I'm in the mood for.
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God, my first -person shooters are mixed
with my multiplayer online games.
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00:15:01,980 --> 00:15:05,920
What the hell is wrong with you? No,
what the hell is wrong with you?
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00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:07,420
I don't know.
219
00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:11,480
You left me alone here all night with my
thoughts.
220
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:17,220
You just want to have it Cheryl comes
down and kicks them out for me. Okay,
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00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,920
okay, okay. What are you thinking about?
222
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,160
I don't know.
223
00:15:39,340 --> 00:15:40,340
Cheryl miss me?
224
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:45,340
Oh. Come on! This whole thing is about
Cheryl?
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00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:52,520
Yeah! Oh, great, Jim. But instead of
walking across the street and having a
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00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:57,120
conversation with her, you have
destroyed the precious results of a
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00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:58,120
meticulous collecting!
228
00:16:00,180 --> 00:16:01,180
You know what?
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00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,120
I bet the gays are much more supportive
of each other.
230
00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:14,820
I didn't even see that coming in. Did
you see that? What?
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00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,980
There's a banner outside your house that
says I miss Jim.
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00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:20,440
Really? No.
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00:17:25,260 --> 00:17:30,120
baby you know what i'm sick and tired of
hearing about that stupid baby put a
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00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:36,680
boob in his mouth and he'll be fine oh
honey can't the same be said of you
235
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:42,800
distract me cheryl our marriage is in
trouble and i'm not like you i won't
236
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:48,480
up without a fight what i know you got
the taste of the sweet life without me
237
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:52,840
but i am your husband and you're gonna
live with me whether you like it or not
238
00:17:54,860 --> 00:17:56,880
Honey, our marriage is fine.
239
00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:00,300
Believe me, if there were a problem, I'd
see it way before you.
240
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,440
How would you even know that?
241
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,080
We don't even share anything anymore
together.
242
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:06,720
You don't even miss me.
243
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:08,560
I miss you.
244
00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:13,320
No, you don't. That's not what you said.
You said, go over to Andy's. I don't
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00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:14,920
care. You're worthless to me.
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00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:18,700
I'm paraphrasing.
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00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:25,560
Well... I do miss you. When I said I
didn't, I was practicing relationship
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00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:26,560
management.
249
00:18:28,460 --> 00:18:30,280
Relationship management? You mean you
lied?
250
00:18:32,660 --> 00:18:33,820
Relationship management.
251
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,800
Jim, I didn't want you to come home
because I missed you. I wanted you to
252
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,220
home because you wanted to.
253
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:44,660
Cheryl, I tore apart Andy's house.
254
00:18:45,660 --> 00:18:47,260
I broke all of his toys.
255
00:18:49,740 --> 00:18:51,180
Alone with your thoughts, huh?
256
00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:56,260
For hours, they just kept rolling and
rolling and rolling.
257
00:18:56,740 --> 00:18:59,820
Baby, you're home now. You don't have to
think anymore.
258
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,740
Did you really miss me?
259
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,840
I really missed you.
260
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,540
What did you miss most about me?
261
00:19:19,820 --> 00:19:20,820
Yes, awesome.
262
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:25,220
Yeah, I had to wear socks at night
because I couldn't tuck my cold feet up
263
00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:26,280
against your sexy butt.
264
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:28,420
Sexy butt, yeah.
265
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:29,840
Awesome.
266
00:19:32,220 --> 00:19:33,220
Let's go to bed.
267
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:34,860
Yeah, about that.
268
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:37,860
Honey, Dana's in her bed.
269
00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:40,300
That's not awesome.
270
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:41,560
No.
271
00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:43,620
I'm going to have to sleep on the couch.
272
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:47,320
I'm tired.
273
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:48,750
Oh. No, sweetie.
274
00:19:49,010 --> 00:19:51,050
I'll sleep like a baby. Okay, good.
275
00:19:52,570 --> 00:19:59,010
I'll sleep like a baby as long as you're
in the house, I'm in the house,
276
00:19:59,130 --> 00:20:04,010
you know I'm in the house, and you like
it.
277
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:05,290
I do.
278
00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:06,470
Lay down.
279
00:20:07,130 --> 00:20:08,130
You know what?
280
00:20:08,670 --> 00:20:12,890
I'm going to tell Dana tomorrow that
it's time for her to go home.
281
00:20:13,510 --> 00:20:14,510
Oh, Cheryl.
282
00:20:15,390 --> 00:20:17,490
Are you going to kick your sister out of
the house?
283
00:20:18,030 --> 00:20:18,749
From me?
284
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:19,750
I am.
285
00:20:19,830 --> 00:20:20,830
That's awesome.
286
00:20:24,550 --> 00:20:26,650
Did Ryan get a flight home from Africa?
287
00:20:27,110 --> 00:20:28,110
He did.
288
00:20:29,890 --> 00:20:31,950
So she was going to go tomorrow anyway,
right?
289
00:20:32,150 --> 00:20:33,150
Yeah, she was.
290
00:20:35,430 --> 00:20:36,450
So you lied again.
291
00:20:37,850 --> 00:20:38,850
Relationship management.
292
00:20:43,350 --> 00:20:44,350
Awesome.
293
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:55,670
Good night, Tinker.
294
00:20:58,950 --> 00:21:00,210
Tucker! Tucker!
295
00:21:01,270 --> 00:21:02,950
Tucker! Traxler!
21995
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